What happens in my head when others talk about weight loss
--Trigger Warning: ED and diet talk--
This is a hard post to write.Ā Iāve dealt with the subject more generically here in the past.... but Iām having another āflare upā of struggling and so Iām going to try and discuss it in a more personal fashion.
I tend towards organization, planning and scheduling as part of my every day life - and there was a period in my life where I very, VERY rigidly applied those things to food and exercise.Ā The foods I put into my mouth were counted, measured, tracked, right down to āallowingā myself to have 3 croutons on my usual Friday lunch salad.Ā The number of minutes I exercised and which machines at what pace/weight I used were scheduled, planned and adhered to with a complete lack of concern for my own bodies actual well being.Ā When I failed to gain the slim, fit body that these routines were designed to bring me - I sought medical attention.Ā When tests showed nothing medically wrong, my GP sent me to specialists.Ā When more tests showed nothing medically wrong, some of those specialist told me I was lying to them about the food I was consuming and/or the exercise I was doing.Ā And so I redoubled my efforts, and even went so far as adding a fasting day to each week.Ā And still, at 5ā²3ā³ I wore a US size 18.Ā I had almost no social life (a mandatory 3 hours, 7 days a week in the gym sort of gets in the way) and I was so incredibly unhappy. All my thoughts were consumed with the subjects of food and exercise.
In all honestly, I donāt really know what changed, but when medical professionals still had no answers for me, I started doing a LOT of reading on the subject... not reading the pop-science articles, but digging out actual scientific abstracts for newer studies on the subject and learning to understand them directly.Ā And with what I learned there, coupled with my own experiences, I began eating in a way that included more and more healthy choices, which sometimes included small amounts of foods that were emotionally satisfying with out being nutritionally dense, because my mental health became part of the equation.Ā And I found a form of exercise that I enjoy (dancing!) so that participating in it is not a chore to be scheduled and pushed through, but a part of my life that I look forward to.
and yes, all of that meant that I gained weight from where I was at the peak of my obsession with being thin.Ā Which I then had to work really hard to accept lovingly as just āpart of who I amā.... because when I balance and measure all the parts of my life, Iām happy.Ā Very happy.Ā
Iāve realized lately that a huge number of the people I associate with - friends, coworkers, family, acquaintances - are either on weight loss diets or have had weight loss surgery, and want to talk about both their process and their successes.Ā I donāt blame them for wanting to talk about it, I āgetā why they would want to, but even just witnessing those conversations with out participating is so incredibly difficult for me some days.Ā Stumbling across a friendās facebook mention of being down 3 sizes, can feel like a punch in the gut to me, and sometimes even initiates the overwhelming impulse to skip eating for the rest of the day, or plants the seeds of negative self-talk.Ā Itās at this point that I have to VERY consciously run through a list of the very valid, very scientific reasons why those things would be a very bad idea, so that I can push the impulse out of my head.Ā Intellectually, I know how to handle this, I know that I need to be kind to myself, to do something to change my focus in that moment, and to be sure to acknowledge that that moment was a hard thing and to give myself credit for choosing a happy, healthy life....
But sometimes those moments can feel really lonely too.Ā And while I have a few, I need to find more safe spaces in my life where I can be vocal about how the situation makes me feel and how hard the struggle to remain on MY healthy path can be, and more people with whom I can have this conversation, without feeling as though Iām raining on their happy, or opening myself to criticism or even ridicule.