Darling, I'm a Mess

A blog for me to "write my way out" of the emotional mess my life has become. All writings are of my own creation unless posted otherwise.

[write-your-way-out]

I am lost without you And that kills me more than anything To grieve the death Of the person you thought you knew While the person they are lives on Is a pain I never thought I would know I trusted you with all of me You took that gift and destroyed it I lost a lot when I left the faith But I lost everything when I left you August 1st will forever haunt me Because that is the day I took a stand I spent my whole life trying to get you to listen But you refused "YOU HURT ME TOO" You screamed back But the things you refer to are when I was a child Still new to this world Still trying to learn Begging you to believe me And what kind of mother makes their child beg For love For understanding For patience We are better off this way I can feel it in my bones The weight of you is lifted But the pain still feels unbearable Emotions have never been my strength And missing you Despite feeling like I can breathe for the first time Is one of the most confusing feelings I hate myself for loving you And you hated me for being born I am lost without you And that kills me more than anything -R.M. 11/01/2025

[write-your-way-out]

A Daughter's Wish

In another life, you're happy Maybe you kept that first child you always wanted Married that man you always said was so kind to you Or maybe you waited for the right man In this life where you had no need to seek out Soulless connections with strangers to feel loved In another life, your mother was kinder You never wrote that poem Your sister never died Your cousin chose to keep living You grew up in your little town and you never had to leave Carrying a little 1 year old baby in your arms Across country to stay where you never felt at home In another life, you never met my father Your spirit was never broken Your body never cracked You stayed healthy You stayed happy You loved and were loved Unconditionally In another life, I was never born You never carried the weight of my existence on your shoulders Never felt the shame Never saw my father in my eyes In another life you're happy And I wish you could see Why that's the version of you I wish I had -R.M. 7/17/2025

[write-your-way-out]

In another life, I'm the daughter you always wanted. In another life, you're the mother I always needed. But that other life is far from here, and this life keeps showing I will never be enough for you, and you will always hurt me.

01/29/25

[write-your-way-out]

If there's one thing my childhood religion taught me, it's that God has his favorites... And I have never been one of them. -R.M. 06/24/24

[write-your-way-out]

You deserved a mother who knew how to love you right, I agree.

But so did I.

-R.M 11/19/23

[write-your-way-out]

And which is worse I wonder. Realizing that they didn't know, Or realizing that they didn't care? -RM 07/05/23

[write-your-way-out]

There's something about the way my hands shake

That makes me fear for my future

That makes me worry for my career

There's something about the way my mind works

That makes me fear the unknown to too high a degree

That makes me terrified to leave my apartment alone

There's something about the way doctors have treated me

That's lead me to fear every appointment I go to

And I go to too many to count

They blame my heart rate on caffiene

And ask how I could possibly be scared to be sitting there

There's something about my past

That makes me terrified to trust anyone else again

That makes me scared to be alone

But more afraid to be in love

There's something about the way I am

That makes me fear tomorrow

Because if I lose strength in my hands

Lose my mind to the unknown

Lose my chance to find out what's wrong with my body

Lose my trust

Lose my love

Then I truly have nothing left to live for at all

-R.M. 2/5/23

[write-your-way-out]

I've spent my whole life feeling broken

Chasing the missing pieces of my soul

That lie scattered across the earth

I pick up jagged shards

Cutting my hands as I do

Trying to figure out where they go

But one can only be broken

So many times

Before the pieces chip away into dust

And it doesn't matter how many times

You put yourself together

Because there will always be empty spaces

Where something used to lie

And I don't know how to fix it

I dont know if I even can

I've spent my whole life feeling broken

And tonight

As I scream at my reflection

Words of hatred and untouched anguish

I realize that I am

-RM 12-30-21

[write-your-way-out]

And at this point I'm convinced, that happy is something I was just never meant to be.

R.M 10-28-21

[write-your-way-out]

And it wasn't love. But oh, how easily it could have been, if only we had a little more time.

-R.M. 10/03/21

[write-your-way-out]

I dreamt of you last night

I was wrapped up in your arms once more

Surrounded by that intoxicating feeling

Of peace that you always gave me

I was happy with you

You know

I loved so many things

Your smile

Your laugh

Your voice

I was addicted to the honey on your lips

To the fires you ignited under my skin

The way your presence brought joy

I fell asleep by your side

And I felt whole

I miss you

You know

I miss the time we spent together

Even though it was brief

I wish I could have been what you wanted

I wish you could have been what I needed

I dreamt of you last night

I was wrapped up in your arms once more

But when I woke up I remembered

You're not here to hold me anymore

-R.M.

08/20/21

[write-your-way-out]

And one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, is look you in the eye and tell you "I'm fine" when all I want to do is cry.

12/24/2020

[poems-and-word]

Poems & Words

[write-your-way-out]

Tip toe to the edge and peer over

What awaits at the bottom of the cliff?

"Back away slowly before you fall in"

Their voices ring out

But do I want to listen?

Further inland it's safe

There's a home I've always known

Familiarity equals safety

Or at least that's what I've been told

As I balance on the edge

Walking that line they tell you not to cross

I wonder

Where is home?

Is it the place where I grew up?

The paved roads and city lights?

Is it the small town living

In the middle of nowhere?

Perhaps home is the ocean

Where I've always felt at peace

But there's something tugging at my heart

They say "deep calling to the deep"

Is familiarity really safe

If I do not know its borders?

Who built the stone walls

Taught us to march in line

Sit silently in our pews

And never question?

And is the question really wrong?

As I look over the edge I see confusion

But looking back home I see the same

And the one thing they always teach

Is faith

So I put one foot over the edge

And push off with the other

Only time will tell now

If I fall

Or if I fly farther.

-R.M. 09/21/20

[write-your-way-out]

Put on a brave face

And do what you're told

Keep your feelings tucked inside

Keep your thoughts inside your mind

Don't forget to smile

Don't forget to change

Forget about your depression

Overcome anxiety

"We do so much for you"

And honestly it's true

But I can't help but feel as if

My brokeness brings more despair

The way I challenge things

That don't make sense to me

My heart is heavy

As I weigh out this ultimatum

Let go of the safety of this sanctuary

Or branch out on my own?

Instability awaits me

So I fear I have no choice

So I'll put on a brave face

And do what I'm told

Stuff my feelings back inside

Keep my thoughts inside my mind

Apologize for my disrespect

And continue to wonder

Why I can't ever get this right

-R.M. 09/06/20

[write-your-way-out]

Do you take me for a fool?

As if I would come running

Back to the poisoned fangs

That sunk into my damaged flesh?

Do you think the stab wounds

And the scars

And the hurt

That I obtained under your protection

Would cause me to crawl back to your feet

And beg for your forgiveness?

Do you truly believe

I would seek your guidance

When you have told me

Time

And time

And time again

I am not worthy of your time

I am not worthy of your love

I am not worthy of this name?

Do you still think of me

As an easy target

Because I wander alone?

Do you truly think that loneliness

Would drive me to your arms

Begging for your comfort

Begging for you to bring me peace?

Do you truly think I would trust in you

After you plunged your dagger

Into my chest

And watched as I bled

Out onto the pavement outside your sanctuary?

Do you truly think I miss

That poison flowing through my veins

That you fed to me

Day after day after day?

And for what?

To subdue my "wild" spirit?

To turn me into someone you can control?

To purge me with the fires of your holiness

That you claim will make me pure?

I will admit I was a fool once

For trusting you

But I am a fool

No more

-R.M. 08/31/20

[write-your-way-out]

Happiness is a mindset

That takes only seconds to break

You can try with all your might to make it stay

But in seconds it can crumble

Leaving behind the broken face

Tears still stain the skin

Lips remain cracked and dry

And there are no laugh lines

Memories of simpler days

Can tear away that giddy feeling

Claw into your chest and rip

The smile off your face

Oh but happiness is a mindset right?

So it should be so easy

Just paint your smile

Record a laugh

And no one will be the wiser

"You'll feel better" they say

As though a smile takes away

15 years of depression's vice like grip

Reality is shattered

When people start to realize

Smiles are a bandaid

Over a gaping wound that bleeds forever

-R.M. 07/14/20