#LifeisaJerk

Conversations with Life, the Universe and Everything.

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Hipster Kilroy for Team Unbreakable! This needs 100 notes by tomorrow folks!

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Tattoo #1

ME: I got a tattoo. LIFE: What? Why? ME: It's something my mom and I had been planning for a while.   LIFE: Right.  That's not weird at all. ME: It's a bonding thing. LIFE: ... ME: It's not like we got the same thing. LIFE: What's your tattoo? ME: It's a quote from David Foster Wallace -  LIFE: LOL ME: What? LIFE: Nothing. ME: ... LIFE: What's the quote? ME: I'm not telling you now. LIFE: It's on your skin forever.  I'll see it eventually. ME: "This is water." LIFE: What's that mean? ME: It's from a graduation speech he gave - it's about awareness and how we are in control of what has meaning in our lives.  Did you ever hear the story of two fish swimming along -  LIFE: OMG! One sentence or less!! ME: What? LIFE: I don't actually care! ME: But you asked. LIFE: I was being nice - boil it down to one sentence or less or shut the hell up. I don't have time for an essay. So? ME: ... LIFE: *Sigh*

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Thinking #1

LIFE: So were you thinking about me when you were lying on the grass? ME: When? LIFE: You were just outside, looking up at the palm trees. ME: Oh, right. LIFE: Your back hurt and you couldn't concentrate so you ran out the door and breathed in the sea air and felt the sunlight on your skin --  ME: --and walked up a ridiculous amount of stairs --  LIFE: --and you thought about me. Didn't you? ME: Sure. LIFE: Did you figure anything out? ME: Sure. LIFE: Like what? ME: Well...I figured out...that...you're... LIFE: Yeah? ME: ...kinda...really...neat? LIFE: You avoided me by posting on instagram, huh? ME: ...maybe... LIFE: FML.

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Meaning #1

ME: There's a lot of death in my writing.  What does that mean? LIFE: You watched too much X Files and read too many Goosebumps books.  Obvi. ME: I dreamed last night that the skin around my elbows was peeling away.  Big, thick slabs of skin.  What does that mean? LIFE: Use more lotion. LOL. ME: Sometimes, when I'm on a tall building looking down, I feel like my body is just going to make myself jump, without my consent.   What does that mean? LIFE: That's kinda weird, but - ME: Sometimes I want a donut but I know I shouldn't have the donut because I need to lose weight, but then I feel like I deserve the donut but then feel guilty about having the donut, even though I know we live in a society that sets ridiculous beauty standards on women that creates crazy body image issues and I shouldn't buy into all of that even though I kinda do because it's the world I live in.  What does that mean? LIFE: OMG Shut up!  I'm not this complicated!   ME: ... LIFE: Not everything means something, okay!  Some things just are! ME: ... LIFE: Just eat the damn donut.

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Fashion #1

ME: Here’s a list of everything a woman should have in her closet by 25.

LIFE: You read too many internet lists.

ME: I don’t have anything on this list – I’m not ready for any of these scenarios.  And I’m 29. I’m, like, four years behind.

LIFE: They say you should dress for the job you want.

ME: So?

LIFE: So are you an aspiring yoga teacher or beach bum? It’s hard to tell.

ME: I like to be comfortable…

LIFE: Or maybe you just always want to be ready for a workout?

ME: …

LIFE: When the next funeral or wedding or interview comes up, let’s hope the theme is “stretch fabric.” LOL.

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Pants #1

ME: Hey look, I got brand new beige pants! LIFE: Why that color? ME: Because I can't wear my jean jacket with jean pants so I have to get more pants that aren't jeans. LIFE: Uh huh. ME: I mean I don't know fashion at all, but I know I shouldn't wear a jean jacket with jean pants. LIFE: You should maybe not wear that jacket so much. ME: Should I switch it out with my old one?  The one with the elbows completely worn out? LIFE: No. ME: I still have my jean jacket from college and from high school.  Maybe those? LIFE: OMG NO. ME: But what else do I even have to wear? LIFE: (spills coffee over my new beige pants) ME: ... LIFE: Figure it out.

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David Tennant #1

ME: I'm doing everything wrong. LIFE: No you're not! ME: I screw up everything I touch. LIFE: No way! I mean you're totally...I mean you did that one thing...uh... ME: Go on. LIFE: Remember that one time, when you saved the Earth from those angel statues that weren't really statues - ME: That was a Dr. Who episode. LIFE. Love that episode! ME: Can we get back on topic please? LIFE: But Dr. Who is more interesting. ME: ....... LIFE: I wish you were David Tennant, LOL!

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Rejected #1

ME: Do you think I'll get an interview for the fellowship thing I've been waiting to hear about?

LIFE: HA! REJECTED.

ME: K. Can you at least make this headache go away that I've had since last night? You know, the one you give me every other day?

LIFE: OMG NO!

ME: K. Well at least my hair looks okay today.

LIFE: LOL, one sec."

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Expectations #1

ME: I really expected to be more accomplished at the age of 27. LIFE: You had expectations? THAT S**T IS HILARIOUS. ME: You make me kinda depressed sometimes. LIFE: If by depressed you mean lazy and terrified of failure. AMIRIGHT? ROFL! ME: No need to be cruel. Hey, did you shrink all my pants from last winter? LIFE: LOL BITCH PLEASE