“Three years ago, I was so in love with someone else. He made me feel giddy, protected, and lusted after. He made me feel sexy and rare, like I was made just for him. Despite every single piece of adversity that the universe threw our way, it only proved to us that we had the devotion and strength to pull through. Just thinking about him makes me feel young again, I can feel my face heating up just thinking about the sound of his voice. Even after I had to cut things off for someone new, he made me feel adored, even with an ocean between us. I couldn’t love him properly though, I fell in love with this boy when I was just a girl. I wish life had not given me a deep love so early on in life. It has only set me up to look and yearn for it in places it has no chance in being. I love someone new now. He is so much like me in some ways, and in other ways, he and I couldn’t be any different. In the beginning, he made me feel special and rare. Now I feel, just like anyone else. If there were a line up of 30 men and I were blindfolded, I could find him out of the mix. I know the contours of his body better than my own. I know him exactly. I thrive learning things about my lovers, if there was an encyclopedia on him, I’d buy it in a heart beat. My current love is a good man. But there are so many things that I feel like I will never feel again. And I am worried that I am too young to be deprived of that kind of loving. God looked down at me before my birth and proclaimed, “Give her true love before she is ready, let her whole life be a journey searching for the glimpse of love she had when she was young. Let her purpose be to seek truth, of where love resides and how to find it.” Years later, I sit here thinking about my first love, the people in between, and the person now. I crave to be longed after. To have someone be in awe of my presence. My current love says he wants to be my last love, wants me forever and always to have and to hold. But I know him better than myself. I feel like he is too afraid of the future to ever commit to me like that. Too self-involved to devote his time and energy to me. And where do I stand? Knowing what it is like to be adored by someone who is now long gone and being with someone who may not even truly want me. I can’t leave because what if it gets good? What if I am meant to be patient? What if this is a test to see if this love will become the love I need? How do I know, how will I know? I want him to be afraid of touching me, I want him to be gentle. I want the sparks and the romance. I need devotion and adoration. I want him to be afraid of losing me. I want him to look at me the way I look at him- like there is no one else in the universe that I want more. I want him to want me the way I want to be loved.”
gummygunk
dailybridgerton
stormborns
annaxmalina
turnnoffyourmind
