it’s a lot
random nice words and sentences
but also ugly thoughts and voices
wasn’t there, didn’t know
you needed me, i turned to go
such a pain, sleeping cold
a hypocrite, a broken code
i felt, i didn’t know, they didn’t--
the art of feeling, no one is fluent
let’s revert, restart, rewind
all that we are, we’ve been
we can never be now, always was
surreal, unreal, no--what?
why? you didn’t tell me, yet you did
you let me know, but to others--?
did you, too? am i alone?
as you were, as i am, now
azure, blue, white, blue, blood.
and all is done. so close and not--
i was there but wasn’t, i’m scared.
sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry
and a decade. there’s nothing to do.
i want to do nothing, with you.
but you wanna do nothing with you
and one last thing you did before
that nothing at all
nothing is what i am
everything is what you are
and could’ve beens
he wasn’t my what-if, she wasn’t--
they weren’t--I am not a what-if
but you are. are a mystery
are. was. no! are? always.
i see you everyday i lie
you’re not a mirror. don’t fly
away, my comfort, my nothing
i’m dying--no. we’re laughing
but in this “we”, i’m just me
me, singular, dismantled
like all the feelings i’ve taken
for granted. now, feeling all
and nothing. i’m feeling you--
creeping, crying. i wanna cry
with you, lie with you
punch everything. ruin, ugly
like every fiber of my being
take me away, can i take
me away? i’m a carousel
you’re joy, intoxicating
but sad, angry, guilty
still here, you never leave
or am i stuck here, to weave
dark robes and gray clothes
replacing like a lost ghost
i’m buried but i’m falling
are they catching me, only
to be dragged underwater
but it’s mud, dirt, hard things
i’m choking and dreaming awake
but i’m just here, unmoving
i’m hiding in a deep, dark lake
i can never be found because
no one looks at me, i’m right
here, away. like you were.
i wrote this more than three years ago, a friend of mine had just took his own life in a church near us. he used to stay in our house and just do nothing, like a sometimes-sibling. i used to give him part of my pack lunch because i hate food even then. when we started college, he asked me multiple times to meet up, chill out and things--our schedules never totally matched and i was too stupid not to make time. until it was too late, that is.
i was going through a lot of things that time, feeling a lot of things. everything just poured right out of me. i can’t even remember my train of thought, i can’t follow my sentences, these were barely coherent--my brain was all over the place and my emotions probably were even worse. this is a meltdown baby, i think.
i hope i could’ve done things differently, handled them differently. but here i am now. i want this to be saved here (im basically just saving things here, like a fucking cloud drive or something) so i can reminisce how strongly i feel, how much love i would’ve given if i knew how to give it. a reminder also, for me, to reach out to those i love. it could have saved me and them.