Have you ever been so content
So at peace
So steadfast in your happiness that you fear it’s a ruse
Will I soon realize that this oasis of relief is a mirage or has the burning heat of the desert finally dried up the pool of turmoil within me
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@yesterwillow
Have you ever been so content
So at peace
So steadfast in your happiness that you fear it’s a ruse
Will I soon realize that this oasis of relief is a mirage or has the burning heat of the desert finally dried up the pool of turmoil within me
I’ve never done drugs
Never even smoked a cigarette
Alcohol doesn’t catch my attention
But I’m an addict
Searching and yearning at every turn for my next fix
Clawing through the darkness for my next high
I seek out the rush of light that fills the chasm of my soul
Happiness
For some it’s as commonplace as breath
For me it’s a drug with a price that I can hardly ever afford
But when I can, oh when I can, I force it into my veins and let it rush over me
And just as I reach the peak I’m already looking for another one
In the quiet
Everyone is fast asleep
Lying still in the darkness
Deep within my own mind
There isn’t a scarier place
The papery beige rustling is the only sound in the January wind
Cotton candy skies fade from blue to gold to pink to deep purple as the bitter chill of the evening sets in
Small ripples dance to the edges of the tiny pool on the edge of the cypress knee swampiness
Scarcely large enough to breech the shadows beneath the cold gray leafless tree that protects it
The pool evokes a trimbling in my bones that could only be realized by freefalling palms to the sky into its depth
Letting the cold envelope me as I descended into the darkness
The noise of the world quieted
Stifled
Drowned
Being swallowed by the fullness of the cold
The bitter but self realizing sting of physical pain to overpower the gnawing in my soul
I could stay there in the darkness away from all the voices
Theirs and my own
Wide eyed
Free
I’m either on the verge of something life changing or I’m tettering over the edge of the deepest of caverns
My next move can either catapult me forward into greatness or send me hurtling down into the depths of nothingness
I guess I’ll never know until I place my foot out over the blackness and shift my weight into the future
We all have poison in our blood
It can either kill us or make us stronger
It’s the ones who use it to build who they are that end up living longer.
It’ll teach you to be wary
To hide behind a smile
Never trust
Never open
The truth will come out in a while
Because behind every mask is poisoned soul
You can’t be stabbed with stories you’ve never told
What’s on the other side of it all?
We spend our lives at war in our own minds while just outside these confines serenity is found in the blaring horns and the rush of passing strangers
We beg for a glimpse of what the outside is like
To be the ones who’s inner workings have never known anything but diplomacy
What is it like to simply exist?
What is it like to compose in the quiet?
Simply breathing in and out without having our embarrassments and loathing and sadness and fear and worry and hatred and numbness and pain choking out the very breath we long for
How can it be that a person can simply open their eyes to a new day and move forward in their own continuum
Undisturbed
Without shackle or vice
What must it be like to decide and to love and to dream and to work and to live in a being that isn’t writhe with brambles
To swell with pride without thorn and spine tearing away at the flesh the longs to break out
To never hear any voice but your own as a single note played out over a dimly lit theatre
A solitary chord cast into the darkness
For the rest of us there is no solitude
Just a magnitude of out of tune brass and woodwinds and strings and percussion all vying to center stage
To first chair
To loudest
To best
To most
All led by a broken and tired conductor who’s only longing is to lay down the baton
My heart hurts
My stomach tightens and aches
I remember what was but can’t linger too long
When I tear down the walls I’ve built around our memories my tears drown all the happiness I have for today
I only wish that the version of myself that was present for the closeness we had knew how lucky she was
Tu me manques
I wish you saw me for who I am
I pour out a deluge and to you it’s a drop in the bucket
You’re not enough
You’ve checked out
You could be more
You tell me he was right about me
Your words tighten around my lungs and choke out my last ounce of self confidence
I wonder why you even stay when your words boil down to “You aren’t what I want”
All the while, things you say to me are kind compared to the things I say to myself
Chest piled with bricks
Mind full of thorny brambles
I drag my body into the sunlight
To smile at the happy people
For a brief moment, I felt like I was back where we started
I pictured a doorway I’d walked through thousands of times
Only to remember we were in a new place
A better place
But I long for the emotion of the old
The comfortable familiar of the past
I exhaust myself dousing the flames of this burning house
You simply exist in it
Stagnant
Aloof
Unbothered
Indifferent
Is it that the house isn’t of worth to you anymore
Or are you hoping the fire will consume me first
I’m desperate to have you between my thighs.
Until then I’ll devour you with my eyes.
Atlas
The heaviness and sheer weight of it all rests squarely on my shoulders
Little do they know, I’m straining beneath the weight
The Atlas in my own story
I’m happy
I’m contented
I have all I’ve ever wanted
If only the celestial sphere I bear were something I could surrender
Brother cousin
No matter how contented my soul may be, my mind always wanders to a time when the days passed like seasons.
The carefree aura of laissez-faire afternoons and nights filled with laughter cast my worries farther away than I’d ever known.
My life is now full of comfort, warmth and love. Both hearth and home are warmed with my contented happiness, but in the stillness my only wish is that the times we’ve had could carry through to the present.
When the humid night sets in, the lonely blankets me as if it's preparing to lull me to sleep
I stare out just past the glow of the back porch light into the blackness
Insects buzz aimlessly in and out of the aura like the tormenting thoughts that plague my mind
Looming in and out of my headspace, just long enough to send me plunging into my own darkness
Until sunrise, when the newness of day reminds me that I'm not alone
Thanks to @wildheartedghost for the tag. I tag @stevenluce to write about the current weather!
The warmth of this place fills me with an unimaginable joy
I'm wrapped up in my own microcosm of fulfillment and love
The outside had been painful but in here we have all we've ever wanted
Each time we go out we come back with another portion of what will be our magnum opus
Within these walls we'll create our Eden
The dawning of the new without the fall
Not just making it but making a life
Not just a house but a home