All Will Be Revealed

[xhrdn]

Artist: xhrdn (me)

[xhrdn]

Emotions. pt 1

Never in my life did i share emotions. I never came home crying or came home to talk about my day. I would never share my troubles with my grandmother (who raised me) or anyone else i have ever been close to. And yes i know that is a flaw. Though i may have seemed like an emotionless asshole, even when i heard the insults and heard shit talking, i was not interested in feeding those actions annnnnd that backfired. Truthfully i felt everything and some. But i could not talk or vocalize how i felt. I feel fairly close to Buddhism and always felt that i should not impose my will on others. Just let them be… So i did…

The hardest thing was that i was being hurt by peoples actions and distancing myself from said person. Only worked when it was an isolated incident.

I have always been empathic and that is how my relationship with my grandmother (mom) was. It is ironic because i can make you feel what i feel, or so i thought but people can interpret energy with their misconceptions and misread it easily (me included). Ironically enough telling someone how i felt was not even possible and sharing a feeling was out of the question. Connecting with anyone was hard… so i used a crutch and kept relationships at the most comfortable distance i could.

That being said it doesn’t mean i don’t feel, it means i feel energetically. Just like you felt my energy i felt yours. And thank you for sharing your energy with me.

I am a very private person, shy and have problems sharing emotions or feelings… I have never been able to tell a girl how much i liked her. I would get so close and my throat would start drying up and i would start choking and felt water works start…. Even when just mentioning emotions. Because of that and a childhood traumatic experience, most of the girls I have dated have initiated our relationships. I truthfully have only made the first move, asking a girl out 2 times. That was also because I never thought much of myself, i could not even initiate propose a sexual scenario because of the trauma. Even though i had these problems i knew we all deserved a person that thought we were amazing. So i was in no hurry… (at least that was the reason i told myself)

Since i can feel emotions ive always been very nurturing to people. I gave a lot. And its weird what they say, you cannot love anyone until you love yourself but i definitely did. Ironically enough it was not on their terms.

As a boy i felt like i was abandoned or unwanted but i buried it deep. I never had a dad and i had this intense hate for myself that i did not know the origen of.

My mom sent me away when she got together with her new boyfriend, now my step dad. She sent me to my uncles in east LA and then send me to San Diego, which is where I grew up. Between that and this intense situation with my babysitter all her friends, her mom chasing me down the street yelling profanities at me. I thought i was sent away because of this, i was only in kindergarten. This stemmed my low self esteem and self hatred.

Emotions are so complex that sometimes there are things we never think of when we see someone react. I will touch on it and other subjects. While all this is sounding negative theres is a deep understanding of everything that has happened and speaking about ones traumas makes them your stories not your shame

[xhrdn]

Memory.

I’ve never had the best memory. When i was taking drivers Ed in my high school. A class mate asked me her name every day for a month. I remembered it by the last day (class was a month long)

Come to find out i have something called trauma block. It started when i was a boy and my mother sent me away….

Those years ago when I had a slight memory fart where i did not remember a lot of new faces…. Well i went though some intense trauma’s that will be shared

My memory has since recovered but not fully because those memories were not revisited, between the 3 years of no consecutive nights of sleep copious amounts of coca cola and alcohol and having a memory assistant (best friend) that would always remember for mw who was who. I think the traumas shocked me into forgetting certain periods of time.

Does not mean that if you try to spark my memory i wont remember your. Fact i wish we would have done that. But yes it is awkward seeing someone or feeling that someone you know is close and looking over and not knowing if its someone i know. So you wait for them to at least look over and say something to verify but they pretend they don’t see ya because they think you are avoiding them…. Tragically they assume i’m a dick and i assume it is not the person i thought. Cause i had shared the memory thing but not as in a you don’t matter but as in a if you see me and i don’t recognize you then just fucking jog my memory. I would of if i needed to help a friend….

Ill cover why idid not rely on my empathic intuition in another section. With out explaining a lot i was emotionally abused and gaslit into not trusting my intuition by an Ex.

[xhrdn]

If you find this, maybe you want some answers. I hope this helps you understand… 🙏🏽🙌🏽🤍