Starting the conversation had been his first mistake as even the sound of Yasmin’s voice uttering his name wrenched at his heart and made his stomach turn over. It was probably ridiculous, to still be this hung up on a girl who he was supposed to have left in the past along with his other regrets and mistakes; however, truthfully, she was neither of those things. Yasmin somehow managed to shine through the shadowy resentments in Benji’s memory and remain a beacon of goodness. It had been too good for him then and she was still, probably, too good for him now. His eyes drank her in where his mind was refusing, taking in each feature with the same pang of painful nostalgia that tinged their every shared memory. Even underneath the toils of her workout and the effects of the elements, she was striking. What had been girlish back when they had met was womanly now, in a way that he was sure captured the heart of many a poor man in addition to his own. Just the thought of the number of gazes she must attract sends a shiver of distaste down his spine. Jealousy had never been an issue with him and Bea but with Yasmin, the story had been different. She had made him feel different. The attention being drawn to Emi snapped Benji out of his reverie, dropping his gaze from the wind bitten tip of her nose to the small girl snoozing peacefully in her stroller. “Emi, yeah,” he couldn’t keep the affectionate lilt out of his voice, a flicker of a smile passing over his features. She was too precious when she slept, long lashes casting shadows on the soft, plump skin of her cheeks. If he’s surprised that Yas knows Emi’s name, he disguised it well.
It shouldn’t be all that shocking, given how clearly he remembers every little detail about her. The way she’d look in one of his dress shirts falling down to her thighs or the smell of her hair as she tucked her head under his chin ring out like crystal if he calls them to mind. He’s made a habit of avoiding the practice. The memories were in a vibrantly technicolor splashed across his thoughts now as he opened his mouth to speak, to say something to fill the void of silence that seemed to put more distance between them than any physical space could. Instinctively, Benji lifted a foot to rest on the lower rung of the stroller, pushing it back and forth anxiously while also simultaneously serving as a lulling motion to keep his sleeping daughter at peace despite his turbulent shift in mood. “I suppose she’s a fair bit bigger now,” he said at last though he was certain the delay had already been noticed. It vaguely occurred to him, then, that Yas had asked him a question before asking after the small tot. Leave it to Benji to get so caught up in Emi that he completely forgot about himself, even in conversation. “I’ve been alright. Uh, busy, y’know?” His shoulders lifted in a shrug – it wasn’t like his life had been all that interesting in the time they’d spent apart. Responsibilities and being an adult were the thankless duties to which he’d resigned himself by choosing his grim reality over the dazzling alternate existence time with her had painted for him. “How about yourself? You look…” he regretted starting that statement nearly as much as he did starting the conversation overall, “…great.” Not his best work but truthful all the same.
Kneeling down, Yasmin shrunk to the strollers size to meet the dozing girl’s eye level, or rather shut-eye level. Engulfed by layers of clothes and cozy blankets, she was like a baby bird sheltered in a nest made of fine fabrics instead of prickly twigs. She couldn’t help but softly coo, admiring Emi’s angelic demeanor and innocent, transfixed expression. At such a short distance, she could notice the toddler’s tufts of hair poking out from underneath her hat, her chestnut locks contrasting with the cap’s vivid color. Reluctantly, Yasmin returned to adult size, reentering the painfully awkward situation. “She’s beautiful, Ben,” she remarked, her words lingering with her puffs of visible breath. And then there was silence. Noiseless, neither of them itching to strike up more conversation. Yasmin was frankly waiting for his answer to her original, cordial question, yet he was seemingly disconnected. She figured Benji was still in awe of their encounter, possibly reminiscing as she was, both of them venturing through their surreal past in the very strained present. She noticed him processing a thought, opening a lip to voice whatever was going on in his vibrant mind. Yet like a shooting star, the light of a fleeting idea scintillated in his iridescent eyes until it vanished in the same moment.
Finally he spoke up, a comment about the slumbering Emi. “A bit bigger” was an understatement in Yasmin’s eyes. Her perspective, altered by the long interval without seeing Emi, is far different than his. Benji had the privilege to watch the tot grow mere increments day by day, leaving him unable to see how much Emi has truly matured. “Busy,” she replied, unintentionally mimicking his answer. They were both busy bees, coming home to different hives. As Benjit began his statement regarding her appearance, she held in a breath, the suspense magnifying. The more pause, the more she anticipated alternative adjectives. She looked ... nice? content? ghastly? Goddamn would he make up his mind already. When he settled on great, Yasmin smiled in return, mostly relieved by the long-awaited compliment, yet he could have just said that to fill the air with something thicker than tension. He certainly appeared contrite, the way his muscles tensed. She wondered how she’d picked up on the small idiosyncrasy — perhaps she was simply intuitive, perhaps she knew him better than she wished she did. “Thanks, so do you,” she reciprocated, unfortunately sincere. Of course the irrational side of her yearned for him to be lost after years without her, though she couldn’t be that arrogant to truly believe it. By the way he looked at his one and only child was inhumane in the best possible way — in that no human, with their caustic imperfections and violent delights, can muster as much love as Benji does for his daughter. “What have you been up to?” She inquired kindly, though she figured he’d say primarily taking care of Emi.
amandla
areudirty
titsay
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
2087
vaporwave
ellievsbear
turnnoffyourmind
stormborns