Infertility Woes

[wonkywomb]

Why us?…

I know I shouldn’t judge people and I know that everyone deserves the right to have a healthy and happy child but this pregnancy has been nothing but exhausting and I question why us? We tried for so long and every appointment seems to take us down the rabbit hole of problems.

We made it to 36 weeks and we had our scares but was told our little girl was happy and healthy until yesterday…we went for a scan and they told us she had stopped growing our little miracle is now in the danger zone. I hope and I pray that she gains weight or she will need to be induced and then every minute counts.

I spent 4 hours yet again on my own because of covid worrying waiting to see a doctor for them to tell us to come back in a week. All whilst seeing woman after woman going in and out not a care in the world clearly carrying healthy babies.

Including the women who were arguing because they had to wear masks because “they don’t think covid is real” the woman who was insistent she had to go out for a smoke amongst other things and I know I shouldn’t judge these women because everyone goes through their own personal struggles but it makes me so angry at the world that they get to carry the healthiest of babies all whilst I have finally had the chance at one baby and at every turn we have been challenged with health concerns and pain even though I’m doing everything in my power to be the healthiest person for my little miracle.

Please send prayers our way as we are incredibly worried at this time and please don’t judge me on the fact that my jealousy causes me to judge others unfairly.

[wonkywomb]

This is what covid has done.

You might see a hospital room but the matter of fact is that it’s me sobbing alone in a hospital room after a 28 week ultrasound told me there looks to be some abnormalities with my baby’s brain.

They couldn’t explain whether or not it was a problem until the doctor assessed it…I’d been waiting two hours for the doctor, my partner couldn’t come in and comfort me in fear that he may either spread covid all over the clinic even though we both did lateral flow tests the night before.

We deserve better than this, I have had bad moments in life but nothing truely as lonely and soul breaking as being sat in a room on my own whilst my little miracle kicked away in my stomach, me not knowing if everything was going to be ok or not.

I had another scan by the foetal specialist who can’t say for sure as to whether there is any problems or not; yet again on my own feeling as if my whole world was falling in on me.

I understand the importance of infection control and not wanting to increase the spread of covid; however no woman should ever feel how I felt today; I have always had great faith in my NHS health service and how it’s looked after me.

Today that faith was dashed as I sat In the room on my own with no support truly crumbling to pieces.

[wonkywomb]

Don’t feel excited, don’t get your hopes up.

I thought the hardest thing I would ever experience would be trying to get pregnant and failing, it always felt like an earth shattering heartbreak that nobody around me would ever experience. I will never minimise that pain because for anyone experiencing it it is soul crushing.

Something we need to discuss though is what fills that hole when we finally get pregnant, it’s not just a case of good news and all that heartbreak is forgotten.

Pregnancy is actually quite traumatic to those who have suffered infertility because suddenly you have been given this gift you always wanted but with the knowledge it could be cruelly ripped from under you at any moment.

I see women with wonderful bumps who look as if they have not a care in the world and they glow beautifully. My reality is a pit of constant worry, if my baby girl is ripped from under me what do I do then?

I don’t have it in me to experience that heartbreak, I don’t have it in me again to try if the universe doesn’t want me and my sweet bundle to align. If everything I have wanted for years is horribly stolen from me who do I become?

I would truly lose my motherly identity and not sure I would have the strength to survive.

[wonkywomb]

When we thought it was all falling apart; we received joy.

I genuinely thought it was all over, 5 days ago I started with crippling right sided pain. I have such a high pain threshold and I was in agony.

I didn’t want to bother anyone during the day and figured it was just the start of losing this gift we have been given and it felt like if I said anything it would just become a reality.

My partner came in from work and immediately called an ambulance because he could see I was suffering. They took me to hospital on blue lights and I knew what they was all thinking…

An ectopic pregnancy.

I hadn’t eaten at all and I was severely dehydrated but in case they needed to do surgery I wasn’t to eat or drink.

They needed bloods which they struggled to get because I was dehydrated so now I’m covered in bruises. 12 times they poked me before they could get anything.

It all came down to that scan…

I was terrified because I was all alone (because of covid my partner wasn’t allowed in)

But the minute they scanned my little bean was exactly in the right place with a little flickering heartbeat and looking exactly as it should.

All that pain caused by a little cyst that had burst.

I’ve never been so relieved in all my life, me and my partner are elated. We have booked an 8 week scan and we have made plans to tell our parents at 8 weeks.

As for everyone else we will be waiting till 12 weeks which is so hard because we are just sat on this big secret. But god forbid anything goes wrong I don’t want everyone knowing and asking.

[wonkywomb]

Scared and helpless

I never thought after finding out we was pregnant I would feel like this. I imagined it to be such a happy time for me and my partner. Instead it’s clouded by anxiety and worry.

What nobody warns you about early pregnancy is the loneliness you face. You pee on a stick and get this wonderful line and suddenly you aren’t worried about whether you can get pregnant you are worried about whether you can hold on to this gift in your womb.

You tell the doctor the news and hope that there will be numerous professionals rallying around you with wise advise and telling you you’re not crazy to feel this way; instead...

You have to wait until you’re 8 weeks before anyone will see you and give you the advise, you run around blindly with this secret that you hope no one will guess all whilst worrying 24/7.

Have I eaten the right things?

Is this prenatal vitamin right?

If something goes wrong will it be my fault?

Why haven’t I got this symptom or that symptom?

Should I feel pregnant?

We are 6 weeks and have agreed to pay for a private scan at 8 weeks because we both feel so alone and helpless.

And yes we have the moments where we are excited to plan how we will tell our family, what names we like and how the nursery will look; but most of the time we sit there quietly with the same worry on our mind.

Will it go wrong?

Will I begin bleeding?

If it all goes wrong do we even have the strength to try going through all this grief again?

[wonkywomb]

We are pregnant!

We are officially confirmed pregnant!

4 weeks 3 days and the size of a poppy seed.

I told my partner last night and he cried he was so happy.

We are trying desperately not to get our hopes up as it’s still so early on but we have never gotten as far as even a positive test.

It’s all I can think about, I’ve soon got to go to work for an 8hr shift and I’ve no idea how I’m going to concentrate on anything other than the thoughts of babies.

Ive been praying this morning for god to bring us good health and luck.

[wonkywomb]

We have a faint positive.

I can barely breathe, we got a faint line last night and I still feel like it’s too good to be true.

I’ve been using cheap HSG sticks from Amazon and keep thinking they must be lying to me so I’ve ordered some clear blue tests.

My partner had sperm tests right around the time of my ovulation this month so we only managed to do the dance once...it just can’t be true.

I showed him the positive poas last night and we both said let’s not get too excited till we confirm it with another test, however he then starting asking when babies due date would be if we are pregnant.

I really hope we are this time and this isn’t another cruel joke by my body.

[wonkywomb]

Fertility Envy

Nobody tells you that it’s ok to be jealous of parents...to be jealous to see Mums, dads and everything inbetween.

I finally had some time off work to destress and we had some lovely sunny weather. Me and my partner decided a walk through the nearest park to get some fresh air would be great for the both of us.

Both of us got there and neither of us said it but it was emotionally draining. The park was filled with children’s laughter, doting parents and babies crawling, taking first steps and making memories. It breaks our heart that we are still no closer to having our own baby.

Nobody tells you it’s ok to feel this way, to feel bitter and angry at the world. But you have to feel this way to process your emotions.

So to all the potential parents out there; don’t put yourself down for feeling jealous or angry. It’s only natural to feel this way when it feels like it’ll never happen.

[wonkywomb]

I had a meltdown

We still haven’t gotten pregnant and today it all got too much. I haven’t felt myself for a while and Mother’s Day came and served as a reminder that I’m still not a mother.

I cried, I broke down, I felt my walls crashing down. My period is due in 4 days and I just know it’s not our month...again.

When will it be our month?

[wonkywomb]

Healthcare provisions

We are now just past cycle 15 and no closer to a baby, I’ve always praised my healthcare system. We aren’t charged extortionate amounts like some countries and my taxes offer me free healthcare. We have some of the most amazing nurses, doctors and other healthcare specialists who aren’t often mentioned working day and night getting us through this pandemic.

What really frustrates me is the lottery they play from person to person, going into cycle 16 and we still won’t be offered IVF because it hasn’t been two years even with my endometriosis.

We have only just managed to get an appointment for sperm analysis and that is booked for April but after doing private home tests I feel we already know the answer to what’s coming.

Even when we do get to the point of needing ivf we will only be offered so many cycles on the NHS where as if we lived in a slightly different postcode we may be offered more.

2 years is a long time to wait, especially because as each cycle goes by it takes a bigger and bigger toll on both of us mentally, for myself each cycle that goes by takes a physical toll on my body as the endometriosis keeps returning.

We have even got to the point now where we play the lottery each week and daydream of us winning it and booking appointments to go private to receive IVF and it builds our hopes and gets us excited that one day the teeny tiny patter of feet may make it into our home.

[wonkywomb]

I really thought this cycle was going to be the one.

I really thought this month was our month, I had symptoms I don’t normally have like sensitive nipples and zero pain from the endometriosis. I didn’t take any pregnancy tests or even keep them in the house as not to jinx it.

But my period came today and there goes another cycle where we haven’t done it. I thought by now I would have either almost gotten used to the disappointment or would of been pregnant so nothing prepares me each month for when that blood hits.

I’m losing hope now for us conceiving naturally.

[wonkywomb]

Cycle 14 ...

We are on cycle 14 of trying for a baby.

My period came again today. We have had a pretty mopey day. I find the first day of my period truely exhausting but mixed in with that tinge of sadness at no baby again I feel as if I’ve been trodden on by a crowd of a thousand people. My body is truely weak today and I can’t find any energy to even get up.

My partner looks downtrodden again too. We always assumed it was my body that was the reason we was failing to get pregnant and I think now he realises that his sperm is also playing a part he is feeling very emasculated and feels that that dream of becoming a dad is slipping away.

We don’t normally let ourselves get stressed with trying to conceive as we know that also has a big factor in not conceiving but sometimes we need days like today where we don’t get off the sofa and we eat a lot of crap and feel sorry for ourselves just to greive all the missed opportunities.

We discuss what’ll happen when I do get pregnant and the joy of telling family and all the things we will experience. I think neither one of us wants to tell the other that in the back of our mind that there is a small ball of doubt that we will get those happy moments.

[wonkywomb]

Male infertility is rarely discussed.

My partner was distraught today...we always assumed it was my endometriosis that meant we couldn’t conceive. Whilst I was at work he received a phone call from the doctors to say his sperm count is very low and it’s no wonder we struggled.

He told me how he felt less of a man and he was so scared to tell me because of how disappointed I’d be.

We need to normalise talking about male infertility. We as women take solace from posting in forums and having fellow warriors whilst TTC. We need to make it the same for men.

My man got the biggest cuddle and reassured a million times that no matter what happens we will get there...whether it be IVF, adoption or even fostering.

We are getting to the point of losing hope in having a biological child and I’m trying to open both of our hearts to the idea of opening our home up to a child whether it be from us or not.

[wonkywomb]

Soul crushing.

Over the festive period I got upset.

I have family members who have a couple of children who are still quite young and unfortunately don’t get the attention they so desperately need and are behind on their educational development.

One of them is a little girl who is 6 years old, I spent a lot of time with her as a baby making sure she developed the skills she needed and even potty trained her. I always make sure I spend extra time where I can with her because she has such potential with the right attention and education.

We had spent 2 hours making maths fun by playing a game and just as we finished up she came and cuddled me and said “I love you so much” then she uttered the words that truely broke me.

“I wish you was my mummy, I know you love me so much”

I cuddled her and told her I’d always love her, then she starting asking questions as a child does.

“Are you ready to be a mummy? I think you would make a little baby really happy”

“I would love you to have a baby and then once you’re a mummy you could be my mummy”

It makes me so sad that a little girl of that age could possibly comprehend that there is someone who is putting in more effort than her parents.

Physically she isn’t neglected, she is always clean, well dressed and goes to school but she just needs someone to pay her some attention and it’s sad because given half the chance I would scoop that child up and take her home with me and give her the best life possible.

But also a soul crushing reminder that we still don’t have our little one and that even a 6yo can see what great parents we would make.

[wonkywomb]

Think Before You Speak.

Christmas is over and likely you will have spent it with family, friends or both. This is one of the worst times for women with fertility issues because they will expect the usual questions

“no babies yet?”

“Are you even trying for Children?”

“Maybe you should try X,Y and Z, it worked for us”

Keep your questions to yourself, just because your family/friends haven’t actively told you they are or aren’t trying for babies doesn’t mean anything.

They may be protecting you by not telling you they are trying, they may be going through a lot of heartache and they may just not want everyone recommending things when they tirelessly read advice on what may help them get pregnant and it doesn’t work.

So spare a thought over the holiday season for those going through the silent struggle and don’t want to be reminded at their inability to produce a little bundle of joy for one day a year.

[wonkywomb]

To put the dream on hold.

Big decisions are being made right now and it’s killing me.

I’m so proud to live in the UK where maternity laws protect those having babies and make sure those women are looked after. However I’m so ashamed of what the government constitutes as support for those who get pregnant.

Recently I was made redundant from my dream job, the pandemic has taken its toll and it wasn’t viable to keep me on...this is the job that would of paid me my maternity leave and made sure we were financially stable whilst we had babies.

The redundancy itself didn’t affect me, I’m a skilled worker and before my last day came at work another company had already scouted me and hired me with better pay. But it means that I have to build up at least a year with the company before they will pay company maternity pay.

Me and my partner now face the decision of whether we hold off on what we have wanted for so long for a year or whether we keep trying and accept the pittance that the government believes is statutory for women giving birth.

[wonkywomb]

Fertility envy

Fertility envy is very real...

Women feel ashamed when they see women they perceive to be a bad parent with babies

When they see stories in the news of children being mistreated

But they also feel envious when their best friend or sister announces they’re pregnant after a month of trying or a one night stand.

When they deal with other people’s children and just wish they had that luxury.

What we never tell these women is that actually it is ok to feel like this, we can’t judge these women who are going through a personal plight and more pain than can be imagined.

We should never ask these women “when are you going to start trying” or “isn’t your body clock ticking” you never know what goes on behind closed doors. So if you announce you’re pregnant and your friend/sister or any other relation doesn’t get as excited as you expected don’t judge them; they may be going through more than you’d imagine.