Katchian Apologist

“Then, I'll kiss you according to my conviction.” Turning Side Blog

[yudrein-aile]

about

Call me Letters! This is my Turning side blog.

Find my fanfics at @loosingmoreletters and my main blog @jasontoddiefor.

Why you should read Turning

Turning Wiki (not hosted on fandom!)

Official English Webcomic Release

The Novel on RidiBooks

[veggiesforpresident]

honestly one of my favorite things about fanfic is when you can see the canon influences come out in really subtle ways. like a canon line thats mentioned once as a throwaway is suddenly the entire premise for a fic or it influences the characterization or something. its just so cool to see how people weave their ideas around a source material, especially if its not a detail i'd thought about before

[kirkwallsquad]

15 questions for people with multiple ocs

which oc has the greenest thumb?

which oc has someone they're inseparable from? who is it?

which oc do you have a perfect song for?

which oc gets sick the most?

which oc gets injured the most?

which oc has siblings? how many?

which oc laughs the loudest?

which oc has the strictest routines?

which oc has the most one-sided rivalries? with who?

which oc is the happiest with their appearance?

which oc is the least happy with their appearance?

which oc is the most musical?

which oc has the most nicknames? what are they?

which oc is the most ambitious?

which oc is not alive?

[yudrein-aile]

I still don't show my face online, so I hope you'll excuse my adorable icon! Here's my Shuraka cosplay! I decided to orientate myself on the outfit he wears in chapter 21 if I'm not mistaken. I learned a lot while making this and almost desire to make a new and improved version now hahaha.

Some more details below the cut! thank u @foxhanbin for taking these photos! and thanks to everyone who was so encouraging telling me to share them

[yudrein-aile]

I know this blog is incoherent but should I post my Shuraka cosplay photos here,,,,

[yudrein-aile]

@gayandfullofdismay asked fore more analepsis OC lore after I so shamelessly cried that nobody asks me anything about this fic hahaha

Luka

He’s from a northern kingdom

Has an older brother he doesn’t really get along with – it’s complicated. They didn’t see eye to eye in some matters and Luka eventually left. Any other relative is so distant, it might as well not count

Actually wasn’t planning to settle in Rozan territory – he wanted to head further South, but (un)fortunately Yuder saved his ass while out on a monster hunt

Information broker is not what he set out to be, but let’s just say, the 13-year-old freak of nature killing a monster in front of him left an impression

He's self-taught. sort of. he also has a teacher. sort of. more on Luka when we're out of the capital unless Kishiar fucks up my outline. again.

Kiara

Rauze is actually her mother’s last name! Hence people calling her “Lady Rauze” – she avoids using the other name.

Her parents were a love match with her father being the second son of the family and deciding to marry her mother and taking on her last name (bc. Spoiler. He did not like his family)

Unfortunately, her mother was always a little sickly. Kiara’s father died when she was four, her mother when she was six – so she really doesn’t have many memories of them. She remembers her mother as being kind and always looking very dignified – resembling Faria in a way. She was not, Kiara’s mother was rather brash and rude, utterly unladylike, more of a tomboy. But Kiara remembers her as sick and all sick mother’s ever do is try to seem less fragile. Her father was a quiet man by comparison, a good listener, a bit goofy and incapable of lying.

Her uncle is a POS who was 100% planning on marrying her off until the news came that Keilusa and Faria were looking for a child with a closer blood relation to them.

So Kiara was never afraid of her Uncle, but he's deeply unpleasant. paraded her around like she's this great burden he took on, but well. at home he doesn't look at her. she is fed and she has clothes and she receives lessons, but only because he has to keep up appearances really. nothing is for her sake

hence margarita meaning so much to Kiara. This is someone who cares for her - wants to care for her. someone between a friend, an older sister and a teacher!

[yudrein-aile]

Pellinore

probably the most chill and kind Herne (... because he's from a branch family)

His father died relatively early and his mother is his whole world

He went into this competition as the only candidate who knew he wouldn't be and also didn't want to be crown prince

He decided to join the competition exactly because of that, because the reward would make life a little easier on his mother (fallen nobility, enough money to keep up the appearance of nobility, but not really there anymore)

I haven't quite settled on the degree of relation to Faria, but they just call each other cousins anyway. he knew her from an early age on as she frequently visited him and his mother before her marriage

he loves everything botanical and actually spent most of the time in the capital in the various parks and gardens

only child too and was kind of looking forward to treating Kiara like a sibling since she would be the child of his dearest family member

i imagine that in a kinder world, where everything went right, he becomes Myra el Herne's secretary

[yudrein-aile]

@gayandfullofdismay asked fore more analepsis OC lore after I so shamelessly cried that nobody asks me anything about this fic hahaha

Luka

He’s from a northern kingdom

Has an older brother he doesn’t really get along with – it’s complicated. They didn’t see eye to eye in some matters and Luka eventually left. Any other relative is so distant, it might as well not count

Actually wasn’t planning to settle in Rozan territory – he wanted to head further South, but (un)fortunately Yuder saved his ass while out on a monster hunt

Information broker is not what he set out to be, but let’s just say, the 13-year-old freak of nature killing a monster in front of him left an impression

He's self-taught. sort of. he also has a teacher. sort of. more on Luka when we're out of the capital unless Kishiar fucks up my outline. again.

Kiara

Rauze is actually her mother’s last name! Hence people calling her “Lady Rauze” – she avoids using the other name.

Her parents were a love match with her father being the second son of the family and deciding to marry her mother and taking on her last name (bc. Spoiler. He did not like his family)

Unfortunately, her mother was always a little sickly. Kiara’s father died when she was four, her mother when she was six – so she really doesn’t have many memories of them. She remembers her mother as being kind and always looking very dignified – resembling Faria in a way. She was not, Kiara’s mother was rather brash and rude, utterly unladylike, more of a tomboy. But Kiara remembers her as sick and all sick mother’s ever do is try to seem less fragile. Her father was a quiet man by comparison, a good listener, a bit goofy and incapable of lying.

Her uncle is a POS who was 100% planning on marrying her off until the news came that Keilusa and Faria were looking for a child with a closer blood relation to them.

So Kiara was never afraid of her Uncle, but he's deeply unpleasant. paraded her around like she's this great burden he took on, but well. at home he doesn't look at her. she is fed and she has clothes and she receives lessons, but only because he has to keep up appearances really. nothing is for her sake

hence margarita meaning so much to Kiara. This is someone who cares for her - wants to care for her. someone between a friend, an older sister and a teacher!

[roseniji2704]

Turning fanweek: Model Yuder + Sponsor Kishiar

[allthingswhumpyandangsty]

this and also there’s something very beautiful about watching in progress fics grow. shout out to in progress fics <3

[roseniji2704]

Yuder birthday art~ 💜

[inaloversquarrel]

[yudrein-aile]

I call this analepsis if Yuder fessed up. Not edited, fresh from phone notes.

.

Staring at his reflection in the window, Yuder once again marveled at the joy of having his adult body back. It still ached from the sudden growth, and if Enon was to be believed, his heart had stopped twice during the procedure, but here he was again.

Almost.

"Are you well?" His grandfather asked, concern lacing his voice.

"Yes," Yuder replied, then belatedly tagged on, "Father."

Pain flashed over his grandfather's face, but he quickly caught himself. Yuder had abandoned his child identity and taken on the one of a person dearly missed. His Grandfather had gone to remove Anyuval's headstone from the garden and instead now kept his late son's trinkets on his desk.

For all the world, Yuder was Anyuval returned, missing for years now as he'd been amnesiac in some backwards village in the South instead of dead in monster's old haunts.

Yuder wondered if his Uncle, were he alive, would protest at Yuder stealing his identity like that, but the Knight's Captain had assured him he wouldn't be. Anyuval used to be a kind and cheerful man, would not mind lending his name and identity to his nephew.

The carriage finally stopped and they stepped out. Peletta looked the same as it did in Yuder's memory, yet much more vibrant and alive.

Another carriage stopped right beside them, a big and gaudy thing that seemed entirely impractical for the weather. The door opened and a man matching the carriage's exterior stepped out of it, but the moment he saw Yuder, he slipped on the step and landed in the snow. As pale as his surroundings, he pointed at Yuder. "G-ghost!"

His grandfather only scoffed. “Do you take an issue with my son?”

"Son!?" Count Ester screeched. "B-but Anyuval, he died, he is dead."

The way he phrased it gave Yuder pause, but he had no time to contemplate such matters as his attention was drawn away by familiar steps.

Kishiar la Orr too was familiar yet changed. He was younger for one, younger than Yuder and the man whose identity he had assumed. His age aside, however, he also looked... worse. A sick tint to his skin that couldn't be from the lights, a thinness unexpected of a man Yuder remembered as broad.

"Marquess Rozan, Sir Rozan and Count Ester,” Kishiar interrupted the discussion lightly as though he had only just walked down the steps of the inner castle and had not been listening for a while now. “I apologize for not making haste. I welcome you to Peletta.”

The fact that Kishiar greeted Yuder before Count Ester pleased Yerasim as he immediately discarded his frown, Yuder himself thought it was pretty pointless. Anyuval and Kishiar hadn't known each other as far as Yerasim knew. And if he did, then any unfamiliarity could be explained away by Yuder's supposedly damaged memory.

Yuder spent the next days in a daze, wondering if Kishiar had discovered the ruse As no matter the situation, his eyes would not leave Yuder. It was unnerving, yet strangely comfortable. The only person Yuder knew in this time and before was Enon and he was in the capital, far away from Yuder's reach.

And then, just when Yuder thought Kishiar's attention could not get any worse, he woke from that accursed dream. So many years in the past already, and not once had he dreamed of the time Kishiar was still alive to him.

Throwing a coat over himself, Yuder left his room behind, hoping the distance would do him well. He ended up leaning against a stone pillar, watching the cold sea clash against dark stone below.

And then, just when Yuder thought he could forget, he was alerted by another approaching. More on reflex than clear thought he reached for the dagger he kept hidden on him - avoided throwing it only in the last second, Kishiar's presence revealed to him.

"... Good evening, Duke Peletta."

He must look ridiculous, a grown man wandering through the castle at night.

"Good evening,” Kishiar replied with an amused smile. “If sleep alludes you, the kitchens are available for something warm to drink.”

“I don’t sleep much,” Yuder answered, though the aftermath of the aging ritual had drained him quite heavily.

“Neither do I,” Kishiar told him and leaned against the cool wall of the castle. “There are never enough hours in the day to get the work done as you must have noticed today.”

Yuder clicked his tongue. His grandfather had told him to hold back - but Yuder knew the efficiency of the Cavalry and found the northern nobles to be lacking.

They traded some more words back and forth, his replies seemingly delighting Kishiar.

"Would you like to have tea in my office?” Kishiar finally offered. “I will not go to bed for hours and would not mind acting as a trial for your suggestions.”

Yuder paused, considered the state of himself and Kishiar. Was it inevitable that they would end up like this again? Had it been years ago, when he just arrived in this time, or on night he hadn't just dreamed of the man in front of him, perhaps Yuder woukd have been outraged.

Instead, he agreed, followed Kishiar to his office, the place he had once murdered him.

Kishiar closed the door behind him and then turned to Yuder with a smile. "Well, I will set-"

Not waiting for Kishiar to finish his sentence, Yuder pressed him to the door. With one of his legs between Kishiar's, Yuder put his mouth to Kishiar's throat. Calling it a kiss would be too kind, but it was driven by the same passion anyway.

"Anyuval—"

"Is this not what we came here for?" Yuder asked, somehow displeased to hear this false name come from Kishiar's mouth.

"I—" Kishiar faltered. His face was flushed, the expression unexpectedly enchanting.

I did that, Yuder thought and sank to his knees.

.

[And then they fuck nasty and yuder spends the next months assuming Kishiar was into him bc he had secretly been involved with his Uncle before Yuval died. Kishiar is horrified when he asks if they were dating before 'his' accident. What kind of signs has he been sending to his lover that he thinks Kishiar is the kinda trash who would not inform his amnesiac lover they used to date. Also he just kept watch bc he was worried 'Yuval' would have vessel issues since he was a swordmaster and now isn't anymore. Also I think Yuder topped if that matters to anyone.]

[cyrellinate]

👀

Tell me more pretty please? 🥺 (letters, asking from main)

👀👀👀 ok this is gonna be long but basically from my pov it's how 1tl kishiar's actions and intent do not exist in a vacuum and examining how it affects and the implications it brings on his relationship with yuder is a really interesting point that i just microwave over and over again. it's how it's easy to say that yes kishiar's intent wasn't at all to manipulate or power abuse yudrein and how it did come from a genuine yearning and love but it doesn't mean that the inherent power dynamic of commoner/royalty, subordinate/commander, 20/29 doesnt affect that relationship, that it doesnt fuck it up a lot too. 1tl kishiyu was not at all on equal terms lmao and i think that it's okay (and fun!) to put that into discussion when talking abt 1tl kishiar

CONTENT WARNING: Discussions of and allusions to sexual coercion, dubious consent, and nonconsent

DISCLAIMER: first of all, i want to say that i understand where the fandom's reluctance on discussing this and the discomfort around this topic comes from, esp for a beloved character like kishiar. it can feel like condemnation, because a lot of people for some reason think that liking a character means endorsing everything that they do. however, i do believe that there is merit in discussing this aspect to their relationship as it not only provides depth from a narrative standpoint but also that engaging with fictional media with awareness of what it can entail is an important mindset to have, and that it shouldn't always have to reflect on what your personal beliefs are. saying this just in case, but this post is not made to condemn kishiar as a character nor anyone liking him (if you know me im like Big Kishiar Fan guy here) nor will i appreciate anyone using this post in that way. please be aware of your own comfort levels.

ramble ahead >>

in your (letters) og post, you brought up the dubious consent nature of 1tl kishiyu, and i agree! it's interesting because i agree that kishiar is not at all someone who'd force himself onto another (ESPECIALLY yuder) if the other had said no, but that's the catch. on top of their power gap, we don't know how and in what state yudrein had agreed to the whole fuckbuddies thing, and frankly it's kinda hard to imagine he was enthusiastic about it considering the Incident. one would argue that yuder isn't one to bow down on nobility and would've outwardly refused if he Truly didn't want to, but I beg to differ, and I come bringing evidences. Perhaps if it was other nobles, but kishiar is evidently different in context, and we HAVE actually seen 1tl yuder being reluctant to talk back to kishiar (chap 540):

both yuder and yudrein had also always subconsciously held kishiar in a pedestal. that's why even if yuder had outwardly said yes to the whole fuckbuddies thing, i would argue that, at least from our current information, it didn't seem like an enthusiastic or healthy one to warrant saying that it was perfectly consensual. ntm the flashback scene of the fuckbuddies proposition, which while not elaborated in the novel, the manhwa made it look like it was made not long after the incident (novel 37 and manhwa 25)

which add onto the dubious pile because yuder didn't seem like he was in the position to clearly think about it, had he agreed at that moment. and i would even argue that even after that too, considering he never realized his feelings for kishiar.

yuder's impression of the fuckbuddies situationship was also never good, even after he had gotten together with kishiar 2tl. even if he did had feelings for kishiar that he didn't know of, i think it shouldn't negate the bad experience either. it'd make the dynamic of 1tl kishiyu more interesting imo with the dubious angle on top of its already tragic nature. the fact that 2tl yuder got a sense of liberty over having a semblance of choice over his sexual activities also say a lot about the unhealthy nature of 1tl kishiyu, me thinks (ch 459)

so in conclusion my take on the fuckbuddies consent situation is that it was dubious as hell. even if yudrein had secretly liked it and yearned for kishiar's affections, i still think that it doesn't at all negate the dubious nature of it, plus the power imbalance it sits on really doesn't help. sure one can argue that expression of consent in writing can be dynamic (like, narratively speaking, sometimes having that scene of a healthy verbal discussions of consent in smut can break the flow of smexy and come off as therapytalk), but considering circumstancial evidence i really do find it hard to believe that yuder would be enthusiastic about this arrangement.

next, abt the power dynamics. i've already said it but there IS inherently a power gap with 1tl kishiyu, multiple ones in fact (age gap, status gap, mentor/student, subordinate/boss) that it really is such a cherry on top to the already noncommunicative nature of 1tl kishiyu. taking from letters' og post abt it too, kishiar was also the sole source of information and mentorship yudrein received, in which information that flows is controlled by kishiar. kishiar has power over yudrein in a lot of ways, and whether kishiar truly realizes the full scope of that or not is tbh anyone's guess. and kishiar was absolutely using yudrein for his own goals, was aware of it, felt guilty of it, and continued to do it (hence the stone pieces scene). he felt fit to entrust yudrein with a huge responsibility despite their mutual noncon tragedy. they were never on equal grounds, and power imbalance is like toxic relationship 101.

and here comes my favorite part: Kishiar, specifically. because this all looks bad on paper, but we know kishiar. we know that he never intended any malicious intent and that it all rooted on desperation and love, plus his own spiraling mental health. and my take is that both of these can coexist and is also simultaenously the cause of it. this is why i said kishiar's intent and actions do not exist in a vacuum, because said actions still bore consequences despite his intent. it's Tragedy in the way that he held so much love and yearning, but in his quest to quench it he had exerted power and hurt over the very person he loved with all his being. the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and good intentions alone won't undo the harm it causes. this is exactly the point that gets me so crazy abt 1tl kishiar because??? wow his fuckbuddy situationship (that HE started) is dubious as fuck and his power imbalance (which, in kuyu's qna where kuyu said 1tl kishiar was very aware of the age gap, id assume hed know too to some extent) is dubious as fuck and hes being intentionally cruel too a lot of times, damaging yuder's sense of self-worth thoroughly and irreversibly changed him while also simulatenously holding such deep and painfully yearnful love. his extreme self-awareness and guilt about it too is so deliciously gutwrenching for me, like fuckk i eat that up so good. i speculate too that another reason why he never revealed his love overtly other than the fact that he's dying is that hed think it rlly would be insulting. imagine if your whole life got uprooted and youre being pushed and pulled around (heh) by your superior seemingly on a whim, then you were told that it was done out of love. i'd be on the news. maybe thats why 1tl kishiar never bothered with apologies either; because he thinks that it couldn't and shouldn't be forgiven, even if he desperately wants to. 1tl kishiar is contradictory especially with his genuine love and intentional cruelty. and it's exactly that side of him that scared 2tl kishiar the most (one of it, tbf) when it comes to facing the white gloves, because kishiar is self-aware and he's made fully aware that he has the capabilities of all that. that's why i truly do find takes on kishiar in regarding to the power he holds to be real interesting. ive seen a post here somewhere too pointing out that kishiar's way of playing and manipulating with people can be terrifying, because it depends on who he deems it to be deserving or not. kishiar is not malicious in nature, but perhaps its that intentionality paired with his proficiency in influencing people when he deems it necessary enough that can be scary when dealing with him.

AND NOW WE'RE BACK TO YUDER because character agency is very important here too and it's also what cements kishiyu as Very Insane to me. i've listed down the dubious nature of 1tl kishiyu's relationship, and yuder would have PLENTY of reasons to truly resent kishiar. it would be VERY valid of yuder too if he were to not accept kishiar back in his life, because despite all the reasons and love and yearning, the harm is still done, and kishiar is painfully aware of this too. but he did. yuder accepted kishiar again and even loves him even deeper. he chose to look forward despite all the trauma and hurt and embraced kishiar again, chose to understand him deeper still despite everything. this is why kishiar is so reverent almost to the point of worship. this is why kishiar felt like as if yuder was his god who gave him everything. because in his view, he really did. yuder gave kishiar everything kishiar had ever yearned for despite literally everything that happened. this is why i and you all do not condemn kishiar for what he did; because yuder didn't. that's why i think it's important to acknowledge and discuss the true scope of problems in 1tl kishiyu because it really does make yuder's growth and decision regarding his relationship with kishiar even more meaningful. that's why too i really need yuder himself to also acknowledge that instead of automatically thinking that it's his fault for not understanding 1tl kishiar enough or the like :((

so tldr, i think the dubious nature of 1tl kishiyu is important because it makes 2tl kishiyu even more meaningful and Insane (and because i feed off this kind of angst So good)

[yudrein-aile]

LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!! Will add from chapter 926, a passage that has haunted me:

The hands that would silently retreat as if even a lingering gaze was too much to bear.

Yuder had once suspected that the man, being of noble birth, wore gloves because he disliked touching a commoner like Yuder. It was common for nobles to mix with commoner concubines without fully undressing, revealing only parts of their bodies.

Even though the man must have known of Yuder's suspicions, he never explained, leading Yuder to believe it was the truth.

During those numerous nights, Yuder experienced fleeting yet profound misery. With each physical response of pleasure, an inexplicable, clumsy hope grew inside him, one that he couldn't eradicate. The wounds to his pride, stained anew each time that indescribable thing shattered. The realization on those miserable days that the man behind him was the only chest he could lean on and rely upon. Each time, the sprouts of his withering emotions dried up.

Like this is also an incredibly horrific description. Like Yuder at one point seemingly was under the impression that he is, essentially if I'm allowed to exaggerate a little, only slightly more convenient than a sex worker. Someone to fool around with, but not even a fuck buddy in the positive sense of mutual release, more like someone starving for affection and being utilized instead.

[cyrellinate]

AMAZING addition ourgfhgfh because even with the consent issues aside, this physical relationship is just genuinely so miserable for yuder that its only takeaway is the physical pleasure. literally big part of why his sense of self-worth is so fucked up. adding too the quote on the top of my Diabolical Kishiar Lines ranking (chp 400)

intentional cruelty at play again because wow way to convey that their relationship is practically meaningless. comes as he pleases, fucking yuder until unconsciousness, leaving a cold side of the bed for yuder to wake up to, making yuder think that he's only worth a bedwarmer, only to insinuate that their relationship isn't even a grain worth to him.

in kishiar's defense the gloves wasn't part of that cruelty because of his genuine issues with it but what IS cruelty is not communicating abt it!!! 1tl kishiyu is not miscommunication its kishiar deliberately shutting down any form of honest and personal communications!!! all while he keeps fucking yuder until he passes out irregularly. like my guy you know this looks real bad on you right.

[yudrein-aile]

all of this yes! And I find it particularly interesting because it isn't as though Kishiar is unaware of such behavior? In 460 we have

Discerning the sexual desire directed toward him had been such a frequent experience for Kishiar that it was difficult to keep count. Many nobles had looked down upon him as a foolish and dissolute scion of a soon-to-be-extinct imperial family. They treated him as if he were a perishable fruit that must be consumed before it rots away.

Of course, Kishiar was well aware that the world didn't only consist of such sticky desires, and that there was no need to be overly concerned about them. But knowing and feeling are two different things.

Like he has been looked at and treated as a sex object, so I find it fascinating that he is apparently mentally so down at rock bottom - he's dying again, he watched his brother die and his SIL potentially be murdered without being and to stop it - that he still treats Yuder in a way that gives away the exact feeling once directed at him

[cyrellinate]

👀

Tell me more pretty please? 🥺 (letters, asking from main)

👀👀👀 ok this is gonna be long but basically from my pov it's how 1tl kishiar's actions and intent do not exist in a vacuum and examining how it affects and the implications it brings on his relationship with yuder is a really interesting point that i just microwave over and over again. it's how it's easy to say that yes kishiar's intent wasn't at all to manipulate or power abuse yudrein and how it did come from a genuine yearning and love but it doesn't mean that the inherent power dynamic of commoner/royalty, subordinate/commander, 20/29 doesnt affect that relationship, that it doesnt fuck it up a lot too. 1tl kishiyu was not at all on equal terms lmao and i think that it's okay (and fun!) to put that into discussion when talking abt 1tl kishiar

CONTENT WARNING: Discussions of and allusions to sexual coercion, dubious consent, and nonconsent

DISCLAIMER: first of all, i want to say that i understand where the fandom's reluctance on discussing this and the discomfort around this topic comes from, esp for a beloved character like kishiar. it can feel like condemnation, because a lot of people for some reason think that liking a character means endorsing everything that they do. however, i do believe that there is merit in discussing this aspect to their relationship as it not only provides depth from a narrative standpoint but also that engaging with fictional media with awareness of what it can entail is an important mindset to have, and that it shouldn't always have to reflect on what your personal beliefs are. saying this just in case, but this post is not made to condemn kishiar as a character nor anyone liking him (if you know me im like Big Kishiar Fan guy here) nor will i appreciate anyone using this post in that way. please be aware of your own comfort levels.

ramble ahead >>

in your (letters) og post, you brought up the dubious consent nature of 1tl kishiyu, and i agree! it's interesting because i agree that kishiar is not at all someone who'd force himself onto another (ESPECIALLY yuder) if the other had said no, but that's the catch. on top of their power gap, we don't know how and in what state yudrein had agreed to the whole fuckbuddies thing, and frankly it's kinda hard to imagine he was enthusiastic about it considering the Incident. one would argue that yuder isn't one to bow down on nobility and would've outwardly refused if he Truly didn't want to, but I beg to differ, and I come bringing evidences. Perhaps if it was other nobles, but kishiar is evidently different in context, and we HAVE actually seen 1tl yuder being reluctant to talk back to kishiar (chap 540):

both yuder and yudrein had also always subconsciously held kishiar in a pedestal. that's why even if yuder had outwardly said yes to the whole fuckbuddies thing, i would argue that, at least from our current information, it didn't seem like an enthusiastic or healthy one to warrant saying that it was perfectly consensual. ntm the flashback scene of the fuckbuddies proposition, which while not elaborated in the novel, the manhwa made it look like it was made not long after the incident (novel 37 and manhwa 25)

which add onto the dubious pile because yuder didn't seem like he was in the position to clearly think about it, had he agreed at that moment. and i would even argue that even after that too, considering he never realized his feelings for kishiar.

yuder's impression of the fuckbuddies situationship was also never good, even after he had gotten together with kishiar 2tl. even if he did had feelings for kishiar that he didn't know of, i think it shouldn't negate the bad experience either. it'd make the dynamic of 1tl kishiyu more interesting imo with the dubious angle on top of its already tragic nature. the fact that 2tl yuder got a sense of liberty over having a semblance of choice over his sexual activities also say a lot about the unhealthy nature of 1tl kishiyu, me thinks (ch 459)

so in conclusion my take on the fuckbuddies consent situation is that it was dubious as hell. even if yudrein had secretly liked it and yearned for kishiar's affections, i still think that it doesn't at all negate the dubious nature of it, plus the power imbalance it sits on really doesn't help. sure one can argue that expression of consent in writing can be dynamic (like, narratively speaking, sometimes having that scene of a healthy verbal discussions of consent in smut can break the flow of smexy and come off as therapytalk), but considering circumstancial evidence i really do find it hard to believe that yuder would be enthusiastic about this arrangement.

next, abt the power dynamics. i've already said it but there IS inherently a power gap with 1tl kishiyu, multiple ones in fact (age gap, status gap, mentor/student, subordinate/boss) that it really is such a cherry on top to the already noncommunicative nature of 1tl kishiyu. taking from letters' og post abt it too, kishiar was also the sole source of information and mentorship yudrein received, in which information that flows is controlled by kishiar. kishiar has power over yudrein in a lot of ways, and whether kishiar truly realizes the full scope of that or not is tbh anyone's guess. and kishiar was absolutely using yudrein for his own goals, was aware of it, felt guilty of it, and continued to do it (hence the stone pieces scene). he felt fit to entrust yudrein with a huge responsibility despite their mutual noncon tragedy. they were never on equal grounds, and power imbalance is like toxic relationship 101.

and here comes my favorite part: Kishiar, specifically. because this all looks bad on paper, but we know kishiar. we know that he never intended any malicious intent and that it all rooted on desperation and love, plus his own spiraling mental health. and my take is that both of these can coexist and is also simultaenously the cause of it. this is why i said kishiar's intent and actions do not exist in a vacuum, because said actions still bore consequences despite his intent. it's Tragedy in the way that he held so much love and yearning, but in his quest to quench it he had exerted power and hurt over the very person he loved with all his being. the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and good intentions alone won't undo the harm it causes. this is exactly the point that gets me so crazy abt 1tl kishiar because??? wow his fuckbuddy situationship (that HE started) is dubious as fuck and his power imbalance (which, in kuyu's qna where kuyu said 1tl kishiar was very aware of the age gap, id assume hed know too to some extent) is dubious as fuck and hes being intentionally cruel too a lot of times, damaging yuder's sense of self-worth thoroughly and irreversibly changed him while also simulatenously holding such deep and painfully yearnful love. his extreme self-awareness and guilt about it too is so deliciously gutwrenching for me, like fuckk i eat that up so good. i speculate too that another reason why he never revealed his love overtly other than the fact that he's dying is that hed think it rlly would be insulting. imagine if your whole life got uprooted and youre being pushed and pulled around (heh) by your superior seemingly on a whim, then you were told that it was done out of love. i'd be on the news. maybe thats why 1tl kishiar never bothered with apologies either; because he thinks that it couldn't and shouldn't be forgiven, even if he desperately wants to. 1tl kishiar is contradictory especially with his genuine love and intentional cruelty. and it's exactly that side of him that scared 2tl kishiar the most (one of it, tbf) when it comes to facing the white gloves, because kishiar is self-aware and he's made fully aware that he has the capabilities of all that. that's why i truly do find takes on kishiar in regarding to the power he holds to be real interesting. ive seen a post here somewhere too pointing out that kishiar's way of playing and manipulating with people can be terrifying, because it depends on who he deems it to be deserving or not. kishiar is not malicious in nature, but perhaps its that intentionality paired with his proficiency in influencing people when he deems it necessary enough that can be scary when dealing with him.

AND NOW WE'RE BACK TO YUDER because character agency is very important here too and it's also what cements kishiyu as Very Insane to me. i've listed down the dubious nature of 1tl kishiyu's relationship, and yuder would have PLENTY of reasons to truly resent kishiar. it would be VERY valid of yuder too if he were to not accept kishiar back in his life, because despite all the reasons and love and yearning, the harm is still done, and kishiar is painfully aware of this too. but he did. yuder accepted kishiar again and even loves him even deeper. he chose to look forward despite all the trauma and hurt and embraced kishiar again, chose to understand him deeper still despite everything. this is why kishiar is so reverent almost to the point of worship. this is why kishiar felt like as if yuder was his god who gave him everything. because in his view, he really did. yuder gave kishiar everything kishiar had ever yearned for despite literally everything that happened. this is why i and you all do not condemn kishiar for what he did; because yuder didn't. that's why i think it's important to acknowledge and discuss the true scope of problems in 1tl kishiyu because it really does make yuder's growth and decision regarding his relationship with kishiar even more meaningful. that's why too i really need yuder himself to also acknowledge that instead of automatically thinking that it's his fault for not understanding 1tl kishiar enough or the like :((

so tldr, i think the dubious nature of 1tl kishiyu is important because it makes 2tl kishiyu even more meaningful and Insane (and because i feed off this kind of angst So good)

[yudrein-aile]

LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!! Will add from chapter 926, a passage that has haunted me:

The hands that would silently retreat as if even a lingering gaze was too much to bear.

Yuder had once suspected that the man, being of noble birth, wore gloves because he disliked touching a commoner like Yuder. It was common for nobles to mix with commoner concubines without fully undressing, revealing only parts of their bodies.

Even though the man must have known of Yuder's suspicions, he never explained, leading Yuder to believe it was the truth.

During those numerous nights, Yuder experienced fleeting yet profound misery. With each physical response of pleasure, an inexplicable, clumsy hope grew inside him, one that he couldn't eradicate. The wounds to his pride, stained anew each time that indescribable thing shattered. The realization on those miserable days that the man behind him was the only chest he could lean on and rely upon. Each time, the sprouts of his withering emotions dried up.

Like this is also an incredibly horrific description. Like Yuder at one point seemingly was under the impression that he is, essentially if I'm allowed to exaggerate a little, only slightly more convenient than a sex worker. Someone to fool around with, but not even a fuck buddy in the positive sense of mutual release, more like someone starving for affection and being utilized instead.

[yudrein-aile]

Hi!! So like I read your Trias Politica recently, and I'm already hooked on it so BADLY!!!! I'm so looking forward to the future chapters and potential angst it will be bringing!!! Usually I absolutely loathe Katchian but I'm in love with the way you write that character. So I'm down for the newest dynamic between him and Yuder in this story!! So my question is, you said in the beginning notes about how Duke Diarca's treatment mirrors Kishiar's treatment of Yuder in the 1st tl. And that got me thinking....like I can think of some surface level similarities between Katchian's treatment and Yuder's treatment and their contrasting results....but what else is there??? Please give me your godly insights on them!!! 🥺🥺🙏

jhsfdjshg I'm glad you like my self indulgent little fanfic!!! and lkdhldkh i dont know about godly but like my side sentence of "Duke Diarca treated Katchian similarly to how Kishiar treated Yuder" relates fully to the position of authority both of these characters have over their wards.

Katchian is brought to the Empire as a young teenager with the promise that he will finally get his birthright - the noble life promised to him by virtue of his noble mother - only to very quickly be made to realize that the only worth he has is his face. Duke Diarca teaches him that he has to be useful, that he has to look correctly. From what we can gleam of the first timeline, and his downfall in the second, he didn't even receive the proper education to rule. He was not expected to actually become Emperor, he was just the puppet Duke Diarca wanted to put on the throne. The power dynamic here leaves Katchian in ignorance and dependent.

As for Yuder - we do know that Kishiar cherished him and he certainly didn't intend to raise a puppet for him to control, but a replacement.

And yet.

We still don't know the exact circumstances that led to Yuder being picked as his heir or his reaction to it, but most of Yuder's education to his station is 1) entirely dependent on what Kishiar sees fit to teach him 2) leaves Yuder rather ignorant of Kishiar's motives still. In a way, Kishair is also just using Yuder. Were he kind, he would not have put Yuder, already stigmatized by their mutual non con heat situation, into a situation that exposes him to even more mental harm.

In both cases we have a man of power using someone weaker, ignorant and dependent on them for their own goals - the Emperor's throne, the continued existence of the Cavalry. And Katchian and Yuder both had to learn fast, within a year - on how to adapt from a commoner background to the big league.

Of course, Kishiar's action's stem from a different place then Duke Diarca's, but I find it fascinating on what it could say, narratively, about those born into power and those without. And, admittedly, you could also kick off a discussion about consent btw kishiyu and the question whether 1st tl yuder - if we truly, fully take the situation at face value - could even consent to the kishiyu situationship. but also i think the fandom does not like to think about kishiyu power dynamics. which is sad. bc i think we should all think about sexual violence a little more.

so that's kinda what trias politica is gonna do instead. well mostly katchian's pov is gonna do that bc he's gonna project all his duke diarca issues onto kishiyu while yuder would like to Not Think About Any Of This.

[chronicexhaustion]

Yudrein and the gloves

[chronicexhaustion]

That one chapter where Kishiar visited Yuders house