Tryung to come back to phannie tumblr when how you left was really quite cruel actually you're not relevent anymore
i spoke about this briefly but in all honestly it’s fine if you didn’t see it, i absolutely don’t feel relevant here anymore which is why i don’t really post.. much? i’m still just trying to find my vibes lol.
i will say again that i do feel really crappy about the way things ended for me in regards to this phandom space. i was in a VERY bad place mentally (hello undiagnosed severe ocd and paranoia 😄) i was also like i’ve mentioned before just really struggling with my identity. phandom has always been, for the most part lol, just a very welcoming accepting and inclusive space. you’d think that that’d mean i’d be more accepting of myself and just feel happier. well it sadly did the opposite lol
i come from a not very accepting family (hello also repressed childhood trauma!) and coming away from tumblr would just really hit home that THIS was my only safe space. at that time, phandom was slowing its roll what with the hiatus and it felt like if that was coming to an end (because remember that it felt like that at a point) then id have nothing. like i said i was also not doing very well mentally so in turn i just became very aggressive and defensive and turned on dan and phil. which yeah, like i’ve said i feel really sad about now looking back. and for the record, i never SENT them any hate where they’d actually see it. i’d never do that despite of what i think of a person i don’t think online hate should be tolerated at all in any way.
i have so much to work through mentally. i’m 27 years old, i’m not out to ANYONE outside of online spaces. not at work, not in my family, not at all. i went HARD into the closet around the time i stopped watching dan and phil and only really started to accept myself as gay/queer whatever about maybe.. a year ago? perhaps a year and a half? that’s a really insane long time to have to go back into the closet and not think or associate myself with ANY queer media at all. guys it got so bad i went on a DATE with a MAN and i got sexually assaulted like. big flop for me LMAO
one thing to take away from this is the friends i lost because of this. i’m super 100% so fucking okay with them not wanting to rekindle those mutuals because i really do get it. i fucked up big big time, but i will carry a lot of sadness and guilt in small ways that i really did ruin the one sacred safe space i had with people here because i never really got to have that again and i dont know if i ever will.
this really isn’t a: pity me situation. i don’t mind that i sound a bit stupid and pathetic and i really was quite scared of coming back here because i really didn’t know if i’d be welcome or not. i have massive respect for dan and phil and upon learning more about what dan was going though at that time, ironically, alongside the same time as what i was going through, it kind of made me realise the mistakes i made back then and how much i wished i could take it all back.
don’t try and kill yourself guys phan might be real lol
but yeah. i get what you’re saying anon. i do, and i think maybe i’ll feel like an outsider for a while? but who knows maybe one day i can be folded? back into the fray of it all with somewhat open arms lol
