words of a whiny bitch

[wordsofawhinybitch]

There’s no grey

Sometimes I can just sit and watch the words flow out of me. Almost like a lava lamp if it got knocked over and spilt out. It burns, but in a good way. Like the day after your first new-year-new-me workout. Sometimes it feels like purging, like my body is detoxing everything I've internalized. But sometimes the words get stuck, like dried cement. Like play-doh without the lid. I’m frozen in time and my mouth and brain can’t meet in the middle. I’m not sure what comes over me. It’s off or on, white or black. There’s no grey.

[wordsofawhinybitch]

the rain is drowning out the silent hiss of anxiety that slips out of me, as if the earth was being cleansed of it's hatred and discomfort. it was already 3:51pm although she felt tired. exhausted really, like any and all efforts that were intended had vanished in thin air. 

try again tomorrow 

[qvotable]

People change and forget to tell each other.

Lillian Hellman (via qvotable)

[quotemadness]

I don’t know why it is that I have always been happier thinking of somewhere I have been or wanted to go, than where I am at the time. I find it difficult to be happy in the present.

Pat Conroy (via quotemadness)

[wordsofawhinybitch]

saying hello

I saw you today, with my eyes closed of course, you were only here for a split second.

 You didn’t say a word, but I could hear you. I could feel your laugh as if you were right beside me. A sound I haven't heard in years. 

I’m not sure why you were there, I’m sure you don’t know either. See, I try to look both ways before you cross my mind but this time I had no control.

There you were, grinning at me, as if you never left. Our eyes locked for a moment, that familiar feeling I'd been searching for was standing right in front of me. We were 15 again, full of adventure, surrounded by nothing but the joy of summer break. 

As my eyes opened and you face began to blur, my reality smacked me across the face. Back in my room I lay awake wondering if that was your way of saying “hello, I miss you.”

[wordsofawhinybitch]

vanish

[heartbreakhur]

[thislovethathurt]

“Why do they say fall in love like it happens just once? I am constantly, over and over again, falling in love with you.”

–12:46 PM

[wordsofawhinybitch]

everything sucks and here’s why

one day you wake up and you’re twenty-something and your parents are on your ass about school or work and they want you to find a “real job“ and move out. half your friends are part time students, part time alcoholics while the other half are successfully gearing into adulthood. meanwhile you and your 1.5 years worth of an art degree is hanging over your head while grandma harasses you about being single for the twenty-something year in a row, as if you needed a reminder that you’ve spent the last twenty-something valentines day, Christmas, new years AND thanksgiving ALONE. As if you needed o n e  m o r e reminder that everything sucks. So here you are, on a fucking lonely-ass Thursday night. It’s mid December and you haven't even started Christmas shopping yet because the malls to hectic and it triggers your never-to-be-diagnosed anxiety and your best friend is texting you about how well her hook-up with Daniel was and how cute he is and all you can think of is how lovely it would be to fall asleep and not wake up, but you’ll smile and tell her your proud of her for being a go-getter and try your best to resist just a few more white lines, between your shitty part time job and your shitty manager, I can only begin to explain why everything sucks. 

[wordsofawhinybitch]

timing is everything

I mean this in it‘s most literal form.

see for me, timing has always been an issue, I was always too busy, didn’t have enough time for a boyfriend, and it was never really the right time to find one. I  didn’t use enough time and effort says miss Simons 4th grade art mark, even my first kiss wasn’t on time. there was never a good time to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, or the right time to have your second mid-life crisis this month but we never found time to look into either. everything evolves around time and there‘s no way of stopping it. I think that’s the scariest part. 

[wordsofawhinybitch]

t w e n t y

being in your twenties, it’s hard.... really, fucking hard. there were a lot of unforeseen pressures no one had told me about, like the question “so what are you doing after college?“ or “do you have a boyfriend yet?” or the favorite, “so are you gonna move out?” 

I just want to scream,

how THE FUCK 

am I

suppose to know

all the answers

[wordsofawhinybitch]

feelin sad again today

it seems like everyone around me is doing so well, and here I am. 

its one fifteen on the first Saturday in November. My bed has never felt colder. I’ve checked my phone at least once every ten minutes to see if you’ve replied, and you haven’t, yet. and I know you’re probably out some place downtown with all your friends, and I know I probably haven’t crossed your mind once, but now it’s one seventeen and I've been staring at my phone in hopes of a sign, in hopes that something will poses you to think of me.

[wordsofawhinybitch]

plan b

i’m trying so hard, can’t you see? i’m trying so fucking hard.

I tried to check all the boxes. laugh at his jokes, check. Don’t come off too independent, check. Don‘t come off to needy, check. Be pretty but don’t wear to much make-up, check. Party hard but don‘t get sloppy, check. be nice but not overly nice, check. work hard but not harder than him, check. smile, check. 

But no matter how far down the list I could check off, I know i’ll always remain at the bottom of yours, as a the last choice, when there no other options, I will always be your plan B.

[wordsofawhinybitch]

i want to vanish

i want to vanish like the way your words did in the dark that night we got high in the park under the city sky

[wordsofawhinybitch]

lonely

i wanted to be, so desperatly, anything you wanted me to be.

so i changed everything about myself in hopes i could fit into your picture somehow, hoping i could be enough for you

but i wasn't, and here i am, in bed on a tuesday afternoon praying that something in the world will compell you to think of me just once, even if its just for a second.

[wordsofawhinybitch]

suicunday

When he stopped texting me the second time, I finally got the hint. Fine, you don’t want to talk to me? fine. Because when the fifth boy in less than 6 months breaks your heart yet again, it’ s a different sad.  

 See, this type of sadness likes to creep up your spin and slither down your throat. At first you won’t notice it, the pain seems almost bearable but slowly it makes it’s way to the most vulnerable part of the human body. And tonight my heart sits in my throat, waiting for me to purge all of the emotion, self-doubt, repressed thoughts, regrets, and every single trace of you from my body.

But I don’t have the courage to fight back. For the third night this week I’ll do what I always do. That consists of three things: 1. Eat everything in the house OR  see how long I can go before my body famished. 2. write shitty poetry no one will ever see or read and 3. sit in the dark, put my favorite “broken hearts club” playlist on and draw some lovely little red lines.

Because when the fifth boy in less than 6 months breaks your heart yet again, it’s a different sad. A sad that isn’t fixed with complements from a hot college guy at the bar or a drunk call at 2AM asking “wyd”. This type of sad doesn’t get fixed, doesn’t get asked if they’re mentally stable enough to go work, doesn’t see a psychiatrist or specialist. This type of sadness is asked by estranged family members why I’ve never brought a boy home.

But unlike every stupid, heartless boy, this type of sadness won't leave you for a skinny brunette at a nigh club downtown. No, this type of sadness likes to sit at the end of your bed,it waits until Moring to greet you with the sun and will tuck you in a night. This type of sadness is incurable.  

[wordsofawhinybitch]

confessions of a ill patient 

“one day you’re going to get sick and tired of always being sick and tired”. well the doctor was right. there isn’t enough cough drops in the world to stop my chest from exploding out the horrendous sound of your name, I’ve been trying to shake this cold for weeks but I think the memory of you is buried too deep. I’ve ran out of Band-Aids to cover up each cut and bruise you leave every time you think it’s convenient to temporarily disappear from my life, and at this point I don‘t think they make aspirin strong enough to rid you from my head;my confused, blurry, rather lonely mind. a chill comes over me when I think of the last time we talked. I mean actually talked about something that wasn’t just, what I call a “filler”. A filler is just another pointless conversation about something neither of us care about that fills the emptiness.. come to think of it, I guess that makes me a filler. but one day the bags under my eyes will vanish and I‘ll be able to stand on two feet again, without you, the co-dependent crutch I needed for so long, and I will walk, NO, STRUT out of the hospital bed