yesterwillow

26 years old. Wife. Mama. Dental Hygienist. Faking it till I make it. 💍👮🏽👧🏼👶🏼👩🏼‍⚕️👍🏻 #mostlypoetry

[yesterwillow]

Have you ever been so content

So at peace

So steadfast in your happiness that you fear it’s a ruse

Will I soon realize that this oasis of relief is a mirage or has the burning heat of the desert finally dried up the pool of turmoil within me

[yesterwillow]

I’ve never done drugs

Never even smoked a cigarette

Alcohol doesn’t catch my attention

But I’m an addict

Searching and yearning at every turn for my next fix

Clawing through the darkness for my next high

I seek out the rush of light that fills the chasm of my soul

Happiness

For some it’s as commonplace as breath

For me it’s a drug with a price that I can hardly ever afford

But when I can, oh when I can, I force it into my veins and let it rush over me

And just as I reach the peak I’m already looking for another one

[yesterwillow]

In the quiet

Everyone is fast asleep

Lying still in the darkness

Deep within my own mind

There isn’t a scarier place

[yesterwillow]

The papery beige rustling is the only sound in the January wind

Cotton candy skies fade from blue to gold to pink to deep purple as the bitter chill of the evening sets in

Small ripples dance to the edges of the tiny pool on the edge of the cypress knee swampiness

Scarcely large enough to breech the shadows beneath the cold gray leafless tree that protects it

The pool evokes a trimbling in my bones that could only be realized by freefalling palms to the sky into its depth

Letting the cold envelope me as I descended into the darkness

The noise of the world quieted

Stifled

Drowned

Being swallowed by the fullness of the cold

The bitter but self realizing sting of physical pain to overpower the gnawing in my soul

I could stay there in the darkness away from all the voices

Theirs and my own

Wide eyed

Free

[yesterwillow]

I’m either on the verge of something life changing or I’m tettering over the edge of the deepest of caverns

My next move can either catapult me forward into greatness or send me hurtling down into the depths of nothingness

I guess I’ll never know until I place my foot out over the blackness and shift my weight into the future

[yesterwillow]

We all have poison in our blood

It can either kill us or make us stronger

It’s the ones who use it to build who they are that end up living longer.

It’ll teach you to be wary

To hide behind a smile

Never trust

Never open

The truth will come out in a while

Because behind every mask is poisoned soul

You can’t be stabbed with stories you’ve never told

[yesterwillow]

What’s on the other side of it all?

We spend our lives at war in our own minds while just outside these confines serenity is found in the blaring horns and the rush of passing strangers

We beg for a glimpse of what the outside is like

To be the ones who’s inner workings have never known anything but diplomacy

What is it like to simply exist?

What is it like to compose in the quiet?

Simply breathing in and out without having our embarrassments and loathing and sadness and fear and worry and hatred and numbness and pain choking out the very breath we long for

How can it be that a person can simply open their eyes to a new day and move forward in their own continuum

Undisturbed

Without shackle or vice

What must it be like to decide and to love and to dream and to work and to live in a being that isn’t writhe with brambles

To swell with pride without thorn and spine tearing away at the flesh the longs to break out

To never hear any voice but your own as a single note played out over a dimly lit theatre

A solitary chord cast into the darkness

For the rest of us there is no solitude

Just a magnitude of out of tune brass and woodwinds and strings and percussion all vying to center stage

To first chair

To loudest

To best

To most

All led by a broken and tired conductor who’s only longing is to lay down the baton

[yesterwillow]

My heart hurts

My stomach tightens and aches

I remember what was but can’t linger too long

When I tear down the walls I’ve built around our memories my tears drown all the happiness I have for today

I only wish that the version of myself that was present for the closeness we had knew how lucky she was

Tu me manques

[yesterwillow]

I wish you saw me for who I am

I pour out a deluge and to you it’s a drop in the bucket

You’re not enough

You’ve checked out

You could be more

You tell me he was right about me

Your words tighten around my lungs and choke out my last ounce of self confidence

I wonder why you even stay when your words boil down to “You aren’t what I want”

All the while, things you say to me are kind compared to the things I say to myself

[yesterwillow]

Chest piled with bricks

Mind full of thorny brambles

I drag my body into the sunlight

To smile at the happy people

[yesterwillow]

For a brief moment, I felt like I was back where we started

I pictured a doorway I’d walked through thousands of times

Only to remember we were in a new place

A better place

But I long for the emotion of the old

The comfortable familiar of the past

[yesterwillow]

I exhaust myself dousing the flames of this burning house

You simply exist in it

Stagnant

Aloof

Unbothered

Indifferent

Is it that the house isn’t of worth to you anymore

Or are you hoping the fire will consume me first

[yesterwillow]

I’m desperate to have you between my thighs.

Until then I’ll devour you with my eyes.

[yesterwillow]

Atlas

The heaviness and sheer weight of it all rests squarely on my shoulders

Little do they know, I’m straining beneath the weight

The Atlas in my own story

I’m happy

I’m contented

I have all I’ve ever wanted

If only the celestial sphere I bear were something I could surrender

[yesterwillow]

Brother cousin

No matter how contented my soul may be, my mind always wanders to a time when the days passed like seasons.

The carefree aura of laissez-faire afternoons and nights filled with laughter cast my worries farther away than I’d ever known.

My life is now full of comfort, warmth and love. Both hearth and home are warmed with my contented happiness, but in the stillness my only wish is that the times we’ve had could carry through to the present.

[yesterwillow]

When the humid night sets in, the lonely blankets me as if it's preparing to lull me to sleep

I stare out just past the glow of the back porch light into the blackness

Insects buzz aimlessly in and out of the aura like the tormenting thoughts that plague my mind

Looming in and out of my headspace, just long enough to send me plunging into my own darkness

Until sunrise, when the newness of day reminds me that I'm not alone

Thanks to @wildheartedghost for the tag. I tag @stevenluce to write about the current weather!

[yesterwillow]

The warmth of this place fills me with an unimaginable joy

I'm wrapped up in my own microcosm of fulfillment and love

The outside had been painful but in here we have all we've ever wanted

Each time we go out we come back with another portion of what will be our magnum opus

Within these walls we'll create our Eden

The dawning of the new without the fall

Not just making it but making a life

Not just a house but a home