Will You Accept This Prose?

The Bachelorette recaps by Austin based smart ass (and copywriter).

[wyatp-blog]

Rachel’s Season - Week 1

So, it’s been about a year since I wrote my first Bachelorette recap. OF COURSE, I watched Nick Vial’s season of the Bachelor, I even participated in two fantasy leagues; but alas I didn’t win either, so I will stick to making fun of these dummies rather than betting on them. I’m going to do my best to recap whenever I have time, but a lot has happened in a year and I’ve gone from full time student to full time writer, so no guarantees I’ll make the deadline every week. All that being said, LET’S BEGIN!

Monday night we were introduced to the 30 (45? 50?? I can’t count that high) dudes who will be vying for literal Disney princess Rachel Lindsay’s hand in marriage. And perhaps more importantly an invitation to Bachelor in Paradise, aka the opportunity of a lifetime to date Corinne. But I digress, this is still about Rachel…for the time being.

RECAP AND REINTRODUCTION TO RACHEL

Chris Harrison 

“Over the years we’ve seen a lot of bachelors and bachelorettes come and go, but never have we seen the outpouring of support that we have for Rachel.”

Very convoluted version of ‘We’ve never had a black bachelorette before.’ Congrats on your “progressiveness” ABC, it only took you 52 seasons.

Rachel 

“I seriously keep waiting for someone to say ‘Just Kidding.’”

OH! you mean like they did to Luke Pell???

 How have I never realized that Rachel is literally Elle Woods of Legally blonde?? 

Old Lady to Rachel

 “And don’t sleep with all of them.”

Excuse me ma’am but the #BachelorNation correct terminology would be ‘Don’t let all of them into your fantasy suite.’ JEEEEZE, there are children watching.

WE MEET THE GUYS

 Kenny, 35, Las Vegas NV, Professional Wrestler This guy dancing what I’m pretty sure is ‘JuJu on that Beat’ with his daughter to the dubbed over tune of royalty-free romantic Bachelorette music is actually pretty adorable.

Kenny

“I’ve been around a lot of rings, maybe the next ring that I touch will be the one I give to you Rachel.”

Yeah, either that or ringworm…

Jack Stone, 31, Dallas TX, Attorney Wait. Hold up. This guy gets a first AND last name??? What happened to the one letter abbreviation format like Ashleigh I. or Melody D.?! Full disclosure, I made that second one up but it still begs the question does this guy have two first names?? Is one of those first names Stone?? Will my question mark key ever get a break this season???? Stay tuned to find out.

Lucas, 30, Woodside CA, Whaboom AKA Whaboom. I already hate everything about this guy. We are not here for slapstick humor!! We are here to satirically mock our deep-seeded belief in love at first site. This dude is Johnny Bravo and  Peter Griffin rolled into one and I’m simply not having it. Plus I inherently mistrust anyone with a personal catchphrase. (A few exceptions stand #Whabalubadubdub)

Blake E., 31, Marina Del Rey CA, Aspiring Drummer GET SWOL BRO! This guy knows that girls have an algorithm that inversely applies how much you talk about your dick to perceived size, right?? TL;DR this guy talks about his dick too much to have a decently sized one. 

Diggy, 31, Chicago IL, Senior Inventory Analyst My mom once told me never date a guy who cares too much about what he looks like because he’ll worry too much about what you look like. But I might be willing to forgive Diggy on that front because, I mean, have you looked at him?!

Josiah, 28, Fort Lauderdale FL, Prosecuting Attorney Damn. Is anyone else kind of impressed how many lawyers ABC was able to pull out of the woodwork for Rachel? There might be some actually datable bachelors on this season… On the same note, this dude’s background is the closest thing to a legitimate Lifetime movie plot the show has ever found, which we all know is ABC’s golden goose. I’m now accepting over/under bets for if he becomes the next bachelor.

 MEETUP WITH RACHEL’S ‘SQUAD’

So I guess Sugar Bear Hair spokesman-ship isn’t as lucrative as we once thought… Literally everyone is back from Nick’s season to regurgitate Bachelor buzzwords, oh excuse me, I mean give advice to Rachel.

I’m sorry is Raven getting emotional or is she blazed out of her mind? She looks like me in high school when I’d come home late at night from a “bonfire” trying to have a conversation with my mom who was up late watching TV.

 THE GUYS MEET RACHEL

I know I’m not the first to say this, but holy hell Rachel is incredibly gorgeous. That. Dress. Is. Everything.

I watched this with my best friend Emily, and let me tell you, when Bryan came on neither of us could contain ourselves. I guarantee that he is the contestant that in three weeks all the other guys will be saying “he isn’t who he says he is.” But really, it’s because they’re jealous. Who could blame them? I have shivers just watching him, and by the looks of it so does Rachel.

Random dude whose name I won’t bother learning 

“She’s wicked hot, and smart too. You don’t really see that combo.”

I guess good-looking and respectful of women is equally rare? Guarantee this idiot will utter the phrase “you’re not like other girls” at some point during the season. 

 Jonathon thinks the best way to make a woman (WITH A LAW DEGREE!!!) laugh is to physically force her. To be clear gentlemen, when a woman says she wants ‘a man that makes her laugh’ she means with his words.

  COCKTAIL PARTY

Rachel

“Let’s hold up a glass and cheers to ‘No Regrets.’ Bottoms up!”

Whaboom:

I love how angry the contestants get whenever the first person grabs the bachelor/bachelorette. They always act like it’s an act of aggression, and the only reason that I can think of why they would feel that way is because they’re all so attractive they’re used to people coming up to them first. They can’t comprehend actually showing initiative. LOL

Direct quote from my bae Emily “If I went out on a first date and someone asked me ‘what does love mean to you’ I would pull out my pepper spray.” #MillenialDating #SwipeRightYall

I’m probably the only one, but this creepy doll shtick is the funniest thing the Bachelor/Bachelorette has ever done.

 Bryan gets the first impression rose, because what did I fucking tell you guys??? He’s so suave. He looks and acts like the charming prince from a Disney movie who turns out to be the villain halfway through. And everybody loves a bad boy.

ROSE CEREMONY AND PREDICTIONS

Bryan is the obvious choice to make it to the final three, if not the first few dates, and I stand by that. Whaboom will definitely stay longer than we all want him to, if anyone has deets on the contract he must have signed with the producers, hit me up. And of course Josiah has to stick around long enough for Rachel to get his full backstory and for us to get to see her reaction. Other than that, it’s anyone’s race.

It’s been fun you guys! Hopefully I get to write more of these as the season goes on, but if I don’t I promise you I’m watching so feel free to text me for more #SickBurns.

[wyatp-blog]

Week 8

Welcome back to another week of the Bachelorette!! JoJo keeps sending home the dudes I like the most, and at this point I’m exhausted. But, of course she had to send Luke home, because out of all her clones, he had the most individual shade of hair. 

I don’t know who is not doing their  job, JoJo or the producers, but I literally know NOTHING about 2/3 of the finalists!!!

Luke looks genuinely shell shocked about the whole thing. But honestly, with a face like that did JoJo really expect him to know how to communicate anything beyond texting “u up?” at 2 am.

Robby’s Date

Robby

“I’m head over heels for Joelle.”

Did you hear that America?! They’ve reached the full name stage of their relationship.

Can we get a handwriting expert on this note from Robby’s dad?

Jordan’s Date

JoJo’s “sporty” look courtesy of Romy and Michele’s workout attire, the 2016 line.

JoJo can’t hold off of kissing Jordan for the 10 minutes they’ll be in this temple?… and nope, actually that adds up. Can someone put together a montage of all the times JoJo has made out this season.

Chase’s Date

Chase

“The small talk. The chatter. The feel. The touch. It’s all there. We’re in this magical place. With monkeys, and fishermen, and saltwater, and fish.”

I feel like Chase is listing off a word bank for the crossword puzzle that is this date.

Was anyone else secretly kind of thrilled at how sweaty JoJo’s hair got? The standards that woman was setting for perfect hair were just too GD high.

Robby coming by in the middle of Chase’s date is such a dick move on his part, and such a SAVAGE move on the producer’s part.

JoJo has more outfit changes in this episode than Cher Horowitz in Clueless.

“I bet she just had to fart and didn’t want me to hear.” - Chase’s pep talk to himself when JoJo leaves him alone in the fantasy suite.

Chase hits the champagne immediately after getting dumped and then somehow manages to find a beer before getting into the van. *Every girl in America experiences a spiritual SAME*

Rose Ceremony

JoJo to Chase:

Predictions

I have to guess that Jordan is going to win because I literally forgot Robby’s name up until tonight. I just can’t really believe this is the final two we’ve ended up with. JoJo has systematically eliminated every guy I thought was best for her, and then when I jumped to the next most logical suitor she got rid of him too. Am I alone in this??

[wyatp-blog]

Week 7

OMG we’ve reached hometown dates! Nothing is more fun than seeing the people these heads of hair popped out of. But seriously… did they all pop out of the same person?? No one can say JoJo doesn’t have a type.

Chase’s Date

LOL I’m sure Chase’s parents are super thrilled he’s talking about his “broken home” on National television. Also I’m from Colorado…. Highlands Ranch is neither the highlands, nor a ranch. They def had to drive out of town to get that shot of the flatirons.

I’ve learned a lot of terminology in my short time watching the Bachelor(ette). “Dropping Walls” doesn’t so much mean letting your GF/BF know the most intimate parts about you, so much as it means telling a sob story on national television.

Chase

“The divorce and all that stuff, it hurt me a lot. But I do see how much you love your wife. I’ve just had a hard time understanding why your first marriage didn’t work out.”

Chase’s Dad is confused what reality show he’s on, he didn’t realize he was signing up for Dr. Phil… and if he did he would have bailed, just like he apparently did to his first family.

Jordan’s Date

I’m slightly offended they make JoJo explain who Aaron Rodgers is. She’s like ‘Aaron Rodgers is a famous NFL quarterback, ever heard of him?’

Also is this not like a slap in the face to Aaron Rodgers?

Is it just me or does JoJo exhibit a lot of PDA in front of all these parents. My parents would be like “Alright we get it, you’re in love. We’ve been in love for 40 years you don’t see us kissing in front of you all the time.”

The other brother’s girlfriend looks like she’s definitely not going to be aloud to talk.

Jordan’s Brother

“You know as Big Bro, dude, I just want you to be like insanely happy. If this girl is gonna do that for you, than dude, hell yeah.”

How imagine Jordan’s response

“Yeah dude, fuurr shure, yas bro, fer shure.”

Robby’s Date

I swear to God I forget Robby’s name every time I have to write it

Is it just me or do the present these dudes bring to their families getting incrementally bigger every family?

Robby

“If it doesn’t work out it will be heartbreaking, but when it does work out, it will be a fairy tale ending.”

Well considering six out of 30 couples are still together… the odds don’t look good, bud.

Rose Ceremony

Classy touch holding the rose ceremony in an airplane hanger. It’s just like prom! Everyone took 4 hours getting ready, and they’re all hoping to score with the same girl.

Predictions

At this point it is abundantly clear that JoJo have polar opposite taste in men. Seriously... every time I get attached to a guy he leaves. Which sounds depressingly like my real romantic life... So I don’t think I’m qualified to make predictions anymore.

[wyatp-blog]

Week 6

This week is verging on boring. JoJo does pretty much everything we expected her to do. The guys sing yet another song, and I’m starting to pity the poor producer’s assistant whose job it is to write the little diddies.The upside is we get to see Alex in an absolutely ridiculous outfit, and get really turned on by Luke’s outdoor skills.

The date card to Alex

“I gaucho on my mind.”

I’m pretty sure gauchos on Alex would just be pants.

If these guys keep it going with the songs they’re going to give One Direction a run for their money. And, honestly, that wasn’t intended as a compliment, but I feel they would take it as one.

I have to admit I LOLed when I heard the chorus was “He needs a stool!!!!” Although I feel they are missing out on the stool sample lyric that could have naturally progressed from there.

Alex

“‘YoYo / JoJo / Gots to go to the liquor STOE!’ See what I did there?!”

Confirmed racial stereotypes?!?!

GD, leave that horse alone JoJo. There are plenty of other dudes who have signed up for you to fondle them. The horse is not one of them.

These dudes complaining about the authentic Argentinian barbecue they get for lunch…. They’re totally down to travel, as long as they don’t have to be exposed to any of the culture!!!

But can JoJo ever surpass the deep love James Taylor feels for this country?… As evidenced by his atrocious tattoo.

Jordan’s Date

TBH this grape squashing date would be kind of a dream come true for me.

Luke

“If you have box seats to the Superbowl every year, automatically you’re the front runner.”

He is aware this is a heterosexual show, correct? He knows they are pursuing a human woman?? Also, I think he is overestimating how often the Packers are going to the Superbowl.

PLOT TWIST: Jordan doesn’t even talk to his famous quarterback brother????????? So will JoJo still want to date him now that she can’t be sister-in-law besties with Olivia Munn?

Group Date

JAMES LITERALLY BITES OFF MORE THAN HE CAN CHEW. I’m sorry, I had to, that was low hanging fruit.

JoJo casually having the slumber party from the beginning of a porno.

Robby

“We dated for a little over three years, and I have never seen her house. I met her mom once.”

I think Robby is on the wrong show. I would have loved to see him on Catfish if only to put him in the same room as Nev.

Luke’s Date

Why am I so attracted to Luke’s equestrian knowledge…. I’m scaring myself.

Luke shoots all three of the clay disks…. Ahhh skeet skeet God damn.

Rose Ceremony

So it’s non stop complaints about the bus they have to ride earlier in the episode, but no one is going to mention the LITERAL BUGGY they take to the rose ceremony?

Well nobody's surprised that the two dudes who almost got sent home last week got sent home this week. Although James has the most gracious exit I’ve seen yet, and that was a bit surprising.

Predictions

Luke, Luke, Luke, all the way baby!

[wyatp-blog]

Week 5

Welcome to BUENOS AEHRIES, ARRRRRCHENTINAH. Or Buenos Aires, Argentina if you’re not trying to show off your 6th grade Spanish pronunciation. Things get serious as the suitors are dwindling…Well, not dwindling, JoJo still brags about her numerous boyfriends to a horrified Argentinian woman... But the boys are feeling the heat, and they start to turn on each other, all to our amusement.

Wells’ Date

Wells is the only guy there who hasn’t kissed her yet… *Every woman watching this nods her head and internally congratulates JoJo for being such a baller*

But seriously Wells. Get your shit together. JoJo will kiss just about anyone.

Wells

“Holy crap this is totally viable.”

Holy crap, he knows how to appropriately use the word viable!!! I don’t think any of the other suitors could… Lock it down JoJo!

I genuinely had to pause the show because I know she’s going to send Wells home, and it’s too much for my cold, dead heart to take. He’s the only reasonable/genuine dude on the show.

Everyone keeps saying “You deserve to find true love” and I’m like… generally speaking the people on this show are the lowest common denominator of human quality, so if they deserve to find true love, maybe we all do. MAYBE THERE IS HOPE FOR THE REST OF US!

Wait, JoJo breaks up with him before the show? ABSOLUTELY SAVAGE JOJO! Isn’t this, like, the Hamilton of Argentina?!... Now I see why Wells was crying.

Also, I would like to personally give an Emmy to the sound team who chose to score JoJo alone at the show/rave as if it was the Season 6 finale of Game of Thrones.

Group Date

James T.

“Just look at these guys. They’re perfect. I really do feel like I snuck on to a set that I’m not supposed to be on.”

Well yes, you did stumble onto a scripted series, but we all agreed to not talk about that. Secondly, DAMN JAMES! You’re the hottest one there!

James T.

“Jordan and all of these guys are incredible. I’m not going to blow anybody away with my looks or my abs. Jordan and Luke have a perfect smile, perfect tan. That’s kind of hard to compete with.”

Is he forgetting Alex is 4’11’’? I think you’re chill.

This is the first date that seemed like  a genuine good time.

Jordan

“How does my character get called into question, when I’m playing a poker game.”

Well I wouldn’t say poker ability has ever alluded to a high moral character….

Two-On-One Date

JoJo looks like the salsa girl emoji, and still want to be her.

My Sister-In-Law showed me a Buzfeed article that said they don’t actually eat dinner  on any of the dates, instead they eat at the hotel before hand… Now all I can focus on are the plates of uneaten food and wonder what lucky cast member is eating a juicy steak tonight.

JoJo keeps talking about how she wants a guy who is open and honest, but she continually chooses the guy she has to pull emotions out of.

Rose Ceremony

JoJo shows up in a dress straight out of Seventeen Prom.

Alex

“Everyone has had one-one-one time. They didn’t really feel what it felt like to be on the two-on-one. And I’ve never gotten a group date rose. So I was upset.”

WAIT. HOLD UP. Is this Alex asking for validation?!? For shame.

Shocker, JoJo doesn’t eliminate anyone… Probably doesn’t have anything to do with the fact she already eliminated two guys this week and if she eliminated anymore ABC would have to pace the season differently. I’m feeling very “whelmed” by this “drama.”

Predictions

JoJo cuts the Alex and James next week. Her final three is Chase, Jordan, and Luke. She ultimately ends up with Luke, Jordan is the next Bachelor. Woah… I’m feeling a bit confident aren’t I?

[wyatp-blog]

Week 4

Hello reality TV junkies, we’re back for week four of the Bachelorette. Alas, it’s time to say goodbye to Chad. Please take a *moment of silence* for the most entertaining contestant this franchise has ever seen, and cross your fingers he gets a protein packed spinoff.

Chad’s Last Moments

God bless the sound department that scored Chad’s approach of the house as if it were the 25th installment of Final Destination.

Chad to Evan

“Are you that broke? I thought you owned dick companies?”

Ahhh yes, the lucrative field that is ‘dick companies.’ The real benefit of that industry is that in college you get to Major in Dick.

Cocktail Party

JoJo is barely able to run in that dress, but damn does she look adorable trying to in that bouncer ball with Chase.

Luke

“I want you to know that I’m falling for you. The kind of falling for you… where… my heart beats……………………………………… a lot faster…… when I’m thinking about you….. and I’m not with you.”

First off buddy, you really need to work on your pregnant pauses. Second off, those heart palpitations might be cardiac arrhythmia, which also might explain the pregnant pauses, lack of blood flow to the brain and all.

Damn Daniel

“I just wasn’t the type of guy for her, and fair enough. She’s obviously going for personality, and my personality is shit.”

DAAAAMN DANIEL. Maybe this says more about me than him, but I think self-deprecating humor is the cornerstone of good personalities. Agree to disagree, but he was kind of growing on me.

Date with Jordan And Magazine Debacle

Alex

“I’m not here to compete or compare myself to a guy like Jordan.”

Are you familiar with the premise of this show? That’s literally what you are here to do.

The magazine with the slandering spread about JoJo just coincidentally appears in Vinny’s fake barber shop. LOL. So they’re not aloud to have cell phones, books, or magazines unless it serves to create drama?…. I’ll allow it.

These dudes are SO horrified that JoJo may have had feelings for another guy… remind me how that’s different from her swapping spit with everyone in the cast?

Group Date

Evan

“So I’m staring down this sand dune and I’m like, I’m getting another bloody nose today.”

Someone get this dude a box of tampons.

JoJo

“I’ll apologize to all the Chads out there who are good men, I just haven’t met one.”

Nah, no need to apologize. I think you hit the nail on the head.

Alex

“You can’t find this with text messages. You know, I texted her, she’s texting me an hour later games.”

WAIT. Hold up. Is he trying to insinuate that dating JoJo while she dates 11 other men is more intimate than modern dating? Bitch please, you obviously haven’t seen how charming I am via text. Also, that could be an article on Thought Catalog. “10 Reasons Millennials Have Ruined Love And Why You Should Try Polyamory.”

Alex is absolutely livid that Derek receives the rose for “reassurance.” Correct me if I’m wrong but wasn’t he the one who received a rose by default because he wasn’t Chad? Also I’m pretty sure that’s what the concept behind receiving roses is…. reassurance that she’s still interested.

Date with Robby

Robby thinks he’s in love with JoJo in the same way I’m pretty sure I’m in love with Vegas. I’ve never been there, but it seems like it’s a good time.

Rose Ceremony

Derek tries to confront the plastics and they’re just like “No it’s different cause on Wednesdays we wear Roses.” Mocking others because you perceive them as insecure is the epitome of high school clique behavior, so like yeah, Derek’s right.

I’m mourning the loss of Grant the hot firefighter from SF, but thanking the ED Gods I don’t have to look at Evan’s tight t-shirts anymore.

Predictions

Alex antagonizes Derek to the point that Alex becomes the new Chad. She goes on a date with Wells and he’s outrageously charming, but not for her, so he’s gone after one more week. She ultimately ends up with Jordan or James T.

This weekend is Pride in SF!! I encourage you all to hand out some roses of your own. See you next week!

[wyatp-blog]

Week 3 - Part 1

First off, I’m sorry for the delay of this post. I spent the first half of this week in LA and wasn’t able to catch the gem of a double-header ABC turned out for week 3 until I got back. So without further ado, let’s start with the contestant all the other contestants can’t seem to shut the fuck up about: CHAD! Oh Chad, you reality television genius. One half truth-bomb the other half nonsensical aggressor. Nothing gets me more fired up than someone who knows how to work the system, and one things for sure, win or lose this season everybody is going to remember Chad.

Date with Chase

JoJo’s never done yoga but she’s like, ‘I know I look good in the clothes, lets do this!’

Yoga Instructor

“How long have you guys been intimate?”

Lol at this yoga instructor pretending she doesn’t know exactly what’s going on. 50 bucks says she’s just a producer who can stretch really well.

Aaaaaaand we dive right in with the pelvis thrusts and moans, aka an “Angergasm.”  Here I was thinking by intimate they meant candles and joint poses. Bravo, ABC.

Back at the house Chad and Damn Daniel are having an “angergasm” of their own.

Chase whispers

“I got you”

Because he won’t just support you in yoga, he’ll support you in life!!! Do you get it JoJo?!?! It’s a double meaning!! HE IS SO RELIABLE!

Right as the start doing joint poses candles appear. I could be writing this show.

Just so everybody knows, Yab Yum is a straight up tantric sex position.

Any yoga session just would not be complete without a private concert by the dude from Lady Antebellum. What ABC couldn’t splurge for the actual lady?

Group Sex Date

Lol Chad not wanting to go on a date with 12 other guys seems pretty reasonable to me. These dudes are acting like he straight up ate all the meat plates before they could have any… Oh wait, maybe that’s what they’re mad about.

Jordan

“Whatever team Chad’s on let’s hope it’s a bench press competition not a spelling contest”

Yeah I’m with you Jordan, a spelling contest would be pretty boring. Plus Chad’s hot, I wouldn’t mind watching him bench press some more.

Everyone is so thrown off by this woman pretending to have an orgasm. It’s almost as if they’ve never seen a female orgasm before, and never mind, yeah that adds up.

I love hearing the producer ask “wha’t your favorite bodily fluid?” like it’s a totally casual thing.

Evan scheming to make Chad look bad is genuinely juvenile and off-putting. Additionally, he doesn’t actually open up about his sex life, so therefore he’s being just as disrespectful about JoJo’s wishes as Chad is.

Daniel

“Not everyone is going to agree on certain topics, but let’s not get physical here, let’s enjoy this, ya know?”

Damn Daniel is totally down to act like a meathead, right up until the point it becomes actually physical. That’d be too rude for his sweet Canadian heart.

Evan

“You owe me an apology, and a shirt, cause you ripped my freakin’ shirt!”

Maybe if he wore less tight shirts, they wouldn’t rip so easy…

Luke

“if I don’t get this date card I’m going to cry in a corner by myself.”

Wait but like can you actually show that???

LOL! Chad with some genuine poignant thoughts about the constant trivial small talk JoJo indulges, and tbh Grant does look a little bit like handsome Squidward.

ACTUAL THING THAT EVAN SAYS

“Hey boys guess what, Daddy made out with JoJo”

Actual reaction shot of me

Date with James T

The only interesting thing about this date is JoJo’s hair. Like, drop us a Youtube tutorial girl.

How many more times is James going to get credit for playing the guitar?? Ugh I’m bored. Can we get back to Chad??

Daniel

“Let’s be not so much like Hitler maybe be more like Mussolini, or Bush right? So take it down a notch.”

Damn Daniel has a weird scale for acceptable behavior. Either way you cut it Hitler and Mussolini were both responsible for genocide. This is concerning for the Canadian education system.

Pool Party

God bless the editors for cutting this conversation between Evan and Chris Harrison with Chad pumping mad iron. Sometimes the obvious choice is the best choice, ya know?

Btw this vendetta Evan has against Chad is the other side of the coin to the possessive boyfriend trope. Who is to say he won’t act this persistently controlling towards JoJo?

Predictions

N/A this week… I’ll try and get Part 2 up tmrw!

[wyatp-blog]

WEEK 2

Last night was the second episode of JoJo’s season of the Bachelorette, and it was LIT! (I can make fire puns too, ABC.) All jokes aside we now have a clearly defined villain, and a sidekick to boot. The problem is I’m not sure Chad is as much of an asshole as the producers want us to believe. Maybe it’s because I’m still new to the tried-and-true protocols of Bachelor culture, but I found myself agreeing with a lot of what he had to say. Mostly I’m a little taken aback at the intensity and frequency at which these guys are already gushing about JoJo. But I guess when you only have six weeks to fall in love you have to act fast; True love has no timeline… right?

James S.

“There is nothing that can give you the gift of watching a man, in this case a Chad, use a weight belt in such a revolutionary way, it’s a gift from above.”

I couldn’t have said it better, or more sarcastic myself.

GROUP FIRE DATE

So I’m just going to come right out and ask the obvious, isn’t it a little unfair to have the firefighter on this date? Not that I’m complaining, as I made abundantly clear in my last recap, he’s one of my favorites.

Back at the compound 12 shirtless dudes sit by the pool and make up a song with lyrics strictly comprised of JoJo’s name in seven different cadences. I feel like this is the male counterpart to the girls pillow fighting at a sleepover fantasy.

Chad

“Every guy here seems to be obsessed with JoJo already, and really we don’t know anything about her yet.”

EXACTLY. These are the dudes who literally have not been on a date with JoJo yet… whatever they know about her is 50% projection and 50% a persona curated by last season’s editors. I know Chad is supposed to come off as the spoiled sport here, but he has a point.

Just when you thought this show was getting progressive (LOL I didn’t actually think that) the first date is a literal damsel in distress scenario.

Robby

“Watching another guy go up to the top of that building and rescue the girl of my dreams, it hurts.”

Uhhh yeah, except for the part where she gets rescued and doesn’t burn to death, that should be pretty chill with you.

JoJo is an absolute baller with the number of dudes she has already kissed.

Is it just me or is the way Wells’ plays off his complete and total failure kind of endearing? He and JoJo seem to have a human conversation, so in Bachelorette terms a genuine connection.

DEREK'S DATE

Hold up… who the hell is Derek?

JoJo

"In life you have to make a lot of choices, and I feel like you can learn a lot about someone based on the choices that they make”

………. True. I'm making the choice to pretend I didn't hear that stupid comment and continue watching this show, and I know that can't say good things about me.

Back at home our designated villain (Meathead Man? Chiseled Chad? I haven’t settled on a name yet) and his sidekick Damn Daniel coordinate their costumes… sinister black bro tanks.

Chad

“If you were making a protein shake made of the group of dudes here, and then you know, blended it up, half of that protein shake would have zero chance.”

Alright, man. You were being really insightful before, now you can’t even complete your own protein-flavored metaphor?

SPORTS NATION GROUP DATE

Chad

“Y’all don’t know her yet, you can’t be in love with her. If you are that’s weird. And what’s to stop you from falling in love with the next pretty girl that walks up?”

Again, Chad has a point! I know quoting him is getting excessive but I have to get it all in before he inevitably punches someone for eating his protein powder and goes home.

James

“Who would have thought right? How the heck did they choose me? How the heck didn’t another guy choose you?”

His note isn’t all that well written, but his delivery is superb. Not to mention his timing on that kiss was absolutely perfect. *Aw* They did it… they got to my black heart.

That giant chair is so incongruous with the rest of the decor. You know the producer’s were like ‘Let’s get a big ass chair and make the short guy sit on it.’

COCKTAIL PARTY AND ROSE CEREMONY

The way these guys have been acting I was concerned they were dosing the booze with testosterone, but now I see it’s just that they’re feeding them strictly deli meat plates and buffalo wings. What a relief?

I once read a theory that suggested filmmakers use eating during emotional scene to make villains seem more sinister. It shows they are cavalier and have a lack of empathy. I think that’s what the producers are trying to accomplish by focusing on Chad’s ridiculous consumption of meat. That and the obvious meat head jokes…

I’m really devastated by the loss of Super Bachelor Fan, James S., but on the bright side he’s single now. Call me baby.

PREDICTIONS

Chad punches someone and gets sent home. Either that or he has a pulmonary embolism from the amount of meat he’s taking in. JoJo takes Christian on a one-on-one date and he opens up about this past. The Sperm counsellor gets kicked off… Fingers crossed on that one, the dude just irks me.

[wyatp-blog]

WEEK 1

This Monday was the premiere of the 12th season of the Bachelorette, and as much as I hate to admit it, I was part of it’s captive audience. I’m not a card carrying member of #BachelorNation, but as my repentant awareness of that term suggests, I have recently started watching the farce that ABC calls a quest for love. More specifically I watched Season 20 of the Bachelor, featuring the man sold to us as the most perfect bachelor yet, Ben Higgins. Our current bachelorette was one of two women whom Ben professed his love to, but was ultimately spurned; And thus I have been sucked into JoJo’s season of the Bachelorette, ever hopeful she will find requited love… or at least a spinoff.

I’ll be recapping the season with my own cynical touch. So, nameless readers of Internet junk, please accept this metaphorical rose, and join me on a journey of mocking love.

RECAP AND REINTRODUCTION TO JOJO

Thank God they flew JoJo out of landlocked state of Texas to California. Wistful voicesovers about one’s future are much better received when paired with sunset walks on the beach. No offense to that picturesque fountain she was staring into.

FORMER BACHELORETTE MEETUP

Allie’s advice

“The first night figure out who you really like, and ignore them for the first week.”

Damn girl, that’s savage. Maybe I should start applying this advice to my own romantic life… Remind me, how many of these Bachelor/Bachelorette couples are still together???

Kaitlyn to JoJo

“Do you feel, like, mentally ready to get engaged?”

Here is my fundamental objection to this show. Can you as an individual decide you are of an age, mind, and position in life that is suited for marriage, regardless of the partner with whom you choose to do it with? OR do you reach a point in a relationship where you know your partner well enough that you trust they will continue to support and love you for as long as you both shall live? I can honestly see arguments for both sides. The irony is the Bachelor(ette), a show that touts itself as the champion of romance, operates under the former and more pragmatic assumption.

WE MEET THE GUYS

Grant, 28, San Francisco CA, Firefighter Alright, I’m putting this in writing, I’m rooting for this dude primarily because of the gratuitous scenic shots of SF during his introduction. (Damn do I love this city.) Also, he’s an articulate firefighter, so that’s dope.

Jordan, 27, Chico CA, Former Pro Quarterback Oh shit his brother is Aaron Rodgers?!?! I hope he makes it to hometowns just so we can get some Olivia Munn screen time… Talk about the perfect woman.

James, 27, Phoenix AZ, Bachelor Superfan

Same, James, same. (Also is it just me or does he look like a hotter version of Freddie Prinze Jr.?)

Christian, 26, Los Angeles CA, Telecom Consultant Wait… they thought Ben Higgins was the perfect bachelor?? On first impression Christian is the ideal catch. Super hot, overcame a tough childhood, great job, articulate, and did I mention super hot? Twenty bucks says he makes it to the final four and is next season’s bachelor.

JOJO MEETS THE GUYS

First and foremost, the guys are right, JoJo looks unbelievable in that dress.

Nobody's surprised that the guy whose profession is listed as “hipster” claims to never have watched the Bachelor before… that would be too main stream.

Grant to JoJo

“I’m not going to do what Ben did to you last season, I’m not going to fall in love with two girls.”

Well, given the gender ratio of 25:1 I think that was statistically impossible… HOWEVER, he never said anything about falling in love with another guy, so…. Stay guarded JoJo!

The guy named James Taylor WOULD be an aspiring singer/songwriter…He probably fell into that career path organically.

I love how these macho males are so thrown off by Jonathan wearing a kilt. Like, HOW DARE HE NOT ADHERE TO AMERICAN GENDER NORMS?!?!?! For men who supposedly abide by traditional standards of masculinity they sure are spending a lot of time worrying about other people’s outfits.

Perfect dude from before (Christian) shows up on a motorcycle. I’m now 110% sure he’s not a real human.

COCKTAIL PARTY

JoJo

“It’s a little scary talking to these guys and not having that instant connection. I want to sit down with somebody and just feel that natural ease.”

A glorified game show is definitely the best place to find a non-forced connection… proceed.

Aaron Rodger’s brother retired from football last year and is now pursuing a career in sports broadcasting, that’s probably completely unrelated to his decision to go on national television to find love… right? #HereForTheRightReasons

The self-proclaimed manlier version of Ben describes Ben as a “soft, supple, smooth, friendly guy”… but he’s not attracted to Ben, because, uh, he’s rugged and, uh, manly. *SPORTS*

When did we all agree there was no reason in life to poke a man’s belly button?? Pretty sure the Pillsbury Doughboy made a whole career off of it.

ROSE CEREMONY

Chad is good looking, irrationally-over confident in his connection to JoJo, and already disliked by the other contestants. I can’t believe it took me this long into the episode to realize but, Chad is absolutely the new Olivia. I look forward to watching him get left on an island.

PREDICTIONS

Damn Daniel stays on for two more episodes for the sake of our amusement, then gets the boot. Jordan and Christian make it to the final four. The pastor turned sperm counselor only makes it to one group date. To the rest of you: