Writing Out Daily Thoughts

Ones that can't be shared.

[writhethoughts]

The amount of words we have to censor everywhere to avoid hurting others usually ends up hurting yourself. 

[writhethoughts]

Wearing your heart on your sleeves will ultimately destroy you. 

[dankmemesreasonforliving]

[theholleywoodsigns]

Explains why I’m so fucking stupid

[wolfwars]

no, not like ‘stupid’ brain damage. your emotions become so stressful your brain starts getting a little numb to them. you start experiencing higher rates of apathy. you can also have further trouble with memory and problem-solving.

[muffintop-malachite-deactivated]

That Explains Why I’m So Fucking Stupid

[writhethoughts]

I guess this explains me? Honestly sometimes I feel like my brain was degraded a lot

[extramadness]

[writhethoughts]

A wholehearted laugh

Sometimes it scares me. A wholehearted laugh scares me.

The rare times that I let myself go and feel better, I am able to let myself laugh a wholehearted laugh. It scares me because it feels like it’s been a while since I have done that. As if it’s a new experience to me, to be able to laugh wholeheartedly, without any dark thoughts in my mind. It scares me because I use to be someone who is carefree and give without hesitation. But now, I’m not like that anymore, cloudy minds with incoherent thoughts are the results of me blocking everything from my mind. Trying not to see anything helps me pass by life easier.

[writhethoughts]

What happens when you are all out of smiles?

What happens when you are just too tired of overlooking every curses or coded words coming at you? When you decided not to put up with any of the fucks thrown at you and decided to shoot back even if the people who did it included your own family and friends?

Sometimes when people low key diss you, the safest way is to laugh it off and not give a damn about it. But I guess I’m just tired, tired of hiding how I truly feel for the fear of offending others. When in actual reality I have already and always been hurt by their words... Chaos ensues... bonds are broken and I guess everything just breaks down...

What happens when you are out of smiles?

You start viewing the world differently and see the dark side of everything. You start to lose trust in your closest ones and start to distance yourself from everyone. You think to yourself I must get stronger before I start to face the outside world once again with as a new strong human being. But in the progress of doing so, you start to wrap your heart and mind with layers of silk, tissues, self love and lastly a thick layer of armour to prevent any outside scars from scarring you ever again.

People will notice that you have changed but won’t know what’s the difference but deep inside you know. You have lost all your smiles and nothing you do feels like it is ever coming back. The cheerful and innocent person you once were, before you became the bearer of all other sins that were inflicted on you is gone forever.

[writhethoughts]

What should I feel about this? I really don’t know. I guess it all stems from myself, being unable to stand up for myself. Only going full force halfway. Really wants to do something but at the same time do not want to offend others. Trying hard to please people? But in the entire can’t even please the most important person - Myself.

[writhethoughts]

It is so scary how when you thought that you are at your lowest but in reality you are still free falling

[writhethoughts]

I breathed in one heavy breath to calm myself.

I breathed out on heavy breath and all the fight left me.

I’ve never felt so stressed out, so defeated before. 

[writhethoughts]

Just block everything, it will be fine, it will be fine

[writhethoughts]

9 November 2018,

It’s 12 midnight now and I’m mentally drained. From all school work and my suspicions regarding my mental health.

Starting with school work- This guy in my group called R is absolutely driving me crazy with his work and attitude. The quality of his work is as shitty as it gets, the attitude of stepping up as the leader but only in voice, work produced by him as just so damn shitty that I’m in utter disbelief. Work is pilling up and I can’t seem to really catch up with everything. The biggest one is the dissertation. Always being part of the SG education system, I can’t seem to adapt quick enough to Uk’s academic style. Time isn’t enough, 2 years to complete my bachelor, not enough space for me to make the changes. Initially I felt that I was waddling through all the work loads, keeping my head just slightly above everything. But as time passes, my stamina for all these just drops, so does my motivation and later my morale.

I just felt so shitty most of the time and my friends kept asking me if I was stress, and to just chill. I’m always relieved that my friends are concerned about me, and eternally grateful as well. But they are experiencing the same thing as well, who am I to be the one to be more stressed than the others?? When my friends who are just as stressed could spare me some encouraging words and me, who have been taking their encouragements lack the energy to give it back to them. I use the word energy but honestly, it’s not really energy but I can’t really describe the feeling. The closest description that I can give is how my soul just feels blank, my happiness drained and it’s just a void in me. There is nothing positive to share and if I ever try to share, it’s just all the negatives. The few escapes I have is listening to music/content which I love and sometimes it feels like a lifeline to me.

My memory has been failing me really badly recently. Things that were just said seconds ago, I can’t remember. I tried to pay close attention to it, but my mind just blanks which is absolutely great during class since my notes will be blank as well. Perfect to give it to someone else to use for the upcoming school year yay. I tried googling my symptoms but nothing comes out. I took that as something positive, no news is good news.

Well that is my update for now. I started off with this post being light headed and full of thoughts stumbling thought my brain. But after loading off the words into this post I feel so much better. Hopefully no insomnia will haunt me tonight or ever again.

[writhethoughts]

221018

[extramadness]

[extramadness]

[writhethoughts]

Man... that’s kind of sad...

[extramadness]

[thepersonalquotes]

[writhethoughts]

oh how much I’ve changed... I once thought that water runs deeper than blood... How young and naive I once was...