I get really turned on by being teased, and @cynicaldom loves seeing me desperate for him. It’s something we’ve been playing with quite a bit the last few months during blow jobs with relative ease. We often accompany this sort of play with dirty talk. CD will stroke himself in front of me and ask if I want to take him into my mouth. “Yes, sir!” I reply only to hear “Oh, but you don’t get to..” in response. Other times he makes me tell him why I’m desperate for his cock, or why I like sucking him off. You get the idea.
One day, he slightly shifted the wording. I asked for permission to suck his dick. “Do you deserve to?” he says with a smirk in his eye. I am positive that he’s playing, but I can’t help but feel like I’ve been hit in the chest and I want to cry. Mood ruined.
We talked about it afterwards. I had no idea that “deserve” what such a powerful word for me until he said that. He had no idea either. He’s just avoided using that term since then. Not a big deal.
It surprised me that I was so sensitive to that word though. I started wondering why that is. I remembered reading a post several months prior about long-term orgasm denial. The writer said that she occasionally gets grumpy about being denied, and that the quickest way to quell her attitude in that situation is for her Dom to ask her if she deserves an orgasm. That being asked that always humbles her. I have never been asked if I deserve an orgasm (with or without denial) but I suspect that it would make me feel unworthy. In fact, I think that my default would be to say “no” when asked if I deserve almost anything positive.
I’ve recognized that my instinct is to assume that people treat me in the way that they think I deserve to be treated. If they say something hurtful, they must think I deserved to be hurt. Or if their relationship with me is unfulfilling in some way, they must be doing that on purpose because they don’t think I’m worth the effort. Logically I know that often isn’t the case. More often, they didn’t know what they said was hurtful, or they had no idea that I needed something more from them.
It’s certainly true with CD. He does his best to take care of me and always has. We are different people though, and he doesn’t always know what I want or need. Over the years I have seen how if I speak up about what I want or need, he will fulfill it. I try to remember that he thinks I’m worthy of having my needs met, and the proof of that is how he has adapted to try to meet my needs.
Growing up I saw women who were just as hard working, thoughtful, kind or well-intention as I am, who wound up with jerks. I assumed that I would end up with a jerk too because I don’t deserve any more than they do. I thought that if I would get a decent guy, it would be pure luck. Yet I got so much more than a decent guy. I got a great man, who does his very best to take care of me, in my love language of being provided with protection, guidance and discipline. So when I start thinking about wanting or needing something else, my default is to assume I shouldn’t say anything, because I don’t deserve more than what I have. It seems ludicrous to consider asking for something else when I already have it so good. Better than I thought was possible. I’ve known for a long time that I struggle to speak up sometimes. The realization was that it was because I don’t feel worthy.
When I had this realization I didn’t mention it to CD at the time. I felt like I had made sense of things in my own head so I didn’t really need to.
One day we got into a conversation about D/s, and the responsibility that he holds for me. The discussion was sparked because CD has been dealing with some health insurance related issues for me. I knew it was stressful for him. I was asking him the same questions I’ve asked 500 times. “How is it possible that D/s doesn’t feel like a burden to you?” and “Why doesn’t taking control of my life AND yours drive you crazy like it would me?” He was giving the same answers as always. “We’re very different so it feels differently to me.” and “I feel honored that you trust me to lead you.” and “Yes the responsibility feels heavy sometimes, but I want that weight because I enjoy taking care of you.” I’ve heard it 500 times, and I believe him. I just struggle to escape my own world view. I wouldn’t take his role if you paid me a million dollars. I would be so miserable.
The conversation ended and a few hours later he calls me into the bedroom. He’s sitting at the very edge of our bed so I realize he’s going to spank me. I stand in front of him as he lowers my leggings. Then he pulls down my panties. He motions for me to go over his lap and I do.
He spanks me for a while before pausing.
“You’re a good girl. Some people just need to be spanked. And that’s okay.”
“I missed something I should have said earlier. What I said was all true, but it’s also just true that you need this. And you deserve to be taken care of.”
ellievsbear
izzy806
kianamaiart
baratheonpilled
snowghoul
jbbartram-illu
janainaart
andulkaphoto
