Open-hearted

all those things I wish had been said☆

[wordsbykutt-blog]

04:30:23 - « Your arms like towers »

She was terrorized of the thought of sharing this with him. She’d been awake since 03:00 trying not to move to avoid this entire conversation. What would he think of her? How would he react? Would he look upon her differently? She’d made the promise to herself that she’d tell him if they ever seen each other three times. They had. The night of the third date had turned into the morning of the fourth. She was sleepless and fidgety. She was trying to find the right words but knew that none would be. He finally opened his eyes.

- You ok?

- I need to tell you about something. I promised myself I would. I just... I don’t know where to start...

- The beginning is usually a good place.

She slowly laid her head on his chest and took his hand in hers.

- Two years ago I eum... Went to the bar with M. and friends. We’d got in a stupid argument before so once we go to the pub I decide not to sit by him because I thought he deserved to be punished in a way [nervous laugh]. I was grumpy and still very upset. Around midnight he asked me if I’d leave with him because he was tired or had things to do... I was still mad and said no. The boys said they’d bring me back if anything. [pause] Around, I don’t know what time anymore, they decided they wanted to go elsewhere and I didn’t really want to follow. I’d had a few beers but had already walked back home in far worst shape so I told the guys I was fine... It was only a twelve minute walk... I eum... [pause] I bumped into someone. I was gonna apologize... I thought I’d ran into him. [pause] He eum... He... He pushed me... in his fucking green car and well... Yah... He... [tears rolling down her cheeks] [deep breath]. He raped me. Yah... I don’t wanna get into the details..

He held on her tightly in that moment, brushing her hair. He didn’t say a word for a little while.

- You don’t know who it was?

She shook her head « no »

- You’re the first person with whom I’ve not felt the need to drink before sleeping with. You don’t know how much that means. I haven’t felt this vulnerable in a long time...

- I would not do that to you. I’d never take advantage of you, of anyone. I wouldn’t feel right.

If you ask her, that was the moment she knew she was falling for him. She knew she was falling and hard.

[wordsbykutt-blog]

Wild hearts can’t be broken.

This is easy. This is light. It is all of them things because it is also impossible. We will never become ‘’ us ‘’. We will never be a thing. I will never visit you. You will never visit me. I will never meet your friends. You will never know mine. You will never know my family and I yours. I profoundly know that and it is okay. We’re just playing around, teasing and arousing one another. You know as well as I do it’s all there is. I wouldn’t believe you even if you said otherwise.

It is one of the many consequences to heartbreak; one tends to believe less or even not at all. Promises become empty words until they are actually put into action. We are in two different provinces. I have been down the long distance relationship route before and was left alone, sad and broken. All my hopes and dreams were taken from me. I had to rebuild myself. I still am. I had to rise from ashes so cold that they looked more like dust than the remains of a once strong burning fire. Time has made the embers start to glow faintly. In time, the fire will burn strongly again. It appears to be the only answer : time. 

The best part of what is going on between us is that you do not have the power to hurt me. You make me smile, laugh, blush but I have not given you the power to break me because, this time, I am very aware that you are ephemeral. You are the in between. You are the person between the past and the future. The one that is separating the bad and what is yet to come. I am sorry. I am not usually one to play games. I am sure you deserve better but so did I. So did I…

I still want you to know that I was always honest to you and thought every single word I wrote. It was all very real. It still is. The only thing I hid was the fact the voice in my head was saying ‘’ this is not real, it won’t last, you’re still alone’’.

[wordsbykutt-blog]

June 15th 2018 - Recap.

2018 : 24-years-old : Separation, moving back home

2017 : 23-years-old : Hired in field of work, graduation from University

2016 : 22-years-old : Trip to NB with the boys

2015 : 21-years-old : First year of Uni completed

2014 : 20-years-old : Graduation from College with honors

2013 : 19-years-old : Hired in my field of work

2012 : 18-years-old : Became an adult, finished my first year of college

2011 : 17-years-old : Graduated from high school

2010 : 16-years-old : Beginning of first serious relationship

2009 : 15-years-old : You left me.

It’s been nine years, John. Everything has changed since. You missed on so much, so many moments I wish we could’ve shared. I’m not a little girl anymore. I hope you’d be proud of where I am at and of whom I have become as a person. I got a tattoo for you, a permanent reminder that storms don’t last. They were your words... How I wish you’d believed them yourself. I miss you buddy. For ever yours ❤️

[wordsbykutt-blog]

11:46:55 - I’m a ticking time bomb : don’t get too close.

Please stay. Keep holding me close. Don’t talk too much. Don’t make promises. Just hold me. Keep me safe. Keep me believing.

The night was perfect. You were perfect. Good people still exists. Thanks for that... I’d lost hope and you brought some back. I have no expectations this time but know that you were a rainbow in all of this. I needed it. I needed you. Thanks for bringing softness and hope

[wordsbykutt-blog]

If only we could delete the memories as easily as the Messenger conversations. 

[wordsbykutt-blog]

09:54:08 - Fuck butterflies.

Everything hurts. Everything aches. Nothing is working. Disappointments just keep piling. I am at lost. People say I’m a good person. What does it change? No one treats me better because of it. Always an afterthought you’re such a nice person, sorry. Sorry? It does not cut it. I’m used just as much as any other. I am not a toy. I do not play games. I trust. Blindly and fully. I am not a player. I always lose. I hate games. Fuck naivety. Fuck illusions. Fuck love. Fuck it all. Fuck you. All of you. But mostly, fuck you heart for clinging and breaking and believing all over again. How stupid are you, heart? How many times do you want to go through the pain? It’s not worth it. All the tears, all the heartache, all the anger, all the questions: it’s not worth it. Please heart, stop fluttering. Actually, fuck the stupid butterflies too. Can we kill the butterflies? Let me burn them. Every last one. They don’t understand the consequences of their flying around and making me believe it will end well this time. I need to make sure they will not fly again. Never again. I can’t keep going through this. I’m sick of feeling broken. Maybe we can switch the butterflies for hyenas. When someone gets too close they’ll claw my insides and I’ll be reminded of the pain. That’s it. I need to get my butterflies changed. Fuck you butterflies. I’m better off without you. 

[wordsbykutt-blog]

09:28:55 - People lie. It’s what they do. What were you expecting?

[wordsbykutt-blog]

02:08:13 - The ghost of him.

Dear P.,

The first time I saw you it’s your ressemblance with John that hit me. The same grey eyes. The same calmness. The tattoo sleeve. The same detached persona. You were so much like John. It hit me. Like a fucking train. My first reaction was to go away, leave you there, move on. I wouldn’t allow another John in my life. That didn’t last. I came back. We talked. We laughed. I thought of him. The good, the bad. Everything. I should have let you leave that night. Ignored the text. Not go to the parking lot. Not accept the hug and compliments. Not reply to the sweet messages. I should have remembered John, the mess, the hurting. I knew that guys like John never brought me anything good... I should have cut you loose the next day. You weren’t single. You’d already lied. I should have moved on but we both knew I was already hocked. It’s all you needed. You had won. I’d lost. I shouldn’t have accepted to see you that night. Should have ran from you, from the upcoming mess. I should have known. I knew. I shouldn’t have let you play with me : stay, don’t, come, leave, stay... I should have stopped answering. Should have stopped opening the messages but I couldn’t... You were so much like John. It felt like he was back : my best friend, my first love, my first loss. For the first time in a long time it felt like John was back. Him and his stupid grey fucking eyes. I wanted to save you the way I hadn’t saved him. I wanted to give you what I hadn’t given him. I wish we hadn’t stayed in contact so many days, weeks. I wish I hadn’t had sex with you. Wish I hadn’t been played, that the joke hadn’t been on me. I never wanted to be a number. I just missed John. You felt familiar, like an old friend. Now, you’re gone and you’ve left such mess behind you. I feel like I’ve lost John all over again. I miss having someone texting me, wanting me and pushing me away because that’s exactly what he used to do. Even if it was all lies, all a game. It was our game. The game I used to lose at with John. I want to lose with you because during those moments I win a few more minutes of John. I guess I’ve used you too.

[wordsbykutt-blog]

05:21:34 - Endings.

It’s over. It really is. We have nothing holding us together now. We are no longer linked by any matter except memories and broken dreams. It’s been done for months but now it’s officially over. No reasons to write, text or call. I wished it’d been otherwise... I do. I wonder if you still think of me at times. Do I ever cross your mind? I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re moving on.

I miss you M. I really do.

xx - Always, K.

[wordsbykutt-blog]

I can’t accept that you’d just walk away on me. I can’t accept that you’d just leave me there. I know that you’re hurt. I know that I hurt you. I know I’ve disappointed you. I know I’ve hurt your feelings. I still am... I know all of this. Still, I won’t spend my life without you. I can’t. I’m being selfish. I always am, aren’t I? I’m aware this is very conflicting for you because you also want me in your life, for ever, but as more than a simple friend. The fact that I am unsure of my feelings still does not allow you to leave me, K. You promised you’d stay. We said for ever. We promised, almost nine years ago now, that we’d always have each other’s backs. June 16th 2009, 4:17 AM. Do you remember? I meant every word that morning. We were drunk and broke but I meant it all. Through thick and thin. We swore that we would always be honest, brutally honest when need be. No lies. No more fucking lies. We’re all we have left of before. You and me. Me and you. We’re the only two remaining of the initial 6 pack. We’re all that’s left, K. You’re the only one I can still share the memories with, the good ones and the bad. You’re my best friend, my rock and anchor. I need you and that’s an understatement. You have no idea. I can’t do it without you. You’ve been there 23 years. You know me like no one else does. We’ve been through storms before, this is no different. I promise we’ll make it through this one too. We’ll figure it all out. We may be scratched and bruised by the end of it but we’ll make it through. We always do. Right? Together. Trust me. Do you still trust me? I don’t want to lose another best friend. I can’t. I know I won’t survive it. You know I’m having a hard time with the three words right now because they are heavier with meaning but K, I love you. I swear. I always have and always will. Those feelings have taken different shapes throughout the years but have always been there. They always will be there. Why do you think I care so much? I’m just scared to commit. Losing my best friend is one thing. Losing the love of my life is another. I couldn’t bear losing both. I can’t do it. I’m sorry K. Can you please stay though? Don’t leave me...

[wordsbykutt-blog]

03:05:02 - 24 years old feels lonely without you ...

Happy birthday Kutt. Make a wish.

[wordsbykutt-blog]

11:17:38 - Why kiss me? Why accept to take a room? Why?

You know this means more to me. You know I care.

[wordsbykutt-blog]

05:51:46 - This isn’t okay.

I am not okay.

[wordsbykutt-blog]

00:51:34 - Please don’t die

I need you.

[wordsbykutt-blog]

02:53:05 - I love you. Both.

That is the problem...

[wordsbykutt-blog]

04:09:45 - He broke me which in time ended up breaking us. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more.

I hate you. I hate what you did to me. You took things from me you didn’t have the right to take. I’ll never be the same. I’ve never been the same since that day. I wish I’d stayed home that night...

[wordsbykutt-blog]

01:25:03 - You can't use people that way...