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@writinginthecarloop
Rhonda Update
I've decided to make a blog specifically for the Rhona Paranormal Pest Control stories, because I want to explore them more and need to keep them separated n my brain.
:)
I have moved the stories over to the new blog, so you'll see them again as I get new ideas.
Rhonda has a problem. A paranormal pest problem. Good thing she's a professional exterminator.
October 01: 92
In a dystopian future, a band of humans and friendly monsters join forces to reclaim Earth from evil entities.
012 – Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control: Catching Up
So, originally it was supposed to be a friend who called, but someone else decided that they wanted to chat instead
011- Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control: Faerie
I mashed buttons on the controller, hoping it would make the grinding go faster. I sighed, “Why is it such a pain in the ass to raise my Digimon’s ABI?”
The phone rang, pulling me from the monotony.
“Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control. What’s buggin’ ya?”
“Can I have your name?” a sultry male voice was like honey on my mind and ears asked.
“Nah. Nice try, Novu,” I replied to the faerie. “What’s up?” I kept battling to gain more experience to digivolve my monsters.
“I need your help.”
“That’s odd. Usually fae don’t need anything.”
A woman’s voice screeched in the background.
“Damn it,” Novu grumbled.
I paused my game. “This sounds serious.”
“She ate the mushrooms,” he said flatly.
“You mean the ones that you lot try to share with everyone for your enjoyment? How’s that a problem?”
“I wanna lick your lollipop!” she yelled.
“Back! Back you beast!” he growled, a sound almost too low for my ears, as he sounded like he struggled to push her away.
“Ah,” I chuckled.
“You know what the issue is?” he begged.
“Yup.” I unpaused my game and continued to battle. “You lured in a monsterfucker, and now you’re dealing with the consequences. We call this FAFO on the human side of things.”
“How do I make her stop?”
“Well, you could do that brain scrambling thing—“
“No, I can’t. The Seelie Queen will have my head if I mess with another human’s mind.”
“You could just poof and disappear.”
“Can’t do that either. She threw a ring of iron around us.”
“You could wait it out until she’s no longer high.”
“That would take ages!” he complained. “Ouch! Get off me, woman!”
“Finally, you could let her give you a blowjob since you gave her the mushrooms. That would complete the trade, which makes the spell wear off faster. I mean, she might enjoy your glitter goo.”
“You are gross!” He gagged at the thought.
“Tie me up, shadow daddy!” the woman’s rough voice itched my nerves.
“Quick question, Novu…”
“Yeah?”
“What’s she wearing?”
“I don’t know. Clothes?”
I facepalmed. “Describe them.”
“White button up shirt, plaid corset on the outside, and matching plaid skirt.”
“I need to you rip her bodice open and check for a tattoo on her chest.”
“What?”
“Just do it.”
He whined. After some shuffling, a few moans, and a couple groans, he finally answered, “It’s a lily.”
“Hang on a second. I’ve gotta put you on hold.”
“Don’t you dare—“
I flipped the switch and dialed another number. “Hey, Hansel?”
The man sounded like he just woke up, as he yawned. “Yeah?”
“Where’s Gretel?”
“I dunno.”
“She’s hanging with an Unseelie in the dark forest. He gave her some mushrooms and now—“
“A faerie?!” he gasped as his voice sounded less tired.
“Yup. She wants to carry his little pixie babies.”
“No way in the Seven Hells will my little sister screw a monster!” He hung up.
I flipped back to Novu, but Gretel answered, “He’s a little bit chained up at the moment.”
“Remember, Gretel, enthusiastic consent is sexy. Without it, you’re lower than mud.”
“I know,” she said sweetly. “He’ll be begging for it soon enough.”
“You gave him a mushroom, didn’t you?”
She laughed, a bright trill of excitement. “Fair is fair. He drugged my food, so I made sure he gets to enjoy what he gave.”
“Wait. He broke the Law of Hospitality?”
“Mmhm.”
“Make him squirm.”
“I think three days chained inside an iron ring would do him some good.”
“Your brother is on his way. You got something to relieve your symptoms?”
She chuckled. “These mushrooms haven’t worked on me since the Witch’s cabin incident.”
“Can you put me on speaker phone?”
“Of course.” She paused for a second. “Ready.”
“Hey, Novu. Get wrecked, scrub.” I hung up the phone and continued grinding in my game.
010- Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control: Jack
“Jack, be nimble. Jack, be quick…” I swung the candelabra at the Jack. “Jack got murdered by the candlestick.” I smiled and wiped the black blood from my cheek. I tossed the bent metal candle holder to the side and whistled.
Jack came out of the shadows. “Another one?”
“I’m not the one who decided to try to trick a witch. Help me toss him into a dumpster and be done with this.”
Jack grabbed his doppelgänger’s shoulders and torso, while I grabbed the corpse’s feet.
We lifted the body up and carried it outside. We laid it on the prepared tarp and rolled him up.
Jill peeked around the corner. “Will you two hurry it up? I don’t want to get caught with a dead body on our hands.”
“It’d go faster if you helped,” I grumbled.
“I laid out the tarp and am keeping watch,” she snapped back.
“Can you both stop? It’s creepy looking down at my own lifeless face.” Jack tried to wrap the body up but struggled to roll it.
“You’re doing it wrong,” I said as I pushed him aside. “You gotta roll them up like a burrito. Tuck in both sides of the tarp like this.” I laid the top and bottom over the corpse’s face and feet. “Then roll.”
He helped me roll the body until it reached the end of the tarp.
“Finally, you have to tie the tarp down,” I explained, threading rope around the body and tarp to keep it from flapping in the wind.
“How’s you get so good at taking care of dead bodies?” he asked with a queer look in his eyes, like maybe I would turn on him.
“I’ve done it enough times to know the best techniques,” I replied without a care. “Open the dumpster.”
He nodded and tried to roll the lip up. “It’s stuck.”
“Really? I’ve gotta do everything?” I shoved my sleeves to my upper arms and climbed onto the dumpster. I grabbed the lid and pulled as hard as I could. “It’s stuck,” I repeated his words.
Jill ran over. “We gotta hurry. Someone’s coming!” She hopped up next to me and between the three of us, we finally got the damned thing open.
We hopped down and tossed the body bag into the nice and clean dumpster.
I gave the corpse some final words, “Rest in peace, Jack. May the dump be too good for you.”
Jack huffed. “You know I’m standing right here, right?”
“So? I’ll say the same thing at your funeral one day.” I took my gloves off.
He shuddered.
I wiped my hands on my pants. “And we’re done.”
“Hide!” Jill hissed as she dragged Jack and I behind a trio of trash cans.
The man walked down the alley and blew out a ring of smoke from his vape. He clicked something in his hands and the dumpster lit up. He climbed into the front of the vehicle and drove off.
“Oh shit,” Jill whispered.
I sighed. “Jack, be nimble, or we’re fucked. Jack, go catch that cyber truck.”
009 - So, You've Raised an Ancient Evil
This was based on the gif where Captain America flipped the chair around to talk to kids about being a hero. Except my brain went elsewhere.
008 - Pawn E2 of Wonderland
My phone rang, the loud bell clanging within the body of the rotary dial. I picked up the receiver and yawned, “Hullo?”
“We have a breach,” the monotone voice said on the other side. “Report to the Queen of Spades for mission details.” The other person hung up.
I put the phone back on the cradle and stretched, my legs shaking from the strain. I got out of bed with another yawn and felt my way to the bathroom to get ready. I flicked the light on, blinding myself. I stared at the bags under my red eyes and pressed my forehead against the mirror.
“Who the hell is trying to escape now?” I grumbled as I fumbled for the hair brush. I dragged the bristles through my short white hair, pulling it back into a high ponytail, only enough to make a puffball at the top of my crown. I brushed my teeth and took care of other business, then washed my hands.
I walked back to my bedroom and dressed in all black with the dark red under bust waistcoat with its copper pocket watch. I placed the shining four-suit insignia broach on my chest, showing off my place in the court. I grabbed the set of copper knives, strapping them to my hip and outer thighs. I added the copper cuffs to my wrists with their opposing obsidian and moonstone magic gems glittering in the low light.
I left my house, grabbing a green juice from the fridge on the way out the door. I chugged it down as I hopped on the ouroboros millipede train, its gajillion feet skittering along the tracks.
The train swiveled and swerved through the streets with patrons hopping on and off at their closest jumps. The continuous loop of serpentine cars kept the populace on the go, never stopping except under the command of the White Queen.
007 - Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control - Werewolves
“My little soda pop,” I sang, danced, and clapped twice with the song.
The phone rang.
I paused the music and picked it up, “Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control. What’s buggin’ ya?”
“Hello? Hi. Um, what do you do when your boyfriend starts acting weird?” the girl on the line asked with a hint of worry in her voice.
“I’m not an advice column, but I’ll give helpin’ ya a shot. It depends on what you mean by weird. Picking up a new hobby like video games is pretty normal, you just set time limits or learn to play with him. If he picks up an instrument, just be careful it’s not a trumpet or trombone because then he’s joining a ska band. Clarinets are fine because that’s jazz. If he’s talking about ‘high-value women’ or ‘alpha males,’ break up with him. There’s no saving someone that far gone.”
“It’s none of those things, though,” she said with a sigh.
“All right, what’s going on, hon?”
“He’s sprouting fur and a tail!”
“Ah, ok. I get it. He’s picked up a kink and wants to play the big bad wolf while you’re his little red riding hood,” I replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Make sure you ask him what a big coc—”
“He’s not saying anything, but he’s been howling and—” she stopped talking as a howl echoed through the speaker of the phone, followed by less loud ones. “Oh, god, there’s more of them.”
“Oh, wait. Hang on.” I checked my calendar. “It’s a full moon outside, isn’t it?”
“Well, yeah.”
“How long have you been dating him?”
“A few weeks now.”
“Ok, he’s a werewolf, and he’s calling the rest of his pack.”
“Oh my god!”
“It’ll be fine. Here’s what you do. You grab a ball and throw it as hard as you can.”
“Ok, I’ll try that.” A few minutes later, she came back on the phone. “He’s been running after it and bringing it back along with the other wolves.” She laughed. “This is kinda fun.”
“This part is important part. Do not, under any circumstances, pretend to throw the ball and keep it with you.”
“Look at them go! I didn’t even throw it that time.” She laughed at the wolves.
I face palmed. “You might want to start runnin’.”
“Huh? Why? Wait. Why are you coming closer while growling like that?”
I dragged my fingers along my face. “You did the one thing that would piss them off. Do you have meat in your house?”
“Yeah, in the garage freezer.” Her voice sounded muffled, like she covered the receiver with her hand. “Stay back, you filthy mutt!”
“Get the meat and throw it to them. They’ll eat it and leave you alone, as long as there’s enough.”
“Down! Down, boy! Sit!” she kept yelling at the wolves. “Ouch! You bit me, you asshole!” She cussed a bunch, then said, “Here! No! Don’t jump up on me! Ew! Gross! Stop licking me!”
“They’ll be your best friends forever now that you fed them. But you might want to invest in a nice sturdy robe and extra strength chew toys.”
“Why?”
“No reason. Have a good night and a happy puppy cuddle.” I hung up on her and turned the music back on. “Gotta drink every drop.”
*clapclap*
006 - Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control - Vampire Infestation
Idea came from: https://www.tumblr.com/voyagerprobe/186881223033/just-saw-a-post-saying-a-castle-was-infested-with
005 - Hanging By a Thread Excerpt
This is a part of a story I’ve been working on and finally got some inspo to do.
Hanging By a Thread is about an Exorcist who uses thread to bind ghosts and demons to send them to the Otherside or back to the Depths. She works under Lord Death and has been working alongside her ex-fiancé (Ethan) in a series of demon summonings.
Just a little note: Exorcists tend to die early because they take betrayals to the soul and too many will shatter them. Their world turns grey (literally), and they lose every care in the world. They usually die young because when they’re shattered, they don’t have any self preservation to keep them alive
004 -
This is a further later part of the Robin Hood story from part 003. This part does include spoilers if you do not want to read below. 
003 - Robin Hood Escape
This one is the start of a dystopian King Arthur x Robin Hood story. I had the idea in my head driving towards the car loop.
Kinda also want to write an enemies to lovers with Robin x Sheriff of Nottingham
002 - Pop, Rock, and Drop It.
This might’ve been inspired by K-Pop Demon Hunters (mostly just the rivalry between the two singing groups). Will mostly likely use this to start a longer romance novel
001 Wedding Troubles with a JustNoMIL
The veil covered my face, concealing in a misty tone the mask of my bridal makeup. I gripped my bouquet of décor matching flowers as I listened to the wailing coming from the front of the aisle. I put on my best smile, trying to ignore the headache from the wild bachelorette party last night.
“Ugh, I knew I should’ve taken more vitamin M this morning,” my sister and maid of honor complained as she winced from the noise.
“Just pretend they aren’t there,” my father suggested. “This moment is about you and your almost husband, not those harpies.”
“More like banshees,” my sister corrected.
“It’s time,” the wedding coordinator started the music, and the bridal party began its procession.
I waited, silently agreeing with my sister that I should have take more painkillers. Who the hell acts like a funeral at a wedding?
“And go,” the wedding coordinator timed my entrance with my dad.
Both sides stood up to their feet, the music changing and swelling to my chosen song.
“My dearest friend, if you don’t mind, I’d like to join you by your side…” the ending reprise to Nightmare Before Christmas played.
The two women sitting in the front row on my fiancé’s side became unbearably loud, drowning out the melody and words.
I sighed, the smile fading slightly on my lips.
“We can leave, if you want to,” my dad reminded me in a whisper out the side of my mouth. “I’ll eat the costs, if it comes down to it.”
I shook my head, barely a movement under the veil. He’ll stop them, right? I glared at the two women, one in a black gown and veil, the other in a white dress similar to mine.
They just howled with fake tears and pleas.
Dad patted my arm as we reached the end of the aisle, where my fiancé stood tall.
Why isn’t he saying anything to them? I handed the bouquet to my sister.
His eyes filled with tears as he took my hands from my father’s. “You look beautiful,” he said in a low voice.
The woman in black, his mother, must have heard him, because, somehow, she became more hysterical.
I narrowed my eyes and motioned towards her with them.
He did not say anything, but the slight opening of his mouth told me he understood what I wanted. He turned us towards the officiant, my best friend from high school.
The officiant cleared his throat, using his theater voice to talk louder than the weeping willows in the first row. “We are gathered here today…”
My mind wandered as I listened to the almost-shrieking of the woman in white, my fiancé’s ex. Is this how it’s going to be? He promised how he would step in when his mother, sister, and ex tried to stir up trouble. I doubt anyone can even hear our vows with how loud they’re being.
I thought about the wedding planning process and how much I gave his mother control over everything. Online people said that if I gave in now, then it would only get worse. I should’ve believed them.
His mother chose the venue, the food, the colors, the flowers, the cake, even my dress.
He swore that after the wedding he would put his foot down and grow a spine.
I glanced at him as he stared ahead at the officiant to better hear the speech. How can he stand so straight with a wet noodle for a spine? I wondered.
“I’ve never seen two people as in love with each other than these two,” my friend announced to the crowd.
But is love all that we need? Can it survive without confidence, without understanding, without boundaries? Is this what the rest of our lives will look like? Is this what I want?
“Lawfully wedded husband?” the officiant asked.
“No,” I mumbled, not paying attention to the words he was saying.
The crowd of family and friends gasped, even the two women stopped screeching.
“What happened?” the ex asked someone around them.
“What?” My fiancé’s eyes widened, his jaw dropping.
My friend cleared his throat. “Are you sure? I can repeat the question, if you want.”
I shook my head. “That’s not necessary.” I grabbed the bouquet back from my maid of honor and threw it at his ex. “Let’s be honest, this is your wedding. I’m just the stand-in.”
“What are you saying?” my fiancé finally realized that I was serious.
“The only thing I wanted out of this wedding was for us to say our vows in front of our friends and family. Instead, everyone only gets to listen to these two wailing like you’re dead in a casket. I gave her everything under the guise of it’ll get better, like you promised. You couldn’t even say anything when I needed you to stop them. So, the answer is ‘no.’ I will not take you as my lawfully wedded husband.” I grabbed my dress, and my sister helped me carry the train back down the aisle.
I write stories in the car loop while waiting for my Monsters to get out of school.
The school requires us to park while waiting for the last group of parents to finish grabbing their kids.