KVPA

I want to inspire people through my writing|You can find me on Instagram as: Unwritten.thoughts17

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Monday February 6, 2017

Dear Nino:

I think it is time for me to write this letter; I wanted to do it since eight months ago but I just kept avoiding this. For some people all this might be stupid because you are no longer alive but for me it is a way to let go and what a better time to do it that in cancer prevention month. 

A lot of things have changed since you are gone. Watching you die made a huge impact in my life, I value more each and every day of my life and I am pretty sure you can see that wherever you are. I never imagined I was going to watch someone die in my life; it’s not something you propose to do someday in your life.

I never thought someone in our family was ever going to die from cancer because no one was ever diagnosed with this horrible disease. Cancer for me was so indifferent until you got diagnosed and lost the battle. You don’t get to hate cancer until someone close to you gets cancer. It is a disease that consumes physically and emotionally; the patient gets consumed physically and the family members and friends get consumed emotionally. I just prefer not remembering how you used to look before cancer and how you ended up looking because it breaks my heart.

I’ll just never forget that day because it has been one of the most painful experiences I have lived. I’ll never forget how the weather was, who I was with, the sound and heat of the breathing machine that was keeping you alive and I’ll just never forget how it happened. I don’t want to drown in my own pain; I want to be able to talk about this one day without getting watery eyes and feeling a hole in my chest. I want to turn my pain into a purpose; I want to learn about cancer, what causes cancer, how to prevent this disease, how to early detect so it can be treated and I just want to inform myself so I can spread this information to more people because nowadays everyone’s getting used to cancer.

I just want to become a better version of myself and I want to do something useful and meaningful with my life not only for me; but for you and for all the people I love and care. As I said, I value more life and the worth of being alive; since then I’ve found out my power to change some of the things around me. 

I miss you so much and there are days I wish I could meet up with you in my dreams but that only happens rarely. I will love you forever and as Fran Drescher (Director of Cancer Schmancer a.k.a my hero, angel, idol…you name it) told me: “His experience was your opportunity to grow”; so this is just the beginning of a life changing experience.

-K.Valeria

[alaskaisnothere]

Selfish people shouldn’t have children. And I don’t mean material selfish, that’s the easy to spot type; I mean human selfish, that lack of empathy or that they feel like they are the victims all the time because they feel responsible for everything and everyone. You’re not, everyone is their own person. You shouldn’t have children because the child is bound to be damaged, like me.

giulswrites (via giulswrites)

Accurate

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                          “Mexican, woman and dancer”

It all started as a Facebook page and ended up as a political rally, yes I am talking about “The Women’s March” movement. I know this all takes place in the United States of America thanks to the nonconformity of last year’s elections but this really has me thinking: “Is this a movement that should remain just to Americans?”

I, as a Mexican woman and dancer, feel that the whole concept of what a woman should be needs to change. I wrote an essay two years ago about the challenges I’ve faced as a female dancer and honestly now that I think better, being a female dancer and being also a Mexican woman makes me feel more social pressure on “how things should be”.

As a female dancer I am expected to be skinny, sometimes in a very unhealthy way thanks to George Balanchine who once screamed to one of his dancers during rehearsal: “I want to see you in bones”. People find more aesthetic watching a ballet performance where dancers look skinny because as they are dancing they look like feathers moving in the air. Judges at a dance competition prefer skinny dancers too for the same reason, the only difference is that (as the word says) they JUDGE you by your weight and sometimes they put your looks above your talent and dancing technique.

As a female dancer I go through a lot of pain during classes, rehearsals and even performances and I am still expected to always have a huge smile on my face while dancing. It is scientifically proven that ballet dancers go through much more pain than people who do sports, and still ballet and arts in general are not overrated as sports are.  

As a ballet dancer I am also expected to sometimes put classes, rehearsals and performances above my social and personal life. There’s a big party on Friday in one of your best friend’s house? Well you should think twice before deciding to go because you have rehearsal on Saturday morning. You want to skip class on Thursday? Great, that’s your decision but don’t complain if you get cut out of choreography.

And as a Mexican woman, well you should know that we (Mexicans) live under traditional and conservative values that are regularized by the catholic religion. So as a Mexican woman I am expected to study a professional career that takes no longer than four years so once I am done studying I get married with a man who has a stable job and knows how to run economically a home. Then of course as a woman I have to have kids because that’s what comes next and of course I have to raise them as I was raised and I also have to dedicate full time to my home and family because in case I don’t the whole society while look at me as a failure as a mother, wife and woman.

Society thinks, at least here in México, a woman’s place is her house, her kitchen and her family.

I tell here in these paragraphs what I have to face daily as a Mexican woman and dancer but what happens to other women around the world? What situations do they have to face every day and why does it has to be like that?

What happened today, as I read and saw on social media, made me realized my place is not the house, the kitchen or even the dance studio. My place is the entire world, I own my life and I can do whatever I want to do with it. No one has the right to tell me how things should be; I didn’t study a professional career for four years to end up stuck in the house and the kitchen. I don’t dance just to entertain myself all the afternoons and just to please spectators and judges at a competition; I dance because it’s my way to express how I feel, I know I have talent and great technique but all above this, I have passion.

So just to finish with this, thanks to all the American and non-American women who marched today. Watching all of you raise your voice made me feel proud of being a woman and gave me strength to fight for my rights each and every day.

-KVPA

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Lately I’ve been feeling lonely although I am always surrounded by people. I’ve always said that it is better to be alone than in bad company. This was my life motto back in high school but to be honest, I didn’t understand the true meaning of this quote.

In order to understand what this saying really means you have to surround yourself with bad company. You won’t get to know right away if this people’s actually bad, first you have to meet them and spend time (not always quality time) with them so you can conclude if they contribute in a good way or a bad way to your life and of course, your person.

I guess this quote was my life motto back in high school because I didn’t have a choice. It was either being alone or being with people who made me bullying and clearly didn’t like me at all.

This changed in my years as a university student. It changed to the point that I got used to being always surrounded by “friends”, not true, not best, just friends. I got used to always being in company to the point I didn’t distance myself from one of my friends the moment she touched my vagina and said: “This is all your pussy will get this year so you should enjoy it”.

“Did this just happen?” “Why she did that if she’s my friend?” “Should I cry or what do I do now?”

Those were my thoughts in that moment. I, of course, pushed her away and I don’t know how but I managed to defend myself. I remember being in a total zombie mode that afternoon just thinking about what should I do because that’s not a normal behave you expect from someone you call your friend. “Should I distance myself from her?” that was the first question I asked to myself and for some reason a “NO” popped into my mind immediatly. I didn’t make an effort in asking myself why I shouldn’t keep my distance from her and now that I can think clearly on why, I jump to the conclusion that I was terrified of being alone again like I was in high school.

One of my resolutions for this year was to cut out of my life phony friends and people I felt was not making a good contribution to my life and person and I guess I’ve been doing a really good job because now I feel alone.

I’ve been living this days under the hope that eventually I’ll meet the right people and I’ll find out who my true friends are. I mean, I am still young so I have plenty of life and I guess I’ll keep crossing paths with this type of people. 

-KVPA

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Letter to my young self

Dearest girl: I saw you on Friday. I saw sadness and bitterness in those beautiful eyes of yours. Do you like to dance? It doesn't matters if you don't because eventually you'll find out dance is your biggest passion. You will find out by watching "Sleeping Beauty" how much you truly want to be a dancer. That's the first time you will ever wish with eyes full of tears for a leading part in a ballet play. It won't be easy my dear. You will deal with rude comments that will lead you to be an insecure person. You will doubt of yourself and your capability. You will stop doing what makes you feel happy and passionate just because it is easier to quit than fight. But you know what? You will come back stronger. You will fight and yes, you will get what you always dreamed of. Nothing's impossible. There's not a deadline. Keep living, keep doing what you love and makes you happy and I am sure you will get where you want. You will prove to yourself that you are capable of achieving anything you truly desire with your heart and from that moment on, believe me, you will stop second guessing. With so much love: Your future self.

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Only dancers will know: Happiness in one picture. 

Let’s see how long they last. 

-KVPA

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                           “Turn lemons into lemonade”

Yesterday I had time to take some pictures on my house and honestly, this one was not one my favorites and I wasn’t supposed to upload it but the first thing I thought of while taking this picture was on one of my idols (Fran Drescher) favorite quotes: “Turn lemons into lemonade”.

I don’t think there’s any need on explaining what she means with this quote because I find it pretty logic or at least what I understand is that if you have an opportunity, you need to take it; if you have a especial talent, embrace it and try making something with it; if you’re going through a hard moment, try finding something positive about it.

I am definitely not where I want to be and sometimes I find myself overthinking and dragging myself into depression by thinking on how am I going to do to get where I want to be, well the first step is: Do not overthink. I’ve realized that overthinking only causes you insecurity and yes, depression and fear. So why think when you can actually act and find answers to your questions on your way?  

Today I took the first step of what I knew it is going to help me get where I want, the answer to one of my questions was not what I expected because apparently it is not going to be as easy and quick to achieve my goal but it is not impossible at all. It will take time, courage and perseverance to get what I want and where I want.

For now what I got is my motivation to do and be better, my writing skills, this blog and my ability (which needs improvement) to take pictures. It probably doesn’t sounds like much because I just started but I am sure that if I take advantage of these talents I have, this will help me accomplish all I want.

If I relate this to the quote: “Turn lemons into lemonade”, for now these four lemons are all I got, but I’ll make sure to squeeze them up all I can.

-KVPA

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There’s something special about cleaning up and throwing away things you don’t need anymore: You always find stuff you didn’t know you had (or you probably knew but you just forgot). 

What should have taken me an hour or less to do, ended up taking me more than two hours. I found letters written by all my friends from high school. Honestly, I enjoyed reading each and every letter as if it was the first time I ever read them but unpleasent memories came too. I didn’t realize back then the importance of having a strong self-esteem because if you love your self and you know your worth, it is really hard for people to break you and bring you down. 

I don’t regret listening to all the offensive nicknames and comments people made in those years, but what I truly regret is that I believed all those words and by doing that I let people bring me down and literally torn me apart back then.

Recovering self-esteem when you’ve been a victim (I hate playing the victim but that’s how you actually call someone when they have been mistreated) of not only verbal but psychological and physical abuse is really hard. People often say: “Don’t let people change you” well, let me tell you is easy for them to talk about situations they don’t know because being abused makes you change, for better or worse but it makes you change and it’s a process.

I used to blame everyone for my lack of confidence in high school and thanks to that I lived hating people for years. I was a bitter person who had a lot of trouble to relate with people. 

When did I change? When I realized it was actually my fault for never defending myself and not knowing all my worth as a person. Did I live with guilt once I admited this? Yes I did and I stopped the moment I was able to forgive myself and all the people who did the harm even though they never apologized. 

This is life, this is your life. We all go through hard moments and we are all humans. You want to live a happy life? Do what makes you happy, know your worth, embrace and love who you are and what’s more important: Learn to forgive people and yourself. 

-KVPA

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You know you want things to be different but in order for them to be different, you have to stop doing what you're doing so you can get a different result. 

Is not the small details like a flower bouquet that keeps me doing what I do. It is the fact that I have inspired someone with my dancing and that somebody looks up to me. 

 I'll never forget that performance. I was on the dressing room feeling tired, complaining about the things that went wrong during the performance but yet nobody noticed and dressing up to go outside and meet with my family and friends. When a little girl, also a ballet student, came into the dressing room and gave me this roses bouquet. 

I'll never forget that moment because dance is something I do for myself. I dance because it always makes me feel better no matter how stressed, mad, sad or happy I feel it just makes everything better. I felt a knot on my throat when I was hugging this little kid because I started questioning myself from October through December if I should keep dancing. 

Dance is not easy, it requires time, dedication, constancy and a lot of physical, emotional, mental and psychological strength. Sometimes I wish I had time to do other things like travel, hang out with my friends or family or just time to do something completely different from what I am used to do and most of the time "I can't because I have rehearsal” or dance class. 

 Around those months I felt like I was wasting my life spending most of my days in rehearsals, this little girl comes and gives me this beautiful roses bouquet and makes me feel like I am actually doing things right, I am inspiring people and I am actually passionate about dance. 

 Right now, I am sitting on my room wishing I can achieve more than last year, figuring out how to get where I want to be and the same question pops into my mind: "Should I keep dancing?" I go back to the dance studio tomorrow. I don't know if I am doing the right thing by going back but all I know is that I love to dance and if I stop dancing, I'll lose my identity and one of the reasons of my happiness. I guess I'll just do what I want , what makes me feel passionate and what truly makes me happy and eventually I'll find answers to all those questions that make me feel worried. 

  -KVPA

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January 2, 2017: "When it comes to friends, I need quality not quantity"

-KVPA

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I have no idea what I am doing even though I’ve always wanted to do something like this and today feels like a really good day to start with this little space of mine full of unwritten thoughts, and yes, obviously unsaid thoughts.

I woke up feeling bitter today because I had the most boring New Year Eve party ever and I don’t even know if I should call it a party. Well the point here is that during the day my mood changed, I went from bitterness to sadness and I’ve remained sad for the rest of the day. I made a quick road trip to Ensenada (a beautiful place here in Baja California, no I am not American) and while I was on my way I started to remember what happened exactly a year ago and how things changed a lot in 365 days.

A year ago I was in L.A with all my family and a early phone call woke us up. It was my grandmother telling us that the social worker was taking my grandpa to the hospital because he was feeling pain all over his body. I honestly did not care, I mean this was not his first time going to the hospital so what should I worry about if he has always come out of the hospital feeling better? Ha stupid me! I have to accept, that day I woke up feeling bitter too. My mother was so worried and when she’s worry she’s also annoying so try to put an annoying mother and a bitter daughter together…Yes! You get the Third World War. We had a horrible discussion, I can’t even remember over what but I ended up leaving the house with one of cousins.

I came back home at night and my mother kept ignoring me, she went to one of my cousin’s room and I followed her. Once we were both there I remember I said: “Mom”. I was expecting an answer but she simply ignored me so while she was getting some clothes inside our suitcase, I came over to her. I stared at her for a few seconds and then I hugged her (aww) and she pushed me away and said: “What do you want?”. I never break up in tears in front of my mother because I hate crying in front of people but I started to desperately cry in front of her and she started crying too.

I never express how I feel to my parents because they always end up worrying about me and I don’t like that but that time was the first time I was actually able to say how I felt. With a cut voice and a face full of tears I remember I said to my mother: “I feel sad mom, I feel unhappy”. She stared at me for a few seconds and then we both hugged. It was a really long hug and she whispered in my ear: “I am concerned about your grandpa, I feel this time he’s not coming out of the hospital” and all I said was: “Life is short mom. I want our relationship to change. I want to feel close to you, I want this.”

365 days later, my mom and I have never had a discussion like the one we had a year ago and we started this year without my grandpa who passed away seven months ago. While I was on my way to Ensenada and I was remembering all this while staring at the beautiful view outside the window, I felt he was actually there in the middle of the sea, smiling to me with his quirky smile. The warm sun beating on my skin, the sound of the waves hitting on the rocks and the cold wind getting into the car were signs of him telling me to stop worrying about what the year will bring and actually enjoy each and every day while I am still alive. My bitterness that comes every New Year it’s actually because deep down inside I feel worry. I expect a lot from 2017, I don’t know what this year has for me but all I know it’s that I am the one in charge of making things happen. I can let situations, people and emotions either destroy me or transform me, why not let this year build me into a better person?

-KVPA