"You're pure like white snow..." his words echoed inside me and I felt like roaring loudly. It's definitely not the first time others' impressions of me sounds like a pink cotton candy. Pure, innocent, good girl, good woman, angel, soft...
I get it. I grew up in a religious world, in which my own urge to escape my feminine body found supportive excuses, via ideas such as purity, modesty, goodness, humility etc. For years, I've tried to escape my form through denial and hate, as well as spiritual mindset that dismiss the body. And I guess that it can still be felt to some degree, in the nuances of my manners and appearance.
But his comment opened a raging voice in me- "I'M NOT WILLING TO BE STRIPPED OF MY HUMANNESS!"
As I've been listening to that voice, in the last few months, I was able to understand that I'm wishing to be seen in all of my humanness. But what I can only do, is give myself exactly that. Keep allowing my flaws to exists without shame, keep exploring my own boundaries without guilt, keep diving into my own sexuality and sensuality with or without a partner, keep learning my desires, keep failing and rising, keep hurting and healing, keep on tending to my womb's pain; Keep on doing it all in my own pace, free of ideas of what's considered liberated enough, free enough, feminine enough, desirable enough, authentic enough or raw enough.
The upcoming holiday is called Shavuot, and its essence is the acceptance of the Tora. A wise teacher said "each organ inside me, which I accept, is an organ that the Tora can enters to...so in this time of holiday, take the time to go through each and every organ of yours and accept it".
To be a constant pink cotton candy isn't my desire. To be good, I acknowledge and willing to face the bad. To be soft, I acknowledge and willing to be rigid, to be sacred, I accept the body and her needs. (As for 'purity', this is a manipulative notion, which been used for centuries in patriarchal systems and religions, as a double edged sword, to control and degrade women and their bodies, so thanks but no!).
I'm human, I'm a woman, and each organ of mine is a wild animal.
And I don't mind if you're unable to see me fully, but I'll be damned if I'll miss out on my own fullness.