so, iāve been thinking...bout you.
Iāve been wondering if IāmĀ delusional or just a fucking idiot.
I start to look at signs or decoding everything we did and things that happened for the last one month. the problem is, Iām really into you. I really thought I could spend the rest of my life with you, but Iām having doubts now.
I havenāt feel like iām a part of you life since we separated. some days you disappear, like weāve never met, some days you say youāre so busy i wonder what am i to you. some days i feel like Iām just the friend who you talk with when youāre bored. some days, well, itās like I really have you. hell i donāt even know whatās your favourite food or favourite song.Ā
My mind had been running run wild, so hereās what i think.
1. Weāre not on the same stair on love. our expectations are different and we never talk about it or what we are hoping to happen.
2. youāve been alone too long, like me. I need constant affection and reaffirmation but itās hard for you to show it. itās hard for me to open up to another person, it was so hard for me to sayĀ āi love youā to another human i didnāt remember what those 3 words sounds like, until i met you.
3. Iām just too convenient to you. Iām 5 time zones away, and thereās nothing solid between us. thereās enough distance for you to live the life you want. dayās youāre bored, you give me more attention, days you have something (or someone) else, you forgot bout me.Ā
4. youāre really that busy. (but who are we lying to? is spending 30 minutes a day to talk too much?)
5. Iām was never part of your plan. It was meant to be just a vacation fling.
Iām all burnt out, you made me so confused I've lost myself. I donāt remember when did i last laugh, i find myself in tears whenever Iām alone. Everyday I wake up thinking of you, if i was on your mind. Every night i sleep, telling myself youāre just occupied with other things.
when you shared the pictures with me, i realised Iām not part of your life. that week of getaway i feel like Iām used for sex, at least i know Iām good in bed. I couldnāt find us in any of the photos you took, I only see me throwing myself at you and you were awkward about it, I see you feeling happy being on your own, like i wasnāt there with you.
what am i to you? was i just convenient or you were bored?
Iām wiping away the tears, cos Iām tired of waiting for a love thatās not happening.
Should i start picking myself up and forget about you? Was I loving the ghost of you?
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