DO YOU REALLY THINK HE'S WORKING WITH KANYE WEST?

When I was 3 years old, I told my doctor I wanted to go to Stanford and become a cardiothoracic surgeon. Look at me now.

[worstshowever]

13 Reasons Why

I just finished 13 Reasons and I thought I literally can’t even express how much I hate this show. Then I thought, wait a minute, Maeve. You’re being a dumb bitch. You run a blog called Worst Show Ever. Of course you can express all those reasons, and you can do it in hilarious form. So, after this pep talk and moment of self-realization, I decided I will begin blogging about this show. You can consider it my 13 tapes. And I WILL be writing Selena Gomez a letter about this. 

I will return shortly with a VERY detailed synopsis of each episode. 

XOXO,

Gossip Girl

[worstshowever]

Alante & Nevaeh

“Alante & Nevaeh”

Season 6 Episode 2 

Original Airdate: March 8, 2017 

More Appropriately Titled: Kissin’ Cousins 

This season has been full of mooks so far. Here are two more. 

Alante emails “A small town guy with a big time love.” Nev immediately finds a way to make this all about him. He shares his dream car is a Cadillac Alante. Wow, big surprise. I learned something about Nev I neither asked for nor wanted to know. Alante is from Saginaw, Michigan. The crowd goes wild because 90% of America’s catfish are in Michigan. For eight (!) years, Alante has been in purgatorial relationship with Nevaeh. Ross and Rachel suggest she could be the female Nev. Please, for the love of God, I do not have the mental strength to handle two Nevs. 

Alante has gone to meet her multiple times. However, something always popped up that prevented them from meeting, which is completely shocking and unheard of. He says she disappears for weeks at a time. I also do that, but that’s because I’m rude, crude, and socially unacceptable. 

They get Alante on the horn. He met Nevaeh online when he was a senior in high school. They spoke for years, but it only got serious when they swapped heart and kissy face emojis. 

*Looks into the camera like Jim Halpert*

I look into the camera like Jim Halpert for the following reasons: 

1) Millennials are stupid. 2017 is stupid. The future is stupid. 

2) The art of communication is dead. Aristotle would be horrified. 

3) My mom literally just told me she needs attention. 

Alante and Nevaeh have Skyped, but she’s always been in a pitch-black room. Nev musters up the strength to talk about someone other than himself. He asks Alante if he sees how suspicious all these moving pieces are. Alante says, “I try not to think of it like that.” I don’t think he’s thought much about the mechanics of this relationship.

Nev starts rambling some garbage about how this will be the one! She will be who she says she is! It’s mad trash. This is why you should sign my WhiteHouse.gov petition to have me replace Nev. Max completely ignores Nev’s barf-worthy sentiment because he, like myself, has common sense. 

They're off to see the wizard. 

They arrive in Saginaw. Surprisingly, Nev rings the doorbell instead of letting himself in uninvited. After chatting for a few minutes, Max does something very Nev-like and asks if Nevaeh’s tiny girl brain is capable of keeping up with Alante’s highly intellectual wit. Trust me, he’s no rocket scientist.

Alante tells Phoebe and Joey that he and Nevaeh spoke all day long until Jimmy Hoffa here suddenly disappeared for months at a time. She would reappear and pick up the conversation as if nothing had happened. Way to keep the upper hand, girl.

Alante has seen eight photos of Nevaeh in the last eight years. The stress of not knowing her is causing him hair loss. He was recently hospitalized due to the stress she brings him. I dead-ass don't even have a joke for this. Some people deserve to get catfished. We’ve seen plenty of bozos over the years deserve it. Nev definitely deserved it. Now this guy (eight years!). 

Nev drives recklessly through a parking lot and then they arrive at their off-brand Starbucks. Alante sends Monica and Chandler all the dirty deets and we learn Nevaeh has two phone numbers. 

*Looks into the camera like Jim Halpert*

I look into the camera like Jim Halpert for the following reasons: 

1) He should know better. Midwesterners are smarter than folks from the rest of the country. Think about the mental fortitude it takes to endure a -30 degree winter. It takes some brains to do that and not die. As a midwesterner from the greatest state in the union (Illinnoying), I am ashamed. 

2) I have nothing for this point. I did, but it’s in an argument with someone about how it’s pop, not soda. Politely, of course. 

The google image search yields results. Nevaeh is really Audrey. She has 13,000 Instagram followers. As they look through her Facebook, a producer tells them how to insert their usernames into the URL to look at their friendship and see what they've posted to each other. They marvel as if this is a great hack. However, Facebook has a button called, “See Friendship.” This is a prime example of why no one, especially the kale eating, trendy exercise-doing west coast, can measure up to the great midwest. If you want kale in the midwest, you gotta farm it. But I digress. 

Alante and Nevaeh have 46 mutual friends, which is a lot for a fake profile. All their mutuals are in Saginaw. They send out the Catfish miranda rights to all 46 friends. 

They google the phone number, excuse me, ONE of the phone numbers and learn it belongs to a Latoya in Saginaw. They do their super cool cutting edge new hack and find she and Alante have 23 mutual friends. I don't think this means anything at all and has contributed nothing to this search but what do I know. I only went to one of Newsweek’s top high schools and one of Forbes’ top 50 colleges. Both in the midwest. 

One of their 46 new best friends messages them back, so they decide to come on too strong and give him a call. Royon tells Rachel and Monica he was recently flirting with Nevaeh on Facebook. 

Max then says something so white, it’s wearing a polo shirt on a golf course; “She’s hollering at guys in Saginaw.” 

The next morning, Nev tells Max he continued on with Nev’s Catfish, written, directed, produced, and hosted by Nev and nobody else. He spoke to two more fellas from Saginaw. They both said Nevaeh flirted with them on Facebook. I do not know if the intended purpose of sharing this information was to show the wide net cast by this catfish or to needlessly slut-shame her, but either way, they achieved their goal. 

They head over to Alante’s house. He’s hosting a barbecue. The guests of honor lucky enough to meet handsome, rational Max are Alante’s brother, Joe, and his godsister, Ericka. Ericka’s chest and shoulders are all tatted up and I think women who tattoo their chest are mad brave. She says she hopes Alante gets the closure he needs because eight years is quite a long time to string someone along. She is also positive Nevaeh is a girl. I love this juicy lil diddy, so keep it in mind as we continue on this adventure. 

Joe and I have almost the same pair of glasses, so I’m going to trust whatever he says. As he puts nearly a whole hot dog in his mouth, he tells Nev he hopes Nevaeh can cook. Maybe I won’t trust what he says because that’s really not our top concern right now. 

Ross and Chandler sit down to show Alante the deer they shot on their hunting trip. As they open Audrey’s (the real girl’s) blog, the recoil hits Alante right in the eye. Nev shows Alante his and Nevaeh’s mutual friends. He asks if he recognizes anyone. Wow, c’est incroyable, Alante recognizes his Facebook friends. Nev then takes a tone as if Alante was the one who asked such a stupid question. To kick him while he’s down, Nev tells Alante Nevaeh is flirting with other fellas on Facebook. 

They show him Latoya’s Facebook. He does not recognize her. MTV plays an angsty song about pain and love lost. 

Nev shoots the ole gal a very demanding text. Right as Alante falls apart emotionally, Joey and Monica decide to leave. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Cool glasses, huh? However, mine are gold all the way around. 

In the car, Nev gets a call from Seiairah, Nevaeh’s friend. She asks to meet them. The goons are concerned this is a trap. A trap for what. You’re two grown men with an MTV camera crew. What’s gonna happen to you. 

They meet Seiairah at what I can only assume is an abandoned gas station where teenagers smoke beer at night. Seiairah is good friends with both Nevaeh and Alante. She says there’s more to Nevaeh than they know and she wants her to come clean. She offers to call Nevaeh since Ross and Phoebe have been unable to get in touch with her. Sieairah does the job MTV is paying them a million dollars to do. Nevaeh will meet them at a park in an hour. 

They meet up with Alante and, shockingly, Nev breaks character and doesn’t storm into his house uninvited. Alante confirms he knows Sieairah and she has a big crush on him. Sieairah looked like she was 16, so naturally, Nev says something gross and disgusting. “A little young. She’s cute. Not sure what your hangup is on that.” 

*Looks into the camera like Jim Halpert* 

I look into the camera like Jim Halpert for the following reasons: 

1) I am disgusted. 

2) I am appalled. 

3) I am legend. 

Max does not touch this with a ten foot pole because he’s not a human dumpster fire. 

The squad arrives at the park. Nev’s gross comment is followed by something equally cringeworthy. Nevaeh is Ericka, Alante’s godsister. I don’t totally know what a godsister is, I barely know what god is, but if you were raised together and/or have “sister” in your title, should you really be in a romantic relationship.

Ericka says this was a lesson Alante needed to learn. Eight years ago, Serairah had a crush on Alante. To prove he was a dirty dog, Ericka made the Facebook page to show her he talks to other girls. She says she continued the page for so long at Sieairah’s direction and chose her side over Alante’s as some sort of womanly solidarity. Nev calls her on her bullshit.

Nev takes Alante on a man walk to discuss man topics as men. Alante maintains he never had any feelings for Sieairah and never led her to believe he did. Handsome, thoughtful Max stays with Ericka. She tells him she never came clean because she wanted to let him down gently. What’s more gentle than a national television audience and the court of public opinion! 

The next morning, Nev performs a classic Nev action and barges into the house without knocking as if he is claiming it under Taliban law. He calls Ericka to come over and “talk calmly.” Nev finds all women to be hysterical and incapable of controlling their emotions. 

Ericka has arrived and she knocked like a normal person who wasn’t raised in a barn on the Upper West Side. She says, “If you hurt me, I’m going to get you.” Yes! We’re finally getting somewhere. I wanna know the petty reason someone stuck with catfishing for eight years. 

Back when Bush was still president, Ericka began dating one of Alante’s friends. We learn he was a dog and Alante knew but didn't warn her. They dated on and off for seven years. At that point, it’s Ericka’s fault. Come on. This guy wasn't into Ericka and Alante knew but didn't tell her. 

Ericka gets honest and says she loved the attention she got from being Nevaeh. The two establish their friendship is over and Ericka leaves in tears. 

Three months later, Ericka and Alante are on the Skype together. His dad passed away and mourning brought the two back together. Ericka is expecting. Nev practices his best gotcha journalism when he asks who’s the father. He looks like a local Toledo reporter who once had New York City dreams. Nev was sure he was going to end the episode with an M. Night Shyamalan twist. Nice try, Nev.

Recommendation: 3/5 Would Recommend. I'm a fan of any episode in which we meet a middle (wo)man before we meet the catfish. Plus, this one had a good creep factor because of the godsibling aspect. However, their relationship was not high-drama enough to justify eight years. That's fucking insane. 

Final Thoughts: I apologize for the quantity of rants and advertisements promoting the midwest. However, I do NOT apologize for what I said. Midwest is best. Follow me on Twitter @MaeveMcDonough I was just told by my boss to clean it up, so you know it’s good.

[worstshowever]

Shawny & Jack

“Shawny & Jack”

Season 6 Episode 1

Airdate: March 1, 2017

More Appropriately Titled: Nev Owes Me A New Computer

Mama’s home. And she’s so sorry she left you.

I’m not really a mama. I’m more like a crazy vodka aunt you avoid at family functions and make bets on how long it’ll be before she says something that ruins the meal. Let me give you some insider info that’ll help you with that bet- we won't make it to the table before I ruin it. I’ll probably say something about the Jews. Either pro or con. Depends on the day.

This episode starts with dumb Nev talking about his dumb baby classes. He and Max then act out some of the labor exercises. It’s meant to be playful but it’s fucking weird. Eager to bring this to a screeching halt, Max says, “Let’s just get to the episode already.” This is why Max is the brains of the operation.

Shawny hits a homer with the email title, “I don't know what’s worse; being the catfish or being the sidepiece.” I can answer this for you, Sweet Shawny: NEITHER. Both are exploitive, upper-hand positions from which you can walk away with money and/or a senator’s credibility.

Shawy from Rochester, New York, met Jack after she got a call from a random number. She sent it to voicemail (To quote my mom when my dad leaves her a voicemail, “I’m not gonna listen to that. Who listens to voicemails?”), texted, “Do I know u?” and they ended up talking and falling in catfish love. She says what they all say: He makes me feel special, it’s like I’ve known him forever, woo wap da bam. All of our parents said that at some point and what do they do now? Fight for 45 minutes over passive aggressive comments made about the size of a glazed donut.

Shawny says Jack has been acting shady in recent weeks. Sacre bleu! A secret internet person acting shady????? What a world! She believes she is the sidepiece. She wants to get to the bottom of this ASAP as possible.

Before they give her a ring-a-ding-ding, Rory and Lorelei note Jack has dreads. I’m trying to remember if this was some type of foreshadowing, but I don’t believe it is. These two mooks are just noting hairstyles.

Shawny has to use her friend’s computer, and in the most judgmental tone, Nev says, “Do you normally not have, like, a computer?” Nev’s upper-west-side privilege makes this thought unfathomable. To go two for two, Shawny says she sells makeup and soaps. As unconvincingly as possible. Nev says. “I like…soap.” If it’s not L’Occitane, keep it 500 yards away from Nev’s delicate skin.

Shawny has three kids. Continuing the trend, Nev asks as unconfidently as possible, “What about your babyyy daddyyyy?” Nev is not used to saying “daddy” in this context.

She says she thought the phone call from Jack was a client calling, so she sent it to voicemail and decided to text back to see what questions they had about her products. Pretty unprofessional, even in modern day Millennial world. That might be something to note for your Buzzfeed listacle of strange Catfish behaviors. Millennials!

Jack also lives in Rochester because it wouldn’t be Catfish if any other scenario occurred. They only text. As of late, he’s only been texting her at night, leading her to believe she’s the other woman. Max makes a dumb joke, “You don't know jack.” This joke gave me heartburn but since it’s handsome, salt n peppery Max, I’ll let this one slide. Everybody gets one. Except for Nev.

Richard and Emily have arrived at Shawny’s. It takes three whole seconds before Nev pulls out the ebonics. Shawny and her husband separated in March, but that means nothing to us because we don’t know when this was filmed. She shares he cheated multiple times. Bummer, dude. She says she used to have a talking relationship with some old ass dude and it occurred to her he may be Jack. Having not said anything in 15 seconds, Nev is suffocating without attention. He pulls out his county playhouse theatre skills and imitates an old man saying, “I’m in love with you. I’m dirty.” After this “comedic” moment, I threw up all over my computer.

I’m back from the Apple store with a brand new, vomit free computer. Please tweet to Nev and let him know he owes me a computer. Shawny says “J” is everything her husband was not. Keep this juicy lil deet in mind for later. Either because MTV wants to hit an LGBT audience or because all dudes are pervs, Luke and Lorelei cross the “would you or would you not if Jack is a girl” line. She says she’ll date whoever she loves. Dumb. This whole moment should’ve been cut.

The dreaded moment has come where the phone is handed off to Nev. This is a dreaded moment for me, not Shawny. I hate watching Nev use this moment to beg for attention like a dog begs for scraps. He judges her phone for not being a smartphone, judges her lack of emojis, busts out his borderline racist ebonics, and then embarrasses her by reading the most flirtatious messages that are borderline sexts.

The next day, Rory and Jess head to a coffeeshop that looks like an abandoned warehouse that was condemned after someone died at a rave. Nev moves around the coffeeshop decorations to use as props for his “jokes.” He watched a Carrot Top comedy special the previous night and was truly inspired.

The photos of Jack yield no results. The phone number brings up an address. They google it and it belongs to a nurse named Angel. They search her on Facebook. From the very first photo, it’s very clear she’s gay. I don’t give a h*ck if that's not PC. Being politically correct is gay and retarded. Once they hit the photo of her in front of the pride flag, kind, sweet Max, never one to piss anyone off, says, “It seems like she might be gay.” UH DUH.

Super smart, super handsome Max tells his doofus partner he believes they are being duped and Shawny knows who she’s talking to. Citing the reason that she was so open to being with a woman, he knows she knows. But they don’t know we know they know we know.

Back at Shawny’s, Max wastes no time and lays it on thicc. He gives her the opportunity to come clean if that is the case. She maintains she doesn't know with whom she’s speaking. She says coming on TV will be embarrassing and she’ll be pissed if she’s not having the relationship she thinks she’s having. I love statements like this because either someone flips a table or someone eats their words. No matter what, it’ll be good.

Rory and Dean show Shawny their gettings. The gettings are not good. However, she says her husband used to work at a hospital with a woman named Angel. She backtracks on her comment that she’d be with whoever was on the other end of the line. I would like to submit this into evidence for my future speech at the next Republican National Convention titled, “It’s A Choice, You Say? Choose This!” and then I do some sweet karate moves. I become the most feared woman on Earth. My word becomes law. I gain Lady Gaga-like respect from the gay community. However, I show no excitement. Poker face.

Nev suggests Jack is her husband. She confidently says it can’t be her husband because he’s too busy committing a dog’s act with another woman.

They text Jack. He answers and says he wants to meet her but he’s afraid to tell her he’s divorced. Nev tells him she’s afraid she’s his sidechick. I’m very unhappy with Nev for saying this dumb term in an attempt to pump up his chest and bro-out with a stranger. But Maeve, you’re always unhappy with Nev. Yeah, I know. I’m more unhappy than usual. And I’m usually very unhappy, so even I cannot gauge where I am right now!! Jack assures him there’s no other woman. They agree to meet at a park.

Shawny’s mad Jack didn’t tell her he’s divorced. However, I think she has no leg to stand on because immediately after, she tells Rory and Logan she used someone else’s pictures. When they tell her she lied and catfished him, she tries to play dumb, “Did I?” Flip yeah you did, girlfriend. Don’t even try this shit.

At the park, Nev needs more attention. He says, “He could be hiding behind any one of these trees.” Nev seems to believe they are looking for the Central Park rapist. Having not received enough attention, he starts calling out to various animals, “Jack, is that you?” He calls out to the sky, “What are you waiting for?” His one man show, Don’t Call Me Modest, debuts in a church basement rec room one week from today. Be there or be respecting of yourself.

Jack rolls up on a bike. It is the guy from the pictures. We quickly learn Jack is her ex-husband. Shawny is the catfish. Of course handsome, observant Max figured it out.

Shawny is not Shawny. Shawny is Ebony. She lied about her name to conceal her identity. Jack is not Jack. Jack is Brandon. Ebony claimed she was a music producer or some dumb shit they all say to duck meeting him. She tries to blame it all on Brandon, claiming he was the primary catfish after he said his name was Jack. This isn't even a worthwhile route to take.

She says she catfished him as a way to get their family back together. Nev starts his next monologue with, “It’s not my business” but what he should’ve said was nothing. He reminds us that Brandon is a big cheater. This was pretty much all we got out of Nev’s marriage counseling. Brandon is open to getting back together, as long as he can fuck around.  

Lorelei and Chris split up the dynamic duo. Nev tries to get some man-respect and speak man to man about man stuff. Brandon tells him he doesn't know where he stands. Ebony tells Max she can’t let Brandon go.

In the car, Max scolds Ebony for lying. It is reminiscent of when your mom scolded your for lying about how many cookies you ate. He then tells Ebony to b-b-b-bounce on this cheating loser and have some self respect. #Real #Talk

The next day, Nev barges right into Ebony’s home uninvited. Max comments on this bizarre behavior, most likely because he was raised with manners. Brandon pops on over. Ebony tells him she has no anger towards him and by catfishing him, she thought she’d fix their family. That’s in my top 5 favorite reasons to catfish. She apologizes and Brandon accepts. She says they should’ve had this conversation earlier. Wow, hindsight really is 20/20.

Six months later, they’re best buddies and ONLY best buddies. Brandon is more involved with the kids and they all spend more time together as a family.

Recommendation: 2/5 Would Recommend. This was a boring ass story. Even though we were duped by an unreliable narrator, it wasn’t interesting. We didn’t even get an explosive fight! The only explosive thing here was my projectile vomiting whenever Nev dabbled in “comedy.”  

Final Thoughts: I will be starting a WhiteHouse.gov petition to replace Nev. I already have 200,000,000 pledged backers. Can you imagine me laying it down on these dumbos? Probably not, because you don’t know what I look like. I’m merely a shadow into the night.

[worstshowever]

Leuh and Justin

Season 5 Episode 3

Original Airdate: March 9, 2016

More Appropriately Titled: Unfortunately, Nothing Bad Happens and Everyone is Fine.

This is a particularly special episode of Catfish to me because it’s quite similar to my own story with my boyfriend. However, in my story, I am the Justin and he is the Leuh. He chased and chased and chased until I decided I was done hoeing. Eventually, you can’t run anymore. I’m not Usain Bolt. I’d like to thank Tinder for making all this possible.

This episode began with an opening gag so humiliating, I am going to pretend it didn’t happen. In case you missed it- they beat each other up and meowed like cats.

Let’s get it poppin’.

Leuh, pronounced by Kimmy and Titus with a heavy emphasis on the “uh,” is a 19-year-old from Rochester, New York, who has got it bad for Justin from Huntington Beach. California. She says what they all say; she’s falling for him and he’s unlike any other guy she’s met. Yeah, that’ll change. Our parents felt that way at some point and now what? They fight for three days over bundt cake.

Here’s where we learn Leuh has bad judgement; she is picking her four-year college to be near this internet stranger.

One year into their online loving, Leuh flew to California to look at colleges in his hometown. They planned to meet at a restaurant and surprise! He didn’t show or answer any texts. Leuh apparently forgave him overnight, even when he canceled on her a second time. She’s still dying to meet him. Dumb. Everyone is stupid but me. I am the smartest person alive.

Max describes her as, “sweet” with an emphasis on the “s,” which is code for naive.

They roll up to Rochester and Nev says, “Look at this neighborhood! How charming! Love it here.” Nev is a fish out of water if he’s not in the Upper West Side. He has no idea how to react to any place that doesn’t have a doorman or a bagel shop on the corner.

They hoof it into Leuh’s house and Nev immediately harasses her about life choices. Leuh has several tattoos and plans to get a full sleeve. Nev asks if that has anything to do with the fact that Justin has a lot of tattoos. She says she got tattoos, “to be, like, his type.” In unison, Cyndee and Gretchen, every production person in the room, and every home viewer slammed their head against the wall.

The two lovebirds met when Justin randomly commented how hot Leuh was on one of her Instagram posts; a gesture she, for whatever reason, did not find creepy or objectifying. She DM’d him her number and they began texting and calling.

Leuh says they’ve never added each other on Twitter, SnapChat, or Facebook and she’s never even bothered to look for his page. BULLSHIT she hasn’t even looked. I’ve looked at my best friend’s cousin’s friend’s little brother’s old babysitter on Facebook. Here’s another point in the episode that is an excellent tie back to my own Justin/Leuh relationship; within the first few minutes of talking to my boyfriend, we realized we had a Facebook friend in common. You bet your sweet ass I hoofed it on over to that friend’s Facebook, realized he unfriended me and saw it as a blessing because he wears vests over white t-shirts, typed in my boyfriend’s first name, and went through all the resulting profiles till I found him. Many may call it stalking, few may realize it’s Catfish repellent. 

Leuh recalls Justin has a best friend Todd. That’s all that’s mentioned about that so I’m sure we’ll hear about it later.

The gang sits down to look at Justin’s Instagram. Sike! He blocked her!! Leuh is unsure why so Xanthippe and Buckley do what they do best and wildly speculate every possible outcome. They land on nothing worth mentioning.

On their way out, they say, “We’re on the case” because they apparently think they’re on the same level as Benson and Stabler. I scoff at this idea. They most certainly are not.

Kimmy and Jacqueline sit down at a coffee shop and mooch free wifi to stalk a young man. They run his phone number and find an address. They make a point to show Max writing it down so I hope we see an ambush later.

They look at his Instagram and he has 1600 followers; they call this a “normal amount.” Bitch, be quiet. I have nowhere near 1600 followers and I’m hot and popular. But I’m also a ride or die for Twitter so maybe 1600 followers is the price you pay for brand loyalty.

His account his private so they do some sneaky shit and search his name to see his tagged photos. We see a hawt pic of him with his ole buddy Todd. They search him on Facebook and he pops up right away. They both comment how it was odd she didn’t find or search him. UH, YEAH! IT’S ODD! He has checked out completely; so far, he is who we believe him to be.

Ruh-roh! They find a post from a girl named Jamie to which Justin replied with a smiley face. This is classified as flirting and now they think he’s a dirtbag. Jamie is in Tennessee or Kentucky or Mississippi. I don’t know. I missed it. But it’s a state where they don’t teach science in public schools. They theorize he is a “serial internet man-slut” who has hoes in different area codes

They send out the catfish call to Jamie and Todd.

The next morning, they get a ring-a-ding-ding from Todd. He’s very polite and sounds like a total surfer brah. Todd has never heard of Leuh. Total wipe out. Shaka brah, dude.

They got a message from Jamie almost immediately after their call with Todd. C’est incroyable! On the phone, she says they met on Instagram. She loves him and is under the impression if she moved to him, they would be in a relationship. She says she is “jelly” and hangs up brokenhearted.

Lilian and Titus hoof it on over to Leuh’s. Her best friend and mother express their concern. Her mother says she’ll support their relationship if he is who he says he is. Oy vey my mom would embargo me from the state of Califormia if I tried to go meet an internet stranger who refused to prove his existence to me.

The gang sits down to look at their findings. Leuh once again lies to our faces and says she’s never seen or attempted to look for Justin’s Facebook. Nev breaks this young woman’s heart by telling her when they spoke to Todd, he said he’d never heard of Leuh. He decides to kick her while she’s down and tell her about Jamie and the smiley face heard ‘round the world. Apparently, smiley faces are the end all be all of flirting. I did not realize this and now I have some explaining to do to friends, family, Phi Delta Theta fraternity, old employers, and a nearby Greek Orthodox church. Leuh says she feels stupid and wonders if Justin sends both girls the same messages. MTV gives us a deliciously dramatic treat and posts his posts to Jamie over Leuh’s head as she’s on the verge of tears.

Nev gets Justin on the horn and gives him the ole Catfish Miranda Rights. Justin denies the offer to meet Leuh. He refuses to be on the show and says he’ll meet her on his own time. DICK!

They tell Leuh the news and she says she wants to standup for herself and ambush Justin. Yeah! Girl power. Get it sister. Humiliate him on camera.

The gang rolls up to Justin’s house. It’s the biggest one on the block. Lock it down, girl. Nev asks Leuh what she plans to say if Justin is home. She wants to thank him for finally meeting her. UHHH I don’t think so. I am an aggressive and confrontational person, so I cannot relate to Leuh’s feelings right now. Nev tells her “don’t go there, girlfriend. You don’t owe him anything.”

Nev is greeted by Justin’s father, who wants to meet Leuh. Max gets Leuh unnecessarily worked up by saying, “It could be Justin.”

Justin’s dad, Joe, is shocked they’ve been talking for years and he’s never heard of her. That was the whole thing. I shouldn’t have mentioned it.

The next day, Leuh is still unable to get ahold of Justin. Max reminds her this is a cowardly quality and even if they end up getting together, she shouldn’t forget this happened. This is a very important thing for Leuh to remember but I’m sure she’ll throw that out the window when she meets him.

They call his ole buddy Todd and he tells them exactly where they can find Justin. Snitches get stitches.

Sniper on the beach. They literally surround Justin. He says he didn’t want to be on the show because no one on Catfish looks good. Uh, Justin, you look a whole lot worse sending this young woman on a wild goose chase. He admits the first time he blew off Leuh, he had a girlfriend. The second time, he actually had car trouble and couldn’t make it. Leuh tells him this was his last chance.

Max hits with the hard questions. FINALLY. This is what I tune in to see. What’s the dealio with Jamie? Justin says he does not know why Jamie thinks their relationship is romantic. He also says no one knows about Leuh because he didn’t want to be judged for an online relationship. He then gets snotty saying he doesn’t owe anyone an explanation. Max says what we’re all thinking and calls Leuh a pushover. He’s afraid she’s gonna fall for his crap when he hasn’t even told Leuh how he feels.

Justin asks Leuh for some time alone. As they walk away, he makes a joke about getting married. Leuh is a sucker for this dude. Max is ranting and raving about Justin. He cannot jive with this guy and I don’t blame him. He is the only one looking out for Leuh’s best interest.

Justin turns it on Leuh, saying he didn’t know if she was real. He snuggles up to Leuh. Put a fork in her. She’s done.

Titus and Mikey split up the pair and play good cop bad cop. Nev tells Justin if you’re gonna dump her, do it now. Don’t be a dick. Max tells Leuh Justin has to make it up to her, not the other way around. She asks Max if he thinks she’s being naive. He answers, “I don’t know.” That is a very transparent yes.  

Leuh and Justin walk off into the sunset. Justin proclaims he “won.” Nice guy.

Two months later, Leuh is just about to move to Huntington Beach. Justin has not yet asked her to be his girlfriend. Justin is very jazzed Leuh is coming out. He promises Kimmy and Dong will be invited to the wedding. Godspeed.

Recommendation: 3/5 Would Recommend

Everyone was who they said they were. Everything worked out. I would’ve given this a higher rating if there were more tears and some serious heartbreak. I’m here to gawk at people’s problems, not empathize with their joy. Barf. I love when Max comes down hard on these dudes and we got a lot of that in this episode. Why does everyone meet on Instagram? I barely wanna look at my Instagram, let alone anyone else’s.

Final Thoughts:

Here’s a note to the Justins of the world-the Leuhs will eventually catch up to you. You just gotta accept it. Take it from me, a Justin.

[worstshowever]

Falesha and Jaqueline

Follow me on Twitter @MaeveMcDonough

[worstshowever]

Chainsaw- Scream Queens

Follow me on Twitter @MaeveMcDonough

[worstshowever]

Scream Queens Pilot

[imninm-deactivated20160505]

remember that catfish episode where she catfished her cousin bc he called her a fat ass kelly price 3 years ago

[thotbrey]

[jakeyllenhaal]

[worstshowever]

every episode of catfish

nev on the phone with a catfish: it's time you guys met

catfish: no

nev: come on just do it

catfish: yeah okay ill see you tomorrow

[worstshowever]

New Recaps!

Hey gang! Are there any shows you guys would like to see recapped in the Catfish down season? Please let me know!

[worstshowever]

Hundra and Emily

Hundra and Emily

Season 4 Episode 17

Original Airdate: August 19, 2015

More Appropriately Titled: Shut Up. “Hey Get Down Here You Gotta Watch This!”

I could give you a lot of excuses why I haven’t posted on here in so long: catfishing dudes on Tinder, trapped in an oil painting, following One Direction across the country, collecting novelty “I like it on top” items from Pike’s Peak, etc. 

But I have much more definite reasons for coming back: 

This exciting pump up jam from Tumblr user haveahappysalloween who’s already in the holiday spirit

And this slightly more aggressive tweet from this untraceable twitter user who follows no one and has only tweeted this tweet:

I don’t wanna say it frightened me, but I’ll finally get blogging again before this turns into an “I don’t know who you are, I don’t know what you want but I have a particular set of skills” situation. I don’t wanna get Taken. Especially over this blog. I haven’t even seen Taken; my mom said I’m not allowed. 

So, with all that in mind, let’s get it poppin’. 

Max is gone. I’m assuming he’s promoting his movie We Are Your Friends, which was the 3rd worst box office premiere of all time. Sassy, sassy Max doesn’t deserve that. But I’m glad it happened to Zac Efron. He’s just the worst and I wanna see him get knocked down a peg, at least temporarily. 

Nev lets us know Machine Gun Kelly will help guide us through this journey. When he first said that, I was surprised because he seems like such an odd choice for this show. Even for MTV, actually. He’s pretty cute and though I couldn’t name one song by him, I know he’s a pretty explicit rapper and MTV can only hit the bleep button so many times. 

Then, like searching through the Bible for answers, it all makes sense. Nepotism! Nev mentions MGK is currently acting in one of his brother’s movies. I’m sure it’ll be a real box office hit like all the rest of his unreleased films. 

Nev plugs his brother’s movies Slurp and Torque (these names are as I wanted to hear them; they may not be correct). Nev plugs Max’s next movie Flop (ooh, burn). Then I unplug the TV. I’m already tired of Nev’s hairy-bodied nonsense. 

The subject line is, “This is so much more than finding out the truth.” Keep this in mind because once we hit the resolution, this will be a fun Easter-Egg MTV left for us. 21-year-old Hundra from Philly has been talking to Emily from New York for 9 months. Hundra writes that she is more special than every other gay person on Earth. She is Haitian, and homosexuality is not tolerated in their culture. She is risking everything to expose herself on TV just to meet Emily. 

*Looks into the camera like Jim Halpert*

I looked into the camera like Jim Halpert for the following reasons:

1) Being gay is not easy for every single person except Hundra. I don’t like that implication. Also, I understand every culture is different but it’s 2015. Anyone still getting worked up over gay people needs to get over themselves and get back to muddin’ or huntin’ or fishin’. There are much more upsetting things, like the Kardashians still being famous.

2) She really is exposing herself, but she’s not the only one. We’ve seen some real shit go down on this show. The greatest humiliations of peoples’ lives. And then I logged onto this website and mocked them so it just didn’t stop for them. 

3) I have a Nerf gun hanging above my bed and I accidentally knocked it and it fell off and knocked my iPod phone off the dock and now I gotta pick up all those things. 

MGK has already expressed his disdain for Emily. And we’re off!

They get Hundra on the horn and she expresses her nerves about having feelings for Emily and talking about it on TV, but says Emily is worth meeting. 

I’m not gonna name names, but “conversate” has been said at least twice so far. 

Hundra drops a bomb on us and says she met Emily when she was, “gay for a day.” Contrary to what my mother believes, I’m not gay. But I do know you should absolutely not be saying “gay for a day.” Hopefully, MTV will bring this back around (wink wink).

Hundra also says if Emily is not the girl in the pictures, she won’t be attracted to her. Hundra is very unlikeable at this point.  

The squad has agreed to come meet Hundra. 

Once they hang up, MGK makes an astute observation that has led me to believe he is a psychic. He mentions this “gay for a day” nonsense and says Hundra is clearly not comfortable with her sexuality and they’re headed on a ride full of ups and downs they will not be able to predict. Boy, he has no idea!! Maybe he does. I lowkey think he’s a psychic. 

The crew shows up at Hundra’s. She mentions again that she’s about to go on national television and expose herself. Alright already. 

Hundra says Emily has texted her from 5 different numbers over the course of 9 months and her most recent number has a Philly area code. Woof. She has only sent her 3 photos. Flag on the play. And Hundra sent her a money order to an address in Brooklyn. However, the money was never picked up. Ding dong. Who’s at the door? Lies, deceit, and heartbreak.  

MGK has a very expressive face which really adds a lot to this episode. You could mute it and still know what’s going on. 

They look at the photos of Emily. Nev basically says she’s cute but not model cute so it makes sense Hundra could land her.  

Jim and Pam head off to crack the case. 

At this point, MTV aired a commercial for a show called One Bad Decision. I should submit my suspended-for-a-semester brother. If they had a show called Slew of Bad Decisions That Ruined the Family, I could submit my father. 

Michael and Dwight google the number. It’s connected to a 21-year-old lesbian named Geralyn. Nice ‘n’ Easy investigation. While they look through her Facebook photos, Nev and MGK stare a little too long at a photo of Geralyn making out with a girl named Melanie. When they lean in to “get a closer look,” MGK realizes it’s a photo of Geralyn and Emily! Wow, Nev, you girl puncher MTV pays you a million dollars to find people on Facebook and it takes a guest host to do the job right. 

They go to Melanie’s page and learn she is the girl Hundra thinks she’s talking to. The question is raised why Geralyn is using photos of her girlfriend to catfish someone. That’s kinda the running theme of every episode but okay let’s go with it. 

Oscar and Angela head back to Hundra’s. They break down all the info they’ve found and tell her Melanie and Geralyn are dating. MTV plays very sad music while Hundra runs off to the bathroom to cry. Waaaahh boohoo. 

Hundra once again proves herself to be horrible and unlikeable when Nev asks what she thinks of Geralyn. She says, “I don’t like that. I’m not attracted to girls who look like men.” Yowzah. MGK and I had the exact same reaction at the exact same time. Maybe we are soulmates. That’d be great because he is very cute and likable. His eyes widened and he jerked back in his seat, seemingly shocked by horrible Hundra’s horrible comment. 

Creed and Meredith decide to send Melanie a message. The message is sent to her from Nev and only Nev from Nev’s MTV show called Nev’s Catfish by Nev. 

As Andy and Erin are driving away, Melanie gives them a ring-a-ding-ding. MGK screams, “Dude! Dude! Dude! It’s her!” The last time you yelled at a ringing phone like that was in the 7th grade when you got a text from your crush and you needed all your gal pals around you so you could all look at it together. 

Melanie agrees to meet them the following day.

They call Hundra and tell her the word. 

In the duration of all these phone calls, it was pouring rain, then the sun was shining bright by the end. How symbolic. Very beautiful. How much do you think MTV paid God and/or the Weather Channel to work that out. 

The next day, da cru is at a coffee shop. Melanie and Hundra meet. Everyone’s surprisingly nonchalant about this. They ask Melanie about Geralyn. She says she’s her exgirlfriend and she broke up with Geralyn because she (Melanie) was still in love with her exgirlfriend. 

Nev asks Melanie to call Geralyn. It’s similar to a middle school three-way call attack. Geralyn answers. Melanie says she’s with Catfish and asks if she knows Hundra. Geralyn starts laughing and says she won’t talk over the phone, only in person. 

Hundra can part pretty easily from a girl she thought she was in love with.

On the way to Geralyn’s, Nev notes that they never know what people will say when they come out of the house. Hmm, odd. He’s never mentioned this before. Maybe Nev is scared of lesbians.

Nev goes to knock on the door. MGK, being an excellent co-host and genuine person, asks Hundra how she’s feeling and shares he’s nervous for what’s about to happen. He’s also wearing a cute LBD (I def own the same dress) over jeans-- a look that was popular when I was in middle school. Fashion is cyclical. Also worth noting, he looks about 9 feet tall. Mama like. 

Geralyn graces us all with her presence. Hundra whispers to MGK that she’s definitely not her physical type which is a pretty shallow common to make at a time when you’re meeting someone who toyed with your heart for nine months. 

Geralyn apologizes and explains it was a game at first; she set out to make Melanie mad. 

Horrible Hundra then says something so hideous, it shocks everyone standing there and MTV takes the time to show everyone’s reaction. Hundra accuses Geralyn, saying it was her goal as a lesbian to turn or convert a straight Haitian girl because it was something she wanted under her belt. 

Let’s hit the instant replay Madden style real quick. It’s common knowledge lesbians have the gift of voodoo magic, but they are not known for using it for evil or to try and convert straight girls. Another part of the play we should circle and drawn some X’s around is that Horrible Hundra is not a straight girl. She is a lesbian. That is very clear. This is a simple case of one lesbian pursuing another and not conversion into a different religion or however Hundra is tryna play this. 

Nev says she’s making an assumption and both MGK and Geralyn agree. Then hideous Hundra goes on to say she thought she was meeting Emily but ended up, “meeting this.” MGK, Geralyn, and Nev once again all have such a strong reaction, MTV shows us all their dropping jaws and then a few of the neighbors and the kids riding bikes a few blocks over. 

Geralyn tells Hundra she didn’t start with good intentions but ended up having strong feelings for her. Hundra asks about the money she sent. Geralyn says she never picked it up, she just wanted to know if Hundra was “really riding” for her or not. 

As MGK, heinous Hundra, and Nev get in the car to leave, heinous Hundra says, “Fucking awesome. I went looking for a lipstick and I got a fucking butch dike.” Wow. This comment is so horrifying to Nev and MGK, they don’t even get in the car. MGK tells her she is being ignorant and the worst person in the world but Hundra does not care and once again refers to Geralyn as a “that.” 

The next day, Geralyn texts Nev asking to meet him and MGK without Hundra. 

They get to her house and she drops THE BOMB; she doesn’t know Hundra. They’ve only been talking for a month and not nine months like we previously thought. Hundra contacted the show and asked Geralyn and Melanie to go along with it for her. MGK’s eyes pop out of his head and one of the crew members has to catch them as they’re rolling around the floor. 

Geralyn and Melanie are for real exgirlfriends and Hundra contacted Melanie. Geralyn went along with it because she loves Melanie and she’s “riding” for her. Geralyn came clean because she doesn’t want to be portrayed as if she’s trying to turn out straight girls. 

MGK starts yelling about how he could be with his daughter on Father’s Day. You’re trying to transition into a film and television career, this isn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. 

MGK calls Hundra a piece of shit, says he’s about to go crazy on her, storms out of the house and onto the street where he makes a phone call hooting and hollering about how it was all fake. MGK is my type of dude. 

The producer tells Nev to ask Melanie and Hundra to come to Geralyn’s.

Geralyn says she’s going to “ride” for Melanie as long as she needs her. I haven’t heard anyone use the term “riding” so much since Tupac was alive.

Melanie and Hundra show up at the same time. Melanie starts yelling at Geralyn about stealing her photos. Geralyn is standing with her arms crossed and a look on her face that very clearly reads, “The jig is up.” Melanie does not pick up on this. 

Geralyn shares the good word that Jim and Dwight know. Melanie’s eyes are screaming. I’m assuming it was on the inside. 

MGK calls on Hundra to tell them what happened. She says, “It was still something that needed to be done. Like, as far as me coming out.” Nev says BFD bitch why do you wanna be on TV. Hundra says she needs the world to know she’s gay. Nev asks why does the world need to know you’re gay. There’s like a billion gays out there. Hundra once again reminds them that everyone should know. Okay okay okay we get it you’re the most important gay person in the world alright already enough I’m sending you an invoice for wasting my time blah blah blah.

Nev and MGK point out to her that she looks horrible for lying and for saying phrases like “gay for a day.” Amazing. MTV always comes full circle. Hundra says she can say whatever she wants about the gays because she’s been in “their world” for a while now.  Not “our world” mind you; “their.”

Hundra runs away like a big baby. MGK follows her down the street yelling at her, calling her “corny” and “a coward.” I too have chased people down the street yelling names at them. I feel MGK on a spiritual level right now. 

Nev confronts Melanie asking why she’d make Geralyn look so horrible on TV. The “turning out straight girls” comment seemed to shock Melanie, too. Melanie apologizes and they all part ways.    

Later, Hundra meets Nev. She makes Nev come find her. After some “Marco!” “Polo!” Nev finds her hiding in her car. Hundra starts yelling that she won’t apologize because she wanted her coming out to be memorable. Nev tells her no one will care about her coming out, they’ll only care that she lied on TV and said a bunch of homophobic slurs. For whatever reason, Nev shakes her hand and she leaves. 

Two months later, Geralyn and Melanie haven’t spoken to Hundra. They said Hundra framed it as though she needed help and that it was less about the show. 

Hundra says she doesn’t regret what she did and tells MGK he’s about to be on TV because of what she did. BITCH!

Recommendation: 5/5 Would Recommend

This episode was full of twists and turns and PSYCHOS. Everything we love in a good episode of Catfish. When it was revealed that it was all fake, my mom started yelling, “Go! Go get your machine and” then she made a typing gesture. She didn’t finish the sentence with words. 

 Final Thoughts:

MGK was fab. I love any man who’s 8 feet tall and has comical anger. Hundra is just a hideous bitch like who cares about you get outta town bye. 

I had a physical reaction to most, if not all, of Hundra’s comments. She was easily the worst person that’s ever been on this show.

I’m also genuinely surprised Catfish hasn’t been catfished sooner. I’m also surprised MTV aired this. They look like fools. 

My favorite movie is The Shawshank Redemption. Did any of you know that? No. You only bully me into making jokes for you. 

Follow me on Twitter @MaeveMcDonough

[worstshowever]

Season 4

I got super caught up in catfishing dudes on tinder, but at least my interests are consistent! I will have Hundra & Emily up by Friday and I’ll do the rest of the season soon after. 

[pennylessproud]

“Hi, this is Nev and I’m from a show called Catf-”

[worstshowever]

Season 4

I'm behind, but I will be back next week! There will be comedic reviews and that's a promise! I saw Falesha & Jacqueline today and it reminded me this show is a staple of American pop culture, of which I am neglecting, and for that I apologize.

[worstshowever]

Blaire and Markie

Blaire and Markie 

Season 4 Episode 10

Original Airdate: April 29, 2015

More Appropriately Titled: Kidnapping Heard ‘Round the World

This episode doesn’t even bother to open with a dumb gag; these goons aren’t pretending they’ve got one lone email or popping out and scaring each other. This either means this episode is jam packed with drama or MTV has gotten my many letters of complaint.   

I spoke too soon. Their email is from “Superman” because Superman has taken time off to get catfished and left America in the capable hands of our nation’s police officers. Look how that worked out. Rachel and Finn argue about the difference between Clark Kent and Superman. They did their dumb gag once they opened the email. We were duped. 

The email subject is “Catfished or Kidnapped.” Mama like. This is that weird shit I tune in to see. Blaire from San Antonio, Texas, met Markie from Fresno, California, on Instagram. Why is everyone meeting people on Instagram these days. Why are you reaching out to people you don’t know. It’s like everything we were taught about stranger danger never happened. I take stranger danger seriously. I won’t talk to you unless I see a valid passport, birth certificate, paycheck stub (that’s just for perusing the fellas), and hear your thoughts on 9/11 conspiracy theories.  

They were never able to video chat because of trouble on Markie’s end. They finally agreed to meet but a week before they were supposed to meet, Markie was kidnapped. A week later, Markie called Blaire from a mental hospital and told her they should just be friends. I’ve never gone to such extremes to get out of a date, but I could come up with a list of people for whom I would consider this option. 

As Nev reads the email, Max has a look on his face like he’s trying to tell the whole world this is the type of shit only white girls pull. 

Nev takes the words right out of my mouth when he says, “Can we just talk about this?” They chitchat about how there’s no believability to this story in any capacity or any dimension in any world. 

Since Blaire and Markie had parted ways, Blaire met a new girl and started dating her. Once they went FBO, Markie saw and had an aneurysm. She told Blaire to call her. She yelled at her, telling her she couldn’t date anyone else, but she also said she wasn’t going to date her. Classic chicks, can I get a hell yeah? A little louder in the back now. 

They get Blaire on the horn. She’s currently living with her best friend, Karen, and her nephew. When they met, Markie motivated Blaire to get a job and an apartment. She made enough money to buy Markie a ticket to meet her in New York. 

Uh oh, whoopsie daisy, not so fast. Markie gets kidnapped. Several days later she called Blaire from a hospital telling her she still has feelings for her ex and she wants to remain friends. Boy, wouldn’t it really sting knowing someone wanted to get out of a relationship so bad, they put their family through such terrible heartache and sadness. If I were just a bit more of an asshole, I would save this one for a rainy day. 

Nev sticks his nose where it doesn’t belong in theory but in actuality he’s correct in doing so and tells Blaire Markie is not someone she should be dating. Blaire concurs but tells him after all these shenanigans, she wants to know who she is. 

Max says, “Back to Texas,” in a mildly exhaustive tone. I said the same thing every time I had to go to Texas. 

Blaire tells Brittany and Santana how she tried to kill herself several times and, by some sort of out of this world miracle, Markie called her every single time right before she acted. Either Markie and Blaire were connected through some bizarre power of the universe or Markie was always following Blaire 20 feet behind. I think they should explore that idea more. 

The gang looks at Markie’s profile. She has 2011 friends. Unless they’re a club promoter, anyone who knows 2011 people is not someone you should be hanging around with. You also shouldn’t be hanging out with any club promoters. This is one of the biggest red flags we’ve seen on this show but the profile is a legitimate one. Being a sophisticated Upper West Side Jew, Nev is unfamiliar with such a low-brow name like “Markie.” He pronounces it, “Marquis,” as in the noble ranking below a duke. Nev will change things about you he doesn’t like. 

Kurt and Blaine sit down to stalk a young girl who just got out of a mental hospital. They go to her profile and look back to July, the month she was kidnapped. There were hella posts regarding Markie’s kidnapping. She was gone from the 4th to the 7th. On the 11th, a day she was allegedly in a mental hospital, she changed her profile picture. Wild guess--she either wasn’t kidnapped or mental hospitals are really with the zeitgeist. 

Someone posted on Markie’s wall, “I guess this thread is for telling lies.” Max yells “lies” as if he just cracked the case of the century; he found Jimmy Hoffa, he found the Zodiac Killer, he knows who killed the Black Dahlia. Hoffa is buried under the Giants stadium, by the way. I consider myself a fine conspiracy theorist. I know what I’m talking about. 

They find a guy named Christopher commenting on Markie’s posts, so they send him a message. In the meantime, they find Markie was previously dating a guy named Alex. This shocks Puck and Quinn to their core, so they also send him a message. 

They go to Markie’s Instagram and find some bizarre shots. Nev seems very upset by these photos; he’s going to have to contact his Rabbi after this. They also find the most hilarious caption I’ve seen in years. “I’m a terrifying person. I’m not normal. The numerous things I could tell you I’ve done are very scary and I like it. #scary #terrifying #crazy #troubled.” Nev basically says I don't know what the fuck that was, man. I’ll tell you, Nev. She sounds a lot like a 14-year-old on Facebook who just discovered Crystal Castles and is still into emo culture. 

Nev says, “We could be dealing with a very troubled individual.” Wow, Nev. What was your first clue?

The phone rings and Mercedes and Sam freak out. It’s Alex calling. They’ve been swept up into the 14-year-old girl mindset. “Should I answer?” “Yes!” “Shhh! Shhh! He’ll know you’re here! Be cool!”

Alex describes Markie as a compulsive liar and says he’s confident she’d lie about being kidnapped. 

Christopher calls them back the next morning. He’s Markie’s classmate. He tells them Markie hasn’t been in class in a while because she got into a fight at school and she had a switchblade knife in her backpack. Ahh, to be young again. Christopher says Markie told everyone that she wasn’t kidnapped, she just ran away for a day. He also says she currently has a girlfriend and they Skype constantly. She’s skyping the bae. Looks like that word is here to stay, isn’t it.

Mike and Tina sit down with Blaire and her friend, Karen. They also met on Instagram. Stop meeting people on Instagram; go talk to your neighbor. Karen bounces almost immediately. I shouldn’t have even mentioned it. 

They tell her what Alex and Christopher told them. The only upsetting piece of information was Markie’s girlfriend. Personally, that would be the least upsetting piece of information to me but everybody’s different. 

Nev goes outside and gives Markie a ring-a-ding-ding. She seems shocked he’s calling but I know for a FACT MTV makes everyone sign an appearance waiver before they start filming. Your learning annex acting class doesn’t have me fooled, Markie. After some coercion, she agreed to meet.

The next day in California, Puck and Quinn call Markie. It goes to voicemail and her outgoing message is one truly of a Millennial. She tells them to text her and not to leave a voicemail because she won’t listen to it. Punk 16-year-olds these days. 

They hoof it on down to Blaire’s room and have her call Markie. It goes straight to voicemail. The Max I know and love comes out hooting and hollering about how Markie is being annoying and a brat ignoring their calls when she knows they’re there to see her. Nev reminds them they have her address, they should just do a stakeout. Everyone seems to find this idea fun, which makes me think they’re all lunatics. 

This is the part that made me want to smash my iPhone, run into the woods and never look back. To find Markie’s exact address, they go to her Instagram, find a photo of her at her home, and pull the address off the geotag. If you say you didn’t go look at your Instagram and check the geotags, you’re lying. The government is always watching us. Nothing is sacred. 

They pull up outside Markie’s. Max says, “She’s probably more freaked out by you than you are of her.” Is she a spider?

Wow, what great timing! A car pulls up immediately. They ring the bell and then look in all the windows; this is legal if you have a camera crew. Markie’s dad answers. He tells them Markie left with friends the day before and hasn’t been back since. Maybe she was kidnapped again. 

Max tells Blaire if she has to chase Markie this much just to meet her, she might not be worth meeting. That’s some wise advice. Maybe all that grey hair is sinking into his brain. Blaire calls Markie again and, by Nev’s advice, leaves a message saying they’re not chasing her and they’re leaving.

Nev immediately contradicts his own advice and takes Blaire and Max to a park to sit and wait for Markie. Thirty minutes later, they hear from her and she says she’ll head over. 

As they sit and wait, Blaire is sitting in a short sleeved shirt and both men are in winter coats. All I can think about is what the season is and it’s incredibly distracting. However, I’m going to side with Blaire. Since they are in California, I’m assuming it can’t be any colder than 50 degrees. Being the strong Midwesterner that I am, I believe anyone wearing a coat in a temperature higher than 35 is weak and natural selection will come for them swiftly and justly. 

Forty-five minutes pass before Markie shows up and let me tell you they all look like fools for having waited that long. 

Markie comes out beaming with excitement, which is probably the last thing I expected. Blaire does not mirror this energy. They sit down at a table, mono e MTV, to chitchat. Markie says she wasn’t kidnapped; she went on her own. Buckle up for this one: he persuaded her to go with him because of premonitions he believed would come true if she went to New York. He told her she would die in New York if she didn’t repent her sins. She’s got a look on her face as if she’s expecting everyone to understand this immediately; like this is an issue we’ve all come across.

Markie says she knows she has a lying problem, but she tries her best not to lie to Blaire. Blaire says she does, and Markie fires back, “I try not to.” Nev tells her it’s important to Blaire to get to know the real Markie.

Markie then does something so eye-roll worthy, my eyes were stills spinning around a week later. She extends her hand to Blaire and introduces herself as, “a psychotic crazy person” with a lying problem. She tells Blaire she loves her and wants to be with her. 

Nev rolls up his sleeves. He isn’t the hero Catfish deserves but he’s the one it needs right now. He essentially calls her a manipulator and tells her the worst thing she can do for Blaire is tell her she wants to be with her. Max is cheesin’ so hard; feels good not to be the jerkoff for once. Nev acknowledges her support, but tells her she needs to stop lying.

Puck and Santana bounce. Blaire tells her she should’ve just told her she was scared. Markie says she wasn’t scared, but Blaire insists she was. Markie keeps saying weird shit about how she doesn’t want her to leave and she’s gonna make things right. Blaire tells her to be honest and says she can’t trust her. 

They head back to Sam and Quinn. Nev shakes her hand, but Markie has nothing but fiery hatred for him. He tells her, “See it as a sign of endearment that I see a lot of me in you.” Wow, what an honor. THE Nev Shulman has bestowed some of his narcissistic powers onto her. What a lucky girl. 

Three months later, Markie and Blaire talk every day. Markie has made a lot of progress through therapy. Blaire is moving to Florida and getting legal guardianship of Karen’s nephew. 

Recommendation: 2/5 Would Recommend

For some reason, I hated this episode. I don’t know why. But there were some fab twists and turns we’ve yet to see on Catfish. A kidnapping? Way to keep it fresh, MTV execs! It’s a big, wide world out there, isn’t it. 

Final Thoughts:

Nev and only Nev from Nev’s show Catfish needs to get his ego checked. We saw a gr8 reality check from Nev, but is there not one person on this whole damn production who’s like hey maybe you shouldn’t tell people it’s an honor to be made in your image.

Follow me on Twitter @MaeveMcDonough

[worstshowever]

Jamey and Ari

Jamey and Ari

Season 4 Episode 9

Original Airdate: April 22, 2015

More Appropriately Titled: Fuckboi Strikes Again: The Revival

This episode starts with Nev claiming this is the most special episode of Catfish yet because it’s the executive producer’s birthday. Who cares. Just like the rest of my life, I’m here to watch dreams get shattered not celebrate joyous occasions. 

Nev raises his status from tolerable asshole to piss lord of shit mountain when Max says, “There’s someone out there needing us” and Nev cuts in, “Nev-ing us. Someone Nevs us.” Thank you, Nev, for singlehandedly hosting, editing, producing, directing, sound mixing, and costume designing for this show and lugging your turds down the mountainside so that we, the proles, may feast upon your bounteous craps. 

Jamey from Houston, Texas, signed up for the dating site Plenty of Fish AKA Catfish.com. He was contacted by Ari, also from Houston. Neither of them has been able to meet because of their work schedules and lack of transportation. Four seasons in, MTV isn’t even trying to pretend these plotlines are organic anymore. Ari told Jamey she wants to meet on Catfish. She is refusing to meet him any other way because she has a secret. Damn, what a diva. Her secret is that she’s Mariah Carey. 

This might also be a real baller move of Ari because these fools get a fat check every time their episode airs. Ari’s a hustler. 

Nev lies because he is a liar and says this is the first time a couple has wanted to meet on Catfish, but that is a lie. We just saw that last week with Whitney and Bre. Literally one week ago. 

They pull up Jamey on Skype. He doesn’t seem nervous, but they keep yelling at him to stop being nervous, which I’m sure only made him nervous. It’s a lot like when your mom is yelling at you because she’s in a bad mood so it puts you in a bad mood and she’s like, “Maeve, stop throwing glass plates at everyone. You’re being a fucking bitch right now.” And you’re like, “Well, I'm not stopping now. Screw off, ho.” 

Jamey grew up in Michigan but has a Texas accent after a year, so, I don’t know what goes on down there, but I don’t want to be a part of it. Jamey is doing an apprenticeship to become a meat cutter, so Ari better play this cool. White dudes are all about murdering girls that turned them down. White dudes hold the record for, “Man, what the fuck” kind of crimes. 

Here’s another fab lil nugget Jamey shares to only build up the anticipation for Ari’s arrival: They’ve talked, texted and SKYPED! However, the Skype sesh was a real tight zoom on her face. That sounds so awkward, it’s comical and I’m not sure why Jamey never said, “Hey, back up.” 

Jamey says she’s very pretty and looks like the girl in her photos. Max asks if Ari has ever mentioned any insecurities she has because bitches always gots something to complain about. “Women need attention. Therefore, women will complain.” -Drake. 

Since Ari has never mentioned insecurities, Nev assumes she’s heavier than she appears, which sounds about right. Bitches are always tryna dupe dudes into something. 

They arrive in H-Town. Hey, look, there’s Beyonce. They head to the chop shop or whatever a meat cuttery is called. I have a liberal arts degree, so, like many questions, I can’t answer that. They sit down next to tomorrow night’s dinner, which I’m sure is a health code violation and you bet I will be reporting it. Jamey shares how wifed up Ari’s got him. He’s really banking on this to work out. 

Jamey is a one-word answer kind of guy, so he must really love Ari if he’s willing to be paraded on MTV. 

They once again go over how much of her face you can see on camera. Nev thinks outside the box here and suggests the only other thing that could be holding back a woman is if she’s pregnant. Seems like a viable option at this point, but Jamey insists she’s a virgin. She better be or else she’s a WHORE. 

Nev says, “Show us the bae,” a young, hip word MTV execs told him to try to work in causally as an attempt to identify with MTV’s forever young audience. He keeps getting older, we stay the same age. 

They look at her profile and it’s basically has a flashing neon sign that reads, “NO SEX.” It says she’s abstaining and has Bible quotes, but I could be wrong about that. I don’t know what a Bible looks like. 

She has her cheeks pierced, which, clearly, both Danny Tanner and Uncle Joey are into. Nev asks Jamey if he can get jiggy with that and he shrugs his shoulders. What does he care. He’s a 22-year-old guy. They’re into everything. 

Max points out there’s a significant difference in Ari’s weight between two photos on her profile. Let me tell you right now, I’m so tired of these goons assuming her deep, dark secret is her weight. If it turns out to be anything else, I will write MTV an invoice for wasting my time and send DJ and Stephanie a copy of the Feminine Mystique.

Before they start to creep on Ari, Uncle Jesse and Uncle Joey start fighting about how Max was replaced when he left to film his movie. They argue about who’s replaceable. Shut up. You’re both generic looking dudes with mildly entertaining personalities who spend all day holding a Nikon you can buy at Costco. You’re both replaceable. 

I’m either confused or incredibly bored because Ari looks like a different person in every photo. Why is no one commenting on this. 

They troll through her Facebook. Someone named Sophia comments on a lot of her pictures, so Nev and only Nev from Nev’s TV show Catfish reaches out to her. While waiting for Sophia to give them a lil ring-a-ding-ding, they pop Ari’s Facebook photos and a molly into Google. They find some of her other social media accounts, so it’s all looking kosher thus far. 

Woof, okay, so I think we’re getting somewhere. Ari posted on Christmas Eve, the biggest Hallmark holiday of them all in Capitalist America, that she was having a fab day with her in-laws and she was seeing a whole new side of her man. Did Jamey ever scroll through her Facebook, like c'mon son.  Looking through her photos, they find a picture of Caz, the man they believe is her husband solely because he is in the background and tagged. By that logic, I am married to the Crocs I’m holding in my profile picture, which I’m not all that upset about. 

Me and my husband <3 

The next morning, DJ and Kimmy get a call from Sophia and boy is it weird. She tells them dumb stuff they don’t care about like that she’s a talented makeup artist and a good friend. They just want to know if she’s a cheating ho or not. They don’t wanna round her out as a woman. Sophia says she knows Caz but doesn't say whether or not they’re together. She says she doesn’t want everyone to think she lied when they meet Ari and then hangs up. I’ve been in this same situation with the police, but there, I couldn’t hang up. I was in an interrogation room. 

Michelle and Stephanie arrive at Jamey’s uncle’s house. Their family band is rocking out in the garage. They’re no Partridge Family but they aight. 

They sit down with Jamey to let him know Ari is just tryna stack fat checks for herself and her husband. Before they can start yammering, Jamey’s phone won’t stop ringing. Jamey violently convulses and makes a motor noise to show everyone who is unfamiliar with cell phones what is going on. These texts are fab. He says hello and asks how she’s doing and her response is “fuck you.”At first, I wondered why he was even entertaining this and continuing to text her, but then I saw that his response to “fuck you” was “thanks for bein cool,” so I can really jive with this now. Do you know how often someone tells me to go fuck myself? I’m gonna save that one in my back pocket. 

Then, Ari tells him not to text her anymore. He obliges. However, that’s not what Ari really wanted. She keeps texting him to stop texting her and finishes strong with, “Helloooo.” Max imitates the text in an annoying, high-pitched voice that, although you hate to say it, you know that’s how she meant it. 

Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky get in his face asking him why he wants to be with such a heinous bitch, but then turn around and say she’s probably stressed out knowing she’s about to meet him on TV. Am I supposed to like her or hate her. I’m an MTV viewer. This decision should be made for me. 

Nicky and Alex Katsopolis tell Jamey about Ari’s husband. He says he knew she was seeing another guy for awhile, but he didn’t know it was that serious. 

The time has come; they call Ari. Boy, does she have a big, fucking attitude. She just says, “I don’t know” and says she never thought she’d have to tell him whatever it is that she has to tell him. Nev tries to pull a few more answers out of her, but she hangs up. I was in this same situation with the congressman I catfished, once. I, too, hung up. 

They call Ari back the next morning. She apologizes and asks to meet with them before she meets Jamey. After they hang up, as politely and politically correct as they can, they say they think she is unstable.  

Danny and Michelle meet Ari at a park. She is wearing a rosary. I didn’t think you could wear those. I always thought you just stuffed those things into drawers, fearful of their magical superpowers. Once again. she looks totally different than her photos. I’m calling it right now-I think she’s transgendered. There’s no way they’d tell us she was married unless Jamey and Caz were gonna Battle Royale fight to the death. That’s also a social issue MTV has yet to hit. 

Literally as I was typing out that I thought Ari was transgendered, she said she was transgendered. I’m honestly so glad we don’t have to deal with a Caz. That dude was a total wangster and I only saw one picture of him. 

Ari talks about her transitioning process. Danny and Uncle Jesse just smile and nod. MTV didn’t prepare them with the right questions to ask. She tells them Caz is her exboyfriend and she jokingly calls his parents her in-laws. 

They start asking her weird sex questions and she just said she’s not ready yet. Why are these fools always walking around asking everyone in town to tell them about all their sexual experiences in great detail. 

The gang goes to pick up Jamey and wildly speculate that the world’s most mild-mannered man will have a violent outburst when he finds out. 

DJ and Steve tell Jamey Ari is trandgendered. I don’t really think that’s their news to tell but okay. Here we are. Jamey says, “It is what is it” and MTV plays a song that literally just says, “it is what it is.” MTV has no chill. 

Jamey says he needs a minute to think about whether or not he wants to meet her. Yo, fuck this dude. Ari can do way better than that. Jamey wanders around his garage looking at power tools while he mows it over. 

I don’t know if it’s the next morning or the same day, but they’re on their way to meet Ari. They get to the park and Ari’s wearing a different outfit, so I think that resolves the timeline dispute. 

Ari is doing all the heavy lifting while Jamey mopes around. He says, “Everything was real except for this.” And, like, what the fuck does that mean. He tells her he’s not passing judgement and she has nothing to be ashamed of, he just feels decieved. I don’t really know what Jamey is really trying to say, but it feels kinda douchey. 

They mostly stand around in painful silence. Ari is a wilting flower. Jamey asks if they can talk in private. All too eagerly, Nev shouts, “Yes, of course” and shoos them off. He needs a break from that tension. I need a break from that tension. 

Ari and Jamey sit down to chitchat. He asks, “Have you done this with other people?” Like, literally, what. Just say what you wanna say, Jamey. We know what you’re tryna say and you’re gonna look like a dick no matter how you say it. 

He asks her when she knew she was a girl and she tells him she doesn’t want to talk about that. He tells her she doesn’t have to talk about anything she’s uncomfortable with but they have the time to if she wants and it will help him process everything. Aw, boohoo. Shut up, Jamey. 

Ari literally runs away in tears. 

Jamey says he hopes by being on TV, people will understand Ari better and not be quick to judge. 

Two months later, Jamey and Ari still talk as friends. 

My senior thesis is on deception in online dating and this fucking blog is what I’m trading in for a diploma, so I’m going to include this part: After the episode, Kimmy and Comet directly address the audience saying, “Transgendered women like Ari are real women and are not deceiving anyone when they state this. Telling people you are transgendered is a decision you have to make for yourself.” I concur. Just think of this being here as a nice takeaway for you. I gotta write about ten pages regarding those two sentences. 

Recommendation: 3/5 Would Recommend

Socially, this was an important episode. This was also an important episode for my thesis, so that worked out great. However, the most dramatic part of this episode was the Great American “Helloooo” Texting Fight 2k15.

Final Thoughts:

I still don’t know how to feel about Jamey. MTV really pulled the ole bait n switch on us. We were set up to not like Ari from the beginning and side with Jamey. However, by the end, he was either super PC about his feelings or can hang with transgendered people but was caught off guard by the whole situation. I’m hoping it’s the latter. 

Follow me on Twitter @MaeveMcDonough