earlier, i had a dream. i remember it so clearly.
after a long day at work, i walk into my bedroom. on my bed were two packages. they were a light yellow color with my name and address on them. i open one of them up, and i see inside are legal documents that state my name change had been acccepted. and on the very bottom was a testosterone needle with a tag that says ‘For Maddox.’ crying, I opened the other packages. inside, was a bag full of chest binder and male associated clothing…
when i looked into the mirror, i saw someone who was not me…or maybe it was. when i look in the mirror now, i see someone who is sad and lonely. depression and anxiety eat her alive. she has never been truly happy. never. not after her father passed away, anyway. when i look into the mirror, i want to scream and cry and break it with my fists, because i know that the eyes staring back at me are not mine. they are someone elses. someone, maybe someone’s who i am meant to be. i see a male. i see high cheekbones, strong facial features, i see facial hair. i see dilated eyes, and i see a broader face. broader shoulders, short hair, more muscles. maybe i won’t look so..dead inside. maybe. i often also flex in the mirror, and push my breasts up, almost as if i didn’t have them. i wish i didn’t.
i have never been ashamed to have hair on my legs, or my armpits, my face even. i thought that it was natural. that i shouldn’t be ashamed to have it. mostly because it did not bother me, at all. i had hairy legs, hairy armpits, i’m sure i even have a mustache. and none of it bothered me. until, i was told that i couldn’t have that. that i couldn’t have natural body hair. that it wasn’t 'ladylike.'personally, i didn’t really care at first. until, i started to. i started to shave my legs, knicking them every chance i got. shaving my armpits and getting rashes from doing it wrong. i even started to shave my face..bad idea to say the least.
who knew clothes were gender specific? because i sure didn’t. up until my 5th grade year, i always wore a simple teeshirt and some knee length shorts. i always wore the ugly sketcher shoes, my hair was always pulled back in a ponytail. i would always run off and play with the boys for a while, before they told me i couldn’t anymore. still, to this day, i get along better with guys. i don’t know why. most of my friends are guys, and i have no problem with that. for prom, (i am currently a sophomore in high school), i told my mother i wanted to wear a tux to the dance. and she looks at me with a disapproving look, and says, 'you are not wearing a tux to prom.’ i look at her, hurt, but i tried to keep my best composure. she looked directly at me and said,'because you are not a boy.’ and i remember my heart sinking down to the pit in my stomach. it felt like she had crushed it. she then began to say how that i was going to wear a dress, and nothing else. needless to say i was not happy. now, my attire is mainly jeans (skinny), 'girl’ shirts, gray vans, and my hair is always done in some random way. *I HATE MY HAIR. side note: my hair is naturally curly.
currently, my name is kenlee. i am sixteen years old, and i am a sophomore in high school. i am classified as a nerd, a geek,and a stiff, because i do not drink, drive, have my own car, and i can hardly leave my house at some points. i suffer from bipolar disorder, social anxiety, depression, ADHD, and many other medical phenomenons. i am allergic to sulfa drugs, which is short for 'Sulfonmides.’ as a child, i became extremely ill, and it was my fathers responsibility to give me my medication. safe to say, he thought i was getting better so he stopped providing them for me. but, within a few weeks, i became sick again, so he gave them to me again. but, instead, i had an allergic reaction. nice one dad. anyway, moving on. my home life has not been the best, won’t go into much detail, but i will say..losing a parent (or any family member) can really have a toll on your life. dramatically.
i lost my father when i was thirteen years of age. ill never forget the night that i found out my dad had died, july 9th, 2014. he was 45 years old when he died. i do not know the truth of the story, other than he did not have a car, so he was walking while almost intoxicated and he was struck by a semi on a highway. supposedly the cab driver was a new driver, and he said that he would never step foot in another semi, again. i don’t blame him. and i do not blame him for what happened. shit happens. wrong place, and at the wrong times for the both of them. although, i do miss my dad very much. he was my best friend, still is. i wish i would have gotten to say goodbye.
a couple days prior to that, i saw him july 6th, he went to a thrift store and for this white fedora hat, with a black band around the rim. he said he loved it. my father let me wear it, and he said it fit me well. i looked nice in it. i smiled. at the funeral, that is what i got to keep; my sister got his leather jacket, my brothers something else personal of his. i regret not speaking at his funeral. i wish i had.
anyway. my dad never liked boys. ever. even his own sons, and step sons. no one knew why he didn’t, he just prefered girls. one night, he pushed my brother off the porch because he found on of his porn magazines. my sister saw it, and he helped her inside. he has always hated boys. even when they grew up. if you asked him, he never spoke about his sons. but he always focused on me, and my sister. i didn’t understand it, neither did anyone else, really. my mother is always fixated on me being her 'little girl’ and it just makes me feel so..unhappy. i’ve never confirmed, nor denied, the pronouns she/her. it always just seemed so natural and easy to just accept them. i didn’t correct anyone, and i didn’t make myself out to be noticed. but, even till this day, i still don’t associate with she/her pronouns. it bothers me, and maybe it shouldn’t? i don’t know, really. if someone were to mis-gender me and call me a he/boy, i honestly would be the happiest person in the world.
today is march 20th, 2017. today is a new day. as charlie kelmeckis has said, 'i’m both happy and sad all at the same time, and i am still trying to figure out how that could be.’ well, it is true. i have my good days where i just want to hug everyone in sight,and my bad days where i want to stop breathing, and scream. i have my off days. i have days where i feel more sensitive, some days where i feel so masculine. (those days are paradise, lemme tell ya.) i have mood swings, and i have grumpy days. i have flaws, and that’s okay. i live in a world now, where gender identity and sexual orientation are NOT the same thing. sexual orientation is a inheret or immutable emotion (romantic, sexual, physical, etc.) to other people. gender identity is ones self concept, whether you are female, male, or somewhere in between. it is how we preceive and apprehend ourselves, and what we call ourselves. one’s gender identity can be the same or different from their sex assigned at birth.
i live in a world where the LGBT+ community is finally being able to expand, and is being accepted more. granted, there are some negative things too. but that’s with mostly anything. people are finally understanding the expression 'Love Is Love; nothing less, nothing more.’ people are more accepting and open minded, and honestly, it is so encouraging. there are still close minded people in the world, yes. but the majority is so loving and accepting and it truly is a safe place to be. a safe environment. just like my tumblr page is. it is a safe place for self expression and acceptance. it is a safe place to vent. to be loved, and to recieve love.
i love you all with every ounce of my being. every part of my person. you A R E important, and your feelings are NOT unnoticed and unaccounted for. you are noticed. you are loved. you are accepted. i love you, and i truly do believe in you. this is going to be a wild ride, and a wild life. but i hope to spend every moment enjoying it. mistakes and flaws, and all. i want to make mistakes, and learn from them. i want to finally be happy and move on with my life. not be ashamed for who i am. for who i will be in the nearby future. i want to make this life mine. if i ever come out to my mother as transgender, i do not know. i’m still trying to figure it out myself. and if i am, i truly hope maddox is happy who he is.
love with all my heart, kenlee. aka maddox. (@writeonmejames) ps. i apologize for the lengthiness. pps. you’re cute. ppps. i love you a lot. 🌈
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