Writing in the Car Loop

Writing stories while stuck in the car loop.

[writinginthecarloop]

Rhonda Update

I've decided to make a blog specifically for the Rhona Paranormal Pest Control stories, because I want to explore them more and need to keep them separated n my brain.

:)

I have moved the stories over to the new blog, so you'll see them again as I get new ideas.

@paranormalpestcontrol · Rhonda's Paranormal Pest Control

Rhonda has a problem. A paranormal pest problem. Good thing she's a professional exterminator.

[writinginthecarloop]

October 01: 92

In a dystopian future, a band of humans and friendly monsters join forces to reclaim Earth from evil entities.

"So, this is how it's going to end?" I asked my compatriots, flicking the white lollipop stick away.

Red sharpened her two swords as she spoke, the deep scar on her face moving with every scrape of her whetstone, "If it is, then it is."

"You two are too pessimistic." Jack laughed as he jumped and practiced punching the air.

"And you're too bouncy," Jill grabbed him and threw him to the ground.

Hansel and Gretel did not say anything as they prepped their weapons, holy water, and other assortment of tools.

"How did this even happen?" Jill asked to see if I knew the story.

"Well, I got a phone call from a military base about someone summoning something, but they were all dead when I checked it out. I watched the cameras and found the culprit. It's a woman who was possessed by whatever ancient evil they found. Even the Hell Hound couldn't drag the damn thing back."

"And we're expected to?" Jack's eyes went wide.

"Not really. We're just the last line of defense," Red answered as she stood up and stretched.

I exhaled a sigh. "Kinda wish we had more than just us trying to stop this thing."

"Good thing we're the best, then," Jack said with a smile.

"Got any clones we could use as distractions?" Hansel gave him side eye. "I heard you pissed off a witch."

"How was I supposed to know that she wasn't interested in seeing my little--"

"I'll hit you if you finish that sentence," Red warned him.

"Fine, fine. Be that way." He huffed. "But, no, we took care of all of them."

Red's ears twitched, the werewolf curse activating. "It's coming."

"Jack, be nimble. This is no time to talk. Jack, begin your shadow-walk," I commanded him.

"Yes, ma'am." He popped up a salute and faded into Jill's shadow.

Hansel and Gretel stood up, ready to fight.

Someone stepped on the fallen leaves nearby.

We whipped around and raised our weapons to Nov who stood there with a pack of Paranormal Pests.

He put his hands up. "We're here to help."

"Last time you helped, you were chained into a circle," Gretel replied with some snark in her voice.

"Whatever affects the humans affects us as well," a vampire said with a toothy smile. "I believe that this is the first time we've met face-to-face."

I grimaced. "I remember telling you to lose my number."

He stepped up, towering over me, then lifted my chin to meet his eyes. "But then rich humans would send poachers who don't care about our endangered status."

I whacked his hand away. "Not the time or place."

Jack reappeared. "Whoa. Who brought the army?"

"The fae did," Red answered.

"What did you learn?" I asked him.

Jack gave his report, "It is killing everything in its path, while using the dead as its horde."

"Get ready." Red took her fighting stance.

"Jill, only shoot if you have a clear shot. Head and heart," I said.

"You got it." Jill pulled the sniper rifle from her bag.

"Red will take point, Hansel and Gretel are her backups. Take out the revenants. Paranormal Pests, you'll need to take out the mobs of zombies. Fire and decapitation will stop them," I explained to everyone.

"You got it." Nov gave me a thumbs up.

"What about you?" the vampire asked.

I sighed. "I'll take care of the big guy." I glanced to Jack. "I need you."

He hesitated, then nodded. He opened his arms and grabbed me into a hug.

I embraced him back, whispering, "Jack, be nimble. Jack, show me no concern. If I fail, Jack, make me burn."

His eyes flashed a deep orange, then turned back to their normal color. "Don't make me do it, so you better kill the thing."

I smiled brightly, not saying anything.

Red pointed to the valley filled with the walking dead. "Give her some time to prep. We'll go first." She twirled her finger. "Move out." She lightly touched my arm for support, followed by Jill, Hansel, and Gretel.

The teams followed her down into the soon-to-be-war zone.

Inhale.

Exhale.

I snapped my fingers; my clothes changed into a long black cloak with a silver clasp. I blinked, my vision becoming black and white, a sea of greyscale. With another breath, I appeared in front of the woman.

She laughed, a voice so deep it should not have come from her vocal chords. "So, you think you can beat me?"

I stayed absolutely still, the mists gathering around us, blocking out the fighting that surrounded us. I did not speak, just waiting.

She narrowed her pitch black eyes. "Who do you think you are? I escaped from the depths of Hell and defeated the Hell Hound sent to catch me. What gives you the right to stand before me?"

I continued to stay silent.

The grey fog quieted the area, as if she and I were the only ones there.

She ran up and grabbed onto my throat. "Answer me!" she shouted, her voice muted by the mist.

I stared down into her eyes that were blacker than the night.

"Forget it." She squeezed my neck.

I grabbed the single bell from the air.

It rang silently, no clapper to touch the side of the bell.

She dropped me, covering her ears. "No! What are you?" she demanded.

I stepped forward, continuing to ring the bell.

She whimpered and whined, as if the sound was deafening. "Make it stop."

I stood over her, the bell vanishing into the fog. I opened the black cloak as she glared up.

"No..." the fear in her voice quivered. "You can't be! You're a myth!"

I stretched my arms wide, holding the cloak as open as it could get.

The wind picked up around us, whipping and dragging the creature closer to me.

She tried to hold onto a tree root, her feet lifting her from the ground, followed by her body. Her hands slipped, and she fell into the darkness of my cloak.

I closed it, feeling her fight me from the inside. I coughed up blood as the soul of the original woman came out of my mouth.

It floated away, towards wherever it deserved to go.

The creature slammed into my heart, making it burn and ache.

I coughed up more blood, feeling it drip as tears from my eyes, and ears. I grabbed my sides and tried to hold myself together.

It tried to tear me apart from the inside, claws slashing and teeth gnashing.

"Are you..." Jack whispered as he held up a flame in his palm.

I held up a finger to keep him from breaking my concentration. Soon, the violence within slowed then stopped. I threw up black tar onto the ground. "Burn it." My clothes turned back to normal.

"Gladly." He tossed the fireball onto what was left of the ancient evil that killed so many.

Red, Jill, Hansel, and Gretel walked over, blood covering their clothes. The Paranormal Pests kept their distance from the ruthless hunters.

"Everyone all right?" I asked.

"We'll live. You?" Red gave me a once over.

"We'll see," I answered.

Icy cold fingers gripped my soul, taking the dark evil soul from my body.

I shivered, and everyone's breaths became puffs of warm air.

"Lord Death has granted you reprieve for your service," the Reaper whispered, just loud enough for me to hear.

"Tell Lord Death I am grateful for his mercy," I replied.

The cold disappeared, leaving us alone in the hot night.

"Looks like you'll live to see another day," Red said as she and Jack caught me when my limbs gave out.

I threw up more blood, until there was nothing but bile. "Looks like it."

Nov stepped over and pressed his hand to my chest.

Jack whacked the fae's hand away. "Stop groping her."

The faerie glared at the trickster. "Can you heal her? Because I can. Now, hold still." He shoved his hand to my sternum, a flash of white light filling the clearing, making the vampires hiss in pain and fear.

"Nov, is there something you're not telling me?" I raised an eyebrow at the Unseelie.

He shifted his feet, like he was embarrassed. "My mother is the Unseelie Queen, and my father is the Seelie King, so I can use both kinds of magic."

"So, your parents are enemies to lovers?" Gretel asked, curiosity overcoming her.

He shuddered. "I'm not answering you, after what you did to me."

She grinned and grabbed him by the shirt collar. "You begged for it."

My phone buzzed, stopping everything. I reached down and grabbed it from my pocket. "Rhonda's Paranormal Pest Control. What's bugging you?"

The woman on the line said, "There's something going on with my son. He's talking to someone, and--" The line cut out.

"No rest for the wicked..." I grumbled as I straightened my blood covered shirt. "Jack, be nimble. Jack, alone. Jack, find who called this phone."

[writinginthecarloop]

012 – Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control: Catching Up

So, originally it was supposed to be a friend who called, but someone else decided that they wanted to chat instead

I zipped up my black coveralls, my name embroidered on the chest. I pulled the blowtorch from the back of my car and shut the trunk. The sucker stick hanging from my mouth and earbud completes the look.

I gazed towards the cemetery, hands popping out of the dirt like rotten dandelions and weeds.

“Ready?” Red asked in her blood-colored coveralls, hoodie, and mask that covered most of her scarred face.

“As I’ll ever be,” I answered as an arm from a newly dug grave stretched towards the sky.

“When I catch this necromancer, I’m going to put them in the ground for good,” she complained, unsheathing her sword. “I lacerate; you incinerate.”

I took the white stick from my lips and flicked it at one of the coming creatures. “You got it.”

She strode forward, each step fast than the last as she sped up. She hacked and slashed at the corpses, mostly decapitating them.

I followed behind her and burned the bodies.

My phone buzzed, and I answered it on the headset without looking, “Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control. What’s buggin’ ya?”

“It’s pathetic that the only way I can talk to my granddaughter is while she’s at work,” an elderly man said.

“Hey, Pop-Pop.” I torched the groaning figure that lumbered towards me. “How’s everything going?”

“Oh, you know how it is. Your grandmama has been baking up a storm to prep for the holidays, and I’ve been doing my usual.”

“Kicking the other old people’s butts at Gin?”

“Not my fault they aren’t getting any better.”

“Have you been getting up and going for walks?” I stepped over a charred mass of flesh and bones.

“Argh. Not you too.”

“Mum said that your doctor gave you orders to exercise everyday.”

“I golf.”

“Do you take a cart or drag your clubs on the course?”

He grumbled and did not answer.

One of the creatures groaned behind me.

I flipped the torch under my arm and pulled the trigger, light it up like a candle.

“There’s a lot of noise. What’re you working against today?”

“Zombies.”

“Ah, nasty buggers,” he said with a hint of disgust. “It’s not the time of year for zombies, though.”

“Yeah, there’s a necromancer raising them. Red’s on the hunt.”

“Hm. Good lass, that Red. She’ll catch them in no time.”

“Well, yeah. She’s finally got a lock on that necromancy scent.”

“One good thing that came after dealing with that big bad wolf. How’s her grandma?”

“Not sure.” I put my hand over the microphone. “Hey, Red!”

“Kinda busy!” She huffed as she swung her sword.

“Pop-Pop wants to know how your grandma’s doing!”

“She’s doing great!” She grinned, stretching the deep years-long-healed gashes on her face. “She demands a rematch and wanted to know if your grandmama is going to enter an Apple pie in the county fair this year.” She stabbed one of the zombies in the chest, carving its heart out.

I told him what she said, “Is Grandmama doing the fair?” I asked him.

“Of course she is!” He sounded wounded that I would question that.

“She’s gonna do it!” I answered Red.

“I’ll let grandma know.”

“Well, I guess I should let you two get back to work…” his voice trailed.

“Pop-Pop, make sure you get outside and exercise,” I reminded him. “I need you to stay alive for another thousand years.”

He laughed. “You know, someday, I’m going to meet my end, just like the rest of life.”

“Yeah, but it can be a little while until then.”

“All right, kiddo. I love you, and we’ll see you during the holidays.”

“I’ll be there. Love you too, Pop-Pop.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(RIP Pop-Pop and Grandmama. ;_; I miss you both, and wish you could've met all of your great-grandkids.)

[writinginthecarloop]

011- Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control: Faerie

I mashed buttons on the controller, hoping it would make the grinding go faster. I sighed, “Why is it such a pain in the ass to raise my Digimon’s ABI?”

The phone rang, pulling me from the monotony.

“Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control. What’s buggin’ ya?”

“Can I have your name?” a sultry male voice was like honey on my mind and ears asked.

“Nah. Nice try, Novu,” I replied to the faerie. “What’s up?” I kept battling to gain more experience to digivolve my monsters.

“I need your help.”

“That’s odd. Usually fae don’t need anything.”

A woman’s voice screeched in the background.

“Damn it,” Novu grumbled.

I paused my game. “This sounds serious.”

“She ate the mushrooms,” he said flatly.

“You mean the ones that you lot try to share with everyone for your enjoyment? How’s that a problem?”

“I wanna lick your lollipop!” she yelled.

“Back! Back you beast!” he growled, a sound almost too low for my ears, as he sounded like he struggled to push her away.

“Ah,” I chuckled.

“You know what the issue is?” he begged.

“Yup.” I unpaused my game and continued to battle. “You lured in a monsterfucker, and now you’re dealing with the consequences. We call this FAFO on the human side of things.”

“How do I make her stop?”

“Well, you could do that brain scrambling thing—“

“No, I can’t. The Seelie Queen will have my head if I mess with another human’s mind.”

“You could just poof and disappear.”

“Can’t do that either. She threw a ring of iron around us.”

“You could wait it out until she’s no longer high.”

“That would take ages!” he complained. “Ouch! Get off me, woman!”

“Finally, you could let her give you a blowjob since you gave her the mushrooms. That would complete the trade, which makes the spell wear off faster. I mean, she might enjoy your glitter goo.”

“You are gross!” He gagged at the thought.

“Tie me up, shadow daddy!” the woman’s rough voice itched my nerves.

“Quick question, Novu…”

“Yeah?”

“What’s she wearing?”

“I don’t know. Clothes?”

I facepalmed. “Describe them.”

“White button up shirt, plaid corset on the outside, and matching plaid skirt.”

“I need to you rip her bodice open and check for a tattoo on her chest.”

“What?”

“Just do it.”

He whined. After some shuffling, a few moans, and a couple groans, he finally answered, “It’s a lily.”

“Hang on a second. I’ve gotta put you on hold.”

“Don’t you dare—“

I flipped the switch and dialed another number. “Hey, Hansel?”

The man sounded like he just woke up, as he yawned. “Yeah?”

“Where’s Gretel?”

“I dunno.”

“She’s hanging with an Unseelie in the dark forest. He gave her some mushrooms and now—“

“A faerie?!” he gasped as his voice sounded less tired.

“Yup. She wants to carry his little pixie babies.”

“No way in the Seven Hells will my little sister screw a monster!” He hung up.

I flipped back to Novu, but Gretel answered, “He’s a little bit chained up at the moment.”

“Remember, Gretel, enthusiastic consent is sexy. Without it, you’re lower than mud.”

“I know,” she said sweetly. “He’ll be begging for it soon enough.”

“You gave him a mushroom, didn’t you?”

She laughed, a bright trill of excitement. “Fair is fair. He drugged my food, so I made sure he gets to enjoy what he gave.”

“Wait. He broke the Law of Hospitality?”

“Mmhm.”

“Make him squirm.”

“I think three days chained inside an iron ring would do him some good.”

“Your brother is on his way. You got something to relieve your symptoms?”

She chuckled. “These mushrooms haven’t worked on me since the Witch’s cabin incident.”

“Can you put me on speaker phone?”

“Of course.” She paused for a second. “Ready.”

“Hey, Novu. Get wrecked, scrub.” I hung up the phone and continued grinding in my game.

[writinginthecarloop]

010- Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control: Jack

“Jack, be nimble. Jack, be quick…” I swung the candelabra at the Jack. “Jack got murdered by the candlestick.” I smiled and wiped the black blood from my cheek. I tossed the bent metal candle holder to the side and whistled.

Jack came out of the shadows. “Another one?”

“I’m not the one who decided to try to trick a witch. Help me toss him into a dumpster and be done with this.”

Jack grabbed his doppelgänger’s shoulders and torso, while I grabbed the corpse’s feet.

We lifted the body up and carried it outside. We laid it on the prepared tarp and rolled him up.

Jill peeked around the corner. “Will you two hurry it up? I don’t want to get caught with a dead body on our hands.”

“It’d go faster if you helped,” I grumbled.

“I laid out the tarp and am keeping watch,” she snapped back.

“Can you both stop? It’s creepy looking down at my own lifeless face.” Jack tried to wrap the body up but struggled to roll it.

“You’re doing it wrong,” I said as I pushed him aside. “You gotta roll them up like a burrito. Tuck in both sides of the tarp like this.” I laid the top and bottom over the corpse’s face and feet. “Then roll.”

He helped me roll the body until it reached the end of the tarp.

“Finally, you have to tie the tarp down,” I explained, threading rope around the body and tarp to keep it from flapping in the wind.

“How’s you get so good at taking care of dead bodies?” he asked with a queer look in his eyes, like maybe I would turn on him.

“I’ve done it enough times to know the best techniques,” I replied without a care. “Open the dumpster.”

He nodded and tried to roll the lip up. “It’s stuck.”

“Really? I’ve gotta do everything?” I shoved my sleeves to my upper arms and climbed onto the dumpster. I grabbed the lid and pulled as hard as I could. “It’s stuck,” I repeated his words.

Jill ran over. “We gotta hurry. Someone’s coming!” She hopped up next to me and between the three of us, we finally got the damned thing open.

We hopped down and tossed the body bag into the nice and clean dumpster.

I gave the corpse some final words, “Rest in peace, Jack. May the dump be too good for you.”

Jack huffed. “You know I’m standing right here, right?”

“So? I’ll say the same thing at your funeral one day.” I took my gloves off.

He shuddered.

I wiped my hands on my pants. “And we’re done.”

“Hide!” Jill hissed as she dragged Jack and I behind a trio of trash cans.

The man walked down the alley and blew out a ring of smoke from his vape. He clicked something in his hands and the dumpster lit up. He climbed into the front of the vehicle and drove off.

“Oh shit,” Jill whispered.

I sighed. “Jack, be nimble, or we’re fucked. Jack, go catch that cyber truck.”

[writinginthecarloop]

009 - So, You've Raised an Ancient Evil

This was based on the gif where Captain America flipped the chair around to talk to kids about being a hero. Except my brain went elsewhere.

“So.” The military man in the video pulled up a chair and flipped it around. He sat down in it backwards, legs straddled on either side of the seat. He wore fatigues, and his blond hair was shaved close to his head. “You raised an ancient evil. Maybe you said a spell, or sacrificed a soul to the God Below, or maybe you just drank too much and toyed with an Ouija board—”

“Damn it, get to the point already!” I yelled at the small screen. 

Roars and shouts rumbled through the shafts of the bunker. Gun fire ratta-tatta’ed and echoed down the long metallic hallway walls. Screams, squelching, then silence blared all around me.

“Hurry up!” I wanted to scream to the man on the tiny television, but it was no use. He could not hear my pleas. I ran my fingers through my black hair and pulled on the follicles close to my scalp to try to mitigate the migraine that threatened to rip my head apart.

“No matter how you did it, it’s done.” He swung his leg over the chair and stood up. He picked up and tossed the chair to the side. “How could you?” he shrieked at the camera. “Don’t you know what you’ve done?” 

“No, shit, which is why I’m watching this damn video,” I grumbled, hoping he would quickly get to the point.

Claws and chains scraped along the cement ground as the thing came closer. There were no other sounds, no other signs of life from the people who had fought against this creature. There was nothing but the heavy footfalls and the dragging claws. 

“Since you caused this, here’s what you have to do. Think about how you raised the ancient evil being. If you did it through a spell, you find the counter spell. If it was through sacrifice, you have to find a greater one to put it back down. If you opened the portal through the Ouija board, you—”

The screen went black. 

“No.” I smacked the TV, thinking that it would jumpstart the damn thing. “No!” I ripped the disc out of the player and broke it in half.

I only saw my reflection in the dark glass. My yellow eyes glowed in the dying light of the bunker. “It must have gotten to the power supply,” I said to myself. Of course, it was to myself. I was the only one left, the only person still alive.

Something pounded at the vault door. I leapt in fear away from the TV and the door to the hallway. Indentations appeared every time it tried to punch its way into the small room where I was hiding. I shrank away from the creature and looked around to find a way out. Everything in my vision glowed a soft gold, despite the darkness that fell over me and the room.

“All right. No time to panic.” The thing rhythmically knocked on the door. It was almost hypnotizing in its metronome beat. “Spell, counter spell. Sacrifice, bigger sacrifice. Ouija? More Ouija?” It was the only thing I had to go on, so it would have to do. 

I saw the board lying on the ground on the other side of the room. “Time to get to work.” I scrambled to it and sat cross legged with my fingers on the planchette. I stared at the door and waited.

***

Blood…

Meat…

Terror…

Fear…

It wondered why it had been brought to this plane. Its long arms scraped the ground with its knuckles and claws. Its head was almost like a long-toothed cat with slits for eyes. The dark purple scales that covered its tall hulking body glinted in the light. Black spikes trailed down from its hunched shoulders, to its rounded back, then down to its long tail that ended with six poisonous quills.

Where is it?

It sniffed the air, hunting its prey. It could not see, but its sense of smell and hearing overcompensated for the lack of sight. It did not care about the tiny buzzing bees that tried to penetrate its skin. They stung it, but they would never pierce through the metallic scales. 

Finally…

It found the scent trail it had followed to get here. The one who called it from the Abyss of Oblivion. The warm, musky smell that promised it freedom for the right price.

More of the ratta-tatta insects attacked it. Annoyed, it swept a hand with its talon claws to knock over the Kevlar covered creatures. They fell to the ground on either side of it. 

It lumbered toward the object of its hunt. Silence filled the corridor. The annoyances from the bugs finished, and it no longer concerned itself with the things that smelled like piss and horror. It took long, slow steps. Each thump of its feet on the cold hard Earth radiated through the metallic halls. Its clows dragged on the ground, though it wondered how the sound would change if it raised its arms and grazed them against the walls. 

A pair of voices came from the other side of a thick door. Sparks of white fire crackled on the panel next to the vault. It reached out and tore the thin door off the hinges. It slid a long finger along the sparks, ripping away the wires that carried light and electricity into the room behind the vault’s door.

It tried to open the door with the handle, but it was locked from the inside. That did not bother it. It had all of the time in the world to get to its prey. It slammed its hands against the door. Deep dents appeared under its fists. Time passed by, maybe minutes, maybe hours, but it kept pounding.

The vault finally broke. The torn metal holes gave the creature the weakness it needed. Its claw ripped the door off the hinges. It raised its head higher and stood up straighter. The air was potent with the scent of the thing it was tracking. Its face split into a wide needle-toothed smile. “You cannot hide from me,” its horrifically deep voice rumbled through the air. 

It looked over to the woman with black hair and yellow eyes. “You will regret what you have done.” It was fast, despite the size of the creature. In two giant steps, it was within spitting distance. After another one, it reached for her.

***

“Return to Hell,” my voice was strong as its claws stopped less than an inch from my nose. 

Its face contorted in rage and pain. A spiraling black portal opened up under its feet. “No!” it screamed in a strange mixture of high and low pitch. It fell back in the Abyss of Oblivion, and threshold to Hell closed.

I breathed a sigh of relief. I stood up and looked into the mirror. A small smile played on my lips. “Now that I got rid of the Gatekeeper and the video telling people how to get rid of me, I think it’s time to have some fun here on Earth.” 

I watched the woman’s soul try to escape from under my influence. I tched my tongue against my teeth. “Don’t be like that. You thought you were talking with your dead husband, but everyone knows that unless you bless your Ouija board, anything can come through. But you don’t have to worry about a thing, darling. I won’t do anything to harm you.”

I straightened my jacket and shirt, wiped the dust off my skirt, and pulled my hair back into a braid. “After all, you are the one who raised an ancient evil.” I left the vault.

[writinginthecarloop]

008 - Pawn E2 of Wonderland

My phone rang, the loud bell clanging within the body of the rotary dial. I picked up the receiver and yawned, “Hullo?”

“We have a breach,” the monotone voice said on the other side. “Report to the Queen of Spades for mission details.” The other person hung up.

I put the phone back on the cradle and stretched, my legs shaking from the strain. I got out of bed with another yawn and felt my way to the bathroom to get ready. I flicked the light on, blinding myself. I stared at the bags under my red eyes and pressed my forehead against the mirror.

“Who the hell is trying to escape now?” I grumbled as I fumbled for the hair brush. I dragged the bristles through my short white hair, pulling it back into a high ponytail, only enough to make a puffball at the top of my crown. I brushed my teeth and took care of other business, then washed my hands.

I walked back to my bedroom and dressed in all black with the dark red under bust waistcoat with its copper pocket watch. I placed the shining four-suit insignia broach on my chest, showing off my place in the court. I grabbed the set of copper knives, strapping them to my hip and outer thighs. I added the copper cuffs to my wrists with their opposing obsidian and moonstone magic gems glittering in the low light.

I left my house, grabbing a green juice from the fridge on the way out the door. I chugged it down as I hopped on the ouroboros millipede train, its gajillion feet skittering along the tracks.

The train swiveled and swerved through the streets with patrons hopping on and off at their closest jumps. The continuous loop of serpentine cars kept the populace on the go, never stopping except under the command of the White Queen.

[writinginthecarloop]

007 - Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control - Werewolves

“My little soda pop,” I sang, danced, and clapped twice with the song.

The phone rang.

I paused the music and picked it up, “Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control. What’s buggin’ ya?”

“Hello? Hi. Um, what do you do when your boyfriend starts acting weird?” the girl on the line asked with a hint of worry in her voice.

“I’m not an advice column, but I’ll give helpin’ ya a shot. It depends on what you mean by weird. Picking up a new hobby like video games is pretty normal, you just set time limits or learn to play with him. If he picks up an instrument, just be careful it’s not a trumpet or trombone because then he’s joining a ska band. Clarinets are fine because that’s jazz. If he’s talking about ‘high-value women’ or ‘alpha males,’ break up with him. There’s no saving someone that far gone.”

“It’s none of those things, though,” she said with a sigh.

“All right, what’s going on, hon?”

“He’s sprouting fur and a tail!”

“Ah, ok. I get it. He’s picked up a kink and wants to play the big bad wolf while you’re his little red riding hood,” I replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Make sure you ask him what a big coc—”

“He’s not saying anything, but he’s been howling and—” she stopped talking as a howl echoed through the speaker of the phone, followed by less loud ones. “Oh, god, there’s more of them.”

“Oh, wait. Hang on.” I checked my calendar. “It’s a full moon outside, isn’t it?”

“Well, yeah.”

“How long have you been dating him?”

“A few weeks now.”

“Ok, he’s a werewolf, and he’s calling the rest of his pack.”

“Oh my god!”

“It’ll be fine. Here’s what you do. You grab a ball and throw it as hard as you can.”

“Ok, I’ll try that.” A few minutes later, she came back on the phone. “He’s been running after it and bringing it back along with the other wolves.” She laughed. “This is kinda fun.”

“This part is important part. Do not, under any circumstances, pretend to throw the ball and keep it with you.”

“Look at them go! I didn’t even throw it that time.” She laughed at the wolves.

I face palmed. “You might want to start runnin’.”

“Huh? Why? Wait. Why are you coming closer while growling like that?”

I dragged my fingers along my face. “You did the one thing that would piss them off. Do you have meat in your house?”

“Yeah, in the garage freezer.” Her voice sounded muffled, like she covered the receiver with her hand. “Stay back, you filthy mutt!”

“Get the meat and throw it to them. They’ll eat it and leave you alone, as long as there’s enough.”

“Down! Down, boy! Sit!” she kept yelling at the wolves. “Ouch! You bit me, you asshole!” She cussed a bunch, then said, “Here! No! Don’t jump up on me! Ew! Gross! Stop licking me!”

“They’ll be your best friends forever now that you fed them. But you might want to invest in a nice sturdy robe and extra strength chew toys.”

“Why?”

“No reason. Have a good night and a happy puppy cuddle.” I hung up on her and turned the music back on. “Gotta drink every drop.”

*clapclap*

[writinginthecarloop]

006 - Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control - Vampire Infestation

Idea came from: https://www.tumblr.com/voyagerprobe/186881223033/just-saw-a-post-saying-a-castle-was-infested-with

I tossed a popcorn piece in the air and tried to catch it in my mouth. I missed a few times before getting it right as the phone rang. I picked it up off the cradle, munching on the fluffy popcorn. “Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control. What’s bugging’ ya?”

“Hi, this is Cameron Black, patriarch of the Clan Black.”

“What can I do for ya, Mr. Black?”

“I just purchased a castle, and there’s an infestation of vampires—”

I sighed. “Mr. Black, were they there when ya bought the place?”

“Well, yeah, but—”

“Then there’s nothing I can do about it until they continue their migration.”

“What?”

“Vampires are a protected species, and old castles are their natural habitats. Any and all attempts to remove them will result in fines, bloodletting, and possible jail time if one of them is hurt in the removal process.”

“So, what am I supposed to do then?” He sounded pissed.

“You’ll just have to wait until they move on. Once they leave, I can set up vampire prevention measures to keep more from coming into your castle.”

“How long will it take for them to leave?”

“It depends on how long they’ve been there. Could be years or a few centuries.”

“Centuries?” he shouted into the phone.

I cleaned out my ear with my pinky and flicked the wax into the trash, then cleaned my hand with a wet wipe. “That’s right, Mr. Black. But you should have seen that there were vampires in the castle in your purchase paperwork. If doesn’t say that, contact your title insurance—”

“I don’t have title insurance!” he snapped.

“Then the best that you can do is either wait it out or see if you can sell it to someone. But if you don’t have that there’s vampires in the paperwork, you can be sued by the buyers.”

“Who would want to buy a castle infested with blood suckers?”

“I don’t know, Mr. Black. Maybe somebody with more dollars than cents,” I punned. I glanced out the window to watch the setting sun. “Mr. Black, are you at the castle now?”

“Of course not!” he bragged, as a large iron gate slammed shut near him, loud enough I heard it on the phone. “I’m in the courtyard.”

The sun dipped below the horizon. 

“What was that?” he demanded. “Show yourself!”

I sighed again. “Mr. Black, you should get back in your car.”

“Wait! Don’t! Stop!” He screamed, then gurgled, finally falling to silence.

“Hello?” a cultured male’s voice asked.

“Look, dude, you can’t keep selling the castle to random rich idiots to feast on,” I grumbled.

The man laughed, warm and cozy with a hint of danger. “But it’s easier than ordering takeout.”

“That’s because you ate the last few delivery drivers that came to your castle.”

It sounded like he was picking his teeth. “Rich guys are tastier than drivers. Their fat is more marbled than the stringy meat of a worker.”

I smacked my palm to my face. “One of these days, you’re going to eat the wrong person, and they’re just going to burn the castle down without caring about the consequences.”

“As long as they keep calling you, we’ll be okay.”

“Seriously, lose my card.” I hung up and tossed another piece of popcorn into the air.

[writinginthecarloop]

005 - Hanging By a Thread Excerpt

This is a part of a story I’ve been working on and finally got some inspo to do.

Hanging By a Thread is about an Exorcist who uses thread to bind ghosts and demons to send them to the Otherside or back to the Depths. She works under Lord Death and has been working alongside her ex-fiancé (Ethan) in a series of demon summonings.

Just a little note: Exorcists tend to die early because they take betrayals to the soul and too many will shatter them. Their world turns grey (literally), and they lose every care in the world. They usually die young because when they’re shattered, they don’t have any self preservation to keep them alive

017

“And who is this?” the Unseelie Fae lowered her glasses as she looked at Ethan. Her silver ethereal eyes were just a little too big, her teeth a little too sharp, and her dark skin and hair were a little too shadowed.

“My friend,” I answered carefully.

“His name?”

“Ahriman,” the demon replied using Ethan’s voice. “And any attempt to harm my host or my pet will be met with hellfire and darkness.”

The Fae long-blinked. “So be it.” She crossed her long legs over one another. “What brings Lord Death’s Liaison to my humble business?”

“She is broken, and I need to know how to fix her.” Ahriman guided me forward, taking the reins on the situation.

“Come close, then.” She held her hands out to me, her fingernails pointed into claws.

I stepped up, and she grabbed each side of my face and closed her eyes.

“This is worse than I thought,” she said as she let go of me. “Have you ever tried to repair glass that’s been shattered?” She picked up her water glass and held it.

“No? Usually you throw it away,” I said with a shrug.

She dropped her glass on the ground. “You, my dear, are glass that has been turned to diamond dust.” She crushed it under her heeled foot to illustrate her point. “How you’re still alive, I guess has to do with Lord Death’s blessing over you.” She eyed Ahriman. “And I guess that demon as well.”

“So? How do we fix her?” Ahriman asked impatiently.

“You don’t.” She pointed at me. “Only she can fix herself. You can put as much glue as you want to hold her together, but ultimately, the healing has to come from her soul.”

“What do I need to do?”

“Forgive.” Her simple answer made me choke on air.

“What?”

“Forgive those who betrayed you.”

I glanced over at Ethan. “I already have.”

She shook her head. “I’ve been inside your head, child. I’ve seen what you seen, felt what you felt. You have more anger, hatred, and guilt than many other people I’ve dealt with. You have to wade through the small betrayals to find the ones who you need to forgive. But that will only repair the smaller cracks,” she warned. “You have to go to the source of your pain and confront it to allow his power to recreate you fully.” She gathered the glass fragments together, melted them into hot goop using her magic incense warmer and made a new glass.

I stared at the new glass in her hand. “I don’t know where to start,” I whispered.

“Then you’ll need to keep tall, dark, and dangerous, here—” She thumbed to Ahriman inside Ethan. “—and his host to keep you together and alive. Every little bit of danger and power, and you’ll break into dust.” She then shot a look to Ethan and Ahriman. “And you two need to be careful when using your power around her. Especially you, demon, because the closer she is to your wonton use of power, the worse she’ll be.”

“How do you suggest she get started on finding who started her cracks?” Ethan broke through to ask.

“Same way you start every story. From the beginning.”

He thought about it. “You said that you first heard them at the wedding.”

I nodded. “Yup. When the groom walked off.”

He winced. “Then I’m most likely the person you can’t forgive.”

The Unseelie Fae dropped her pen. “You left her at the altar?”

I stopped her line of thinking, “Except I have forgiven you, because you explained why, and I accepted it.”

“Then what happened?” the Unseelie asked, as if she was waiting for more gossip.

“I was ostracized from our community and my family.”

“Ouch. All because lover boy ditched you?” She picked her pen up.

I snorted to bite back the tears that decided to try to escape. “Would you marry someone who had their fiancé walk out at the wedding?”

She thought about it, holding her pen to her lips. “It wouldn’t get that far. I would’ve broken his kneecaps to keep him there.”

[writinginthecarloop]

004 -

This is a further later part of the Robin Hood story from part 003. This part does include spoilers if you do not want to read below. 

“You can’t fix this!” I screamed at the three men, my heart tearing to shreds from the capture of my people. “The world is broken, and there’s nothing a washed-up Wizard, a forgotten King, or a disgraced Knight can do about it!”

None of them said anything in return, each not meeting my eyes.

I grabbed my face in my hands as I collapsed to the ground.

Arthur reached forward to catch me but hesitated.

I cried as I tried to think of any way that would save my people from the Emperor’s vengeance. The rebellion was mine to uphold, and my people will be the ones to pay the price of its failure.

“He’s going to execute them,” I said through my weeping tears. “And they’re innocent, damn it!”

“We didn’t think that—“ Merlin started to say, but I cut him off.

“You’re damn right you didn’t think! I told you that there was no going against the Emperor, but you three gave me ideas and hope! Now, I have to decide whether to sacrifice my people or myself to appease the bastard!” I knew what I needed to do and what I was willing to do. I pulled myself up to my feet, hot tears streaming down my cheeks. “Go back to Avalon. Go back to that utopia where you had no worries or cares about others around you. You’d never survive in the wastelands without a guide, and I’m done trying to help.” I pushed passed the three of them, but Modred grabbed my upper arm.

“We can still fight this,” he said.

I shook my head. “No, we can’t. And don’t try to make me believe that there is anything left in the world but despair.” I yanked my arm from him and left them in the cave to decide their own fates.

I wandered through the hunks of metal that lined the cracked asphalt from bygone times. I dried my face when I found the Sheriff standing at the entrance of the castle town. “Sheriff.”

He tilted his hat to me. “Robin. Are you here to turn yourself in?”

“No, but Princess Olivia is.” I put my arms in front of me.

He snapped irons on my wrists. “I wish it could have gone any other way, your Highness, but the game stops here.” He led me through the streets, a parade of shame for the jeering masses.

After an hour, he took me into the castle, the building of stone and steel that acted as my prison for most of my life until I became Robin Hood. The nobles who sided with the Emperor spoke behind their hands to gossip about the mess I made.

I stared at the ground, no longer feeling like I could fix the kingdom that the war between the Emperor and my family ripped apart.

“Announcing Sheriff Philip and Princess Olivia,” the guard shouted into the throne room as his fellows opened the giant doors.

The broken tile gleamed under the candlelight as the filthy carpet, stained with blood, met my feet.

I stood up straight and pulled myself from the Sheriff. “I can walk the rest of the way.”

He stayed close in case it was a trap, but at least he listened.

I marched up to the base if the raise dais, standing tall with all the dignity and grace of the Princess of a fallen kingdom.

“Ah, if it isn’t my favorite knave. Come to steal from me again?” the Emperor asked with humor in his voice. He tossed some coins to me. “I am magnanimous, Princess. I would’ve just given it to you without this kind of bloodshed. Instead, you chose treason. How do you plead?”

I stared straight into his eyes. “I plead guilty but request leniency for the innocent people who are charged for my crimes.”

“No!” Gwain yelled from where he and the rest of the knights were bound by chains.

“Leniency?” He laughed, the other nobles adding their nervous voices to his. He stood up and walked down to me, standing over me. “You ask for clemency, yet you don’t even know how to ask.” He leaned down and whispered in my ear, “Kneel before me, Princess.” He backed up and waited to see what I do.

I struggled to get to my knees, so the Emperor helped me by kicking the back of my legs. I fell forward with bruising force.

He put his foot on my shoulder and pushed my chest and face to the floor. “Now, that’s better. Ask me again what you want.”

I gritted my teeth but spoke with a clear voice, “Your Imperial Majesty, could you find it in your magnanimous soul to accept my guilt and release those who have been accused of my crime?”

He took his foot off of me, but I stayed still, praying that he would be pleased enough to do as I asked. “You say they’re innocent?”

“Yes, your Greatness.”

“What about the innocent people your side killed?”

I blinked and sat up, unsure what he was talking about, “What—“

“I’m talking about the people killed for your rebellion!” he roared. “Those who died because of your foolish crusade. You ask for those on your side to be saved, while never thinking anything about those you and yours murdered!” He grabbed me by the collar and pulled me to my feet. “You plead for them, but what of the blood they shed for you? Are you claiming their sins as yours?”

“Is it a sin to stand up to tyranny and those who fight to protect it?”

He backhanded me hard enough that I fell back to the ground, my mouth bleeding. He drew his sword and pointed it at my throat. He shifted his hand and cut my face instead. “If you had shown any sense of guilt, I might’ve accepted your plea. But there’s no remorse in your heart.” He looked to the knights. “Execute them all.”

[writinginthecarloop]

003 - Robin Hood Escape

This one is the start of a dystopian King Arthur x Robin Hood story. I had the idea in my head driving towards the car loop.

Kinda also want to write an enemies to lovers with Robin x Sheriff of Nottingham

“Come out, come out, wherever you are, Robin,” the Sheriff called out with a chuckle. “You can’t hide forever. We’ll find you soon enough, thief.” He stood on the cliff side above me; his voice muted in the rain.

I felt along the precipice with the tip of my toes to make sure I did not accidentally step off the few inch wide trail. 

“Find her!” He commanded his men, a hint of annoyed anger in his voice.

The rain made the rocks slick under my feet. One misstep and I would fall to my death in the raging river below. I pressed my back as close to the cliff as physically possible, praying that the rain would hide me.

“Got you now, Little Birdy,” he called as he squatted down.

One of his men drew their bow and nocked the arrow.

“You have a choice. You can come with me quietly, or you can see if birds can swim in rain-swelled rapids.” He put his hand out to me, an offering of safety. “I’ll even make sure you get to the capital alive, you know, for old times’ sake.”

“How noble of you, Sheriff,” I replied with a smile. “But I think I’ll have to find a third option.”

He laughed. “You don’t have anywhere left to go. You’re out of room on that cliff, out of time, and I’m running out of patience.”

“You know,” I stared out into the water, “they say there was a king and a wizard who lived in this area. Don’t you wish that you could’ve seen that time? Before the world fell to hell?”

His smile fell. “What a fairytale. I thought you would’ve outgrown those kinds of stories.”

I grinned. “Stories of hope are the best kinds of stories. It’s sad that you can’t believe in them anymore.”

He ran his hand through his soaked hair. “Enough, Robin. Your time is up, and the Emperor demands your presence.”

“I wish that we could’ve stayed friends, Phillip.”

He sighed, reaching for me again. “You shouldn’t have crossed the Emperor or stolen the crown. Then we could’ve stayed friends.”

I gave the sheriff one last look. “Good-bye, Phillip.” I stepped off the ledge and took my chance with the river. I inhaled just before plunging into the water. 

“Damn it!” The sheriff screamed. “Don’t let her get away!”

I tried to swim but the current was too strong against my injured arm and leg. I slammed into rocks, barely keeping above the surface to take small sips of air. I fell under the whitecaps as the river hit the rapids, swirling and flowing around the boulders that churned the water. My head hit a stone, and it took everything I had to stay awake. 

When the river slowed into a lake, I crawled out onto the beach and laid on my back to catch my breath. 

Thundering hoofbeats announced the coming guards to capture me. 

I scrambled to my feet, unsteady and wavering.

The Sheriff’s voice echoed, “Find her body, or it’ll be your heads!”

I moved into the edge of the forest as a towering black horse with its rider skid to a stop near where I had been laying.

Phillip hopped off his horse and touched the blood on the bank. He checked around, maybe looking for a trail. “Spread out. She’s here somewhere. She’s hurt and won’t be able to run any longer.”

[writinginthecarloop]

002 - Pop, Rock, and Drop It.

This might’ve been inspired by K-Pop Demon Hunters (mostly just the rivalry between the two singing groups). Will mostly likely use this to start a longer romance novel

“For your senior capstones, I’ve already picked out everyone’s partners, and we’ll trust the wheel for your genre.” The teacher smiled as she dropped a tactical warhead on our foreheads. She read off the names of the pairs of music students, mixing everyone up outside of their comfort zone and genre.

“Bree, you’re with Bryce, and your genre is…” She spun the wheel in the front of the class. “Country music.”

A few of the other kids snickered, no one as badly paired up as that asshole and me.

I tried to smile to the black-haired boy sitting in the back of the class with his metal head friends, but I’m sure it looked more like a snarl.

He lowered his sunglasses, winked, then put them back up.

I gritted my teeth and turned back to face the front of the classroom. The pencil I held snapped in half from my grip.

My frenemy nudged me. “Rough luck, Breezy.”

Of course it was tough luck. She got the hottest guy in the music school and her preferred genre.

I plastered on the smile that my mother taught me to use when I needed to hide my emotions. “I’m sure it’ll be okay, Natasha.”

She patted my arm, a glint of feral malice in her blue eyes. Her blonde hair glistened in the classroom light, accenting her perfect looks.

“Class dismissed. I expect you to collaborate with your partners outside of class and be ready to perform your work at the Showcase at the end of the year,” the teacher announced. “Show the rest of the school what our seniors are capable of.”

I grabbed my stuff and shoved it all into my backpack. I wanted to stomp out of the class, but the dance lessons instilled on me from an early age only allowed me to gracefully escape the room. I walked to my locker and packed my backpack inside to swap it out for my gym bag.

The locker next to me rattled when Bryce slammed his palm into it, trapping me under his towering figure.

“So, I’m stuck with you.” He leaned down, like he was trying to get a closer look.

“Not sure why you’re saying it like that when you’re the one who’s going to drag my grades down,” I replied and shut my locker door. I turned and faced him. “Don’t fuck this up, or I’ll make sure you regret it.”

He backed away with his hands in front of his chest. “Oh, I didn’t realize the kitten could bite back.”

“I’ve spent too long and hard getting into this program just to be paired with a slacker.” I bumped into his upper arm with my shoulder. “You might not care about the Showcase, but I do.”

He turned and leaned against the wall of metal. “Who says I don’t care?”

I spun around to face him, appraising him. “Then you better pull your weight. Since it’s just the two of us, we don’t have the option of relying on a band like you normally would.” I grabbed the marker from my bag and scribbled my number on his hand. “I’ve gotta go.” I clicked the marker shut and ran towards my strength and flex class.

[writinginthecarloop]

001 Wedding Troubles with a JustNoMIL

The veil covered my face, concealing in a misty tone the mask of my bridal makeup. I gripped my bouquet of décor matching flowers as I listened to the wailing coming from the front of the aisle. I put on my best smile, trying to ignore the headache from the wild bachelorette party last night.

“Ugh, I knew I should’ve taken more vitamin M this morning,” my sister and maid of honor complained as she winced from the noise.

“Just pretend they aren’t there,” my father suggested. “This moment is about you and your almost husband, not those harpies.”

“More like banshees,” my sister corrected.

“It’s time,” the wedding coordinator started the music, and the bridal party began its procession.

I waited, silently agreeing with my sister that I should have take more painkillers. Who the hell acts like a funeral at a wedding?

“And go,” the wedding coordinator timed my entrance with my dad.

Both sides stood up to their feet, the music changing and swelling to my chosen song.

“My dearest friend, if you don’t mind, I’d like to join you by your side…” the ending reprise to Nightmare Before Christmas played.

The two women sitting in the front row on my fiancé’s side became unbearably loud, drowning out the melody and words.

I sighed, the smile fading slightly on my lips.

“We can leave, if you want to,” my dad reminded me in a whisper out the side of my mouth. “I’ll eat the costs, if it comes down to it.”

I shook my head, barely a movement under the veil. He’ll stop them, right? I glared at the two women, one in a black gown and veil, the other in a white dress similar to mine.

They just howled with fake tears and pleas.

Dad patted my arm as we reached the end of the aisle, where my fiancé stood tall.

Why isn’t he saying anything to them? I handed the bouquet to my sister.

His eyes filled with tears as he took my hands from my father’s. “You look beautiful,” he said in a low voice.

The woman in black, his mother, must have heard him, because, somehow, she became more hysterical.

I narrowed my eyes and motioned towards her with them.

He did not say anything, but the slight opening of his mouth told me he understood what I wanted. He turned us towards the officiant, my best friend from high school.

The officiant cleared his throat, using his theater voice to talk louder than the weeping willows in the first row. “We are gathered here today…”

My mind wandered as I listened to the almost-shrieking of the woman in white, my fiancé’s ex. Is this how it’s going to be? He promised how he would step in when his mother, sister, and ex tried to stir up trouble. I doubt anyone can even hear our vows with how loud they’re being.

I thought about the wedding planning process and how much I gave his mother control over everything. Online people said that if I gave in now, then it would only get worse. I should’ve believed them.

His mother chose the venue, the food, the colors, the flowers, the cake, even my dress.

He swore that after the wedding he would put his foot down and grow a spine.

I glanced at him as he stared ahead at the officiant to better hear the speech. How can he stand so straight with a wet noodle for a spine? I wondered.

“I’ve never seen two people as in love with each other than these two,” my friend announced to the crowd.

But is love all that we need? Can it survive without confidence, without understanding, without boundaries? Is this what the rest of our lives will look like? Is this what I want?

“Lawfully wedded husband?” the officiant asked.

“No,” I mumbled, not paying attention to the words he was saying.

The crowd of family and friends gasped, even the two women stopped screeching.

“What happened?” the ex asked someone around them.

“What?” My fiancé’s eyes widened, his jaw dropping.

My friend cleared his throat. “Are you sure? I can repeat the question, if you want.”

I shook my head. “That’s not necessary.” I grabbed the bouquet back from my maid of honor and threw it at his ex. “Let’s be honest, this is your wedding. I’m just the stand-in.”

“What are you saying?” my fiancé finally realized that I was serious.

“The only thing I wanted out of this wedding was for us to say our vows in front of our friends and family. Instead, everyone only gets to listen to these two wailing like you’re dead in a casket. I gave her everything under the guise of it’ll get better, like you promised. You couldn’t even say anything when I needed you to stop them. So, the answer is ‘no.’ I will not take you as my lawfully wedded husband.” I grabbed my dress, and my sister helped me carry the train back down the aisle.

[writinginthecarloop]

I write stories in the car loop while waiting for my Monsters to get out of school.

The school requires us to park while waiting for the last group of parents to finish grabbing their kids.