.Thirty-two was a struggle.
Two months before my 32nd birthday, our family went through something so painful. I don’t even remember how I celebrated my birthday then. I don’t think I did. I just knew I was desperate to find healing from the heaviness that was weighing me down. I did not just lose a key figure in my life—along with it, I lost the sense of security that I had from trusting God. I felt like I lost my friendship and intimacy with Him. I doubted His love, His sovereignty, and His goodness. What used to be so easy for me to do then—to talk to Him and trust in Him, to share His word, move, and inspire—all became so difficult to do.
I struggled in finding God again.
The service that I did for Him felt like a burden, yet at the same time, I was grateful the opportunities still came…because I missed the feeling. I missed being able to trust Him. Above all, although I knew He loved me, (blah), I did not feel nor believe it and I just missed the confidence and security in knowing, deep down in my core, that I was loved and that everything will be okay.
I dreaded today (May 25th). I thought, maybe this will be my first birthday that I will regret being a year older, as if it is a day to realize that time is catching up on me or that it is running out on me. Maybe it will be crappy and I’ll just end up crying my heart out, feeling lonely, buried in self-pity.”
And cry I did…but not today.
Yesterday (May 24th), during our regular bible sharing which we call School of the Word (SOW), I felt God talking to me, and touching me in places and ways that I needed to be touched and embraced. The experience was so powerful that I wish to share it here.
For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
“I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” -- If I am, how come, then, do I have many imperfections and often get frustrated by them? Why then are there parts of me that are difficult to love?
And the answer was this: our favorite dish does not come ready-made. It needs to be prepared, labored on, and mixed with different ingredients. Each ingredient brings in an element in the dish; each one, important. Take for example, a cake—many people love it. But a cake is made from ingredients with different flavors and taste. Flour is tasteless, vinegar is sour, baking soda is bitter. Without these foul-tasting ingredients, we cannot make cake despite having the delicious milk, the sweet sugar, and the aromatic vanilla.
It is the same with me. Although, I am grateful for and proud about my positives, there are parts of me that, as in the ingredients of the cake, are sour, bitter, tasteless, and are just difficult to love. Oh, how I stressed over my negatives. Often, I’d get frustrated with myself why I am not patient enough, not understanding enough, not tactful enough. But God reminded me that even my irritability and sensitivity are important in making me who I am, as in the cake not having the right consistency without the vinegar or the baking soda. So even what I consider as the bad and the ugly, I need to embrace. Somehow, I imagine God embracing the ugly nooks and crannies within me…ESPECIALLY those ugly parts…and loving me all the same. It is reassuring knowing that I am loved despite of these, not just by God but by family and friends. Or it is even possible that I am (more) loved because of these. That does not mean that I should not strive to change for the better, it just means that I need to accept me and celebrate the whole of me. Just like what psychologist Carl Rogers said, “The curious paradox is that, when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
After reassuring me that I am enough and I am loved, God reminded me about the very thing I struggle with—patience and submission. Turning 33, I wondered if I am already in the right place, doing what I should be doing. As initially thought, I felt time was running out on me. If it were up to me, I’d have rearranged some things—made some events happen much later, and some happen earlier (or at least happen already!!!). But just as knitting goes, a masterpiece takes time and only the maker sees the end picture in mind. So patience is required. Each loop, each space, has to be exactly where it should be to make the piece look the way it should. The same is so with life’s events and experiences—some things just have to happen at that exact time and at that exact place and someday, hopefully, I will realize how it all makes sense. Besides, using the metaphor of knitting, each of us have different patterns, each of us, unique and with our own purpose. It is the same with timelines and goals. This is never a race after all. Life is meant to be lived at our own pace one step at a time. Society’s pressures are just social constructs--there is really no checklist to tick with specific dates and conditions.
He has made everything beautiful in its time.
God did not turn His back on me, rather, He patiently waited until I was ready, and continues to wait still. Realizing all these, I knew I’ve already received the best PRESENT for my birthday.
“The mountains and hills may crumble but my love for you will never end; I will keep forever my promise of peace,” says the Lord who loves you.
Yes, God, I hear you loud and clear. Sometimes, your humor just astounds me. What perfect timing. What a perfect gift for my birthday. And I can just imagine you saying, “I gotcha, don’cha worry,” with an all-knowing, loving smile painted all over your face as you watch me cry and wallow in joy and relief. Welcome back to my heart! But God… You know what I pray and hope for, right? (*wink*).
For my birthday, I had to cook some dishes for my celebration, which I usually avoided in the past. It was tiring given that I slept pretty late because we did a birthday salubong with best friends from uni. The celebration wasn’t grand, it was just a usual gathering we do with family but somehow, I felt happier…I felt very much at peace. Everything was just right. I am exactly how I should be at the moment and things definitely are at the right place at the right time. My birthday was a day that reminded me of the many things to be grateful for--family, friends, relationships, and really of how much I am loved and surrounded by beautiful people. My circumstance did not change—we are still in the midst of the pandemic, my planned dream trip is still cancelled, I am still stuck at home on my vacation, oh and I am still so single (hahaha!!!)—but my frame of mind did. And so, although everything is still the same, it is better. I feel way better. My heart overflows. <3
