And you never knew how much I really liked you
The first song Joshua wrote was when he was eleven. It wasn’t good. It sucked, actually. But at least, he wrote a song. It was written in English, his first language. Korean was his second language. It was more a poetry than a song, and it talked about an elf who, after a curse, went to the witch who cursed him to break the malediction, but ended up falling in love with her. Joshua was mama’s boy, so she encouraged him to keep writing. And he did it. Now he was a songwriter, who wrote songs for a trio.
The trio was formed by Boo Seungkwan, Lee Seokmin and Kwon Soonyoung. But he wrote in Korean, because none of them could understand English.
BooSeokSoon. And they were famous. So famous they filled stadiums. And he was backstage, writing, but he was okay with that. He never was such an extroverted person, who liked being on a stage in front of a crowd. His twin brother, however, was. In fact, he was a musician, too. Jeonghan opened BooSeokSoon’s concerts every time, playing his acoustic guitar and singing his self written songs. He was talented, maybe more talented than Joshua, and there had always been competition in their family. But Joshua loved Jeonghan and Jeonghan loved Joshua, so that competition lasted for a very short period of time.
He wrote his second song at fifteen. It talked about his family. About his dad, who abandoned them, one day. About their rage. That was a good song. When Mr. Hong went away, and left them, Jeonghan was pure rage. He was only ten, but he started to smash his toys against the wall, he started to shout and yell. Joshua, instead, was silent. He cried every night in his bed, hugging his pillow.
- Be angry, Joshua. Fuck! Scream, rage. - Jeonghan said, at fifteen.
- I swear when, where and how I want. I want you to be angry. I want you to let off steam.
- I can’t, okay? I can’t.
- I don’t know. I’m blocked. There’s something that keeps me here, while you go on. There’s something that keeps my mind back to that day.
Joshua couldn’t let it go. He had never been able to let it go, to forgive his father. Jeonghan didn’t forget what he did, either, but at least he let all that pain go away with all the rage he had in his little body.
His last song, the one he was writing, was about love. It was rare, Joshua never wrote about love. He always wrote about pain, and guilt, and grief. But now, he was writing a love song. He was writing with his sketchbook and his pen (he preferred the old style), with a soft light, until he heard the door opening.
- For God’s Sake, it’s four a.m. What are you doing awake?
- Joshua, you know I agree with your creative flair. But you need to sleep.
- What are you writing, anyway? - Jihoon, his producer, approached him with a curious look.
- What do you want me to tell you?
- What kind of song, for example.
Jihoon was the typical cynical person who didn’t really like love songs. He preferred something heartbreaking, something sad or even angry. But what Joshua was writing was, actually, sad and heartbreaking. But it talked about love, anyway. A never started love, two people who never said what they felt to each other.
The kind of love that flew between him and Seokmin.
Joshua met Seokmin when Jihoon introduced them to each other, with Seungkwan and Soonyoung. And immediately, Joshua fell desperately in love with him. With his bright smile and his joyful eyes, and he knew for sure his love was reciprocated. Why? Because nobody ever looked at him like Seokmin did. Seokmin’s happy eyes looked at him with admiration, not only for the songs he wrote for them, but for… What else? Lots of things.
He knew that because Jeonghan told him. And Jihoon too. And Seungkwan. And Soonyoung. Lee Seokmin was in love with him and he was in love with Lee Seokmin, but none of them had the guts to tell that to each other.
Jihoon looked at him, frowning. - And what does this love song say?
Joshua was one of few words.
The saddest thing I've ever seen
How much I really liked you
Because I never even told you
Jihoon read, his frown always present on his face. Then he looked at Joshua, who just raised his eyebrows. - Don’t like it?
- No, I mean. These are the best lyrics you’ve ever written. But you know Seokmin is gonna read it, right?
- And, what do I care about?
- I’m glad you don’t care that you won’t be our songwriter anymore.
- Oh for god’s sake, Joshua Hong. How could you be so oblivious?
- Stop asking fucking questions.
- I don’t understand you, Jihoon. Genuinely.
- The fact that I have to explain this to you makes me mad. - Jihoon read the song again, louder. - And you never knew how much I really liked you. What is this, a fucking declaration of love to Seokmin or what?
Jihoon raised his eyebrows, letting the sheet go.
- Even if it was– Why wouldn’t I be your songwriter anymore?
- Because you two would fight. Or, worse, fall in love.
Joshua tried not to blush at that option. Fall in love? That was a dream. Joshua had never fallen in love with anybody. He had never had a relationship or something like that. While he watched his brother being in love with Choi Seungcheol for years, he was alone. But he wasn’t ready. He was okay with that. He had never been a romantic kind of person. He never wanted to commit, and even if he liked Seokmin, he liked him so much, at the point he even thought he loved him, he wasn’t sure he wanted a relationship. Because he was used to being alone.
- We won’t fall in love. And we won’t fight.
- My instinct. And facts.
- The fact that you two are in love with each other. And either you fight or fall in love.
Joshua stopped to think for a moment. - And what problem would there be if we fell in love?
- I think you’re smart enough to understand it.
Jihoon took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose with the index finger and thumb. - Joshua, you’re our songwriter. And Seokmin is our lead singer. Now, if the two parts fall in love with each other, it is a mess. Because if you, one day, write some songs Seokmin doesn’t like, and doesn’t want to sing, for personal reasons, and you two fight, for me it would be difficult to mediate. Seokmin is our pearl. Of course Seungkwan and Soonyoung are, too, but Seokmin decides. He’s the frontman.
- But who told you I want to be with Seokmin? Who told you my wishes? Why are you taking for granted what I want?
Jihoon was speechless. And Joshua was satisfied.
- Joshua, I didn’t mean to take your wishes for granted. I just supposed. And then… Well, if you won’t fall in love, you will fight. Because you won’t be with him and he will.
- Why do you have to be so mathematical? Every time, you have to calculate anything. Life is not like that. We’re humans, not numbers.
- Joshua, you’re not going to let the others see that song. Period.
Joshua widened his eyes, jumping off his seat. - What?! But… But that’s the best song I’ve ever written!
- I don’t care. Do you want to ruin your career?
- You… I’m not going to ruin my career! It’s just a song! A fucking song, I…
- Don't raise your voice to your superior.
- I do whatever the fuck I want! You can’t do this to me!
- Oh, yeah? - Jihoon said, looking at Joshua. He was a few centimeters shorter than him, so he had to look at him from the bottom up. - You’re fired.
Joshua’s heart broke in a million little pieces. He felt betrayed. By a friend. Yes, he was his superior, but Jihoon was, first of all, a friend. - What… Fired?
- Yes. Fired. You’re out. And this? - he took the sheet from the table and smashed it against Joshua’s chest. - You can do this whatever you want. It’s not my problem anymore.
Joshua smashed the door of the apartment he shared with his brother.
- What’s this fucking racket?
He didn’t say anything. He just entered the kitchen with the shopping bags and left them on the table, puffing. Jeonghan left his room, looking at him. - What the fuck? Not even a “Hello”, or a “I’m fucking back, you fucking asshole”?
- Hey, watch your fucking mouth.
- Me? You’re swearing like a butcher, and I have to watch my mouth?
- Swearing is my only personality trait. Why are you so mad, by the way?
Jeonghan raised his eyebrows. - You’re what?
- Why the fuck are you fired? You were doing so well!
- Because I wrote a love song and Jihoon didn’t agree with that.
- Okay. - Joshua took a deep breath. - That song was about me and Seokmin. And he didn’t take that well.
- What? What kind of problem does he have? Let me read that.
- Because you’ll tell me the exact same things.
- I’m not an asshole, Shua. And I can’t fire you.
- That’s for sure. Can we have dinner first? I’m dying from hunger.
They didn’t really talk during dinner. Or, Jeonghan talked, while Joshua didn’t.
- So Seungcheol told me Minghao and Junhui kissed last week. They kissed! - he stopped to eat a bite of scrambled eggs. - Those two… They’re so different. Yet so good together.
- You don’t care, am I right?
- Are you even listening to me?
Jeonghan pressed his lips together, rolling his eyes. - I’m homophobe.
- I’m a fucking serial killer and I’m ready to smash your fucking face against the wall.
Jeonghan smashed the plate against the wall. Just then, Joshua raised his head, looking at him astonished. - What. The fuck.
- Are you out of your mind?
- Joshua, I don’t know what to do anymore! Are you depressed or something?
- Why are you so… Apathetic? - Jeonghan seemed to be on the verge of crying. - You’ve always been. Always! Since we were little kids! Since dad… - he squeezed his punches together. - I just want you to react. To rage. To fucking be angry! Why are you so passionless?
Joshua didn’t know what to say. It hurt to see Jeonghan like that, but it didn’t hurt enough. It was his brother! It should've hurt so much more. Why was he like that? Even with Seokmin. The man he was supposed to love. Seokmin told him he was beautiful, once. And the only thing he did was shrugging and saying “Thanks”. Nothing more. So he did something. He stood up, went to Jeonghan and hugged him. Tight. So tight he could feel his brother’s heartbeat.
He hadn’t hugged Jeonghan for years. His twin brother startled at first, then burst to tears, hugging him back. - I love you, Jeonghan-ah. Sorry if I don’t say that often.
Joshua loosened the embrace, wiping Jeonghan’s tears. Then, he searched for his song in his bag, and when he found it, he handed it to his brother.
- It’s stupid. I know. And it ruined my career, so…
- Shh. - Jeonghan said, reading. And when he finished, he slammed the sheet on the table. Joshua raised an eyebrow. - I know it’s not so good, but-
- I’m gonna kill Jihoon with my bare hands. This is fucking beautiful!
- Yeah! It is! Why would this ruin your career?
- Because it’s dedicated to Seokmin.
- Are you deaf? Let him read that.
Joshua shook his head. - I can’t.
- Why? It’s beautiful. It’s well written. It’s heartfelt.
- Jeonghan-ah, I just can’t. What if he rejects me? Or, worse, what if he’s in love with me, too?
- That’s fucking beautiful, then! Tell me what you fear.
- I’m afraid of commitment. Of love, and everything. You know, how do you do when you’re with Cheol?
- I’m just myself. And I love him. Like you love Seokmin.
- But, I don’t know how to be myself. I’m a shit when I’m myself. I can’t show my feelings. I can’t express them. What if I hurt him?
Jeonghan smiled, taking Joshua’s hand. - You’ve got a big heart, Shua. You just can’t see it.
- I don’t know anything about love. What can I do about it?
- Nothing. I do not know anything about love either. But, you know what? I don’t care. I just go with the flow. I just let things happen. And everything shines like the sun.
There's too many bad memories
The saddest thing I've ever seen
How much I really liked you
Because I never even told you
Are you still there or have you moved away?
On the ledge of the building where Lee Seokmin lived, the two boys were sitting cross-legged. Seokmin stopped to read the sheet that Joshua gave him, concentrated and almost in a state of trance. Then he turned to look at Joshua, who was smoking a cigarette. Joshua had a problem with cigarettes. He smoked a lot. He smoked the entire pack in a day, and Seokmin disapproved of that habit, but didn’t say anything.
- This is… This is beautiful.
Seokmin showed a shocked face: - What… How? Why?
- But that’s the most beautiful song you’ve ever written!
- It’s about us, Seok. - Joshua said.
Seokmin looked so happy at that moment that Joshua was scared. Scared he could deceive him. The talk he had with Jeonghan could have made him change his mind about his absolute dissent regarding love, but he wasn’t really sure yet. What if he hurt him? He immediately regretted having made him read the song.
- I do, yes. I do like you, Seokmin.
Now, Seokmin looked even happier. A big smile was painted on his lips, and his cheeks were red as cherries. But Joshua wasn’t smiling. He let out a deep breath, his eyes dropped. Seokmin noticed that. - Oh… I’m so sorry you’ve been fired for this.
- No, Seok, I’m not sad about that. I mean, it’s not difficult to find a job as a songwriter these days. Of course I’ll miss you, Kwan and Soonyoung, but… Just because I like you, it doesn’t mean we… - he couldn’t finish the sentence. And Seokmin’s smile dropped immediately.
Seokmin’s eyes were full of tears he was trying to hold back.
“I knew it. I hurt him. I broke his heart. Stupid, stupid Joshua who has to sabotage himself every time.”
- It’s okay, Hyung. - Seokmin smiled, as always. - Can I hug you?
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