Walking the Room Quotes

Dave Anthony and Greg Behrendt have a podcast. They say funny things. I type those things out and post them here. No, I don't have anything better to do with my time, I'm a Cuddlah.

[wtrquotes]

Greg: What if I turned into a griffin? Like a fucking gryphon!

Dave: Oh my god, that would be fantastic.

Greg: What if I turned into a fire breathing griffin and I burnED the shit out of you? Wouldn't that be awesome? WOOSH! And you just fucking flamed out. And I came right back to me, in a fucking cardi, and just did the rest of the show?

Dave: This is why people don't like the show.

Greg (sing-songy): Griffin. Grrrrrrrrrrryfin!

Dave: This is why we have 28 listeners.

Greg: (just rolling r's repeatedly)

Dave: THAT KIND OF SHIT NEEDS TO STOP!

[wtrquotes]

WTR #41

(on having guests on the podcuddle

Greg: And know this going in: it will not be an interview, we will talk over them, you will be disappointed at how little information you get about them, because invariably...my shoes, a sweater, something, will be more important than the guest.

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WTR #41

Dave: If you take a septic tank trunk, you know, where they suck the shit out of a septic tank because it's overflowing, into the truck and they suck it out through that tube? Then you get a pig. A really large pig. And you put that tube into the pig's ass. Then you reverse the suction, so all the shit and the faeces and everything that was in that septic tank: the piss, the fucking nightmare, the blood, everything, shoots into the pig, slow enough so the pig just swells and swells and wells. And then just starts popping and little fucking streams of shit and piss and blood are shooting out of the pig. The sound that it makes when that's happening is the sound of this podcast. WALKING THE ROOM.

Greg: Here's what's freaking me out: why are you doing the holiday edition of the show now? Here's what's upsetting to me: if you're going to give a recipe and not tell people to get a pen...If you're going to tell people how to make a stuffed-shit pig for the fucking holidays...if you're going to tell people how to make faecal pig and not tell them at the top of the show...because now they've got to go back. They got to go back, where's my pen? where's my paper?

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WTR #40

(About Charlie Clausen)

Dave: Women drive by in cars, rip their pussies out and throw them at him while he's walking down the street. He just gets hit with vaginas.

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WTR #40

Greg/Wil/Dave/Charlie: (Arguing over each other about Unbreakable and the viability of invincibility as a superpower in a near-incomprehensible manner.)

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WTR# 40

Wil: I'd like to see you [Dave] remake Brewster's Millions and just use the millions to do mean stuff to people.

Dave: Why the fuck not? Let's make it good.

Wil: A gritty reboot.

Greg: Yeah, a gritty reboot, like "Hey, they gave us a million dollars, I bought you a thousand crickets. How about that?"

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WTR #40

(Wil has been talking about how he listens to Law & Order without watching it)

Greg: What I'll do every once in awhile is, I'll get a record, I'll put it on the turntable, and I'll turn the fucking sound off and I'll just watch it. And just imagine what happened on that record. This Aerosmith record they never made! Look at that mother fucker go round and round. I'll watch a record. Do you like to watch a record?

Do you know know what else I do? Sometimes I'll take a podcast, I download it, I put it up on my computer and I just fucking smell it. I'm going to smell a podcast today.

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WTR #40

(The boys think that drifters are sinister)

Wil: But wasn't Michael Landon a drifter in Highway to Heaven? He was doing good work, right? Going from town to town.

Greg: You would have to watch Highway to Heaven to know that!

Dave: Oh no! Look at his sad face!

Wil: What's your problem with Highway to Heaven?! Michael Landon would go town to town and help people out!

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WTR #40

Greg: We oughta fucking put up a No Drifters sign.

Dave: No, you want the drifters.

Greg: Do you?

Dave: Yeah, drifters are for killing. You get it out of your system.

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WTR #40

Greg: This is how you start a revolution. The Nazis had uniforms, so do we.

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WTR #39

(Greg's been talking about jeans)

Dave: Do you ever think about just setting yourself on fire?

Greg: I did! And then fucking embracing you--

Dave: Easy, don't lean in fucking close to me!

Greg: I would like to burn and fuck you at the same time.

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WTR #39

Dave: But someone's got to speak for C.H.U.D.!

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WTR #39

Dave: When do you really think this [podcast] will end?

Greg: When do I think this will end?

Dave: Yeah, how long do you think we'll do this? Can you see us doing this when we're sixty?

Greg: Kinda. You know why? Because we won't change. We already are sixty. Like, if you listen to this, it is the rattlings of two really old men.

[wtrquotes]

WTR #39

(On how many podcasts there are)

Dave: There's dudes out there who are like "I don't know how to get listeners, man! I do a podcast about how to build dollhouses, every fucking week. And this week I did beds, and like, FIVE FUCKING LISTENERS".

Greg: Wait. Stop and talk to me for a minute about the guy with the dollhouse.

Dave: "I build beds! Every week, I go to a different room of the dollhouse and I explain how that shit is built!"

Greg: What's the podcast called?

Dave: "Little Big Dollhouse Explanations!"

Greg: Little...big...

Dave: "LITTLE BIG DOLLHOUSE EXPLANATIONS! Why are you laughing? That's my podcast! My grandfather built dollhouses and I built dollhouses. Little Big. I'm Big Moe! They call me Big Moe, but I build little shit. So it's Little Big Dollhouse Explanations!"

[wtrquotes]

WTR #39

Dave: So, I go over to the urinal, and I'm peeing in the urinal. Everything seems to be going fine. And then a dude walks in. And he walks over to the urinal next to me, and I'm peeing, and he looks at me. Now that's never a good thing, when a dude at a urinal looks at you, who you don't know. So, he looks at me and he goes "How's your Barnes and Noble experience going?"

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WTR #39

Dave: You don't fuck a shank-hole. That's a violence hole.

Greg: I'll fuck your shank-hole though, I really will. I will fuck your shank-hole.

Dave: No, you don't fuck a shank-hole.

Greg: We just came up with another slogan. "I will fuck your shank-hole." That's our t-shirt!

Dave: NO, IT'S NOT! Oh my god, you're insane. What is wrong with you?

Greg (Singing): I will fuck your shank-hole. I will fuck your shank-hole.

[wtrquotes]

WTR #39

Dave: You know what this podcast has turned into? It would be like if two hobos got picked up in a dumpster, thrown in the back of a garbage truck and taken out to the dump and then they started fucking and someone caught them on fire and the whole dump burned down. That's what this is. WALKING THE ROOM!