Lonely Girl @xdemonlimbsx - Tumblr Blog

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appalachian-in-2103-deactivated

yousaveeveryonebutwhosavesyou

sharpeshelen

please, don’t go.

citizen-zero

So in lore, vampires have this trait that I’ve almost never seen used, and that’s the fact that vampires are OBSESSED with counting things. Like, the Count on Sesame Street was almost certainly created specifically as a vampire because of this piece of lore.

Like, I read this vampire book years and years ago that explained that a surefire way to protect yourself from vampires getting into your house was to spread a ton of seeds on your doorstep–poppy and mustard seeds were particularly recommended for the purpose. Basically, if you suspected someone to be a vampire, all you had to do was drop a sackful of seeds on the ground in front of them.

If they didn’t immediately start counting them, they were not a vampire. However, if they WERE a vampire, they’d be seized with the urge to count all the seeds and they would not budge from that spot until they knew how many seeds there were in total. The point was to keep them there until the sun came up and killed them, because if they hadn’t counted all the seeds by sunrise they wouldn’t be able to leave. Presumably you could just go about the rest of your evening as normal, though no word on whether it’s possible to make them lose count and start over.

Having remembered this piece of lore, I want fewer stories about brooding tortured Edward Cullen-esque vampires. I want to start seeing more stories about math nerd vampires.

Vampire accountants who are an honest company’s best asset and a corrupt company’s bane because they are frighteningly accurate with the accounts and will not hesitate to blow the whistle on a CEO scamming money because fuck you for making the numbers wrong.

Vampire cashiers that don’t need to look at the register screen because they already mentally calculated your total. 10-items-or-less vampires who know goddamn well you have 20 items in that basket and NO, you cannot just slip in with the rest.

Vampire math tutors who are constantly in high demand and have to hold lotteries to see who gets to be tutored by them.

MATH NERD VAMPIRES

an-aura-about-you

If anyone would like the term for this, it’s arithmomania.

gosshiku-hime-wa-yami-san

“But sir, he’s a vampire!!!” “Vampire or not, he’s the best damn accountant we have here, and i’d let him drink my blood before i fire him!”

randomthingsthatilike1

“still less of a leech than Matt in legal. Fuck matt”

cappucino-commie

Okay but also, vampires as drug dealers- a profession that requires extremely quick, extremely accurate counting. “You’re 5 dollars short.” “There’s 50,000 dollars in there at least, how the fuck did you count that fast-” “Pay up or I will drink you like a slurpee.”

pencilias

madisonsarchive

bombgirls-deactivated20190827

irish-luthor

easiersthanlying

Halsey arrives for the 2019 Met Gala celebrating Camp: Notes on Fashion.

alianovnataliasoldblog-deactiva

froankie-deactivated20130715

#SHE IS NOT EVEN ANYWHERE NEAR THE GENERAL AREA OF FUCKING AROUND GODDAMN

all-fades-away

Hello Queen of Genovia

theroguefeminist

i read an article once that tried to “analyze” why so many people hate anne hathaway. i think the reason is because she’s a woman who sticks up for herself and stands up against sexism

captaincartervalues

Everyone talking about how much of a dork Kara is

And forgetting Lena is also a huge dork

babyanimalgifs

These two angels are amazing.

via @nessie_mcnubbs

lupesalvarez

Comments like that are definitely inappropriate, and it goes both ways, which is why I started wearing an undershirt.

chaotic-carnifex

Anyway if you’re from the US and you ever wanted to know what tumblr feels like from a non-USAmerican perspective (please note that the rest of the world is not a monolith either and none of these apply without exception):

Everybody’s talking about brands and stores you’ve never seen in real life. You generally assume they exist, but they might as well be one giant prank the rest of the internet is in on.

You find a post that just sounds wrong. It makes no sense. It’s like OP lives in a weird alternate reality. 9/10 times, it’s just some USAmerican Thing.

You’re still not entirely sure how much an inch is. Or a foot. Or even how many of the former there are in the latter. You maybe know your height in feet and inches.

You have no idea how much a pound is. You’d also like to know how the fuck pound shortens to lbs.

What the fuck is “military time”

Somebody talks about some legal process or something similar. They don’t mention which country’s legal system this pertains to. You know anyway.

People talk about politics. None of it pertains to you. Many posts contain guilt tripping. “How can you not care about this?? Why won’t you reblog this?? People need to know this about x candidate for y position!” You’re busy trying to stay on top of the political landscape in your own country.

You pick up some random slang from the internet. Monkey see monkey do. You’re called racist. You didn’t know it was AAVE. You learnt it from black letters on white background, not from the mouths of people whose faces you could see. How would you have known? You try to unlearn it.

People tell you that you must publicly denounce Chick-fil-A or you’re homophobic. You don’t even know what a Chick-fil-A is.

People say you don’t know LGBTQ+ history. What they mean is you don’t know USAmerican LGBTQ+ history. Nobody cares about your country’s history.

You’re “called out” on using an “offensive” term. It’s (a direct translation of) a completely harmless word where you live.

People expect you to have an idea of how far apart 2 USAmerican states are. You barely know geography past your country’s immediate neighbors.

You randomly switch between British and American spellings. Nothing’s real and there are no rules.

People talk about multiple hour car rides and you get twitchy just thinking about it. You suddenly understand why USAmerican cars are so big.

Somebody talks about school shooting drills. You only ever had fire alarm drills.

You see a cool statistic. The study’s only about the US. It’s unfortunately of no use to you.

People misuse/misspell words and names from your native language. It’s tiring.

(You feel sorry for the French. Nobody should be allowed to mangle the word déjà vu like that.)

You’re still not over the fact that USAmerican school children are supposed to say that pledge thing every morning. You’re never getting over that.

You still don’t know why the men are fresh or what the fuck a sophomore is.

Who the fuck pays up first and then fills up gas??? That’s made up, right??

Everybody has a weird obsession with some comfort food you’d never even heard of before you signed up here.

Fellow non-USAmericans, please add anything else you can think of.

languageoclock

people all laughing at some youtube video that’s blocked in your country

seeing every other studyblr making back to school posts, when it’s literally the middle of the school year where you live

what is sat? what is a gpa??

you mention your school uniform and suddenly everyone assumes you go to some really posh private boarding school

no-passaran

“The president”, “our government”… nobody ever mentions whose president, what government, but we all know it’s the USA’s anyway because they’re the only ones who don’t need to specify

“Every year there are [x number] of [x thing]”. First you assume it’s in the whole world, just to click the source link and find it’s only in the USA. For some reason they didn’t feel they need to specify that it was about only 1 country

Someone honestly apologizes saying “I’m sorry you got offended for what I did”. That’s how it’s said in your language. People get angry. You read the apologize post and everything seems very correct and that the person has learnt from that. Everyone says they cant apologize with that sentence and say all kind of insults about them. You decide to never write anything ever, not knowing how people would take your words

samnites

blogs about your country, usually with the name of whatever country in the url, getting posts taken out of context by americans who still think it’s about the usa.

talking about the political leaders in your country as well as their opponents and having an american come to you and say, “but what about bernie sanders?”

americans thinking that american laws are somehow international and that your country must be under the same laws as america

being told that your and others opinions on your own country’s issues are wrong, even if they are commonly held and progressive views, because it should be more like america instead according to an american.

being shamed for caring about american politics and told to stay in your own lane because ‘foreign policy isn’t the only policy’, but also being shamed for not caring enough about american politics because it also effects ‘everyone’ even when talking about ‘internal policy’