Eman

Writer,some random thoughts and things. ✨

[wordsandwhatbeneathmuse]

Orange paper cut

Last year I visited mac since long time with date

The next time i already decided that mac is my favorite meal place with nice strawberry milkshakes

Last year I gave away so many hopeless romantic feelings

but no matter how time is right

It always failed

because it was for the wrong person

This year i am somewhere away and behind

But i still don't know my favorite song, meal, or place

I gave away too much of me to people who became just shadows and suffocated myself with their remains

Now i question myself I question everything

I feel hurt like paper cut hurt

They saw only love hurts like this

Love what love?

I don't believe in love anymore

or maybe i am doing it all wrong

maybe i was fool for other fools

Still i have so many questions with no answers

But what I know now

IS that my favorite color is orange and sky blue

[wordsandwhatbeneathmuse]

It was winter

When I put my guards down

When I decided to feel

When I decided to breath

When I thought that I am finally healed

My heart skipped a beat

First time you held my cold hands

My head started spinning

Doubting what your heart may hold

But in the end

I loved and I have lost

My guards are up

But the battle is over

I am up at the shore

The sun really burns

I finally walked away

I am finally free

[wordsandwhatbeneathmuse]

Sometimes

I tried to be somewhere near you

Close enough yet so far

I am walking like a shadow

Nursing your wounds

Breaking my bones in the process

I can’t imagine it how does it feel to be forgotten

I tried to walk away

But you pulled me closer

Following you blindly

I know i am not your first option

Yet here standing by your side

It is so difficult

You disgust me sometimes

You impress me sometimes

you tear me up sometimes

you fill me up sometimes

Sometimes is never enough

Enough was never mine

You are a mistake

A mistake is never mine.

[wordsandwhatbeneathmuse]

Do you ever have someone look at you and feel ease and seen by them? They ask you questions and you answer them freely without too much planning? you feel completely utterly comfortable seen in their lens that’s what i am living like it is safe for the first time to exist.

[wordsandwhatbeneathmuse]

Bloody war

It is hard to admit

That you have been defeated

By something that gave you

Warmth and strength

It is hard to accept

The pain

It is hard to accept

The sorrow

But the only way out

Is to accept

Accept things and let go

I accept that it was bloody war

I accept that I loved and lost

I accept that I have been defeated

[wordsandwhatbeneathmuse]

When he thinks I can be casual but the poem i wrote starts with “I would burn holes in my skin if you wanted to touch my soul”

[wordsandwhatbeneathmuse]

Dreamy rooftop

I fell in love with this city

After I fell in love with him

I loved the sky

I loved the sea

I loved this rooftop we used to meet in

I loved him

I loved the birds flying around

For god sake i loved my profession

Because he used to talk about it a lot

Now i am his the city

I still love the sea

But I hate him

I still love the birds

But I hate the rooftop

I hate it’s orange and white colors

I still love sky

But I hate him

I don’t know if it is anger or grief

But it still hurts

He didn’t hold on

He didn’t even try

Now i am hopelessly romantic

Writing poems about him

Wishing to go back in time

Wishing I wouldn’t have said what i said

Wishing that I kept it to myself

Wishing i wasn’t lead on by him

Wishing he told me he is in love with someone else

Wishing I would erase last winter

So now I won’t hate this city.

[wordsandwhatbeneathmuse]

Teal Comfort

I never believed in Therapy

But it was 2019

It was the teal sofa That changed my life

I remember all the dark thoughts

I remember you holding my soul to the safest seashore

I remember all the sincere advices you said

I still have your hand written notes

We talked, and we healed

But we never talked about death

We never talked about losing you

We never talked about going without saying goodbye

I always remember you Noha

I remember you,

I remember you

Every prayer birthday and achievement

I hope one day we reunite and tell you

I wrote that book I dreamed of

I met the love of my life

To tell you how much losing you hard

To tell you that I now own a nice teal colored sofa

And I still remember you

Smiling, saying how much you loved the color

[wordsandwhatbeneathmuse]

The fear of missing out eats me alive; the agony of being behind in life is rotting me inside. I don’t want all of it the friends, partner, no bpd, a book of my own i just want only one of them, any of them. I am hungry for control yes but I am desperate for stability and happiness. Sometimes i think i don’t deserve it; sometimes i feel jealous but still I keep wishing and wishing and wishing.

[wordsandwhatbeneathmuse]

[wordsandwhatbeneathmuse]

Congratulations, You didn’t think about it today.

[wordsandwhatbeneathmuse]

Neon Repeals

Those flashing lights

Getting brighter than ever

Sound of laughter are louder than before

The thought of kissing him

Is getting nicer than before

Those manic feelings

The spilled drinks

The cigarettes aches

The loud music

They all seem right and fun

They all seem wrong and dump

But it is a phase

Episode you have to accept

Each dark part of yourself

[wordsandwhatbeneathmuse]

My memory attaches moments to scents, clothes, and places. So I did something today other than banning the places, I threw away the clothes.

[wordsandwhatbeneathmuse]

[wordsandwhatbeneathmuse]

In a yellow and maroon buildings

Swift of air breath

A red car flashing lights

I am hunted by the resemblance of you

Along a marching cat

I am reminded of our heavy eye smiles

By smoke of my cigarettes

I remember we danced to that song

In this city of ghosts

I remember I lost many and cried the most

In a city of ghosts i remember that I finally chose myself first

If I keep my eyes closed i would remember it all but it will never the same

Cause things break but the heart never mends

The same old place but I am face to face with someone new

But they never stay; they never do

[wordsandwhatbeneathmuse]

Fool of you

it is hard how much i crave it

and how much i escape you at same time

it is more harder to see you fade away

and ask you to stay

It hunt me to repeat history

and see my old patterns and mistakes in you

maybe it is you

maybe it is not me this time

maybe i am helplessly fool

always crawling into you

It brings shivers into me thinking of you

it brings shivers inside me thinking of me without you

but it is cold anyways here without you

can’t you see you stupid that I am waiting on you

but it is time to pack my things and feelings and go

i am no longer a fool for you or a fool of you.

[wordsandwhatbeneathmuse]

Red Sun Dress

It was summer July 24th

I picked up my bag and cell phone

His name was Tim

Tim with the red t-shirt and nice smile

Me sun with the red dress and hoping heart

Hoping that Tim will tell red that he feels the same

Long walks

Playlists

Longs calls

Shy smiles

Holding hands

All this making me insane

whispers of do you feels the same?

It is always sunny outside but never inside of me

It is all rainy

always grey

If i ever known what behind that brown eyes of yours

Well at the end all I know is that my favorite time is summer

And my favorite dress is Red

Not because it shines

It is because of you Tim