anon

everything is a diary

[wwinsertbloghere]

I kept asking God for a sign. Any sign. I was met with silence and anger sinking deep. I begged God for a clear sign, maybe I missed the last one, maybe I’m stupid and didn’t see it, I begged for a clearer sign. Nothing happened. I convinced myself I must be awful, something awful for God to do this to me and not listen to my cries at all. I begged for a sign, begged God, the universe, begged for something. I was met with nothing.

[wwinsertbloghere]

my future is bleak and death is an appealing option

[wwinsertbloghere]

the person who hurt me as a kid is upset knowing i hate him and he wants to hang out with me more and connect with me more. no one knows so i seem awful for not wanting that. i dont even know why he wants that. did he forget?

[wwinsertbloghere]

all my life all ive ever wanted to do was get away

[wwinsertbloghere]

one day ill figure out how to disappear

[wwinsertbloghere]

2025

[wwinsertbloghere]

im always thinking There's always the overpass.

[wwinsertbloghere]

I'm so hot.

They use me for my body and it makes me feel alive.

Sizzling on top of a stove and whispering flames.

Not conceited or vain, just looking up close and at

peer reviews.

I want a long-term thing,

something that'll last.

Someone to be obsessed with me and want me for more than my looks, my body, my features.

But, it makes me feel alive.

[wwinsertbloghere]

i think of you all the time but i know im just a blip

[wwinsertbloghere]

and all this shit reminds me of you but i can never tell you or talk to you ever again. and i cant listen to the music you did even if i start to like it, because it just kills me inside. and i cant watch the same youtube videos we used to laugh at together anymore. because that shit's embarrassing. and i can't stand the thought of you, but i truly miss my best friend.

[wwinsertbloghere]

still august.

i'm so sick and it's still august.

do you think if i get a fever i'll remember all the reasons to keep myself breathing?

oxygen, inhale, exhale, let go.

do you think if i call out of work i'll suddenly feel better? as if my nausea, aches, chills, and congestion were just stress and anxiety?

i don't wanna stay home, but i wanna lay in bed.

i don't wanna be trapped here anymore, but i want to sleep for hours.

i'm up googling symptoms and believing every diagnoses i find.

nausea, sore throat, lips dry, etc...

oxygen, inhale, exhale.

[wwinsertbloghere]

melted snow

Got ice running in my veins.

Blood is cold, but I'm nursing a fever.

They think I'm mean, but I'm gutting myself inside out, searching for all that remains of me.

Face up in the wet grass, a cold headstone with morning condensation dripping from it, hands brushing over it and becoming cold, wet, dirty.

I'm talking to a ghost and asking for help in all the same breath.

I'm imagining a life with you still here.

Wondering what melted snow felt like on the rocks that day.

Wondering if the sun was hot.

I'm imagining a life in which I was there and could've done something. Changed something.

Twisted fate and opened the floodgates.

[wwinsertbloghere]

anxious

i've been biting on the inside of my left cheek for months now, clenching down til it hurts but i don't stagger.

the inside of my lip has a scar, and my eyebrows will never grow back the same.

my nails stay short and my voice gets caught.

the anxiety will grip and pull me til i feel like i'm being haunted by an angry spirit.

making me sick to my stomach, paranoid, climbing the walls.

i feel above my body but below my heart,

when i try to speak it sounds foreign.

crying is unheard of, eyes dry but it aches like tears are begging for release

it moves toward my chest. i squint, and take a shaky breath.

i don't really feel like me these days.

[wwinsertbloghere]

paranoia

i miss being alone.

i miss walking alone and watching the cars, the people.

listening to my music but very faintly i can hear the sounds of

people talking

cars driving

dogs barking

wind biting

i miss going to restaurants alone,

ordering one dinner meal that i can pick at for a few hours without wasting anyone's time but my own

reading a book, listening to music, never talking to anyone except to order

i miss going to stores alone,

taking my time to look through everything i want to look through, eventually going to self checkout,

never saying a word.

these days im afraid to be alone,

only going to a restaurant if my dad or friends tag along,

looking over my shoulder anxiously if im left alone in a store,

keeping my music off and jumping at every sound of

people talking

cars driving

dogs barking

wind biting.

im sick of talking,

making myself smaller when a stranger walks past,

wishing to be invisible.

then and now.

i miss being alone.

[cocaineheartz]

miserable at best

[emo-tional-trash01]

Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight

[wwinsertbloghere]

i feel like it doesn't hurt anyone else like it hurts me.

[wwinsertbloghere]

respect the dead.

you said you wanted to bury him so you could visit him

and then you move 1800 miles away.

i visited him one winter night when the air was cold and foggy making my vision blur.

his headstone looked the same as it did the last time i stood here.

i looked around for evidence of you here, of our sister here, of his dad here, of myself once here.

i sat on the cold wet grass as my friend who drove me awkwardly stood there before walking away to explore.

it was nearing three in the morning, my dad assumed i was having fun out with friends.

i reached out to trace my fingertips over his name 7 9 4 4.

i sat there holding my breath, listening to the wind as if it had any response. as if i had questions. as if there were answers.

i apologized to him while the wet grass started to freeze.

i wondered if there was any chance he'd hear that apology and understood what i meant. i wondered if there was something to believe in. i wondered if i needed forgiveness.

i wondered if he would have given me it.