( dev patel . 100+. he/him. cisman. ) are you a VIGILANTE? something tells me that trying to figure out who you are in a world that’s constantly changing, the feeling of paranoia everywhere you turn, trying to right your past mistakes , makes you who you are, BUCKY BARNES. with the powers of ENHANCED PHYSICAL CONDITIONING, you’re sure to have a ADAPTABLE/UNTRUSTING, personality — and you definitely belong to UNAFFILIATED. were you listening to HURT by JOHNNY CASH on your way to the subway? it suits you. we can’t wait to see what you do next!
anger was to be expected in the face of this. there had been time to go to bucky ever since he’d been brought back to this world from where he’d been taken – time to explain, time to make it better. realistically, steve knew that bucky should have been one of the very first people that he went to upon his return into a world that didn’t truly feel like his own any longer. maybe it was the guilt weighing him down, or perhaps the fear of what would be put out into the open if he bothered to have done that. there was no good reason for any of it. and steve would be damned if he was going to make one up just to make them both feel better about the situation at hand.
he accepts that anger. welcomes it, really. steve doesn’t say a single word as he’s slammed back into the wall, only watching with a pain in baby blue hues as his best friend backs away after the act, heart aching despite knowing this was a pain that he had been the full cause of. things were so complicated, so wound up in his mind that he wasn’t sure how to act or what to do. he didn’t feel like himself these days – wasn’t sure if he ever would after what he had faced and left behind when he had been pulled through the portal back to this place. “i’m sorry,” he finally breathed out, voice hoarse, just barley managing to keep the tears at bay with the emotions hitting him all at once. “i wanted to. i really, really did. i don’t even have an explanation for why i didn’t. it’s on me, buck. you got every right to be pissed at me, every right to want to deck me for this. i’m not going to make up some excuse to get myself out of this.” that wasn’t who he was. steve would face this fully, head on.
bucky had always felt a little alone his entire life. it was only really steve that made him feel less alone. it was hard when it felt like you had the weight of the world on your shoulder, he knows that it’s different for him because he didn’t have the same kind of responsibilities like sam and steve—he had done so much worse than both of them and it was a grief and pain that he had to live with now. he didn’t know what to do with himself half of the time, trying to blend into a world that was changing ever so quickly. he didn’t know why he was so angry at steve—maybe because once upon a time steve would have gone to him for anything—because once upon a time steve was more than just a friend and confident, he was his lover. his partner til the end of the line. the one person that he had put first through everything. now, like the rest of the world, it feels like he had been forgotten.
when steve says he’s sorry something inside of him snaps, and his fists move before he realizes that he’s punching him. it’s a quick hit, and he moves back, looking down at his hands that are shaking, the guilt hits him before anything else and he stretches his human hand out, watching the way his fingers quiver, he looks over at his other arm, the one that he no longer uses in violence but in defense and feels his jaw lock briefly. “i’m so mad at you.” he says, his voice is quiet and defeated. he is defeated. “all this time i just thought that you were dead because i knew that if you weren’t then you would have found your way back—” because steve always did. they always found their way back to each other. he wipes his face now, and he listens. listens to what steve has to say, and inch by inch he’s getting closer towards him.
“stop apologizing steve,” bucky’s voice drops, his voice is raw and quiet, his right hand reaching out to touch steve’s face for the first time in a long time, and then he closes the gap.
❝ you okay there ? ❞ it’s not unsurprising to see people complain in the streets of new york. new yorkers are experts in complaining after all. lois isn’t saying this with malice. in fact, she admires their ‘ tough as nails ‘ attitude. she’s got a lot of that herself and thinks more people could benefit from it. ❝ maybe you just need to have it charged ? or if you’ve got an older phone, the battery degrades to a point where it stops working no matter how much you charge it. ❞ reporter looks down at the cat. it’s also unsurprising for people to dump their pets out on the street when they’re no longer wanted or needed. if lois didn’t have 2 kids and a dog to deal with, she would look into getting a cat. or at least another pet. ❝ you a fan of cats ? ❞
‘fine,” he says, trying the technique that he had been taught by sam on how to turn a phone back on again but even then that’s not working. the phone also feels hot to the touch so he definitely needed to get a new phone which he wasn’t looking forward to having to learn another new piece of technology. “it’s definitely dead,” he says, stuffing it back in his pocket and bending down to look at his cat, sticking his finger through the little hole. “honestly? i wasn’t until i got my first cat, then i found her near my apartments alleyway. she’s pregnant and we had an appointment but.” he shakes his head, they weren’t going to make it.
𝐟𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐚 𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐥 was one thing , but being catapulted back in time was another. completely underwhelmed with this version of the world , terry couldn’t understand the sensation behind certain trends that were planted throughout the city. stark industries felt antique in comparison to what wayne-powers and foxteca was producing on a daily basis. with all the advancements he’d grown accustomed to terry couldn’t understand the analog technology of this decade. terry leveled with the man’s frustration with his device and contemplated offering his own if the man truly needed it. before he could , terry was interrupted by the cat. eager to interact with the animal himself he suppresses the urge and maintains his position in line for . . . coffee ? he looked up at the sign , it was a bit charming to see a sign that wasn’t led. he tapped the man’s shoulder. ❛❛ hey man , you ever had anything from this place ? it’s my first time. ❜❜
here’s the thing about bucky: he doesn’t like to be touched, especially by a stranger that he doesn’t know in a crowded space. he knows the last thing is on him, but he turns his back to look at who touched him, his fingers reaching out to stop their hands before he stops himself, he looks at the other with a raised eyebrow, looking at the sign before looking back at him. “dunkin donuts?” he asks, “i mean, they’re a pretty common coffee chain,” he looked down the street, “i’m pretty sure you can find another one about a block away.”
being a s.h.i.e.l.d. engineer was his pride — something he was good at, something consistent. he didn’t need to second guess himself when it came to tech . . . there were few problems he couldn’t solve with a screwdriver or the right algorithm, and he took comfort in his gadgets. of course, being the glorified tech-support for the avengers was also apart of the job description. leo didn’t mind it. in fact, there was some part of him that even liked having the leg-up ; as if it leveled the playing field for him, somehow. “ er . . . mind if i give it a try ? i’m in engineering, ” he flashes his s.h.i.e.l.d. badge, a signal of some common ground. “ i can take it to the lab, tell you if it’s really dead. ” at the sound of the whining meow, leo furrows his eyebrows. “ looks like you’ve got your hands full. ” yeah . . . he couldn’t be as helpful with the cat.
it was infuriating for bucky sometimes, there were just some things that he could not get the hang of, it drove him mad most days, there had been a reason why he decided to become a recluse once more. it was just easier than having to get irrationally angry over shit that he could no longer control. he had wondered how steve had adapted to it for so long while bucky was just mentally checked out because he was forced to be. he knows that it’s a bit of an unfair comparison but it was like he was having to start his life over again and he wasn’t good at it at the second time either. “yeah,” he says, looking at the badge. “i don’t think you need to bring it into a lab.” he knows that it’s kind of the kid to offer, but he knows that it’s a worthless cause. “just a little,” he looks down at his cat now before frowning down, but it seemed that at least she wasn’t meowing anymore.
she's only there for the cats , really , and her attention is on the animal in the carrier . “ they don't like enclosed spaces or being around too many people , ” felicia comments , taking the opportunity to squat down and make eye contact with the creature inside . the cat makes eye contact with her , immediately quiets up and begins to purr , she breaks out into a grin . SHE’S STILL GOT IT, to say the least . and of course , she recognizes him ; has been caught up with the news , because she's not an idiot , and keeps herself aware of what's going on in the world . “ it would've been better if you put on a leash , or just trust it to return to you - ” she shrugs , finally standing up and letting bambi eyes fall on the other . huh , more handsome than she was expecting . “ you know that phone's ancient , right ? ”
“if i wanted your unwarranted advice i would have asked for it. she’s in the carrier because she’s pregnant and we have an appointment,” he says, watching her interact with his cat. he had no idea who he was talking to, and if he was being honest with himself he didn’t really care. this was one of the last things that he had wanted to do today and he curses himself at thinking he could have just gotten a taxi instead of trying to figure out his way here on his own, but his therapist said talking a walk and getting acquainted with his city again would be a good thing. he wants to roll his eyes at her now because look where it lead him? small talk. he hated small talk and hated crowded places as much as the cat. “i’m aware it’s old,” he gives her a phony smile before giving up on it, sticking it in his back pocket. “you can leave us alone now that you’ve spared us your two cents.”
Adrian was walking to a coffee shop on a rare day off, when he saw a disgruntled man with a cat carrier. He stopped to stare at the cat for a few seconds, probably blocking traffic on the sidewalk, but he didn’t care. Sure there were cats all over the city, but this was a fancy little special cat, who got his own portable home. Must be living the life. Adrian then noticed the guy was looking at a phone that was turned off, and looking pretty frustrated. “Aw shit, is your phone not working?” Adrian guessed, trying to see on the guys screen as he came up next to him. Looked dead, or maybe just the screen was dark, like when Chris, his best friend, looked at porn in public. Adrian looked at the cat carrier, and came to a decision in his mind. “I’ll lend you my phone so you can do- whatever, if I can pet your cat. Or at least stick my fingers in the cage. I don’t care if I get bitten.” Adrian said, pulling out his smartphone and offering it to the other man. “I’m Adrian, by the way. You look lost as hell, man. Your first time in the Big Apple?” Adrian said, already trying to put his fingers in the carrier.
“it’s just.... old.” he says with a sigh, it was hard trying to keep up with everything nowadays, and he wants to roll his eyes at even thinking that thought but it was true. all the latest technology that sam had was something he didn’t even understand, all he had was the bionic arm which he had kept hidden half of the time. “it’s dead,” he eventually says, and looks down at the cat. “yeah, you can pet her. i mean, she’s pregnant so she’s not exactly having a grand time but i don’t think she’ll bite you.” at this point--he already knew that they weren’t making the appointment because he could no longer turn his phone on to get the directions. “no, i live here just was dead for a couple of years.” and then when he came back alive he had to deal with things that had no place in new york. “thanks,” he grabs the phone and calls the number before getting the voicemail which he leaves and hands it back to the other guy.
“ for god’s sake … ” rhodey sighs , not out of frustration with bucky , but rather out of understanding — if he weren’t familiar with modern technology , literally best friends with the creator of some of the best stuff , he’s sure he’d find it nearly impossible to learn as well — and exasperation directed at the creators of said technology , with how smartphones have become barely larger than a single page from a pocket notebook & have just as many instructions on them . “ pass it here , i’ll set it up for you . they all have virtual assistants these days , so once it’s set up you can just tell the phone what to do . ”
he smiles at rhodey, it’s a small one, but an appreciative one. he hands the phone over and leans back in his chair. “thanks old man,” bucky knows that it’s rich coming from him, but he had to tease him anyway. “technology is terrifying now. i tried to set up the face recognition--” he shakes his head, grabbing a cigarette from his pocket and placing it in between his lips. “how have you been?” he knew that tony stark, like many others, had come back from the dead, and he had known that out of all of them rhodey had been the one closest to him.
“What’‘s my fucking problem?! Like you just didn’t spend the last 80 years of your life murdering innocents?!” Daken said, unsheathing his other claw. Did the Winter Soldier really have the audacity to think that none of those innocents slaughtered would ever seek revenge? Because it was so long ago, people would have forgotten about it by now? Unfortunately, Wolverines had a terrible habit of living for a super long time, and holding grudges for even longer. And Daken was poised to get revenge since the second the event occurred. The savage killing of Daken’s own mother is what sent him down this path, a hit hired by Romulus of all people, so that Daken would eventually fall into his clutches. If the Winter Soldier went down, Daken avenged his mother. When Romulus went down, Daken avenged himself. “Saw your cute little apology tour. Afraid you missed a few stops.” Daken kicked his leg into the table, sending it splintering down the middle. “Miyagi, Japan ring any bells? 1946?” Daken asked sarcastically, already knowing the answer.
Daken reared his arm back, driving his arm toward the Winter Soldier’s flesh arm. It wasn’t about a clean hit, a speedy takedown. This was about divulging as much pain as possible, to try and make up for the pain he had to go through his entire life. To add even more salt to his wounds, He heard that the Winter Soldier was trying to rebrand. Woke up one day and realized that killing people wasn’t cute anymore, and now everyone was cool with him. The whole world seemed to forgive him, but not Daken. Daken never got an apology, didn’t even get a mere mention of his mother on anything. If it wasn’t for Daken, she would be forgotten. Not even worthy of a footnote in anyone’s history, while the Winter Soldier got to keep on living. Daken made eye contact with the Soldier, his face melting into a sneer. Daken kicked his foot out, aiming for the Soldier’s solar plexus, and managing to connect. “You had a good run, but now i’m going to kill you like you killed her.”
the problem with bucky, is that even when he had been the winter soldier, he still remembered everything. no matter the mind control, there had been a part of him that could recount all the faces of the lives that he had taken, it didn’t matter if he had been forced into it or not, he was just a weapon then, the amount of blood on his hands was many, but he would have known who he was talking about, but he didn’t. he had no recollection, there was nothing there. he knew that the hurt in his eyes, what it was like to watch the life leave their body, and the look on the innocent people’s faces that he’d leave behind. but it wasn’t on bucky. it was still a horrible thing that had happened. he snaps out of it feeling the gut punching pain, watching the way that the blood flowed down his arm, and looking at the bionic arm that he could use now, but that wasn’t him. he kicks back, using his boot, throwing him into the wall and then climbing on top of him, feeling the claws in his abdomen, bucky used his right arm to punch him in the face. “i don’t know what you’re talking about—you need to fucking calm down.” he had only very briefly looked up at the destruction that they had already caused, knowing damn well that this could be put on his record. all that he had worked for could be taken away from him. “i remember everyone that i’ve killed, and whoever your loved one is wasn’t done by me.” he had his left hand holding onto the man’s shoulder squeezing hard, knowing that with a little more force he could break something, but they didn’t seem like someone with just some claws, it had to have been more than that. “but i guarantee, you will not kill me,” many have tried and failed, it seemed that bucky was just unable to die like he was supposed to. “so do you want to talk or just keep throwing meaningless punches?”
“i mean, i’m not your keeper, man,” sam glances over at him, grateful that he at least chose break time to start complaining. “you can leave if you want. but you’ve made it this far, and i’d prefer if you didn’t. you gotta meet people, like it or not. it’s good for you. and good for the kids, even if you’re too old to hold a conversation with them.” he softens his tone, knowing that this is basically like pulling teeth with bucky. “i won’t leave you alone unless you need me to, okay? and how bout this: dinner’s on me tonight.”
bucky runs a hand through his hair, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed as he looks at the kids. it’s hard to imagine that once upon he had been that age, eager to get in on the action, to make something of himself. all he wanted to do now was just sleep. he was so tired. everything had exhausted him lately. “i don’t work here, why would i need to meet people?” he’s saying it to be an asshole, rolling his own eyes as he sighs. “yeah you’re paying,” he smacks his chest as he grabs a cigarette from his pocket and placing it between his lips. “i’m getting an expensive meal.”
where: queens, new york city.
subject: bucky barnes & the bionic arm.
therapist notes: closed off, think he’s starting to trust me, has said more words than the past couple of weeks, previously talked about the blip, last week began talking about his arm but didn’t elaborate and jumped when our time was up, won’t push but it’s worth trying to get into. likes to hold onto something during our sessions and carries a specific backpack and water bottle with him everywhere. today there is no gloves he’s wearing.
“Before our session ended last week you had started to talk about your arm. I was wondering if you wanted to pick up where we left off on that,” His new therapist, in his eyes, is a good one. Older than his last one by any means with more life experience, and if he can pretend for a moment that he’s not older than her it makes it bearable for him to trust her.
Her office is bright, with a view of Ed Koch Queensboro Bridge in the distance, and he’s been twiddling with the string of one of the pillows for a while now.
“Fine,” He says, sighing, looking up at her, watching the way she doesn’t immediately reach for her pen, but she just listens, her palms resting on the arm rests, her body language says that she’s open and ready to listen, her smile is polite, her head tilted ever so slightly.
“I think it’s safe to say that I have a strange relationship with my arm,” he looks down at it, flexing and unflexing his left arm and hand, opening his palm and closing it. He swears that sometimes, he can feel something more in it, something that’s real.
“And why is that?” she prompts, it’s what she does. Allows himself to talk more about it instead of forcing him to. He appreciates it even if most days he finds it incredibly annoying to be known in any kind of way.
“I don’t know,” he does know, he had just gotten used to saying I don’t know to avoid and divert the conversation. “It caused so much destruction and pain, but it kept me alive. Even when I didn’t deserve it.”
“You can’t help what happened,” she says.
“I know. That doesn’t make it go away.”
“The guilt?”
“Yeah,” Bucky says, looking down at the ground, “Yeah, the guilt.”
He’s quiet for a moment, he can hear the sound of the clock ticking, hear the feet shuffling outside of the door, there’s laughter, someone is talking about cookies, and if he listens really closely he can hear a siren in the background. He looks out the window, looks at the bridge from afar, he doesn’t stare at her as he says this.
“I remember everything.” His right hand is buried underneath him, the one hand that he can hide, the one hand that can blend in with the rest of the world. “Even when I think I forgot it comes back in small little flashes. It used to be I couldn't distinguish if it was real or not but I figured that it was when I tried everything to make it go away in my head but the images never really leave. it just kind of exists there, like a ghost, and i just have to let it. And then I look down at the arm and the ghost of everything is quite literally a limb—it’s just a part of me. He's a part of me—”
“Who?”
“The Winter Soldier.”
“I thought you let him go,” She says, reading down at her notes at what he’s said previously in sessions.
He looks at her now, “I don’t think that I can.”
He doesn’t know how to tell her that it’s the longest relationship that he’s had; he has been a part of him for so long, he doesn’t know how to tell her that he doesn’t know how to let that part of him go. It’s like his arm, his good one, it’s just a part of him. How do you depart with the part of you that was you for the longest time? How do you let it go without feeling loss?
“ nope. ” the flames of lighter flickered, a teasing dance as it reached for the man speaking. wolverine doesn’t connect action to words however, and she instead reached out the offending object towards the winter soldier. “ shit’s a slow killer. ”
he rolls his eyes, but takes what she’s offering, rolling it with his thumb, watching the spark of a flame and lights the cigarette handing it back to the other. “at least this is the way i go,” he offers, “i should’ve died a long time ago.” he shrugs.
“ somehow that almost makes me feel worse ? not sure how , but - ” she shakes her head , gaze falling on him . “ we never did get a chance to speak , did we ? ” no , both were just thrown onto the field with hopes of taking out thanos ( and failing to do so ) . “ so , granted that my attitude didn’t scare you away - why are you here ? ”
“it’s fun being a person, huh?” he offers, they throw you into battle and expect you to be fine but you’re not fine, all you’re left with his dead friends and trauma. he clenches his jaw slightly, shaking his head. “it’s probably for the best, i haven’t been good at conversation as of late.” his therapist often telling him that grunting isn’t by any means a way of communication. “it’d take a lot to scare me away,” he consoles, “and honestly? i don’t know. i just couldn’t be at my apartment anymore.”
@wvntersoldicr // “ YOU NEVER STRUCK ME as the type of person to work in a team , ” kate teases . “ or is working with captain america the exception ? ”
“i don’t,” he says in a monotone, working in a team was something that he had used to be good at, in fact, he loved it once upon a time, the camaraderie when it came to relying on your fellow man, but he had quite literally changed and the thought of ever trusting someone else seemed like an impossible feat. “i guess you could say that.”
“all of these recruits show a great deal of promise. training seems to have been going extremely well, that’s for sure.” going over a few pointers and which trainees may need a bit of extra work with one of the agents, steve only barley heard his name being called, head rising and having lifting to wave in response until – “bucky.” the name is out of his mouth only a few milliseconds after their eyes lock from across the room. he’d obviously not prepared to see the other at shield of all places, nor did steve know exactly what he wanted to say. that was mostly why he’d been avoiding bucky ever since he had been brought back from the other dimension with the others. there was so much to explain, so many things that steve felt like he couldn’t get across properly after everything had happened. he knew people had thought him dead. mourned him. what was someone supposed to say in the face of that?? glancing around, feeling the eyes on them, steve mumbles a quick excuse, head jerking towards the door in hopes that bucky would take it as a sign to follow. they needed to talk, but like hell was he about to do it in front of a group of agents and trainees.
it had felt like bucky had been spending all of his unlimited amount of free time now mourning over things that he couldn’t change. it was easy when he had something to do, kept his mind off things, but eventually, all of those things end and all that he’s left with is his thoughts, and it’s a dangerous place to be. so he tries to fill up his sadness, his grief, and all the trauma that he had neatly tucked away in boxes with something else. but he didn’t have anything to fill them up with anymore. he had agreed to come here because of some fucking morale booster but bucky knew that he wasn’t the right guy for that job, maybe someone had let them know that bucky needed to get out of his apartment for a bit, see the outside world until he retreated back into his hole.
when he hears steve say his name, he winces, he had thought of what he would have done in this kind of situation, having repeated it in his head numerous times when he couldn’t fall asleep, all the things that he would have said. he remembers going to where he was supposedly buried and kept asking him to not be dead, just pull one more miracle, if he could, and now here he was. his jaw clenches, his fists tighten and he brushes off something someone says, he hadn’t been paying attention to them anyway. he doesn’t know why he’s angry, but it was like the love and grief he felt didn’t know how to come out, so they chose anger instead. when he meets him, his hands are the first to react before his brain does, he pushes him into the wall before distancing himself, looking away. “what the fuck steve? you’re alive and you didn’t even—” didn’t even tell me, didn’t come to me first, i would have let you in. it could have been their secret, he had been good at keeping those when it came to steve. “fuck.”
“you wouldn’t happen to have a light on you?” bucky hates asking for help, hates having to talk to strangers period, but his lighter is out of fluid and he’s desperate after spending the day with a bunch of kids at one of the compounds. he doesn’t know why he keeps getting dragged into it but he knows that it’s really because where captain america is, he is one to follow.
