ordered chaos

[wordsofalonelycloud]

I am brought to stutter & silence by the aggressively beautiful presence of men. I am endlessly in love with all the details. The bright eyes over dark eyelashes. The furrowed eyebrows in concentration. The shy boys who are intimidated by my presence and the bold loud boys who I am both terrified by and in love with. The worn, tired faces of older men, whose eyes soften immediately upon seeing that a young woman full of curiosity is serving them their morning coffee. I am dreaming of the soft moments and I am thankful to be dreaming.

[wordsofalonelycloud]

remarkably uninspiring

Sometimes, there are no shamefully confronting thoughts to be had at 1am. Sometimes, I am just another unremarkable person awake when the world is asleep, enjoying the images my imagination creates of cliché sleeping children with snoring pets and lego sets beside their beds. The nightmares and anxiety are merely distant echos in the back of the cave that is my brain, and I am walking out the entrance greeting a new day. With no particular inspiration inside me, just a hunger for breakfast and perhaps a coffee. Today I am happy to just be.

[wordsofalonelycloud]

surrender

I will surrender myself to impulse and let myself be washed away by mediocre waves. The spontaneous and intoxicating person i aspire to be conforms rather to my lifeless real world fantasies of abandoning commitments and admitting defeat to my suicidal tendencies. I am tired of violently fighting to be half as healthy as everyone else, when they do not even have to try. This time I am comforted as the ocean draws me further out and I begin to erode. This time i surrender myself to the smallest of waves that will be enough to consume me entirely. This time I surrender. 

[wordsofalonelycloud]

thewordsitellmyself

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the same understanding you so generously give others. You are only so young and only human.

[wordsofalonelycloud]

Things I am thankful for; my financial privilege. The fresh & healthy produce I am able to afford, to be able to eat out with friends where my worries are forgotten entirely for a few hours. The plane tickets I am able to buy to play my music in other states, the privilege of living in such a beautiful, nature filled city. Money does not buy happiness but it sure does help.

[wordsofalonelycloud]

I am in a constant state of confusion over the images presented before my eyes. I am at home in my pajamas, simply watching the B grade movie that is my life. What a god damn rip off. I feel confusion in my bones and that is all I know. Is everyone on this bus fighting the same internal conflict? Are they contemplating causing destruction so they don't have to go to work? Is their internal voice screaming manically, pleading for the deception that is their external stillness to be revealed? They all look like such uninspiring, lifeless humans. Their furrowed eyebrows and squinted eyes battling the sun, candy crush and tinder. Do I look that lifeless? I know I do. Aren't we all just uninspiring humans forcing ourselves to live the lives of least resistance?

[wordsofalonelycloud]

I wonder where my wonder has gone? I no longer feel violently in love with the simple beauties of this life, rather warmed and softened by them. I feel the heavy blanket that is existence conform around my body and provide a comforting pressure, a weight i surrender myself to happily. 

[wordsofalonelycloud]

all I know is that I am resentful of the world, perhaps for no other reason than I am tired of resenting myself

[wordsofalonelycloud]

absent audience

It is only at 3am do I contribute my desperate attempts to feel something to the absent audience of the internet. Another piece of writing that initially seems so enigmatic and curious. Yet after a reluctant second inspection the morning after the romance wears off, I am forced to face the not so surprising reality that what I have created is just over dramatic and seemingly pretentious. I am on a desperate hunt, in search for anything that will make me feel. Everything looks peculiar and profound under the light of your laptop at 3am. I will project meaning and relevance onto absolutely anything my heart desires. But when the devastating truth inevitably hits the next morning, regret and disappointment will always consume me.