-Call me Jasper-

German | 22 | Trans guy

[you-can-call-me-he]

Today I’m officially 3 years on T. 3 years filled with up and downs. There were moments when I cried at the top of my lungs and moments when I danced around my house singing Disney songs giving all I had. It wasn’t always easy and I know that it will never be but life goes on and everything will get better in the end. People left me on my journey, some threw rocks in my way and some hold me tight and whispered in my ear that everything will be fine. In the end all that matters is that I’m still alive and that I’ve become the person who I always wanted to be. A content one. I hope with that transition pic I can give some of you hope. T is not an all-round solution but it makes life so much easier and enjoyable. Before T I had the wish to die, now I have the wish to stay alive. 

It will be okay.

[you-can-call-me-he]

Little Mistakes I still make

I'm currently learning Chinese in university. We are in the lecture room, working in pairs to ask each other simple questions about our family.

F: In Chinese: Does your Mother has a daughter?

Me: In Chinese: yes

F: In Chinese: Does your mother has a son?

Me: In Chinese: No

F: ... what? *starts to laugh*

Me: *notice my mistake after what felt like 5 mins* oh I was so concentrated on reading the characters correctly and on the fact that I have one sister that I forgot myself. Haha. ...

F: ...

[you-can-call-me-he]

The "it" thing

Me 2 months on t applying for an internship with my male name and going there to work on probation.

Boss: We kinda expected a man to arrive. *laughs embarassed*

Me: Yeah I'm trans*, so I'm one. *slightly annoyed already*

Boss: Oh ok but I don't have to call you it, do I? *laughs out loud*

Me: ... [man, how glad I am that I know after two minutes that I'm definetely not gonna work there]

[you-can-call-me-he]

There is one thing I've always sworn to myself. I will never make myself small and hide. Don't do it either. Show yourself!

[you-can-call-me-he]

Internship at a middle school

Sitting with 10 girls (~ 11 years old) in a circle, waiting for the teacher to arrive. I'm currently 3 months on T, misgendering is everyday life.

S: Who are you?

Me: I'm Jasper, I'm doing an internship here.

S: Are you a boy or a girl?

Me: A boy, why do you ask?

S: You look like a girl but you have short hair and your voice isn't that high.

Me: Why do I look like a girl?

S: ... *laughs lightly* Actually I don't really know ... you do look like a boy.

One of the few cute situations I remember from the time back then. It was so pure cuz she just couldn't put her sight into words and I could clearly see that she didn't expect my question and how it completely confused her.

[you-can-call-me-he]

After puberty hit me, I’ve transformed from the always laughing child to a really depressive one. I still laughed but it was just an act, just a mask I wore. Now I can be happy again without a mask. I’m bubbly again, I’m me again. 

For a few years I’ve lost myself and that was when my body changed without my consent. 

[you-can-call-me-he]

Balls Of Silicone

Media: Real men have balls of steel

Me: *looking down at my crotch* does silicone count too?

[you-can-call-me-he]

I still have problems with hugs. Before puberty I was a really touchy person. I held hands with my friends, used their legs as my leg rest and cuddled all the time. But when puberty hit and body dysphoria kicked in I changed this behaviour. Still to this day, even after top surgery I’m ambivalent. On one hand I would love to hug my friends more often but on the other hand I’m still scared they will push me away. I know it’s dumb cuz I myself am not disgusted by my body anymore on the contrary I’m proud of it with all those scars. Still that’s how I feel. It is such a shame cause I could need more hugs in my life.

[you-can-call-me-he]

Tip for writing a statement regarding your trans*sexuality

When you need to write a statement regarding your trans*sexuality for example for your health insurance when they demand one (for surgeries etc.), never write things like “I believe”, “I guess”, “I think”. 

Don’t give them room for interpretation!

I don’t think I will change my decision in the future.

I will not change my decision in the future.

Later (if you should need to) you can always argue that your decision changed, that’s human, but don’t say it in advance.

[you-can-call-me-he]

And I know it’s bs but still I can’t seem to get rid of it. 

[you-can-call-me-he]

Hardships of a trans*man

Sitting together with two female fellow students, who don't know I'm trans. I'm coming back from the bathroom...

A: We just talked about women stuff, I guess you don't wanna talk about it? *laughing*

N: Or how do you feel on your period? *laughing*

Me: *laughing like a nervous fuck, pretending Idk a thing* Idk, I guess it hurts badly ah...

A & N: ...

[Never felt so ashamed in my life -.-']

[you-can-call-me-he]

It’s ridiculous it still happens though I’m almost taking t for 3 years now but everytime someone has to gender me in a conversation I feel myself tense up and wait for another letdown. It doesn’t even matter if the person knows I’m trans* or not... 

[you-can-call-me-he]

A convo with my dad I'll never forget...

My Dad: Why are you walking this hill down so slowly, do you have no balls?

Me: Not yet...

My Dad: *laughs* Good one!

[you-can-call-me-he]

Today you get a simple reminder, that even if you are a part of the lgbtqia+ you are not less worth than any cis heterosexual person. Stay strong!

[you-can-call-me-he]

Recently I told my best friend that I started to like beer more and more after I drank almost every evening one bottle for a week (no I’m not turning into an alcoholic, it was just my birthday lul). It wasn’t like I was questioning why I liked it more and more it was just a statement I made and she was like: “maybe it’s because of t, I mean men tend to like beer and women tend to like wine more.”, and honestly I didn’t even know where to start... and it is like that all the time and it kinda starts to piss me off. Yes hormones play an important role in a humans body but not everything is because of it, other factors have an impact too. 

I wonder if people will ever start to see the human and not the gender...

[you-can-call-me-he]

I know I’ve already told this story a couple of times but just recently I came to terms with it (and maybe there are people who haven’t read it yet and take energy out of it). When I came out, my mom told me she accepts it but doesn’t really believe it and it kinda broke my heart at that time. I kinda hoped and expected her to tell me “Ah finally you’re coming out, I’ve known it for a long time.”, but it wasn’t like that, it wasn’t like how a coming out gets often portrayed in movies. After four years I finally understand why she didn’t say those words to me. The main reason for it is that she just didn’t fully know me.The “manly things” I did, like playing with cars, shooting with an airgun and talking about mma I always did with my dad and cuz my moms and mine relationship wasn’t/isn’t that close I didn’t tell her those things. So when I came out she was shocked because she was unknown of my “manly” traits and she didn’t think that with my only female traits I was manly enough to be a boy. I still would say that it wasn’t helpful for me to hear those words from my mom but I can understand them better know. And maybe I would have reacted the same way if I were her age and had her knowledge of lgbtqia+ stuff.

Short disclaimer: manly and girly things/hobbies are complete bullshit. Boys and girls can play with the same toys and still be their gender and have whatever sexuality. But for the older generation who still strongly believes in this subdivision it’s really helpful to understand their childs trans*sexuality if their child plays with toys, which are supposed to be for the opposite gender (Doesn’t mean that their thinking is wrong).

[you-can-call-me-he]

I think it’s good to ask yourself once in a while again, if the transition is still what you want or if you’re happy with it so far, cuz sometimes you forget to reconsider your choice cuz maybe you think it’s irreversible now or the people around you wouldn’t understand if you “turn” back. So it’s ok to ask questions but don’t live in the past or future and don’t torture yourself with questions like “Would I..?”just ask yourself how you feel rn and if you feel good. If the answer is yes you should stop worrying, your choice wasn’t wrong. If you’re happy, you did the right thing and if not then don’t forget that you have a choice!