天

星 ( xīng ) : star My writings here, so please credit them and do not steal. Personal blog: gessekaii

[xingflowers]

The moon has me in tidal lock. 
 I imagine my lips on his. My hands in his. My body with his. My mind is in a dense daydream, and I cannot tell what’s reality. 
 Is this what my mother felt? The feeling of being high in a smokey euphoria, that she gave away her body five times to a man. God forbid I repeat her footsteps and give myself away four more times. 
 I am afraid of the consequences for throwing myself over a cliff. 
 In this fall, the moon is my witness and she is responsible for my madness. She calls me Icarus, she calls me a foolish woman. She calls me Izanami, who burns. 
 I am Lilith, angry and lustful. 
 I am Juliet Capulet, naive and unfortunate. 
 I am Lady Akashi, who sacrifices and suffers. 
 To love this deeply is my grave mistake. My mistake in which it brought me the most happiness. 
 If I love this harshly, it may create my soft landing, my soft death. 
 I ask the moon for help, but instead she smiles and watches me fall. 
 I’ve asked too late.

G. | To Fall, To Love This Harshly

[xingflowers]

Mother, you poisoned me.

Before you left, you let snakes go down my throat. I talk like an angel, but deep down I am venomous and ready to kill.

Mother, I think I heard you laugh.

My face red and swollen, because serpents wouldn’t let me breathe. I was crying because no one came to hold me.

Mother, would you be laughing if you knew about my choking?

I screamed “Death! Take me now!” as I tried to hang below those flowery branches. That day, a man has cut me with his knife and laughed at my rejection and uncomfort.

I woke up with the rope still around my neck and I was right next to him in bed.

Mother, what’s like to be the devil?

What’s it like to be named after so pure, but in reality be like a weed? I’m sure you killed without hesitating.

My face, your face, are alike. My anger and yours, hot and very similar. My envy and greed and yours, identical. Why must I be cursed to be like you?

If I wanted, I could choke myself to death again. I’ll screamed “I don’t want to be the devil!” Although I had unknowingly, and unconsciously followed your steps.

At least I am ashamed for acting like a wild animal.

Mother, the day you cried, you did not care. You walked away.

I was helpless. The wound, the mistake. My father was helpless.

My aunt was furious. My brothers and sister, confused. It was meteoroid impact on the moon.

How could I call you my mother when all I learned is the knife carried in your hand?

G. | Mother

[xingflowers]

I could’ve sworn I was already dead, but like Izanami, she was very well alive in the underworld. Though, she was like a peach who withered into soft skin and pit. My body certainly doesn’t spoil.

Like her death, I burned, burned, burned.

I watched my son burn.

And I swore I’ll kill a thousand of his people. For my husband, who has not done one thing for his boy.

I took his woman and their children. I took his court, his palace walls, his citizens, until everything were in ashes. Their screams, like a harmony hummed with passion. And then, the wind sang its solo.

I watched the breakdown of a tyrannical king. He ripped his neck open, and howled. He echoes “What have you done!?” I said, “My revenge.” I watched the excessive pride in a man die an instant death.

His eyes melted into blood like his father, Izanagi.

G. | Izanagi and Izanami Repeated

[xingflowers]

KAGUYA-HIME: Once one has drank the elixir of life, death is untouchable. How unfortunate I was held by the jaw and forced to drink it. Time does not exist for me, and I’m no longer like a star.

G.

[xingflowers]

DEATH (死)

一。 In the moonlight, I run in a field of colorful flowers. In shades of red, pink, blue, yellow, orange and violet.

二。 In this dream, there is only tranquility. You and me, content in this imaginary world where there isn’t a melancholic moment. The stars above us twinkle brightly and tell us stories. We read them, and the rotating hemisphere is like a page of a book turning.

三。 This fantasy is crushed by the hammer of reality. You and I, no longer in the same realms. I live among the hydric stars and you live among the field of flowers. I wish I could feel the cold grass underneath my feet, and the fragrance of the flowers fill my lungs and refresh my body.

四。 So many times, I wished to live in the moonlight. Why didn’t I think I would miss the delights of the sleeping earth?

G. | Response poem to Gessekai by Buck-Tick

[xingflowers]

September. It's a new moon tonight, and my heart feels like a vacant room. Though, I know in the coming days, the moon will wax and I will feel beautiful and fulfilled. The virgo constellation is my witness and the planets will lead my path. I wish upon the stars to take care of me.

G. | September

[xingflowers]

"Now that the moment has come to put on the robe of feathers, how longingly I recall my lord!" A line from Kaguya-hime's last letter to the Emperor.

Fifteen phases marks this day.

In fear, I begged to God to take me away. I cried for many nights, and kept my darkest thoughts in a little box. The moon waned, and I held onto my pain. In front of the 30 day old moon, I was happy. The moon waxed, and tears fell. I knew that day was coming. In the greatest agony, I begged to God to kill me.

The full moon, illuminated more than what I’ve ever witnessed, pushed the walls around me and they rolled like ocean waves. Me, small and vulnerable, was then exposed to God. He could’ve aimed his arrow to my heart.

I drank the elixir of life, gold smeared on my lips, and the taste of honey that lingered onto my tongue.

My mortal status– stripped away.

I wore the feathery robe, and thought, “I go.”

Free like a bird, free from the dirtiest land. I am free from the constructed and corrupted society of man. I am free from the heaviest thoughts of my mind and heart. I let go.

But I do not let go of the love from a mother and a father.

My father, who took me to my first home and became a wall to protect me. My mother, who was soft and kind, raised me to be firm but gentle. They were the first kinds of love I experienced. I was too comfortable with their love, and I refused all the other kinds. Nothing can replace my first love.

I desperately cling onto what’s left of me.

“I go,” I tell myself as my mind resets. It was like a bright light slowly flashed through my eyes, and then I felt nothing.

“I go,” I tell myself as I forget about selfish, in vain and superficial love from men.

“I go,” I tell myself as I’m leaving behind my childhood, my memories, my lessons, my home and my love all behind for a new beginning.

I looked down at the marble of hazy blue and green.

I thought to myself,“Who would ever think flying away could be a heavy journey.”

G. | Kaguya-hime, the silver bird in her flight.

[xingflowers]

I’ve become much closer to heaven and I can taste the silver lining of the stars.

[xingflowers]

I look out from my balcony. There are palaces and temples below my feet and I had taken over all of them, but it isn’t enough. Is this what rulers like Wu Zetian and Cleopatra felt when they had the world in their hands?

G.

[xingflowers]

Within me, I felt millions and millions of dead stars collapsing and bursting into supernovae. They rip each other apart, and create the most beautiful performance. For that moment, I felt alive.

[xingflowers]

I kiss a girl and the taste of vanilla lipgloss stains my mouth. Moonlight shines on her teeth when she smiles. She laughs because her daddy doesn’t know she’s been fooling around with a woman in bed.

G.

[xingflowers]

一。 Mama told me,“Do not fall in love so easily. Be aware of the snakes, the wolves, and the demons in men. They all have their ways with luring in the women and most aren’t lucky to be alive by the next morning. Forge your sword and shield before they come to attack.”

二。The first time I was kissed, I didn’t noticed I was blindfolded. By the second kiss, my wrists were tied. And by the third kiss, I am stripped down, my legs impure. Mama didn’t told me about the things demons could do.

三。Whether short tempered, gentle, loud, sensitive, or modest, they’re all the same. They either ask for the keys or they come in with hammers. And they take and take. With every demon I’ve kissed, they all robbed my mirror of purity, my book of trust, my lamp of hope and my journal of sanity.

四。 Flowers of exhaustion, diamonds of pretend, cigarettes of anger and a mirror of impurity are replaced. My door is replaced with suspicion. I’m harder to love and stricter to who sees me. This is the way Mama probably would’ve liked but also worried the most.

五。I am too hard on this world. Everyone, temporary beings, who roam around endlessly on hurting others. Some had hurt me too. Recently, a demon made of glass and soft feathers. Whose embrace I felt the safest in.

六。They make you feel like heaven. I was lying on the highest cloud with the crown of stars feeling like the only queen. They make you feel things that aren’t usual in daily life. Like the unusual height of self-esteem, and the overwhelming love for the littlest things. They worship you. They make you feel like the only perfect beings on earth.

七。Mama told me,“You are beautiful and complete on your own.” I know, but it was not enough. He made me feel your words, but snatched them away. It was like he pulled off my starry crown and ran off. My heaven gone, and a desert is home now. You were right to be aware of those demons. They lure in their prey and either rip their guts out or suffocate them to death. I am lucky to get out of it alive.

They Make You Feel like Heaven. July 19th. | G.

[xingflowers]

The constellation Cancer now rules the sky. The moon and I, more intimate than ever. I take off my robe and bathe in the water, blessed by her light. From the conception of Autumn, the cold womb of Winter, the labor of Spring, I am reborn in Summer. Like Aphrodite rising from her waters, I rise too in refreshed beauty. The moon dresses me in a pearly complexion, sapphire eyes and a silver veil. I then dress myself in a silk gown to complete her artwork. She watches the woman of her dreams walk on this earth.

G.