Dear best friend..
“why” - this is the word I am feeling the most this time. I wish I have loved you then, because if I did I wouldn't feel like shit now, but I love you in another way, like I always did.. but this wasn’t enough for you. It’s been eight years with you, you were my best friend and my other better half, only you know me like nobody else. I can’t live without you, you left an really big whole in my heart and in my life. Nobody can replace you, NOBODY! I cry a lot and miss you so much that it hurts, it hurts really bad that I can’t describe it. I never thought I would ever feel like this, and I doesn’t think it goes away. Now it’s more than one year ago I have seen you or heard your voice for the last time, and it feels worse than never before. And the worse is, that it’s don’t matter how much it hurt or how much you mean to me, it will never been like it was and that’s, I think, the hardest part.. because I can’t believe it, it’s not going in my head. I can’t understand that we will never have late-night car rides with loud music and cigarettes. We will never have our deepest deep talks.. I will never have a person like you again, nobody know’s the parts of my life and I will never tell nobody what I told you. I can’t understand.. you’re happy with her, I know and that was my biggest wish ever, but why can’t you be happy with me and her - she is your girlfriend and I’m your bestfriend?! If you really love her from your whole heart I’m not a threat anymore and we can be friends like you always want to. Why did you drop me, and when there is no other way for you, why you drop me in the hardest way I could ever imagine? The last time you got in my car you were like a stranger to me, so cold and not interested in my life. But this wasn’t enough for you.. no you broke all promises you have ever gave to me - my whole world broke and broke and broke with every word you said to me. All the things we did before together you do with her now. It feels like she is me but the difference is she loves you not like a best friend she loves you like a girlfriend. This is everything I meant to you? If you find someone you really love and who loves you back - I’m nothing?! I thought our friendship is the strongest ever and nothing can break us .. I was wrong because someone could! I don’t know how to life, how to love life and how I should ever hear our music without crying immediately .. For real.. I was so glad that the Eden Tour was cancelled because I thought you were there with her.. I couldn't have endured this fact in my mind. I can’t endured the thought that you’re doing all the stuff we did with her now. Sometimes late at night I’m watching old pictures of us and there is one idea on my mind that makes me cry a lot more - I WOULD HAVE DONE EVERYTHING WITH YOU! - the reality hits so hard at these moments because you’re not here and nothing will be like it was .. I will never realize this fact completely it hurts so bad. Nobody could have hurt me as badly as you because I never expected you to - but you did and it’s the worse pain I’ve ever felt. I want to let you know something I’m happy that you’re happy with her now, and I think you’re really happy! This fact makes it a bit bearable to me. It doesn’t matter how hard you hurt me, my door is always open to you because my love for you is unconditionally.
Now I want to let some lyrics here that you know and that describe my feelings and my pain the whole time.
If I told you how the story ends, would you chance every step you take?
..but you can leave if you really want to
..’cause we’ve been driving so long I can’t remember how we got here
Try to forget it but it won’t stop killing you
..and I haven’t seen you’re face or heard your voice in so long
If anyone would ever read this, yes every word is real, no it don’t think this person would ever read this. These are my deepest feelings and I’m German, so don’t look at my grammar.
