Words About Getting Better

Healing and Growing (even if its hard to see)

[wordsaboutgettingbetter-blog]

i saw the sun

today I saw the sun rise it looked a little different than it did yesterday and it’ll look a little different tomorrow but I saw her today and I felt like she saw me too she looked down at me and poured love and brightness into my chest into my soul and my soul smiled for the first time today in many sunrises

today I saw the sun set it looked a little different than it did yesterday and it’ll look a little different tomorrow but when she left she sent me a kiss that kiss reached me and filled my chest with warmth i felt my soul turn the color yellow the color that has always looked the most welcoming to me and I sent the sun off with all the love I could send her until I see her again tomorrow

[wordsaboutgettingbetter-blog]

thinking about dying

I’m constantly bracing for impact. 

I’m waiting for the day I die, 

expecting death around every corner. 

I think about telephone wires snapping,

falling to the ground right where I’m standing,

and electrocuting me to death.

I think about cars crashing into the bus on my way to work

precisely at the spot I’m sitting. 

I feel the tension in my bones and shut my eyes,

I wait for the impact that never comes.

[wordsaboutgettingbetter-blog]

cold

when you enter the room

my body turns cold

why?

your presence used to make the room 

so warm

so welcoming

so full of hope

you put out the fire between us

[wordsaboutgettingbetter-blog]

invisible

to most i am invisible

i exist without anybody noticing me

some days this makes me sad

other days i am grateful 

grateful that i don’t have to put on an act

i can be me most days

because i know nobody will stop and ask if i’m doing okay

when i feel broken inside

[wordsaboutgettingbetter-blog]

sometimes

sometimes i think i’m doing better

sometimes i wonder why my therapist has me coming in once a week

(i cant be that bad, right?)

and then sometimes i realize

that it takes all of me

every ounce of my soul

not to walk in front of a car

or let go of the steering wheel

and i realize how bad things really are

[wordsaboutgettingbetter-blog]

yourself

you were always too caught up in yourself to see

what your actions did to me

the pain you caused

the trust you broke

the heart you make unwhole 

[wordsaboutgettingbetter-blog]

victim

you were so quick to fill the role of the victim

you deliberately hurt me for a year

(and much longer than that without realizing)

and put me through hell on a whim

and the minute, no the second

i made a choice that put me first

you were quick to make it all about you

with no regard on why i needed to do this in the first place

[wordsaboutgettingbetter-blog]

leaving

leaving you was the second best thing i did

it was the second time in my life 

that i chose myself over others

that i didn’t ignore warning signs

that i didn’t ignore my inner voice

it still hurts every day

but i don’t regret it

the best thing i ever did 

was realize that i was worth it 

and that i didn’t deserve to be treated like that

and i deserved someone who loved me

and didn’t disregard me every day

it still hurts every day

but i don’t regret it

[wordsaboutgettingbetter-blog]

air

for so many months i’ve been numb

the numbness only subsiding when the pain overpowers it

and just like that

i’m gasping for air

unable to breathe

unable to think

unable to stop the stinging in my eyes

and the way my face feels raw 

you’ve really done a number on me

[wordsaboutgettingbetter-blog]

die

when i say i want to die

i don’t always mean that i want to kill myself

i mostly mean i want to dissappear 

i want to stop existing

i want to stop feeling numb

i want to fade into the blackness 

all without hurting everyone i care about

[wordsaboutgettingbetter-blog]

over it

i think about what it would be like to be “over it”

over the heartache

over the pain

over you

and seeing you with her so soon, with that smile glued to your face

made me realize i meant so little to you

that there was nothing for you to get over

[wordsaboutgettingbetter-blog]

skeleton

I still can’t think of the day you left without breaking down. I’m so confused as to where I am in life. Not life, maybe, but maybe I mean in my healing process. Last year most mornings I woke up wanting to die. 

I have never felt an emptiness in my chest as hollow as this, My chest still feels raw, like it’s still not able to heal from where my hope and happiness used to live. Now I just feel numb. 

I lost a great love last year and I think he took my ability to love with him. My compassion must have gone with him too when he left.  Every day I search for the hopeful, innocent girl that once used to occupy my skeleton. 

Where are you?

Where did you go?

Why did you leave?

Why did you let him in?

Please come back.

[wordsaboutgettingbetter-blog]

kettle

My chest feels like an open wound. Or rather, like a tea kettle that's been left on the stove for so long that all the water is long gone and has evaporated into the air. Now, all that’s left is the hot dry raw scorching metal. It’s getting harder and harder to want to be on this Earth. 

[wordsaboutgettingbetter-blog]

numb

The numbness has consumed me. It follows me like a shadow. It is with me when I sleep when I eat when I'm spending time with my friends, with me always. The numbness used to be something I craved just to escape the pain but some days I miss the pain and want it back so badly because at least then I would feel something.

[wordsaboutgettingbetter-blog]

i was expecting anger

“He and I always say that we are going to work on the things that bother one another. Truly I do always try. He knows I don’t like when he’s distant and a bunch of other stuff I wrote about a few days ago, and he really really has been making changes. He gave me so much love when I first saw him in the parking lot. I truly was expecting him to be mad at me for making him wait or something and it just made the whole trip better. I came home last night, but Thursday night we played video games with my friends and honestly it was a blast. 

He is in the bathroom right now so I have a moment to myself I get very sad,  especially right now, because I’m sitting here in bed and he's just in the other room and god do I miss him like crazy. If I didn't have so much work to do at school I would go crazy missing him. I miss him every day. It hurts bad, and sometimes the missing him weighs on me so hard it feels like I’ve got 10 years of depression laying in my heart. Maybe that’s dramatic but so what this is my journal and that’s just what I think. 

Speaking of depression, I’m not really thinking that it’s my body adjusting to being back at school. I’m with everyone I love and I’m still not feeling myself. I’m anxious, I snap easily, and I’m moody. I don’t know how anyone even wants to be around me. I’ve had the number dialed multiple times to call the counseling center but every time I can never make that call. I don’t know why... Maybe it’s because things are getting so bad that I can’t fix them myself.”

// April 9, 2016

“I need to, I’m going to, I want to.” All words that too often get left unfulfilled and lead to disappointment. One of the things I hate most about myself is the inability to see the bad in people. My whole life this has been something I thought was so great, so unique, but in reality, it has done nothing but increase the pain I’ve gone through when people let me down time and time again. Why couldn’t I see that happily greeting someone is not asking too much? Why didn’t I realize the long-term damage it was causing me to be in fear of making someone wait for a few minutes? Why couldn’t I just love someone who wanted to be loved? Someone who would love me back, and actually show me or tell me so I wasn’t an emotional wreck every week? Why couldn’t I have made that call? I knew I needed help. Maybe I wouldn’t be in therapy once or even twice a week if I would have taken a step forward when I really needed it. 

// December 29th, 2017

[wordsaboutgettingbetter-blog]

the greatest thing//the worst thing

“Today is a day that one would categorize as a good day. I got to paint, meet my friend for lunch, and he is coming for a visit tonight. I really, really miss him. I get upset sometimes, like when we're first reunited after awhile, because it just seems so routine for him. I'm standing there jumping for joy and crying from happiness and usually I get a pat on the shoulder. I guess people just show love differently. I do love him though. More than anything in the world. It's so crazy how happy another person can make you. Love is a crazy thing. He has the ability to completely destroy me emotionally and mentally. (Not physically, I, retry tough) but for whatever reason, so far, he's just loved me back. That has been the greatest thing to ever happen to me.”

// April 7th, 2016

Some days I wish I could go and open that girls eyes. You could have saved yourself from years of heartache. You're telling yourself he doesn't love you the way you need, you see this happening and it never gets better. The love gets less and the hurt hurts more. And one day, for whatever reason, he will decide to destroy you emotionally and mentally. The laughter will escape from your chest, and your soul will vacate the space in your chest, and the smile will fall from your face. One day you'll be strong enough to get those lost pieces of you back, but for now you have to rebuild the homes that those pieces used to live in. 

// December 28th, 2017

[wordsaboutgettingbetter-blog]

my self

The thing I hate most about myself is that I don’t know anything. I really don’t. I can’t make up my mind and I’m nervous and I want to be confident and I want to be secure and I don’t know if I ever will be. I want to feel free. I want to be rid of the weight that I wake up with every morning, and fall asleep under every night. I want to feel happy. I want to feel hope. And I want to feel like I know how to get there.

// August 2017