Exodus
Another night finds blankets strewn across the floor and pillows tossed aside due to the violent thrashing of the man laying on the bed. For weeks the nightmares had seemed to ramp up in intensity, the hacker waking in a panic with sweat leading pajamas to cling to clammy skin. Still no true treatment being provided along with the stress of constant travel had ramped up his already unsettling issues. On some days it felt like nothing was real, that his grip on reality was fading away moment to moment when truly it wasn’t. The medicine for his anxiety stopped working a while ago too which isn’t a surprise to him; he was self medicating.
Tonight proved to be the second night in a row of night terrors, waking with bellows and shouts of fear as he relives the past or twisted versions of it over and over. Once he’s finally fully woken he simply sits on his messy bed a defeated version of his already worn normal self, shoulders dropped. If one thing was clear to Yongsun it would be that his issues aren’t improving. It just further feeds the untreated depression that bite into his body like some invisible disease.
Finding out such horrible things as his missing father being basically evil working for the underbelly of Persephone, how he’d woken up to the abuse suffered, how his ex had been murdered...as well as the details that went into it. So much had changed in an instant that it’d don’t the mental equivalent of twisting his head backwards, a mother figure becoming some mix and his very beliefs turning out to be wrong. That and getting so close to a woman again had left him ill emotionally, the trauma far too strong.
One thing remained consistent throughout this entire thing though.
Kinam.
At this point if it wasn’t for the strong armed pilot he may not be on the damn ship anymore. As it is there are questions that keep surfacing regarding it as well, whether this is going to allow healing for his mental health or worsen it. So far it’s gotten worse, especially after Audrey had stopped talking to him since that awkward embrace. Realizing he’d been fighting alongside those that killed his brother Sure as hell didn’t help either, though he could’ve eventually found that out even on a shit tier computer. Kafka held a close place as well, the thief who knew him and his brother as just teens trying to play Robin Hood. The monkey-like boy that Yongnam would find banana flavored treats to give as an inside joke.
Jaewon has had his moments as well in helping, that one statement he’s unsure of the author (heavily suspecting the captain) having given him immense strength in heart.
Ephy...goddamnit Ephriam. He just had to leave before things could get settled. One thing remains certain in the hacker’s mind; he will hunt that boy down if it’s the last thing he does, even if it takes years.
Harper. The thoughts of her remain marred now with the descriptive pictures of just how she’d killed his abusive ex. On some level he’s grateful, yet on another it’d sent his mind into a very dark place, the harsh words making his already cracked self esteem shatter further...while also giving him more strength at the very same time. Really though when he hears her name he’s reminded of that warm welcoming smile and the way her fingers card through his tossled hair, a motherly affection to a lost boy without such a thing. The thoughts of it bring a smile to his weary features, premature wrinkles around his eyes deepening in a partial eyesmile.
Octavia...she exudes such wisdom. It’s as if she can tell he’s like a scared rabbit around women and doesn’t judge him for it. The way she’d sit quietly while letting the tightness in his chest unfurl, never making him doubt his own strength nor mock his sensitive nature.
Certainly there’s plenty of people he’d never want to lose contact with...
—————
With each note or face to face done and pack sling over his back Yongsun has one final stop to make, then stay at. Only those who he’d felt it crucial to had he left a message or spoken with, seeing no need to drag this out. He’d barely left his room to socialize.
Only the door to the cockpit shows before him now, Heart thudding rapidly despite the resolute expression spread across his face. There’s nothing more for him to do other than go in so he does, shutting it behind him quietly then stepping over toward the pilot, a genuine little anxious smile tugging at his lips. “Hey.” The pack set aside he steps closer, wrapping both arms around Kinam’s waist from behind in what could possibly be the most affectionate he’s ever acted. He wants to deny it but the feelings, the emotions are there even if he refuses to say them...yet.
Still he rests his chin on the bigger man’s shoulder then speaks lowly, a near whisper that rumbles in his throat. “Kinam. I’m leaving...” Deep breath. “...but not without you. I will stay however long you do, and when you go please, please allow me to go with you. I want to be...near you. That’s all I want and it could be anywhere, I’ll follow you til the end of the verse and perhaps beyond it.” Maybe it’s corny but he’s not going to silence himself, not this time when everything is closing down around him. Kinam deserves all the truth Yongsun can give without making himself panic too much. “If you don’t want me to just straight up tell me no, and I’ll back off. Just...know that I do feel strongly toward you. It might not last for the rest of our lives yet it also might, the verse is erratic and I’m not going to hide this, ok? There’s your truth.”
“Kinam, I need you.”
