“My question isn’t ‘what’s wrong with you?’, and it will never be. Because it’s not what’s wrong with you, it’s who did something to you to build up those feelings. Who was it? Really think back. To your first heartbreak. Your VERY FIRST genuine heartbreak. Not even in a romantic sense. Just the first time you felt your heart fucking shatter.
My first heartbreak is when my best friend died. We were 15, and he took his own life, in the house next door to mine. We were neighbors, best friends. He was my soulmate, but not in a romantic way. I loved him as if him and I were born into the same family. After that, I couldn’t come to trust people. It physically pains me to try. Because in the back of my mind, everyday, I remember that feeling. The hurt, the anger, the soul retching sadness. The loneliness. The guilt of something I couldn’t control. I see his face everyday, I get reminded of him everyday. And when it comes down to trusting the people around me, I can’t. Because I know someday, they’re gonna leave. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in 90 years. But they will leave. And personally, I can’t take another heartbreak. I’ve only had one genuine one in my life, but it was enough to last me til I die.
You see, we have all had a heartbreak. At some point in our lives, someone left us, or hurt us, and we couldn’t recover. We think we did, and we pretend we’re fine, but there’s that uncomfortable feeling deep deep within your mind that you catch yourself feeling and so you shove it away. Lock it up. But the issue is, everything builds up. Small stuff, big stuff. It all adds up and eventually there will come a time when you won’t be able to handle it anymore.
So think to yourself, “when was my first heartbreak?”. Allow yourself to know why you feel the way you do. Everything stems from something, you don’t just feel a certain way for no reason. It took me a long time to realize that. And who knows, maybe figuring it out will help ease your mind a little.”
