WORD VOMIT

my poems, my thoughts, my feelings, my word vomit, aka racing thoughts, sometimes disguised as poetry, brought to you directly from my erratic mind.

[wordvomitpoetry]

loneliness is just the realization, that we are and will always be alone separated from the rest the mind distinct from the minds of the others

[wordvomitpoetry]

ditched by a man i just met i cried in the sun today head high eyes down i'm regretting my vulnerability

i cried in the sun today the rays of pure warmth making me feel safe again i'm regretting my vulnerability i deserve to protect my energy

the rays of pure warmth making me feel safe again feeling safe when im doing the right thing i deserve to protect my energy everything happens for a reason

im regretting my vulnerability head high eyes down i deserve to protect my energy ditched by a man i just met

[wordvomitpoetry]

The man I wanted didn’t want me But only to fuck me

In love I fucked him In pain I dumped him

Alonely lone Againly aglone

Too Much Pain Too much pain to handle Even after the crying The self hugging The ice cream eating The deep breathing

Blinded by loneliness I went back To the one that wanted me Hurt me Haunted me But only in my thoughts And it felt real enough Self destroying enough To distract me from the pain

A distracting love-project Only existing in my mind At least for now

[wordvomitpoetry]

night routine:

sitting on the bathroom floor crying in the corner gasping for air in the corner

lights off disappearing please disappear

[wordvomitpoetry]

moving from infatuation to being in love the difference presents itself clearly for the one in love

[wordvomitpoetry]

a physical mess a messy apartment perfectly telling an imperfect story of a mental mess a messy mind revealing signs of cycling moods but good intention finished wine bottles, a sign of excitement, dates and kisses but also one of lonely nights - crying used dishes a sign of a close to depressive overwhelmed mind clothes on the bedroom floor (assuming there is still floor underneath) revealing a great intention to organize a closet (and a mind) but getting distracted or just simply giving up halfway half-empty blister packs of antidepressants and ‘anti-adhd’s’ flooding the kitchen counter five different books with five different bookmarks and notes on them all, taking up the space of the dining table making it no place to dine a week’s worth of trash bags, on the balcony an attempt to get them out of sight a sign of anxiety to face the world, to cross the border that is the balcony shopping lists and handbags on the floor of the entrance a sign of hoping to cross the border soon to face the anxiety to face the world soon maybe next week

[wordvomitpoetry]

Blinded by loneliness I went back to the one that wanted me Hurt me Haunted me

[wordvomitpoetry]

The man I wanted didn’t want me But only to fuck me In love I fucked him In pain I dumped him Alonely lone Againly aglone Too Much Pain Too much pain to handle Even after the crying The self hugging The ice cream eating The deep breathing Blinded by loneliness I went back To the one that wanted me Hurt me Haunted me But only in my thoughts And it felt real enough Self destroying enough To distract me from the pain A distracting love-project Only existing in my mind At least for now

[wordvomitpoetry]

normalize using lube even though you’re already wet

[wordvomitpoetry]

i feel so much love, just so much love. for all and everyone around me. it happens so suddenly. feels like a high.

but i didn't ask for a high. i asked for balance. but i'll take this over apathy any day.

[wordvomitpoetry]

we’re apart but our souls are cemented together the trauma bond you so thoroughly created; the only thing left between us like old cement; holding together crumbling building blocks please let go and let me crumble in peace

[wordvomitpoetry]

you’re not the one to decide i’m the one in control i am; control being; controlled

[wordvomitpoetry]

you are heedless to the fact that i live, so why do you need to ensure that i remain alive?

[wordvomitpoetry]

i said to the doctor the night i got admitted to an intensive psych ward against my will he wrote it down i smiled when i saw my words, quoted in my health record, the next day maybe he didn’t know how to explain my feeling using professional medical terminology maybe he just didn't care to try or maybe he thought i was right and that i was a genius for saying so, and therefore decided to quote me i convinced myself of the lather

however i was still unable to grasp why he would not just accept the fact that i could not be helped by now that i was a lost cause by now that they only cared about keeping me alive but never about helping me live a tolerable life and most importantly; that i should be the one deciding if i wanted to live or not

they only seemed to care about my life now when i was determined to die they only seemed to care about my life now after my first suicide attempt and my second and my third

too late i hated them they saved my life still not sure how i feel about that though

[wordvomitpoetry]

you are heedless to the fact that i live, so why do you need to ensure that i remain alive?

[wordvomitpoetry]

i miss the way you looked at me  through me  inside of me  understood me but now you’re gone gone with the feeling of symbiosis  the building blocks of our relationship symbiosis

it feels so safe like a warm house when someone sees through you  inside of you  understands you

we’re apart but our souls are cemented together the soulful connection being the only thing left like old cement trying to hold together crumbling building blocks that used to be the warm house  that kept us safe

but it was all a lie and we were never safe in that house it won’t work trying to hold it together  we'd need new cement, new building blocks maybe we should even try another color this time? another type  another style 

it will take time maybe months maybe years to tear down the old house  to build the new one but it will be a better one i promise

one where we can both feel safe and free lets maybe use tree instead of bricks we can build a tree house stay there once in a while keep it playful and easy it will be great i promise

[wordvomitpoetry]

i breathe breathe in through my nose hold it for a little while i breathe out through my mouth my head tilted back face to the sky except the sky is not in sight the sight is nothing but a ceiling a ceiling in a room filled with smoke and sounds the breath that could have been so beautiful so perfect it could have been just right but it’s nothing but a chase for the high the breathing through the nose just to get it inside the holding of the breath the breathing through the mouth my head tilted back all just to keep it inside to keep the courage, the pleasure, the bliss, the powder the powder is the point the point is the powder