Just Chill Out

we're gonna be okay here, I think.

[youre-unaware]

12/30/2024

Hey. Long time no talk. 

I’ve been MIA for the last few years, huh? Needless to say, I wasn’t doing well. I wouldn’t exactly say I’m doing well now, but I’ve always found comfort in my ED so it never feels like I’m unwell. Tumblr has changed a lot since I left. Seems like they really cracked down on ED blogs, which is a bit unfortunate considering I know there’s tons of people that find comfort and solace in the community here. 

Anyway. To make a long story short, since my last post here, I think my food addiction got worse. I was bingeing every day, constantly thinking about food, and gaining so much weight. I got up to 185 at one point. But I didn’t care. I’m not sure what changed, but last month I felt the claws of my ED scratching at my skin again, and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I was back to my old ways. It felt like it happened overnight. The weight started falling off, and fast. I stopped eating as much and food has become genuinely repulsive to me. I think there’s multiple causes but I’ll list the suspects here for anyone out there that may also be struggling. 

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, I THINK THIS IS THE ROOT OF ALL MY SUCCESS. I reverse psychologied myself, basically. I pretended to be someone else, which is probably definitely NOT healthy but neither is an eating disorder so who gaf. I created a persona that was this unbothered girl that thought eating was a chore and super picky about food. I let it become my reality. And now I really do hold those values. 

Picked up smoking again (don’t recommend that)

Taking my ADHD meds kinda off label (switched to long-acting, take more than I should within reason)

GET A FUCKING HOBBY!!!! I got really into digital art this year and found myself hyperfixated on that instead of constantly thinking about food.

Never talk about it, never tell anyone, keep it all a secret. EDs are probably the most secretive disorder as it is, but I have a big mouth and no filter so talking about weight/food/cals is something I find myself doing unconsciously. So I made the effort to stop. And I don’t talk about it to anyone.

I think that’s it, but I really can’t emphasize that first one. I really Chris Angel mind-freaked myself into being someone else. I wish I was kidding. Anyway, since Thanksgiving I’ve lost a bit of weight, and I’m down to about 160. I’m struggling to get out of the 160’s but it’s only a matter of time. I don’t know how much I’ll commit to posting here, but if you’re still here and you’re still reading this, good to see you, hope you’re doing well. I won’t tag my posts anymore because I don’t really like to in the first place and the new ED tags are kinda wild. I don’t have the patience to type all that lol. Love you all. See you again soon.

[youre-unaware]

Hi! What happened, how are you doing?

Heyyyy. I'll try to keep it short! Basically in summer 2019 I ended a 6 year relationship and the stress overwhelmed me, leading me to develop a really troubling food addiction. I gained so much weight, all the way back up to 185 (at least that was the highest I saw on the scale, I'm sure I got higher than that). Anyway I stayed between 175-185 for about 5 years, until last month when I decided enough was enough. I ended up relapsing really hard into my ED, and I'm down to 160 now. I'll probably make an update post that's a bit more detailed but that's what you missed on Glee!

[youre-unaware]

*taps mic*

Is this thing on?

(I relapsed again)

[youre-unaware]

4.2.2022

April 2, 2022

I waited to post this until today so no one would think it was an April fool’s prank.

No but really, long time no see. I actually FULLY abandoned this blog and made a new one because I was (and still am) so embarrassed about my weight. I don’t know if anyone even still reads this blog or if all my followers also kind of abandoned Tumblr for a while? Either way, here I am. I feel a bit shy for some reason. This post is going to be long, maybe even extra long, so buckle up.

I have literally maintained my same weight since my last post here. So that means I’ve been a pretty consistent weight for over a year. Unbelievable. I’m sitting at 177-ish right now. For the past year I lost all motivation to lose weight. I don’t know what happened, maybe depression? I don’t know. But I recently had a bit of a ~psychotic~ episode and now I find comfort in my ED more than ever. Oh, also I was diagnosed with ADHD and now I take 25mg of Ritalin a day. You’d think I’d lose weight taking that right? Nope, my OCD prevents me from taking it regularly because I have an irrational fear of running out of medicine. Anyway I’m forcing myself to take my meds regularly now so that I can restrict more easily. I’ve been doing “okay” lately with restricting. I have a new job now and with the long commute and the fact that I’m away from home I’ve been able to fast all day at work. So I’m usually fasting at least 20 hours a day, from about 10 pm to 6 pm at least. The past couple days though I’ve grabbed breakfast on the way to work but that stops now. I will no longer be doing that. I was reading some of my old posts from my long fasts and I feel rejuvenated and motivated to do it again. I will say with the intensity of my new job, fasting is harder than ever. I just have to make do though. If I start today, I can easily be past the hard part by Monday. My last fast was a 48 hour one from a few weeks ago and I think I lost like 5 or so pounds? I just want to go longer. I need to get down to like 174 or 173. I need to feel safe and feel like I’m far enough away from 180. I fucking hate that number.

No really, I hate 170 even more. OVER A YEAR I’ve been stuck at this god forsaken weight. It’s absolutely fucked. I have utterly failed myself.

The motivation I have recently found comes from a place of toxicity, though, as well. My ex best friend (we used to call her Melissa on this blog lmao) has posted several pics the past few months and I see that she’s gone down in weight AT LEAST SEEMINGLY. Now, I want to warn you before you proceed: I’m about to be MEAN and TOXIC so don’t read this paragraph if that kind of thing bothers you. At this point I hate Melissa, she’s a fucking bitch and I don’t understand why I tolerated her for so long. That isn’t to say that I never did anything shitty in our friendship but I definitely was not as horrible to her as she was to me. She 100% knows about my eating disorder and she 100% bragged in my face when she started losing weight after high school. In my cold black heart I wish that she would gain 100 pounds this year lol. That’s fucked up but fuck that bitch, seriously. I think after a long time of being insecure and NO ONE liking her she developed a superiority complex about anything she could think of. She bought a car *with her parents cosigning, of course* and proceeded to DANGLE her keys in this person’s face one time and said that they drove a piece of shit, unlike HER fancy sports car. I hope that her back axle snaps in half and totals her car. She tried to give me her fat jeans when I gained some weight. They were huge on me, so that tells me exactly how she views me in her mind. Well fuck that, because I’m going to lose so much weight by my birthday she won’t know what hit her. I’m going to have a house party and the pictures I post.. I hope she sees them and it fucks with her head. I might even do a touch of facetuning so I look even better.I bet she would freak out. I only have to lose 40 pounds in 3 months and that’s nothing. Fuck that stupid bitch I hate her.

Okay now that that’s out of my system I feel better, I do. My goal rn is to be 140 by my birthday, July 11. I have 14 weeks to lose roughly 40 pounds. That’s almost 3 lbs a week BUT if I get a headstart by fasting and getting to 170 by next Saturday I think it might be possible. Either way I just need to get as close as I can. I can’t be this weight anymore. I look disgusting. I just applied for a new job that’s closer to my house and honestly I’m horrified that I’ll look horrific during my interview. I’m going to lose as much weight as possible and idc how hard it is. I’m going to do it.

I have to be 170 by Saturday. I’m back bitches.

[youre-unaware]

Ugh this is such a bummer to look at. My 1 year of almost pure weight gain. How disgusting. I cant believe i allowed it to happen.

My one week progress gives me hope though. And yes I was 174.8 this morning which is a crazy jump from 177 yesterday. I went to bed with hunger pangs and I’m seeing the immediate results today. Worth it.

[youre-unaware]

September 20

I have reached 181. I want to die. why can’t I lose weight? Wtf is wrong with my body?

No more. I will not go over 500 calories a day until I lose weight. 

I feel so motivated and so back into the mindset of restricting. finally. I just had to breach 180. how pathetic.

So right now I have taken a whole bronkaid and two garcinia cambogia pills (I bought a bottle at walmart for 7$ while I was high af, sue me) and I feel fine. I had a 100 Calorie Oikos yogurt for breakfast. Now I have 400 calories for the rest of the day. I am being kind to myself by not counting the calories in my coffee, just my creamer. So I never measure (which is stupid, I will start measuring now) so I estimated a half cup just to be safe, though I highly doubt it was that much. Now I’m at 218 cal so I only have 282 calories left to use for today. I’ll probably have light pasta with tomatoes or something later.

I’m so tired of being this huge. Let me give you some FUN facts about my weight rn

I’m 181, so BMI 28.8, I’m 8 pounds away from being OBESE!!! I won’t be “normal” BMI until 156! that’s 25 pounds from now! Just to be “normal” aka what I was when I met my bf in June 2019 I won’t be BMI 20 (pretty comfortable for my body) until 126, which is 55 pounds from now. What the fuckkkkkkk. I used to be so close why the fuck did I have to gain so much weight. Fuck dude.

Okay I might be back later idk. ugh. gonna go stare in the mirror until I throw up.

[youre-unaware]

Rewards for Losing Weight!! Very cool. Oh and daily things.

Soooooo for some reason I feel like having some rewards for losing weight will inspire me to ... lose weight so anyway here we gooooo

✨ REWARDS ✨

-10 lbs (168lbs) - $50 of any skincare I like -20 lbs (158lbs) - Haircut/color -30 lbs (148lbs) - New Cookware! / $100@VS/PINK  -40 lbs (138lbs) - New clothes!!!! No cash limit! ✨ -50 LBS (128LBS) ✨ - Computer Upgrades/anything from my ~expensive~ Amazon wishlist

NOW, this is a list of things that I will be doing daily that I KNOW I will actually do and not slack on --

1. Wear my waist trainer (i am allowed to buy a new one if it gets too loose or falls apart for some reason) 2.Take care of myself, skincare, hair care, etc. What’s the point of being skinny if my self care is garbage? 3. Take Bronkaid daily (UNLESS my chest pain comes back 🤪) AND any other supplements I buy for weight loss (list at the bottom..) 4. Eat less meat+dairy, honestly just feeling like shit after eating it should be enough incentive.

㊗️Things that I want to do regularly but can’t trust myself to do daily!!!!㊗️

1. OMAD!!!!! 2. post on tumblr 3. Weigh myself

4. Work out 5. Cook at home!!!!

Anyway here’s the supplements I want to take but I just cant afford all of them at the moment: (IN ORDER OF HOW “EFFECTIVE” I BELIEVE THEY WILL BE) 1.)5-HTP... supposed to be good for mood health AND suppress appetite 2.)glucomannan... supposed to make you feel fuller if you remember to take it like 15-20 min before eating 3.) B-complex... Supposed to boost metabolism

4.) collagen pills - supposed to suppress appetite and promote fullness AND apparently make your teeth stronger???? 5.) fenugreek - supposed to help digestion 6.) caralluma fimbriata - SUPPOSEDLY reduces appetite. Kind of like garcinia cambogia I guess ANYWAYYYYYYYY that’s all I have for today. Byeeeee

[youre-unaware]

September 6 - Heyyyyyy

September 6, 2020

First and foremost, an explanation on why everything suddenly changed recently.

My bf broke his phone and like a nice girlfriend I let him borrow my old iPhone 7. Well in classic dumbass fashion that I normally exhibit, I didn’t log out of anything :) he found my instagram. I’m genuinely SHOCKED that he didn’t find my tumblr, but my intense fear and paranoia about it is why I changed my name and banner and avatar and literally ANYTHING that resembled my previous aesthetic. Which sucks, because I really liked that look I had and I liked my username. Sorry that everything went underwater and got protected so fast. I GENUINELY considered deleting my entire blog and starting fresh. But I just couldn’t bear the idea of losing like four years of what essentially amounts to long, personal diary entries documenting every stage of my eating disorder and depression.

So yeah I’m still the same old dumbass that can’t lose weight for shit. But you already knew that ;)

Anyway, obviously I have been very hesitant to post on here since all that happened. I have been monitoring my followers and things like that just to be safe. But to update on my ED, it’s almost non-existent now. Not that I was trying to recover or anything. But I started having a very serious and sometimes debilitating mental health issue that seemed to take precedence over my ED for the time being. To keep it short and prevent myself from crying because it really hurts me to think about - I have something called “derealization disorder” and some kind of PTSD. These both stem from intense childhood trauma that I would rather not discuss. Basically I dissociate a good 50% of my waking hours, and I’m beginning to have strange delusions that I am dead, that everyone around me is dead, or that in general nothing is real. It’s become a huge roadblock in my life at the moment and I would like to leave it at that. If anyone wants me to talk about the actual derealization and what I experience I will, I just don’t want to talk about my trauma if that makes sense. I’m still figuring it out myself so I’m not an expert by any means I just know what I feel.  So I hope you will all forgive me for my horrible inconsistency on this blog.

Now, onto business. Like I said my ED is pretty much on the back burner but I feel like if I get back into it (for lack of a better phrase) I can sort of feel normal again. Not to mention how disgusting I currently look. My weight really hasn’t changed at all. Still have yet to see 180 on the scale so that has been my only comfort. It just sucks feeling like my body wants to default at this weight. I am going to take laxatives to ‘reset’ my weight to empty. Though I know it won’t do much at all.

Another thing I wanted to mention is that I have NOT been taking bronkaid this past week or so. Around two-three weeks ago I started having unexplainable chest pain out of nowhere. I immediately started cutting back on caffeine and I stopped taking bronkaid entirely. Which naturally made me feel like shit and I felt hungry all the time but I would rather be alive right now so that I can lose weight. So cutting those things had to happen. My plan for now is to hold off on Bronkaid as long as I can and start eating better so that my cholesterol lowers and hopefully my chest pain subsides.

Anyway that’s all I have for now. Hope there’s not another three month gap between posts.

[youre-unaware]

Why are you even doing this anymore, like it’s been years and all your fasting hasn’t really gotten you where you wanted, and it must be so tiring. Like has it been worth it? Why not recover and find some happiness

[youre-unaware]

july 26

July 26

When am I actually going to lose weight? For real… I’m so discouraged rn it’s not even funny. I weighed myself a minute ago and I’m 177.2. Why can’t I lose weight? What is wrong with me? I only need to lose 27 pounds to feel somewhat comfortable again and I guarantee I could do that in under two months if I would just TRY. It’s strange because I FEEL like I’m giving it my best but clearly I’m not. According to my Apple watch I burn 2300-2500 calories a day. How the fuck am I maintaining? What the fuck am I eating that is making me maintain?

Okay the bullshit stops now. I started my period yesterday so I’m probably gonna be retaining water like a bitch until the end of this week, but I refuse to end this week in the 170’s. Idc idc idc.  I can’t do this anymore. I am so fat. I am so ugly. I bought a brand new phone with a really good camera and I have not taken a single selfie because I feel so disgusting. But I refuse to let this go on any longer. I refuse to spend my favorite season of the year ugly and fat again. My face is so fat and disgusting it’s wild. 30 pounds really does a number to you. I have to lose 27 pounds before I’m even 150 now. That’s such a fucking disappointment. Why do I constantly have to let myself down.

So fuck bitching about it, here’s what I’m gonna do.

-169 AT MINIMUM by this Saturday. If I don’t make it I will do a 4 day water fast. -wear my waist trainer on the second set of loops EVERY day for AT LEAST 10 hours -STOP EATING after 6 PM. You’re too tired to make food before then? Sorry, you’re not eating. -Take Bronkaid EVERY day, whether you feel like shit or not. It’s the only thing that keeps your fat ass from binging. -SAVE YOUR MONEY so you can buy the supplements you want to further suppress your appetite AND so you can buy more clothes for when you lose weight -post on Tumblr/Instagram more -End goal: 150 by September 30.

If I can’t manage to just get my shit together and “suffer” for two months to lose 27 pounds… I’ll be devastated. Honestly it won’t even be suffering that long, because after a while it becomes routine.  I just have to have the willpower to stop fucking eating. It’s such a waste of money too. I wanna buy some supplements to help with my appetite (go figure) and I need like 40-60$ for good quality pills. If you’re interested for some reason, I want glucomannan, collagen peptides, 5-htp, and b complex. I also have to buy bronkaid every now and then, so that’s another 15$ I have to have for pills. So spending money on food is a huge waste of time. The waist trainer I bought is also really good at making me not eat as much, it physically prevents me from eating more than a few bites which is fucking sick.

SO THIS IS FOR MY FATASS IF I FEEL LIKE EATING :) My work shirts are getting tighter, especially in my FAT arms. Everyone can see how much weight I’ve gained since starting 7 months ago. Literally TWO pairs of jeans fit rn. Barely any shirts don’t sit weird in my midsection where all my fat is Even when wearing my waist trainer, my fat sticks out at the top of my back My face has so many chins, I literally have no jawline anymore I look like a fat fuck eating literally anything. I have not gone out in a swimsuit ONCE this year, because I’m ashamed of my fat body I’m fatter than all my friends

Okay so I also wanted to briefly mention my friend that doesn’t live here anymore. I think i was calling her Melissa? Anyway she FINALLY posted a pic of her body and it made me feel a little bit better about myself because she gained a ton of weight too. So at least she’s not thinner than me. But it does mean that if I ever see her again that I need to lose so MAJOR weight because last time she saw me I was probably 145. It has been a long ass time since I saw her. Idk how we are even still friends. Anyway.

So yeah. 27 pounds in Two months. Since I’m gonna be 169 by this Saturday then I technically only have to lose 20 pounds in two months. So if I’m 169 on Saturday August 1, then I have 8.5 weeks to lose 20 lbs, so only 2.5 pounds a week which is nothing honestly. I just have to stick to it. I just have to suffer for a little while. Then I’ll be 150 which is a decent starting weight for fall.  I can’t understand why I decided to wait this long. Like I HAVE been trying but I guess not hard enough. It fucking sucks.

Anyway i’m bored talking about it. I’m gonna keep drinking coffee. Bye.

[youre-unaware]

July 6 - gotta lose 5 pounds

July 6

173.4 this morning

I took the day off today because my bf and I were supposed to go somewhere this weekend but we didn’t, so I’m just chilling at home now. Anyway I have drank two cups of coffee and had half a bronkaid AND I decided to take two laxatives lol. I really don’t want to have a good day. Also I’m wearing TWO waist trainers at the same time lol.

Anywayyyyy. I don’t have much else to say except that I need to lose weight obviously. I just got off my period so I’m hoping this lax will flush out a lot of the water weight I have.

So since I’m going to be fat as fuck on my birthday my only goal is to be under 170 FOR GOOD. My birthday is this Saturday and So if all goes well I can probably get to 168 if I just don’t eat. Which I have noticed that this past weekend I really have no appetite. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been taking bronkaid three times a day for the past month or so but I have been feeling so disgusted by food it’s unreal. I can’t take more than a few bites of something without feeling sick. I might take a hot bath to make myself feel less gross.

Moving on to my goals because I have not much else to talk about today besides how horrifically fat I am. My goal is Halloween, which is 117 days away (thanks google). It’s about 17 weeks away, and I’m hoping to be in the 130’s by then. That might be crazy? I don’t actually know anymore what’s realistic and what isn’t. I only have 34.4 pounds left to even breach the 130’s. :) fuck. But I guess if I can get to the low 160’s by the end of this month it might not be so bad. Yeah. Let me get under 160 by July 31. That will set the stage right I think. Okay. I want to be 155 by July 31. 18.4 pounds. That will cut what I have to lose by Halloween in half in the first month. It’s just 25 days of pain. And clearly I don’t have an appetite anyway so it’s not like I’m gonna binge hopefully. I just want to waste away slowly lol. Actually scratch that, i wanna waste away fast as fuck. I was roughly 155 when I started my new job in January. I need to get back to that. The girls at work still call me skinny but I know they’re lying. If they could see my body under my clothes they would understand. My work shirts are getting a little tighter and I hate it. I always adjust my shirt so my fat rolls dont show. I rarely take off my jacket even when I’m hot because I know my arms are huge.

Anyway I’m making myself anxious. I just need to focus on losing weight before my birthday.

168 by my birthday or bust. Hopefully less than that. Fuck this weight and fuck being fat again. I hate myself.  Okay bye.

[youre-unaware]

Thinking of starting an onlyfans for body pics lol

[youre-unaware]

june 20

woke up to 169.4 this morning, not badddddd. So in this week I went from 175 on Sunday to 169.4 today, and technically it won’t be one week until tomorrow. I think it’s very likely that I could be 168 by Sunday, making it a 7 pound loss in one week. That’s insane. 

I feel really strong. I feel really powerful and in control. I feel like I can do anything. And I’m not even fasting. Just taking bronkaid and eating once a day. And from that I have lost 5.6 pounds in just a few days

However I know this rapid rate of weight loss will not last long. So I know that this is not short term, this has to be a long term habit change. I am hoping to stay on this track for as long as I can, ideally I would like to keep losing weight at this rate until I’m at least 160 but I’m not sure how realistic that is. Anyway. I will continue to update as the day progresses.

[youre-unaware]

170.6 today even after eating three slices of pizza at work :) Considering laxing one more time because I’m going to a bday party on Sunday and I don’t wanna look bloated. The lax really made my stomach flat dude... wtf. and I took ONE. Why do I have to have such an easily addicted personality. I really want to take more lax now lol. Ugh. 

[youre-unaware]

Quick update-

Weighed 175 ish when i got back from my weekend trip on 6/14

On 6/16 i woke up and weight 174.6

Yesterday i was 173.4 when i woke up

Today i was 172.2, then when i got home i was 171.4 which felt amazing. But then i had dinner and I just weighed myself after dinner and I was 173.4

BUT i bought lax and took one (1) and now I’m just waiting for the lax cramps to start. I do have work tomorrow so it was a very risky decision but i had to. I’m hoping it wont last more than 12 ish hours, so it should end by 5am tomorrow. But three hours in and I’m not feeling anything. So fuck idk what I’m gonna do if it kicks in at work. Cry and hope for the best i guess.

Anyway here’s to shitting my brains out for the next 12 or so hours. Hopefully tomorrow i will be back at 171 provided the lax works in my favor.

[youre-unaware]

You know what. I spoke too soon. I just shit my brains out and now I’m back down to 172.0. And that was with my 26 inches of thick hair wet from showering. Remember when i used to abuse lax? Honestly..... considering.

[youre-unaware]

Quick update-

Weighed 175 ish when i got back from my weekend trip on 6/14

On 6/16 i woke up and weight 174.6

Yesterday i was 173.4 when i woke up

Today i was 172.2, then when i got home i was 171.4 which felt amazing. But then i had dinner and I just weighed myself after dinner and I was 173.4

BUT i bought lax and took one (1) and now I’m just waiting for the lax cramps to start. I do have work tomorrow so it was a very risky decision but i had to. I’m hoping it wont last more than 12 ish hours, so it should end by 5am tomorrow. But three hours in and I’m not feeling anything. So fuck idk what I’m gonna do if it kicks in at work. Cry and hope for the best i guess.

Anyway here’s to shitting my brains out for the next 12 or so hours. Hopefully tomorrow i will be back at 171 provided the lax works in my favor.

[youre-unaware]

Anyone wanna talk? Hold each other accountable or some shit? Send each other pics of whatever we’re eating/drinking to prevent me from bingeing?