there is such beauty in awkwardness

Music. Books. Live the best way I know how.

[wxtar2ba]

As the music rises and falls,

my notes get louder.

A warm, rich timbre

because I finally mean it.

At Last.

At last, my love has come along,

a love for myself, a love for life, a love for the adversity, a love for everything that I am capable of doing—before, now and in the future.

At Last, someone sees me.

I see me.

Tears start rolling down her face as I make eye contact with her, no longer unsure of myself but overcoming and doing that shit.

She sees me and she has always seen me. Now I can see myself for everything that I am.

At Last, I realize that I have always had the love of a lifetime, transcending my hurt, and that love is me.

[wxtar2ba]

Sweater

If regret were a sweater I would be unbearably warm,

wishing away all of the things left unspoken.

On the days that I miss you most I find it hard to breathe and that sweater scratches around my neck, uncomfortably constant.

Whispers of your voice and our memories murmur in my ear and the heat reaches my face while the screaming silence reminds me that you are simply not here anymore.

Forgive me friend for the times I was unkind,

Forgive me for the time I could have been more empathetic,

Forgive me for not prioritizing you when you always took care of me,

And as I grow more uncomfortable in this fabric that assaults my skin, I grow through it and realize,

You are love. You are me. You were you.

And I hope because of you I can make my world a little kinder.

[wxtar2ba]

the shower drips around the corners of my eyes and face,

through hair and onto my shoulders and forehead,

a cool calm breezes over my head,

if i am focusing on external factors, then i am not focusing on internal factors and after all, happiness is inside

I will draw my attention away from the knife that brandishes itself every day i face that familiar dread,

i will refocus on myself and center myself around loving who i am

[wxtar2ba]

kind is the heart of the green-eyed girl who plays her favorite songs on a beautiful acoustic guitar,

lightly plucking the strings,

her music is an extension, real and rich.

musical the laugh the green-eyed girl who pushes the swings,

eliciting joyous screams and cackles from the children who love her most.

generous is the green-eyed girl who tells me not to cry when she has so much to carry,

beyond imagination, unmatched

old is the soul of the that same green-eyed girl who teaches beyond her years,

who understands, who listens with open ears and no judgement in her heart.

Blind are those green eyes for not being able to see what I can right here.

[wxtar2ba]

Christmas psychosis draws near as I grip the sharpie confidently

traumas that i didn’t consent to

agony

the screaming, the crying spells, the flashbacks, the anger, the nausea, the feeling ugly or less than

but

with a unceremonious toss,

the healing;

trust your tribe because they love and respect you and your story matters to them.

ask for help because if no one else is advocating for that child inside of you, who will?

put yourself first because your best friend needs you and deserves love.

Christmas psychosis are the chains I wear when the trees are put up, the carols start and i think of that night,

i pay my respects to that young woman who endured and decided that the embarrassment was no longer hers

i get down on that little girl’s level and tell her it is okay to feel what she is,

i love that teenager who sits on the floor of the shower shaking,

and with color in my eyes, i drop—no smash— that plate,

demolished,

and choose tell that lovely lady that she is doing the best she can and that she is proof that those traumas cannot take Christmas (joy) from her anymore,

because she did not consent to that and their permission is revoked.

[wxtar2ba]

And when nostalgia comes back and snatches me up by the throat,

I started crying again frequently,

I started to become less sure more often than not,

I started to fade back into the darkness,

Because when nostalgia comes back and snatches me up by the throat,

I need another version of myself to love me and nurture me back into the foundation I have worked so fucking hard to build.

And I’ll be damned if I will let those rose-tinted glasses blind me from seeing her the way she deserves.

[papasmoke]

they should put shaped explosive charges on the axle joints of police cars that explode if the car detects the cop running a red light

[papasmoke]

I consider myself a moderate on this issue but I think the red light feature should be more than enough to eliminate every police officer in every city in the country within three weeks.

[cabou]

kitchen.

[anxietyproblem]

[unchildhood]

FRANK O’HARA

“[JULY IS OVER AND THERE’S VERY LITTLE TRACE]”, Selected Poems by Frank O'Hara (1974);

original photo and edit

[positive-percy]

General Wellness Check

When was the last time you ate or drank something? If it’s been a while (my self-standards are 5-6 hours for food and 1-2 hours for water), please make an effort to get some.

When was the last time you moved? If you’ve been in one position for a while, I suggest perhaps walking around the room a little, moving to a different spot, adjusting the way you’re sitting, or even just stretching your arms.

Are you able to get some fresh air? Is it safe and viable for you to open a window a little or step outside for a moment? If not, may I suggest lighting a nicely scented candle?

How’s your hygiene? If it’s been longer than you’d like, please make a commitment to take care of it soon!

When was the last time you spoke with someone you care about? Consider reaching out to them, and letting them know they’re in your thoughts.

Have you been interacting with things that are damaging to your mental well-being? If you are, please stop! Purposefully interacting with things that cause you emotional or physical distress is incredibly unhealthy, and a form of self-harm.

Do you need to take your medication? If so, please take it.

Are you holding tension in your jaw and shoulders? Relax it.

Remember that you are important. You have infinite value, simply because you exist. I’m grateful to have you here on this planet with me. You deserve to take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy.

[stability]

i literally can’t stop thinking about this video and i lose it every time

[zamzamafterzina]

Lmfao

[noneeyewithleftyork]

okay everything about this video is absolute gold:

the fact that the guy argues via the puppet the entire time

the music

“let’s discuss the contradiction”

the overuse of the word “camera”

the way the puppet goes from trying to placate the guy to actively arguing against the guy and like turning it around on the guy

“youre consciously making a conscious choice”

the fact that by the end the puppet is basically screaming and the music is just. so loud.

“YOURE BREAKING THE CAMERA” as the video abruptly ends

[hemlockes-key]

for anyone who wants to see more stuff like this, you can probably find clips of it on YouTube. it came from a show called “Wonder Showzen” and it’s responsible for these gems, too:

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

The problem with being ADHD and having trouble reading long, rambling sentences and paragraphs that go on and on is that having ADHD makes you more likely to write in long, rambling sentences and paragraphs that go on and on do you see the problem I am encountering

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

I feel like this post would be more popular if people with adhd could actually read it

[peggyrose19]

ADHD: makes it hard to read long, rambling sentences

also ADHD: makes you write in long, rambling sentences

do you see the problem here

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

did u just rewrite my post you gorgeous brilliant little paperclip

[wxtar2ba]

When I can’t breathe anymore I’ll think of the color-changing tail of the Barbie doll you bought me when I was eight,

When I can’t breathe anymore I’ll remember how you would smile every time I would do a live show for you from adolescence to my more professional early adult years,

When I can’t breathe anymore I’ll think of how long you fought to stay here with me even when it had been a couple of decades since you’d actually lived.

When I can’t breathe anymore I’ll remember how you still live in me and I must be brave and fight like you did.

[savedinmydrafts]

~ I look back enraged

knowing I spent the best days of my life

praying to God late hours of the night

and he would never dare speak

but I would beg him to die

he let the sun shine in spite

and here I am, my heart barely beating

yet i’m still quite alive ~

// Ophydia

—

[savedinmydrafts]

It was selfish

I should have let you go, all those times you wanted to leave.

But my god, you wear your heart and grow flowers on your sleeve.

You love so deeply I wanted to feel those flowers grow towards me.

// Ophydia

01.13.20

[wxtar2ba]

when mindfulness won’t work,

I sit in the corner of that apartment with my friends feeling as lonely as ever.

when mindfulness won’t work,

I curl onto my side and sob silently on the bathroom floor trying to ground myself and find something in the gray and black tile.

when mindfulness won’t work,

I get obliterated so I cannot feel anything, with the great equalizer that helps me see more clearly.

Mindfulness won’t work right now and slowly toxicity takes it’s rightful place for the moment.