WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self harm, eating disorders etc.. mentions of blood, swearing, smoking, smut [ dirty talk, oral; giving and receiving, choking, spanking, praising, degradation, pet names, sometimes Minho is a dick :)
SUMMARY: "Do you remember what you told me the first time we met?"
"What?"
"You said; Always leave people a little better than you found them" he looked at the floor with a small smile for a few seconds and then his eyes found mine. "You really annoyed me when we first met. I envied your optimism and excitement for life. But each time I saw you, I felt a certain thrill. You made me angry, you made me laugh., you made me feel everything. Something about you made me feel a little more alive each time. I know I fucked up and I know I'm an asshole but I'm also brutally in love with you."
Chapters:
[the GIF is not mine]
1 year ago.
Tonight the night breeze feels more gentle than ever, even though it's freezing outside. Maybe it was to
[The GIF is not mine ]
The urge to just ball my eyes out right this second is stronger than my desire to live, honestly. I stare at my lapt
I woke up with one of the worst headaches I've ever had. The events of last night a bit blurry in my head. I groan and search under the cove
PAIRING: Lee Know! X fem!reader
GENRE(S): college au, smut, angst
WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self harm, eating
PAIRING: Lee Know! X fem!reader
GENRE(S): college au, smut, angst
WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self harm, eating
PAIRING: Lee Know! X fem!reader
GENRE(S): college au, smut, angst
WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self harm, eating
PAIRING: Lee Know! X fem!reader
GENRE(S): college au, smut, angst
WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self harm, eating
PAIRING: Lee Know! X fem!reader
GENRE(S): college au, smut, angst
WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self-harm, eating
PAIRING: Lee Know! X fem!reader
GENRE(S): college au, smut, angst
WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self-harm, eating
PAIRING: Lee Know! X fem!reader
GENRE(S): college au, smut, angst
WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self-harm, eating
WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self harm, eating disorders etc.. mentions of blood, swearing, smoking, smut [ dirty talk, oral; giving and receiving, choking, spanking, praising, degradation, pet names, sometimes Minho is a dick :)
SUMMARY: "Do you remember what you told me the first time we met?"
"What?"
"You said; Always leave people a little better than you found them" he looked at the floor with a small smile for a few seconds and then his eyes found mine. "You really annoyed me when we first met. I envied your optimism and excitement for life. But each time I saw you, I felt a certain thrill. You made me angry, you made me laugh., you made me feel everything. Something about you made me feel a little more alive each time. I know I fucked up and I know I'm an asshole but I'm also brutally in love with you."
Author’s note: I didn't really have any time to edit this but I wanted to post it anyway <3 SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER !!!!!!!
I love Christmas. Ever since I was a kid Christmas meant the world to me and my mom, and under any circumstances, she made sure I had the best time every year. It does feel a little weird that she's not here with me, but looking around the living room, filled with all the people I adore, I feel like I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Everyone is here. Changbin, Jisung, Jeongin, and Seungmin came late in the afternoon just as we had finished setting everything up. Felix and Emma cooked a variety of different foods and sweets, nothing too fancy but enough for a warm and cozy Christmas get-together between friends, while, Hyunjin, Chan, and I decorated the place by lighting up the fireplace, hanging a bunch of Christmas lights around the house, and doing everything that we could do in order to shower the house with the best Christmas vibe.
We are all hanging in the living room, drinking and enjoying the food while low Christmas music plays in the background. We talked and laughed, and when the games started I found myself laughing like I haven't had in a long time, and it made me realize that if I got lucky in one thing it's meeting these people. Sitting here, spread across the living, on the floor and couches like we have no problems or responsibilities, like our lives are sweet and easy, simply enjoying each other's company, this is more than enough for me.
He came late. He came after we had 4 bottles of wine, after many rounds of games, and after half of the food was gone. He entered the room and I was unable to focus on anything else, cause in my eyes he shined brighter than the Christmas lights around us. He wore a smile that didn't reach his eyes and gave an excuse for being late that I didn't bother listen, my eyes still taking him in. It's impossible not to notice the difference, something was up and I could tell just by looking at him. He greeted everyone, faking laughs and jokes before sitting down next to Jisung. Everyone went back to the previous conversation but my eyes stayed glued to him from my sitting position on the floor, noticing how his face dropped when the attention was taken off of him. His hands reached for the half-empty bottle of whiskey, purring himself a generous amount before leaning back on the couch. Jisung smiles, talking with the rest of them but I caught the way his hand touched Minho's, silently and gently.
The whole time, it felt like he was just watching us not really getting involved in any conversation, not really playing in any of the games, and barely interacting with anyone unless they talked to him first. He doesn't sing or dance when the karaoke battles begin, he just sits there, observing. His eyes are on me almost all of the time, not in any specific way, with no hint of anything behind them, he just looks at me as if he's watching a movie.
I, on the other hand, am having fun. This feeling that comes with the company of these people, resembles the one of having a family, which I never really got to experience, not thoroughly at least. It feels nice and I'm happy. I allow myself for once to not let my thoughts drown me and lead me into a place of guilt and self-hatred, a place I visit quite often during holidays and any time that's considered 'family time'. It hurts to replay the very few memories I have of the time when my family was happily together, when my dad wasn't an alcoholic or abusive, and when my brother was alive. Days like these always hurt a little more but tonight I feel a little lighter. I drink and I dance and I laugh fully aware that he's watching my every move. I don't care though cause all I care about right now is having fun with my friends.
As much as I try not to pay attention, my mind is racing, going through all the possible things that could be going through his head right now and all the possible reasons he looks so out of it. One of the things that's giving away that something is up is the fact that Jisung has been glued to his side the whole night. As he talks and drinks like all of us, his mind is still on Minho, making sure he's staying close to him or touching him in some way. Not that Minho acts any different, clinging to his side as well. If Jisung moves, his moves, if Jisung talks he talks. The amount of whiskey that he's been drinking didn't go unnoticed by me as well, drowning glass after glass, like it's water. I've been holding myself back the whole night, choosing to have fun instead of dedicating yet another night with my friends to chasing Minho around. But, I can't stop myself. Not when he's looking at me like that every chance he gets, his eyes silently begging me, pulling me in.
I lift myself off the ground, as the fighting between Changbin and Hyunjin about who won the last game continues. I feel Felix's hand touching mine, from his seating position.
"Where are you going?" He asks.
"Just getting some water, you want anything from the kitchen?"
"Oh, no, I'm okay." He lets me go.
His eyes are on me again, following me as I circle the couch to go to the kitchen. He's sitting in the corner of the couch, his hand with the glass of whiskey tight between his fingers, resting against the arm of the couch. As I'm walking past him, I let my fingers brush against his arm, in a smooth way, just for a few seconds before walking into the kitchen.
I leaned into the counter, my hands crossed in front of my chest, waiting and anxiously biting the nail of my thumb. Precisely 23 seconds later, he walks into the kitchen. He moves slowly, hands in his pocket and head hanging low. He stops a few feet away from me and lifts his eyes to meet mine.
I lower my hand from my mouth, my heart tightening at the way he looks at me. "What's wrong?" I dare to whisper and it's like my words break something inside him.
His shoulders fall, the muscles in his jaw tightening. "One of your hugs would be good right now."
I open my arms immediately, not thinking about anything, or anyone else. He takes 3 big steps and throws his body on mine, burning his face in my neck and holding my waist like I'm gonna disappear. I close my arms around him, holding him like never before, and I feel my own body relax. This weird comfort that comes along with his touch shocks me every time, the feeling of familiarity and warmth that makes me feel safe is something that I've only ever felt with him. He doesn't say a word, he just breaths hard and we stay like that for some time, holding each other, my body leaning against the counter with his leaning down on me. This feels like a level of intimacy that we hadn't reached yet, much deeper than any kiss of touch we've shared only cause it feels so raw and open, something he rarely is with me.
"Minho... " I say his name with hesitation, and I feel his body twitch.
"I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry about everything." He mumbles, his face still deep into my neck.
"What are you talking about?" I try to pull back a bit, try to see his face.
He looks up, his eyes red and watery. "I'm trying.." He whispers so brokenly that I feel my own emotions building.
"It's okay.." I touch the sides of his face, feeling his jaw clenching and unclenching. I don't know what to say or do, I don't know how to act cause this is the first time I've seen him like this.
"I'm trying to be better, I'm trying to be good. A good friend, a good person, a good brother but I just keep fucking up. I can't control it, it's like I'm made to destroy anything good that comes into my life and for a long time I was okay with that, I was okay with being that version of myself cause all I had was myself." He speaks as if he was desperately holding the words inside for ages. "I have people I care about now," He looks me in the eyes. "People I wanna keep and I keep messing up." He stops, sucking in a breath. "You're important to me, you've been important to me since the night I met you and that's exactly why I didn't want you around me. People like me don't fit with people like you."
I feel my own breath shaking, my eyes searching his. "D-don't say that." My hands slowly drop from his face. It hurts that he thinks so highly of me, cause he shouldn't.
"It's true." He nods several times. "But, baby you're light. My everything is attracted to you in a way I can't explain. "
"So you care?" I let some of the excitement his words awoke inside me show on my face.
"Yes, I care." He rolls his eyes.
"Well, telling your sister that we're just friends when a few minutes before that you had me coming all over your fingers, is a really shitty way to show that you care." I joke even though it still hurts. It's scary to me how fast he switched, the way he looked at me, the way he spoke, it was like he was a different person.
His eyes squint, inhaling sharply through his teeth. "That was not one of my finest moments, I must admit."
"Why did you do it then?" I can't stop myself from asking.
He stares at me, his face for once visibly vulnerable. "Cause I got scared." He says. "Cause suddenly you got too close to the real me and I got scared." It's almost like it hurts him to say the words, the truth.
"You don't have to hide from me Minho," I reply just as honestly. "I want you, all of you. I''ve been trying to get you to let me in since day one but every time it feels like I take one step forward and then three steps back."
"I know," His lips form a tight line. "I know and it's my fault but I can't stay away from you." My heart jumps a little at his words. "I'm fucked up and I don't know how to act around you but I simply can't stay away from you."
Our foreheads lock, his hands cupping my jaw and I don't breathe, I forget how to. "Then don't." My words make his eyes snap. " If you stay, I'll stay and If you try, I'll try but I'm not running after you. If you're not ready, I'll be your friend until you are, cause I'm not giving myself away to someone that's holding back from doing the same. "
The corner of his mouth lifts slightly. "My friend? "
"Obviously you can't handle me as more than that so...." I shrug, as his hands slide down from my face and rest on my hipbones lazily.
"Trust me," His voice drops just like his head. "I can handle you extremely well." And just like that the spark in my stomach lights up. A word of his, a look, a simple touch, and my body begins heating up.
"That's not a very friendly thing to say." I tease ignoring the way his nose brushes against my neck, his lips barely touching my skin.
He chuckles, sending vibrations down my body. "Well, I wanna bend you over the counter and make you scream my name as you come around my dick, in the friendliest way possible."
I seel my lips together suppressing a moan as I stare at him through my lashes, the heat in my belly growing along with his smile.
"Let's go back, we've been gone for a while." I clear my throat, giving him a light push backwards.
His laugh fills the room as he bounces next to me with a cocky smile. "So we're friends?" He says the word like it's a joke.
"Friends." I nod, swallowing hard. And even though I know that it's the right thing to say, the more I look at him the more it feels like a mistake.
He crosses his arms against his chest. "Thank you for listening to me."
"Of course." I nod, offering a sweet smile. I could listen to him talk for hours, almost as many hours as I could sit in absolute silence simply enjoying the sight of him.
He glances at me from head to toe, capturing his bottom lip between his teeth.
"Let's go." I make the first move, pushing myself off the counter and walking towards the exit of the kitchen. I hear him walking behind me and then I feel a short yet sharp slap against my ass, making me halt my steps.
He walks past me, with his hands lifted apologetically and a devilish grin. "Sorry, bestie." And then enters the living room going straight to his previous spot on the couch.
Everyone is still so heavily invested in the game to notice how flushed my face is as I also return to my spot on the floor next to Felix.
. . . .
I wanted to play tough, I really did. 'Let's stay friends' I said and actually regretted it the second the words came out of my mouth, and as time went by I regretted it even more.
Bro, his eyes. His eyes are on me from his seat next to Jisung the whole time along with a small smile, the type of smile that makes my toes curl. I try, so hard, not to look his way not to let his devilish glances get to me but turns out I'm not tough at all, actually, I'm soft as a fucking marshmallow when it comes to Lee Minho. Approximately 47 minutes have passed and I'm boiling, trying to contain myself as the fun continues. Everyone is almost drunk, the food and sweets have been absolutely devoured and we've played every single game in the book. This has to be my favorite Christmas in a long time cause I've always been a sucker for simple things, just me and my friends in a room full of beautiful Christmas decorations having the best time, that's all I need. Well, that and Minho pinning me against the wall and slamming his dick-
Nope. No.
Sefl control. That's what I need. And maybe some holy water.
"I must say this is an excellent way to spend Christmas." Chan looks around with a gentle smile. "I really love having everyone here, together."
"It does feel nice." Jisung agrees. "It feels almost like a family." His tone is slightly sad, his big eyes taking in the sight of us.
"Speaking of that," Chan clears his throat, his body straightening. "I have something to say."
"Oh no." Emma's face drops but Chan's quick to ensure her.
"It's nothing bad, quite the opposite actually."
The way Felix straightens his posture as well, and how his face turns suddenly serious catches my attention.
"I-I'm-" He stutters. "So, our school is planning a music competition in which the winner will be signed to a music label."
"That's perfect!" I squeal, clapping my hands together.
"The thing is that the company that our school is working with this year is JYP Entertainment."
I feel my shoulders slowly dropping, my reaction the complete opposite of the reaction the rest of them have.
"JYP?" Changbin lifts his brows.
"JYP as THE JYP that's one of the top 5 companies in the Kpop industry?" Jisung expression is shocked.
"Yep," He scratches the back of his head.
"Oh, my god. That's huge!" Jeongin can't contain his excitement.
Chan meets my eyes. "It is, besides the fact that JYP and team Wang are besties."
It takes a few seconds for everyone to connect the dots and then a loud group groan fills the room.
"Well, that doesn't necessarily mean that Jackson will get the spot." Emma tries to be positive, as always.
"No," Chan agrees with her. "And that's why in order to compete and win we have to be the best that we can be."
"We are already pretty good." Seungmin says.
"Musicly yeah, but considering that JYP is a Kpop company our stage presence is lacking." He explains. "And that's why I thought it would be a great idea to change things up a bit."
"What do you mean?" Minho's eyes narrow questionably.
Chan's visibly struggling, trying to find the right words, clearly unsure of what he's about to say and if it is even right or needs to be said but he speaks up anyway. "I was thinking,"
"WE were thinking," Changbin speaks up, directing everyone's attention to him.
"Yes, we were thinking of adding a few new members to the group, specifically people that can help us have a better stage presence, uhm dance-wise." He hesitantly says and my mind catches up immediately.
Everyone goes silent, probably starting to catch up as well.
"We think that Hyunjin and Felix would be a great addition to the team." Changbing finally says it, knowing that Chan will go in circles for a few more minutes.
Silence. Hyunjin and Felix are exchanging looks.
"Besides the fact that they're amazing performers, we were playing around one day at the studio, and turns out their vocals are pretty good." Changbin goes on.
"And also Felix's voice is incredibly unique, I think it will be a perfect fit for us." Chan adds.
Still, everyone stays silent, looking around at each other, thinking.
"Well, I like the idea." Surprisingly Minho is the first to speak up. "I feel like Hyunjin, Felix, and I will make a good dancing team."
"And I think that Felix's voice will be great to have in our songs, it will for sure be our signature thing," Jisung adds.
Their words make Chan's shoulder visibly relax, his face lighting up.
"We completely understand if you don't want us to join, It's what you've been working on for so long and we don't wanna invade," Hyunjin says looking at the guys that still haven't said a word.
"No," Jisung says. "We've known you guys for a month and a half and I think we can all agree that we feel like we've known you for ages. If you can contribute to the team and help us win then I'm more than happy to have you along with us in this journey."
It warms my heart to see everyone bonding and growing closer and closer together.
"Same." Jeongin nods. "Besides, every time we recorded something, it always felt like something was missed or that it needed something more."
"Exactly and I trust Chan," Seungmin smiles. "If he says that it's a good idea then we'll give it a shot."
"Great, " Chan's smile is bright as he claps his hands together, happy that everyone is on the same boat. "Well," He laughs awkwardly. "Welcome to the family." He turns to Hyunjin and Felix, who just smile.
"Yay!" I wrap my arms around Felix's shoulders, feeling him giggle.
"Shots to celebrate!" Emma yells and everyone joins in screaming and laughing.
. . . . . . . . . . .
Emma asked several times if I was okay with her spending the night with Seungmin and even though I assured her that I was perfectly fine with it she still looked at me like a mother leaving her 10-year-old daughter home alone for date night.
For some reason, all of them treated me that way. Chan asked me over 10 times if I wanted to stay here for the night, Hyunjin and Felix kept offering to go for drinks just the three of us when everybody left and Minho, well Minho couldn't stomach the fact that I didn't want him to drive me home.
My phone vibrated for the second time since I started walking back home.
"You can still change your mind you know." He singsongs in my ear.
"Nope." I stand my ground, happy that he can't see the smile that's forming on my lips at how persistent he is. How I secretly hoped he would be and how I secretly love it.
He groans playfully. "Stop being stubborn."
"Me protecting myself from inevitable heartbreak isn't stubbornness." I fumble with my keys, balancing the phone between my ear and shoulder. I open the door and walk into the elevator.
"You're afraid that I'm gonna break your heart?" I can picture the smirk on his face without even trying. I think that we both know the answer to that question. It's always one that gets hurt, the one that gets completely and utterly heartbroken to the point that being in love ever again seems like torture. And I know that it's gonna be me. I already feel my heart breaking little by little every time something happens and I know that at this point it's inevitable.
"I know you are." I smile at the ground as the elevator doors open reaching the third floor in a few seconds.
A throat-clearing noise makes my eyes snap upwards. My feet freeze.
He smiles, his body leaning against the wall next to my door. He keeps his phone pressed to his ear as he answers. "I think heartbreak is poetic."
Silence, the dangling keys in my hands being the only sound filling the empty hallway.
"Heartbreak is tragic and painful." I hand up and he does the same.
"Yeah but worth it." He looks at me through his lashes, head hanging low with his arms crossed.
He looks soft. Softer than usual. Calm. "Some of them."
His half smile widens. "For me, it will be worth it when you break my heart."
There it is. The knot in my stomach, the tightness in my chest, his words can make me a mess in seconds.
I walk slowly, standing in front of him. "What are you doing here? How-" I chose not to comment on what he said.
"I drove." He offers me a tight smile.
I stare at him, my expression straight and playfully serious.
Instead of answering he digs into his pocket, pulling out the set of keys I've given Chan.
"That's creepy, you know that right?"
He bursts into a deep chuckle, his hand messing with his hair. "It's still Christmas and I don't want you to spend it alone."
I swallow hard.
"Minho," I say unlocking the door. "we argued on some boundaries."
"It's okay, I won't stay long." He pushes past me, entering the house before I do, already taking off his shoes.
I can't do anything other than shake my head at him, warmth creeping in. I close the door behind me, dropping my stuff on the small table next to the door. He takes in the space for a few seconds before settling on the couch and It hits me that this is the first time that he hasn't burst through the door to yell at me. I take my shoes off as well, suddenly nervous, and walk further into the small kitchen.
"I'm fine with being alone," I say, pulling out two glasses. "Water?"
"Wine?" He crosses his legs and leans back on the couch, which suddenly looks smaller than usual.
I hold his gaze only for a few seconds, the tension in the air thick. "Sure." I swallow.
I set a bottle of red wine we had in the fridge and two glasses on the coffee table, before sitting down in the small space he's left for me next to him.
"Minho what are you doing here?" I turn to face him, popping my arm against the back of the couch and resting my head against my palm.
"I was driving home," He reaches for the bottle, opening it effortlessly. "And all I could think about is how beautiful you looked today. How you were genuinely laughing at everything Changbin did or said and how you ran your hands nervously through your hair every time it was your turn to play. I noticed that the only thing you ate was the chocolate-covered strawberries so it got me thinking that it's probably your favorite fruit and then I realized that; I don't know what your favorite book is." He fills my glass with a generous amount of the red liquid, before moving on to his. "Or your favorite movie. I don't know if you like your coffee cold or warm, I don't know if you sleep with a small light on or you like it completely dark. I know nothing about your mom or how you grew up to be this incredible human that you are."
I take the glass between my fingers. "I'm not incredible," I mumble. "Far from it actually."
He looks at me, his face open and relaxed. "You're the most incredible person I know."
My chest sparks with pain, it tightens. "It's because you don't know me well."
"I want to," He leans in, speaking with no hesitation. "I wanna know everything about you."
I can't hold his gaze for more than a few seconds, cause the more I look at him the more I wanna let the words pour out of my mouth and allow him to read me like an open book. Unravel all the damage and darkness that I kept hidden, and lay everything on the table for him to see. I want him to know me, but a part of me is still afraid, still scared to let him this close.
"This picture that you have in your mind, this idea of me is far from who I really am."
His eyes take me in. "And who are you really?"
I take a deep breath, my mind searching for the right words but can't seem to find them, cause there are no right words, there's no right answer to his question, only the truth. "I don't know who I really am," I whisper. "But I know that I'm not incredible. I'm not someone you should think so highly of, I'm not someone who deserves to be so kindly treated and loved by so many. I'm a liar and I'm damaged to the point of no return and even if I try to show the opposite, I know me."
His face darkens and his wine is gone, with lips tight and a low voice he asks, "Who made you think like that about yourself?"
"I did." I answer with a sad smile. "A long time ago."
His hand reaches forward, tugging a piece of my hair behind my ear, his touch so soft and gentle that I bearly felt it. "I wanna know." His eyes, so big and bright, searching mine desperately and making my heart scream, scream in protest, going against my head, begging to be heard, to be seen and understood. "There's not one thing that you can say to me that will make you look less than the angel you are in my eyes."
I scoff laughingly at his ignorant words. "We'll need more wine then." I drown my glass in a second before holding it in front of me.
He pours me some more. "How's your mom like?"
I love this question, so much that I could answer it a million times.
"My mom is the most amazing person I know," I smile. "She's warm and sensitive. She has this bright smile," I move my hand over my mouth. "that can literally light up the whole fucking room. That's my first memory actually; her smile. Everything about her is soft; her touch, her hair, the way she speaks and treats others, It's fascinating to see someone like her exist and go through life but at the same time it makes me sad to think how someone like her got treated so poorly by everyone around her, how hard everything was for her, and how broken she actually is."
His face softens, his smile small. "You seem to love her a lot."
"I adore her. She means the world to me." I wet my lips with some wine. "And even though I know that the feeling is mutual, if I was her I wouldn't love me."
His perfect eyebrows come together. "Why?"
I move the wine around the glass, memories, and flashbacks clouding my mind.
"My father was the complete opposite of my mother. He was cold and distant, always giving us the bare minimum when it came to fatherly love. He was always working or doing stuff alone. Jogging, reading, cooking, he always preferred to be alone." I pause, suddenly aware that I have his full attention, and take a few more sips. "It was after his mom's passing that everything changed. He began drinking and experimenting with drugs."
The change in his expression is visible, his sharp inhale barely audible.
"I think you know how that goes, so I will not get into the details." I force a low laugh.
"Yeah, please don't." His eyes dark, sad almost. He takes my hand in his, examining my fingers as if it's his first time seeing them, and then starts to play around with them.
"I never liked my father, " I continue, my focus still on how he plays around with our hands. "And as I grew older and things kept getting worse and worse, I started to hate my mom for it," I admit for the first time out loud. "I couldn't understand why she wouldn't leave him, why she wouldn't choose us over him."
"Us?" He questions, his voice careful and quiet.
My chest feels like a hundred pounds yet warm at the same time as I say the words. "I had a brother."
I noticed the way his gaze faltered, and his hand stopped moving over mine.
"His name was Jax," I try to appear lighter than I feel. "You would have liked him. He was a year younger than me and we were quite inseparable. He was everything I wasn't and I was everything he wasn't, in a way that we made the perfect pair. He was strong and incredibly smart, always there to do the right thing or say the right thing. He was full of energy, super active and athletic and I was well, the opposite." I laugh.
"Let me guess," He mused with a light smirk on his full lips. "You were a troublemaker, quick to break any rule, extremely fun and hyperactive yet most people would refer to you as closed off and quiet. You were the type of girl that was seeking adrenaline through the pages of books or the scenes and dialogues of old movies, chasing that rush that real life couldn't offer you, the type of rush that made your heart beat faster and your mind travel far away. You were ambitious but always thought that you were not smart enough to follow your dreams that seemed bigger than those of the people surrounding you yet deep down you always knew that you were meant for more."
My mouth hangs open, his words leaving me speechless. My heart full, my mind a mess. "You're by far the most annoying person I've ever met you know that?"
He looks rather amused. "Is that why you're blushing?"
I turn my head to the side, burying my mouth into the small glass. "I'm not, shut up."
"You are but I'll let it slide, please continue." He motions with his hand.
The atmosphere is lighter yet the air inside my lungs is still tight. "It was Christmas actually, We came back from a family dinner at my aunts' house that was of course a disaster. My dad was completely wasted per usual, and I remember them fighting so hard in the car that Jax had to put his headphones over my ears because I almost started crying, I was 14 and he was 13. My dad had this weird thing about driving, he loved driving, and despite how much he would drink or what drugs he would take he would always go on those late-night drives. It helped him clear his head in a way. At times he would ask us to come with and back then we would take anything that we could get from him, any type of love and affection. But things had gotten a lot worse, my father was abusive always drunk and high to the point that both of us were so afraid of him."
This is the first time I'm telling this story out loud, the first time I'm being completely honest about what happened. Even Chan doesn't know the whole truth. I pause, and Minho is quick to notice my discomfort. I curl into a ball, my knees close to my chest as if that would make me feel any less exposed.
"It's okay." His hand touches my knee. He feels so different tonight like something changed between us, something about him is softer.
"My mom was upstairs, locked in her room. I was screaming, begging him to let me go, telling him that I didn't want to go with him, that I was scared." I feel my throat get tight. "He wouldn't listen, he was pulling me, his hands digging into my skin. He had never hurt me that much before. " I feel shivers down my back, the memory still an open wound. "Something about that night felt different. The way he was acting, I'd never seen him like that and it scared me. I knew that something was wrong."
"He said-" I stop, the lump in my throat growing. "He said that if I didn't go with him, he would take Jax instead and he wouldn't come back." The words rip out of my throat. "My screams must have been way too loud 'cause Jax came running down the stairs, my mom still nowhere to be seen. Jax was always so protective of me, always ready to take the punches for me and this time was no different. It took one look, he saw my face and he stepped forward immediately, insisting on taking him instead. My father looked at me, but I was frozen, completely consumed by fear, my body still hurting and all I wanted to do was disappear." I met his eyes for the first time since I started talking. "I didn't say anything. I let the fear speak instead and I let him take him." My tears stared silently making their way down my cheeks.
His hand found the side of my face, his thumb brushing the wetness of my skin. "Baby-"
"The call came early in the morning," I sniff. "They found the car crashed against a tree a few minutes away from the house, both of them dead."
I break down, his hands are around me in a second. "I let him take him, I gave him away even though I knew." I sob silently, my hands gripping his shirt. "I was supposed to protect him, it was my fault-"
"Hey," He pulls back, holding my face between his hands. His eyes, narrowing, roaming all over my face. "Don't say shit like that." I try to pull away, shame showering me. "Look at me," His tone demanding, low and sharp yet his face soft and gentle. "You were a child. You were both children with parents who failed to protect you, there's no way you could have possibly known what would happen. Please baby don't- don't do that to yourself."
"The look on my mother's face," I shake my head. " I can never get that out of my head. I was crying for days, begging her for forgiveness and she would whisper that it wasn't my fault, that it was hers but I could never escape the guilt."
He leans back taking me with him, my head against his chest and his hands playing with my hair. I let the sound of his heart calm me down, burying myself deeper into his arms, and as the seconds go by I find myself thinking that I could get used to this. This feeling of safety, the warmth of his body, the way his breath tickles the side of my head, and the way his fingers toy with my hair, brushing my skin occasionally. It feels addictive and powerful, yet peaceful and softer than anything I've ever felt.
After a few minutes, I find the strength to continue. "I couldn't face her. I became such a difficult kid, I shut her out and turned to things like partying and drinking to cope. We rarely spoke about it, every time she would try to talk to me I would turn her down. I was selfish and such a brat, all I cared about was myself and my own grief, my own guilt, and my own mistakes. My mother was strong enough, she went through her grief by herself and came out stronger. She started working again and she fell in love again. She moved on, and that was something I couldn't do, I still can't."
I pull myself away from his arms, sitting up straight. "I was going down the wrong path, I was losing myself day by day and my mother didn't know what to do. " A small smile creeps into my lips. "And then I met Chan. First day of college, he was the first person that spoke to me and somehow he forced himself into my life without me even realizing it. We became one, we were inseparable to the point that he went everywhere with me. He became close to my mom and the rest of my family in no time. Since his parents were not supportive at all of his dreams he knew that the minute he decided to give up law school for music he would be on his own and I tried everything I could to convince him to do it. When he did, both my mom and I felt this sort of responsibility or you could say protectiveness over him." My smile grows. "My mom says he reminds her a lot of Jax and it's true, he is a lot like him. Chan saved me, in every way. I wouldn't be here without him. He might say the opposite but it's not true, and I hope he knows that."
He sighs, looking at me with the softest smile I've ever seen him wear. "People save people."
"I hate always being the one getting saved." I whisper.
His eyes stare into mine. "You're not, you're saving a lot of people without realizing."
I doubt that.
Silence falls between us, a few moments that our eyes speak words our mouths can't and we stay like that looking at each other. I take everything in, everything about him, everything that he has become to me in such a short period of time and I know that despite everything he's done, none has made me feel the way he does. I'm attracted to him in every possible way and no matter how hard I fight it, it keeps pulling me back in. The way he looks at me with those eyes, the way he touches me, the way he speaks, his existence as a whole brings me to my knees.
"Well," I sigh. "There it is." I break the silence. "And also I like my coffee hot and black with no sugar and it needs to be completely dark for me to be able to sleep."
His eyes light up, his whole face switching. "You're fucking incredible." He beams, leaning closer to me. He takes my jaw between his two fingers. "Please, don't put yourself down, what happened wasn't your fault and please trust me when I say that; you deserve the entire world."
I look deep into his eyes, his face inches away from mine, his breath my breath and I can't help but whisper. "I don't want the entire world."
He smirks, his hand finding the back of my neck making my stomach fill with excitement and then he kisses me.
WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self harm, eating disorders etc.. mentions of blood, swearing, smoking, smut [ dirty talk, oral; giving and receiving, choking, spanking, praising, degradation, pet names, sometimes Minho is a dick :)
SUMMARY: "Do you remember what you told me the first time we met?"
"What?"
"You said; Always leave people a little better than you found them" he looked at the floor with a small smile for a few seconds and then his eyes found mine. "You really annoyed me when we first met. I envied your optimism and excitement for life. But each time I saw you, I felt a certain thrill. You made me angry, you made me laugh., you made me feel everything. Something about you made me feel a little more alive each time. I know I fucked up and I know I'm an asshole but I'm also brutally in love with you."
Author’s note: I will for sure be editing this within the next few days so please excuse the mistakes, enjoy <333
My heart was drumming against my chest, the back of my neck and hands sweating as I held the bottom of my dress and ran. I ran like I'd never run in my entire life.
Hyunjin, out of breath as well, his face laced with panic and concern, extends a hand in front of me, blocking my way, just before we enter the living room, where the dance continues, like nothing has happened.
"What?" My head snaps to him.
"We can't draw any attention, we have to be discreet." He breathes out sharply.
I narrow my eyes at him, my mind way too consumed with panic to understand that he's right. "Hyunjin, I don't care about the stupid party. Where are they?"
I feel Minhos's fingers gently brush against my back, silently letting me know he's there. He stands behind me, his breathing hard as well but his panic is way more contained and controlled compared to mine and Hyunjin's.
"Did you tell Seungmin?" Minho leans closer to Hyunjin, his eyes searching the room and I do the same, finding Seungmin and Han talking in the corner of the room, their faces clouded as Seungmin presses his phone to his ear. Jeongin and Changbin are nowhere to be found.
"Yes, he has people looking into it." Hyunjin fixes his hair and adjusts his suit before walking calmly towards the door, Minho and I following.
The elevator ride felt like 2 hours instead of 15 seconds, and my legs wouldn't stop bouncing up and down. The minute the door opened, I was the first one out, running towards the exit of the building.
"Y/n, wait!" Minho yells my name, both of them running to catch up with me.
When I spot them, Chan leaning against his car and Felix seating in the back seat with the door open, my heart dropped.
"Oh, my god." I run to them, my choking words making their heads snap to us as we reach them.
"What the fuck happened?!" Minho says.
My hands instantly reach to touch Chan, while Hyunjin kneels in front of Felix taking in his injuries. Both of their faces are beaten up, with bruises and cuts everywhere, their hair tangled and their clothes messy like someone was trying to peel them off of them. I try to see how bad his beatings are, my fingers trying to lift his chin but he keeps his head down, blood coating his bottom lip.
"Chan.." I gasp, my eyes watering at the sight.
"I'm okay, I'm fine.." He mumbles the words that I've heard so many times before but know to never believe. I shake my head, wrapping my arms around his slumping shoulders, his forehead hitting my chest.
"That's not 'okay ' Chan..." Hyunjin spits, his eyes and hands all over Felix, who sits in silence, trying to control his breathing, his eyes blurry.
The sight of Chan hurt breaks my heart but the sight of Felix being hurt fills me with pure rage.
"Who did this?" Minho growls, his tone low, sending chills down my spine. He stands next to me, his arms glued to his side, his fingers curling into firsts. Chan lifts his head slowly, his eyes locking with Minho's and a silent conversation between them plays out for a few seconds, until Minho scoffs loudly, turning around. He buries his hands in his hair and starts pacing.
"I should have fucking killed him." He says under his breath.
I look between them confused. "What? What do you mean?"
I turn to Hyunjin, hoping for answers just as his face shifts from confused to pissed, his eyes narrowing and jaw locking. "Piece of shit."
It takes me a second, the wheels in my head turning, my mind catching up, realizing. And suddenly my heart drops even more. "It was Jackson, right?" The question leaves my trembling lips. I feel my body being showered with fear, fear like I've never felt before, and guilt. Jackson has put me in positions to be scared of him many times before but not like this, he's never gone that far. To hurt, physically hurt my friends in order to get to me is scary, the lengths that he's willing to go to and the things he will do.
"If it were only him, it wouldn't have been a problem." Felix's deep voice makes my head snaps his way.
"How many were they?"
"4." Chan answers Hyunjin, the back of his hand coming up to his bleeding nose.
"I-I don't understand.." I'm in shock. I don't know what to say or do besides hold my best friend between my arms.
"What don't you understand?" Minho's head snaps to me, his whole face burning with anger. "Like you didn't already know that your ex-boyfriend is a fucking piece of shit!" His eyes are cold yet his face is filled with rage.
"Minho." Chan says, warningly, probably feeling how his tone and words shook me a bit in his arms.
Minho stops pacing, now standing facing us with his hands on his hips. "He's a dead man. He's done."
"Okay, come down-" Chan starts but Minho cuts him off.
"Come down?" He says, with the straightest face ever. "Come down? You're asking me to calm down while your face and his," He points at Felix, still dangerously calm. "look light that." He states.
"Yes," Hyunjin's the one to answer. "You need to come down, 'cause it's your fault that they got in this mess in the first place." Hyunjin stands tall, his face hard staring at Minho.
"Hyunjin..." Felix reaches for his hand but Hyunjin pulls away sharply.
Minho's expression twitches a bit, clearly not expecting Hyunjin to say something like that. "I'm sorry that I stood up for her. " Minho takes a step towards him. "Someone had to."
I unwrap my hands from Chan, noticing the squint of Hyunjin's eyes and the tightness of his jaw.
"Stop talking like you're the only one that cares about her!" Hyunjin scoffs an angry laugh. "Cause you weren't there for her when shit went down." He takes a step as well, coming face to face with Minho's stone-cold expression. "I was." He points at his chest. "And Chan was, and Felix was!"
The frustration and anger in his voice is something that I haven't heard in a long, long time and it makes my legs move, now standing closer to them, my body alarmed by both of their radiating emotions. Chan's on his feet as well, looking carefully between his two friends.
"I never said that I'm the only one that cares." I can clearly tell that he's being careful with his words, holding himself back. "But he clearly deserved it."
Hyunjin clenches his jaw. "And what about them?" He motions towards Chan and Felix, his eyes not leaving Minho's. "Do you think that they deserved it too? Cause they paid the price for your reckless behavior. You care about her, don't you care about them?"
Minho's face flashes with emotion. "Of course I care, you know I do." His voice drops.
"Hyunjin, that's enough." Chan steps in, his protective instinct kicking in. Chan hates fighting and will do anything to avoid it, especially between friends.
Hyunjin however is not backing down, his emotions overtaking him. "Y/n told you to stay out of it, now she will have to clean your mess."
"Enough." Felix's voice booms, silencing all of us. His head hanging low, his expression unreadable. "Minho please just don't do anything."
Minhos's face visibly softens at Felix's pleading tone, hitting a nerve.
"There's no reason to fight." His focus turns to Hyunjin whose chest is still rising and falling. "We'll see how we're gonna deal with this later, we should just rest."
"Felix is right." I step in, touching Hyunjin's arm. Hyunjin tends to get really protective over his friends so his reaction is understandable. His eyes find mine, letting a heavy sigh. "Let's not fight, it's none's fault that Jackson's a dick. If anything it's mine, 'cause I was the one that dated him." I chuckle, trying to lift the heaviness of the atmosphere.
Hyunjin's head falls a little, nodding. "I know, I'm sorry." His hand rubs gently on my shoulder.
"Seungmin is looking into it. Let's just go home and talk about it tomorrow ." Chan sighs.
"You're coming with us." Felix states.
"What?" My brows come together.
"Why?" Minho steps forward, his head tilting with curiosity.
Felix's gaze moves between us before setting on Minho. "You never know. It's safer for her to stay with us, just for tonight."
Minho sighs, his shoulders visibly stiffening. "I hate this." He groans. "The fact that we have to act like this because of that motherfucker, like we're scared of him or something."
"I just don't understand why he would do something like this?" I whisper, questioning out loud. "It doesn't make sense, what's there to gain from beating you up? It would make sense to go after Minho, but why you two?"
My heart tightens the more I look at them, the heaviness in my consciousness growing. I hate this, this is my worst fear and the thing I was desperately trying to avoid; dragging people into my mess. I can't help but look at him, my eyes searching his for anything that they can offer me at this moment to make the pain in my chest a little less unbearable. He stares back, his eyes big and full with a handful of emotions, silently comforting me. And then he nods, a tiny move of his head. And that's all I need, weirdly enough.
"I spoke with Seungmin and the rest of the guys, letting them know that we're okay and I told Em to stay here tonight, so let's just go." Chan says, still looking at his phone, his fingers typing aggressively.
"Okay, fine." I move to get inside the car.
"No." Chan stops me. "Minho is driving you."
"Why?"
Minho rests his hands on his hips, his hair a perfect mess and his face expressionless still, staring between me and Chan. "I'm not gonna do anything stupid!" He lifts his hands in defense.
I shake my head with a small smile. "I'll babysit, don't worry. I'll see you at the frat."
"Excuse me?" He gives me a dirty look as I walk towards him.
"Let's go." I give him a small push on his shoulder, earning a series of laughs from behind me.
.
.
.
The air is suddenly cold against my skin, and everything slowly creeps in as we speed down the road. I try to somehow wrap my head around everything that's been happening but I can't. I can't really recall the last time everything was so messed up. I mean, I'm used to having a mess in my head but now that all this shit is actually happening I don't really know what to do or how to deal with all this. And even though fear is slowly taking over my head, even though I know that I have to find a way to fix everything all I can think about is him. Him, and how everything now is somehow about him. I hate to admit even to myself that he has concerned every piece of my mind and especially after tonight it will be impossible for me to stay away from him, no matter how he will treat me when the night is over. I just hope that somehow all this will be over when I close my eyes tonight, and when the daylight creeps into our lives things will be different. Simple.
"Y/n?" His voice snaps me out of my thoughts.
"Yeah?"
His eyes leave the road for a few seconds, scanning my face. "I said what are you thinking."
"Um," I mumble, my mind still lost in thought. "Just thinking."
"I hope you're thinking about me and not about that piece of shit."
I chuckle, turning to look at him.
"Do you want me to go and beat him up?... Again?" He adds.
"Do you have a death wish?" I shake my head.
"He does." His eyebrows go up, his eyes not leaving the road. He rests his back against the seat, one hand lazy holding the steering wheel while the other rests against his thigh and my fingers start toying with my dress, trying to keep themselves from touching it. His hand, his thigh...him.
His eyes catch me and a knowing smile grows on his lips. "I told you."
"What?"
"It's the 'Minho' effect."
I chuckle again, this time louder. "Shut up." I turn to look at him again and as tiny as his smile was I caught it. Not a smug or cocky smile, a true smile, soft and genuine.
He sighs, heavily, his teeth biting his bottom lip as he lets his head fall back against the seat. His free hand then moves from his thigh and gently takes mine, our fingers intertwining.
I stare down at our hands in my lap, fighting a grin that slowly fades into a heavy sigh of my own. "What are we gonna do?" I finally ask.
He doesn't answer, his jaw and grip on the wheel tightening.
"Minho, he's not okay." I look down at our hands again, feeling his thumb brushing against my skin, gently. "He's really spiteful and obsessive and he does things without caring about the consequences cause he never had to face them, thanks to his family. But he's mentally losing it, I can tell that he's not doing well. He's been struggling with these episodes and blackouts and anger issues his whole life. "
"Angel," He cuts me off, his face stone cold." I don't give a shit. He touched my friends. Hell, he touched you." He shakes his head. "He doesn't deserve pity. He had a shitty childhood, cool, tell him to join the fucking club along with the millions of other people that did as well." He spits. "And maybe see a therapist instead of beating up people.? Just saying." He lifts his shoulders.
"Well," I drag out. "You did beat him up too so... you're not handling your anger perfectly as well."
His eyes snap to mine, his face scarily expressionless. "Could you be just a little bit grateful for that, like damn?"
I tilt my head, wearing a soft smile at how this moment feels. "Thank you," I whisper, and mean it. " I appreciate what you did for me."
He looks at me, and I count the seconds his eyes study my face. Oh, how I love being looked at by him. He brings our intertwined hands to his lips, leaving a soft kiss on the back of mine. "There's not much that I wouldn't do for you angel."
Heat spreads across my face, my heart warm and beating faster at his words, and I can't say anything or do anything other than admire him as he continues to drive. I desperately wanna ask him about what this is, and what is it that he feels for me but the fear that I might ruin such a beautiful and rare moment for us stops me. So instead I seat back and let myself enjoy the car ride and the feeling of his hand in mine. It's then that I notice that the road we're taking is not the usual way to my apartment.
"Hold no, where are we going?" I look around curiously.
"I need to drop something off at a friend's house."
I narrow my eyes at him. "What friend?"
"Just a friend." He shrugs, not looking at me.
Here we go again. "Can we stop with the secrets?"
"Can't you just relax?" He snaps back. "There's no secret. I honestly just have to drop something off."
"Great, sure, just drag me along to your weed dropoffs, without telling me." I roll my eyes at him as he stops the car.
He takes his seat belt off and takes my chin between his fingers, forcing my eyes to his. "Cut the grumpy shit," He smirks and his eyes fall to my lips " It will take 10 seconds." And then he kisses me. It's short, only a few seconds, but enough to make my stomach fill with excitement. "Wait here."
He exits the car, his body moving so smoothly as he walks all the way to the front door of the house we parked in front of. I pull my phone out of my small purse, and send a quick text to Chan, letting him know that I'm gonna be a little late before deciding to scroll a little bit through Instagram, as I wait.
A light knock on my window makes me jump, almost causing me a heart attack. My eyes meet a young woman, with long dark hair and big brown eyes. She offers me an apologetic smile as I roll my window down.
"I'm so sorry," She immediately apologizes. "I didn't mean to scare you."
"No, it's okay" I brush her off. "do you need anything?"
"Oh, no, no. I just noticed Minho's car as I was coming home." She tugs a piece of her behind her ear.
The mention of his name shakes me but I try not to let my curiosity show, still I feel it eating me inside. "Um," I laugh awkwardly. "He's inside his friend's house but he'll be back any minute now. "
The girl looks behind her, at the house, and offers me a smile. "That's my house." She says.
"Oh," My stomach drops. "Um,excuse me but how do you know him?" I hesitantly ask, afraid of the answer.
Her smile grows. "Oh, I'm his sister."
I freeze, my eyes going wide."His sister?" Oh my god. "Mia right?"
"Yes." She giggles and I take her in once again, now noticing the little similarities. The big eyes, and bright smile.
"Oh, god." I open the car door, feeling the need to greet her properly. "Nice to meet you." I shake her hand. "I'm Y/n."
"I should have guessed that he got himself a girlfriend." She studies me. "That explains his sudden mood lift."
I blush. "Oh no, no, I'm not his-"
"Mia."
Both of our heads snap to the now open door, seeing Minho standing in the doorway. Our eyes meet and I can see his face hardening, his eyes moving between me and his sister. My blood runs cold at his expression, knowing what's coming.
"Min, hi." His sister warmly smiles at him.
But before he has a chance to say anything, a little kid appears, squeezing his way through Minho's legs slightly open legs. "Mommy!" He yells and runs towards us.
Mia drops to the floor. "Hi baby, come here." She takes the giggling, little boy in her arms, lifting him off the ground as I stand completely frozen next to them but not as frozen as Minho.
He's a statue. As still as I've ever seen him before and for once his face doesn't hold an inch of confidence. It holds something I've never seen from him; fear. Uncertainty and hesitance.
My eyes move from the woman and the child to him many times, my brain catching up. The scene that plays in front of me is the first hit, the first punch in the stomach.
"I met your girlfriend." Mia nods my way with the biggest smile, a smile that Minho doesn't return, instead, he flashes her a look.
"She's not my girlfriend." He says, and that was the second hit and most brutal one like it always is with him. His words cut like knives, and this time is no different. Actually this time, it hurts more.
My shoulders drop, my whole face unable to maintain a somewhat happily natural expression, as I stand without having anything to say.
"Oh." I feel his sister's eyes on me, and I don't have to look to know the sympathy that they hold.
"She's just a friend." He goes on, adding as if his previous words weren't enough, and the thought that he might be doing it on purpose crosses my mind. There's no way that he doesn't realize how much he's hurting me right now, but then again I feel like that's how we always end up.
"I dropped your things, " He points towards the door. "So we're just gonna go."
He walks up to his sister, planting a lazy kiss on the side of her head before ruffling the small boy's hair.
"Bye Uncle Minho." The boy says with the sweetest little smile.
Minho smiles back softly. "Bye, kiddo." And when he looks away from them, the softness is gone.
"Drive safely," Mia says back as she makes her way towards the door. "And Y/n, it was lovely meeting you."
I force myself to find my voice. "You too."
When the door closes, and we are alone, Minho makes a move my way, a step with his hand lifted, yet his eyes are looking anywhere but mine. I take a step back, my chest heavier by the second, the look on his face and his words awakening anger and pain inside me.
"Just get in the car." His gaze meets mine, and I see nothing. His eyes, blank and hard.
I shake my head, arms crossed. "Fuck you." I scoff.
I walk past him, my feet moving fast wanting nothing but to get as far away from his as possible.
"Y/n!" He yells my name but not in a way that will make me stop, not in the way I want him to. I feel his grip on my elbow before he spins me around to face him.
I push at his chest with all the force I can master. "Don't fucking touch me."
"Just get in the car, I'll explain-"
"No," I cut him off. "There's nothing to explain. I'm tired." I let my arms drop and slam against the side of my thighs. "I'm tired of your games, I'm tired of going back and forth and I'm tired of your lies."
"I've never lied to you." His face and voice drop. "I've always been real with you. I just-"
"Just what?" I say drowning in frustration. "Just wanna use me when you can and when we're around others to treat me like shit?" My fear of looking pathetic doesn't stop me cause right now I don't care if he realizes just how much I want him, all I care about is the fact that he doesn't want me in the same way.
"A friend?" I get into his face but he doesn't move he simply clenches his jaw, his eyes hardening. "My breath was yours the minute I laid eyes on you?" I quote his words from earlier that made my heart melt, in the most mocking way I can. "Yeah, I'm guessing we're really good friends huh?" I push at his chest again. Right now I'm seeing red, feeling pure rage at how hurt I allowed myself to get by him once again.
His face turns to the right, the back of his index finger brushing the tip of his nose as his tongue pokes the inside of his mouth repeatably. He bounces back, nevertheless, coming back in my face.
"If you could just let me explain for a second and stop being so fucking aggressive-"
"I don't wanna hear anything from you." I laugh.
"I don't give a fuck what you want." He spits back.
"Clearly! And that's the problem."
His head falls back. "You're overreacting."
My eyes narrow, hands curling into fists in front of my face. "Dude, are you being serious right now?!" My hands bury themselves in my hair as a frustrated laugh escapes me. "I can't do this, I really can't."
His palms come together, touching his mouth and nose, and closes his eyes, a visible effort to contain his anger. "Y/n, please listen to me."
"I don't want to. " I shake my head. "I wanna go home, I don't wanna be around you anymore, I can't even look at you right now. Actually, I don't feel like being around ever again. " I say, knowing it's a lie, yet the words leave my mouth, my anger leading them.
His shoulders drop. "You don't mean that."
"I do." I spit, my eyes watering. "You hurt me! It's all you ever do! You give me a moment of happiness, a few beautiful words and then you rip me apart."
I do gain a small amount of satisfaction from the way his face shifts, how his eyes are getting glossy and moving everywhere around my face, desperately.
"Baby-" He reaches for me but I hold my hands up, stopping him. The nickname hurts.
I'm unable to stop the tears now, my throat tight. "I'm leaving. I'm walking home and don't you dare follow me. For once, respect me and listen."
I don't look at him before I turn around to grab my stuff from his car, cause I know that the sight will be painful enough to make me stay, to let him explain and sweet-talk his way through me but I'm done getting hurt. I walk away from him and he does nothing to stop me.
I walk and I walk, letting the tears fall in silence, coating my face and neck. I welcome the pain and the feeling of losing him again as if he was ever mine to begin with and allow myself to cry for him just for a little while. The thing that hurts the most is that; I knew. I know Minho, I know how complicated he is, and how he goes back and forth with his emotions yet I still let myself fall. I like him. God, I want him so much it hurts but how long will I allow myself to be there for someone who hasn't figured out what they want?
A car slowly stops next to me as I keep walking.
Hyunjin's eyes meet mine, and he reaches over to the passenger's seat to open the door. "Get in."
I do without thinking about it.
"How did you find me?" I cross my arms, aware that my face is still wet from the tears so I keep my head low.
He glances at me swiftly as he drives, his face more clouded than ever before. "He called me and told me that you left and that you're walking back home. So I checked your location and came."
We stop at a red light, and his heavy sight fills the air.
"Did you tell Chan?" I mumble.
"No." He turns to me, but I don't lift my eyes, I keep them glued to my knees, tears still escaping the corners of them, silently. "You know that he would kill him, especially if he found out how hard you're crying over him right now." He brushes the side of my hair away from my face, tugging them behind my ear. I must look like a fucking panda right now, and a new wave of tears almost reaches me over the hours I spend doing my makeup just for him to ruin it within a few minutes.
I rub my cheeks with my palms, brushing the tears off, and take a breath. "I'm sorry."
"I hate seeing you cry." He says under his breath. "And maybe I should tell Chan, just to see Minho get a good beating."
"Hyunjin!"
"What?" He lifts his shoulders, hands still on the wheel. "He deserves it. Look, Minho is my friend and I obviously love the guy but I'm done watching you get heartbroken over dudes that don't deserve you."
"Maybe I'm the problem." I whisper but he catches it.
"Don't say that." He answers sharply. "Please don't say that. I can't stand the fact that he's making you think this way about yourself."
I wish I could see myself the way my friends see me, but I can't. Cause in my eyes, I'm always the problem. In my eyes, I'm never enough and I'm always at fault. And deep down I know that the only reason why everyone sees me as someone that deserves their love and protection is because they don't know everything about me. And I made sure of that. I never wanted anyone to know what I've done in the past or anything about my childhood cause then everyone would see me, exactly how I see myself.
"I like him." I sob.
"I know babe." His hand gently touches my knee.
"I feel like he's the only one that sees me, the only person that can truly understand me."
His expression twitches. "Okay, ouch! That's bullshit. I see you." His tone is playfully offended. "And I understand you."
It's true, he does. All of them do. But not like him.
"I know you do." I touch his hand. "But with him, it felt, different. I've never felt a connection like that before." I lay my emotions open for him.
He sighs again, the type of sigh that makes me want to break down again.
"Look Minho is," He's searching for the right words. "He's a lot to deal with, he's complicated. And even though he's an amazing person and a really giving and loyal friend, being in a relationship is completely different."
"What do you mean?" I look at him confused.
"I mean that he cares about you Y/n." His fingers drum on the wheel. "A lot, like a lot lot." He chuckles. "But he has his own issues to deal with, and the fact that he can't be with you exactly how you want him to or need him to doesn't mean he doesn't want to."
I give him a sideways glance, his words surprising me. "How do you know all this? I thought that you and Minho weren't that close."
"Well, first of all, it's common sense and I'm a pretty intellectual human being." He smirks, earning a light push on his shoulder by me. "Second, Minho loves me. He likes to act like I annoy the shit out of him around others but I know that I'm secretly his favorite. We've gotten pretty close despite the fact that we bicker about every little thing." He shrugs.
"Ugh!" I groan. "Why can't he act like a normal human being? I'm tired of chasing him!"
"Then don't! Let him chase you this time."
"He won't." I shake my head. Chasing me would mean that he cares enough and it's like he has this fear of showing any type of emotion. He never shows me anything unless I push him, bring him to his limits.
"Oh, trust me," Hyunjin's lips turn into a small knowing smile. "He will. Now forget about him and focus on the severely beaten baby Felix that's waiting for you in his room to cuddle."
My eyes go wide, realizing I have completely forgotten about them. "Oh my god! Drive faster!"
.
.
.
I've missed this. Being squeezed between Hyunjin and Felix, cuddling under the warm sheets as the daylight creeps into the room through the half-closed curtains. I don't wanna move an inch, I don't wanna face reality or talk about everything that happened last night. I just wanna stay here, my head resting on Hyunjin's chest while Felix is curled behind me, his limps launching on me like a koala bear, both of them lightly snoring.
Hyunjin agreed to not tell Chan anything but it wasn't hard for him to realize that something happened when he saw my face the minute we walked through the door, he still said nothing though. We didn't talk much about what happened, we hang out a bit and then we went straight to bed, the events of the night too heavy so all of us.
"Rise and shine kids!" Chan's voice pulls me out of my slumber, and I slowly open my eyes. He pulls the curtains fully open earning a series of groans from both Hyunjin and Felix. Felix buries himself deeper into the covers, his body still glued to mine while Hyunjin unwraps one arm from around me and places his forearm over his eyes.
"It's time to get up." Chan walks closer to the bed, a lazy smile plastered on his face.
I stretch my arms, gently pulling myself out of their grips in order to lift myself into a seating position.
"I missed this sight." Chan admires us with his arms crossed. "You kids sleeping together."
"Stop talking like a father." I rub my eyes, trying to wake up a bit. "I babysit you more than you do."
"That's not true," His smile grows. "I'm the dad and Emma is the mom, everyone knows that." He shrugs. "Ah, it's hard being a dad, especially now that I have 5 more kids."
"So should we call you daddy from now on?" Hyunjin's raspy morning voice comes from between the pillows, his eyes still closed.
"I mean, if the shoe fits..." Chan trails off, with a smirk.
I reach for the nearest pillow and throw it at him.
He easily avoids it, chucking. "Get up and come down for breakfast. It's Christmas." He says already out of the door.
Holy shit, he's right. With everything that's been happening, the fact that today is Christmas Day totally slipped my mind. A wave of excitement and joy runs through me, and it brings a small smile to my lips. It's Christmas. I make a move to lift my body, but Felix's hand, flat against my stomach stops me.
"5 more minutes." He mumbles, still half asleep. His morning voice is something I'll probably never get used to no matter how many times we sleep together.
"Noooo!" I groan, laughing. "Come on, it's Christmas!"
I have to fight my way out of the bed, but the minute I'm on my feet I ran to the bathroom, to quickly wash my face and brush my teeth. I look at myself in the mirror a bit longer, notching the small red marks across my neck. His marks. And the feeling of his lips on my neck, his hands on me, his words, everything came rushing back. I shake my head, in attempt to shake him off, but it's impossible. He's all I think about, I feel like he's everywhere, and honestly, I don't know when it got to this point. I don't know if I wanna talk to him after last night, the look on his face and his words are still fresh, open wounds. A part of me believes that if I don't make the move to talk he will simply ignore me like he always does, but after last night and especially after my talk with Hyunjin, I will not let myself make the first move. Even though I want to, despite how his words and actions last night hurt me. I wanna see him try, for once. Maybe he will, maybe not. Still, I'm done running after him, hoping.
I make my way down the stairs, excitement filling my veins but my feet slow down when I hear voices coming from the living room. I turn slowly to the right, careful not to be head.
Chan stands at the half-open door, only his back visible to me. "I told you she's sleeping."
"Look, I just really need to talk to her."
Minho.
His voice makes my breath hitch, my heart suddenly heavy in my chest. I try to move closer, in order to sneak a peek at him.
"Minho, please just go. I don't know what happened but I know that she needs space." Chan insists.
"No," Minho takes a step forward. "She needs to listen to me."
The muscles on Chan's back tighten. "I told you to be careful." His voice is steady and low. "She's my best friend and you have no idea how protective I am over her."
Minho stares at him just as hard, both of their bodies still as a statue. "Chan.."
"Don't make me step in between you two, 'cause for her I will," Chan warns him, his tone, unlike anything I've heard before from him. "You can be around her, you can like her, you can even love her if you want, but you don't get to break her heart. Cause then things will get complicated. You guys are the most important thing in my life, but she's family to me."
Chan's words make me warm. Even though we both know what we mean to each other, it's not often that I hear him express it in such words. Since my brother died, there's been this hole inside me, a void that nothing could fill. Or so I thought. When Chan came into my life everything changed. We became so close, so fast that I didn't even realize that he had silently filled that hole inside me. We always say that I saved him because my family took him in in a way, but I think it's the other way around. Chan's the reason that I'm where I am today.
"Please don't cross the line." He adds.
Minho's head stands low, his hair messy, falling into his eyes. "I don't wanna hurt her." His tone is gentle, sad. And I can't help but feel the same, his words tugging my heart. I wanna run to the door and wrap myself around him but I stay rooted, not letting myself go down that road again.
"Just.." Chan trails off. "Give her space, yeah? Just go home, rest, and come back for the Christmas dinner."
Minho looks tired, his eyes drained from the usual hint of life they hold with bags underneath them. Chan pats his shoulder, but it takes one look from Minho to pull him into a hug.
"Just please sleep and eat, don't make me worry about you too." Chan whispers against him.
The scene in front of me looks so vulnerable and personal that I begin to feel like I shouldn't be here, watching them. I force myself to step back, soundlessly jogging up the stairs until I hear the front door close. I wait for a moment, watching as Chan walks towards the kitchen before I do the same.
His head snaps to me as I enter. "Good morning princess."
"Good morning." I smile at him lazily. I lean into the counter, observing how he flips the last of the massive golden pancakes and stacks them on top of the rest. It's my first time spending Christmas with them, usually, I chose to spend the holidays with my mum but I'm glad I'm here.
"What?" He chuckles, noticing my staring. He places the pancakes in the middle of the counter, next to a variety of toppings, like Nutella, maple syrup, and many fruits. There's also fresh coffee, juice, and 2 different cereal placed on the counter along with 4 plates and glasses.
"Nothing," I shake my head. "I'm just happy to be spending Christmas with you guys."
His smile is soft as he reaches me. "I'm happy too."
I let my eyes study him, his injuries darker in the light of day. It feels like a punch in the stomach.
He notices the way I look at him. "It's okay." He says gently.
"It's not Chan," I bite my lip. "It's really not."
He tilts his head, his eyes soft and big staring at me and when my own eyes start to fill with tears he pulls me to his chest. "Come here."
His arms are one of the few places I feel truly safe. Everything about him brings me comfort and calms me down.
"It's gonna be okay, yeah? I promise." His hands brush my hair. "I'll take care of everything."
WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self harm, eating disorders etc.. mentions of blood, swearing, smoking, smut [ dirty talk, oral; giving and receiving, choking, spanking, praising, degradation, pet names, sometimes Minho is a dick :)
SUMMARY: "Do you remember what you told me the first time we met?"
"What?"
"You said; Always leave people a little better than you found them" he looked at the floor with a small smile for a few seconds and then his eyes found mine. "You really annoyed me when we first met. I envied your optimism and excitement for life. But each time I saw you, I felt a certain thrill. You made me angry, you made me laugh., you made me feel everything. Something about you made me feel a little more alive each time. I know I fucked up and I know I'm an asshole but I'm also brutally in love with you."
One year ago today Chan was running around my apartment, anxiously changing from a variety of dress shirts and pants. I remember how big this event was for him and how nervous he was about going for the first time, since back then he only knew the boys just a couple of months. This year things are different.
To say that I was anxious about going is an understatement and thank fucking god that Emma let me borrow one of her dresses cause I probably wouldn't have gone otherwise. Emma grew up in a quite wealthy family, she attended one of the best private schools in the area, and that involved many fancy parties and proms. So she has a good amount of nice, long dresses.
Unlike Emma, I was invited last minute and not by the person I would like, either way, I'm happy that Jeongin invited me the night we hang out. In Seungmin's family apparently, it's a tradition to host a Christmas Eve dinner party, and was a massive deal for him growing up. His nights before Christmas were filled with fancy dresses and suits, people drinking a shit tone of champagne, and 5-star catering employees walking around with plates of foods too small to be that expensive while classical Christmas music played in the background. During the last few years that he's been living on his own, he decided to carry on his family tradition and this year is no exception. I was kind of excited, I have to admit, it's not every day that I get to wear a fancy-ass dress and act like I'm not a broke college student that can barely keep her shit together. The one thing that I was stressing about was the fact that you had to bring a date. Of course, Seungmin told me that it would be completely okay if I show up alone but honestly, it will feel a little pathetic going solo, especially since he's going to be there. A small part of me wanted him to ask me that night. I waited and waited until the second I got out of his car but he never did. Moments from yesterday have been playing through my mind on repeat, like a film from an old movie, bits and pieces of the way he look at me and how the way his smile made the night sky a little brighter. I didn't expect him to call or text but still, since I woke up every time a notification would pop up a part of me hoped it was him. I'm both scared and curious to see how he's gonna act tonight but I know that if he acts like nothing happen it's gonna hurt just a little more this time.
Chan, Hyunjin, and Felix offered to be my dates yet I said no to all three of them. Everyone knows that we're friends and if I showed up with one of them as my date it would mean that I wasn't able to find someone else. Which is true, finding someone who's willing to come as your date to a nice Christmas Eve party is harder than I thought. When Kai offered to be my date after overhearing me complain to Hyunjin about not having one I was extremely reviled. I like Kai, he's pretty chill and I feel like he's going to be a great date, plus everyone knows him. Emma is going with Seungmin obviously, while Chan, Hyunjin, and Felix are all going solo, probably in hopes of getting laid.
I smoothen the front of my dress as we step into the elevator. The dress Emma gave me is breathtaking. It's a deep, dark shade of red that contrasts with the paleness of my skin perfectly and the satin fabric falls loose around my body yet tight enough in the right places in order to hug my curves perfectly. The straps are thin, not offering much support to my breasts, but thankfully Emma and I have similar chests so the cups of the dress are enough. My whole back is bare, the fabric starting from the top of my ass and hitting the ground while the big cut that's starting from the middle of my thigh, exposed almost my whole leg. I kept my makeup natural, letting the dress and the deep red that painted my lips do all the work. On any other occasion, I would've perfectly straightened my hair, but his compliment from last night tickled the side of my brain, so I let my long, thick brown curls fall all over my shoulders and down my back.
I bounced my right leg up and down, the sound of my heels clicking against the floor of the large elevator filling the small space.
"Can't you just relax?" Emma touched up the sides of her nude, glossy lips with the tip of her finger in the elevator mirror. She is dressed in a white, tight, strapless dress that makes her figure look almost fake. The way her boobs are pushed upwards and the way the fabric of the dress is so tight around her waist make her body look incredible, offering her an hourglass shape.
"Yeah, you've been fidgeting the whole way here." Kai adds, leaning against the wall with hands in his pockets. He's wearing a simple black suit with a dark red tie to match my dress, which I find really thoughtful and cute. His dirty blond hair is messily styled, yet somehow he managed to look like a runway model.
"I've never been in anything like this before." I mumble but in reality, that's not the reason I've been on edge since I woke up. It's not the people that are gonna be there, it's not the fancy setting or the nice clothes. It's him. It's the fact that he's going to be there, and the irritating feeling deep inside me that he's not going to be alone.
Kai pushes himself off the wall just as the elevator doors over. "You look stunning, relax." He leans in my way, his tone just a little lower than before.
I exhale, forming a small smile and we exit the elevator.
"It's going to be so much fun!" Emma squeals, fastening her step down the hall. "I'm so excited!"
We reach their door and Emma rings the doorbell. I feel my palms sweating already, my fingers playing with each other nervously. Kai shoots me a glance before resting his hand on my lower back, his fingers brushing my hip.
The door opens.
Seungmin's eyes go wide, the rest of his face staying completely still. "You're kidding." His gaze travels along her body.
Her smile goes wide, her whole face blushing. "You like it?"
He clears his throat. "There are people here." His tone drops so that only we are able to hear him. "So I can't really express myself properly. "
I hold my laugh. They're so freaking cute.
He opens the door further. "Please, come in."
The apartment is brighter than ever, with beautiful chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, crystals reflecting the light perfectly down on the crowd of people talking and slow dancing in the middle of the massive living room. All the furniture has been removed, the couch, the armchairs, the tables, everything, leaving the space empty and open. I can count almost 30 people here, and I can't help but let my eyes stare in awe at all the beautiful dresses and outfits. It's like a ball straight out of a movie, with slow music playing in the background, the food, the drinks, and the people, it's incredible.
"Oh, my god baby..." Emma whispers, wrapping her arm around Seungmin as we walk further into the apartment.
"Don't worry, " He says, sensing how nervous all 3 of us suddenly are. "Everyone here is in my inner circle, just close friends and family. All the guys are already here, as well."
Em's feet freeze. "Family?"
A soft smile overtakes Seungmin's lips. "Come with me."
We watch as he drags her further into the crowd, disappearing.
"Well," Kai turns to me. "Shall we go find the others?"
"I'm gonna need a drink first." I chuckle nervously.
Kai looks around, locking eyes with one of the waiters walking slowly between the people, offering them a glass of champagne, and motions for him politely to come our way.
"Champagne?" The blond waiter offers with a sweet smile.
I curl my fingers around a glass, lifting it off his tray. "Thank you."
He nods politely and walks away.
"I see them," Kai says close to my ear. "Let's go."
He takes my hand in his, leading the way to the end of the living room, near the massive windows, that offered an incredible view of the night city. All of them are standing there in a circle talking amongst themselves. Chan's eyes spot us and I can't help but smile at his expression.
"No way." He shakes his head, not believing his eyes. His comment makes everyone's head snap in our direction.
"Holy shit!" Hyunjin's eyes go wide, the glass of champagne freezing inches away from his mouth.
"What can I say?" Kai lifts his free hand, shrugging with a smug expression. " I might have the hottest date in the whole party."
"Shut up." I roll my eyes, his comment making heat spread all over my face.
Chan inches forward, looking at me from head to toe. "You look unreal." He takes my hand, pulling me away from Kai's grip and spinning me into a circle. "Wow."
I can't help but giggle a little.
"No seriously," Hyunjin moves to stand next to Chan. "You look hot as fuck."
"Thank you guys." I nod at both of them, appreciating the way they always go out of their way to make me feel good about myself. "You don't look but yourselves."
Chan adjusts his black tie, making it a little tighter around his neck before rolling up the sleeves of his perfectly straight, white dress shirt, that I ironed a few hours ago after much begging from his part. With black dress pants, black boots, and his dark, messy curls styled just enough to look good but not preppy, he looks shockingly different. Hyunjin wears a similar outfit to Chan and with a face like his and the way his long, blonde hair falls just above his shoulders, he looks like a prince. I move my gaze behind them, noticing Jisung, Jeongin, and Changbin with Lia, who's apparently the only one with a date. I quickly realize that Minho and Felix are missing.
"Where's Felix and Minho?" I ask them as casually as I can.
I notice the small glance that they exchange before Hyunjin speaks up. "Smoke break." I simply nod and move to greet the rest of them.
"Oh, my gosh you look stunning!" I give her a quick hug.
She tugs her hair behind her ear, shyly. "Thank you, you look amazing too."
"Green?" I lift my eyebrow at Changbin's dark green suit.
"I don't like boring outfits." He smirks. "The room is full of them."
"Shut up, Shrek." Jisung rolls his eyes at his friend, pulling me into a hug.
"Hey," I mumble with a soft smile in the small space between his shoulder and his neck.
"I was waiting for you." He says.
"Too many people?"
He scoffs a laugh. "Too many fancy, important people and not enough alcohol to get me though. There are some people connected to my family here as well and let's say that I would rather not talk to them at all. " He explains.
I remember when Minho explained to me everything about Jisung's past and how he and Seungmin are connected but I mask my face and pretended not to know anything. "Really?"
"Yeah, I'll tell you another time."
"Okay." I touch his shoulder sympathetically.
"Hello, gorgeous." Jeongin pulls me in a small, side hug, his cologne hitting my nose immediately.
"Hi." I smile at his compliment.
"So you found a date?" He nods Kai's way, who's chatting with Chan and Hyunjin.
"More like the date found me." I shrug.
He takes a sip of his champagne. "Bummer."
"Bummer?" I lift my eyebrows. "Why?"
"I would've asked you if I knew you were available." He boldly states, his face natural and his eyes confident.
"What made you think I wasn't available when you told me about the party?" I reply, mirroring his confidence.
His face breaks into a smile, dropping his head a little lower. "Were you?"
His question almost feels challenging and makes me wonder if he knows anything about me and Minho.
I look away, into the crowd. "Jeongin, if you had asked me, I would've said yes." I reply instead.
I feel him taking a step forward. "Well, I'll remember that moving forward."
I don't know what to do or say besides simply smiling at him, his forceful approach taking me by surprise.
He lifts his half-empty glass of champagne towards me and I do the same, before drowning the remains of the bubbly liquid.
"May I steal her for a few minutes?" I feel Kai's hand resting on my back.
Jeongin brings his lips into a tight smile. "Of course, she's your date after all."
I let Kai lead me to the dance floor where a good amount of couples are slow dancing to a beautiful melody coming from the speakers. I place my hand comfortably on his shoulder and wrap the other one around his before we start swinging to the music.
"So," He drags the word. "You're switching to one of his best friends?"
I look at him confused. "What?"
"I thought Minho was the one you were going after." He lets go of my waist, spinning me 2 times before settling back into our previous position.
"I'm not 'going after' anyone." I straighten my back. "And to answer your question; no. Minho wasn't one."
"And Jeongin is?" He presses but not at all in a rude or angry way. His tone is light and conversational.
"Can't a girl just have fun?" I almost whine out loud.
"Oh, trust me you can have fun." He chuckles charmingly. "If having 3 guys running after you is your idea of fun."
Now it's my turn to chuckle. "That's not true."
He clears his throat. "You're right, 4."
I narrow my eyes at his hint of a smile. " I know I'm not your type."
He tightens his grip, pulling a little closer, my body pressing onto his. "No, you're not. But I would never say no to you."
That, I've known for a while. Chan had told me that Kai was interested in me months ago, yet despite him being breathtakingly handsome and a really nice guy, I wasn't ready to move on. I wasn't ready to hook up or mess around cause if I would have gotten involved with him, that's all our relationship would be.
"Ah," He purrs near my ear. "And that's the reason you would say no, to both me and Jeongin." I feel his head nod in the opposite direction, his words making my body freeze on his hands. "Don't look, it will make it too obvious."
I wanna look. I wanna look so bad. The desire to simply see him is so intense that it scares me and makes me feel like an addict wanting desperately to get his hit.
"Is he looking?" I whisper in his ear, even though I know Minho can't possibly hear me, and even though I somehow can feel his eyes burning at my exposed back.
"Yep. Intensely, may I add."
I don't move a muscle. "Is he alone?" I asked the question that's been eating me alive.
"Nope."
I exhale, and I try to stay relaxed, I try to keep dancing, pretending to be unbothered by his presence and honestly, my curiosity would have gotten the best of me if Seungmin's voice didn't echo through the speaker, interrupting the music and dancing.
"First of all, I would like to thank each and every one of you that decided to spend Christmas Eve here." He says into the mic, standing on top of the first few steps of their huge staircase, getting everyone's attention. Kai forces our movements to a halt but still keeps a hand on my waist as we stand, facing Seungmin just like everyone.
"This gathering means so much to me, and I'm really happy that I get to host my own version of my family's tradition along with all the people that matter most to me."
It's eating me up inside, an uncontrollable craving and a tightness in my chest. Just a look, a tiny little glance to satisfy my curiosity.
"To my bandmates, to my friends, to my family, and to my lovely girl." He lifts his glass and the whole room does the same. Emma stands in front of him, smiling like I've never seen her before.
Just a peek.
I turn my head to the right, slightly and carefully, with my glass lifted towards Seungmin but the rest of his speech fades into background noise the minute my eyes lock with his. I swear to god, if Kai wasn't holding my waist, my knees would have bugled.
There he was, standing a few meters away, looking simply breathtaking. And already looking at me. Looking at me with a spark in his eyes, a force, a look so dark that made my throat dry, and I couldn't look away, I couldn't take my eyes off him. He looks, unlike anything I've seen him before. He's dressed in black dress pants that make his thighs look mouthwatering and a simple black dress shirt with the first few buttons open, exposing his wide chest. His hair, for the first time ever, is styled, with the left side slightly pushed back while the right front part of his hair falls perfectly over his eye. He looks so magnetizing that I almost didn't notice the petite blonde clinging to his side, under his arm. Dressed in a black, skintight, long-sleeve dress, with a full face of makeup and full red lips.
He smirks, lifting his glass my way with a challenging nod.
"So please enjoy yourselves tonight, and let's welcome Christmas in the best way possible." I snap my eyes back to Seungmin, finally able to breathe. Everyone starts cheering and clapping and when the music started playing again, everyone went back to either dancing or talking almost themselves while enjoying the incredible food and drinks, but I can't move. Not when my mind is glued to the image of her next to him. Who is she? I've never seen her before.
"Do you want another drink?" Kai asks. "Maybe a stronger one?"
"Yes, please." I breathe, wanting nothing more than to be dragged away from the dance floor, and enjoy a strong gin tonic in the corner, where I can't even see him. I let Kai lead the way, with his hand placed on my lower back. We reach the bar, and spot Felix and Hyunjin talking.
"Y/n!" Felix's eyes widen. "You look incredible." He wraps his arms around my waist, lifting my feet off the ground.
A series of giggles escape me. "Put me down! You're drawing attention."
"Are you enjoying the party?" Hyunjin questions with a lift of his eyebrows and a small knowing smile.
Instead of answering, I lean into the counter closer to the bartender making the drinks. "One gin tonic, please. Strong."
Felix lets out a low whistle. "We'll take that as a no."
"I was enjoying my night just fine." I cross my hands, looking into the distance. They're still on the dance floor, her hands loose around his neck and his holding her waist, like they've never held mine. They move slowly to the music as they chat casually. It's hard to stop my eyes from narrowing at the way his face looks almost relaxed, with a light smile as he speaks.
"Staring at him won't work." Hyunjin jokes, copying my position, arms crossed, back leaning into the table.
Felix lets out a laugh.
"Your drink miss." The bartender pushes the glass my way and I take it in my hands, taking a sip immediately.
"Is something going on that I don't know about?" Felix gives me a look.
"Nope." I shake my head, continuing to sip my drink, not taking my eyes off them.
"Something is definitely going on." Kai copies my position as well.
"You can tell us." Hyunjin adds.
"Nothing's going on." I've drank almost half of my drink already. "And even if there was, I wouldn't tell any of you."
"Excuse me?" Felix says, giving me a glare from head to toe while Hyunjin places a hand over his heart.
"Oh, please!" I roll my eyes at their reactions. "You would run to Chan and give him a full presentation of what I'd said, and you know it."
"That's a lie." Felix points his finger at me. "Your secrets are always safe with us princess."
"Exactly." Hyunjin nods. "Even if it's about fucking one of Chan's best friends"
"It's not like that!" Hyunjin's words make my tone rise, feeling a sudden need to explain myself but they simply laugh. "And besides, Chan's my-" Speaking of the devil Chan makes his way toward us, with his hands casually in his pockets, walking through the crowd like he's 7 feet tall.
"Chan!" I greet him. "Hi."
"Hello, pretty lady." He offers me a broad smile, before turning his attention to Felix and Hyunjin. "I need some help."
"Why? What happened?"
"Seungmin's having some trouble with the cakes." He scratches the back of his neck, a habit of his. "For some reason, they couldn't be delivered here, so someone has to go and get them from the bakery, which closes in approximately," He checks his watch. "19 minutes."
"I'll come. " Felix offers immediately.
"Oh, my god, thanks man." Chan sighs in relief.
"No, problem." He sets his half-empty glass on the table. "We'll finish the conversation later." He sends me a wink.
"What conversation?"
Felix pushes Chan towards the door, chuckling. "Nothing mate, come on let's go."
. . . . . . . . .
I tried sneaking glances as much as I could, whether he was dancing with her, going to get a drink at the bar, or absolutely devouring the mini burgers, and he didn't find my eyes once. Even when he was talking with the rest of the boys and I stood only a few feet away, fully involved in the conversation as well, he never once addressed me. In fact, he didn't even look my way. At all. All night. He smiled and talked, and acted like nothing was going on, like he was fully comfortable with me being almost right next to him. Like nothing had happened. He was simply ignoring me the whole night, so successfully that it made pure rage grow inside me. At the fact that it was so each for him to do so, when I couldn't even breathe properly when he was near, at the way he smiled and talked and danced with her, and most importantly at the way he looked absolutely ravishing. Simply stunning.
My anger was growing and growing each second, each minute, each hour passing and I found myself at the bar more often than I should. The party was beautiful. The decorations, the music, the elegantly dressed people, everything. Kai did dance with me numerous times, and I also danced with Hyunjin and Jisung but at times like these when Kai is somewhere talking or smoking with the boys and Emma is busy playing hostess with Seungmin, I give myself a second to simply do some people watching, and fully take in this beautiful scene unraveling in front of me. Everyone is having a great time, Emma and Seungmin along with Changbin and Lia are currently on the dance floor, and the rest of the boys are chatting and laughing. Every single person in here, has a smile on their face, enjoying the moment, something I can't bring myself to do. Hell, even Minho has a hint of a smile on his face.
I drown my 4th glass of gin and tonic.
"Easy there tiger." Jisung takes the now-empty glass from my hand. "Someone's clearly not having fun."
"I am having fun." I scoff. "In fact, I'm having a great time, this party is amazing." I wave my hand around.
"Yes, it is." He smiles, focusing his eyes on me. "Are you okay, kid?"
It's weird how Jisung can always realize when something's wrong, but then again I don't think that I'm making a good job of hiding it.
"Can I ask you a question?" I ask back.
"Sure."
"Do you smoke?"
He blinks at my straightforward question. "Occasionally, yes. Why?"
"Can I have one?"
He blinks again. "Um," Another blink. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. Please." I press in a high-pitched tone when he appears to be looking around, probably for Hyunjin.
He sighs but reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
"For an occasional smoker, you sure are prepared." I tease.
He rolls his eyes at me with a smile. "Do you want it or not?" He holds a cigarette between his fingers.
My eyes light up and I immediately take it. "Yes please."
"I'd suggest you go somewhere else to smoke it." He lets his eyes trail around the room once again as if we're dealing right in front of 30 people, placing a lighter in my hands as well.
"Yes, I know." I hide the cigarette inside my palm. "Thanks, Jisung."
He gives me a short nod with a hint of hesitation in his big brown eyes and lets me walk away from him. My legs drag me up the stairs, making a turn to the only room I've ever been in this house. I open the big, glass door and exit the room, walking into the massive balcony. This time I don't climb the stairs to the roof, I walk further into the balcony until I reach the railing. It's a lovely night, perfect for Christmas Eve, the stars and moon lighting up the night sky and blending perfectly with the chilly atmosphere. I shiver, my bare shoulders moving inwards mechanically in an attempt to protect my body from the cold yet I don't wrap my arms around it, instead, I welcome the cold and let it lift the little hairs on my arms and spread goosebumps across my skin. Something about the cold air hitting me, this shivering feeling tingling my back, calms me down. It's like reality showering you in the best way possible, grounding you. I take the cigarette between my teeth, the red of my lips staining the edge and I circle my hand around it, lighting it up. The first inhale hits me hard, reminding me just how much I've missed it; the feeling of the sudden numbness in your brain unraveling and spreading everywhere in your body, and how suddenly with each inhale you feel more and more separated from the world around you. I let the moment sink in in my intoxicated mind, appreciating where I am right now and saving it. I know that my moment is gone when I hear the noise, the footsteps, and the door slamming, and even though I stay still, facing the night sky, hands resting on the railing, it doesn't take longer than 5 seconds to realize that it's him. Maybe it was his sweet vanilla scent mixed with a hint of cigarettes, that filled the air immediately or the way his light, slightly audible breathing sounded somewhat familiar, but I knew.
"Hello, Angel."
"Minho," I simply acknowledge him.
"I didn't know you had a tattoo on your back." He spoke in a low, controlled tone.
The corners of my mouth lift. "I have 5." I stay facing forward, pausing to take another drag of the cigarette and taking my time to exhale the smoke. "And there are many things you don't know about me."
"Like?" He starts walking my way, and I know that he has his hands in his pockets and a small smile is dancing on those beautiful lips, without having to look.
"You'll find out if you stop ignoring me."
My comment forced a chuckle out of him and suddenly he appears to my right with his back resting on the railing, facing me. When I move my eyes from the night sky to look at him, regret showers me from head to toe. I was right about the small smile but definitely not prepared for the way he looks at me through his long lashes. Having not made eye contact for most of the night, being here, and being looked at by him feels like the highlight of my night. And I hate it, almost as much as I hate the way my heart starts beating just a little bit faster.
His fingers come up, snatching the cigarette from between my own in such a swift movement, bringing it to his mouth. "Smoking doesn't look good on you, angel."
I admire how he moves the cigarette to his other hand, the one away from me, taking a drag of it midway and exhaling, and it's honestly crazy how attractive it is to me. "I don't care." I reply, trying to appear unbothered.
"Are you enjoying the dance?" He asks and if I didn't know any better, I would think that he actually cared but I recognize the irony in his voice.
"Of course, I am," I play along. "It's wonderful."
He drops his eyes to the floor. "I think I'm getting pretty good at realizing when you're lying."
My body stiffens. "I'm not lying." The party is wonderful...
"Well, I think you are." His words mix with the smoke as he exhales.
"And what makes you think that?" I further ask, holding eye contact for just a few seconds.
He shrugs. "Maybe it was the quite visible stiffness of your body the whole time, the constant frown that was plastered on those red lips, or the way too much drinking out of discomfort and nervousness. But I think it was probably the fact that you danced only up to 30% of your abilities thanks to that lame excuse of a partner you choose to drag along with you as a date." A small smile threatens to spread on his face, but he contains it.
"None of what you've just said is true," I try to brush him off, forcing myself to act like his words didn't affect me or how it scared me that everything he just said is in fact true. It makes me feel like I can't possibly hide from him, as if he can read me like an open book without even trying. "And don't talk shit about Kai, he's a great date and someone I actually know and have fun with."
His smile widened into a smirk. "Anna and I know each other for quite some time."
I stare into the sky again. "I didn't ask and I don't care."
"You didn't have to, I can see how it's been eating you up inside since you laid eyes on us." The confidence that laces his teasing tone makes me tense up and I feel his gaze on me as he continues.
Us...
"I saw the way you roamed your eyes from her head to her toes every chance you got, probably analyzing everything about her." He blows the last bit of the smoke before pressing the edge of the remaining cigarette on the railing and throwing it away. "It was easy to guess what was going through your mind, " He pushes himself off the railing and moves slowly, almost like a cat, circling around me and leaning closer and closer. "Questions, questions, so many questions, and doubts. I could almost feel you comparing every little thing about her to you." He stops behind me, his chest nearly touching my back yet still knocking the air out of my chest. I swallow hard, feeling his head moving to the side of my face, just above my shoulder.
"And honestly, I don't know what felt more entertaining to me; the fact that I could smell the jealousy out of you or the fact that you actually thought that she stands a chance next to you." He whispers, lips brushing against the cell of my ear and I'm on fire, from head to toe. He's suddenly close, so close, his scent hitting my nose, intoxicating my brain even more and memories of his hands on me and his body pressing against mine begin to dance around my head.
"Minho.." I try my best to sound stable, but my words come out breathy.
He pushes his face further into the curve of my neck, his lips traveling all around, brushing my skin. "What do you want angel?"
Such a dangerous question to ask when I feel like he has my body wrap around his finger without even touching it. "S-stop it. You can't do that."
His low chuckle against my skin sends a wave of vibrations all the way down to my core. "Can't?"
"Yes." I somehow find the strength to push my body away from his and turn to face him, resting my back against the railing for much-needed support. "You've been ignoring me the whole night, and now you wanna come and play games with me? That's not how it works." I cross my arms.
His face is now stripped of any playfulness, his features turning hard as he looks down at me. A moment of silence passes until he decides to speak. "I wasn't ignoring you."
I chuckle lightly. " Yes, you were. Completely."
He bites his bottom lip softly, eyes moving up and down my body fast. "I wasn't ignoring you, " He repeats. "I was trying to contain myself. There's a difference."
I feel my breath shaking at his words, and all I can do is stare at him, no words coming out.
He looks up, inhaling, tongue running over his bottom teeth as he steps forward. "You look fucking exquisite." He drawls. His hands grip the railing tight, trapping me. "My breath was yours the minute I laid eyes on you."
I can only hear my heart drumming against my chest, his words making me freeze. "I don't-"
A noise escapes him, almost like a growl. His nose bumps against mine gently, and his cigarette breath fills the small space between us. "You think I was enjoying watching him have his hands all over you?"
"It sure looked like it. " I whisper, looking up at him.
His eyes are dark, moving everywhere around my face before settling on my lips. "That was the point."
"Why is everything a game to you?" I can't help but whine.
He doesn't answer instead he brushes his lips against mine, taking my words and breath, and flashes me a look. His eyes warning me and asking me at the same time, and in a split second his lips are on mine. His mouth moved with so much power, so much force that it made my grip on the railing tighten as my knees almost gave up. It didn't take long before my mind caught up, making my own lips move against his with the same hunger and he hummed in response, satisfied. His cold hands cupped my jaw as his tongue began brushing aggressively against mine, demanding complete access which I was more than happy to provide. Our mouths danced together in a way that felt almost like a war, biting and sucking, nibbling and pulling, his hand traveled to my hair, grabbing a handful of my dark curls and forcing my head to tilt upwards, breaking the kiss with a choked moan. His mouth traveled to my jaw and down to my neck, leaving wet spots behind and marking my skin softly.
"You have no idea how hard it was for me to contain myself all night," He breaths out. "when all I wanted to do was bend you over and admire how hot the back of that dress would look as I fuck you from behind. "
A sound so desperate and needy ripped through my throat at his words, my body in shock and melting in his hands as he continues to devour my neck and chest, his mouth going everywhere.
"Minho.." I find the strength to whisper.
"Yeah, I know.." He groans against my skin.
"Someone could see us." I add.
He drags his lips from my neck back to my jaw, until his mouth is ghosting over mine again "I know," His eyes are hungry and wild. "don't care though."
I laugh under my breath. "We both know that's a lie."
"A lie?"
"Minho, you don't wanna be seen with me." I shake my head lightly. "Every time we're around people you act like a completely different person."
"It's not that angel." He exhales against my lips, brushing his nose against mine. His hands move slowly, from my jaw down my chest, his rough fingers toy with the thin straps of my dress before traveling down to my exposed cleavage. His eyes meet mine as he drags his fingers in between my breasts, making my nipples harden, the shape of them visible through the thin satin material. His mouth twists when he notices, his lips coming together hard. I feel my breath tremble as his hand passes from my stomach and doesn't stop. I switch my gaze from his hand to his eyes nervously while he stays focused on his movement, with eyebrows frowned.
When his fingers brush over my core, I inhale sharply, holding my breath.
"God, it would be so satisfying to see just how wet you are for me right now." He lets out a low groan, smiling.
"I'm not." I swallow, tightening my jaw, looking at him dead in the eye.
His smile turns into a smirk, dark and wicked, that shakes me to my core and awakes a hunger deep inside me, making me wetter than I already was. "Let's check then shall we?"
Before I have any time to protest or do anything, he knocks my left foot with his, making my legs open enough for his hand to creep in from the opening of the dress that exposed my leg from my hip bone all the way down to my ankle.
"Minho!" My voice comes out more like a whine, the end of his name dying in my throat as his fingers waste no time, pulling my underwear to the side.
"Ah, shit." He hums in approval closing his eyes when his finger opens my folds, gently rubbing my clit and letting my wetness soak it. His smile grows as his teeth capture his bottom lip between them. "You're dripping baby."
I place my hands on his chest. "Please, s-stop."
"I don't think you want me to stop. Not when I can so easily do," His middle finger slides inside me, effortlessly. "This."
A moan leaves my lips, my head falling back at the unexpected pleasure.
His finger starts moving, fast and hard, making wet, sinful sounds mixed with my embarrassing whimpering fill the air.
"That's it, baby." He drags the words, in a low tone, attaching his lips once again against my jaw.
"Oh my god," I brokenly say, fisting his shirt. He slides another finger in with absolutely no warning, keeping the same brutally pleasurable pace and I feel my stomach tightening, the pleasure building and building. Everything has faded again, an effect that only he has on me, suddenly it's just me and him and I find myself not caring about where we are or who can see us as I let myself fall apart on his fingers.
His lips find mine, swallowing my gasps, in a sloppy kiss. "You feel so good around my fingers angel." His free hand comes up to cup my jaw, forcing my eyes to him, foreheads touching. "You think you can come for me? Huh?"
The way he speaks, so cockily and confidently, is challenging me and I hate how much the way he teases and handles my body, pushes me closer to the edge. This back-and-forth thing between us, this feeling, this rush of adrenaline that consumes me every time he's around is getting addictive and I want more and more. I want him more and more.
His fingers curled inside me, effortlessly finding that spot, and hitting it repeatedly. "S-shit."
"Found it." He says proudly in my ear, gently biting my earlobe, and if I wasn't currently on the verge of having an orgasm at a balcony, during Seunming's Christmas Eve party, I would have slapped that smirk off his face.
The knot in my stomach tightens, my legs begin to shake, and I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest, heat rising to my face. His thumb finds my clit, rubbing circles over it and the second he applies just the tiniest amount of pressure, I feel the pleasure creeping in.
"Minho, I'm g-gonna.." My orgasm hits me like a wave, my whole body going numb, gasps and moans of his name fall from my lips.
"There we go baby," He groans, connecting his forehead to mine again. "Ride it out." All of his digits move perfectly together, not slowing down even a tiny bit, as I make a mess of them. My eyes stay shut, still unable to breathe while the remains of my high still linger, the bliss still tingling my insides.
When he feels me relax, he pulls his fingers out, letting some of my release wet my inner thighs. I open my eyes slowly meeting his. He's grinning like a satisfied child, that got what he wanted.
"Well," He lifts an eyebrow, bringing his two fingers to his mouth and wrapping his full, pink lips around them, sucking them clean while holding eye contact. "That was lovely."
I blink and I swallow hard, and then blink again. Staring up at him, not really knowing what to say, my mind completely blank. "I- uhm.." I stutter, and it could be my head trying to wrap itself around what just happened or how the moonlight falls on his face perfectly, lighting up his big, brown eyes, but I struggle to form a sentence. His hair, a little messed up, probably from my hands, and his whole face, glowing, making me wish I could take a photo of him in this moment.
"I-I-uhm," He mocks, eyes moving all over my face. "Not knowing what to say; that's the 'Minho effect'. " He shrugs.
His words snap me out of my haze. "God, you're so arrogant." I push at his chest, making him stubble just a step, his shoulders shaking with laughter. I cross my arms, shaking my head at the boy in front of me. It's the second time, I've heard him laugh.
He bounces back to his previous spot, lowering his head a bit to catch my gaze, his eyes dark and beautiful. "Are you obsessed with me yet or should I try harder?"
I roll my eyes, fighting back a small smile, this playful and flirty side of his might be my favorite. It's making me wish we could stay like this forever. So close to each other, so open and relaxed. But sadly the nature of our relationship is nothing like that.
I open my mouth to answer but the shout of my name ripping through the air, makes me freeze.
Hyunjin.
He steps into the balcony, chest rising and falling so hard that he's visibly struggling to breathe. His face is covered with a thin layer of sweat and his hair is messily falling over his face as if he was repeatedly running his hands over them.
"Hyunjin?" My head snaps to him, but it's the look on his face, the panic in his eyes that makes my blood run cold, and my feet to take a step forward.
"We have a problem." He breaths out, hard.
"What is it?" Minhos takes a step forward as well, his body and face shifting completely, hardening, alarmed.
WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self-harm, eating disorders etc.. mentions of blood, swearing, smoking, smut [ dirty talk, oral; giving and receiving, choking, spanking, praising, degradation, pet names, sometimes Minho is a dick :)
SUMMARY: "Do you remember what you told me the first time we met?"
"What?"
"You said; Always leave people a little better than you found them" he looked at the floor with a small smile for a few seconds and then his eyes found mine. "You really annoyed me when we first met. I envied your optimism and excitement for life. But each time I saw you, I felt a certain thrill. You made me angry, you made me laugh., you made me feel everything. Something about you made me feel a little more alive each time. I know I fucked up and I know I'm an asshole but I'm also brutally in love with you."
Author’s note: This is one of my favourite chapters, hope you enjoy <333
"What is this place?" I move closer behind him, the sound of the door opening drawing all the attention to us. The smell of alcohol and weed hits my nose immediately as we walk further inside. The bar is quite big, all the walls are a dark shade of grey with pieces of art and different paintings hanging from them. The actual bar is a black circle center right in the middle, with a beautiful, black chandelier hanging above it. The music is not that loud, creating more of a chill vibe but still, the place is quite crowded.
"Hey, man." Minho greets the guy behind the bar.
"Did you miss me already?" The blonde guy teases him, pulling a glass and placing it on the counter in front of us.
"Oh, no I'm not here for a drink." He waves him off. "Is Will at the back?"
"Yeah." He nods, moving his eyes to me. I offer him a small smile, feeling too awkward to introduce myself.
"Can you keep an eye on her for a minute? " He asks him.
I look at him confused, touching the sleeve of his jacket to get his attention. "Where are you going?"
"It will take 5 minutes, I just need to grab something." He explains. "Just stay here," He takes a step forward but turns around. "and please don't do anything stupid." I watch as he disappears behind a big black door before turning to the bartender.
He offers me a tight smile. "Do you want a shot?" he says, nodding at the glass he had pulled out for Minho.
I'll definitely need as much alcohol in my system as I can handle without blacking out to handle Minho. "Sure."
. * .♥︎ * ･ ｡ﾟ. ♥︎* ･ ｡ﾟ. * ･♥︎ ｡ﾟ. * ･ ♥︎｡ﾟ
The 5 minutes, turned into 10 and the 10 turned into 15 but the blonde guy, whose name I found out to be Jack is doing a great job at keeping me entertained. At first, I was watching him make all the drinks that people had ordered, but since it's not that busy right now and I probably seemed way too curious, I'm currently behind the bar with him, trying to learn how to make a Negroni.
"I said one shot! " He pulls the bottle of gin I'm holding away from the glass where we're making the drink.
"Well, I don't know how much a shot is exactly." I giggle.
"Can you even see this glass, after 5 shots of tequila?"
"Yes, give it back." I reach for the bottle but he raises it higher.
"Nope." His dimples make an appearance.
I make a few unsuccessful attempts to reach it before narrowing my eyes at him. I see an empty bottle of wine and reach for it. "Give me the bottle back, before it gets nasty." I raise my eyes brows at his laughing face.
"What, and I can not emphasize this enough, the fuck are you doing?" Minho stands in front of us on the opposite side of the bar with his hands resting on his hips.
"I'm training to be a bartender. " I explain, lowering the bottle.
Minho turns to Jack. "Don't look at me." He lifts his hands in defence.
"I told you to stay out of trouble." He looks around the bar, relieved that none's attention is on us.
I pout and jump on the counter, pulling my legs to the other side, where Minho stands. "Well, I got bored."
He lets out a sigh. "Be careful." His hands find my waist and I giggle when I jump back down, landing right in front of him.
He scrunches his nose, lifting an eyebrow at me. "What did you drink?"
"We did shots." I squeal.
Minho narrows his eyes at Jack. "She did," he points at me. "I'm working. You got it?"
Minho simply nods.
"What?" I curiously ask.
"Nothing." He dismisses me, dropping his hands.
I frown at his lack of explanation. "You brought me here, to this male-filled, weed-smelling bar without a single explanation, left me waiting for half an hour and your answer is 'nothing'? " I cross my arms.
"She's funny," Jack rests his arms on the bar. "and kinda right."
"Shut up." Minho sends him a glare. "Come on, let's go." He takes my hand in his, not giving me time to protest, and pulls me along, out of the bar."
"I'm not having fun." I open the car door and jump into the passenger seat. He gets inside the car, a soft smirk playing on his lips. His hands reach for the wheel, his fingertips brushing against it as he starts the car.
"Why did you leave me waiting for half an hour?" I ask again.
"I was getting some weed, among other things." He drily says, keeping his eyes on the road. I feel my body tensing up a little at his words. My experience with drugs has not been the best.
"Are you using?" I clear my throat.
"Why are you saying it like that?" His lips twist with amusement. "Like it's a bad thing."
"Cause it is." I turn my body slightly towards his.
"You were getting ready to smoke a big, fat blunt and chug down a whole bottle of wine when I came and you're lecturing me?" He laughs, making a turn and slowing down the car. I don't answer, instead, I look out the window curiously, trying to see any buildings or streets to navigate where we are but all I see are unfamiliar roads and a shit ton of trees.
"We're here." The car comes to a stop and his raspy voice fills the small, now quiet space.
"Is this the part where you force me deep down the dark alley and rape me?" I joke not moving. I like to say that I trust him. My mind somehow feels safe with him but truth is that I don't know him at all. Even though he has conquered a huge part of my mind in the past month in a way he still remains a stranger to me. A beautiful mystery that I, so desperately wanna discover if he lets me but for now, how much can I really trust him?
He gets out of the car, and the sound of the door slamming shakes me a bit. He walks over to my side and opens the door. I look at him and then take another look around the area. We have parked at the end of a street that I don't really recognize but I can see some houses and apartment complexes so we can't be that far away. Still, I'm a little skeptical, my legs not comfortable or confident enough to move, so I stay seated.
He rests his hand on the open door, dropping his face a little lower. His eyes hold a questioning look. "Do you trust me?"
"No." My answer is fast and sharp. "I don't know you."
"Do you want to?" He challenges.
Yes. So much.
My heart jumps a little at his words but I say nothing again. Instead, I get out of the car, earning a noise of satisfaction from him. He slams the door shut, locking the car before leading the way silently into the alley, and I wrap my arms around my body following close behind him. I feel chills spreading down my arms the more we walk and I don't not if it's from the fact that this looks like it was taken out of a horror movie or the fact that I'm finally alone with him. The hidden excitement grows the more I think about it and a million things run through my mind, questions I wanna ask him and words I wanna say to him but I bite my tongue, keeping silent as we reach the end of the alley. A small flight of stairs is attached to the wall.
He takes a step back, gesturing for me to go first.
"I'm not going first," I scoff, shaking my head. "my ass is gonna be on full display."
He moves his lips, trying to stop them from forming a smile. "It's just so that I can catch you if you slip, stupid."
I can feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. "Oh. " I look away. Thank god, it's dark. I climb the first step, that's just a little above the ground and look up, checking how far up it goes. The building is at least 7 or 8 floors.
"Just don't look down, okay?" He comes up behind me. I feel his hands ghosting over my hips, his breath close to the back of my head. I don't look back, I hold on to the rusty metal and slowly I place my foot over the next step. I take a few seconds, trying to focus. I definitely shouldn't be doing this after drinking.
"It's okay, I got you." He says in a gentle whisper and I begin to climb until I reach the top not turning around to see if Minho's right behind me. I step on the open roof, the chilly air hitting my face immediately. I walk a little, admiring the perfect view of the city, all the lights glistering like sparkles into the night. The roof is square and open, without some sort of railing protecting the perimeter.
"Um," I turn to Minho after hearing him reach the top. "what exactly is that?" The roof is completely empty except for a big, black, leather, three-seat couch positioned right in the middle.
"It's a couch." He casually says walking right past me and taking a seat. I stand there, looking at him as he gets comfortable, trying to comprehend how the fuck is there a couch in the middle of a roof.
"How-"
"I don't know." He doesn't let me finish. "I just found it here."
"How did you find this place?" I can't move my eyes from the sky, not even to look at Minho. I've been to many rooftops, searching for the perfect illusion of uncaged freedom and complete quiet yet this must be one of the best ones.
"By accident." He mumbles. I feel his eyes on me as I move around, walking a little closer to where he's sitting, still admiring the night sky. I send him a look, knowing there's more to the story.
He clicks his tongue. "I was dealing some weed in the alley."
My eyes slightly widen, and I shake my head a little. "Are you dealing?" I lower my tone, even though I know none can possibly hear us up here.
"I was when I was 16." He wears a smug expression.
I move to the couch with slow steps, avoiding his eyes as I take a sit as far from where he sits as possible. "Why?" I dare to ask.
His eyebrows twitch. "I was trying to make money to help my mum leave him." He keeps his eyes on me as he speaks, waiting to catch any reaction probably and I know that by 'him' he's referring to his father. It's still a shock to me how he opened up about his past that night, the look in his eyes was so genuine and my heart ached more with each word of his. I think that that was the night he invaded my mind completely. I wish I could be this honest with him as well.
I get comfortable, pulling my knees to my chest. "I like writing."
He tilts his head, intrigued. "What?"
"I'm extremely bad at singing but I love writing music." I continue, not really thinking, I just let the words pour out of my mouth. "I love baking and taking photos. Actually, I always carry my camera with me cause I find inspiration literally anywhere. I'm obsessed with books and movies, anything really that helps me escape reality. I love dogs and grew up with 3, and 2 cats. I'm allergic to raisins and my favorite color is green." I turn to face him. The way he looks at me makes my breath stop for a split second. His dark eyes, draw invisible lines across my face moving everywhere, studying. He has his arm resting on the back of the couch, his whole body facing mine, as though he's giving every bit of his attention.
"What are you doing?" He mutters.
"I'm happy you shared your past with me that night." I offer him a tiny nod, thanking him in a way. "I'm forever grateful for the people I have around me and the love I have for them is greater than the one I'll ever have for myself but still I can't bring myself, to be honest with them. With anyone actually." I shallow. "The thing that I'm scared of the most is being defined by my past. And my past is a huge weight that I force myself to silently carry every day up until now, never really accepting it. Thank you for opening up to me, it meant a lot. I really wanna do the same, but it's kinda hard. So I'm starting with the easier things."
His lips part, blinking as if he's lost in thought. If my mind weren't so intoxicated I would be a ball of shame right now but instead, my chest fills with courage. "What?" I chuckle at his silence.
He shakes his head, and I can almost see him shaking away whatever he was thinking or wanted to say. "How would you describe me in one word?" He says.
I push my lips together, his question sparking excitement inside me. I take a moment to think, I want to answer right cause questions like this tend to go deeper than it seems. But my answer isn't thoughtful at all, it was the first thing I thought about him when I first saw him.
"Magnetic." I truthfully whisper.
His eyebrows shoot up, a softness overtakes his gaze and for some reason, I feel the need to elaborate.
"There's just something about you that's," I pause searching for the right word. " interesting. You pull me in in ways that I can't really explain and I find myself wanting to know more and more about you." I shock myself with the boldness of my words but I honestly don't know when I'll ever have an opportunity like this.
He seems shocked as well. Simply blinking at me, his face so beautifully natural with all the emotion coming only from his eyes.
"Why?" He murmurs.
"Why what?"
He drops his gaze. " Why do you think about me like that?"
"I don't know, I just do." I shrug. It's the first time I've heard his tone so.. doubtful. "How would you describe me in one word?"
"One word isn't enough to describe you, angel." He muses, a slight smirk on his face.
You quirk up an eyebrow at his smooth attempt, even though your stomach twists at his words. "You're avoiding the question."
His teeth make an appearance, capturing his bottom lip as he smiles with a small headshake. He pulls out his pack of cigarettes and pulls one out with his teeth. My eyes catch the action and I'm trying not to focus on his lips but that must be one of the hottest things I've ever seen. He doesn't waste any time, lighting the tip and inhaling like it's his oxygen. He exhales, the smoke blending with the night breeze.
"Can I have one?"
"No." He exhales again.
I pout. "Why can you smoke and I can't?"
He wets his lips, the hand that holds the cigarette hanging over the back of the couch. "Smoking isn't good for you."
I let out a laugh at the irony. "Why do you smoke then?"
"I deeply enjoy fucking myself up." He grins.
I narrow my eyes at him playfully. "That's a convenient excuse." My eyes fall to the pack that's resting on top of his thigh and I reach for it. His eyes catch my action but I'm faster.
"Y/n." He warns.
I open the pack, making sure to maintain eye contact. His eyes harden, as I reach for the cigarette right in the middle and pull it out with my teeth, just like he did. I take it in my hand and reach inside my bag that's laying on the floor near the couch, searching for a pen.
"I don't know if you know but Chan smokes quite a lot as well," I say as I bite the cup of the pen open. "I tried a lot of things to make him quit, but none of them worked. Long-term at least." He observes me quietly. "So, we made a deal to always buy a pack together and only smoke when we're with each other." I start writing on the cigarette as gently as I can. "I would also mark the cigarettes so I'd know if he'd smoke alone, or more than he should."
I admire my sloppy handwriting. Angel.
"Here." I turn it over for him to see.
His eyes read the word silently, and a huge grin breaks out on his lips. "I knew you liked it when I call you that." His tone teases me as he leans closer.
I place the cigarette back in the pack. "Leave this cigarette for last, we're gonna smoke it together. Let's see how long it we'll take for you to finish the pack." I give it back to him.
His eyes spark with something; excitement maybe and he reaches for my ankle. With a sharp move, he pulls me to him, a gasp of surprise leaving my lips. "That will only make me wanna smoke the pack faster." He drawls.
I'm utterly stunned by his action, his hand still wrapped around my ankle that's now laying on his thigh while my other leg is trapped in the small space left between our bodies. A weird sensation washes over my body, the closer I get to his or the minute he touches me, an unexplainable rush of heat and desire that makes me want nothing more than to beg for his touch.
"Why are you playing with me?" The question finally leaves my lips.
He takes a drag of his remaining cigarette, the smoke hitting my face immediately now that I'm this close to him. "Cause you're the most interesting person I've ever met." His words come out unexpectedly, snapping my gaze to his. "You're bright and I feel like I've been living in the darkness so long that my body is just drawn to you." He tilts his chin down, staring deep into my eyes like he's making sure his words reach me in the deepest way possible.
"You say that but you do everything to avoid me." I hate that his words have such an effect on me. "I know that the next time we'll see each other it will be like this never happened. " I add quietly.
"I'm not-" He stops himself and inhales sharply. "Relationships, commitment, and shit like that; it's not my thing."
I try not to show the unexpected disappointment that filled my chest at his statement, letting him continue.
"I have too much baggage." He faces away from me. "It would be unfair to anyone; especially you."
"Have you ever been in a relationship?" I ask.
"To be honest I never wanted to be in one." He scratches the back of his head. "It's too much work and I never felt the need to bother, I'm fine with just fucking around."
The use of present tense felt like a punch to the stomach. Even though he never said it before, his actions and the way he cared for himself generally made it pretty obvious and I knew deep inside that he wouldn't want anything serious. On the other hand, I was never one to play like that. I could only fuck around with people that didn't really interest me on a deeper level, yet I would still feel the need to attach myself to someone. Ever since I was young I remember craving the security of a relationship, the need to be loved and reinsured of my worth. I know that that was a huge part of why I stayed with Jackson, I wasn't strong enough to leave, and I was scared to be by myself.
"Then why am I here?" I question, hoping for a better answer this time. If he doesn't want anything from me, why does he keep coming after me?
He smirks. "Valid point."
A soft smile overtakes my lips against my will and I rest my chin on my bent knee between us. Maybe it's the alcohol or the way his big, brown eyes have softened, looking into my green ones or it could be the unexplainable peace his presents bring me in this exact moment. Either way, I don't think the words that come out of my mouth.
"Do you wanna kiss me?"
He stills. "I wanna do many things to you." His voice deep and dangerously calm.
I can feel my mouth watering, just at the thought. "Then why don't you?" I press.
His lips come together in a thin line, his eyes serious and dark, flickering from my eyes to my lips. "Cause I won't stop."
I look at him through my lashes, completely magnetized by his lips. "What if I don't want you to stop?"
A soft grunt leaves his lips and I move closer, just a little bit until my mouth hovers over his. It takes one look, I look up to his wild eyes and in a split second, with a loud exhale of his, his lips crashed into mine, knocking the air out of my chest. His hands find my jaw immediately, tilting my head upwards and I waste no time opening my mouth, allowing his tongue to brush mine hungrily. My hand tugs at his shirt, pulling him closer as our mouths dance together. My head begins to spin and I can feel the arousal poking in my stomach as his soft lips roughly devour mine. His hand travels from my jaw down to the sides of my neck, slowly making his way down my body. A pathetic moan leaves me as his wandering hands find the curve of my ass. He groans against my lips, pulling me in a shift move to straddle him, not breaking the kiss. My fingers bury themselves in his hair, tugging hard at the roots for resistance as the kiss turns into a sloppy battle. Sharp breaths and wet sounds fill the air. His hands feel rough against my body, squeezing hard everywhere they can until they fall to my ass once again, gripping it tight, pushing my hips down to his crotch. The outline of his growing member brushes against my clothed core and my body sparks with desire and need. I take his bottom lip between my teeth, getting a chance to catch my breath as I keep brushing my hips against his.
"Fuck." He groans against my lips, slightly thrusting up to meet my hips, impatiently.
"See," I breathe out, my heart pounding in my ears. "that wasn't so hard was it?"
His eyes flash with hunger and his hand wraps around my neck. "It's actually really, really hard." He nods down to his dick.
A chuckle escapes my swollen lips, and I lean in to brush my nose against his. His breathing is hard as well, pants of air fan my face, the taste of his cigarette still tingling against the tip of my tongue but I can't help but crave more. I pull away slightly, letting myself save this moment in my memories the best way that I can. I lightly rest my hand on the side of his head, trailing my nails along his jawline, and studying his injured face. The blood from the corner of his lip has almost dried and the bruises along his cheekbone and jaw are getting darker with each hour passing. And just like that I'm forcefully pulled back to reality and reminded of what is waiting for me tomorrow morning. I know Jackson too well and he won't let go of something like this so easily. If I'm being honest I don't really care about myself, in a weird way I feel safe that Jackson won't do anything directly to me, he rather goes about it with the people surrounding me, and right now Minho's the biggest target of all of them. The last thing I want is for Jackson to mess anything up for him.
He moves his hips smoothly yet again, gaining back my attention and pulling me out of my thoughts. My hand is still ghosting over his jaw and I sigh letting my eyes memorize every part of his face. Truth is; I don't wanna lose this moment.
"What is it, angel?" The gentleness of his tone surprises me.
My shoulders shrug. "Just thinking."
His hands run along the sides of my waist, in such a comforting way that I wanna lay on his chest and shut out the whole word for as long as I can. He seems to understand what I mean, not asking me to elaborate more, instead, he lifts a hand to the side of my face forcing my gaze back to his.
His fingertips brush a few curls away from my face. "I love your hair."
I roll my eyes at him, his random compliment lifting the heaviness of the situation off my chest just enough. "I don't."
Silence falls upon us yet again, his effort of conversation not being enough to distract my mind. I'm actually surprised he even tried to start a conversation at all, that's a first.
"Favourite song?" He offers, trying again. His gaze, surprisingly light.
" 'Yellow' by Coldplay ." I blink at him, offering him the first song that came to my mind. "Yours?"
He pushes his lips together, nodding approvingly. "Probably, 'Consume' chase Atlantic." He says without thinking. "Right now at least."
"Obviously." I giggle. He looks like a Chase Atlantic song.
He narrows his eyes playfully "Basic?"
"Predictable." I correct him, even though this man is nothing but predictable.
"Can I ask you-"
"I have something-."
We both say at the same time. Our eyes meet and we let out a small laugh. Suddenly I'm aware of how close we are. I'm aware of my body on top of him and his hands on my waist.
"You go first." I clear my throat and slide off him. His hand grips my legs, keeping them in his lap. He shoots me a confused look but says nothing nevertheless.
'You said that you don't know anything about me but in reality, you know a lot more than I do about you." He says, and it is true.
"I have a hard time opening up to people because..."
"Because?"
"Because they never stick around for long. You want me to open up to you when I don't even know If you're going to talk to me tomorrow." I say seriously but with a small laugh.
He nods his head a few times, understanding what I was saying and not arguing about which makes me a little sad. "Okay, I respect that. Since you don't wanna talk about your past, I'll have to find other ways to get to know you."
I seal my lips together, trying to stop them from forming a smile. He always says shit like this that makes me warm inside. "Like?"
His hand that's resting on my ankle, starts making its way up my leg, his fingers brushing my skin gently. "Like explore other sides of you that will show me who you truly are." His voice drops as his hand reaches my exposed thigh, his face inches away from mine once again. "Your dreams, your goals, your wants and needs." He dives slowly into the curve between my jaw and neck, attaching his lips lightly right below my ear but it's enough to make my breathing uneven.
"A-and how would you do that?"
His eyes darken. "I can think of a few ways." He studies my face, his eyes roaming everywhere. "Dance for me." He whispers.
I feel my face getting hot. "No." I drop his gaze.
"Come on angel." His index finger lifted my jaw to look back at him.
"I can't."
"Yes, you can." He nods. "It's all in here." He points at the side of my head. "Don't let it block you. Express yourself." The sweetness in his tone made my tensed shoulders drop and relax and the look in his big eyes filled me with reinsurance.
"If you sing, I'll dance." My voice falters.
He tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. "Deal."
"Okay." I lift myself off the couch hesitantly, tugging my dress down. I mentally thank myself for not forgetting to wear shorts underneath, after all the times that I humiliated myself at parties and flashed my underwear at everyone. I take my boots off, kicking them to the side, leaving me in my socks. I test the cold surface of the ground with my feet, taking a few steps forwards, twisting my feet, pointing, and flexing. I look at Minho over my shoulder; he has leaned back, with his leg spread apart and his arms crossed over his chest, looking at me. As if he's waiting for me to crawl his way, and heat spreads across my face once again at the thought. What makes me feel even more embarrassed is the fact that I would crawl for him, if he asked.
"Ready?" He pulls out his phone, and seconds later the intro of "Yellow" begins playing.
I bit my lip, filling my chest with as much air as I can inhale, getting my body and mind ready. I close my eyes, not knowing where to start, I let the music fill my ears hoping for my limps to move by themselves and the minute the lyrics begin, Minho's voice fills the air. The sound is almost angelic, tickling my ears in the most pleasurable way, it's unlike anything I've ever heard. I don't open my eyes as he sings along to the beautiful words of the song, instead, I let myself be fully open and let his voice reach me. And it does. My feet begin to move, and my body follows, with absolutely no choreography in mind, I let the music guide me, I let his voice guide me. I keep my eyes closed as I turn, keeping my right leg perfectly straight and then lift myself into a reverse jump. I don't keep my hands gentle instead my movements are rough, I twist and fall to the ground, and I turn and jump, letting my emotions take over my body completely. I don't know how but I find myself not thinking about anything and that paints a smile on my lips, cause I feel my chest lighter. My breathing comes out short but I don't stop, I push my body harder, and I dance like I haven't in so long. I don't even know how long has passed but I hear the music coming to a stop and I force my body to slow down. I rest my hands on my knees to catch my breath, feeling drops of sweat down the sides of my face and neck and the familiar burning in my throat and stomach. I let out a small laugh at the familiar sensation and lift my eyes to Minho. He's frozen, exactly how I left him, his eyes, big and full of emotion, he looks at me like a movie he hasn't seen in ages and was his favorite. He looks at me in a way that none's ever looked at me before.
"What?" I breathe out after a few seconds of silence.
"I-" He shakes his head, searching for the words. "I missed you." He says so quietly, I hardly heard him.
"What?" I say again, confused. He missed me? What does that even mean?
He puts his hand out, open for me to take. I look at it for a few seconds before walking towards him. I place my hand over his and his fingers immediately curl around it, pulling me even closer. He lifts himself off the couch, towering over me in a second and I lift my gaze to meet his.
He brings his free hand to my cheek. "You were beautiful."
I try to wrap my mind around this moment, the past few hours but I can't. All I know is that I feel whole again, my heart feels full, and my mind peaceful. I don't know how we got here and I don't care what will happen after we leave, all I know is that; he can't take this moment away from me.
He lets out a sigh. "We should get going."
My face falls. I don't wanna leave, I don't wanna go back. "Okay."
"Come on." He nods his head towards the way down. He picks up my bag from the floor and walks towards the stairs. I turn around to take one last look at the sky, letting the image soak in before following him down.
"I got you." He holds his hands open as I take the last steps of the stairs just in case, but my feet reach the ground safely.
We walk to the car in silence as expected. I don't know what to say either. What can I say? Now that we left the rooftop somehow this feels weird. He opens my door and walks to his side of the car without sparing me a single look. Great. I get inside, making sure to slam the door shut, and let out a sigh.
"Are you taking me home?" I question as we pull out of the alley and back into the main road.
He rubs his bottom lip with his finger, elbow resting at the open window. "I mean, yeah." He hesitantly says. "Are you- um, are you hungry or something?" he asks, fumbling over his words.
"No thank you." I let out a low chuckle at his sudden nervousness.
He turns to look at me, keeping his eyes on me instead of the road for a little too long. "What?" My tone louder than before, as I switch my gaze from him to the road. "Focus on the road!"
"Maybe we should stop for a quick bite." He turns back to the road.
"I told you I'm not hungry." I mumble.
"Mhm," He nods. "I heard you. "
"Minho, I just wanna go home." I quickly say, starting to get a bit anxious. Which he notices.
"Just so you know, I 've gotten through what you're going through." He lowers his tone. I look out of the window, noticing that he takes the familiar path towards my apartment.
"I don't wanna know what you're talking about." I cut him sharply.
He clicks his tongue. "Okay then. " He seems to take the message and drops the subject. I bet Chan must have said something to him about it, which immediately pisses me off.
The car comes to a stop, and before I can realize it we're outside my apartment.
"Thanks for tonight." I clear my throat. "For all of it."
He lays his head back, his hair falling perfectly into his eyes. "Anytime angel." He smirks.
I bring my lips to a tight line, trying to stop myself but I can't. I inch forward, placing my hand on his thigh for support, and quickly without giving myself time to think about it, I connect my lips to his. I feel him inhale sharply, not expecting the kiss but he responded immediately, cupping my jaw. Our lips move together perfectly, leaving the sweetest taste on my tongue as I force myself to pull away.
"Don't be a stranger." I bump my nose into his.
He doesn't say anything back, instead, he watches me get out of his car and inside the building before he drives off. I take big, fast steps towards the door of the apartment and fumble with my keys as I open it. I slam the door shut, resting my back against it. My heart is drumming in my chest and I place my hand over it, taking a few deep breaths. I don't know if after tonight I can go back to acting like nothing is happening between us. I can't go back to ignoring him and fighting all the time. I want him. And most importantly I want him to want me. I get undressed for the second time tonight, not bothering to check if Emma's back or not before burning myself under the sheets. I don't want to fall asleep cause I didn't want this night to come to an end. I didn't want reality to creep into my life again. But all good things must come to an end, I guess.
WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self-harm, eating disorders etc.. mentions of blood, swearing, smoking, smut [ dirty talk, oral; giving and receiving, choking, spanking, praising, degradation, pet names, sometimes Minho is a dick :)
SUMMARY: "Do you remember what you told me the first time we met?"
"What?"
"You said; Always leave people a little better than you found them" he looked at the floor with a small smile for a few seconds and then his eyes found mine.
"You really annoyed me when we first met. I envied your optimism and excitement for life. But each time I saw you, I felt a certain thrill. You made me angry, you made me laugh., you made me feel everything. Something about you made me feel a little more alive each time. I know I fucked up and I know I'm an asshole but I'm also brutally in love with you."
I used to think that I couldn't hate myself more, yet in this moment I absolutely despise me. I can't even begin to count the times I've regretted the words that had come out of my mouth, but this one's definitely one of my top 5. I overstepped, I went too far. Yet I can't bring myself to do anything about it. I didn't follow him, my legs froze in place and half an hour later I'm still here, sitting on the floor near the door, where he left me. As if not moving will make him come back. I know when I have fucked up and I'm pretty sure that he's not the type of person that will sit and listen to my stupid apology. Still, I toy with my phone, my thumb playing with the call button. My chest feels surprisingly heavy and I don't really know why. Another silent tear slides down my cheek, my face numb at this point. Everything feels numb, so numb and hazy that the loud knocks on the door are like background noise to my ears. I keep my head facing the kitchen and my knees to my chest but the sound of keys fumbling together snaps me out of my haze. The door opens just as my head turns to the right, and my eyes stop at Chan's face. Drops of sweat are falling down the sides of his face, his lips slightly open with big exhales of air coming out of them, and his eyes holding an almost fanatic look. It was enough to bring me back to reality, and I broke out in a sob. He falls to his knees immediately and pulls me to his chest. The tears come down my face uncontrollably, dumping his shirt.
"Shhhh," He pats my head. " hey, hey I'm here."
But I cry harder and I bury my face deeper into his neck, hoping for the heaviness in my chest to be gone.
. * .♥︎ * ･ ｡ﾟ. ♥︎* ･ ｡ﾟ. * ･♥︎ ｡ﾟ. * ･ ♥︎｡ﾟ
"Thanks." I wrap my hand around the hot cup of tea, the burning sensation that spreads across my fingers feels comforting in a way. Chan takes a seat next to me on the couch. I don't know how long we stayed on the floor, I lost touch with everything and simply cried.
He rests his elbows on his knees, sighing. "Y/n, what's wrong?"
I bring the cup to my lips thinking of all the possible ways I could answer this question. "Nothing."
"Don't give me that." He shakes his head. " Don't give me that shit. Speak." His tone turns serious. "I wanna know what the hell is going on with you, with Jackson, with Minho, with everything."
"So you know." I drop my eyes to the cup. "Is that why you came?"
"No, I didn't know actually. When he called I wasn't in the room. Hyunjin told Minho and Minho told me just an hour ago." His face holds a disappointed expression.
So Minho must've called him after he left. Is this his way of getting back at me? Telling Chan? Great fucking move.
"You all wanted to go to the club." I shrug, giving him the best response I can think of.
"So?" His eyebrows come together. "If you or Hyunjin had told me that the only way to get in was through that asshole I would've figured out something else for us to do."
"Yeah but- "
"No," he scoffs. " no, 'cause this wasn't about the club and you know it. This was about you."
I close my eyes, running my free hand through my hair. I hate how well he knows me.
"You wanted to see him." He narrows his eyes.
"Fine. Yes, I did." I admit out loud. "I wanted to have one last talk with him and be completely done with this relationship cause it's been fucking with my head for a year now."
"Why?" He says frustrated. "He cheated, he was an ass, I get it, but it's been a year."
I look at him dead in the eyes. " You don't know how our relationship was." I'm careful with my words, dragging them out slowly.
He pauses. " What do you mean? Is there something I need to know?"
Yes. So much.
"Just unnecessary details. Emotional manipulation. horrible behavior, no respect. Nothing new. Nothing you need to know." I avoid the question. "But it still was a lot 'cause I did love him."
He shakes his head like my words are making him physically sick. "So you went over there for what?"
Here we go again. Same conversation.
"Closure, I guess?" I blink several times, trying to answer truthfully.
"And you got what you wanted?" I can hear the irony in his tone.
"I didn't know he was gonna react like that." I sigh.
He rolls his eyes. "He fucked you up and after a year without him, you went back for closure?" He lets out a sharp laugh. "And you excepted anything good to come out of that?"
I pinch the bridge of my nose. " I can't do this for a second time, honestly."
His face twitches with confusion. "What do you mean?"
"Your friend had some strong opinions about my love life as well and listen," I put the cup on the coffee table and turn to him. " I appreciate the concern, truly. But I'm not a child. I can make my own decisions without having people scolding me for it."
His eyes move around the room like he's thinking. "Minho? He came here?"
I wanna be honest with him. "Yes."
"Are you guys like...?" He's almost scared to ask.
"No." I laugh. "Nothing has even happened."
"Then why-"
"I don't know Chan. I don't know why he's acting like he cares when he doesn't." My chest begins to fill with frustration once again.
He studies my face carefully. "Do you care about him?"
That's a question I've been avoiding asking myself as well. I know I'm not in a position to let myself get hurt again but at the same time, I know me. And I can't deny the fact that he's been on my mind since the day I saw him again.
I look away from him. "Do you not want me to care about him?"
"I don't want you to get hurt." He answers instead.
I take a breath and turn to look at him. "Is he gonna hurt me?" I search his eyes for the truth, silently praying for him to say no.
He pulls me to his chest and plants a kiss at the top of my head. "You care." He says in an almost sad tone.
"Yeah," I sniff, tears building in my eyes once again. "yeah I do."
. * .♥︎ * ･ ｡ﾟ. ♥︎* ･ ｡ﾟ. * ･♥︎ ｡ﾟ. * ･ ♥︎｡ﾟ
We arrived at the frat half an hour before the party started to help the boys set up everything. The 'farewell' party is a big deal around campus and is always one of the biggest parties. The guys are super happy that they're the ones hosting it this year and they want everything to be perfect. Everyone started arriving a little after 10 and it took less than an hour for the house to be full of college students.
"Another one!" Kai shouts, pouring us another shot.
"I can't, I already feel like I'm gonna throw up." I giggle. We had 6 shots straight.
"Come on! " Felix lifts his shot glass up. "To the farewell party! " He yells and everyone around us lifts their drinks, the whole house starts cheering and we drown our 7th shot.
"I'm gonna be wasted by the end of the night, just watch." I comment, reaching for some water, feeling the alcohol burning my throat.
Kai lets out a laugh. "You're fun when you're drunk though."
"I've had my moments, yes." I've been blacked out drunk in this house more times than I can count and in frat houses in general cause one of the perks of hanging out with frat boys is going to parties literally every weekend. "I've never seen you drunk though." I point at his chest with my finger. I feel the alcohol slowly starting to kick in, the heat overtaking my face and my anxiety being replaced with confidence.
"I don't drink that much." He looks down at me with a half smile.
"Maybe today's the day." I shrug. "You know, to let loose and have fun." I push at his side with my shoulder.
"Fun?" His smile widens. "Like what?"
"Like drinking and dancing and singing your heart out." I move my hands around the room, stating the obvious.
"I don't dance." He shakes his head.
I lift my eyebrows. "What do you mean you don't dance?"
"I just don't."
I drink the rest of my water and reach for his hand. "Let's go."
. * .♥︎ * ･ ｡ﾟ. ♥︎* ･ ｡ﾟ. * ･♥︎ ｡ﾟ. * ･ ♥︎｡ﾟ
The room is getting hot yet I continued to move my body to the music. I've let the alcohol take over most parts of my brain except the ones that search for Minho. I find myself searching the crowd or looking at the entrance of the house so many times that it's actually embarrassing but at some point, I saw their group arrive. He entered the frat and squeezed his way through the sweated bodies with Jisung right behind him, their hands intertwined, rolling his eyes a few times at the girls that would drunkenly bump into him and I'd be lying if I said that the way he showed absolutely no interest towards any female whatsoever, didn't bring a small smile on my face. But I forced my legs to stay rooted when in reality all I wanted to do was go to him, pull him away from everyone and simply talk. I just wanna talk to him. I quickly lost sight of him, like always at parties but tonight I promised myself that I wouldn't let him ruin my night nor I would let my mind think too much about where he is. Instead, I throw myself on the dance floor alongside Kai and Hyunjin, and Emma and Seungmin quickly joined us. It's one of the very few times that Emma is actually drunk. She's dancing and twerking and grinding against Seungmin like crazy. Kai cleans up well, considering that he's dancing amongst dancers and his confidence grows quickly, with each passing minute that we're dancing. There are so many people that it's hard to not be squished into each other's bodies but none really cares. Every single person in this room is completely lost in their own word. Drunk and careless, dancing and making out, tonight is the night that everyone is going crazy. At some point, Kai's hands find my hips from behind. His touch is soft, hesitant almost but I continue to dance against him, not really thinking anything of it cause I'm so used to dancing with Hyunjin and Felix. The songs change from slow to fast and we move together, closer and closer until our bodies are completely pressed against each other. His hands move around, exploring up and down, his grip tightening at certain movements or places and I find myself unconsciously pushing my ass against him more and more, my mind clearly not catching up with my actions. I close my eyes and throw my head back, swinging my hips as the music guides them. His face drops to my neck, his hot breath leaving a tingling sensation on my skin and I turn my face slightly, careful not to bump into his but I regret opening my eyes the minute I do. Cause even though there are almost 100 people in this house my eyes find his in a second, already looking at me. Time froze, everything and everyone going still, fading away and I hold my breath when my eyes fall on the girl in front of him that has her arms around his neck and her face so close to him, almost as close as mine was the last time I saw him. My eyes are completely frozen on the image in front of me, yet I keep moving my body, trying to appear unphased but my stomach turns in the worst way possible. He held my eyes in a captivating way and I couldn't look away. I watch as he wraps his hands around her waist, letting her move against him in a way that awakens a burning feeling deep inside me. I tightened my jaw, my teeth coming together, trying desperately to strip my face from any sign that what I'm seeing is bothering me to a dangerous point, and kept my hips moving against Kai even more. His lips touched my neck and Minho's eyes caught the movement, leaving mine for a split second. He pulled the girl closer, his grip on her hips tightening. If the music wasn't so loud I'm pretty sure I would be able to hear how fast my heart is beating right now. Kai's hands move around my body, his lips leaving kisses on my neck as he keeps pressing his hips to my ass but all I can focus on is how Minho's doing the exact same thing. To another girl. It shouldn't bother me, I know it shouldn't. But it does. My body begins to slow down, my head buzzing and my eyes are completely glued to them. I begin to get aware of how hot it's in here and how many people are around. My stomach tightens, and the feeling of disgust showers me from head to toe when she tilts her head upwards and he leans in closer, not breaking our eye contact. I feel myself getting actually sick, all the alcohol rushing up and I pull away from Kai. I bring a hand to my mouth, pushing through everyone and running up the stairs as fast as I can. I hear my name being yelled as I reach the top of the stairs where the music isn't as loud and I feel someone behind me as I push the bathroom door open with my body. I drop to my knees and begin to vomit in the toilet. I feel my hair being pulled back and a person, dropping to their knees behind me.
"It's fine, it's fine I got you." I recognize Hyunjin's voice. He holds my hair back with one hand while the other rubs circles on my back as I keep vomiting all the alcohol that I consumed within the last hours.
I take a breath, resting my head on the side of the toilet. Hyunjin reaches for some toilet paper and cleans my mouth. "Well, it's been a while since we did that." He jokes.
"I'm gonna kill him." I mumble.
Hyunjin lifts himself up and throws the paper away. He reaches down, his hands coming around my waist to slowly lift me to my feet. "Who?"
"I like him." I whine, holding on to his shirt, trying to find my balance.
He shakes his head confused. "Who?" he repeats.
I bring my finger to my lips. "Shh, I can't tell you. It's a secret."
He rolls his eyes. "Come on, let's go back to the party," He opens the door. " and no more drinking for you."
I pout but I let him drag me by the hand down the stairs and into the kitchen. He fills up a cup with water and hands it to me. "Drink this and wait here, I'll go get Chan so he can drive you back home." I nod, drinking the water slowly. I wanna get out of here right this second, 'cause if I don't then, knowing myself, I'll probably do something stupid. I shake my head, trying to get the image of him with that girl out of my mind, but it's all I can see. In all honesty, I didn't think that it would hurt me to see him with another person as much as it did cause at the end of the day, he's not mine and I'm not his. He's probably fucking around, sleeping with a different girl every day as far as I know. I can't blame him for anything really cause it's completely my fault. it's weird how much I've attached myself to the idea of him even though in reality, I don't even know him. I feel like I do, but I don't. And it looks like I never will. It seems like a losing game already and we haven't even kissed. This needs to stop.
I walk a little further out of the kitchen, just wanting to check, but there's no sign of him. I move towards the dance floor, squeezing my way through. I ignore the growing embarrassment inside me as I search the house for any sign of him or her. I bump into bodies and bodies, pushing my way through each hallway and living area. I make a full circle of the bottom floor and reach the stairs. I shake my head at the way I'm feeling right now cause I know I shouldn't feel this way, I'm not allowed to. I swallow my pride and walk back to the kitchen. I need to get out of here.
I take a seat on one of the stools and open my phone to text Chan that I wanna leave. I know that he'll probably not answer but I decide to wait a few minutes anyway.
"What's wrong?" I flinch forward, his breath hits my ear sending chills down my spine. I turn a bit to the left, my face only a few centimeters away from his. He stands behind me, his hands resting on each side of the counter, trapping me. Jackson's lips curve into a small smile. "Are you not enjoying yourself?"
I lower my gaze and turn to face forward. I can't deal with this right now, I just wanna go home. I check my phone to see if Chan has answered me, choosing to ignore him, at which he scoffs and moves to stand in front of me, with his hands resting on the counter.
I narrow my eyes at him, my eyebrow frowning. " What are you doing here?"
"Watching you." His smile grows. "You look stunning by the way."
I roll my eyes at his pathetic attempt. " Leave me alone." I look back down at my phone, at my still unanswered message to Chan. Where is everyone? I rest my fingers on my temple trying to make my head spin less and focus more. God, I feel like I'm gonna throw up again.
"You wanna go?" He nods to my phone.
"I'm not going anywhere with you. I rather crawl back home."
He smiles. "Okay, how about I get Mark to take you home? I know that there's no way you're getting in a car with me but you don't look well and I wanna make sure you get home safe since your boyfriend is too busy fucking someone else and your friends too drunk to do it."
Even in my drunken state, I can tell that he's trying to play nice just so that he can manipulate me, I know I shouldn't trust a single thing that comes out of his mouth and I don't. But I really need to go home. I don't wanna see Minho come down the stairs, knowing what he was doing this whole time. I drank too much and my emotions are taking over me completely. Mark is probably his only friend that I don't hate. He's actually decent and had been nice to me throughout our relationship.
"Okay." I say, my tone dropping so low, sounding almost defeated. I know that I'll probably regret this later and god help me if anyone finds out.
"Come on." He offers me his hand. I stare at it briefly before getting up and walking past him.
He catches up with me quickly. "Mark!" He screams over the loud music and Mark's head snaps in our direction from his position on the couch. Jackson yells for him to come over and he gets off the couch immediately, walking towards us. "Can you take her home? She's not feeling well."
Mark looks between us, his eyes staying on me a little longer. " Yeah, sure." He turns back to him.
"Text me when you get home?" Jackson asks me.
I scoff a laugh. " No"
Mark gives Jackson a pat on the shoulder. " I'll text you when I drop her off."
I turn to follow Mark towards the exit of the house when I feel a grip on my elbow, spinning me back around.
"Where are you going?" Minho's eyes, wilder than I've ever seen them, move from Mark to Jackson and then back to me. His hair is a bit messier and his face, flushed. I'm definitely gonna be sick again.
"Leaving." I sharply pull my elbow out of his grip and watch as his eyes move from side to side, his body pausing at my sudden actions.
"We're taking her home." Jackson's voice drips with pride, a smirk playing on his lips.
Minho's gaze doesn't move from my face, frozen, completely, and utterly focused but his tongue runs over his bottom teeth, poking the inside of his cheeks.
"I'll take you home, come on." He reaches for me but I quickly move away.
"We got her." Jackson chuckles and pats Minho's back. Minhos's face hardens, eyes going darker than I thought possible, and body visibly stiffening. My eyes immediately drop to his left hand that clenches and unclenches and back to Jackson's smug expression.
Minho shakes his shoulder with force causing Jackson's hand to drop. His eyes don't move an inch from my face as he forces the words through his clenched teeth. "Y/n." His features twitch with anger. " You are coming with me."
"Dude- " Jackson goes to touch his shoulder again but in a split second Minho loses all the chill he was trying to keep and his right comes up to Jackson's chest pushing him backwards, making him lose his balance at the sudden force. I inch forward quickly to go between them, not wanting to cause a scene or draw any attention to us but Mark moves faster.
"Okay," He steps between them just as Jackson was about to reach forward for Minho. "That's something we're not gonna do okay?" He places one hand on Jackson's chest and one on Minho's.
"Maybe I didn't make myself clear last time mate, so let me say it once more." Minho tries to push past Mark's hand, but I grab his forearm, trying to keep him back somehow. "Stay the fuck away from her or help me god, I'll make sure you can never walk again." He spits.
Anger overtakes Jackson's face. "I'll do whatever the fuck I want with her 'cause last time I checked she is not your bitch."
Minho's eyes flashed with rage and his body shook slightly under my grip. "Call her a bitch one more time, I fucking dare you."
"Hey!" I yell stepping in front of him. " I am right here." I look between them. His eyes flicker to me, his chest rising and falling. "Stop acting like fucking children. None of you has the right to talk about me like I'm a fucking object you're passing around to each other." My chest burns with anger. The audacity both of these men have, god.
I force all the words that I wanna say directly to Minho, down my throat."I don't wanna go anywhere with you," I turn to him. "or you." I turn to Jackson. "Please leave me alone."
I turn to look at Mark. "Can you please take me home?" I think he notices the way I'm begging him with my eyes and the obvious desperation in my voice cause he gives me a silent nod before moving hesitantly from between them. I send Minho one last glare, before turning my back to them and following Mark. Neither of them, says anything or does anything to stop us, they don't even move.
I send a quick text to Chan, telling him that a friend is taking me home so he won't worry. and also informing the group chat that I left. The minute I get inside the car everything goes quiet. I give Mark my address and silence takes over us as I lay my head on the window and zoned out completely.
. * .♥︎ * ･ ｡ﾟ. ♥︎* ･ ｡ﾟ. * ･♥︎ ｡ﾟ. * ･ ♥︎｡ﾟ
It hasn't been long since I got home. I got into the shower right away, washing myself from head to toe, rubbing my skin and hair repeatedly, hoping that it'll somehow wash off all the events from the last few days. I don't know how long I stay under the water, I didn't notice the temperature dropping until my body started shivering. I took my makeup off and changed into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, not bothering to do anything for my wet hair, and walked straight into our dark, empty living room. Hopefully, Emma won't be coming home tonight and I'll have the place to myself.
I've been sitting on the couch for a few minutes now, the tv is turned off, the lights are low and I simply stare at the wall. I can still feel the alcohol tingling in my system but if I'm being honest the minute I saw his arms around her, I sobered up completely, and as the image resurfaces in my mind I can't fight it anymore. My legs move to the fridge and I grab the bottle of red wine and fall back to the couch, not bothering to grab a glass cause I know that I'll probably finish the whole bottle. I think I realized that I had a drinking problem a little after I broke up with Jackson but if I'm being honest it actually started way before that. I began getting drunk by the time I was 15, cause turning to drugs and alcohol was the easiest way to feel completely numb. It was Chan that noticed that it was getting serious. I wasn't getting wasted only at parties anymore, I would come drunk to classes at 9 in the morning and I would drink vodka out of a Sprite bottle during lunch. It was hard to stop cause it brought me so much comfort but the one thing I wanted most in the world was to succeed as a dancer. I've been doing a lot better but it's moments like these that my mouth just craves it. I'm trying to block the thoughts from my head but it's getting difficult. I don't wanna think anymore, I'm tired of thinking and living in my head. My phone rings once again but I ignore it. I don't wanna speak or see or hear anyone, I just wanna disappear, I wanna leave everything and start over. I feel so incredibly tired of what my life has become, that I crave change. I like to think that this is about Minho or Jackson or anyone else but in reality, it's about me. It's about not knowing who I truly am, it's about never really dealing with any of my problems growing up and simply carrying them inside me up until now. it's about hiding and faking everything. It's about not knowing what I wanna do with my future and not fighting for my dreams cause deep inside me I've already given up. I didn't even though that I would make it this far, yet somehow I'm still here. Barely.
Half of the bottle is gone, and I slowly feel myself falling back into the familiar place of comfort and numbness. The thoughts run through my head like a train, a fast train, heavy with baggage and unwanted memories. My mind is unable to focus on each one individually, instead, they blend in together to create a blur of emotions. Everything becomes so hazy and I start to kind of detach from what's going on, so much that the banging on the door doesn't reach my ears. Somehow I can't hear the yelling, I can't hear anything except my own thoughts as I grab the freshly rolled blunt from the coffee table and put it between my lips. I toy with the lighter, trying to keep myself from lighting it.
"Y/n!" I hear my name and my head snaps to the door which is somehow open, and Minho stands in the doorway, breathing hard. Bruises cover the right side of his face, and his bottom lip is a bit bloody.
"You've got to be fucking kidding me." I let out a laugh. "This must be a joke."
He takes a single step inside the apartment, still out of breath and I'm on my feet instantly. "No." I sharply say. He freezes. "You don't get to do that. No." I shake my head in denial, my vision getting blurry.
His whole expression shifts, it's like witnessing a mask falling. He closes his eyes, running his hands over his face. He looks relieved, still out of breath while I can bearly hold myself up. My chest fills with a ball of emotions that I can't explain.
"How did you even get in here?" I stare at him in disbelief.
"I called you a million times." His voice comes out breathy yet strong.
"And I ignored you every single one. Clearly, you didn't get the message." I feel myself getting angrier by the second. "How the fuck did you get a key to my apartment?" I feel completely and absolutely violated right now and I want him gone. I wanna be alone.
"Well, you weren't picking up your fucking phone and I got worried, so I took your key from Chan." He yells suddenly mad as well.
"You're insane you know that?" I take a few steps towards him, my anger leading the way. "Who the fuck gave you the right? Who do you think you are, huh?" I spit with all the venom I can master, cause the truth is that my heart is aching at the sight. I wanna throw myself at him and stay in his arms even if I don't even know what they feel like around me. Even though the comfort of his body is foreign to me, I somehow crave it.
The shift in his eyes tells me that my words did hurt him but he still says nothing. He stands like a statue in front of me and the more I take him in the more painful the sight is as I realize all the little injuries on his face.
I fight the urge to ask him what happened, not wanting to appear even more pathetic than I probably look now. Instead, I fire at him again. "What do you want? You hate me, and then you don't hate me. You want me, and then you don't want me. You pretend to care and then you don't. You show up at my door playing the fucking hero every time and then you go and fuck a random girl at a party right in front of me like-" I break into a pathetic, frustrated laugh. "What do you want with me? To play? To mess with my fucking head? To simply annoy the shit out of me?" I look him dead in the eyes. "Whatever the hell it is that you want I don't care. Get out." I yell, pointing at the door. "Get the hell away from me, stop forcing yourself into my life." My own voice rings in my ears, filling up the empty apartment. My chest begins to hurt and tears start falling down my cheeks before I have time to suck them back in. "I wanna be alone."
He shakes his head.
"Leave." My voice rips out of my throat.
He shakes his head again, coming closer to me. With each step, more panic rushes inside me. I try to move away from him, to take a step back, keeping my hands up in front of me. Trying to somehow protect myself from him cause I know that I shouldn't, I don't wanna give in to him, cause If I let him too close, it's over.
I try to move fast but he moves faster and wraps his arms around my body, locking me to his. "I'm not leaving alone." He whispers.
I fight. I try to push at his chest, to push him away from me but it only makes his grip tighten, and suddenly tears shower my face with absolutely no sound. I just shake.
"I wanna be alone." I sob.
"No baby you don't." He squeezes me, resting his chin on the top of my head, as I stand there, soaking his shirt, while he holds me and I find myself wanting to stay like this for as long as I can, for as long as he lets me. And I do, we stay like this, in each other’s arms for I don't know how long but for my own sake I find the strength to pull away and he lets me.
I stay close to him, his arms keeping a loose grip on my waist. I get to study his face up close and this time I can't stop myself from touching the bruise on his right cheek, that's slowly turning into a deeper shade of red. His eyes close as I trace my finger over it and it feels almost like an accomplishment, like finally petting the wild, stray dog that would not let you touch him for weeks. My body feels on edge, careful not to make the wrong move.
"What happened?" My hoarse.
He smiles a little, his whole face suddenly relaxed. "Don't worry, he looks a lot worst."
His words make my stomach drop and I close my eyes, exhaling. "Please tell me you didn't."
His smile grows. "Fuck yeah, I did."
I push at his chest, my hands immediately coming up to my face in panic. "Oh my god, Minho you did not." I can't believe him. "Oh, my god."
He pulls my hands away from my face, with an expression full of pride. "What he pulled tonight, having his best friend giving you a ride, was the last straw. He made sure all of your friends were occupied, he made sure I was occupied so that he can get into your head. Did you really think that I would let that go?" He quirked up an eyebrow.
"You didn't have to beat him up. What are you?" I argue. As much as his actions warm my chest, Minho has no idea what Jackson is capable of. I tried my best to keep him out of it and he went and got himself involved in the worst way possible.
"Stop letting him control you." He drops his chin, looking at me through his thick, long lashes. "You let him do that for way too long. It doesn't have to be this way. I know you're scared but you're not alone. " His eyes soften. "You can have so many people on your side, protecting you."
"I don't wanna be protected. I don't wanna get anyone involved. Jackson is a very powerful person." My tone turns serious, the consequences of Minho's actions already weighing down on me. "Not only he can expose me and what we had to everyone, but he can also make sure I don't get anywhere. His dad controls everything."
That seems to get his attention cause his eyebrows come together. "What do you mean?"
"His dad is the owner of team Wang, and best friends with our counselor. His company has been working with our university for years. He knows and controls everything. He can make you or break you in the industry." I explain.
"Shit." His hands come to his mouth. "I wish I cared." He breaks into a smirk and I roll my eyes, trying to keep myself from smiling at his reaction.
A moment of silence passes before I speak again. "Did you fuck her?" I avoid his eyes.
"No."
"So what then?" I shrug awkwardly.
"She tried to suck my dick." He shrugs, saying it almost like a question.
I shallower hard, lifting my chin upwards as well, trying my best to seem unphased. "Oh."
"What is it?" He inches closer. "Are you jealous, angel?" He drawled out, looking amused.
"No." I immediately say.
"Good." His fingers come up to my chin, tilting my head upwards. His eye fall to my lips for a split second. "How much have you had to drink?" He asks.
I give him a questioning look. "Not enough, why?"
Something sparks in his eyes and his lips tug into a smile that I've never seen on him before. Small, yet dangerous. "Wanna disappear for a little while?"
WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self-harm, eating disorders etc.. mentions of blood, swearing, smoking, smut [ dirty talk, oral; giving and receiving, choking, spanking, praising, degradation, pet names, sometimes Minho is a dick :)
SUMMARY: "Do you remember what you told me the first time we met?"
"What?"
"You said; Always leave people a little better than you found them" he looked at the floor with a small smile for a few seconds and then his eyes found mine.
"You really annoyed me when we first met. I envied your optimism and excitement for life. But each time I saw you, I felt a certain thrill. You made me angry, you made me laugh., you made me feel everything. Something about you made me feel a little more alive each time. I know I fucked up and I know I'm an asshole but I'm also brutally in love with you."
"Get up!" Emma tries to pull the blanket away from my body but I grip it tighter.
"No."
She narrows her eyes, her lips turning into a thin line. She looks adorable. "Get up or I'm calling Chan."
Now it's my turn to narrow my eyes at her. "Low of you to threaten me like that."
"Low of you to stay locked in your room moping over his black cat wannabe best friend rejecting you." She fires back with a smirk on her lips, knowing that her words will get a rise out of me.
I throw the blanket away. "First of all, he didn't reject me, I just realized that nothing is going to happen because I keep going after emotionally unavailable and mentally damaged men." I cross my arms. "And second, don't bring Chan into this, he's not my dad. Now please, let me mourn my failed situationship in peace."
"No." She scoffs. "I will not let you be sad about a guy, let alone a guy that you had nothing with. Get yourself together."
I sigh, pressing my fingers to my temples. For the past 4 days, I haven't left my apartment at all. I get up with a horrible headache, I clean my room, I study, I drink my coffee, I watch Netflix, I take a shower and then I lay in my bed and read until I fall asleep, which rarely happens. So every night I stay up until 5 am, thinking and analyzing everything that's happening in my life right now. Things I could have done differently or how easier my life would be if I just give up on everything and move across the world, maybe to Paris or London. I could open a small cafe, pet friendly, and live the rest of my life peacefully.
"Look babe," She takes my hand in hers and gives me a soft, comforting look. "He feels something for you, he is interested in you but I really don't think that this is something that you wanna get involved in right now." I can tell that she's trying to be really careful with her words.
I frown. "What do you mean? Do you know something I don't?"
"No, no" She shakes her head. "It's just that-" she sighs. "Look I like Minho, I have nothing against him but there are a lot of red flags, and considering your last relationship I just don't wanna see you get involved in something that I can tell it's not gonna end well and it's gonna hurt you."
My heart tightens and for a moment, just for a second, I wanna tell her everything. I wanna let her know all of the secrets I've been keeping about myself and show her the real me. But that moment is gone as fast as it came, just like every time. I completely understand where she's coming from and she's right. I need to heal and I need people in my life that know what they want and don't play games with me.
I nod my head, lifting the sleeves of my hoodie to rub my face. "I know, you're right."
She scoots next to me, wrapping her arms around my body. "Just let it be and whatever happens, happens, but you and your emotions come first alright?" She nuzzles her small face in the crook of my neck.
I nod again, silently grateful for her. I honestly don't know what I would I've done without her by my side, every fucking day. "I love you." I whisper to her and mean it.
*:･ﾟ✧ ⋆ ࣪.* ࣪
"You know, I really like Seungmin and I'm happy that you finally have a boyfriend but I've missed spreading time with you." I flip that pancake once more before stacking it on top of the rest. Emma cancelled her breakfast date with Seungmin to stay and spend the day with me, so I decided to make her breakfast. She loves pancakes. I used to love them too.
"They smell so good, oh my god." She groans above my shoulder, her face twitching with pleasure just from the scent that has now filled our small apartment.
"They're ready." I giggle, taking the plate in my hands. We make our short way to the living room and settle on the couch. While I was making the pancakes Emma made 2 coffees for both of us and cut up some fruit to go with the pancakes. She takes a seat beside me on the couch and immediately begins to assemble her plate. She spreads some Nutella before putting a few strawberries on top. I try not to look too much but I can feel my stomach growling at the sight. It has been ages since I've eaten pancakes and as I look at Emma, absolutely devouring her plate without any guilt whatsoever, the familiar feeling of jealousy starts to spread. Emma's a musical theater dancer and a really talented one. In the past year, she has also taken an interest in filmmaking but she is still a dancer nevertheless. She's a bit shorter than me, only about a few inches, and blessed with a naturally perfect body. She has never been told or needs really to go on any sort of diet, nor has she ever restricted her food choices. She, of course, tries to eat healthy just like all of us but in reality, she can eat anything she wants and not gain a single pound.
I drop my eyes. "I wish I could eat like you."
"You can." She sends me a glare.
Emma has been so supportive of me with my eating disorder and my mental health in general, but while living with another person can be helpful, it can also be really triggering at times. Seeing her have such a healthy relationship with food makes me envious but also motivates me to get through this and reach that point myself. It's just hard.
"Easier said than done."
"You're not going to be able to keep up with this much longer." She says with her mouth full. "This isn't a joke, it's what we've been working on for so long. You need to take care of your body."
"Yeah I know, I'm trying." Is all I can say once again. She holds her gaze on me a little longer, letting me know that she's tired of hearing me say that. "Let's change the subject." I clear my throat.
She swallows her last bite and puts her plate on the coffee table before she crosses her arms across her chest with a knowing smile. "Fine, let's talk about Minho."
I roll my eyes. "Pass."
"You like him?"
"Not answering that." I take a sip of my coffee, to avoid eye contact.
"You like him." She repeats, this time as a statement.
"I don't." I feel myself getting defensive for some reason. "He just seemed...interesting."
Her smile grows. "You know that, that's the same thing right?"
My phone starts ringing from the kitchen counter and I let a breath out, thankful for whoever is calling. Hyunjin's name flashes across the screen.
"Hey. " I answer, returning to the couch.
"Hello, sunshine." He greets back.
Emma touches my arm. "Who is it?"
'Hyunjin' I mouth.
"How are you?" I ask him.
"Better? I guess..." He hesitantly says. "But I'm getting there. Thanks for coming yesterday, it meant a lot."
"It was nothing, you're one of my best friends." Hyunjin was really there for me last year so the least I can do is try to be there for him just as much. "And when you feel better, we can go and beat her ass and his together. " I joke, but low-key I would have no problem doing it. Especially after finding out that it was one of Jackson's friends.
"We can do that after New Year's." He reminds me.
"Ah, yes." I bring my hand to my forehead. "I forgot about that."
"What?" Emma pulls my sleeve, trying to listen to our conversation. I hold my hand up in front of her, quietly telling her to wait at which she pouts.
"I'm gonna have to talk to him." He sighs.
"What?" My tone rises. "You?"
"Who else is gonna do it Y/n? Chan will beat the shit out of him, Felix won't even talk about it, and there's no way I'm asking Em." He sounds frustrated.
"We could just not go to that club you know," I state the obvious. "There are plenty of other clubs that we could go to."
"Yeah, but there are going to be live performances there Y/n." He whines.
Personally, I don't give a shit about the performances but everyone else wants to go and all the other clubs are going to be packed for sure, so it's gonna be hard for all 9 of us to get in.
"I could talk to him." I offer. I would actually rather not see his face ever again but I know that the only way that we could get in is if I'm the one to talk to him.
"Absolutely no." He cuts me off sharply.
"Hyunjin-"
"No," He raises his tone. "There's no way I would let you voluntarily speak to that piece of shit after everything that happened plus you know that if Chan finds out he gonna kill you and then he's gonna kill me."
It pisses me off that everyone thinks that they have to protect my feelings so badly, I appreciate it but I've been through more than they know with him. "Do you want to get in the club or not?"
He stays silent for a few seconds. "I'll figure it out. Don't do anything stupid. I'll see you at the party." He says and hangs up.
"What party?" I question out loud.
"The farewell party Y/n, focus." She laughs, already making her 3rd pancake.
"It's happening at their frat this year?" The farewell party happens every 23rd of December for the students that are leaving for the holidays and it's also a way great way to celebrate the end of the semester. Both of the times I've experienced it are incredibly memorable.
"Yep. All of the guys are super excited."
I had totally forgotten about it. "Is Seungmin coming?" I hesitantly ask but she sees right through me.
"Yes, and the rest of the boys too."
Great.
.
.
.
.
.
I groan, turning to my right side for what feels like the 100th time. It's all I've been doing for the past hour, twisting and turning around my bed, unable to sleep. My conversation with Hyunjin keeps playing over and over in my mind, and can not seem to shake the feeling that something is gonna go wrong. I understand why Hyunjin doesn't think that I should be the one to talk to Jackson and I appreciate that he tries to protect me but I know Jackson. He's sneaky and revengeful and I'm not comfortable with any of my friends talking to him, especially asking for favors. Who knows what he'll say or ask in return? I know that I have to be the one to talk to him and If anyone can get him to let us in the club, it's gonna be me. It has to.
I push the covers away, leaving the comfort of my bed. I pull a pair of sweats over my bare legs and a black hoodie before stopping at my full-length mirror across my bed to quickly check myself a bit. I rub my hands over my eyes, trying to get them to look a bit more awake and less tired and I run a hand throw my tangled hair attempting to somewhat fix it but it's useless. I open my bedroom door as quietly as I can and tiptoe across the hall. There's no light coming from Emma's door so she's probably sleeping. I put my shoes on, grab my jacket and walk out of the door trying not to make any noise.
The walk to his apartment is painfully familiar and a mix of feelings rushes through me as I make my way down the streets that a year we would walk together or I would run to get to his place as fast as I could, full of excitement to see him. I was a whole different person back then and the more I think about it the more I'm convinced that If I could speak to my past self I would definitely slap me. I'm ashamed and embarrassed by how I let myself be treated and stayed with him regardless, but the pain that he caused me changed me and looking back, I never wanna be that person again. I wanna bury the past and never have to think of it ever again, yet the memories haunt me still and the idea of what happened coming out scares me. That's why I'm now standing outside his door at 11: 46 p.m. I don't wanna be scared anymore, I want to let go of that part of myself. Minho was right, I was being weak and hiding not only from everyone else but from myself as well. I wanted to pretend that it never happened, hoping that by ignoring it, everything will go away. But everything stayed with me and ate me alive for a whole year. I need this to stop. I knock at his door twice and take a step back. The nail of my index finger scratches repeatedly the side of my thumb and my leg bunches up and down as I try to control my nerves. I haven't faced him in so long, not like this at least. I have occasionally seen him around campus, or at parties where he would approach me, but it would never be for long, someone would appear or I would leave. Now I'm the one that's coming to him. I hear noises behind the door and I take a deep breath, preparing myself.
He freezes, and his eyes widen slightly, only for a few seconds. He leans against the doorway and crosses his arms. I tighten the muscles in my jaw, not wanting my face or eyes to give out any emotion.
"I have to admit; I missed the sight of you standing in my doorway." He speaks softly. He looks like he was about to go to bed, with loose gray sweatpants hanging low on his hips and nothing to cover his well-toned upper body.
I keep my eyes on his face. "I wanna talk."
He lifts an eyebrow. "Now you wanna talk? I've been up your ass for a year." I cross my own arms as he lets his eyes travel down my body. "What do you want Y/n?"
"Can I come in?" I ask, ignoring his question.
His eyes spark and he pushes his bottom lip outwards, shrugging. He steps to the side, allowing me access to his living room that I know too well. I take a few steps into the room and study the place with my eyes. Everything looks the same, exactly as I left them. I remember the last night I was here, it was about a week before I went over to the frat house where most of his friends were staying, and ironically enough it was also where we first met back in my first year of college. We started casually hooking up until it became an everyday thing. Until he started staying the night, until we started talking after sex, until the pet names started and the dates off campus. Everyone knew we were hooking up but none knew what our actual relationship was. I never truly understood his need to keep us a secret but every fight about it would never end up changing the situation whatsoever. I don't know when the sweet moments turned into yelling, fighting, and crying. It was small things at first that my mind would not think much about, the small pushes, the slamming into walls, and breaking things near me out of anger. He was a lot, an extremely emotional person that never learned to deal with his emotions. A lot of times it felt like he just needed a person by his side to unleash all of the things that he grew up burying and most of the time I was that person. Half of our fight started from him, and my constant desire to understand him and be closer to him. But then again one thing I do best is romanticizing things. People, feelings, situations in general, everything. The moment that the realization of our situation finally sunk in was after a little more than half a year into the relationship after yet another party. I could feel his fingers on my neck for days after, his alcohol-filled breath fanning my face, and the sharp pain of the brick wall at the back of my head from the force that he pushed me to it, and everything went downhill from then and the next 2 months things started to change. He would beg and he would promise and things would be good until something would happen again. One night I had enough, I loved him but I couldn't take it anymore, so I went over to the frat knowing that that was where he was, and left with my heart ripped out of my chest. A bet. A joke. A girl he pretended to not give a shit about in public but promised the world in private. I was broken.
"Do you want anything to drink?" I hear him offering, as he closes the door.
I shake my head, keeping my arms crossed as I make my way to his couch and sit down. He follows me taking a seat next to me, leaving some space between us. He stares at my face, studying me as if he hasn't seen me in ages and honestly, I let myself do the same. As much as I hate to admit it, he looks as handsome as ever.
"You wanted to talk." He breaks the silence, stating.
My mind snaps back, trying to focus on all of the things I wanted to say to him, but I say nothing, my mind goes blank.
"You wanted to talk about us?" He presses, in a tone that makes me think that he's hoping I say yes but I shake my head.
"I wanted to ask you about something." I keep my voice steady.
He breaks into a silent laugh, throwing his head back. "I've been begging you to let me explain for months and now you show up at my door to ask me a favor?"
My eyes leave his face, his words shaking my confidence, and I feel myself regretting my decision of coming here tonight.
"Save it, " He continues, waving me off with his head. "I know what you want, one of your dogs already asked me."
My eyebrows come together."What?"
He rolls his eyes, getting impatient. "Hyunjin." He clarifies. "He asked me this afternoon."
Damn him and his stubborn ass.
"Jackson-"
"Are you with someone?" His question catches me off guard. "Have you moved on?"
"Yes." I lie, loud and clear even though I haven't touched a single soul after him. Only flirted with people out of desperation to forget him and boredom but nothing more. His shoulders drop a little like he wasn't expecting my answer, and confidence sparks inside me. I'm not used to having the upper hand with him.
"I can't." He says.
A bitter laugh escapes me. "Bullshit. Not that I care anymore but I know for a fact that you fucked your way through campus ever since we broke up."
"I'm trying." His hands come up to his face and slide down his hair. "I've been trying but none feels like you." He moves closer in a sudden, swift movement, and my body jerks back out of instinct.
"Don't come near me." My hand lifts in front of my face, my heart begins to raise and my mask starts to crumble yet he seems unfazed. He grabs my hand, lowering it and pulling me by it closer to him.
"Y/n, you know me, please." His eyes beg. "I know I hurt you, I know and I'm so fucking sorry." His face starts to shift and emotion takes over his expression. "But baby, I miss you. I need you back. I fucked this up but you were my rock and I want you back. Sometimes my anger takes over me and I'm working on it, I really am, but I need you to know that I never wanted to hurt." He lifts his other hand to the side of my face, his thumb creasing over my cheekbone.
I stay still, keeping my eyes as emotionless as I possibly can even though my heart is aching at his words. And maybe if this had happened a few months ago, I would have given in to him in a second but I'm not the scared, easily manipulated little girl he knew anymore.
"No." I shake my head. "I wasn't your rock, I was your punching bag." I spit, moving away from his grip. "You abused me." My heart tightens as the words leave my mouth. "You wanted someone to be there for you and accept all your shit. That's not love."
His face absolutely drops at my words. "No, no." He shakes his head repeatedly. "It wasn't like that."
I silently curse myself as I feel the familiar sting in my chest. "It's over." My words make him freeze. "That's why I came here. I've been torturing myself with this for so long and I wanna let it go. " I inhale through my nose. "I was naive and I mistook what we had for love, You abused me in every way possible. You don't manipulate or hit or fuck over the people you love Jackson." My eyes fall hard on his face, wanting to make sure that my words hurt him as much as possible but the pain only reaches his eyes. The rest of his face stays still like a statue.
"You're not thinking straight right now." His eyes narrow. "It's that fucker from the party, right? He got in your head. Does he know about us?"
"None knows." I immediately answer, realizing that he's talking about Minho. "I promised you that none will find out. And I kept that promise."
"Who is he?" His focus stays on Minho.
"None important." I lie for the second time. I know Jackson, he's an incredibly jealous person and he can go to great lengths when he wants something. I don't want Minho getting involved in this.
I can tell by his expression that he doesn't believe me. "Look, I just wanted to say this so that I can finally close this chapter. None knows and I don't want anyone to ever find out either." I remind him. He knows damn well what kind of damage something like that will do to his reputation and most importantly to his career if it comes out. I think that's the only reason why he agreed to not say anything as well.
"Baby-" His hand touches my knee and I put my own hand over his to stop it.
"I don't forgive you." I softly say. "I can't. I have to respect myself and move on. I understand you, and I wanted to help you but I'm done." I pull his hand away.
"I will not stop and you know it. I'll do everything to get you back." He gets up, his body towering over me in my seated position. "You'll come back, you'll see. You always do." He kneels slightly, his face coming right in front of mine. I hold my breath, steeling my muscles and tightening my jaw. His fingers brush my cheek lightly as they make their way down to my neck, griping it before I have the chance to pull away. My hands turn into fists on my knees.
He presses his lips to my temple. "And I'll make sure he knows that." He whispers. He plants one last soft kiss on my forehead and lets me go. He turns around and walks towards the hall while I stay frozen in my seat.
He stops near the door. "You can tell your little friend group that they can come to the club under one condition." He doesn't wait for me to ask before clarifying, looking at me over his shoulder. "You stick with me. You stay at my table the whole night. Under my arm. Your friends and your boy toy can watch you from afar." He lifts both of his eyebrows, in a challenging way keeping the muscles of his jaw tight. "See yourself out." He says and disappears down the hall.
.
.
.
.
.
It's been 2 days since I talked to Jackson and 3 days until Christmas. I haven't seen or talked to anyone since that night. Emma has been trying her best to brighten my mood in any way possible but in all honestly I just need some space, I need to be alone. Alone to think and put everything in order in my head. I thought I was strong enough to deal with this, ready to face it, to face him, but I was wrong. It was too much, more than I could handle emotionally, and definitely not a good idea. God, I should have listened to Hyunjin and kept myself out of this. Now not only did I fucked up our chances of going to that stupid club but I also targeted Minho for him. I haven't seen him since he dropped me off almost a week ago but I'll be lying if I said that I haven't been thinking about him, cause I have. Every day since then. More than I should. The sure thing is that he doesn't want anything to do with me and as much as it bothers me the last thing I wanna do is get him involved in my personal problems. Again. Emma is out on a date with Seungmin, she wanted to cancel and stay home with me but there's no chance in hell that I would let her do that. She's already done so much in the past few days that she owns it to herself to have fun with her boyfriend. On the other hand, I am sinking further on the couch with a half-empty glass of red wine, watching the second season of The Vampire Diaries for probably the 20th time. I snuggle under my blanket, feeling so comfortable that I could stay like this forever. But sadly, that's not the case cause the sound of the doorbell followed by a loud banging on the door makes me groan so loud that I hope the person outside the door thinks I'm a dog and leaves. The banging continues, getting louder by the second. Who could be banging at my door so aggressively at 11 p.m. on a Thursday night? I lift myself off the couch but my legs start to slow down as the possibility of Jackson being the person standing on the other side of my door runs through my mind and my hand stops at the door nob. Another loud bang makes me flinch backwards and snaps me back to reality. I shake the thought off my head and open the door.
My eyes lock with his and a small gasp leaves my lips at how close he's standing, leaning in with both hands resting on the doorway. He keeps his head low, his dark eyes full of anger shooting up as we come face to face. A few seconds of silence pass as neither of us speaks. I don't even dare to breathe properly.
"As I was walking here I was trying to decide whether is it that you have a death wish or that you're simply stupid."
I blankly stare at him, my mind not working, unable to process what I'm seeing. He was definitely the last person I was expecting to see right now. He moves his head, kinda like he's nodding impatiently, expecting me to say something and I realize that my mouth has fallen slightly open.
"Like," Minho lets out a sharp, breathy laugh. "You're really fucking testing me right now."
I silently take him in, and a weird feeling rushes through me. Weird but in a good way, kinda like my eyes have missed the sight of him. It seems like my silence begins to annoy him cause his grip on the doorway visibly tightens. I notice the redness that covers his nose and cheeks and his slightly damp hair. Is it raining? Did he walk all the way here?
"What are you doing here?" I finally find my voice, stuttering a little. "What are you talking about?"
He doesn't answer, instead, he pushes past me, knocking me with his shoulder and entering the living room, not expecting any kind of permission.
"Sure, come in. " I mumble closing the door.
His thick boots make a squeaky sound as he paces around the living room, just like he did the first time I saw him, and that time I found him practicing at the studio. From the little experience I have with him, I know it means that he's possibly upset. "Well?"
He stops to face me. "I was at the frat, I went to see Chan." His voice is low and steady and his eyes are so focused on mine as if he's waiting to catch any reaction to his words. But even though my nerves are growing by the second, I tighten the muscles on my face, keeping it still.
"And?" I cross my arms.
"We were casually chatting until a very, very disturbing call interrupted us." He continues, slowly building his story. My stomach tightens, having an idea where this is going and silently praying that I'm wrong.
"Hyunjin told you to stay out of it." He spits through his teeth and I feel like a huge weight has fallen on me out of nowhere, forcing my shoulders to slouch. Shortly after I left Jackson's apartment I realized just how unhelpful what I had done was, it only provoked him more, and now he's gonna make it everybody's problem.
"Look I just-"
"How-" He raises his voice, shutting me up immediately but stops and pinches the bridge of his nose instead, giving himself a few seconds. "How, in your mind, did it make sense for you to go and talk to him?" He says in a lower tone.
"What did he say to Hyunjin? Does Chan know?" I ask instead.
"That's what you care about?" He clenches his teeth.
This is the last thing that I expected to happen. Minho finding out and showing up at my door wasn't one of the possible ways this could've gone and my stomach actually turns to the idea that Jackson said anything to Hyunjin or Chan. Then again neither of them has called or texted me about it, which is odd if they actually do know anything.
"Actually yeah. " I'm careful with my words and tone. "I can take care of myself, I don't need any of you to worry about me or take care of me. And let's be honest, I was the only one that could convince him to let us in that club."
"Oh, 'cause he cares about you so much right?" His laugh is dripping with irony. "Cause if you were the one to him he would do as you pleased 'cause you're so fucking special to him right?" His cruel words shake me. "Oh my god, get over yourself Y/n. He fucking abused you for months. He doesn't give a shit about you." His laugh is gone and he lets his anger take over. "And you think it's okay for you to go to him, to his fucking place alone to talk about a stupid club?" He throws his hands in the air.
My hands turn into fists and I take a step towards him. "And what was I supposed to do huh?" I yell back. "Let Hyunjin or Chan go talk to him and risk Jackson saying anything to them?"
"Why it's so important to keep it a secret?" His eyes search mine.
"Cause I want to! " My vision begins to get blurry as the words rip through my throat. "I don't want anyone to know."
He takes a step as well, getting into my face. " Well, I do. I know." His chest rises and falls intensely as he tries to calm himself. "And don't expect me to sit here and let you go anywhere near that piece of shit." His face is hard and his eyes completely dark, looking down at me. "No fucking way." He shakes his head.
I feel shivers dancing down my spine from his words, and I bite my lip instinctively. His eyes drop to my mouth for a second. "I'm not your responsibility." I find my voice again. Even though his protectiveness makes my stomach tighten in the best way possible, I'm tired of relying on other people. I wanna be strong enough to support myself. "And you shouldn't care what I do or don't do."
His lips form a thin line. "You're not going to the club with him and you're not going near him ever again."
Is that what he said to Hyunjin on the phone? That we're only allowed to come if I go with him?
"Is that what you care about? You want to make sure that I won't crawl back to him?" I straighten my back. Does he actually think I'm so weak that I'll run back to him?
"Wil you?" He fires back in a second and my heart actually tightens. For some reason, I truly thought that he would be the one to understand. His past is so similar to mine that I thought that he would actually see me and not think of me like everyone would if they knew the truth. Clearly, I was wrong.
I can feel my face falling, all my muscles loosen, my body and mind somehow defeated by the way he's looking at me right now. "Do you care about me?" I ask the question that has been burning inside my mind for days and hold his questioning gaze, hoping to see any sort of shift or emotion in it. Something to confirm that, there is something. Anything. That it's not just me that feels this way toward him. I need a sign cause I know that there's no way he's actually gonna tell me the truth.
"Do you?" I ask again cause he says nothing. "Cause if you don't then, get out." I point out the door. "You made it pretty clear that you don't want anything from me, so why are you showing up at my door acting like this?" He stays silent, frozen almost with his jaw locked and his eyebrows frowned, only his eyes moving and following my fanatic movements as my anger builds. "You're just like every other dude, you want the validation of me running behind you." I move right into his face. "You don't care, you just wanna play with me. And I won't give you the satisfaction."
His jaw clenches and his eyes twitch with anger. He leans in, dangerously close but I hold my ground. I keep my eyes on his clouded ones, my chin facing upwards, suppressing how intimidated I actually am by how sharply he exhales through his nose and how his fingers clench and unclench into fists. His nose almost touches mine and I try to stop my eyes from flickering to his lips. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about." He says through his teeth, almost growling.
"Then prove me wrong." I challenge him. I wanna push him. I want him to tell me that he cares.
He makes a harsh sound and his hand comes to wrap around my neck. His grip is loose yet strong enough to make my heartbeat rise. "Why are you doing this?"
"Cause you're full of shit." I keep my tone strong and steady. "And you think you have a saying to what I can and can't do. You're nothing to me." My lips begin to form a small smirk.
"I'm nothing to you?" His grip tightens slightly, and I look at him through my lashes. His tongue comes out to wet his lips, drawing my attention.
"Yes." I breathe out.
He chuckles lightly and backs me out until my back hits the door. His free hand comes up next to my head to rest on the door.
God, please kiss me.
"Let me make myself really, really clear here okay angel?" Each word comes out breathy on my lips, light and smooth but powerful enough to make my thighs come together. "I don't wanna hear, or see or know that you came in contact with him in any way humanly possible unless it involves the domestic violence department of the police and I want him as far away from you as possible. This is not me being possessive about something that's not mine, this is me being protective about something I want safe."
Tell me you care. Say it.
His eyes search mine as if he's trying to see if his response is enough.
"I'm trying to keep my distance but it's really hard to do that when you're pulling shit like this." His thumb comes up to my chin while his other fingers stay wrapped around my neck.
"Why?" I whisper. Why is he holding back?
He shakes his head. "Cause I can't. I can't." He closes his eyes for a second, collecting himself. "I don't want to. "
"Talk to me." My voice comes out almost like a whine. "I don't understand you."
He takes a breath, his lips brushing mine, and my body freezes. He toys around a bit, brushing our noses together until his lips fall to mine lightly, almost like a peck. Like a ghost of a kiss, a light brush of softness. He pulls away to look at me and I can see the hesitation in his eyes, so I lean in, silently telling him to continue but he doesn't. He doesn't cause my phone begins to ring and it's almost like it snaps him back to reality. His hand drops from my neck and his gaze falls to the ground. His other hand stays next to my head, that I lightly bang against the door, annoyed. I pull my phone out of my pocket, seeing Jackson's name across the screen. I look at Minho. His eyebrows frown, and a questioning expression paints his face as he leans in to look at my screen. His expression hardens immediately and he reaches to grab the phone from my hand.
I pull away. "No."
"Give me the phone, I'll talk to him." He demands.
"No," I say again and hang up. "I don't wanna provoke him."
"What will he do?" He narrows his eyes.
"You don't know him." I shake my head.
He throws his head back, groaning. "Here we go again. Running in fucking circles."
"Minho, this is not your problem." I sternly say. It's not Chan's or Hyunjin's or anyone's. And I hate it whenever anyone else gets involved. I have to do this for myself. " I'll deal with this on my own."
"I want-"
"I know." I groan, cutting him off. "But you don't have to. And you don't have to feel the need to just because of your past. I'm not you mo-" I stop myself, my eyes slightly widening realizing what I was about to say. He stiffens completely and his expression goes dark. Absolutely dark, to the point that a hint of fear sparks inside me at the sight and I wanna take back everything I said to erase it from his face. He removes his hand from the door and opens it, pushing me to the side as he does, in silence.
"Minho." I try to touch his hand but he pulls away. He doesn't spare me a single glance as he exits the apartment. I don't follow him, I let him leave.
WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self-harm, eating disorders etc.. mentions of blood, swearing, smoking, smut [ dirty talk, oral; giving and receiving, choking, spanking, praising, degradation, pet names, sometimes Minho is a dick :)
SUMMARY: "Do you remember what you told me the first time we met?"
"What?"
"You said; Always leave people a little better than you found them" he looked at the floor with a small smile for a few seconds and then his eyes found mine. "You really annoyed me when we first met. I envied your optimism and excitement for life. But each time I saw you, I felt a certain thrill. You made me angry, you made me laugh., you made me feel everything. Something about you made me feel a little more alive each time. I know I fucked up and I know I'm an asshole but I'm also brutally in love with you."
Minho's POV:
I run a hand through my sweaty hair, in attempt to fix it but it's pointless, I need a shower. I love this feeling though. The sweat running down your forehead, the air leaving your lungs, the sound of your heart beating filling your ears. Mornings like these are my favorite, especially now that most of the students are gone cause of the winter break and the studio is almost empty, and I have basically the whole place to myself. I have been coming to dance more and more in the past few weeks and I admit that it did start because of her but coming here again made me realize just how much I've missed it. So now it's something that I do for myself, watching her is a plus. I gulp down half of my water bottle and pull my phone out of my pocket. I have 2 missed calls from Chan. I know that he's been suspecting something for a few days now, he's not stupid but I've been avoiding him only because I know that he's gonna go all protective over his best friend and I don't really wanna deal with a talk like that right now. He is, however, one of the closest people to me and I can't really avoid him much longer. I send him a quick text, telling him that I'll come over and put my phone back in my pocket. I adjust the strap of my dance bag as I continue to walk until I hear the all-too-familiar song playing and freeze. She has 10 specific songs that she uses, so it's easy for me to know whenever she's here. I smile to myself and turn to the opposite hall without even thinking. I stop at the door and scoot a bit to the left so she won't see me. From where I'm standing I see her from the side, her hair is in a high ponytail with a few loose curls escaping and falling down her face and neck. She's dressed in a black sweater and black boodie shorts that hug her ass perfectly. I let my eyes travel from the curve of it down to her long, toned legs and can't help but lick my lips at the sight. She usually hides her body underneath layer and layer of clothes way too big for her, so this is a rare sight that I only get to see when I'm secretly watching her practice every Monday, Tuesday, and Saturday morning, maybe Friday night if I'm lucky. It's something I look forward to after my practice. I won't ever say it out loud though, I wouldn't ever admit how I can stand hours behind the thick glass, watching her body move to the music. Watching the way her long curly hair moves when she turns on her toes or how delicate her hand movements look even from far away. She reminds me of a bird when she dances. It's like her feet don't even touch the ground with hands as delicate and light as wings and her movements so perfectly blended together, that it's mesmerizing. She is fascinating to me in so many ways, until she opens her mouth. Fuck, she can make my eyes roll all the way to the back of my head. She's challenging me in a way that I never expected and how much I'm drawn to her is something I'm not ready to admit yet. Being a dick to her didn't work, she's not the type of girl that bites her tongue, but avoiding her didn't work either. Not to mention how fucking hard it was. Her presence alone is enough to light up a whole fucking room. She carries a certain light with her that annoys me to no end, mostly because she reminds me so much of my sister that sometimes I let my walls down without even realizing it. Both hold the same light in their eyes and that vibrating smile. She reminds me of myself as well. The side of me I lost. The passion in her eyes, the energy she carries, and the determination that she has. In her eyes, I see so many things. Things that I desperately wanna forget. Things I avoid facing and run away from. I see judgment in her eyes. They're like a mirror and all I can see is my shitty ass self. I don't stand there much longer. With everything that's happening between me and her, my head is all over the place. I don't know what I want or what I am doing even but I can't seem to stay away from her. But I have to, I know I have to. I don't want her to get involved with my mess.
I reach the frat in only 10 minutes and Felix is the one to open the door.
"Hey" He offers me a bright smile. That kid is such a joy to be around.
"Hey man," I pat his shoulder. "Is Chan here?"
His nods. "He's in his room."
"How's Hyujin?" I ask out of curiosity. Hyunjin and I have an interesting type of relationship, I guess you would say. He's one of the very, very few people that can bring me to my limits in an incredibly short amount of time and have a smile on his face while doing it, so torturing his annoying ass in many different ways has become a new form of entertainment for me.
His eyes widen slightly.
"Y/n left in a hurry yesterday because something happened with Hyunjin." I clarify.
"Oh," He relaxes. "He's trying." He drags out the words.
"A woman?" I smile sympathetically.
He sighs. "Yeah"
"It'll get better." I try to comfort him.
"I hope so."
I gave him one last sympathetic look and jogged up the stairs. I knocked on Chan's door twice before opening it, not waiting for him to answer.
"I have arrived," I announce.
"I have noticed." He chuckles back. He's sitting on his bed with his laptop on his legs.
I drop my bag beside the door and take a seat on the bed. "Are you working?"
"Just some touch-ups," He says and closes the laptop, putting it beside him. "Were you at the dance studio?"
"I worked with Changbin a bit, we finished Seungmin's part, and then I went to the dance studio," I explain, even though I know why he's asking.
He nods several times and takes a deep breath through his nose, kinda like he's preparing himself for what he's about to say. "Um listen-"
"I know what you're about to say." I stop him. "And there's no reason for us to talk about this." I try to avoid the conversation before he starts talking cause I know that he will not stop.
He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. "Minho, I'm not stupid nor blind."
"But you are wrong. It's not like that-" I begin to say but he's the one to cut me off now.
"Minho" He gives me a knowing look. "She's my best friend."
"I know." I sigh, giving up, and letting him talk.
"And you're one of my best friends as well." He adds.
"I know." I run a hand through my hair not knowing what to do with my hands.
"What I'm trying to say is that I know her and I know you."
I rest my head against the wall and focus my eyes on the wall in front of me. I really don't wanna be having this conversation. I haven't even figured shit out myself. But one thing I can never do is lie to Chan.
"Nothing has happened between us." I honestly say.
"I see the way you look at her and I see the ways you guys talk and tease each other." He lifts a brow. "I haven't seen you like that with any other girl, and I've known you for what? Almost three years now?" He laughs and I can feel a small amount of weight leaving my shoulders knowing that he's not ready to cut my dick off.
I fight a smile and shake my head. "No honestly, nothing's up. She's just fun to tease."
He leans closer and puts a hand on my shoulder. "Listen you've been through a lot of shit and there are times when she's around that I can see a genuine smile on your lips, even when you're trying to hide it. You're dancing and you're not locked up in your room. I'm happy to see you like this, making progress. She has that effect on people, you know. She's such a bright person." His smile falls slightly. "But Y/n has also been through a lot. She has had ups and downs with her mental health ever since I met her but the past year she's been struggling, especially after her last relationship."
The sudden anger that spreads through my body even at the mention of her ex shocks me a bit, remembering all the things she admitted to me that Chan doesn't know about. That time at the party when I caught them fighting in the kitchen, I acted out of instinct. When I saw her against the counter with her eyes full of hidden fear I didn't even think about it, all I knew is that I had to take her away from him. It's something that I have done more times than I can count for my mother and my sister. My anger at the beginning was towards her cause she was one of the millions of women that chose to stay silent but the growing protectiveness I feel toward her now is a feeling I can't quite figure out. The night she opened up to me about him, I stayed up, debating whether or not I would go and beat the shit out of him until he physically couldn't walk. I think that was the night I realized how much power she has over me. She has changed since I met her a year ago. I don't know what about her is different but something is. I can tell cause I've memorized every single thing about her and searched for her around campus. That night hunted me. I remember everything I felt, the heaviness in my chest and the absolute numbness that had taken over my emotions. She came out of nowhere, and I remember thinking that her voice was so annoying that I just wanted her to leave. I wanted to be alone. But she stayed and would not stop talking. Her eyes; big, bright, and full of light. A shade of green, I've never seen. Her eyes that night stared at mine and I felt annoyed, judged, and fascinated at the same time. The more I looked at her the more mesmerized I became by her. Her resemblance to my sister was amazing, in every way. The way she spoke and moved was so unique yet familiar. Simply drawing. If I'm being honest, I had made my decisions and owned my mistakes. I was at peace knowing it was finally time to give up. But just like that, she stood there, like a mirror in front of me. A reminder. A clear reflection of what I had become and all the things I could be. She spoke with so much passion about life that I got jealous. Never in my life have I met anyone like her. After she left I stayed there, in the same spot for at least an hour, her words being the only thing on my mind. I realized that; that was kind of like my second chance, a reality check. She came to offer me a second chance in life. And as much as I hated her being there at the time, as much as her words were cutting through me like a fucking knife, I needed it. I picked myself up. Piece after piece and even though life's still shit, her words were a constant motivation to keep moving, and at the end of the day; I'm still here. Alive. Well, kinda.
"My point is," he continues."Whatever you do, be careful." He kept his face natural, with his usual half smile but I could hear the hidden warning in his tone. I nod my head not knowing how to reply. I don't wanna say anything. I don't wanna talk about her.
"Alright, I'll go take a shower and then you can jump in afterward, cause no offense but you stink mate." He makes a face.
"Shut up. " I roll my eyes.
He grabs some clothes. "You could join me if you want, to save water and all." He smirks.
I grab the nearest pillow and throw it at him, which he easily avoids and disappears into the bathroom laughing.
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Y/n's POV:
I was practicing in the studio when Felix called me.
"He could come and stay with us for a few days." I offer, not really knowing what to say or do to help.
"I don't think it will make any difference," Felix says. "I think he just wants to be alone right now."
"I can understand that" I mutter. Jackson was my first real relationship and that heartbreaking feeling that weighed on my chest months even after our break is one that I don't wish upon anyone. Even though I know that what we had was not love, I still loved him.
"It's just hard seeing him like that." he sighs.
"I know." My heart tightens at how sad Felix sounds. He cares deeply about people, especially when it comes to his friends. He, Chan, and Hyunjin are like brothers so seeing Hyunjin in pain must be hard for him. "I can come over later, maybe we can watch a movie or something. It will help him get his mind off of her." I offer.
"Yeah sure, that sounds nice."
"I'll be there around 8."
"Okay"
"Bye Felix."
I've been practicing all morning and my feet are honestly killing me. After I came home I took a shower, trying to relax my sore muscles and I've been laying in my bed ever since. I've been switching between Netflix and my book for the past few hours until I finally decided to get ready. Today is one of those days that I would want nothing more than to bury myself under my sheets and not talk or see anyone and it sucks. I take a breath, leaving the comfort of my bed to start getting dressed. I don't do much, I throw on a pair of jeans and a hoodie, deciding to bury myself under the thick clothing. I don't bother with makeup or my hair besides running my fingers through them a bit and I'm out of the door. I wrap my arms around my body and fasten my walk to the frat house. I somehow thought that I'd d be fine with just my hoodie, completely forgetting the fact that it's almost Christmas and it's freezing. At least the frat is only about 15 minutes away from our apartment. I reach the door and press the doorbell. Once, twice and as I'm about to press it for the third time, the cold air pushing me to my limits, the door opens and I freeze as I come face to face with his big, brown eyes.
Close. He's standing so close.
"Fuck," I curse, placing my hand over my heart. "You scared me."
He opens the door a bit more, leaning into the doorway. "Lovely to see you too, angel."
My heart flatters at the sight of his smile but I push the thought away and my way through the door. "Stop calling me that." I take my shoes off.
"Why? Do you like it that much?" His smile grows along with my annoyance. I'm annoyed cause in fact I think I kind of do. Or mostly I like what it does to me, the way it makes me feel. Then again maybe I like the fact that he cares enough to have a specific nickname for me. Not that I would know if he uses it with other women as well..
"What are you even doing here?" I walk to the stairs, searching for any sight of my friends.
"I happen to have friends who live here." He follows me.
"Funny." I reach the top of the stairs and turn to him. Why is he even following me? Where's everyone? I look around the first floor.
"I am." He chuckles, standing right in front of me with his arms crossed over his chest. The sleeves of his black hoodie are lifted up to his elbow. He has such nice hands, I think to myself.
"You are a lot of things." I mumble under my breath, peeling my eyes away from his body. Heat starts rising inside me. He's standing too close to me, with a stupid grin on his face, and none else around us. My walls are shaking, starting to slowly tear down in moments like this, where I could have a playful, simple conversation with him without burning anger building inside of me at the audacity of his cruel words. But I don't let myself relax too much, it's a matter of time before he snaps back on me.
"Oh, you have no idea." He breathes out, lowering his voice and head. He takes a few steps closer to me. What is he doing? My mind starts spinning, and all the possible things I can say or do run through my head but instead, I take a step to the left, pulling away for him.
"You smell." I say quickly and turn around and down the hall, not giving him a chance to say anything back.
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"Hey," I wrap my hands around him, bringing him into a tight hug. His hair is still a bit dump for his shower and the scent of his caramel body wash immediately hits my nose. "how are you doing?"
"Fine." He mumbles in the crook of my neck. "I just want everyone to stop treating me like I'm made of glass."
"We're just worried about you Hyunjin." Felix says, laying on his stomach on Hyunjin's bed. Huynjin releases me and throws himself beside Felix.
"All of you guys have been through a breakup. I guess it's my time." His eyes are still a bit bloodshot, probably from last night. Felix told me that he wouldn't stop crying. When I broke up with Jackson both Felix and Hyunjin were over at my apartment every single day, trying to make me feel better, in every way they could. There were times when I wouldn't even get out of bed so they would stay in bed with me and we would watch stupid reality shows and old Disney movies. They were there for me so now that Hyunjin's going through the same thing I wanna be there for him as much as I can as well.
"You know what?" I place my hands on my hips. "I think you did enough mopping over her cheating ass. It's time to get your mind off her." I try to brighten the mood.
Both Felix and Hyunjin give me questioning looks. "What do you mean?" Hyunjin's eyebrows frown. His face is so puffy from crying that he looks incredibly cute.
"Get up." I pull him by the hand off the bed. "Let's go downstairs, make some drinks and snacks, and watch a fun movie." I open the door, dragging Hyunjin with me. Felix follows, giggling.
I release him as soon as we enter the kitchen, his shoulders fall and he takes a seat on a stool. I pull my phone out of my pocket, I'm gonna need some help.
"You're literally in my house, why are you calling me?" Chan picks up immediately.
"Come downstairs, now." I say and hang up.
"Y/n, I don't know If I'm-"
"No," I lift my finger. "4 days after I broke up with Jackson you showed up at my door. Remember what I did?"
"You tried to slam the door in my face." He wipes his nose with his sleeve.
"But you didn't leave me alone." I circle the counter to stand in front of him. "You sat with me in my bed as I cried my heart out and you didn't say a word." I push a piece of his blonde hair that's falling in his eyes back. His eyes begin to fill with tears and his full lips turn into a thin line. I know that face. "Please don't cry." I wrap my arms around him, panicking.
"It's not my fault, why did you have to get all emotional and shit..." He mumbles in my chest.
Felix lets out a laugh from his leaning position across the counter. "You guys are so dramatic." He shakes his head. "I'll get started on the drinks and leave you two emotionally damaged people to bond over making snacks."
"What's going on?" Chan walks into the kitchen with Minho following right behind.
"We're bonding." Hyunjin says, not lifting his head from my chest.
I giggle giving him one last squeeze before releasing him. "Okay enough with the crying, let's make some brownies." I clap my hands together.
"What are we doing exactly?" Minho asks, confusion written all over his face.
"We're making drinks and snacks, and then we're watching a movie to cheer Hyunjin up." Felix walks over to them. "Wanna help with the drinks?" He asks Chan.
"Yeah, sure." He immediately accepts, knowing he's not really good at cooking.
"You can go too, I'm sure you wouldn't wanna spend time making brownies with me." Hyunjin gets off the stool and glares at Minho on his way to the fridge. I look between them dumbfounded. Have I missed something?
Minho takes a few steps further into the kitchen, slowly approaching the end of the counter, with his hands crossed. "Stop being dramatic." He rolls his eyes.
"You told me that I'm the most annoying person you've ever met." Hyunjin narrows his eyes.
My jaw falls open. "Minho!" I gasp.
He takes a breath. "I was joking obviously. You're clearly not THE most annoying person, have you met Changbin?" I wanna laugh at his terrible attempt to fix what he said to Hyunjin but I bite my lip to hold it and pull out a bowl to start mixing the ingredients.
"Whatever, you can stay, only cause I'm a nice person unlike you." A small smile dances on Hyunjin's lips. " I'll go look for a pan." He turns to me.
"Okay, I'll start mixing the wet ingredients." I nod, getting the sugar and a cup to measure everything in.
He nods back and walks to the small pantry that they have beside the kitchen. He stops behind Minho. "I know you like me, you can stop this enemies-to-lovers thing." He says close to his ear and Minho flinches.
I let out a laugh, that quickly disappears the minute I realize that we're alone in the kitchen. The pantry where Hyunjin went to look for a pan is just across the hall, but knowing Hyunjin it will take him more than 5 minutes to actually locate the pans. I focus my eyes on the bowl in front of me as I pour the butter over the sugar and begin mixing them, while Minho stands silently at the opposite side of the counter. I know for a fact that he will not even try to start a conversation or do anything to make this uncomfortable silence go away so I force myself to stay focused on my task and ignore him. The butter begins to blend smoothly with the sugar, which is a sign to put the eggs in. From the corner of my eye, I see him move. I straighten my back, not wanting to appear as intimidating as I am by his presence. He stops to my right, close enough for me to smell Chan's body wash; so he must have taken a shower here. I wait for him to say something, anything but he stays silent, simply observing. The side of my face feels like it's on fire from his intense staring and I being to grow uncomfortable.
"Um, can you bring the eggs?" I clear my throat but neither his body nor his eyes move. I shift my balance from one foot to another, my hand moving faster as I feel my anxiety peeking. I sigh, realizing that he's not going to help me at all so I stop mixing and turn to the fridge but before I have the time to take a single step, he moves past me, his shoulder brushing mine. I focus my eyes back on the bowl as he moves silently to the fridge and back. His movements remind me of a cat's. Soundless, precise, and confident, executed with a look of boredom all over their face.
"How many do we need?" For some reason the way he said 'we' made a smile almost appear on my lips.
"Um," I think about how many pieces will be enough for all of us to eat. " about 3." I say and reach for an egg.
"Let me." He takes it from my hand, in a surprisingly gentle way, almost as gentle as his tone. He seems to be in a good mood, a good mood for him at least and I begin to wonder why. He cracks 2 of the eggs inside the bowl and I mix them with the rest of the ingredients.
"Do you bake a lot?" He suddenly asks. My hand slows down for a second, caught by surprise by his sudden question. I don't think that he's ever asked me a simple question like this.
"Um, yeah." I hesitantly answer.
"Hm," He nods, breaking the third egg. "It looks like you know what you're doing."
I shrug pouring the flour into the mixture. "I bake a lot when I'm stressed."
"Which is often I'm guessing." He smirks.
I try not to smile at his comment but my face warms up either way. His energy is oddly positive. He shifts his weight, leaning towards me and observing my moves. The way that my body is drawn to his is ridiculous and the thoughts that go through my head make everything worst. Silence takes over us once again and my eyes flicked to the door every 10 seconds, silently hoping for Hyunjin to finally come.
I hear him chuckle under his breath.
"What?" I turn to him.
He leans into the counter with both of his hands and shakes his half-wet hair out of his eyes. I swallow; fuck he's attractive.
He half-smiles, in such a boyish way. "Do I make you uncomfortable?"
I look back down. "No." I lie
He leans back close to me, placing his hand next to my hip to my left trapping me like he did yesterday. I hold my breath as he looks over my shoulder, his chin almost touching it.
"I love making you nervous." His breath tickles my neck and chills spread down my spine and arms. He dips his finger into the mixture and brings it to his lips. My eyes follow the way his finger disappears into his mouth, his full lips sucking on it in a way that makes my legs grow closer.
His eyes lighten up. "Shit, this is good." He dips his finger again.
I let out a breath, relieved to see his attention turn to the brownies. "Really?"
"Yeah, try some." He takes some more on his finger and brings it to my lips.
I freeze. "No thanks." I awkwardly smile.
He frowns. "You made it, you have to try. " He pushes his finger closer to my lips.
"Minho, said no." I say a little louder, grabbing his wrist. I feel him stiffen, his eyes fall to my grip and then back to my eyes. My stomach drops. I dip the finger of my other hand into the mixture and drag it across his cheek, distracting him. His eyes widen, clearly not expecting that and I can't help but I laugh at his face.
"You're dead." His tongue pokes the inside of his cheek with a straight face.
He takes some more of the mixture and I turn around about to run but his hand sneaks around my waist pulling me back. My back hits his chest and I feel his finger spreading the brownie dough all over my cheek.
I bring my hands up to cover my face but he fights me with his free hand. "Minho, stop! " I try to sound annoyed but I giggle instead.
"You started it. " He laughs back and I swear it is one of the most lovely sounds I've ever heard. Even if I can't see him from my position, I can picture the smile on his face.
I kinda wish I could freeze this moment as well.
"Can you guys stop playing with my breakup brownies? " Hyunjin groans, finally entering the kitchen with 3 different pans in his hands. We both freeze but Minho's the one that moves away first. Almost too fast and sharper than I would like as if he hadn't realized what was happening until it was interrupted. His face drops any emotions that previously held and he goes to grab the pans from Hyunjin.
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"Hyunjin let's just start the movie. The brownies will be ready in a few minutes." Felix groans but Hyunjin shakes his head. Everyone has taken a seat on the large couch in the living room. Felix and Chan made Margaritas for all of us and after a lot of fighting, we decided to watch 'The Conjuring'. We were just about to start the movie but Hyujin refuses to watch anything until his brownies are ready.
"I said no." He stands his ground.
I give Felix a sympathetic look, knowing that Hyunjin is slowly bringing him to his limit, and get up. "Fine, I'll go check on the brownies." I walk back into the kitchen and kneel in front of the oven, checking if the brownies are ready. They could use a little more baking but I pull them out anyway.
"Hello, love" Kai, one of the other boys that live here enters the kitchen. There are 5 guys in total in the Frat, Hyunjin, Chan, Felix, Kai, and Jace. Kai is the one I like the most after the boys cause Jace can be a bit of an ass.
"Hi, Kai." I smile at him.
"What's going on? Are you guys having a movie night?" It's not often that either of them is home but whenever they are, they always stay locked up in their rooms. Kai sometimes comes downstairs to say hi to me or Emma and maybe hang out a bit with us so I'm definitely closer to him. He's quite tall, with messy blonde hair and the most perfect dimples I have ever seen.
"Yep." I begin to cut the brownies into squares.
"Fuck, they look delicious." He leans over the pan. "Can I have some?"
"Y/n." Both of our heads snap to the doorway where Minho is standing. His gaze moves between Kai and me. He must have a fucking radar or something. "Do you need any help?"
"Um-"
"Hey, man." Kai greeds Minho as he approaches the counter.
"How you've been Kai?" He pats Kai's back with a nod and walks past him to stand right beside me. Oh, so they know each other.
"Busy." he lets out a breathy laugh. "I'm happy that the semester's over."
Minho gives him an understanding nod and then copies Kai's previous position, leaning over my shoulder, and looking at the brownies. "They look good." He drags out in a low voice. I realize what he's doing and I have to stop the smile that threatens to form on my lips. He only seems to care about me whenever another person's involved. It does bother me but at the same time, I can't really stop myself from craving his attention in any way that I get it. I know it sounds weird but I want him to look at me, I want his eyes to search the room for me and I want him to be disappointed when I'm not there.
I take a breath and put a soft smile on my lips. I cut a small piece of brownie and move away from Minho's grip. "Here," I turn to Kai. "Try some."
He opens his mouth, taking the brownie from between my fingers with his lips. My back is completely turned to Minho, but I see Kai's eyes flicker behind me for a second.
"Oh, my god." He groans with his mouth full.
"How is it?" I place all the pieces on a large plate.
"It's incredible." He nods his head, with his eyes closed.
"What about me?" Minho puts his elbows on the counter, bringing his face right in front of mine. "I wanna try too."
"You have hands." I take the plate in my hands and turn around, avoiding to look his way, while Kai's trying to hold his laughter but he's failing. "I'll see you around Kai." I exit the kitchen.
"Fucking finally," Hyunjin yells as I put the plate in the middle of the coffee table and I fall back to my seat beside Chan.
"I know that he's heartbroken and all but I swear I'm gonna murder him." Felix leans behind Chan's back and whispers to me. I cover my mouth with my hand trying to hold my laughter, Hyunjin can be too much when he's not in a good mood but if Felix has reached his limits the situation's bad. My laugh is cut short when I feel someone sitting beside me.
"You're not seating here." I lean a bit closer to whisper to him while keeping my eyes forward and the small smile on my lips that tries to hide the panic of Minho staying beside me for almost 2 hours. "I wanna watch the movie."
"None's stopping you, angel." Minho lifts both of his eyebrows at me before taking a brownie from the plate and popping it into his mouth.
"Okay, now we can begin the movie." Hyunjin takes 4 brownies and leans back, happily.
Felix shakes his head and presses play. I sigh and grab the blanket from the back of the couch, unfolding it.
"Are you cold?" Minho asks, without looking at me.
"She can't watch a movie without a blanket or something to cover her. " Chan explains. "She's weird like that."
"Shut up." I bring the blanket up to my shoulders. "Pass me my margarita."
I hold my hand out but he shakes his head. "Nope. No alcohol for you."
"What? Why?" I frown.
He shoots me a glare. "I think you know why."
I drop my hand, understanding. He takes a brownie from the plate and holds it out to me but I shake my head, as always.
"Then no alcohol." he shrugs.
"Guys, shut up ." Hyunjin turns up the volume. "The movie's starting."
I sigh once again and bury myself under the blanket, forcing my eyes on the tv. This is gonna be a long movie.
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Minho's hand has been resting on the back of the couch for 25 minutes straight, and the right side of his body is so close to me, that his thigh is brushing mine every now and then, so it's hard to focus on anything else. He, on the other hand, is perfectly still, completely invested in the movie. I can't help but let my eyes flicker to him every few minutes and the more I do the more I realize that he has the most perfect side profile. Everything from his now completely dry hair to his long black eyelashes that stand tall over his huge eyes to his perfectly straight nose to the curve of his full lips. His face holds no expression. He occasionally lets his lips turn into a small smile when a funny scene comes up or his eyebrows frown when something intrigues him. He doesn't smile that often, he doesn't show much emotion in general and I wonder if it's because we're not that close yet for him to open up or if that's the way he is as a person. From what Chan has told me, Minho is really closed off and it takes time for him to open up to someone. The memories of our talks make their way through my mind yet again, almost causing me to smile. I loved the way he talked; as if I wasn't even there, as if he was talking to himself, letting out all of his thoughts. I loved those moments. It was the first time that I felt understood, in a way. I've been hiding a lot of things, too ashamed to admit the real story of my childhood, the toxic and abusive relationship I stayed in for almost a year, or the sides of myself that even I am disgusted by. The mess that I grew up to be, even though I swore to myself that I would be different. I'm so grateful that I found Chan. It was a time when I really needed someone to be there for me, and he didn't hesitate a second. He was there every time. Through me screaming and yelling, crying, falling classes, not leaving my room or eating anything for days. He had the patience that none had with me growing up. He stayed by my side, waiting, allowing me to take my time but never leaving. I have opened up to him about a lot but still, even from him, I keep things. There are times when I feel like shit. I sit with all these people that are almost like family to me and present myself as someone I'm not, allowing only the side of myself that's not messed up, damaged, or fucked to be seen. So when Minho opened up to me about his childhood, I felt like I wasn't alone in a way. Maybe it was the alcohol but he didn't hide that side of him from me and that made me not wanna hide mine either.
I hadn't realized how long I'd been staring at him, drowning in my thoughts until his eyes turned to mine, and I almost choked. He looked back at the screen with a small smile and moved a bit closer to me. Thank fucking god that the lights are almost off cause I'm pretty sure I look like a tomato. I feel the hand that he has resting behind me, inching closer until his fingers brush my shoulder. A wave of chills runs through my whole body, but I try not to show any emotion on my face. He laughs under his breath and removes his hand from behind me, but just as I'm about to finally let out a breath of relief, I feel his hand moving to my thigh under the blanket and when his hand grips my thigh, I clear my throat.
What is he doing?
"What?" Chan turns to me.
"Nothing." I quickly brushed him off. "Can you pass me some water?" He grabs a bottle of water from the table and gives it to me.
"Thanks" I bring it to my mouth. I can feel Minho's eyes on me, as I'm gulping down the water. I finish almost the whole bottle and give it back to Chan. His fingers start moving upwards and he leans back. His touch is so foreign yet so relieving in a way. Like I've been starving for ages and he just offered me food. He has never touched me in such a way and my skin starts to feel hot under his hand.
"Thirsty?" He whispers in my ear.
Jesus.
I fight a smile by pushing my lips together, but when his fingers inch closer to my core, I shallow so hard that it's almost audible. My legs move closer together, almost closing his hand between them but he moves it closer and closer to where I suddenly need him to. I bite my lip finally squeezing my thighs together, trying to bring his fingers even closer. He lets out a bearly audible laugh and tightens his grip. I let out a breath in frustration, suddenly grateful for how loud the movie is.
"Patience angel." I don't look at him but I bet his lips are in a smug ass grin.
God, I haven't been touched in that way for so long that I've forgotten how it feels, the burning in my lower belly or the aching between my legs.
"I told you not to call me that." The nickname sparks something inside me I place my hand on his thigh as well, turning to look at him. His smile slowly drops and my hand moves higher. Now it's my time to smile. Deep breaths are coming in and out of his nose. His hand rests on my thigh, not moving.
"Stop." He growls under his breath.
"No, you stop." I whisper to his ear, cupping his crotch. "I'm not a doll you can play with whenever you like." He draws his tongue over his bottom lip and then takes it between his teeth.
I wanna do that.
I tighten my hand around his dick, feeling him twitch in my palm. He turns to look at me, his eyes shifting under the dime lights, it's like they sparked, and with each second passing, they challenged me more and more. His gaze dropped to my lips and my heart started pouting in my chest, as he leaned forward. I immediately pulled my hand away and turned to my previous position, facing the tv.
"That's what I thought." He smirked and returned to his previous position as well, with his hand behind my head.
I stayed quiet for the rest of the movie, too stunned about what happened. Every time I'm near him, it's like my body has a mind of its own. He makes me act like a completely different person. I get overwhelmed and every time I need more and more. As the movie was playing, I slowly came to the realization of how much I am actually attracted to him. I haven't allowed myself to recognize my feelings for him, too caught up in everything that has been happening but it's easy for me to also realize how stupid it is of me to have any actual feelings for someone like him. Minho only likes to tease and annoy me, simply entertaining his own needs, so I force myself to stop thinking that it's anything more than that.
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"That was a fucking good movie." Felix stretches his hands. I blink several times, realizing that the movie has finished.
"Hyunjin fell asleep," Chan whispers with a grin across his face and everyone's head snaps to Hyunjin.
"Aww" I lift myself off of the couch and grab my phone to snap a picture of his sleeping face.
"I'll take him upstairs." Chan gets up and I begin to clean the coffee table.
"I'll help," Felix says. We gather everything and take the plates and glasses back to the kitchen.
"Are you staying here?" Felix asks while loading the dishwasher.
I shake my head "I think I'll head home in a few."
"I'll drive you." Minho walks into the kitchen, engaging in our conversation out of nowhere. This dude is everywhere, I swear.
"I can walk thanks." I offer him a tight smile.
"Y/n." Felix says in a scolding tone. "It's past midnight. It's better if Minho drives you."
"I'll be fine." I stand my ground.
Minho makes eye contact with me from the other side of the island. "I'm driving you home." He states and leaves the kitchen.
Felix takes a look over his shoulder to make sure he's gone and then gives me a knowing smile.
"No, stop." I defend immediately.
He lifts his hands. "I didn't say anything."
"Shut up, I know what you're thinking." I narrow my eyes.
"You're going to fuck at some point." He shrugs. "Bet."
"Felix! " I squeal, looking around to see if anyone has heard him.
"Just sayin'."
"I'm going home, bye." I raise my voice on purpose and he laughs. I make my way back to the living room to put my shoes on.
"You wanna go now?" Minho asks from the couch.
"I said I'll walk."
"Stop being so fucking stubborn," He grabs his phone from the coffee table and walks to me. "It's late and I have a car."
"Who says that I wanna be in a car with you?"
He lifts his eyebrows, almost like he's challenging me. "You got into Jeongin's car."
There we go.
"Jeongin's fun to be around." I shoot and his face breaks into a grin.
He says bye to Chan and walks up to me until only I'm able to hear him. "I can be plenty of fun." His voice drops. "Grab your stuff, I'll be waiting outside." He puts his shoes on in a swift motion and walks out the door.
I smile to myself, 'cause despite what I said, I really wanna be in a car with him. I walk back to the couch. "Bye Chan." I wrap my arms around his shoulders from the back.
"Bye, princess." He kisses my arm.
When I step out of the house the cold air hits me immediately, forcing me to lift my hands and wrap them around my upper body for support. Minho's leaning against his car, a cigarette between his lips. I've never really found smoking attractive but there's something about the way he does it, that it does seem, kinda attractive, I guess.
"So Jeongin's fun huh?" He blows out some smoke.
"He is actually." I keep my face straight and when I reach him I take his cigarette and bring it to my lips, but before I have a chance to take a hit he snaps it back.
"Not a chance."
"Why not?" I pout.
"Dancers don't smoke."
"That's bullshit." I scoff. "Besides, you're a dancer."
His eyes light up. "Fine. If you want it, come and get it." He takes a long drag and leans forward, holding the smoke in his mouth. His action is unexpected, sparking excitement inside me.
"No thank you." I bring my lips to a tight line, understanding what he meant. He laughs and blows out the smoke. "Can we go? I'm cold." I shiver, causing his eyes to trail down my body, probably noticing that I don't have a jacket on and I shift under his gaze feeling uncomfortable. I hate it when people look that intensely at my body.
"Sure." He throws the cigarette on the ground, stepping on it. He unlocks the car and I let out a sigh of relief, once I'm inside.
He starts the car.
"Seatbelt," He says, exactly like he did the last time I was in his car. I reach for the seatbelt and put it on.
The corner of his mouth lifts. "Good girl."
My body tenses up. "Stop with the pet names." I manage to say.
He smirks." You love them."
"I don't"
"I can see the way your body reacts every time I call you something, you know." His eyes flicker to me.
"I hate you." I shake my head, not having anything to say back. I don't really know how to speak to him when he's like this. I don't know how we went from fighting to flirting, but I can't help this weird feeling that I shouldn't let myself enjoy it too much. This is dangerous territory. The thin line between playful fighting and flirting, and I'm not really sure if I should cross it or not.
He rests his head back. "Sure you do."
The dime light from the street lights falls on him perfectly. One hand gripping the wheel and the other resting on the closed window. Even the way he's driving is attractive and I let myself study him a bit more. I try to focus on the small details I notice about him, like the way his hands handle the wheel or the way his eyes move around the streets, alarmed yet relaxed in a way. I notice that as he focuses on the road, his lips pout slightly and his eyebrows frown.
"You're staring again." He says with a completely straight face and my eyes snap back to the road.
"So, how do you know Kai?
His question takes me by surprise. "Um, I've seen him around the frat." He simply nods. "Checking out the competition?" I tease.
His teeth make an appearance. "There's no competition angel."
"You're so full of yourself." I scoff
He shrugs with a smile. "I'm just confident. I grew up having to fight for everything I've ever wanted. That made me rely on myself and myself only and soon I realized that if I try hard enough I can get anything I want."
This conversation took a huge turn and I find myself staring again, remembering everything he told me that night. "I'm the exact opposite." I turn to the road. "I'm one of those people who no matter how hard they try will always fail and I've reached a point where I've failed so many times that it makes me believe that maybe, I'm just not enough."
He keeps his eyes on the road. "You're more than enough. All of us are. There are always gonna be people that are going to make you feel like that, parents, friends, lovers, even yourself. But in the end, there's no such thing as being enough for anything. You're simply you. And that's more than enough."
I stare at his side profile as I let his words sink in and my heart warms. "How do you do that?" I honestly ask.
"How do I do what?" He glances at me only for a second.
"You're so confusing. How can you act like a complete dick one second and the next talk to me like that?"
At that, he laughs. "That's how I'll get you to be obsessed with me."
It's kinda working.
"No. That's how you'll get me to murder you."
He laughs again. He looks so different when he laughs. There's something addictive to the sight and for some reason, I wanna make him laugh again.
"I have a question. " I say.
His face twitches with interest. "If you ask one, I'll ask on."
"Deal." I fight a smile and clear my throat. I don't know when I'll ever get a chance like this again, so I think deeply. "Why did you quit dancing and turned to music?" There are so many things I wanna ask him. Like what he thinks about me, if he's ever been in love or his dreams about the future. I wanna get to know everything about him but I don't wanna push him. It seems like he's thinking about it cause he's biting the inside of his cheek, something I've seen him do before.
"I just couldn't." He finally said after 23 seconds of silence, which I counted out of anxiety that maybe I pushed him too far with my question. He takes a deep breath, preparing himself. "I was in a shitty place and I was a fucked up mess. I couldn't dance anymore cause I had nothing to express. Growing up I found myself going to the dance studio as an escape. All the anger and fear and absolute sadness I would hold inside, I would release through dancing. But at some point in my life, it became too much and I grew completely...numb, in a way. I couldn't dance anymore cause I wasn't able to feel anything. I was bearly alive."
I watch him carefully, the urge to simply touch him out of sympathy growing by the second. I wonder how much pain he holds inside. I'm dying to get to know him.
"Jisung was the one that introduced me to music." He continues. " He came into my life when I thought that I was done. If I didn't have him I probably wouldn't be alive right now. He was studying in Rome, forced by his parents into a career that he didn't want. He was suffering from depression and anxiety and couldn't do it anymore, so he left and came here."
I would have never imagined that such a bright person would have such a hard backstory, but then again the kindest people are the ones that have suffered the most. "How did you guys meet?"
He smiles just a little. "At a party, a frat party actually. It was my first year in college, as a dance major along with my sister. I was drunk, and got in a fight with some dude after I tried to fuck his girl."
I scranch my nose in diguast. "You're an ass."
"I didn't know." He rolls his eyes. "Plus she was the one that was rubbing her ass on my dick the whole night."
His vulgar words disturb me. "Continue." I clear my throat.
"Anyway, I passed out on the bathroom floor, completely wasted, and somehow the next day I woke up on a couch at an apartment I didn't know. Jisung took me to his and Seungmin's place. I will not go into detail but after that, he somehow became my best friend."
"Wait, they were living together?" I ask.
He nods. "Yeah, they were friends for years and when Jisung dropped out Seungmin offered him to come and live with him."
I feel like I'm missing something. "How old are you?" I turn to him.
He looks at me with a smirk. "I'm 25."
What?
My eyes widen. "How the fuck are you 25?"
He laughs at my shocked expression. "I told you, I was a dance major for 2 years until I switched. Jisung started studying music and it pulled me in immediately. Then in my second year, Chan started collecting us like Pokemon and now here we are."
I shake my head. "Wow." There's so much I still don't know about these boys. Each and every one of them has his own story yet somehow Chan managed to bring 5 different people together through music.
"My turn." He says.
"Your turn has to wait." I smile as he reaches my apartment complex. He stops the car and I remove my seatbelt. I try to open the door but it's locked.
"Unlock the car." I turn to meet his gaze. He's leaning against his car door, keeping one hand on the wheel.
"I'll ask my question first." His voice echoes through the car.
I bit my lip, fully understanding the situation that I'm in right now. Trapped in his car, with his eyes and full attention on me. "Fine, ask away."
He focuses on my face, searching and studying. "Are you still in love with him?"
I stiffen, knowing exactly who he's talking about. Even though he's the only one who knows about me and Jackson, the times that we've actually talked about it are few. In any other case, I would have avoided any question about him but it's something this specific question that made me straighten my back. "No," I say with full honesty. "And I don't think I was ever truly in love with him if I'm being honest."
"You weren't," He says, his voice strong and stable. "What you had, what he gave you, wasn't love." He spits the last words as if it's a joke.
"Maybe it's the love I deserved." My voice drops lower, almost to a whisper.
His head snapped in my direction and I immediately lower my head, suddenly not brave enough to look him in the eye.
"Look at me." He demands.
I shake my head. I can't, I feel too exposed right now. More than I've ever had in front of anyone other than Jackson or Chan.
His hand finds my jaw and grips it tightly, turning my head to him. His eyes are burning but the muscles on his face are relaxed. He leans closer, and my heart starts beating faster.
"I really hope I could prove you wrong." His thumb brushes my cheek.
Freeze, freeze, freeze. I wish I could freeze this moment. Make it last.
I hold my breath. " Why can't you?"
His eyes shift as he tilts his head to the side. His hand moves to the side of my face, brushing some of the stray hairs away, pushing them behind my ear. I feel myself leaning into his touch.
"Cause you deserve better than I can offer you."
The words feel heavy, in my heart, in my chest, and in my stomach so I drop my eyes, nodding several times. Somehow I knew that that was gonna be the case. From the moment I first saw him, I somehow knew that he carried a lot with him and as much as my feelings are pushing me towards him, I'm not in a place where I can get involved with someone that can't offer me all of him.
"I get it." I pull away from his touch.
"Y/n.." He sighs.
I grab my bag and open the door. He tries to grab my wrist. "No," I shake my head. "Stop confusing me." I sharply say. "I won't do this back and forth again. You either want something or you don't. So since you don't, please leave me alone." I get out of his car, my legs move as fast as they can up the stairs to my apartment and the moment I slam the door shut, the tears make their way down my cheeks silently.
WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self harm, eating disorders etc.. mentions of blood, swearing, smoking, smut [ dirty talk, oral; giving and receiving, choking, spanking, praising, degradation, pet names, sometimes Minho is a dick :)
SUMMARY: "Do you remember what you told me the first time we met?"
"What?"
"You said; Always leave people a little better than you found them" he looked at the floor with a small smile for a few seconds and then his eyes found mine. "You really annoyed me when we first met. I envied your optimism and excitement for life. But each time I saw you, I felt a certain thrill. You made me angry, you made me laugh., you made me feel everything. Something about you made me feel a little more alive each time. I know I fucked up and I know I'm an asshole but I'm also brutally in love with you."
Things are starting to get out of control and the game has turned into something completely different. Changbin was gone by the time I came back from the bathroom cause apparently Lia was not feeling well, so he drove her home. Emma and Seungmin have given up on the game and are making out on the couch, completely ignoring us and the rest of us are utterly drunk at this point. We continue to play nevertheless but the rules are probably none existent right now. Questions and dares are being asked around and everything is starting to become messy.
"Okay, no. That's not happening." Chan answers before I have the chance to.
"Chan-"
"Nope. You're drunk and you're not taking your shirt off." He throws Jisung a dirty look, who simply lifts his shoulders in defense.
"She dared me to go to the balcony and twerk for a whole minute in my underwear. It's only fair." Jeongin pouts.
I giggle at his expression. "I don't mind." I reach for the ends of my shirt, about to peel it off my body. Chris instantly moves to stop my hands but it's the low growl of my name from his lips that made me stop.
"You're not wearing a bra stupid," Chan whispers annoyed.
I slap my hand over my mouth. "Oops."
Jisung laughs, shaking his head. "I think it's time to call it a night."
I look around; Felix is sleeping beside him, well passed out probably, Emma and Seungmin are basically fucking in front of us, and Hyunjin-
"I think Hyunjin's going to be-" I didn't even finish my sentence before Hyunjin vomited all over the floor in front of him. "...sick"
"Fuck." Chris sighs, already on his feet.
Jisung gets up, not looking Hyunjin's way twice. "I'll bring the mop."
Chan pulls Hyunjin's head back, laying him down on his side. "Okay buddy, hold on."
"Great once again, we have no way to get home." I groan.
Seungmin lifts himself off of the couch with Emma wrapped around his waist. They make their way up the stairs without breaking the kiss for a split second or even sparing a glance at us.
"Excellent." I groan again.
"You can stay here." Jeongin offers casually. "We have space."
"We don't," Minho says, his tone cold and sharp.
"Yeah, we do," Jeongin continues nevertheless, his gaze avoiding his friend, looking around almost nervously. "We all have double beds."
Minho's eyes stay fixated on him, narrowing slightly until he turns to Chan, who's trying to wake up Hyunjin with no luck. "Do you need help taking them home?"
Chan rubs his hands over his face, thinking. "I'll have to take Felix and Hyunjin back to the frat and then Y/n back to her place since I'll be staying here tonight."
"That's basically back and forth. Just take them back to the frat and I'll take the girls." He offers, with his face, expressionless.
Chan looks between me and Minho, and I can almost see all his thoughts clouding his head. "She's drunk, I don't feel okay about leaving her alone."
"I'm completely fine, thank you very much."I try to stand up, but I stumble over my own two feet. His arms come up around me for support as I reach him, but he doesn't even glance down at me, his eyes are on Minho.
"You don't have to worry. Plus you've been drinking as well." He points out with a natural face, unbothered by the way Chan's looking at him. "I've only had like 2 shots."
It takes him a few seconds but to my surprise he sighs, "Fine."
"But I don't wanna go yet," I quickly whine.
"Is Emma gonna stay here?" He asks Chan, both of them ignoring me.
"It looks like it."
"Come on." Minho's hand comes around my arm, pulling me away from Chan's comfort. His rough grip makes me stumble, losing my balance due to the dizziness of my mind and the numbness of my limbs, but I feel his palm on my back and my eyes shoot up to his, I sober up immediately.
"Do you need any help?" Jeongin gets up from the couch.
Minho steels. "No, it's fine I got it."
"You sure?" He presses, taking a step towards us.
I feel his grip tightening on my arm, his sharp breath hitting the side of my head.
I clear my throat, noticing the sudden tension, and move away from his grip before he says anything back. "I'll be fine." I pull Jeongin into a quick hug. "I'll see you."
I grab my purse and jacket from the back of the couch, just when Jisung appears with a mop and a bucket in his hands.
"Are you leaving?" His face falls a bit.
"I don't want to." I pout back. "They're kicking me out."
"Let's go." Minho appears behind me, pushing me forward lightly and I send him a glare. "I don't have all night."
"Where are you going?" Jisung asks him.
He answers without looking at him, "I have to take her home."
"You don't 'have to' do anything, you offered actually. I can gladly call a cab." I turn around, not realizing just how close behind me he was.
"You're a child." He says with no emotion on his face.
"And you're an asshole." I fire back, getting annoyed. I never asked him to take me home. "I think I rather someone else take me!" I move past him, try to actually but his fingers wrap around my arm, sharply pulling me back.
"I said I'm taking you home. Now, get your ass out the door." He says, keeping his tone low.
"You don't tell me what I can and can't do." I take a few steps forward, tilting my head upwards to look at him. I take a look over his shoulder, noticing Jisung helping Chan with Hyunjin and Jeongin being nowhere to be found. "But I don't wanna cause yet another scene because of you and I'm tired. " I look back at him. "That's the only reason I'm walking out the door."
A smirk creeps into his lips. "Sure."
.
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.
.
His car is a black Jeep and it's surprisingly clean. No condoms or bags from fast food places are thrown on the ground.
"Seatbelt." His raspy voice echoes through the small space. I feel chills running down my arms partly from the cold yet I do as he says, and put my seatbelt on. It's hard not to let my eyes linger on his side profile as he starts the car and drives out of his parking spot, silently admiring how perfectly calm all of his features are yet how strong and sharp. It's rare to see any intense emotion painting his face, the only source that proves he is not a robot, is his eyes. The corners of his mouth lift slightly, letting me now that I've been caught. Fuck, I'm too drunk for this, and the more I stare at him the harder the realization that he's undeniably handsome hits me, so I focus my eyes on the road, instead.
"Just so you know I tend to talk a lot when I drink," I speak up, breaking the uncomfortable silence.
"Oh, I know." A small smirk appears.
Heat rises to my cheeks as the memories of the first time we met come to my mind. I wonder how he remembers me? I wonder if he thought about that night just as much as I've thought about it. I shake my head and force the questions down my throat. He obviously doesn't care, but still for some reason my nerves grow just like the silence between us, and my leg starts to bounce up and down.
"Stop."
I turn to him confused but he keeps his eyes on the road. His right hand move from the wheel to my knee, forcing it to a stop and the action is so fast and smooth that makes me suck a breath. His hand doesn't move, it lingers over the top of my knee for a few more seconds until it starts sliding slowly down my thigh. I don't breath, I don't dare to, not until his fingers finish brushing their way to the top off my thigh like a feather, only a few inches away from where I'm now suddently craving them to be.
"Why are you nervous?" His smirk grows, probably sensing who tense I am.
'I'm not ' is what I should answer but my mind is a blurry mess, a shit tone of questions are about to slip out of my mouth before I can stop them and the confidence that the alcohol in my system offers me doesn't help.
"Cause there's so much I wanna say but I know I shouldn't." I say instead.
His features still for a split second and his eyes turn to me. It looks like he thinks about his answer as well but after a few seconds, he says. " Why shouldn't you?"
I chuckle. "Cause it's a waste of time."
His eyebrows come together. "Why?"
"Cause you don't wanna talk to me. For some reason, you decided to not like me." I say before I can't stop myself. "And normally I wouldn't care, but I have been nothing but nice to you. A lot of times I come off as rude or cold, cause I'm just a bit closed off, I guess you can say." I turn to him. "But I have been so nice to you," I say again, raising my tone but smiling a bit. I don't know why, but I'm smiling.
He stops at a red light and turns to face me, resting his head back on the seat. His eyes are glistening under the dim light of the headlights.
I tilt my head, almost hypnotized. "Do you know that your eyes sparkle?"
His face twitches with interest. A rare sight. "What?"
I giggle bringing my knee up and resting my head on it, my eyes not leaving his. He tilts his head as well, looking at me like his searching for something and I'm waiting for him to talk. He lets out a sigh and bites his lip, his eyes studying my face. I wanna save this moment in my memories exactly how it is but I'm afraid that my drunken mind won't remember it clearly. I like that he's looking at me. And I like that we're not talking. I feel comfortable and peaceful. I could stay like this for hours. My mind blurry, unable to think or worry about anything. No anxiety, no emotions making me physically sick, just silence. My body relaxed, not pressured to dance a certain way or look a certain way. My mouth close, not trying to keep up with conversations or entertain anyone. Simply staying still and being looked at by him without saying a single word.
"I like this moment," I whisper, my thoughts out loud. The light has turned green but he doesn't seem to care, we're alone on the road anyway.
He hesitantly raises his hand, the action so familiar in the most intense and unsettling way that I close my eyes, mechanically.
"Open your eyes." He demands gently.
My eyes open, to meet his again but now with a different kind of light in them. Hard but soft, full of suppressed emotion. He brings his hand to the side of my head, tugging my hair behind my ear.
"You never have to close your eyes around me." He rubs his thumb over my cheek, my skin tingling underneath it. "I don't ever wanna see you flinch or cover your face when you're with me 'cause every time you do you push me closer to pulling up to that motherfucker's house and making sure he won't have fingers to lay on another female ever again." He says, his eyes darkening with each word and I can feel my heart warm. Warm by his words, warm by the way he's looking at me and touching me.
I nibble at my bottom lip, trying to cover up my smile unsuccessfully. "Are you bipolar?" At that, his face breaks into a smile, his perfect teeth on display. "No really, I'm curious, 'cause man you're confusing me."
He shakes his head, his bright smile slowly fading until it turns into a sad one. "What am I gonna do with you?" He whispers and I feel like he's talking more to himself rather than me.
"You're gonna drive me home, " I answer either way. "And we're gonna forget that this happened. You're gonna go back to you either being a dick to me just to get my attention or ignoring my whole existence until we get drunk and can be real with each other again." I say, trying to keep my eyes from closing.
The wave of comfort that suddenly came with the softness of his words and overall presence hits me hard. I feel his tender touch slide from the side of my face and I swear he said something but my brain had shut off and sleep took over me before I had the chance to hear what.
.
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.
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Tomorrow is the first official day of our winter break and normally, since it's Sunday night we would celebrate all together but somehow it's 9 p.m and I'm alone in my apartment, getting ready to binge-watch the Harry Potter movies for the 100th time. Hyunjin has made plans with Jisoo, Felix is hanging out with Changbin at the frat, probably watching some stupid basketball game and Emma has a date with Seungmin. And when I say date, I mean a fancy-ass dinner date, that I hope will make their relationship official. Chan's with Jisung at the studio but I'm not really in the mood to join them, so I decided to stay inside, which I've been craving actually. It's been a while since I've had a night to myself but 2 hours in and I've already regretted it. Being alone comes with having none but your own thoughts to keep you company and that is one thing I desperately wanna avoid. The thoughts about me, the thoughts about him. Thinking in general. Ever since we started hanging out with Chan's friends I've been constantly stepping out of my comfort zone. I went from staying inside every single day to going out every single weekend. I don't regret it though, I'm grateful for meeting them. I've really grown to like hanging out with them and I can see that Hyunjin, Emma, and Felix feel the same way, it's just that everything has been happening so fast, that I need to take a step back and collect myself a bit. I feel my head being all over the place, especially with everything that's happening with Minho. It's been definitely a while since I gave any man a single time of my day, let alone allow him to conquer my every thought the way that he does. I've been forcing myself not to think that much into anything about him but each time he will do something or say something that will just completely throw away all my logical thoughts and self-control. I have no idea how he sees me or what are his thoughts about us; if there's even an 'us' to begin with. I try to push the thoughts about him to the back of my head as I wrap my arms around my body tighter. I push the door of the convenience store, hearing the 'ring' sound echo throughout the store.
"Hey, Y/n." Nick greets me with a smile for his position behind the counter.
"Hi." I return the smile and walk further into the store, finding my way down the all-too-familiar hallway. I stand in front of the limited wine collection, searching for my favorite bottle of red wine but instead, I throw my head back and a small groan escapes me as I realize they're out.
"Great..." I mumble to myself.
"Y/n?"
My head snaps to the left, seeing Jeongin standing towards the end of the hall. A few beers, a bag of chips, and my favorite bottle of wine in his hands. With his face half-hidden inside his hood, he walks towards me.
I narrow my eyes a bit, focusing on the bottle in his hands. "You stole my favorite wine."
My words make him pause slightly and he looks down at his hands and then at the shelf.
"Sorry, but it's my favorite too." He half-smiles.
I take a deep breath. "Look it's been a long day and I really need to chill, watch a movie, and drink my comfort wine." My incredibly horrible mood begins to make an appearance, yet his smile doesn't falter.
"Well, someone's grumpy." He jokes.
"Yes, someone is."
"Well, it's been a long day for me as well. " He walks towards me. " And I wanna drink my wine and watch the game."
I groan in his face and he lets out a laugh. "Come on, Jeongin please."
My eyes must have really looked desperate cause his smile grew a little in the few minutes of silence. "Fine let's make a deal then." He offers.
I cross my hands. "I'm listening."
"We'll share." He smirks.
"I'm not watching basketball." I shake my head.
He rolls his eyes, taking a few seconds to think. "You like movies?"
On any other occasion, I would completely avoid any offer by a guy to watch movies and drink in my apartment but tonight I don't let myself think too much. The truth is that I need company to distract me from my thoughts that are eating me alive and also a few glasses of my favorite wine. If these two options come in a package deal with Jeongin, then so be it.
I let my lips form a smile. "Obviously. "
"Your place or mine?" He smiles back.
There's no way I'm going over to that house, with all the guys there. It's not gonna end well and I really need to relax tonight. I don't want the tension that comes with seeing Minho right now.
"Mine."
"Cool." He walks past me.
.
.
.
.
.
"It's not fair, I should have paid half," I whine for probably the 10th time, taking a seat next to him on the couch. It does feel a little bit weird to have a guy, besides my Hyunjin, Felix, and Chan, sitting comfortably in my living room, but nothing about Jeongin is or feels uncomfortable. In fact, our whole way back from the store was filled with easy-flowing conversation and the second he entered my apartment he acted as if he's been here many times before.
"It's whatever. " He brushes me off. "Just buy me coffee next time and we're even." He makes himself comfortable on my couch, spreading his arm at the back and letting his tall body lean backwards, fully relaxed.
I set the bowl of popcorn and the bottle of wine along with two glasses on the coffee table in front of us before taking a seat next to him. I keep a little amount of space between our bodies, my small couch not really helping, and grab a blanket, throwing it over my bottom half, trying to get comfortable as well.
"So what are we watching?" He pulls the blanket over to cover his legs as well. I can't help but giggle at how he tries to fit his tall body under the blanket, pulling it all to his side, leaving me completely bare.
"This is not gonna work." I shake my head.
His lips are in a loose smile, his eyes big, almost puppy-like looking back at me. He opens the side of the blanket, a silent offer for me to scoop a bit closer to him.
And so I do, without much thought. "You like Harry Potter?"
"Who doesn't?" He mumbles with his mouth already filled with popcorn.
I press play and grab my glass of wine.
. . . .
It was unexcepted honestly, how addictive his company was becoming each minute passing, or how fun. Even though I've never hung out with Jeongin one on one, it surprised me how comfortable and at ease I felt. His whole presence was like a light breeze, so easy going and smooth. Throughout the movie, he made jokes or comments, opening conversations effortlessly about the scenes or the movie in general, and the conversation continued to flow even after the movie ended. It felt easy getting to know him, from his upbringing to his first year of college, he talked to me like an open book. His dreams of becoming a singer and his passion for any form of art were no surprise to me but I didn't expect just how driven he is by his love for music. He talked about the rest of the guys and everything they're currently working on with stars in his eyes. I was a bit hesitant to offer him the same honesty he did to me but the hesitation didn't last very long and I found myself talking more than I've had in a long, long time. I purposely avoided sensitive topics and focused on my own journey with dance, what I really wanna do,my hopes and dreams along with a few small details about myself that I never really thought anyone would like to listen about yet he kept his eyes on me the whole time, listening patiently.
"Was it painful?"
He shakes his head with a small, sad smile. "Awfully painful, but worth it. She was my first love."
"My first love," I start already feeling heavy but the mention of him. "was awfully painful as well, but if I could go back, I would tell myself to run as far away from him as possible."
"Cheated?" He tries to guess.
"The cheating was the least painful part." The truth behind my words, so loud, that it made my chest tighten.
He nods lightly, his eyes moving all over my face, noticing the sudden sadness. "Love can be painful, but partly that's the beauty of it."
I look at him, my head tilting, intrigued. "What do you mean?"
"What's the point to be loved if not getting hurt as well?" He continues, with the same softness in his gaze. "Pain is a reminder that the love was real."
It's hard to not let the wave of emotions that came with his words take over me completely and It's hard not to break down in tears in front of him.
"But what if the pain never stops?" I whisper, my breath trembling.
His face softens even more. "It will. It will take time but it will go away, and you will heal. Maybe by yourself or maybe with the help of someone else."
I blink, feeling a tear rolling down my cheekbone but before I have time to catch it, his thumb comes up and gently slides across my face. My eyes shoot to his, facing nothing but pure understanding in his gaze.
"I think it's time to call it a night." He softy says, dropping his hand from my face. His body stays close to mine and I stay almost frozen. "I don't want you to get all emotional on me."
I smile at his attempt to joke the intensity of the conversation away, as he lifts himself off my couch.
"Thank you for the company." I lean against the doorway, as he adjusts his jacket.
"Anytime." He winks. "Come by the studio tomorrow, with that coffee you owe me."
A playful scoff escapes me, his flirty personality already growing on me.
"Maybe, I will."
My answer seems to satisfy him enough cause his face breaks into one last smile. "Goodnight, Y/n."
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I love cold weather. I love the rain, the snow, the wind. I love feeling cold and wearing layers and layers of clothes. Today is one of those days and I couldn't be happier about it. I'm wearing a pair of baggy black jeans and a black turtle neck with my leather jacket and a huge scarf on top as I make my way to the studio. I had completely forgotten that I made plans with Chan to meet at the studio at 11 am. It's now 1:14 pm and prepare myself mentally as I open the studio door.
"I'm so sorry" I apologize the minute I lock eyes with Chan, his face dead serious.
"I'm changing my best friend to Felix, that's it." He turns his back on me. He's sitting in his chair as usual, while Jeongin, jisung, and Changbin are sitting on the couches. I offer them a nod with a smile and find myself scanning the room for any sight of him but I find none.
"First of all. Felix is your best friend and second I slept late I'm sorry." I spin his chair around. He crosses his hands, keeping his face straight. "I'm here aren't I?" I pout.
He lets out a breath. "Fine, you're forgiven." He says and I grin at him, satisfied.
"I swear sometimes you guys act like a married couple." Jisung appears at my side passing Chan some papers.
I elbow him playfully at which he laughs. "What are you guys working on?" I ask, making eye contact with Jeongin, across the room. He offers me a small smile, and I can't help but smile back. I didn't want to admit it but when he left yesterday, my small apartment felt a tiny bit bigger and a little more empty. It's been a while since I enjoyed someone's company that much.
"We've finally finished the song." Changbin stretches his hands. "So 4 more to go."
"Oh my god, can I hear it?" I say getting excited.
"Sure. Hold on a sec" Chan nods. I turn around walking towards the couch to sit with the guys when the door opens.
"Hannie, I couldn't find apple juice anywhere, so I grabbed orange juice instead." Minho enters the studio, holding a bottle of orange juice. He stops in his tracks, as we stand almost face to face, my expression probably mirroring his. He seems a bit lost, definitely not prepared to see me but he recovers quickly, eyes blinking the shock away and face shifting into his usual bored-looking expression.
"Why are you here again?" He sighs.
I blink back at him, forcing myself to look away, and forcing the memories of the last time we saw each other that immediately rush into my mind with only a glance at his face, away. His tone was expected honestly, but I was kinda hoping that something would have changed between us. Nothing much, nothing major, but just a little something.
"Who's Hannie?" I clear my throat, looking at the guys.
"Oh, I'm Hannie." Jisung grabs the bottle from Minho. "My last name's Han."
"Oh." I nod a few times, focusing my eyes on him as I feel Minho staring at me, not moving. "That's cute. Can I call you Hannie too?"
"No, you can't," Minho mumbles and walks past me, taking a seat on the couch. Clearly, nothing has changed.
"Where's my coffee sunshine?" Jeongin grins at me, changing the subject, completely and I can't help but I get a feeling that he somehow sensed my discomfort.
"Shit." I slap my forehead. "I completely forgot, I'll go grab one right now."
"What coffee?" Changbin looks between us, confused. From the way everyone's looking at us I'm guessing that Jeongin didn't tell them that we hang out yesterday. I make eye contact with Minho, waiting for Jeongin to speak up. For some reason, I can't bring myself to say anything.
"Oh, Y/n and I hang out last night."
Minho's face immediately twitches.
"I met her when I went out to grab a few beers, and since we both had nothing to do we went back to her place and watch a movie."
The words make him inhale a deep breath through his nose. His tongue makes a circle on the inside of his cheek and the over his teeth, while he slowly leans forward, resting his hands on his knees. I can't help the small smirk that sneaks into my lips and the satisfaction that I feel seeing him trying to contain his annoyance. His eyes are completely still, focusing on me, not even blinking. And then, in a split second something shifts, as if a flame of anger passes through them, and then it's gone, leaving only a small smile on his dark pink lips. A dark smile that sends chills down my spine and makes my pulse raise in a fucking second. It's almost like something crossed his mind cause he drops my gaze and leans back taking his bottom lip between his thumb and index finger.
I clear my throat. "Yeah and h-he paid so, I offered to buy him coffee today." My face feels hot and Minho's eyes snap back to mine when he hears me shutter. I thought that I had the upper hand but right now I feel completely and utterly controlled by him. His eyes shine in the most challenging way.
Come on, Y/n focus.
"Chan, do you want a coffee?" I turn to him.
"Yes, please." He throws his head back.
"Great, I'll be right back." I move towards the door, but his voice stops me dead in my tracks.
"I'm coming, I want on too."
"I'll grab it for you, you don't have to come." I mumble, but he's already off the couch and walking towards me.
"I'll help you carry them." He says and it's not until his back is fully facing the rest of the guys that he lets his expressionless face fall into a smirk.
Fuck me.
"Minho grab one for me too." Jisung smiles and Minho lifts his eyebrows at me, the smirk not leaving his face. I sigh and walk out the door, not waiting for him. I can already feel the sweat building on my palms, my stomach turning and my heart rate rising but I continue to walk down the hall. I hear the studio door close and Minho's footsteps approaching me. Fast, maybe too fast. And then the air is knocked out of my chest as he grips my jacket and pulls me backwards so hard that my back colliding with his front was almost audible.
His sharp laugh vibrates on my back. "A movie huh?" He says, his voice sounding almost careful. As if he's trying to control himself. And that gives me a little boost. I take a breath collecting myself and masking my face. I turn to look at him, not moving my body.
"And wine" I add, shaking his grip off, and continue to walk, acting unbothered when in reality my whole back is on fire. Burning, from his touch and his breath against my neck
It takes him a second but he catches up and appears right beside me. "You're really testing my patience," He says so low, that it sounds like a growl.
"How so?" I keep my voice, loud and steady. "Why do you care?"
"I don't." He sharply laughs, shaking his head.
I break into a chuckle. "Oh my god, you're so entertaining." His head snaps my way so hard, that I'm surprised it didn't break as we keep walking, exiting the building. It's pretty clear that there's something between us, but of course, we're gonna go into fucking circles.
"Watching you use Jeongin, to get my attention is what's entertaining. You're trying too hard."
"I'm not using anyone." I scoff. "I like Jeongin, that's why I hang out with him."
"Hang out all you want with him." His face turns dark. "Just make sure that I don't find out if he laid a finger on you in a non-friendly way 'cause then I won't be that much entertaining angel." My heart does a little jump at the use of the nickname. It's the second time he calls me that and it tickles my ears in the most attractive way. The boys always use nicknames for me and Emma. Babe, baby, princess. I've heard them all, but none of them really stick out to me.
Angel. None's ever called me that before.
I stop in my tracks, his tone and words forcing anger out of me. He flashes me a devilish, satisfying grin. "Dude you're-" His eyes flicker to something behind me, his whole expression shifts, and suddenly my words disappear down my throat as the wind gets knocked out of my chest. In a swift motion, his hand wraps around my waist, making me crash into his body. I see black, my face buried in his chest and all I hear is a car honking as it drives away alongside my own heartbeat. I look up, so hesitantly, still holding my breath.
"Fucking asshole." He curses, following the car with his eyes, and then looks down at me. Concern. It's concern written all over his slightly wide eyes.
"Are you okay?" He brings his hand to the side of my head, searching my face, eyes moving everywhere, all over my face and body. I let out the breath I was holding and finally inhaled again, the air in my lungs hitting me like a train, almost burning me from the inside. 'I'm fine' I want to say but the words won't leave my mouth. I keep staring at him, my body freezing in his hands completely. I go numb and all I can hear is the sound of my own heartbeat.
His grip on my waist tightens. "Y/n."
I try to take another breath but it's hard. My stomach tightens and I can feel the unsettling feeling of panic making its way through my body. My ears start ringing and I tear my eyes away from his face, looking around, trying to focus on something. Anything.
"Hey," He cups my face with both of his hands, forcing my eyes back on him. "Focus on me yeah? Look in my eyes." His whispers in a soft voice. I exhale and try to take breaths from my nose. But the lump in my throat grows and my eyes begin to water. No, I won't cry again. I'm sick of this, this feeling of pure panic and inability to control my own mind. But the memories come rushing back, and suddenly I'm 13 again, covered in blood, screaming my lungs out. And it hurts. It hurts my brain and my heart so much that I suck a breath and bury my face in his chest. I feel him freezing, going still but it takes him only a few seconds for his arms to wrap around me.
I let out a silent sob, almost inaudible but his arms tighten even more. His hand brushed my hair softly before sliding down to my back, comforting me silently. As though he understood. As though he cared.
It felt like minutes passed but we stayed like this, glued to each other as his vanilla scent consumed me the more I buried my face into his chest, and slowly I felt like I could breathe again. But I didn't pull away. And he didn't as well. His arms felt good around me. So good, that it made my heart beat faster for a completely different reason.
I slowly lift my head, his big eyes, softer than ever looked down at me.
"I'm sorry." I pull my arms away slowly, unwrapping myself from him as the realization of what happened hit me almost as hard as that car was about to. "I'm so sorry." I flinch further away.
"Stop apologizing. " He shakes his head and takes a large step forward, closing the gap between us. He tilts my face to him, his eyes searching mine.
I wanna freeze time and keep this moment. This moment, that he's not being a dick, that he's not ignoring me, that his face is not hard and his eyes are soft, and I slowly realize that I want more moments like this with him, I wanna keep the feeling of his hands on me and the weird sense of safety that comes with it.
"Yeah." I snap back to reality. "I'm-" I clear my voice. "I was in a car accident a few years ago." The words come out before I can stop them "I'm sorry. It just happened so fast." I add, laughing awkwardly.
"Oh," Something flashes in his eyes and his hands slowly drop from my body. "I understand." He nods his head to himself a couple of times, not saying anything else. He lifts his eyes to mine, no words come out of his mouth but I feel like his gaze is silently questioning me if I wanna talk about it. I chew on my bottom lip, shaking my head lightly and trying to look anywhere else. I'm grateful that he doesn't press the matter further, not that I was expecting him to start any sort of conversation for anything.
"Come on let's go." I turn around and begin to walk. His hand comes around my waist once again, pushing me to the inner side of the sidewalk.
"Sidewalk rule." He smiles.
.
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"Look who's back for his second coffee of the day already." A girl with long. blond hair and big round glasses say as we reach the counter of the coffee shop.
"Hey, Maddie." Minho smiles at her and she smiles back. I stand beside him awkwardly staring at the menu, in front of me, even though I know exactly what I'm getting. "I love your hair today." He complements her and I almost snorted out loud. I wanna laugh at the way he speaks to her, I've never heard him use this tone or words to anyone.
"What can I get you? " She tugs a piece of hair behind her ear and looks at him through her glasses. I try not to roll my eyes at her classic move. Her focus stays completely on him, not even acknowledging me, standing right next to him.
"Can I have 3 iced Americanos, an iced latte, and..." He turns to me, leaning closer, and puts his hand on the counter, on the other side of my hips, kind of trapping me between his hands.
"What do you want angel?" He says close to my ear, making the blood rush into my cheeks. The girl's face visibly drops and I feel a spark of satisfaction.
"Um," I try to find my voice. "I'll have an iced latte as well." I smile at the girl, nevertheless.
She looks between us and nods with a smile. "Coming right up." When she leaves to make our order, I push Minho away, glaring at him and he laughs under his breath.
"Jealousy doesn't look good on you."
I roll my eyes. "I'm not jealous stupid. I'm uncomfortable." I pull my credit card out of my pocket.
"I'm paying." He says.
"No way. I offered to get coffee."
"I don't care." He steps in front of me, placing both of his hands on the counter.
"Fine. Then I'll pay for Jeongin's and my coffee and you can pay for the rest." I offer, trying to squeeze my way back to the counter.
"There you go" The blonde girl comes back with our coffees.
"Thank you, Maddie." Minho nods with a smile. He grabs the 3 Americanos. "Y/n, can you grab the resto for me?"
"Yeah, sure." I grab the other two but before I have time to do anything he places his phone in front of the little machine and I hear the familiar 'blink' from apple pay. "See you, tomorrow." He smiles at her.
"You're not buying him a damn coffee." He says inches away from my face and then walks out of the coffee shop.
We made our way back to the studio in almost complete silence but I was too lost in my thoughts to realize. He seemed in his head as well, cause whenever I would steal glances at him as walked, he didn't look at me once. I would kill to know what he was thinking. Or what he thinks about me in general.
.
.
.
" You have a beautiful voice." I turn to Jisung, with a genuine smile. Chan played me their song and I must say that I'm completely shocked. It's amazing how all of their voices blend in perfectly together.
His cheeks turn pink. "I sound okay."
"Oh my god," Minho rolls his eyes. "Take a compliment for once."
Jisung buries his face in his hands, blushing even more. I let out a giggle and try to take his hands off of his face. I hear Minho release a breathy laugh, drawing my attention. He's staring at Jisung with a small smile on his lips, his face is relaxed and his eyes hold a softness that I don't usually see in them. Their friendship is really interesting to me. Somehow I'm interested in anything that involves him. I have this urge to just unravel him and learn every little detail about him. Maybe cause he's been a mystery to me all this time or maybe because I'm simply drawn to him in a way that I can explain and absolutely hate.
"Seungmin, Jeongin, and Minho are the vocalists. I just help sometimes." He mumbles with a shy smile.
"I offered to change spots." Minho says.
"First of all, you can't rap to save your life."
"Bullshit" Minho scoffs.
"And second," Jisung continues "Your voice is too good to waste."
"Aww," I place a hand over my heart. "You're too sweet, I can't"
"What can I say?" He shrugs. " I am a pretty sweet guy."
I take a deep breath, getting myself ready. "So you're a vocalist? I haven't heard you sing yet." I turn to Minho. This is the first time I address him in a conversation, without trying to pick a fight, so this can go both ways.
His posture remains relaxed and his small smile from before grows into a smirk. "I haven't seen you dance yet."
Some tension rolls off of me. "That will not happen."
"Then you won't hear me sing."
I narrow my eyes on him. "You know I can just ask Chan to play me the song you recorded last time right? Your demo specifically."
His smirk grows more. "And you know that I know where you practice?" He shoots back. "Right?"
"Shut up." I shake my head.
He lets his lips turn into a smile. His teeth are exposed to me for the first time. His smile lights up his whole face and I let my eyes admire him a bit.
"Y/n?" Chans calls.
"Yeah?"
He keeps his eyes on Minho for a few seconds before speaking. "I think we need to talk to Hyunjin," he says in an unsure tone.
"What?" I straighten up. "What do you mean?"
"Check his insta story and the group chat." he says staring at his phone. I pull out my own phone and open Instagram to check his story.
"He's listening to that song..." Chan sighs, making eye contact with me.
"What song?" Jisung leans closer to me, trying to take a look.
"And he's spamming the group chat..." I mutter.
"And what about it?" Minho leans in as well, trying to hide his interest.
"It's his break-up song.." Chan sighs. "I'm going."
"No," I get up. "I think it's better if I go."
I grab my bag and my jacket. "Okay, but text me." Chan says.
"I will."
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He buries his face further into my arms as he sobs uncontrollably. For as long as I know him, I have never seen Hyunjin cry like that, he's a mess. When I walked into his room, I found him curled into a ball, under layers of blankets, staring at the ceiling with bloodshot eyes.
I smooth his messy blonde hair, trying to calm him down. "I'm going to kill her." I say through my teeth.
He sniffs. "How can she be so fucking fake?"
"I don't know." I honestly answer, shaking my head. They'd been with each other for almost a year now, she looked head over heels for him. Hyunjin went over to her dorm to surprise her and he caught her fucking some other dude.
"Wait, who was the guy?" The question that I had totally forgotten to ask, suddenly pops up in my mind.
He lifts his head to look at me through his wet lashes. "One of Jackson's friends."
I tense up. "What?" My voice comes out louder than I intended.
He nods his head. "Yeah, I swear once I stop crying, I'll beat the shit out of him." He says through sniffs.
"I'll do it for you, don't worry." I clench my jaw. " God, I fucking hate him and his whole group." Even when Jackson and I were dating, I never really got along with his friends. They were all just a bunch of stupid fuckboys with absolutely zero respect towards anyone.
"Actually, I have to tell you something." He hesitantly says.
"I don't like the sound of that."
"Well," He thinks for a second and I feel myself already getting annoyed. "Remember when I told you that I'll ask around for the club we were talking about? For New years? The one that has live performances?"
"Yeah.." After a lot of fighting and back and forth, we decided that on New Year's Eve, we'll stay at the frat until midnight and then go to this super popular club that everyone is talking about around campus. It's going to have live performances by unknown artists. Many people say that Drake and Jack Harlow are 2 of them. The problem is that we don't know how we're getting in.
"Um," He pauses.
"Oh my god, Hyunjin just say it."
"Jackson's uncle owns the club." He finally says.
I groan, blurring my face into my hands. "That's just fucking great."
"So we can't beat them up just yet. " He jokes.
Jackson is incredibly famous around campus and his career is pretty much set already thanks to his father's connections to the music industry. To be honest, he is talented but everything has been handed to him, he never really tried for anything.
WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self harm, eating disorders etc.. mentions of blood, swearing, smoking, smut [ dirty talk, oral; giving and receiving, chocking, spanking, praising, degradation, pet names, sometimes Minho is a dick :)
SUMMARY: "Do you remember what you told me the first time we met?"
"What?"
"You said; Always leave people a little better than you found them" he looked at the floor with a small smile for a few seconds and then his eyes found mine. "You really annoyed me when we first met. I envied your optimism and excitement for life. But each time I saw you, I felt a certain thrill. You made me angry, you made me laugh., you made me feel everything. Something about you made me feel a little more alive each time. I know I fucked up and I know I'm an asshole but I'm also brutally in love with you."
Y/N's POV:
I wrap my jacket tighter around my body, stuffing my hands in my pockets. "I thought you said you don't smoke anymore."
Chan's lips tug into a smile while keeping the cigarette secure between his teeth. "I did." He circles his hand around the cigarette and lights it up. "But you know." He exhales a cloud of smoke. I tilt my head, focusing my eyes on him. He looks tired. His face seems pale and his eyes are red with dark circles under them. He stares at the cigarette, watching it slowly burn. He looks like a ghost.
"When’s the last time you slept?" I ask.
He puts his legs on the bench, bringing his knees closer to his chest, and rests his arms on them. "Wednesday." It's Friday night. "When was the last time you ate?" He questions back.
I take the cigarette out of his hand and bring it to my lips. "Thursday morning." I blow out the smoke.
"Your mother would not like that." He takes it back before I have the chance to take a second puff.
"Which one? Me not eating or me smoking?" I joke.
He doesn't laugh. "Both."
I know. "Well, my mom wouldn't be happy with you not sleeping. Or smoking."
He chuckles and throws his cigarette on the ground, lowering his foot to step on it. "Well, I guess we're both stupid pieces of shit that Miss Erica would be disappointed with ."
"Yeah." I giggle.
I didn't wanna go home after what happened with Minho in the dance studio. I couldn't cause that's all that I would be thinking about if I was alone in my room and that's something I can't have right now. Overthinking about boys who can't figure themselves out is not something I wanna get back into. I was also not in the mood to put a happy mask on and go out with my friends or worst heavy them with my problems. So I called Chan. Like I always do when I wanna be alone but not by myself. He's the person that knows me the best and the only person that I'm not ashamed to be around whenever I'm not doing good. He has seen me at my absolute worst. He has picked me up from the streets blacked out drunk, he has held my hair back when I was throwing up and he has helped me take a shower and get dressed when I couldn't even get out of bed. As much as I love all of my friends, Chan is the one who patiently sat there and helped me when I was crying over a bowl of pasta, he was the one who stayed with me until 3 am in the studio, recording me and helping me when I was practising. No matter what was going on in his life he always took me on night drives cause he knows that it helps me sleep and he always watched with me any show I was obsessed with at the time until the morning. He was always there for me and I always have been there for him. We only have one rule; Never lie to each other. I broke that rule a year ago.
"But it's different with you, you know my mom loves you. You're Jax's replacement and he was my mom's favourite." I bump my shoulder to his and feel him freeze.
"That was a bad one bro." He shakes his head and I break out in a laugh.
"I love how you're still not used to my dead family jokes."
"And never will be." His lips form a tight smile.
"My mom called me today."
"She called me too."
I scoff. "Of course."
"She wanted me to convince you to go to London with her and Will."
I roll my eyes. "God I love her but sometimes she really suffocates me. I'm 22 and she still treats me like a fucking baby." Chan takes a breath and turns his gaze to the floor. I know what he's thinking. "What? Say it."
"Come on now, Y/n." He turns to me. "First of all you really should be happy that you have a mother that actually cares." His eyes twitch with emotion and guilt starts creeping in. "And second, you're not taking care of yourself. How are you expecting her not to worry about you?" I drop my eyes to my shoes, knowing he's right and feeling like shit for the second time tonight.
I hear him sigh. "Fuck, I'm sorry." He wraps his hand around my shoulder, pulling me in. "I didn't mean to sound so harsh. I'm sorry."
"It's okay." I inch closer. "You were right anyway."
"I'm just stressed. I'm so fucking stressed with work, college, and the boys. Everything is just too much sometimes and I get discouraged. Like is this even worth it?" He questions out loud. "All of these boys put their dreams in my hands and this music thing might not even work out."
"Chan, it's not like that. I know that it's in your nature to take the leading role but just because you're their leader doesn't mean that their dreams are your responsibility. They chose to do this and trusted you to lead them into this. You're all in this together." Sometimes I feel like Chan holds the whole world's responsibility on his shoulders and at times like this, I try to remind him that it's okay to be taken care of once in a while.
"I don't know. I just- I really wanna do this, I really want us to make it."
"You guys haven't even finished college yet." I let out a small chuckle, trying to lighten up his mood. "You're working towards your goal and you're doing great."
"Thank you Y/n." He rests his head on mine. "I don't know what I would've done without you. You're the reason I'm working towards my dreams. If I hadn't met you I would probably be living in the street. " He finally lets his lips turn into a small smile.
I poke the little dimple that appears which causes him to smile wider. "No, thank you."
"I haven't done half of the shit you've done for me."
"You know that's not true." I pout. "You're my support system. I probably wouldn't be alive if it weren't for you."
He pushes me away slightly and I let out a laugh. "Shut up, oh my god."
"It was a joke."
He lifts himself up and looks down at me. "Come on" He offers me his hand.
I take it with no hesitation. "Where are we going?"
His smile reaches his eyes and he gives me a knowing look. "How about we go for a drive? Music up, windows down, and grab something to eat?"
I tighten my grip on his hand and take my bottom lip between my teeth, fighting the wave of anxiety that washes through me at his words. "I don't know Chan."
He lowers his face, his eyes staring at mine. "Please, just a little."
I know he's right and I feel a lot more comfortable eating when he's around anyway. "Okay."
"That's my girl." He pulls me under his arm and walks me to his car.
»»————- ————-««
Minho's POV:
My knuckles are starting to burn but I keep punching the punching bag with all the power that my body can master right now. I punch and punch but as much as my body moves, the image of her won't shake from my head. It felt too real. She was so close that my body was burning and my mind became a mess, unable to think straight. She strips me of all the self-control that I've been building my whole life and confuses me to the point that I wanna bang my head against a fucking wall. Why her? Why now? My mind has been reaching for her all this time and now that I have her right in front of my face my body is unable to hold back. She's pulling me in and it's getting harder and harder to hold myself back. I fucking hate that. I hate how my mind decides to give people power over me. I don't want her. I want this feeling to be gone and I want to bury all these memories and thoughts of her. I throw one last punch and rest my head against the punching bag. The hurt in her eyes, seeing how much my words got to her gave me satisfaction, knowing that I have just a bit of power over her as well. She hated me more and more but the more anger that I forced out of her the more it drew me in. Fuck, I wanted to kiss her so bad. Even though I knew what that would do to me, I was ready to risk it all. I had her pushed against the glass, her body pressed against mine and I would have fucking devoured her. The switch in my brain came a bit late but came nevertheless. I bite the end of the glove with my teeth and pull it off, removing it and then taking the other one off as well. I push my hair backward, feeling little drops of sweat drip from the ends and down my forehead. I peel off my shirt and shorts as I walk towards the shower. I let the cold water wash over me, making my body freeze, forcing my heartbeat to slow down and I rest my head against the wall finally being able to breathe. It's a never-ending circle. It gets better until it doesn't. Everything's going too fast until it's going too slow and I'm tired of trying to keep everything under control.
I don't know how long I stayed under the shower. At some point, my limbs turned so numb that the cold water started to hurt my skin. I place the phone between my shoulder and my ear as I unlock my car.
"Hey," Chan answers after 2 rings.
"Where are you?" I immediately ask, throwing my bag on the backseat.
"People say hi first, Minho." He teases and I can't help but roll my eyes.
"Hey, Hi, hello." I pull out of the parking lot. "Where are you?"
"I'm still at the studio." Of course, he is. We sometimes tease Chan that he's a workaholic but jokes aside he actually is. "Where are you?" He asks back.
"I just left the gym, had to blow off some steam." I sigh. I picked up boxing last year and it has really helped me. Putting all my anger and frustration into punching the punching bag instead of someone's face has definitely kept me out of a lot of trouble. Chan's actually the one who gave me the idea. "Care to go for a drink?"
"A drink?" He chuckles. "I don't know man, I really have to finish this."
"Okay new plan," I make a turn, heading to the studio. "I bring the liquor to the studio, we get drunk, and write a super emotional song that's actually going to be a fucking hit one day."
"Okay done."
"Cool, I'll be there in 5," I say and hang up.
»»————- ————-««
Y/N's POV:
It's Saturday morning, and though most college students would still be drunk, sleeping on the floor of someone else's apartment, or suffering from a terrible hangover, Chan's been in the studio since 8 a.m. He's been struggling with insomnia ever since I met him but lately, it's been getting really bad, he hasn't been sleeping at all, and trying to keep up with college and work has been taking a toll on him. I decided to pass by the studio before practice to bring him a coffee. The studio is quiet as expected on a Saturday morning. I knock 2 times before pushing the door open with my free hand. Chan's sitting in the chair in front of the table with all of his equipment, the recording racks, keyboards, and all of the shit that at one point I tried to learn what they do but failed. Jeongin and Jisung are sitting on the couch and Seungmin is sitting across them in the armchair with a black guitar on his thighs. All 3 of the boys' heads snap to the door.
"Hi" I smile at them.
"Hi kid" Han smiles back.
"Hi y/n" Jengin nods.
"I didn't know you guys would be here, I would have brought you all coffee." I pout.
"Oh, it's fine" Seungmin waves me off.
My eyes turn to Chan, who hasn't noticed my arrival due to the headphones that are covering his ears. I place our coffees on the table and go to stand behind him. I bend down a bit and wrap my arms around his shoulders. I feel him jerk a bit but as soon as his eyes recognize it's me, he breaks into a smile.
"What are you doing here? You scared me." He takes his headphones off and places the around his neck. I don't move, keeping my hands around him.
"I wanted to surprise you, I brought you coffee" I rest my chin on his shoulder. "As a thank you for the other night."
His hand comes up to my hair. "Awww!"
"Shut up" I release him and walk to the table in front of the guys to garb his coffee. When I turn to give it to him, my eyes lock with Minho's. He's inside the booth, probably recording. My stomach turns and I can almost hear my pulse quicken at the sight of him staring at me, his gaze piercing me. I force myself to take my eyes off him and back to Chan. Of course, he would be here, he's fucking everywhere.
"There you go" My lips turn into a forced smile.
"Thanks, babe" He takes the coffee from my hand. "Don't you have practice today? "
"Yeah, but it's fine I'll go later." I shrug.
"Okay, can you give me a second, I need to finish this with Minho." He says, putting his headphones back on.
I nod, grabbing my coffee and taking a seat beside Jeongin.
His head snaps to me. "Hi there"
"Hi" I lean closer. "What are you doing?"
"Just writing some lyrics"
"Are you guys still working on the same song?" I turn to Jisung.
He shakes his head. "No, we've finished that on one. Actually, Minho's recording the last of it right now"
"Oh cool." I nod.
"This one's a new song that Chan and Minho came up with last night. Wanna take a look?" Jeongin turns the notebook towards me, allowing me to read what they've been writing.
Chan and Minho? Interesting. "Sure" I lean a bit closer to him, our shoulders touching. I notice that he smells like mint. "Damn," I mutter reading the words.
"Minho had the original idea of the song," Jisung says.
Seungmin nods. "Yeah, his ideas are usually ..not about happy stuff" He struggles with the words and lets a small laugh under his breath. I turn to look back at the booth. The headphones are pushing his hair back, exposing his forehead, and his lips are moving, singing words that I'm not able to hear clearly. Suddenly his eyes snapped open, finding mine. There's something in his stare, something different and I feel like the seconds are turned to hours. He looks at me like there's something hanging from his lips, words he needs to say. His eyes look almost apologetic but still cold and indifferent.
"Can I have a sip?" Jeongin says, forcing my eyes back to him. His long arm is resting on the back of the couch just behind my head, his body and face closer to me than before.
Heat spread across my face at his sudden movements. "Y-Yeah sure" I hand him the coffee.
"Minho, can you please focus so we can wrap this up" I hear Chan exhaling loudly, drawing our attention. He's still staring at me as if his eyes never left when I looked away. And then he blinks, several times with a tiny shake of his head before he focuses back on his task. This very short moment, our exchange of looks did not go unnoticed by Chan. His eyes felt like they were burning the side of my head and when I turn to look at him, his face was completely straight, bluntly staring between me and Minho. I offered him a small smile but it doesn't do much.
I hear an exhale of satisfaction and my head snaps back to Jeongin. "Hey, you said one sip." I reach for my coffee, almost half of it now gone.
Both of his eyebrows lift playfully. "Oops."
"You guys are coming tonight right?" Jisung asks
"As far as I know yeah, all of us are coming"
"Nice. This is going to be fun" He smirks.
"You're scaring me"
"No need little one, we'll take good care of you" He drops his voice, leaning closer to me.
"Stop." I laugh, pushing him.
The sound of the door slamming makes all of our heads turn to Minho.
"It's done?" Jisung asks.
"Yep," Minho simply answers and takes a seat beside Jisung. Jisung's hand comes up to mess with Minho's hair with a small smile and surprisingly Minho doesn't move away from his touch. Chan did say that they're pretty close yet seeing Minho like this with someone feels...weird. Not in a bad way but in a way that I'm suddenly intrigued. A part of me is curious about what it takes to get him to open up like this, and maybe an even smaller part of me, slightly craving this side of him as well. Chan gets up from his chair, his arms stretching over his head as he walks our way, his white hoodie rising enough for his lower abs to show.
"Stop drooling" He smirks, dropping his hands back down, noticing me looking his way.
"It's not my fault, you're casually flashing your abs" I defend. "Sorry, I have eyes."
He takes a seat beside me, his arm extending towards the back of the couch with his fingers brushing my shoulder. The way the side of his body is pressed against mine is nothing new or unfamiliar and it doesn't feel uncomfortable until I notice the short, sharp glances that are exchanged between him and Minho.
"What time are you guys coming over?" Seungmin asks.
Minho has moved away from Jisung's grip, now leaning back against the couch with his legs spread apart and his arms crossed. His face, an unreadable mask.
"Um around 9 probably. Is that okay?" I turn to Seungmin.
"Yeah, that's perfect." He says.
"Great!" I turn to Chan. "No that that's settled, and you have your coffee, I have to run."
"Can't you stay a bit longer?" His shoulders shrug a little.
"I wish but I really have to practice." I sigh, getting out of his grip.
"I can drop you off," Jeongin says. "I was gonna leave anyway."
I don't even have time to respond before he speaks up.
"But you said that you were going to work on the lyrics with Jisung today." Minho's voice comes out low and raspy, somehow heavy in the room. A second of silence passes by until Jeongin speaks again.
"I'll come back later, I'm pretty tired" Jeongin gets up, avoiding Minho’s intense gaze and I do the same as I drag my feet to the door. I offer the rest of the guys a nod and a goodbye before walking behind Jeongin as he leads us out of the studio, to his car.
»»————- ————-««
"Where's Em?" Hyunjin asks as I open the door.
I leave it open for him to come in and walk back to my bedroom. "Already there."
"What's with the long face?" He follows me. "Come on cheer up, we're going to have some fun. We deserve it, we had a pretty tough week." He takes a seat on my bed as I put on my earrings, looking at myself in the mirror. Maybe I should change my outfit. Or my hair. Maybe the red lipstick wasn't the right choice. "Stop looking, you're gorgeous." He ensures me, almost as if he read my mind. I drop my eyes to the floor with a small smile. He gets up, coming to stand right next to me, both of us facing the mirror. His hands come up to adjust his shirt.
"You should leave your hair natural more often, you look like a baby lion." He takes on a curl and twirls it around his long finger.
"That's the hottest thing anyone has ever called me." I double-check my makeup in the mirror, unable to stop the small smile that creeps on my lips.
"That's a better mood." He says satisfied.
I sigh and confess, "I just have anxiety around tonight. I don't feel like going, to be honest."
He frowns. "Why? You know all the guys and they're all chill, there's no reason for you to be anxious. It's gonna be fun."
"Not all of them are chill. " I mumble.
"Oh come on." He understands what I'm trying to say. "He's probably into you and that's his way of flirting."
"He's trying to flirt with me by being a dick to me?"
"Yeah, a lot of people are like that." He shrugs. "Enemies to lovers, you know?"
I roll my eyes. "Whatever."
He gets up and grabs my bag from the bed. "Just ignore him and have fun."
I sigh with a nod. "You're right." I smoothen out my pants and run a hand through my hair, trying to suppress all my thoughts.
He offers me his hand. "Come on, let's go."
»»————- ————-««
"I thought that you would never come." Jisung's warm smile greets us as he opens the door.
I pull him into a quick hug. "We just like making an entrance."
"Well, you sure did." He wraps his hand around Hyunjin's shoulders and leads us into the living room, where everyone is sitting. I make eye contact with Emma immediately, who's sitting beside Seungmin on the couch, with her legs on his lap. She smiles back, biting her lip and I almost laugh out loud. I bet she's had a few drinks by now. I scan the room, taking in the people already seated and my eyes can help but find him first. Jisung takes a seat on Seungmin's other side while Minho, Changbin, and a girl I don't recognize are sitting on the other couch. I stare at Minho's side profile while he's staring at his phone. He's laid back, with his legs spread wide and his thumb between his lips, biting his nail. All of his features calm until Chan's voice fills the room.
"Y/n!" He yells coming out of the kitchen with two bowls filled with chips and popcorn in his hands. Minho's eyes snap in Chan's direction and in seconds, they find mine. For a split second I'm backing the dance studio, my back pressed against the glass and his face inches away from mine. I can almost feel his breath tickling my skin.
I turn to Chan with a smile, breaking eye contact immediately. "Hi." I take on one bowl, helping him. Felix and Jeongin come out of the kitchen as well, with bottles of alcohol, cups, and a bunch of different sodas. "Hi, guys." I give them a quick hug after we put everything on the coffee table between the couches. Jeongin and Chan sit on the 2 armchairs while Felix, Hyunjin, and I take a seat on the floor.
"I like your hair." Jeongin comments first thing when we take a seat.
"Thanks," I chuckle awkwardly at his direct compliment. "I don't, but thanks." He opens his mouth to say speak again but Changbin's loud clap stops him, getting everyones' attention.
"Okay, let's have a couple of shots, and then we can get started with the games."
»»————- ————-««
We have music playing in the background as we take shot after shot. The girl beside Changbin is named Lia and she's really nice. She's a theater major and from the looks of it, I can clearly tell that there's something going on between them. I throw my head back, feeling my throat burning as I drown my 6th shot, and close my eyes, swallowing.
"Okay," Chan hisses, slamming his cup to his thigh. "I think that's enough, let's get started."
"Truth or Dare?" Jisung offers, his tone challenging and I almost groan out loud. My hatred for this game is incredibly strong. I can't recall a time that I've played it and it didn't end up bad, and considering the situation and the people playing, I'm terrified.
"Fuck yeah," Changbin agrees. "Rules; If you don't do the dare; you drink, If you don't wanna be honest; you drink." He explains.
Even though since I sat down I've been trying to avoid looking his way, I can practically feel his gaze on me. And as everyone’s talking about the rules, I gave in to the heat I'd been feeling on the side of my face and, lifted my own gaze to meet his. And maybe it's the alcohol that so heavily entered my system but the look in his eyes made my breath hitch for a split second. With his hair pushed back, his forehead exposed and those thick almost perfect eyebrows, he looks like a fucking model in my drunken eyes and I can't help but unconsciously tilt my head at the sight with the smallest smile. His teeth make an appearance, wrapping around his bottom lip and I can see the corners of his mouth lifting only the tiniest bit.
Interesting.
"I'll start." Changbin clears his throat but I don't move my gaze, I hold his eyes as he brings his cup to his lips, taking a sip. "Hyunjin," He says, and Hyunjin smiles. "We'll start off easy, truth or dare?"
"Truth."
"How many people have you slept with?" He asks.
"I can answer that one." I joke, lifting my hand but he grabs my wrist and brings it back down.
"I will break your hand." He shakes his head, fighting a smile. "Um, I think about 20 people." He truthfully answers.
"Damn." Seungmin comments.
"Yeah, he's a manwhore." I tease him again.
He pokes the inside of his cheek with his tongue. "Y/n, truth or dare?"
I narrow my eyes at him, honestly scared of what he might ask. "Dare."
"I dare your ass to take a shot and pass it to someone else." His smile grows. "Mouth to mouth, lips touching and all."
The question makes everyone let out low whistles or start cheering all ready for me to do it. My lips form a tight line realizing that I'm definitely not drunk enough to find it challenging or even a bit funny. "You're such an asshole." I say, not wanting my hesitation to show in my voice.
"Who are you passing it to?" He asks as he pours a shot of tequila into my cup, making the decision for me. I look at all of them carefully, thinking. I can't pick Hyunjin cause he was the one to ask me, so I'm debating between Felix and Chan, cause there are the ones I feel the most comfortable with. I could also pick Em, but it's again, the safest option. As my eyes go from person to person, searching, they stop on him. He smirks, his eyes challenging me. I shift my gaze to Jeongin for a few seconds and then back to Minho, challenging him back in a way, making the small smirk that was playing on his lips disappear and his head to drop a little lower. His eyebrows frown just a little causing his gaze to darken. Oh, how I'm dying to say Jeongin's name just to see his reaction but that would be so predictable of me. I don't wanna annoy him, I wanna challenge and intrigue him.
I smile, an idea crossing my mind. "Lia."
My choice is a surprise to everyone.
"Oh shit," Changbin says with an excited laugh. "We're starting off strong."
Lia's cheeks have a hit of pink but she sends a grin my way, lifting herself off of her seat beside Changbin. I return the grin as she drops to her knees in front of me. I stay on my knees but instead of sitting, I stand straight. She gives me a small nod, letting me know she's ready and I bring the cup to my lips, taking the liquor in my mouth. The insides of my cheeks burn as I place my hands on her jaw. She opens her mouth wide and I bring my lips close to hers, pouring the shot carefully. I hear whistles and screaming but I keep my eyes on hers until we're done. She swallows, a few drops escaping from the corners of her lips, and turns around to everyone with her mouth open.
"Fuck yeah!" Changbin grabs her hand and pulls her to sit back down, next to him.
Everyone's clapping and shouting, causing a wave of confidence to run through me.
"She's baaack!" Hyunjin whispers in my ear as I return to my previous position, smiling. I can feel his eyes on me again, and I know that I'm secretly loving the silent attention his giving me.
"Okay, who's next?"
»»————- ————-««
The game continues, we get drunker and the questions get crazier. Chan's only wearing his boxers, Changbin has recreated 5 of his favorite sex positions with Lia, Emma took Seunngmin's shirt off with her teeth, Jeongin revealed that he lost his virginity at 15, and Felix that he is a bottom. Minho took a shot because he didn't want to go to the balcony and moan for a whole minute and Hyunjin took a shot as well because he wouldn't make out with Felix's foot. I find myself actually having fun, not faking any smiles or laughs and I haven't felt like that in a while. It's nice. It feels almost impossible not to let my eyes travel his way every once in a while. He, as well, looks like he's having fun, which is weird for him. Ever since I met him, I haven't seen him genuinely smiling like he is now. His face has completely transformed and it's hard to look away. He's laughing and drinking and for once, he's not tensed, he's completely relaxed. He's not glaring at me any chance he gets, his eyes have lightened up and all the rude comments are gone. He's having fun and I'm having fun and I'm scared cause I don't know how long this is gonna last, us being in the same place, getting along. Well, kinda. We haven't exchanged a single word but still, I feel like being in the same room and not wanting to pull each other's hair out is enough for me.
"Yes, I have." Emma says proudly.
"Hold on," Jisung tries to speak through his laughter. "You're bisexual?"
The word brings a light shade of red across her face."No" She shakes her head.
"Who was the girl?" Seungmin asks. Both Hyunjin and Chan clear their throats, trying to control their laughs and I take a sip from my drink.
"That's a long story." Felix looks between me and Em with a smirk.
Jisung follows Felix's eyes " Wait..." He narrows his eyes on me and I try to cover my smile with my cup. "No way" His eyes widen. "No fucking way."
Jeongin seems to catch up from beside me. "You hooked up with Y/n?" He laughs.
"Oh, my god." Seungmin covers his face with his hands.
"It was one time and we were wasted." Emma tries to explain but a laugh escapes her as well.
"They made out in front of everyone, it was legendary." Hyunjin nods from the floor.
"Okay, Okay, let's move on." Knowing how shy Emma gets, I try to take the attention off of us. "Em, you ask."
"Jeongin, truth or dare?" She challenges him.
"Dare me."
"Give someone a lap dance," Emma smirks.
"Come on, man" Jeongin throws his head back. I flicked my eyes at Emma, noticing the look on her face. She winks back. Oh, no.
"Please do it, I'm begging you" Changbin laughs.
Jeongin pokes the inside of his cheek with his tongue and looks around. "I love you guys but I'm not giving any of you a lap dance."
"But you're a great dancer." Minho teases him.
"Y/n" He gets up from the armchair. "I'm already pretty tipsy, so it's your lucky day."
Fuck.
I have zero time to process what's about to happen when out of nowhere the music that was playing in the background switches to a slow, seductive song.
"Let's go" Jisung yells, clapping his hands together.
Chan gets up from the armchair and pushes me to take his place as Jeongin rolls his shoulders a bit, almost as if he's preparing himself, his eyes locking with mine. My nervousness must be clear as day all over my face, while his expression is the complete opposite. His gaze is playful, darker than before and with a smug smile playing across his lips he makes his way towards me. My grip on the armchair tightens and I feel my heart starting to beat faster. He starts swaying his hips seductively and everyone starts yelling. Due to his standing position, I'm face to face with his crotch and I can't help but look away in embarrassment. His fingers reach for the bottom of his shirt and he peels it off his body slowly, not breaking eye contact. My mouth slightly opens and I scoff laughingly at the sight of his quite defined abs. He lowers himself a bit more, his hips not stopping their movements, bringing his face closer to the side of my own. His hips brush mine lightly with each thrust and I swear my whole face heats up right then. He places his hands against the armchair on each side of my head for support and the more his hips brush up against me the more the rest of the guys scream and shout, cheering him on. He grins at my flustered expression and I turn my face to the side, unable to hold eye contact, anymore. My eyes find his. All the voices and noise fade in the background, and suddenly Jeongin's dancing is not the reason I find myself holding my breath for. His soft gaze from before is gone and replaced with absolute darkness. His eyes are dark in a way that makes me intimidated, he doesn't look amused. A shiver runs down my spine, excitement building in my lower stomach. I hold his gaze as I lightly bite my lip the minute Jeongin's hair brushes my neck. My back arches slightly, my hips meeting his. He takes a breath, clenching his jaw. His whole face, tight and cold.
'What if I push him just a little more...' I think to myself and lift my hand to rest on the side of Jeongin's hips as he continues to move his body to the beat. I turn to look back at the man dancing on top of me, his eyes wild and dark as well but before I have to lean just a little closer...
"Okay, that's more than a minute" Minho speaks up—his tone cold.
"Let the boy have some fun." Jisung nugs him with his elbow but it only takes a single glare from Minho to make his smile drop.
"Okay Jeongin, we get it, you could be a stripper," Jisung turns the music off and everyone starts clapping at Jeongin's performance. Jeongin pulls himself away from me with a grin and searches for his shirt, putting it back on. I force my body to move back to my previous position on the floor while my mind is still trying to process what just happened.
Hyunjin crawls a bit closer. "You're flushed." His hands come up to fan my face.
"Jeongin you ask." Emma reminds him.
"Right," He looks at me. "truth or dare?"
"Me?" God, give me a break first.
He nods.
"Um, dare." I pick.
"I dare you to call your ex-boyfriend and moan his name." His words make my face drop, and my body goes completely still. Silence falls upon us and I feel the eyes of all of my close friends on me. I swallow hard turning to look at Chan. His eyes are hard and his lips turned into a thin line as he pours me a shot and passes it to me, silently choosing for me.
"Come on Y/n, that was an easy one." Changbin whines as I take the shot, quietly, suddenly unable to hold my head up, until I hear him.
"And you called me a pussy before. " Minho mutters under his breath.
It was like a snap, like a switch that went off inside me and my whole body started to burn. I slam my cup onto the table. "What did you say?"
"Me?" He smirks. "Nothing"
That expression, that smug, cocky-ass grin, and the satisfaction in his eyes, make me wanna smack the shit out of him.
"What's your fucking-"
"Come on Y/n, ask someone." Felix cuts me off, trying to avoid what's about to happen like he always does when he suspects fighting coming.
I inhale through my nose, forcing myself to camp down. I don't want to give him the satisfaction. "Channie, truth or dare?" I sigh.
"Dare."
"Take 5 shots." I say, not bothering to think of anything better.
"Come on that's boring." Seungmin rolls his eyes but Chan takes the shots one after the other.
He hisses, eyes watering and he shakes his head a bit before speaking again. "Truth or dare?" He turns to Minho, looking at him with a straight face.
Minho tilts his head, holding his gaze for a few seconds. "Dare."
Both of them stare at each other like they're silently communicating.
"Take a body shot from Y/n's stomach." Chan lifts his chin.
My breath hitches.
Minho's eyes narrow slightly, still looking at Chan. I look between them, sensing that something's off. It feels weird of Chan to ask something like this. When Minho reaches for a shot, I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. Of course, he would take the shot instead, yet I can't keep my mouth shut.
"Who's the pussy now?" I mumble, loud enough for him to hear.
I watch as my words make him freeze, eyes darkening with the cup inches away from his lips.
"Damn." Changbin looks between us, the tension clear enough to everyone.
Instead of drinking it, Minho takes the cup and get's up from the couch. Now it's my turn to freeze.
Shit.
"Lay on the floor." He demands in a low voice that sends chills down my spine. It takes me a few seconds but my body reacts and moves on its own. I lay down on the floor just in front of the couches, silently. He walks over to me, his mouth a tight line and then, he straddles my thighs, the pressure of his body knocking the air out of me. His eyes- completely dark, staring down at me as If I'm a 5-star meal and he hasn't eaten in ages. My mind is so clouded, my body still and unable to move that it's his hand that pushes the bottom of my top up until my whole stomach is exposed. His tongue appears, wetting his full lips as he places one hand beside my ear for support. I look up at him hesitantly, his face a perfect mask with no expression and I hold my breath, not used to having him this close. Not used to having him close at all.
"Don't challenge me, angel." He whispers in my ear, loud enough for only me to hear. His words go straight to my core and I stare at him completely speechless. He pours the shot into my belly button and a little on my stomach. I flinch a bit as the cold liquid hits my skin.
"Don't move." He lowers himself, bringing his face inches away from my stomach. He grabs the sides of my waist, his cold fingers making my back arch just a tiny bit and his lips begin to suck the liquor from my stomach. The minute his tongue touches me, my stomach turns into a knot, and when he looks up at me - I suck a breath. His lips and tongue move perfectly, drawing and brushing against my skin like a feather, raising goosebumps wherever his mouth touches me as he licks his way up slowly. My mind still hasn't processed how we ended up like this. He holds my gaze, his eyes, so clear that I can see my reflection in them. As he moves his tongue back down towards my belly button, I have to stop myself from clenching my thighs together, but I can't stop this overwhelming feeling that rushes through me. I haven't been touched in such a way for far too long and I feel my body melting under him. He tightens his grip on my waist, feeling me move and I bite my lip to keep myself from making any sounds. Everyone else has faded away, although I can still hear them shouting but it's only me and him as he drags his tongue even lower, just above my now unbuttoned pants, my hand unconsciously moves to his hair. His eyes close and he lets out the lowest growl. He gives my waist a squeeze and lifts his head, looking down at me with a challenging smile before getting off of me completely. My body and mind go absolutely numb, realizing what just happened as he stands over me with the most satisfied, cocky-ass grin I've ever seen and embarrassment consumes me.
"Okay, I think we need a break. " Hyunjin clears his throat and Changbin lets out a low whistle. Everyone is silent, probably completely shocked but I don't dare to look at their faces.
"I'm gonna clean myself a bit." I get up from the floor and basically run to the bathroom. My legs feel like jelly, and I can hear and feel my heart beating so fast that my chest feels heavy. I close the door and rest my back against it. The world is spinning, and I don't think that it's only because of the alcohol.
"What the fuck just happened?" I whisper to myself, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath before moving to the sink. I stare at my reflection- my whole face is flushed, my eyes and hair wild, and when I look down, at my stomach, I have to stop myself from gasping out loud. My skin is still glistering from the alcohol and the wetness of his mouth, but it's the light red marks that are travelling from my belly button down to the top of my underwear that make heat spread between my legs.
"Damn him," I say under my breath. Why would he do that? What is he doing? What the fuck does he want with me? A few days ago he was yelling in my face about how he doesn't wanna get to know me and now he literally took a shot out of my stomach, in front of everyone. I push my hair back, trying to get my head to focus. I feel like I'm going to explode from confusion. He must be bipolar or something. It doesn't make sense- he doesn't make sense.
A knock on the door makes me groan in frustration.
"Occupied."
They knock again.
"Who is it?" I sigh and open the door, but before I can react Minho pushes me backwards until my back hits the sink, closing the door in the process. He traps me between his hands, bringing his face close to mine. His big eyes show no emotion as they stare back at my wide ones.
"W-what are you doing?" I shutter. Completely shocked.
"What are you doing?" He shoots back. I hate how he seems completely unphased about what just happened while I still can't even breathe properly yet.
I clear my throat, trying to hold his intense gaze. " What do you mean?"
A sharp laugh escapes him. "You want my attention that bad?"
"What the fuck are talking about?"
He licks his lips, glaring down at me hard. "What's up with you and Jeongin?"
"Do you care?" I challenge him back but he simply stares at me. He's close enough for me to smell the alcohol on his breath alongside his usual vanilla scent.
"Cut it." He growls
I smirk. "Cut what?"
He takes a deep breath, eyes moving all over my face. "I told you not to challenge me."
"Did you?" I push further.
He bites his lip with a small smile. "You're having fun aren't you?"
I lean closer to him, a sudden burst of confidence rushing through me, leading me to close the small gap between us. "So much." I grin. "You are the one who challenged me first." Our noses are almost touching now and I look up at him through my lashes. "And two can play this game."
"Then I guess it's your turn angel." The pet name sparks something inside me. Fuck, I've had too much to drink.
"Now you seem like you wanna talk to me huh?"
"Still salty about that?" He mumbles.
"I don't get hurt that easily." I smile.
He smiles back but I notice his grip on the sink tightening. "I'll take that as a challenge."
"Good..." I say, my lips only a few inches away from his, before pushing at his chest and walking out of the bathroom.
WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self harm, eating disorders etc.. mentions of blood, swearing, smoking, smut [ dirty talk, oral; giving and receiving, chocking, spanking, praising, degradation, pet names, sometimes Minho is a dick :)
SUMMARY: "Do you remember what you told me the first time we met?"
"What?"
"You said; Always leave people a little better than you found them" he looked at the floor with a small smile for a few seconds and then his eyes found mine. "You really annoyed me when we first met. I envied your optimism and excitement for life. But each time I saw you, I felt a certain thrill. You made me angry, you made me laugh., you made me feel everything. Something about you made me feel a little more alive each time. I know I fucked up and I know I'm an asshole but I'm also brutally in love with you."
Drinking and dancing my ass off; I missed that. Waking up with a headache and the taste of vomit in my mouth; I haven't missed that shit at all. The morning sunlight that's coming from my window immediately burns my eyes when I try to open them. I groan and turn around to bury my face in the pillows, but instead, I come face to face with Hyunjin's sleeping figure. I close my eyes trying to remember what happened last night and how we ended up home like this, but it's useless and my head is killing me. Hyunjin is snoring lightly, his blonde hair all over the pillow and he's wearing nothing but a pair of sweatpants. I smile at how beautiful and peaceful he looks, his face is almost angelic. I slowly lift myself off the bed, trying my best not to wake him. Emma probably undressed me cause I'm currently wearing a pair of pajama shorts and an oversized t-shirt. I open the door as quietly as possible and tip-top out of the room and into the living room and kitchen area. I spot Felix asleep on the couch, a blanket covering his body and a pillow between his hands, and Emma over the stove, cooking something that smells like eggs and bacon.
"Good morning." My voice comes out huskier than I expected causing Emma to spin around.
"Well well well, look who's up." She flips the bacon and passes me a glass of water and an aspirin. I smile at her thoughtfulness before taking the aspirin and drinking the whole glass of water.
"What the fuck happened last night?" I run my hands over my face, trying to rub the sleep off of my eyes. I take a seat on the counter stalls.
"From where do I begin," She says and prepares 4 plates with some bacon and 2 eggs and leaves 2 of them on the counter and one in front of me. My stomach growls at the sight but as always, I ignore it. Emma takes a seat across from me and dives into her plate.
"Well," She swallows her first bite. "You were dancing with and on everyone, taking shots like you were drinking water, lost at beer pong twice, disappeared at some point until Jeongin found you at the roof." That I remember. Images of Minho and bits of our conversation flash through my mind. "You spilled vodka on Hyunjin and you were laughing like a kid the whole time." She adds.
"Ugh" I rest my head on the counter. "I haven't drunk like that in a hot minute. My body wasn't ready."
"At least you didn't throw up there." She pats my head. "You waited until we were home this time. I'm proud."
Hyunjin enters the kitchen, rubbing his hands all over his face. "My head is killing me." He says in a raspy voice. He takes a seat beside me and Emma pushes a plate in front of him along with a glass of water and an aspirin as well.
"Oh my god, thanks Em, you're an angel" He groans.
"See," She turns to me. "There's always worst."
"Where's Felix?" He asks, his mouth full.
"Sleeping." Emma nods her head towards the couch.
Hyunjin turns to look at him. "Why is he sleeping on the couch?" He frowns.
"Cause he said that now that I have a boyfriend, it's not right to sleep with me." She rolls her eyes.
"Boyfriend?" I smirk.
A light color appears on her cheeks. "You know what I mean." She mutters.
"Are you guys like, together?" Hyunjin ask.
"I don't know," Emma shrugs. "Last night we went upstairs and we talked again, like a lot" She emphasizes by slightly widening her eyes. "He told me that he really likes me and that he hasn't felt this type of connection in a long time and stuff like that. And then we hooked up."
"Get it Em." Hyunjin grins.
"Wow, he must actually like you." I say.
"You think?" She drops her eyes to her plate.
"Yeah," Hyunjin swallows the last piece of bacon, clearing his plate. "If he wasn't interested he would just fuck you and leave it at that." He drops his plate to the sink and sits back down. "I saw how you guys were. He was all over you from the minute we walked in till the minute we left."
"You've got a point." She finally says.
"What time is it?" Felix's deep voice makes our heads snap to the couch. He's up and walking towards us. His voice is incredibly deep in general, but especially in the morning, he sounds like fucking Darth Vader.
"Morning sunshine." Hyunjin grins at him.
"It's 12.30. " Emma says placing a plate and a glass of water in front of him as well. Felix takes a seat.
"My back hurts" He whines.
"Well, I told you to sleep with me" Emma argues but Felix just shakes his head.
"You could've slept with me and Hyunjin with Em." I say
"Exactly." Hyunjin nods. "I don't care that Em has a boyfriend now." He speaks the last words of the sentence a little louder.
"Shut up." She pushes him but he just laughs.
Felix's eyes are still swollen from sleep, his lips double the size, and his hair going in every direction. "Yeah, I didn't think of that."
"We have class today right?" I question
"Shit"
"Fuck me"
Both Felix and Hyunjin groan. "You guys should get going, then. And take a shower." Emma says
They both look at her and begin to smell their clothes, and I laugh.
"Well, I'm going to take a shower as well. I'll see you in class." I get up.
"Aren't you going to eat?" Hyunjin looks up at me.
I ignore the knowing look he's giving me ."I'm not hungry" I mumble and disappear down the hall.
I let out an audible sigh when the hot water hits my skin. All of my muscles are so sore from last night that our 3-hour technique class sounds torturous. I don't regret it though, I had fun. Actual fun with people, in a place where I don't have to look over my shoulder in case Jackson or one of his friends, is there. It felt nice, to be with a different crowd. I've only seen Chan's friends a few times but I can feel that they're going to grow on me. Minho takes over my mind, despite the effort that I've been putting in since last night, not to think about him. I don't know if I'm more shocked by his story or by the fact that he spoke to me about it. His honesty caught me by surprise. I didn't think that he would open up to me in that way, considering the fact that he's been nothing but ironic and bluntly rude towards me. Chan did say that he's been through a lot but I didn't really expect anything like that. The more I think about it, the more curious I feel myself getting about him. He seems like the type of guy that has a lot of layers. The type of guy that makes you wanna get invested and try to understand everything that is hidden underneath all the pain and trauma that he silently carries. I shake the thoughts off my head. I'm not trying to get myself in a complicated situation once again. I've done this back-and-forth thing and it didn't end well. I force myself not to annalize everything that happened last night anymore and ignore all the questions and thoughts about him, cause curiosity leads to interest and interest isn't good.
I gave up on trying to look better than I felt and got ready in 10 minutes by just putting my hair in a low bun and throwing a black leotard and tights on. Somehow Felix and Hyunjin manage to look alive again and ready for class in only 1 hour. They were dressed in their dance clothes with fresh-looking faces and their hair perfectly brushed backward. They were great dancers, the best in our year to be honest. Two completely different dancers. Felix is sharp. His arms and legs are strong, completing every move perfectly, and hitting every beat. He's balanced and clean with powerful and fast movements. Felix is a technical dancer. Hyunjin is a performer. He takes every choreography and owns it. His style and his incredible facial expressions make him stand out. No matter the dance genre, every move is filled with emotion and passion. He somehow manages to look so smooth yet so powerful at the same time. It's like he's playing a character every time he dances. He's sassy and sexy to the point that it's hard not to look at him when he steps on stage. These two together; they're perfection. I, like everyone, started with ballet. I've danced in almost every style, but contemporary is my favorite. When I dance I feel free. All of my emotions come rushing out of me and I can feel them leave my body as I dance. I relax and I can breathe. Dance has always been a comfort of mine, but it doesn't feel the same anymore. I don't dance for myself. It's not a way for me to let loose anymore. I have to be better. I knew I had to turn quicker, land lighter and smile brighter. Since I got into college, I had to learn control in order to get better. My feet had to be more pointed. my legs straighter, my waist smaller. I know that now I'm a great dancer with great technique. What I'm missing is passion. Energy. Emotion. I'm missing all of the things I had before. I had to trade raw passion for technique. I was told that I had to calm down, and I did but now I feel like I've turned into a machine. Simply executing the moves, never performing.
"That's it for today, everyone. I'll see you all on Wednesday." Mrs. Miller claps her hands together and exits the class with a smile and a small nod. I let out a sigh and rest my hands on my knees to catch my breath. My body feels completely and utterly numb and I just wanna lay in my bed for the next 5 years. I walk to the side of the class to collect my bag and water bottle. Hyunjin catches up with me just as I'm about to exit the classroom.
"You look dead." He bluntly says, throwing his bag over his shoulder. I search over my shoulder for Felix, spotting him talking with a few of our classmates. He gives me a nod, meaning that we should leave without him, and I send a wave back before pulling Hyunjin by the elbow and walking out the door.
"You're so kind, thank you." I say with a straight face.
He grins and pulls me into a side hug. "You know what I mean. You look like you're going to pass out. What's going on?"
"We were out late last night, I didn't get enough sleep." I answer mechanically.
He sighs, almost like he's telling me that he knows better than to believe me. "It's not just sleep. It's drinking water and eating like a normal person. You're doing nothing out of the three." All the humor is now gone as his tone turns serious. "You're not going to make it to the end of the semester if you keep this up. You claim that you're not being the best you can be but how are expecting to do that if you don't take care of yourself?" He continues his lecture and even though I know he's right, hearing it for the 50th time won't change a thing. I'm trying. I really am. It's just harder than it seems. Developing a healthy relationship with food in an environment like this is hard.
"Hyunjin, I know. I'm trying." I keep my tone low.
"I know, babe, and I'm always here if you need anything but you have to push yourself a bit more yeah? Ask for help. Take a break. Try to help yourself in some way." He gazes down at me with worried eyes.
I close my eyes. This conversation is getting too much already. "Okay."
He opens the door with the hand that isn't wrapped around my shoulders. "Do you want me to drive you home?"
l shake my head. "It's fine, I'll walk."
"You sure?" He unlocks his car.
"Yeah." I bring my hands around his waist and give him a light squeeze. "Thanks for caring." It truly means so much to me, to know that I have people who actually give a damn about me.
He pressed a quick kiss to my forehead. "Always." And gets in his car.
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Minho's POV:
I fucked up. I fucked up big time. It was like something took over me and I couldn't shut the fuck up. She just came out of nowhere. Again. And she was drunk again and she was smiling too much. Again. I don't know how but self-control just flew out the window and before I could stop myself I spilled half of my fucking story to her. Maybe I find the fact that she's drunk every time appealing. People tend to be a lot less judgmental when they're drunk. And most importantly; they remember less. Either way, things are not going as planned. I stayed upstairs trying to avoid bumping into her and somehow she fucking found me. I don't like this. She shouldn't be here. I wasn't supposed to see her again. I've been feeling on edge for the past week now and it's honestly draining. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. I have to ignore my thoughts. I have to ignore her. I thought it would be easy, I don't even know her. Why is it that I keep thinking about it?
I wipe the sweat that's dripping down the sides of my face with the back of my hand as I slam the door of the dance studio shut. I made sure that her class was finished until I came here, not really in the mood for a round 2. My whole body is sore and my heartbeat hasn't slowed down yet. I had missed this feeling so much. It's been only a few months since I started training again and I beat myself up for stopping every single day. It's what I love to do. A way for me to take a fucking breath.
I throw my bag in the back seat before driving off. It's so convenient that our apartment is so close to campus. A lot of times I would walk home, but driving really grew on me. I love it.
"Back already?" Jisung comes out of the kitchen just as I'm opening the front door.
"Don't you have class?" I throw my keys on the little table beside the door and remove my shoes.
"I skipped." He shrugs. "I have an essay to work on anyway."
I walk up the stairs. Jisung's following right behind me. "Shit, me too." I groan. I fucking hate college. All I wanna do is dance and make music. "Fuck it, I'll do it later, I need to sleep." I reach my bedroom door.
Jisung's eyes narrow. "Is everything okay?" He rests his hand on the wall besides my door.
I immediately turn my head away from his gaze. He knows me too well and I don't have time to talk about shit right now. "Yeah, I'm just tired." I open the door, hoping he will get the message.
He glances at me one more time before taking a step back. "Okay." He brushes my hair back. He always does this. I hated it at first but just like jisung, it grew on me. "Get some rest." He turns around and disappears down the hall. I let out a small sigh and close my door. I'm grateful for him. I really am. I don't know if I would be here right now if it wasn't for him. He basically saved me. A lot of people did. With their actions, with words, with ideas, or by simply being there. Jisung was there. He was there every time, picking up the pieces that he didn't create. Chan was there. He helped me open my eyes and pushed me to explore different sides of myself. He gave me a new dream. My sister was there, offering me a smile whenever the world frowned at me. Someone is always there. I'm tired of owning my life to others. I don't know how even though I grew up by myself and did everything on my own, I still somehow managed to hold on to people to keep me alive. Fuck, I'm tired.
I open my balcony door and step out. I place a cigarette between my lips and light it up, taking a puff. Inhale, exhale.
Inhale. Exhale.
Y/N's POV:
I love Christmas. I love everything about it. It's a family holiday though, so I never got to fully experience what it meant to have Christmas with your family. Things like exchanging gifts, having Christmas breakfast together, and celebrating the new year together didn't happen in my house. I still loved it though. The weather, the way everything was beautifully decorated, and just the wave of happiness that came with Christmas were enough for me. It's been the past few years that I've been actually celebrating Christmas with my Mom. Shit happened and things changed but me and her are now inseparable. She's all I have. She's always been more like a best friend, probably due to our small age gap. She suffered a lot, but her light never left. Her light, fun, and kind personality stayed even after years of pain. She came out stronger. I find myself wishing I was half as strong as she is.
"I'll be fine mom." I roll my eyes even though, I know she can't see me. I put her on speaker as I continued to write the essay I'd been working on before she called.
"I could come and stay with you for a few days, I'm sure Will won't mind" She presses.
"No Mom, go have fun with Will in London, I'm more than happy to stay here for Christmas. All of my friends will be here anyway, it's going to be super fun." I try to reassure her. It took my mom a long time to get back into dating after everything that happened but she was never one to give up on love. She's such a hopeless romantic that, even her traumatic past relationships didn't stop her from falling in love again. Will is a family friend and has been for years. He was by my mom's side through almost everything as a friend. A time came when me and my mom lived with him for a little while and that's when it clicked for them. He's a great guy and I couldn't be happier for her.
She let out a big sigh, and I almost laughed at how dramatic she was being. "Fine, but remember to text me at all times and call me first to wish me both 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year'."
It's the first time we're gonna spend the holiday apart. My mom is going to Will's house in London like we did last year for Christmas but this time, for some reason, I wanna experience this by myself. "Sure thing Mom" I laughed. She's not really happy about me staying here.
"Is Chan going to be there as well?" Even though I've only known Chan for almost 3 years, he's basically a part of my family. It took us a few months until we became inseparable and we went everywhere together. He met my whole family and spent every holiday with me. Chan doesn't really have a family. Not one that he was close with at least, so I think he found comfort in being with me and my mom. Plus, my mother absolutely loved him.
"Yes mom, don't worry. I have to go now, I need to study."
"Okay baby, I'll talk to you later. " She said before hanging up.
I love her and I love talking to her but I have so much work to do. I am a dance major but sometimes I forget that I actually have to study. I take a deep breath and a sip of my third coffee of the day getting ready to dive back into it.
A door slams.
Emma throws her bag to the floor and takes off her shoes. I give her a quick glance but I have to do a double-take when I notice her bloodshot eyes.
"What happened?" I shoot up from the couch and run towards her. She shakes her head and wraps her hands around me, burying her face in my neck. I immediately react, squeezing her tight.
"It's okay." I whisper, trying to calm her down. We stay like that for a minute, until Emma's breathing comes out normally and she's not shaking anymore. We take a seat on the couch.
"Is it Seungmin?" I finally ask. She shakes her head and relief fills my body. I wouldn't want to hurt one of Chan's friends but if he had pulled anything with her, I would've.
She wipes her nose with her sleeve and sighs. "I'm not okay. I've had 2 anxiety attacks today and I-I feel like I can't function. " Her words come out rushed and blended together and from that alone, I can understand just how everything in her head must be right now. Emma has really bad anxiety, it's one thing that we have in common. She's there for me and I'm there for her, cause we understand just how hard it is to deal with this on a daily basis. "I have to finish my script and I have a shit tone of scenes to film and everyone is asking me things and expecting me to be in charge of everything and I just can't. " She continues, ignoring the tears that fill her eyes. "Everyone's expecting me to be good but I feel like I can't do anything right. We were planning this shoot for days and I forgot my camera at Seungmin's house, that's why I left class. I just- I wanna breathe."
"Hey," I take her face between my hands. "Listen to me, I know that you have so much on your plate right now. I understand, but you can't neglect your mental health. Em, you're overworking yourself, reactions like this are expected when you never relax." I brush some of the hair that's sticking to her cheeks. "You stay here okay? Take some time to relax and calm down. I'll go over to Seungmin's place and grab the camera. You still have almost an hour until shooting right?" I check the time on my phone.
She nods. She takes a big breath and nods a few more times. "Thank you so much Y/n."
"You would have done the same for me. " I smile at her. "Actually, you have."
She giggles.
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I texted Jisung to see if he was home, on my way there but he still hasn't answered when I reach the door to their apartment. When I offered to come and pick her camera up, the fact that Minho lives there as well didn't really cross my mind. As much as I don't want, I have been thinking about last night more than I should have. And I hate how my nerves begin to grow as I reach their door.
Jisung's face breaks into a smile the minute he opens the door. "Hey kid, what are you doing here?" He steps aside, gesturing me to come inside. Their apartment looks different in the daylight. A lot cleaner and much more bright. There's a big living area in the middle of the room with 2 big white couches and a few armchairs. Jisung leads me into the kitchen, that's right beside the living room. I really like their kitchen. It's open and huge, everything is black and white
"I came to pick up Emma's camera, I texted you but you didn't answer. " I take a seat on a stool.
"Oh yeah, sorry I was studying. " He nods, filling up a glass of water and passing it to me. "Damn, and I thought you missed me."
"Nah." I tease, taking the cup of water in my hands. "Are you alone?"
"No, Minho and Changbin are in their rooms." He leans on the counter, placing his elbows on it. "Did you have fun last night?"
I groan, throwing my head back. "Don't even get me started, I have the worst hangover."
"So you had fun." He smiles. "It sure looked like it yesterday."
I cover my face with my hands. "Oh, my god."
He reaches over and pulls my hands away. "Stop. You enjoyed yourself, that was the point." Last night's party was different than any other that we've been to and I did have a great time nevertheless. "This weekend it's game night."
"Game night?" For some reason, I don't like the sound of that.
"Yep." He nods. "We just get together, play games, and drink. It's pretty chill." He explains. Yeah, I definitely do not like the sound of that. "Of course, all of you guys are invited."
I let out a small smile. "We appreciate it." I say, avoiding giving him a straightforward answer.
"Just think about it."
I nod. "Okay, we'll see." Jisung's eyes focus on something behind me and I curiously turn around as well. Minho is walking towards the kitchen. My stomach instantly tightens at the sight. He wearing only a pair of gray sweatpants and I can't keep my eyes from falling down his exposed stomach. Fuck, he does work out. The lines of his abs look like their carved by the gods. I blink several times, forcing my eyes to his face. His head is hanging low as he rubs his eyes with his palms.
"Well, look who's up?" Jisung grins. Minho drops his hands from his face and his eyes immediately find mine. His walking slows down and his eyes freeze on my face for a few seconds. I stare back, searching for anything that will help me figure out how to act towards him after last night but he gives me nothing. The surprise lasted only a few seconds until it turned into nothing. He kept his face blank and completely unreadable as he walked past me and towards the fridge. "You slept for like 4 hours."
Minho scans the fridge with his eyes. "Yeah, I was too tired." He pulls out the milk. Jisung opens a cupboard and takes out some cereal and a bowl. "Thanks" Minho mumbles as he puts some cereal in the bowl and pours the milk over them. I try not to smile at the fact that he puts the cereal first. Thank god.
Jisung runs his hand through Minho's messy hair a few times, trying to push them backwards while Minho's gaze stays focused on mixing his cereal. Jisung gives Minho's hair one final push and places his hands back on the counter. He turns to look at me, realizing that I'm still here. I awkwardly smile as his eyes go from me to Minho and then back to me.
He clears his throat. "Y/n's here to pick up Emma's camera." Minho just nods a few times as he takes a spoonful of his cereal, keeping his eyes set on the counter in front of him. Jisung looks at me after a few seconds of silence, his lips in a thin line with a look in his eyes almost as if he's apologizing for Minho's behavior. I shrug, shaking my head.
"I invited them over for game night this weekend. " He continues. "Changbin will probably make his signature cocktails, you will love them." He turns to me and I force a small giggle, trying to appear unbothered by the fact that Minho's completely ignoring me right now.
I see his jaw tightening, momentarily. "Cool." He says still keeping his eyes glued to the counter, refusing to make any eye contact with me. I keep my face natural, solving all the questions I want to ask him down my throat. I decide to break the silence that has taken over the three of us.
"I'm down, sounds fun." I turn to Jisung, maintaining my tone light.
"You guys could sleep over afterwards. " He further suggests, getting more excited. "Most of you are going to get wasted anyway."
Minho drops the now empty bowl in the sink, the sound making my and Jisung's head turn to him, but his face stays unbothered. "We don't have that much space."
Jisung rolls his eyes."Bullshit. Emma is probably gonna sleep with Seungmin so I'm sure that 3 people can sleep in this huge ass house" He waves his hands around.
"Yeah but-"
"We'll see" I cut Minho off, trying to end their small disagreement. His eyes look at mine for the first time since he got in the kitchen. The smallest shift is visible in his gaze, only for a few seconds until his eyes hardened, making me swallow hard but he breaks our eye contact with a sigh. I drop my eyes to my glass of water. What the fuck? This felt like he was just, backing down. He hasn't made a single comment, he hasn't referred to me not even once or acted in any teasing or bluntly rude way towards me. He's simply ignoring me.
I turn to Jisung. "Can you please bring me Em's camera? because I have to get going in a few."
"Yeah, sure thing babe." He nods understandably, realizing my discomfort but before he can take a single step, Minho walks past me and out of the kitchen, disappearing down the hallway.
I lock eyes with Jisung. An apologetic look on his face.
"He's not an asshole I swear." he shakes his head.
"Well, he's an asshole to me for some reason" I shrug.
"Don't mind him," He walks past me, brushing his hand on my shoulder. "I'll bring Emma's camera."
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.
I don't know how but I've managed to see Minho every day for the past 3 days. Tuesday night; I was leaving the dance studio, I was looking at my phone, texting Chan if he could pick me up cause I was exhausted when I felt my body bump into someone else. Minho simply looked at me before letting out a quite audible sigh and walking past me. Wednesday afternoon; me, Felix and Hyunjin went by their apartment to pick up Changbin cause we made plans to go for drinks. Minho was the one to open the door. He offered Hyunjin and Felix a pat on their shoulders, inviting them inside with a smile on his lips that dropped when they walked further into the living room. He turned around and followed them, leaving me by the door, not spearing me a single glance. Thursday morning; I went by the music building to say 'Hi' to Chan since I was early for my class. All of them were there, chilling on a few benches outside their classroom. Minho kept his eyes glued to his phone, as I chatted with the rest of the guys, not speaking a single word to me. Again.
This is getting ridiculous. I don't know what his problem is but the more we hang out with Chan's friends the more uncomfortable this is getting. He's literary giving me a headache and even though a huge part of me wants to confront him and simply ask him why is he acting this way, I force myself to remember one thing I had to learn the hard way; there's not always a reason for the way people treat you and you don't always get an apology or an explanation. Sometimes you just have to ignore it and move on. I shake my head, removing my headphones as I push the door of the dance studio open. My legs walk down the familiar path to the room that I always use as I keep my eyes on my phone, but the sound of music makes my head snap upwards. Almost all of the dance rooms have glass instead of walls, giving you a clear view inside of them. That's why I usually dance with the lights really low, I'm trying to avoid as much as possible drawing any attention to me since there are no blinds in most of the rooms. Through the glass, a male figure is visible. He has the lights really low too as he dances, with his back facing me. I take a step forward, narrowing my eyes in attempt to see his face but as he takes a turn I inhale sharply. He has to be doing this on purpose, there is no other explanation. He's suddenly everywhere, It's like I can't escape him. What is he doing here anyway? I've been using this room for a long time and have never seen him here. I feel a sudden heat in my stomach. Frustrated, I push the doors open. Minho stops at the sound and his eyes meet mine through the mirror. His brown hair is a mess and drops of sweat are falling from the sides of his forehead and down his neck. His white t-shirt is almost soaked, sticking to his toned chest, the outline of his abs slightly visible. His chest is rising and falling, quick breaths leaving his mouth as his wild eyes stare at me.
"What are you doing here? I've never seen you use this room" I spoke up first. He reaches for his phone, and turns off the music, before grabbing his water bottle, drowning almost half of it. He turned his back on me, ignoring me once again. I crossed my hands in front of my chest, my anger building.
"Are you gonna keep ignoring me? How old are you?" I say through my teeth, trying to stay calm. He drops his water bottle to the ground and takes a deep breath, still not looking up from the ground.
"Minho" The tone of my voice sounds demanding and a little pleading at the same time. His dark eyes snap to mine and he looks like he wants to run. An unfamiliar wave of sadness rushes through me that quickly resolves into anger. I try to hold it in, but the more he looks at me like that, the weaker I get.
"What did I do?" I pathetically ask.
His eyes twitched with confusion. "What?" He says. I feel a little relieved by the fact that he actually talked to me and didn't just walk past me and out of the dance room.
"I must have done something for you to ignore me literally out of nowhere." I take a few steps towards him. I hate how I'm being right now but I can't stop the words from coming out. I want answers. "Tell me."
He finally turns around and quickly holds his hand up between us. My legs freeze. He holds my gaze, his eyes hard and dark looking in mine. I stare back. He stares hard. I stare harder.
"Fuck" He breaks. He starts pacing and running his hands through his hair.
Here we go again.
"Hey," I try to gain his attention but he keeps walking back and forth. For some reason, I'm beginning to get anxious. The way his acting right now is making me anxious. "Hey," I say again, a little louder. He lifts his head at my raised tone but keeps walking back and forth. His breathing is extra hard but he tries to cover it up, his fists clenching and unclenching. I take a few more careful steps towards him. "Relax" I soften my voice. "Talk to me"
"But I don't wanna talk to you, that's the problem." He almost yells, making me jump slightly. My legs immediately move backwards. He seems to notice, cause his eyes turn softer, only for a few seconds before anger takes over his whole face.
"Fuck" He yells again and turns around. I'm standing here, completely lost. What the fuck is going on with him? Why is there so much bottled-up anger towards me? The self-doubt and anxiety start creeping in once again, and I stare at his back, trying to put my thoughts in order. I'm once again putting myself in a position where I'm trying to understand someone who doesn't want to be understood. Where I care about things and people I shouldn't and where I'm building a situation in my mind to be bigger than it actually is. I don't know why I'm taking his dislike of me so seriously and I don't know why he's yelling but my body won't move. Somehow I can't bring myself to walk away right now cause for some reason I don't want it to be like this. Complicated things scare me and this is getting way too complicated. I don't want it to be complicated.
"Why don't you wanna talk to me? I don't understand-"
"You don't have to understand" He raises his tone even more. "What you have to do is leave me alone." He says, sounding almost pleading.
Leave him alone? I narrow my eyes at him. Does he think I'm some kind of stray that follows him around begging for his attention when he's the one picking unnecessary fights with me?
"I'm not chasing you around dude." I defend, my anger coming back at his statement. "Chill out. We have mutual friends, and bumping into each other is inevitable. And besides, you're the one who's been picking a fight with me every chance he gets. You're the one that sticks his nose in someone else's business. You're the one opening up to me about your past." I move forward. "You're the one who's unreasonably ignoring a person who's done nothing wrong and you're the one yelling in my fucking face right now." My chest is burning with rage. He sure has some nerve to say that I'm the one following him around.
He stays quiet, probably cause he knows he's in the wrong. His jaw is set to the point where his lips have turned into a thin line. His eyes are shooting fire and yet, he says nothing. Again. I'm over-floating with frustration, my insides are literally screaming. "Is this about what happened at the party?" I find the courage to ask, eyeing him carefully.
By the way his face hardens, I know I'm right. He's facing me now, standing only about 2 meters away from me and looking at me like he's debating on what he's going to say.
"Do you want me to be honest?" His eyes challenge me.
"Yes," I breathe out. "Give me a truth, for once." I challenge back.
"I don't know what came over me that night. I don't do shit like that ever and I'm fucking mad at myself for spilling half of my fucking story to you." He waves his hand at me disgracefully. " Fuck I really don't know why I did that, it's embarrassing." He looks like he's talking mostly to himself at this point. "I just wanna forget about it, and you being in my fucking face all the goddamn time isn't helping" He takes a step towards me.
I'm going to actually hit him. "I'm not in your face all the time" I yell, unable to control my temper at this point. "Like I said-"
"I don't care." He laughs and lifts his hands in the air, frustrated as well.
"Look, I don't really know what kind of personal issues you have, but stop making a situation more than it is. You opened up about some things and I did the same, what's the problem?" I run my hand through my hair, trying to bring the tones down but he's not having it.
"The problem is that I don't know you," He takes another step towards me, closing the gap between us slowly. "And frankly, I don't want to" He breathes out a laugh and I can feel my body stiffen. "The fact that we met a year ago or that I helped you escape your fucking ex doesn't mean we have any sort of connection." His tone drops lower with each word just like my heart. "Maybe I pitied you," He says, and I can tell that he knows that his words will cut through me like a knife, by the time it took for him to speak them. My stomach turns as I fight to keep the tears from filling my eyes. "Maybe I happened to be simply there." He's standing right in front of me and I stare at him, my hands turning into fists to my sides, wanting to scream at him but not a single word escapes my lips.
"What?" He raises his chin, looking down at me, with a small smile. "No more whining about me being rude without a reason?" he mocks, dropping his face to my eye level with his bottom lip pouting slightly and anger rushes through my whole body, hitting me like a train. Without thinking about it, I lift my right hand, slapping him across his face. The sound fills the room, followed by a few seconds of silence. Minho doesn't move an inch, his eyes are glued to the ground and his jaw is set as redness begins to appear on his left cheek. But I couldn't care less right now. I can feel my whole body boiling with anger.
"Fuck you. " I spit through my teeth "You're not gonna stand there and make me feel like shit about myself because you have your own personal fucking problems." Tears build up in my eyes but I don't let them fall. I turn around but before I manage to reach the door his hand grips my elbow tightly, forcing me to turn around. He backs me up and slams me against the glass besides the door. His eyes burn with fury as he towers over me, holding both of my wrists in his hands between our bodies. His sudden actions caught me by surprise and a gasp escaped my lips. Waves of emotions fill my body as I stare at him with wide eyes. Fear mixed with the tiniest hint of excitement overtakes my brain when he drops his face lower, our noses almost touching. Deep, sharp breaths go through his nose, his chest rising and falling.
"Don't do that." His voice drops lower than I've ever heard him speak, sending chills down my spine. I hold my breath, unable to look away from the intensity of his gaze. His eyes flicker to my lips and he rests his forehead against mine. My mind screamed. Unexpected, overwhelming emotions begin to spread through me like I'm falling under a spell. His body presses against mine, his scent is everywhere, and his perfect, heart-shaped, full lips right in front of me. I let my own eyes fall to them only for a second before looking back to his eyes only to find him staring at my lips as well. He lets out a breath and brings his face an inch closer to mine, our lips almost brushing. My heart started beating like a fucking drum.
"Fuck" He growls, closing his eyes.
"Minho.." I whisper and his eyes snap to mine. He releases a breath and pushes himself away from me, taking the heat of his body with him, leaving me completely frozen. He grabs his bag and before I have any time to say or do anything he's out of the room.
Im sorry that is so straight forward but „the story of another us“ is so amazing and and I really really want to know if you are going to continue it because it’s one of the best story of lee know i have read with amazing plot and your amazing way of writing it is everything can’t wait to see how mihnon and reader story develop
Hope your can update soon
xoxo 🤗
Omg thank so muchhhh❤️ I’m definitely going to continue the story, I just took some time off to focus on my exams. I’ll be updating probably tomorrow ☺️☺️
WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self harm, eating disorders etc.. mentions of blood, swearing, smoking, smut [ dirty talk, oral; giving and receiving, chocking, spanking, praising, degradation, pet names, sometimes Minho is a dick :)
SUMMARY: "Do you remember what you told me the first time we met?"
"What?"
"You said; Always leave people a little better than you found them" he looked at the floor with a small smile for a few seconds and then his eyes found mine. "You really annoyed me when we first met. I envied your optimism and excitement for life. But each time I saw you, I felt a certain thrill. You made me angry, you made me laugh., you made me feel everything. Something about you made me feel a little more alive each time. I know I fucked up and I know I'm an asshole but I'm also brutally in love with you."
Minho's POV:
1 year ago.
I solved my phone back in my pocket, choosing to ignore Jisung's messages. I know I'm probably being a dick right now, but he's used to it and he understands. That's one of the things I like about him. He doesn't ask much, he simply knows. He knows when he has to push me and when he has to let me push myself. I take another puff of the remaining bits of my cigarette and throw it on the ground. I lift my hood, trying to protect the sides of my face from the cold, but I keep shivering. My brain is so numb right now that the physical pain is the only thing that I can feel. On days like this, I honestly miss being 16 and getting my ass kicked by my dad, cause at least then the pain in my body was stronger than the voices in my head. As the years went by I found other ways though. As much as I hated him, I got addicted to the pain. I used it as my own personal punishment. The self-loath that he caused me made me crave it. I found similar pain in things like drugs and alcohol and started getting off by inflicting pain on others. Girls I would use and dump, friends I would treat like shit, people that would try to help me that I would lie to. I did anything to remind myself that I had power. That I wasn't the scared little boy he would beat the shit out of. I wasn't someone who was only capable of kneeling and taking beatings. I was strong. I was in control. I wasn't the one in pain.
I didn't wanna deal with anything. Or anyone. And I know that running away from you're problems is not doing shit. I know that I have to go back and deal with this but right now, I just want the world to be quiet. I want everything to go away for a few minutes so that I can have some space to fucking breathe. I jog up the stairs that lead to the roof. I've been coming here whenever I wanted to just get away for a little. This place was already at the top of my 'fuck everything, I wanna be alone' list, but since that night, I've been coming here kinda hoping to see her again. I know that that's not actually what I want. I can't deal with another confrontation, but I want the silence that came with her. It was like all my walls were replaced with mirrors and as she talked my mind backed off more and more, leaving me completely alone, listening. I was listening. For the first time, someone didn't force me to talk about anything or explain myself. All I had to do was sit and listen to her comforting me. Reminding me that; it's going to be okay. After that night, her words lived in my head rent-free. You know how most people have a song that, whenever everything goes to shit, they just put their headphones on and simply listen to it, and for these 3-4 minutes everything else fades away. That's how I kept her in my mind. Like a comfort song that I've been having on repeat ever since then. I force my legs to climb the last flight of stairs, finally reaching the top. I tilt my head a bit, looking at the half-open door with confusion. It's almost 4 in the morning. I place my hand on the door handle, and just as I'm about to pull it even more open, a figure flashes through the small gap of the open door. I move my head further into the door's opening, narrowing my eyes, trying to spot the person again, but the moon being the only source of light, doesn't help. They step into my line of vision again. The long hair makes me realise that it's a girl. She extends her foot and lifts herself up in a fouetté, which I instantly recognise. Her turns are surprisingly clean. Her body keeps moving around the roof, occasionally leaving my limited line of vision. Her back is facing me, not allowing me to see her face. I stand there behind the door, completely magnetised by her dance. She must be a student here. I lean a bit forward trying to catch a glimpse of her face as she jumps and turns. She bends her back backwards, her head and hands handing beautifully and I freeze. I realise that the huge amount of weed that I've smoked hasn't made me completely numb after all cause I swear I just felt my heart skipping a beat. Her eyes are closed as she stays in position, rolling her head and hands to the music that's probably coming from the Air-pods that are now visible in her ears. Her face twitches with emotion and my hold on the door tightens. It's her. Questions, questions, questions. So many questions run through my head. So many emotions overwhelm me. Fuck, I must be so too high right now. I've thought about her way more than I like to admit. Now she stands here, in front of me. And I don't move, I stay hidden behind the door, watching her dance with tears on her face. I don't wanna talk to her. I don't wanna know her name or why she's crying. I just wanna watch her. And the more I do the more my heart tightens cause the memories that she awakes hurt. She dances so much like Mia, that it's ridiculous, I swear I see her face at some point. I know that I only hurt myself more by sitting here and watching her but I'm completely mesmerised by the way she moves. She's the perfect combination of uncontrollable passion and technique. She's using so much power in such a tender and light way, that I'm jealous. I miss dancing like that. I miss the emotional freedom that I felt whenever I danced. I let myself slide down the side of the wall soundlessly, and rest my head against it. There she is again. My little mirror.
Y/n's POV:
The next few days went by in a blur. Wake up, go to class, come home, practice, and go to sleep. Every day is basically the same but I'm not really bothered by it, routine is good, I like having a routine. It's safe. It doesn't make me anxious and everything is scheduled. Dance has been hard though. Correction after correction, my annoyance grew. I was making no progress.
.
.
.
"I don't know y/n. Isn't it a bit short?" Emma is standing in front of the mirror, tugging her tight blue dress down, unsuccessfully.
"Em, you look fucking amazing. Blue is the perfect colour for blondes, and you're boobs look incredible." I praise her in an attempt to boost her almost nonexistent confidence as I put my hoops on. "Seungmin is going to be hard from the minute you walk in, bet" I stand beside her in the mirror, taking a look at myself. We look completely different. She's wearing a blue strapless dress with white heels that make her almost as tall as I am. Her long blonde hair falls in loose curls down her bare back and her light makeup looks almost flawless. On the other hand, I'm wearing leather pants that are tight around my waist but a bit baggier around my thighs and a simple strapless black top. I've straightened my naturally curly hair and kept my makeup the same as every time with black eyeliner and a dark red colour on my lips.
"You're one to talk." She bumps her hip to mine "You're hot as hell"
"Stop" I roll my eyes, smiling at her.
"Is Chan picking us up?" She asks as she fills her purse with makeup and other stuff.
"Um no, Hyunjin's picking us up." I grab my jacket and walk to the living room. Emma follows shortly.
"Great, are they going to text you when-"
My phone interrupts her and we smile at each other. Hyunjin's name flashes across the screen. Wow, he's actually on time, that's a first. I answer and put him on speaker.
"We're here bitches." Hyunjin yells.
"We'll be down in five." I say and hang up.
"Let's go." Emma says with excitement and we walk out the door.
Felix rolls down his window from the passenger's seat and lets out a loud whistle. "Damn." He yells.
"Hello ladies," Hyunjin says as we enter the car.
"Hey," I say. "You're exactly on time. I'm proud of you.."
"Okay, you're both hot" Hyunjin comments as he drives off.
"You sound surprised. " Emma says and I giggle.
"You know what I mean" Hyunjin's eyes are focused on the road as he speaks.
"Is Jisoo not coming?" I ask.
"No, Seungmin only invited us, and since I don't really know them that long I didn't wanna push it and ask to bring someone else. Plus, we're not 'together ' together anyway." he shrugs.
"Come on now, you've been seeing each other for like, a year and you're completely obsessed with her." They've been fucking around for so long but even though they never made it official, we all know that they have feelings for each other.
"I'm not, shut up" Hyunjin tries to contain his smile.
After a few minutes, we pull to an apartment complex.
"It's not far from our apartment. " Emma comments as walks to the door.
"We could stay over at your place if we get too wasted and none of us can drive. It's like 10 minutes away." Hyunjin says.
"Sure, we'll probably have an extra bed anyway 'cause Em will hopefully not come home tonight." I wrap my hand around her shoulders.
"If you're anything like that in front of him, I'll physically hurt you." She attempts to threaten me but both me and the boys just laugh.
The music can be heard from down the hall, and we had to ring the bell at least 5 times before a guy opened the door.
"Hi" he smiles at us.
"Hi, Jeongin" Emma gives him a quick hug. The guys simply nod at him and follow Emma inside the apartment.
"Hi, I'm y/n" I shake his hand.
"I know, Chan told me you were coming. It's nice to meet you, I'm Jeongin" He has a nice smile. He's tall, with dark hair, brown eyes, and perfect eyebrows. He looks like he could be a model.
I take a step to his left, inside."Is Chan here?" I lean into him a bit cause it's so crowded in here that I could easily get lost.
"Yeah, I think he's in the kitchen." He says, closing the door. Emma, Hyunjin, and Felix have already disappeared. There are more people than I was expecting, Emma made it sound like it was a private party, but there are at least 60 people here.
"The kitchen.." I trail off as I look through the crowd, trying to find it. I hear him laugh from behind me.
"Come with me" He touches my back lightly before moving in front of me, guiding me to the kitchen. I instantly spot Chan's blond hair. He's with Changbin and some other people pouring shots.
"Hi" I go up to him from behind and he instantly smiles when he sees it's me. His hair is a mess and his cheeks are flushed.
"Oh my god, heyyyyy" He pulls me into a hug and I giggle.
"Are you drunk already?" I love drunk Chan. He hardly drinks that much but when he does he's one of the funniest people ever.
"Tipsy," he corrects me pointing a finger at me "Tipsy is the right word dear"
He pours two more shots and he gives one to me and one to Jeongin who's still standing beside me.
"Let's get it" Changbin yells and we all drown our shots.
.
.
.
.
.
The energy in this house is crazy and at this point, everyone is pretty much drunk, including me and I'm loving it. I found myself dancing on tables, playing games, chatting with people, and actually smiling. For a moment I felt like my old self again and I wanted to keep that feeling for as long as I possibly can. So I drank more and danced more until the thoughts in my head about what I should and shouldn't do were gone. Currently, Emma and Seungmin are nowhere to be found, Felix has been following Hyunjin's drunk ass around cause he has thrown up 2 times already, Chan is playing beer pong with Changbin and some other girls and I'm dancing with Jisung and Jeongin. Turns out Jisung is a really good dancing partner and has been filling up Hyunjin's spot all night. Well, I did threaten him not to leave my side. Jeonjin is also a really nice guy, super funny, and easy to be around. Even if I don't wanna admit it, my eyes have been searching for Minho ever since I got here but he's nowhere to be found. I know I shouldn't really care, he hasn't been particularly nice to me but that doesn't really stop my growing curiosity about him.
The temperature in the room is incredibly hot. My hair is sticking to my back and I feel like my whole face is on fire, the amount of alcohol that I've consumed doesn't really help. My breaths are getting shorter and sharper as I push my body to move to the music between Jisung and Jeongin. The minute I feel my stomach turning I knew I had to slow down for a bit. I needed air.
"I'm going to get some air, I'm sweating so fucking much." I yell over the music to both of them. Jeongin pulls me closer to him by my elbow.
"Do you want me to take you?" He says to my ear. Jeongin has been my guide through the house the entire night. He's taken me to his room to leave my stuff, and to the bathroom, and he showed me around the kitchen and the rest of the bedrooms. Emma was right, this place is huge.
"No, I got this one." I reassure him. I make my way upstairs and walk down the hall, to the last room, where we left our stuff. I remember that there was a small balcony and when I open the door, I'm happy to see that I remembered correctly. I carefully pull open the small balcony door oven and step out, letting the cool air hit my skin. My ears are ringing from the loud music, my eyes can't really focus on anything and my mind is a blur, unable to think about anything. In this moment I find myself smiling, cause in this moment everything is silent. The apartment is pretty high up, giving the guys access to an incredible view. I notice a small flight of stairs to my left. I look at them curiously, before slowly walking up, my drunken state not making it easy for me. When I reached the top, I looked around only to realise that I'm on a small rooftop. My eyes light up at the sight and a giggle escapes me. Rooftops make me happy. I wish our apartment had one.
"Okay, now who's stalking who?" A low voice says and my head snaps to the left. Minho's sitting on the floor with a cigarette between his lips. There he is. Has he been up here this whole time?
"I didn't even know you were here." I protest, taking a step forwards but stumbling a bit on my own feet.
Minho let out a low raspy laugh. "How come every time we meet on a rooftop you're always drunk? " He snorts "Is that like a thing? Whenever you get drunk you search for a rooftop?"
I keep my eyes on the sky in front of me. "I like rooftops," I smile as I begin to walk aimlessly around. "Something about being so high, no walls around me, a clear view of the sky, makes me feel like I'm on top of the world, it calms me down." I grab the railing and take a look downwards to see how far up are we.
"Get away from the railing, you're drunk." Minho's voice comes out louder than before. I look at him over my back. He's now standing, his cigarette rests between his fingers and his eyes are set on my figure.
Interesting.
I turn around, resting my back on the trailing, my hands still gripping it tightly.
Deja vu.
"Or what?" I giggle and lean backward just a bit more. He takes a quick step forward, his free hand extended towards me.
"Y/n, I'm not fucking around, get away." His tone is demanding and his eyes are hard, jaw set. My drunk mind finds his face funny.
"You're funny." I smile at him. He takes a few more steps, carefully.
"I'm not joking." His voice gets low again.
My eyes spark with excitement. "Oops" I lean back furthermore, but his hand comes around my waist pulling me away.
"Do you wanna die?" He says, staring down at me. I know he's half joking but my mouth opens before my mind can think.
"That would be a good way to go." I half smile.
His eyebrows draw together "What?"
"I mean it would be easier right?" I tilt my head at him "It wouldn't be entirely my fault. She got drunk and she fell off the roof sound better than anything else that would make me look weak right?" His face is unreadable, or maybe shocked I can't really tell. He drops his hand from my waist but doesn't say a word. "But either way, I'm weak right Minho?" I say, waving my hands. He clears his throat and looks away from my eyes.
"That's not what I meant I-"
"Cut the bullshit, I know what you meant." A sudden wave of emotions runs through me and I raise my voice slightly. "But let's get one thing straight, you don't know anything." I move closer to him. "You don't know anything about me or what happened. You're so quick to judge me and call me weak and stupid but you don't know shit."His expression changes slightly. A flash of emotion in his eyes that wasn't there before, he opens his mouth and then closes it again. His lips turn into a line and then he exhales loudly.
"It's not like that. I was just trying to help."He finally says.
"I don't need your help Minho. I don't want your fucking pity." I say through my teeth.
His eyebrows furrowed at my words. "I don't pity you y/n" He grabs my hand and without realising it I flinch lightly. He takes a sharp breath, his eyes widening only for a second before he drops his grip on my hand and turns around. He starts walking back and forth, hands on his head, through his hair, over his face, and finally set on his waist.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-" I begin to apologise.
"Stop," His tone is sharp. He shakes his head. "You're- You're pissing me off."
Pissing him off? "What did I even do?" I honestly ask, frustrated.
"Why are you apologising?" He spins around. I stare at him, no words are coming out of my mouth. I simply stare at him. My chest feels heavy all of a sudden and my eyes fall to the ground.
"What happened to you?" His eyes are searching my face. "I remember a year ago, I met a girl on a rooftop. I was just sitting there when she stumbled through the door, wasted. She was smiling and she talked about life, kindness, and shit. Her eyes were wild and her voice loud and powerful. Her presence was so incredibly bright and I hated it. It pissed me off. It pissed me off because she was everything that I wasn't. The way she viewed the world and the way she talked about people and life made me jealous. I was jealous of her light. It reminded me of a lot of things I missed. I hated it." My eyes can't keep eye contact with him as he speaks. My stomach is a knot, my heart is beating fast, and my head is spinning.
He remembers me.
"Now here we are," He waves his hand around. "A year later, on a rooftop and you're once again drunk. But you're different. And I don't know why, but it makes me mad." My eyes are glued to the ground. My whole body is tensed and I feel more exposed than I should.
"You were right" I finally find my words.
"About what?"
"I'm weak," I nod several times. "And stupid. And I don't have the courage to say to anyone that I was in a shitty relationship. That I was weak enough to be manipulated and lied to and treated like shit. None knows about my childhood or my past in general. I'm scared that everyone would look at me differently. I'm scared that everyone will judge me. Like I did to my mom." I confess. "I promised myself that I would be stronger than she was. Braver and smarter," I laugh. "But of course, I met a guy in my first year of college and I thought I could fix him. I wanted to help him, so I stayed. I made excuses every time something would happen. And he played me. " My eyes begin to burn, desperately holding back the tears. Minho's gaze is hard. From the way he's looking at me, I can tell that he wasn't expecting me to share that much.
"I'm sorry," I sniff and try to look anywhere else. "I tend to overshare when I drink." I laugh awkwardly.
"Was he hitting you?" His question makes me freeze. This is a question I wished I would never hear anyone ask me. It sounds almost unreal.
"In the beginning, it wasn't so bad. Not enough for me to realise I guess. But he did at some point, yes. " My voice falters. "He would get mad often. He would yell. He would throw things, a lot of times dangerously close to me. At times I would try to calm him down, but he would push me, not caring to look where I would land. It wasn't like he was beating me up, we were fighting all the time. It was pushing around, slamming into walls, choking, throwing things. It was the type of beatings that in my mind I could justify cause I wasn't exactly innocent. If I had slapped him and then he had pushed me against the wall and choked me until I begged him to stop, I couldn't blame him completely cause I was the one who had started it. In the beginning, it was sort of exciting, the fighting and the toxicity gave me the kind of rush that made me go back, wanting more. But things started to change and the realization of the situation hit me as hard as the first time he actually slapped me. I would fight, I would yell at him but at some point I became mentally drained and I couldn't really fight back." The words come out of my mouth without me even thinking about them. Like a secret, I was dying to finally say out loud. "Even during sex he was-"
"That's enough" Minho looks at me, disgusted almost. He shakes his head and turns his gaze to the night sky.
"He had a hard childhood. His father treated him like shit. His mother passed away when he was young-" His laugh cuts me off as he turns to look at me.
"I'm not defending him," I whisper." I-I..." I take a deep breath. " I left him. It turns out I was a joke to him. He was supposed to fuck me and move on to the next girl. He had made bets with his friends and I was so naive that I fell right into his little game. The day I found out was the day he lost it and he ended up choking me. When it got to the point that I couldn't really breathe, he snapped back to reality but it was too late. I left him that day"
Minho shakes his head once again, smiling at the ground. His hands are crossed.
"The day we met, I caught him having sex with a blonde bitch at a frat party," I giggle. His eyes shoot up at mine. I drop to the ground and bring my knees to my chest. "And you know what's the saddest part?" I look up at him and smile a little. "I don't even miss him. I feel anger and pain whenever I look at him. I miss who I was before him. I'm mad at him for making me feel this weak and I'm more mad at myself for letting him." I honestly say. "I didn't realize it at the time but now looking back, I can see that the more I stayed, the more pieces of myself I was losing. Until it was too late. Now I feel like everything was taken away from me. All that I built myself to be, came crumbling down after him." I let out a breath of relief. I've been keeping all this inside for so long, never having the courage to say anything out loud. Maybe it's the alcohol or maybe I'm too emotional right now. Either way, even if he doesn't really care about anything I said, even if doesn't even like me, the feeling of this huge weight finally lifting off of my shoulder is incredible. He takes a seat beside me. His shoulder brushes mine. He smells like vanilla and cigarettes. He doesn't look at me but I keep studying him. His jawline is sharper than a knife and his nose is perfectly straight. His eyelashes are probably longer than mine and the curve of his lips looks almost fake. His side profile is close to perfection.
"The urge to go find him and just beat the shit out of him is so strong right now." He exhales.
"Why? You have already expressed how much you don't like me and how I piss you off, many times." I giggle at his statement.
"Yeah but people like him piss me off more. " He says. I don't replay, instead, I rest my head on my knees and stare at him. His eyes are still looking forward. " And it's not that I don't like you."
"How did you know?"
"You told me about it the first time I saw you and I've seen it happening too many times." He says. I don't speak. I can't think of anything to say and I don't wanna overstep any boundaries by asking questions. "My father was abusive too," He breaks the silence. "He was an alcoholic. A piece of shit. It was only my mother at first but as the years went by he became violent towards me and my sister. I would fight him off as much as I could, but it would never end well. I remember begging my mother to leave him. 'I love him,' she would say. 'He said he won't do it again' "
He smiles at himself. "I was 17 and my sister 18 at the time. My dad came home drunk as usual. Me and Mia were in our room when we heard the sound of glass shattering. I rushed down the stairs and found a guy that I'd never seen before on top of my mother. He had his hands around her neck, choking her. Another guy was standing next to them, with a lamp in his hand and my dad laying on the floor." He clears his throat. "Um, long story short, he owed them a lot of money, and when he couldn't pay they came to find him. I did everything I could to protect my mother and sister but I was just a kid, I couldn't do much but I gave my sister enough time to call the police. My dad along with them ended up in jail." He finally turns to look at me. The emotion in his eyes is noticeable, for once. "It was supposed to end there." He continues. "We were finally free." A pause. "Until my sister started dating this guy."
I can feel my heart tighten, knowing where this is going.
"He was okay. Everything seemed okay, she looked happy so I didn't give it too much thought. They were dating for almost 2 years when they moved together. That's when shit started happening. We were dancing together ever since we were little so both of us decided to study dance naturally. We were practicing together every day so it wasn't easy for her to hide her body. Random bruises on her arms and legs started appearing, her mood started to change, she started skipping classes, and not going out with her friends." He shakes his head almost as if he's trying to shake the images out of his head. "She was this bright person, such a joy to be around. Always smiling." He smiled in such a sad way that my chest tightened. "When she came to practice one day with a bruise on her face, I put two and two together and completely lost it. I beat the shit out of him." He laughs a bitter laugh."She, of course, protected him. She pulled me away, and I yelled at her. I couldn't understand but I saw it in her eyes. She looked at me the way my mother looked at me whenever I would tell her to leave my dad." A pause "She was supposed to be better," His voice tightened, his tone a little louder. "I didn't understand. I still don't," He breathes. "I didn't speak to her for days, until one day she knocked at my door, late at night, crying hysterically." He takes a deep breath, held it for a few seconds, and exhaled. "Turns out she was pregnant with that bastard's baby." He says and I suck a breath. He stays quiet, the silence makes what he said sink in more and more and I feel my heart break at his story.
"I was going to kill him." He looked at me. His face holds no expression but his eyes are swimming with emotions of all kinds. "For real, I was going to end him but she told me she left. She choose the baby over him and she left." I stare at him. That's all I can do honestly. What can I possibly say to him right now? His pain is all too familiar to mine. And I know that there's not much I can say.
"I understand," My voice comes out a bit louder than a whisper. " I understand. I was supposed to be better too." I offer him a small smile.
He opens his mouth to say something but Jeongin bursts through the door before he has the chance to.
"Oh my god, there you are" He releases a breath, his hand over his heart. "You've been gone for over half an hour." I rise to my feet.
"I'm sorry." I apologise "I wasn't feeling that well. I think I drank too much." I quickly mask my face with a smile.
"You think?" He smirks and I push lightly at him.
"Smoke break?" He looks at Minho and I turn to look back at him as well. Any emotion that was there, has left Minho's face. His expression is entirely natural. Like our talk never happened.
"Yeah." He takes a lighter out of his pocket and lights again the cigarette that I forgot he was holding.
"You should come down, the party is crazy. " Jeongin says, excited and clearly drunk as well.
The corners of Minho's mouth lift a bit ."I'll be there in a few minutes." He reassures him and lets his eyes trail to me for a few seconds before focusing on his cigarette. Jeongin nods, grabs my hand, and leads me down the stairs and back into the room.
"Oh, by the way, Hyunjin has been throwing up nonstop and Felix is panicking."
"What?" I yell.
"Yep." Jeongin's mouth turns into a thin line. He leads me towards the bathroom, where I see Hyunjin with his head on the toilet and Felix leaning against the door frame, his fingers resting at the bridge of his nose with his eyes closed.
"I left you for less than an hour." I run to Hyunjin's side. I sit down beside him, brushing some hair out of his face. His eyes are closed, head resting on top of his hand.
"Babysitting Hyunjin feels like my full-time job at this point." Felix jokes, frustration written in his voice.
"You can go back down, I'll take it from here."
He hesitates. "You sure?"
"Yes Felix, go have fun. I'll find him a place to sleep and I'll be down in a few." I reassure him.
"Alright, if anything happens come and get me." He says and basically runs down the stairs.
"Hyunjin? Are you awake?" I say lightly. No respond.
"We can put him in my bedroom if you want. " Jeongin scratches the back of his neck.
"Are you okay with that?"
"Yeah, sure" He shrugs and helps me lift Hyunjin. We walk just a few steps down the hall, into a bedroom, and gently drop Hyunjin on the bed. I scan the room, searching for a trashcan. I spot one under the desk, I place it beside the bed just in case he throws up again and turn him to his side before lowering the lights a bit.
"I'll come and check on him in a few. " I say as we make our way out of the room and down the stairs. The party is still going strong. I force myself to forget about Minho and what we talked about, by throwing myself back on the dance floor. The music gets louder and we get drunker. I lost count of the number of shots I've done, All I know is that I'm having a fucking great time. My body is on fire and my mind is numb. Unable to think, or panic. I move freely, I'm not thinking, I let the music guide my body and I let the alcohol take over my head. I spot chan coming out of the kitchen.
"Channie" I run to him, stumbling over my own feet. Thankfully, he catches me in his arms.
"Wow, you're really drunk." He laughs, helping me find my balance. I wrap my hands around his neck, refusing to let go.
"I've missed you so much" I slur.
"Okay, I know where this is going, and I don't want you to cry in front of everyone. How about we get you home?" His hand rests on my waist, as he leads me to the living room. Seungmin is sitting on the couch with Emma straddling his lap. They're making out as if their life depends on it. On the other couch, I spot Jisung and Minho talking.
"Em" Chan yells over the music, trying to get her attention. Her head snaps in our direction, breaking the kiss.
"She's drunk isn't she?" She sighs, a smile playing on her lips. I try to move away from Chan's grip but he won't let me
"I'm not drunk," I point my finger at her, trying to focus my eyes "I'm wasted." I smile.
Everyone laughs. Well, everyone except Minho.
"Okay, maybe we should get going." She climbs off of Seungmin's lap. "Where's Hyunjin?"
"Yeah, about that.." Chan trails off.
"He's blacked out drunk in Jeongin's room" Felix and Jeongin appear beside me, red cups in their hands.
"Jeongin," I squeal, as I break free from Chan's grip and run towards jeongin. "Let's dance." I attempt to grab his hand and drag him to the dance floor, but he sneaks a hand around my waist pulling me back, my back slamming into his front. I giggle.
"Nope," He laughs. "You've done enough dancing" I cross my hands and pout like a child. Felix laughs at my reaction.
" I haven't seen y/n drunk in so long, I've forgotten how funny she gets" he pats my head.
"I've not drunk Felix" I sigh dramatically, still in Jeongin's grip.
"I'm wasted," Chan and Emma say at the same time and everyone bursts into laughter. Everyone except Minho, again. I turn to look at him, and he's already looking at me. He's sitting on the couch, legs spread wide open, a red cup in his hand, and his head resting on the back of the couch. His free hand plays with his bottom lip and his eyes are focused on my figure, not moving. Not gonna lie, he looks hot. Minho is undeniably handsome. Something about his whole presence is attractive....until he opens his mouth. He can be a total ass. But right now he's not talking, he's simply staring at me, and he looks hot doing it.
"Wait, so if Hyunjin can't drive us back, how are we going to get home?" Emma's question breaks me from my thoughts.
"I can't drive, I've been drinking a lot" Felix giggles. His blonde hair is a mess and his cheeks look like they're on fire.
"I can drive." My hand goes up.
"No" jeongin brings my hand back down. I roll my eyes and rest my head against his chest. From the corner of my eyes, I see Minho lean forward. He places his elbows on his knees, the red cup now hanging from his hand between his legs. His eyes burn the side of my head.
"I can drive you," Jisung offers. "I've only been drinking water, all night"
"Yayyyy" I throw my hands in the air. Jisung flashes me a smile.
"Okay," Emma says and turns to Chan. "Please help me drag Hyunjin's drunk ass to the car." She stands from the couch and turns to Felix. "I'll grab all of our stuff, just take Y/n and Jisung to the car." She points a finger at him, her voice slow and loud as if she's explaining something to a child. Felix nods and takes me by the arm.
"I like them bossy." Seungmin wipes his lips with the back of his hand as his eyes follow Emma's back.
Jisung gets up from his spot beside Minho.
"Do you want me to come?" Minho looks up at him.
"No, I'll manage" He pats his back and Minho just nods.
"Okay then," He rubs his hands together. "Let's go kid." He says to me, placing a hand on my lower back, guiding me through the sweaty bodies, while Felix leads the way. Emma and Chan arrive at the car a few minutes after us, holding a very grumpy, half-asleep Hyunjin. Emma unlocks the car and gets into the passenger's seat while me, Hyunjin, and Felix get in the back. Hyunjin immediately lays his head on my lap, closing his eyes once again. Chan appears at my window.
"Text me when you guys get home, okay?" He says to Emma.
"Sure thing dad." She smiles at him.
"Goodnight Channie" I wave at him as Jisung starts the car.
"Bye." He waves back. I rest my head on the back of the seat, letting the cool air hit my face as my fingers run through Hyunjin's long blonde hair. Silence fills the car and my eyes begin to close until finally, sleep takes over me.
GENRE(S): smut, angst, fluff, fuck buddies to lovers
WARNINGS: smut [ praise, degradation, fingering, dirty talk, oral sex, choking, slapping, spanking] , mentions of violence, mentions of blood, swearing, mentions of alcohol, smoking. Jealous and protective JJ !
Author's note:Wrote this last night after finishing season 3, hope you’ll like it :)
SUMMARY:
You and JJ have been messing around for a few months now until you try to cut it off because of your growing feelings for him that you think are one sided. A series of unfortunate events bring you face to face with unexpected fear and your relationship with JJ when you get caught up in their treasure hunt.
I've always loved summer. Something about the warm weather, the sun, the ocean, and the salt on my skin made me feel alive. For the most part, I loved my life in ΟΒΧ. Some would say that I was born blessed, that I got both sides of the coin with my mom being a pogue and my dad being a kook but it feels mostly like a curse to me. My whole life I've never been fully accepted by either side. I wasn't t rich and snobby enough for the Kooks and never wild and spontaneous enough for the Pogues. It's not like I was on bad terms with anyone, everyone was friendly enough but ever since I could remember I felt left out, never having real friends. And if I'm being honest, it wasn't the kooks that I was jealous of, something about the pogue life pull me in. It seemed exciting and freeing in a way. When my mom married my dad and had me she knew that she wanted me to grow up knowing both sides. She wanted to offer me the chance to be the one to choose where I belong. She's big on following your heart and dreams and always told me growing up that I'll find my way and that if I follow my gut, the choice is gonna be pretty easy. We lived in Figure 8 but my mom opened a cafe on the south side, wanting to keep in touch with that side of her life. My life is a series of the same things over and over again. I like spending time alone, if I'm not at school or working my shift at the cafe, I'll probably be by the beach, reading or surfing. Sometimes I will go on boat rides with my dad or steal the keys and go by myself. It's not often that I will hang out with the Kooks, in fact, Sarah Cameron is probably the only person that I would voluntarily hang out with and actually enjoy it. And when it comes to the Pogues, everyone knows that it's just Kie and her boys. I'm friendly with all of them, occasionally have chat with or enjoy the waves together but that's about it.
Today is a day exactly like any other; I finished school and came straight to the cafe. It was not too crowded, with only a few regular customers enjoying their usual cup of coffee. I was behind the counter, cleaning the coffee machines, making sure everything was full and ready until I heard them. It's the group of kids that you hear before you see. John B enters first, pushing his long brown hair back as he laughs at something Pope is saying. I like John B, we share a lot in common and have nice conversations from time to time. He's a really fun and social person but this year was a rough one for him. His dad went missing almost a year ago, many people consider him dead by now but John B will not accept it, he still thinks he's alive, somewhere lost at sea. My mom and his dad were close back in the day before she met my dad and moved to figure 8. We used to play together when we were young up until he met his current best friends. My dad offered him a few jobs involving our boat and at the cafe, after Big John disappeared so I've been seeing him around more lately. Pope and Kiara follow right behind him. Me and Kie used to be close, but now our relationship has changed into a few talks here and there, I still consider her one of my closest friends though. Pope is fun. He's one of the few people that talks to me normally and always makes me feel comfortable at social events or parties. And lastly, my favourite pogue follows. JJ Maybank. Me and JJ have an interesting relationship. Teasing, flirting, bickering, that's his speciality with every girl in the Outer Banks, kook or pogue but sometimes I like to think that he actually enjoys my company. He was always the one I was looking forward to see but today he's the one I'm trying to avoid and have been trying for the past 2 weeks. His blue eyes find mine the minute he walks through the door, and a smirk spreads across his face.
"Hey, Y/n" John B greets me, reaching the counter.
"I'm not serving you free coffee." I immediately shake my head, knowing exactly what they want.
"Oh, come on." He frowns his thick brows, fake pouting.
I let a small chuckle at his attempt. "How many times do you think it will take for my mum to notice?"
"One more?" He offers, lifting his shoulders.
I scoff, shaking my head again.
"Come on, your mum loves me anyway." He presses.
"Yeah, but my dad not so much."
JJ places his elbows on the counter, right next to John B, and I immediately look down, continuing cleaning the coffee machine like I was doing before they came in.
"What if I'm the one asking?" He says, leaning in with that playful smile of his that I know all too well.
"Then it's defiantly a no." I fake a tight smile.
"Why so grumpy today princess?" He places a hand over his heart.
I roll my eyes and turn back to John B. He brings his palms together, begging me silently.
I sigh. "This is the last time." I point my finger at both of them.
"Yes!" They high-five each other.
"I'll bring it over." I wave them off.
I lift my eyes to his only for a second, catching the wink he sends my way as he follows John B to their usual table where Kie and Pope are seated.
I quickly fix up 4 iced coffees and walk over to them.
"Here you go."
"You're the best." John B touches my side lightly.
"You're coming next Saturday right?" Kie asks reaching for her coffee.
"What's next Saturday?" I question placing the last coffee on the table.
"We're throwing a party on the beach. It's gonna be fun." Pope explains.
"You're coming." JJ states without looking my way.
"I'll see." I nod at Kie with a small smile before leaving them to it. I walk back to the safety of my counter feeling his eyes burning on my back. The parties here at obx were always good. It's the one time that Kooks and Pogues can coexist in one place without jumping on each other's throats. Well, sometimes at least. It's fun nevertheless, all of us drinking and dancing by the beach forgetting our responsibilities and problems for a little while.
I stay behind the counter, doing any task possible to distract myself but anytime I let my gaze fall his way, he's already looking.
"Thanks for the coffee Y/n." John B waves at me as they leave about an hour later.
"See you at the party cupcake." He brings two fingers to his forehead.
"Maybe." I shrug, walking to their table to clean up.
"You know I'll be miserable without you." He yells already out the door.
. . . .
I don't usually work on Fridays, so after school, you'll probably find me at the beach if I'm not locked in my room. I enjoy my alone time. Riding the waves, sitting under the sun with a good book, or drawing in my sketchbook. Today my mind felt a little heavier, so I took my time, and before I knew it the sun began setting. I quickly throw my bag over my shoulder and begin to make my way back, realising that it's almost dinner time. I silently curse at myself for not riding my bike to the beach cause the walk back to Figure 8 seems dreadful. My ears perk up catching the sound of a motorcycle approaching with speed and I close my eyes hoping that it's not him but when I hear the motorcycle slowing down I know that my hope is not coming true. He stops beside me and I stop walking, turning to look at him. His hair is pushed back by the wind, he's wearing a simple white t-shirt with grey cargo pants, and his face is as pretty as always. My eyes narrow a little as I spot a bruise over his right cheekbone and it doesn't take long before I spot all the different marks and scars across his face.
He still forces a smug smile on his lips, ignoring my staring. "Having an afternoon surfing session princess?"
"What happened?" My eyes can't stop studying his face.
"Oh, you know the Kooks had it coming." He shrugs, masking his face perfectly like he always does but I know better.
"JJ." I trail off, my stomach tightening knowing exactly where he got these injuries from.
His jaw tightens. "It's nothing' Y/n. Same old, same old." I shake my head, in disgust. I can't even stand the thought that his dad walks around the OBX freely. He's such a piece of shit. "Get on the bike." He nods behind him.
"It's fine, I'll walk." I tilt my chin.
He scoffs with a smirk. "When will you stop with this whole act you’re putting on?" He waves his hand around.
I change the weight from my right to my left leg, crossing my arms. "I don't know what you're talking about." I keep my face expressionless, ignoring the way his beaten face cause my heart to tighten.
His eyebrows come together and his gaze shifts, dropping the playful act. "You're ignoring me." He states.
I'm trying.
I avoided his eyes cause I know that the more I look at them the weaker I get. It happens every time, I say that I'm gonna stand my ground and then I find myself beside him regardless.
"Look," He clears his throat, eyes moving everywhere. A weird expression takes over his features and I immediately know that he feels uncomfortable. "I don't care why you're pushing me away but can you stop ignoring me for a few hours?" He struggles to speak the words and that makes me a little warm inside. I glance at his bruised face once more, remembering all the times he came to me after his fights with his father. All the long talks we would have in order to get his mind off of it or the times I would sneak him through my window to treat his injuries.
I sigh and silently climb behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist. I feel him chuckle. "Just so you know, we're just talking."
"Sure." I can't see his face but I bet he's grinning.
He took his time, driving aimlessly around the streets of OBX. I don't mind though, I know him enough to know that it helps him clear his head, so I stay silent resting my head against his back and enjoying the ride. The sun has set and the night breeze tingles my skin in the best way. I notice that he takes the familiar route to my house.
"Are your parents home?" He yells, looking behind his shoulder.
"Yeah, I think."
"We'll have to be quiet then." He clicks his tongue.
"Like that has stopped you before." I smile against his shoulder.
"True." He glances at me again, the corners of his mouth lifting.
He parks his bike a block down from my house and he walks quietly around the back while I go from the front door.
"Hey, honey." My mom yells from the kitchen at the sound of the door opening.
"Hey, mom." I enter the kitchen, sneaking my arms around her waist while she chops some cucumbers, preparing a salad for dinner.
"Dinner will be ready soon." She smiles.
"Oh, I'm not hungry, I already ate." I brush her off, walking to the fridge.
"It smells amazing dear." My dad enters the kitchen, dropping his keys on the kitchen table.
My mom flashes a smile at my dad before turning back to me. "When did you eat?"
"I hung out with Kie by the beach and we had some sandwiches." I quickly make up an excuse, grabbing a water bottle and closing the fridge.
"Just Kiara?" My dad lifts an eyebrow.
"Yes dad," I sigh.
"Honey." My mom scolds him.
"What?" He lifts his shoulders. "I'm sorry that I don't want my daughter hanging around boys that smoke weed, get drunk, and steal shit on the daily."
"Mark." She glares at him.
"They're not stealing anything, dad." I narrow my eyes, sick of him attacking them all the time. "They're not like that, you don't know them."
"Well, some of them are." He continues and I know exactly who he's referring to.
"You're wrong" I shake my head, lifting my hands. " and you're not gonna tell me who I can and can't hang out with." I walk past him shooting him a glare and head up the stairs.
"Y/n." I hear my mom yell but I ignore her and hurry into my room, slamming the door shut and locking it.
JJ's shoulder is rest against the open window, arms crossed in front of him with an unreadable expression. I drop my gaze to the floor, walking to sit on my bed and placing the bottle on my nightstand, feeling a little ashamed for the way my dad spoke about him and his friends.
"I'm sorry for my dad." I feel the need to say.
He moves to sit next to me, forcing a tight smile on his lips. "It's fine, we all know his opinion about the south side."
I move my head, trying to get a better look at him. "Hey, are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah princess you don't have to worry about me." The nickname tugs at my heart almost as much as his smile.
I reach to touch his hair, pushing them back and toying with the short hair at the nape of his neck. "You know you can talk to me."
His eyes twitch with suppressed emotion, his jaw set with eyebrows frowned. "I know." I offer him a small smile, not moving my hand. "Can you, like, talk to me?" He asks. His eyes are screaming even though he manages to keep his expression under control. "I want you to take my mind off things, just talk to me about anything." His tone is almost begging.
I bring my knees to my chest, wrap my arms around them and turn to face him. 'What do you wanna know about this time? My weird obsession with serial killer documentaries, my views on feminism, or if I put the milk or cereal first?"
His face breaks into the first real smile today and I feel a little proud. He shakes his head lightly, his eyes not leaving mine before he pulls me by the neck, smashing his lips to mine. It's like all the pain he carries and all the words he desperately wants to say are spoken by the way he moves his lips hungrily against mine. The softness of his mouth contrasts his rough breathing as his hands hold my face, pulling me closer to him. His small groan that echoes through the room and the feeling of his tongue brushing over mine snaps me back to reality.
"Jay," I whimper, pushing at his chest lightly.
His lips leave mine but our foreheads stay together. "I'm sorry." He mumbles, inhaling short, sharp breaths.
My fingers trace his bruises and my stomach twists even at the thought of how his dad created them. I hate how he grew up having to hide all this pain and I hate how he's being treated. "I don't want you to go back to him tonight." I whisper and his eyes snap to mine. "Stay with me."
His face finally breaks, and the emotion in his eyes overtakes his whole expression.
"But we're just sleeping," I lean back, pointing my finger at him. "and you'll have to leave before my parents wake up."
His eyes water a bit but a grin paints his lips as he wraps his arms around me, pushing me back to the bed.
A giggle escapes me. Damn him.
. . . . . . . .
"I'm going with Topper." Sarah touches up her already perfect makeup.
"Ugh." I groan. "What do you even see in him?" I scrunch up my nose. Sarah is the only kook that I can stand to hang out with. And the only Cameron I actually like.
"He's nice." She rolls her eyes at me, holding up two dresses, one yellow and one blue. "Stop being a bitch to him. Which one?"
I tilt my head." The yellow one obviously."
"What are you wearing?" She questions while peeling off her clothes and changing into the short yellow dress.
"I don't know if I want to go." I lay back down on her king-size bed.
"Come on, you love parties. Is it that you don't wanna go or that you don't wanna see a certain someone?" She wiggles her brows at me.
"I'm just not in the mood." I shrug, looking away but she sees right through me.
"Yeah right." She chuckles. "Cut the shit and get dressed." She throws a black shirt on me.
. . . . .
The beach is full of people, kooks, and pogues dancing, drinking, and having fun. Big barrels of beer everywhere, stands with bottles of alcohol and hundreds of red cups here and there. It's not even midnight and everyone is already wasted. Most of the girls are in their bikinis by now, dancing like there's no tomorrow on top of giant rocks. The minute we enter the party, I go straight for the beer, pouring myself a cup. My eyes silently search the crowd for any sight of his fluffy, blonde hair, or of any of his friends. I spot Kie and Pope taking shots with a few other people and John B just a few meters again, flirting with a blonde girl but he's nowhere to be found.
"Looking for someone?" Rafe says close to my ear, catching me off guard and making me flinch away. He smiles at my reaction.
"What are you doing here?" He's one of the people that rarely joins things like this. He and his friends really don't get along with the pogues, unlike me and Sarah. I try my best to limit my contact with Rafe, Topper, and the rest of their little group but somehow they find a way to be right in my face.
"Enjoying the free alcohol." He lifts the cup to his lips, hiding his smile. "What are you doing here?"
I take a sip of my beer. "I came with Sarah."
He nods, eyeing me up and down. "You look gorgeous as always."
I roll my eyes at his compliment. "Thanks."
"You know," He leans in closer. "you're always cold towards us but when it comes to these pogues you're a fucking angel. Why is that?"
I sigh out loud, not really in the mood to deal with his whining. "Cause I can. " I offer him a smile before walking away, blending in with the dancing crowd.
It didn't take more than 4 cups of alcohol, to find myself dancing between a few half-naked girls, that are probably as drunk as I am. My body has a mind of its own as I swing my hips to the beat of some '00 song. I lost sight of Sarah half an hour ago when she disappeared with Topper, and I joined Kie and Pope and took a few shots before throwing myself between the sweaty bodies, pretending that the fact that JJ is still nowhere to be found does not affect me at all. He's a known player around the Obx, sleeping around, flirting his way through, breaking hearts left and right and I've had my fair share of it. But the game he's playing is a dangerous one, and I'm trying to protect myself the best way I can.
"Shots!." John B yells, throwing his hands in the air, holding a bottle of tequila in his right one. A few girls extend their cups for him to pour them some but I've probably dropped mine while dancing cause it's not between my fingers anymore.
I tap on his shoulder to get his attention. "Hit me!" I yell over the music and open my mouth wide.
"Let's go!" He yells pouring a shot straight into my mouth. The alcohol drips down my chin as I try to swallow, my eyes watering at the process.
"Another one." John B says and taps my chin waiting for me to open my mouth again and I do. All eyes are suddenly on us, everyone is cheering and yelling as I shallow my fourth shot in a row and I feel two hands grabbing me by the legs and lifting me higher. I throw my hands in the air, laughing as the people around me scream louder. My mind is somewhere else, and I let the carefree feeling and numbness that comes with alcohol overtake me. Until I open my eyes. I sober up in a second when my eyes find his. His on top of a rock, smoking with a few other people. A girl leans in towards him, her hand wrapping around him as she laughs at something Pope said but he stays unbothered, his eyes still on me as he lifts his cup my way with a nod and a smile. I nod back not knowing what to do before turning back to the girls I was dancing with. I continue moving to the music but my mind isn't letting me shake him off. Suddenly, the alcohol feels heavy in my stomach and the sound of my heartbeat is louder than the music in my ears. My hand flies to my mouth as I run out of the dancing crowd and as far away as I can from the people before dropping to my knees and vomiting in a bag full of used cups. I feel two hands reaching for my hair as all the alcohol that I consumed leaves my system.
"It's okay, I got you." I hear Rafe's voice over the music that has faded a bit due to the distance. "Here" He hands me a napkin.
"Thank you." I cough out, taking the napkin, and bringing it to my lips.
"Hold on, let me bring you some water."
I wipe my mouth and drop the napkin inside the trash bag.
"Here." He pushes a cup of water into my hand, tugging my hair behind my ear as I take a few sips of the water slowly. "Stop drinking so much Y/n, Jesus."
"I'm okay." I rise to my feet.
"Come on," His hand wraps around my waist. "let's take you home yeah?" He starts pulling me towards the other side of the beach.
"I don't think she's going anywhere with you Cameron." My head snaps to the right, hearing Rafe scoff at the sight of JJ. JJ's eyes twitch when they fall on me, his eyebrows coming together.
"I don't think you have a saying in what she does pogue." Rafe's hands drop from my body as he takes a step forward.
JJ's expression shifts in a second when he moves his eyes from me to Rafe, a smile spreading over his lips. "Oh I think I do," He takes a step forward as well. "And she's not going anywhere with you." His voice drops a little.
"I suggest you take a step back." Rafe doesn't back down.
JJ's eyes darken. "Or what?" He takes yet another step. "Last time I checked you're still nipping at her heels and following her around in case she pities you and gives you a chance."
Rafe lets out a growl, pushing JJ backwards but he just laughs mockingly, knowing he hit a nerve but that angers Rafe more.
I step between them before Rafe can make another move. "Stop acting like five-year-olds." I look at both of them, but they ignore me, not taking their eyes off each other.
"Hey," My hand touches Rafe's chest, forcing his eyes away from JJ. "go back to the party, I'll let you know when I'm ready to leave." I lie, knowing that it's the only way to make him walk away without creating a scene cause trying to make JJ drop this would be even harder. Rafe's eyes narrow, flickering back to JJ. I reach for his hand, softening my tone. "I'll find you." I nod, trying to reassure him.
He nods back, letting out a sigh. "Turn him down kindly babe." He says, knocking JJ's shoulder with his as he walks out.
JJ's eyes are fixated on me. "You'll let him know when you're ready to leave huh?" He says when Rafe's far enough.
"Maybe." I play along, shrugging my shoulders.
His tongue comes out to wet his pink lips, hands resting on his hips as he takes a step towards me. "Is that so?"
"Last time I checked I can go home with anyone I want." I cross my arms, trying not to let my gaze drop to his lips.
"We both know that I would never let that happen." His voice drops, his tone raspier.
"Why JJ?" I tilt my head upwards due to our height difference but that doesn't stop me from taking a step forward as well, only leaving a few inches between us.
His fingers wrap around my neck, catching me off guard. "Come on now princess, let's not play dumb." He smirks.
"I'm not playing dumb. Actually, I'm done playing." I wrap my hand around his wrist, pulling it away from my neck.
Something flashes over his eyes but doesn't stay for long. "Trust me, I'm done playing as well." He mumbles before cupping my jaw with both hands, not letting me escape and in a split second his lips crush into mine. My breath hitches as the taste of weed and beer coats my tongue but I'd be lying if I say that I haven't missed it. It's been a week since the last time I kissed him and since then I've tried to keep myself at a distance, knowing that the more I let this go on the more invested I become, and knowing JJ, it will not end up well If I do. He lets out a low moan as his tongue enters my mouth, colliding passionately with mine. My fingers grab his shirt for support, my body suddenly overwhelmed by the familiar knot in my stomach that begins to build.
"Fuck, I missed you baby." He breaks the kiss, allowing me to take a much-needed breath. I dare to lift my eyes, looking up at him through my eyelashes, only to find him looking hungrily down at me. His hands travel from my jaw, down to the curve of my waist and he pulls my body to his. "You kept me waiting for so long." He breathes out, resting his forehead on mine.
"JJ" My tone begging and warning at the same time. "We shouldn't be doing this."
"You can not name a single good reason for us not to." He says, running his thumb over my bottom lip.
"I can name a few."
His hands drop to my ass and in a swift move, he lifts me off the ground forcing my legs to wrap around his waist. "I'd rather hear other sound out of that pretty mouth of yours." He starts walking away from the party, keeping his hands secure under my thighs and crashing his lips to mine once again. He makes sure we're far enough from the crowd and behind plenty of trees and bushes before stopping and dropping me carefully on the sand. He breaks the kiss, straightening his body and reaching to peel off his white long-sleeve shirt.
"You look fucking amazing tonight." He doesn't break eye contact. "I was hard from the minute I saw you walk in." He leans back down, his eyes roaming over my body as if he hasn't seen it in ages.
My hands reach for the ends of my shirt, pulling it over my head. "Fuck." He dives hungrily into my naked chest. Sucking, nibbling, and biting. He squeezes my boobs between his palms, rolling his tongue over my nipples, making them harder by the second. His wet lips slide down my stomach teasingly as his fingers toy with the button of my shorts before finally unbuttoning it. He drags it down my legs, leaving me in my black panties, exposed and ready for him. Somehow I always find myself in this position as much as I'm trying to avoid it but the sight of him desperately fumbling with his belt as his eyes devour my body is one that I'll never get enough of.
I lift myself onto my knees, lowering my body so I'm facing his crotch. I pull down his shorts along with his boxers freeing his already hard member. A small moan escapes my lips at the sight, my mouth watering. His thumb and index finger reach for my jaw, tilting my head to meet his dark gaze.
"I want your eyes on me as you choke on my dick, okay princess?" He says and I'm aflame from head to toe. He takes his dick in his other hand, pumping it a few times before dragging the tip across my lips, coating them with his leaking precum. I keep my eyes locked on his wild blue ones as I take him in my mouth.
"Fuck" He curses under his breath as I twirl my tongue around the tip. I replace his hand with mine, taking him deeper, the size of him weighing on my tongue. I relax my jaw, allowing almost his whole member to enter my mouth. His hands fist my hair while his hips begin to thrust forward, lightly fucking himself in my mouth.
"You're so fucking good at this baby." He praises me. "Look at you choking on it, that's it." I force myself to breathe through my nose while saliva starts dripping from my mouth down to my chin. He fastens his pace only for a few seconds before, pulling my head sharply back by my hair, his dick dropping from my mouth as I gasp for air.
He groans out loud. "I missed this."
His words sink in as much as I try not to let them. It's always 'I missed this' and never 'I missed you.'
He connects our lips again, tasting himself while he pushes me down on my back. His fingers run over my clothed pussy, and that's enough to make my back arch, silently begging him for more. My body responds to him in ways that I can't explain or control. Just a touch and he has me already panting. He pulls my underwear to the side opening my folds with his middle finger.
"Ugh." I gasp.
"Shit baby, you're already dripping." He whispers satisfied against my lips. His mouth falls to the curve of my neck, sucking on my skin as his fingers begin to rub circles over my clit making tiny moans escape me. Unexpectedly, he slides two fingers inside me, quickly building a fast pace.
"Oh, my god." I shut my eyes, pleasure creeping into my lower belly.
"You respond to me so well princess." He kisses me, capturing my bottom lip between his teeth. His fingers pump in and out of me, making my breath shorter as the pleasure builds.
"God Jay, I'm gonna-" The words die in my throat and the flicker of his thumb on my clit sends me unexpectedly over the edge. My orgasm rushes over me like a wave, my body going numb for a few seconds, gasps and moans leaving my lips.
"That's it baby, ride it out." His pace slows down a bit before pulling his fingers out. He leaves wet kisses along my jaw, making my eyes fly open.
"I want more. " My tone begging with no embarrassment.
A grin overtakes his lips, his eyes shining under the dim light of the moon. "I want you on your hands and knees. " He demands.
My body moves on its own, and before my mind can catch up I'm on all four, my ass on display in front of him. He runs his palms over the skin before slapping sharply my right ass-cheek.
I gasp, flinching forward. "That's for flirting with Rafe."
"I wasn't flirting with-"
Another slap.
"And that's for ignoring me for a week." He growls. I stay silent as he pulls my underwear to the side again. He strokes my pussy with the head of his dick, dragging it up and down my slit, teasing me.
"JJ please," I whine desperately.
He leans down bringing his lips beside my ear. "Say you're sorry for ignoring me."
I swallow the last bit of pride that's left in me, understanding that my need for him is too big, and knowing that his ego is hurt, I do as he says. "I'm sorry for ignoring, I'm sorry."
"You want me?" He presses, his tone dripping with enjoyment.
"Yes, I want you so bad, please." I push my ass backwards.
He lets out a low chuckle and I hear him rip open a condom, seconds later his head presses against my entrance and slides in slowly. We both let out a groan at the feeling. God, I missed this too.
"Ready?" He asks breathlessly after a few seconds.
I nod my head, allowing him to move his hips. He grabs a full fist of my hair while his other hand stays on the curve of my ass before he pulls out and slams back in.
I immediately gasp when he begins to thrust inside me building a fast and steady rhythm.
"God, you're so fucking tight." He groans. The sound of skin on skin fills the air and my breaths begin to come out short as I arch my back. His dick feels too good inside me, almost heavenly. The way he moves, the sounds he makes, I've missed everything.
"Fuck it's so good." I brokenly moan. His balls begin to hit perfectly at my clit, pushing me closer and closer to my second orgasm. His grip on my hair tightens and pants of air mixed with low growls leave his mouth. I'm struggling to keep my body up as a fucks me harder than ever before and the fire in my belly grows.
"I'm not gonna last long." He mumbles in my ear but the pleasure between my legs is too much, my muscles burn and I squeeze my eyes shut as I let my second orgasm wash over me, euphoria spreading at every inch of my body. My legs begin to shake the sensation too intense as he fucks me through the last of it. His thrusts become sloppier, his nails digging into the flesh of my ass.
He falls forward and I feel his heartbeat on my back. "Fuck, Y/n." He lets an animistic growl in my ear, his body stilling completely as he empties himself inside the condom. Drops of sweat fall from the tips of his blonde hair on my shoulder, while both he and I catch out breaths. After almost a minute he plants a kiss on my back before pulling out slowly. The feeling of emptiness creeps in, alongside with the embarrassment and the realisation of what just happened. I hear him pulling the condom out and throwing it somewhere, while I stay almost frozen. Now that everything is done, I can't find the strength to face him. I lift myself to my feet, my legs still a little weak but I ignore it reaching for my shorts and putting them back on. I keep my back to him and my head low as reach for my top. The sound of his belt lets me know that he doing the same. I feel a tap on my shoulder and I turn around. He holds up my shirt between his fingers.
"Thanks." My voice falters. I pull the shirt over my head and run my fingers through my tangled hair. I feel his eyes on me, burning at the side of my head. I build up all the courage that I can master and turn my gaze to him and it takes one second to regrade it. He stands there, fully dressed, his blonde hair a mess, looking at me with those eyes. Those big, blue eyes that I've grown so used to over the last few months, staring at me with so much softness, analysing. Suddenly, my body is fighting a wave of emotions.
"What?" I ask, my tone almost a whisper.
He clenches and unclenches his jaw, his eyes saying so much but his mouth, not a single word. "I'm taking you home." He states before turning around and walking away back towards the party. I don't fight him, I simply follow him to his bike. Both of us know exactly what's going on, I know he understands what I'm trying to do but he doesn't seem to understand why and I don't bother explaining. I know him. I know how he is, I know how he reacts. I know who he is and who I am. I keep my hands tight around his waist as we make the short way towards my house on his bike. I try to enjoy these last few moments with him. It's always stolen moments like these. On his bike, on the beach, hidden in John B's van, silently in my room, or in my dad's boat. And that's not enough.
.
.
.
.
It's been days since I last saw him. He left me home, with a small nod and a goodnight and I haven't seen him since then. Truth be told, I haven't worked at the cafe at all, claiming to my mother that I have a lot of homework, which is partly true. I've been distracting myself as much as I can with school and studying. Tonight is no different, I'm sitting comfortably in my bed working on my homework for Monday.
"That's it, I'm done with this boy." My dad's yelling interrupts me, catching my attention.
"Honey please, he's going through a rough time." My mom tries to calm him down. "Let me talk to Y/n, maybe she knows something."
"She better not, she shouldn't be hanging out with these boys in the first place." I hear a door slam. I have heard my dad this angry in a long time, but usually, it is always about the same things; either me sneaking around and breaking his house rules or something to do with the pogues. My dad loves my mom and accepts her for who she is but he doesn't get why she still wants to have ties with the south side and most importantly why she wants me to grow up knowing both sides. But what are they fighting about now? What boy?
A soft knock on my door snaps me out of my thoughts. "Come in."
My mom opens the door slowly., entering my room. "Hey, honey." She closes the door behind her.
"What's going on mom? Why is dad yelling?" I ask her right away.
She lets out a sigh and approaches my bed, taking a seat. "Y/n have you talked to John B at all?"
My eyebrows twitch. "Um, no not really, why?"
She doesn't appear mad unlike the way my dad sounded a few seconds ago, instead, her face falls at my answer. "Are you sure? Have you talked to Kiara or the other boys?"
I shake my head, her questions confusing me more. "No mum, why?"
"Apparently the keys to the boat are nowhere to be found." She finally explains.
"And you think Jonh B stole them?" I lift both my brows. "Mom, come on, I mean I would expect something like this from dad but not from you."
"No, no" My mom shakes her head, reaching for my hand. "No, honey. You know what I think of him, I care about John B, I've known him since he was a child. I wouldn't mind if he took the key and had fun on the boat with his friends for a few days but you know how your dad gets."
"It's always the pogues' fault." I roll my eyes.
"Please talk to him, " She nods. "I would hate for him to lose his job because of something like this. Just ask if he took them."
I nod back. "Fine, I will."
"Thanks, honey." She places a kiss on my forehead. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight mom." I hold my smile until she closes the door. Why would John B take the keys to our boat? He knows that if he simply asked me or my mom we would let him borrow it. This doesn't seem like something he would do but then again, the only people that have access to the boat are me, my parents, and him. I reach for my phone and call John B but the phone rings and rings with no answer. I try a few more times, before trying Kie and Pope, but no luck. I stare at his number for a few seconds before pressing call, mentally preparing myself to listen to his voice after so long but just like the rest of them, he doesn't pick up.
"What the hell? Why is none answering?"
.
.
.
I decided to go by the chateau after my morning shift at the cafe. I prepare myself and go over the things I'll say if by chance JJ's there as well but I stop in my tracks when an unfamiliar van comes into view packed outside the house. Sounds of glass breaking, things being thrown around, and doors slamming can be heard as I move closer to the house. I push myself behind a big tree, narrowing my eyes, trying to peer through the open window, when 2 men come into view. Big, muscular, and scary looking. Fear begins to spread through my body.
"You better not be in there boy!" One of them yells as they both throw themselves to a closed door, trying to open it. They kick and punch at the old wooden door as it slowly begins to crumble. Suddenly I see the window on the side of the house opening, and a body quickly forcing its way out of it. He turns around and I immediately recognise Pope's face. Kie follows shortly after with John B right behind them. They begin to run my way as I stay frozen, completely shocked by what's happening right in front of me. Pope's eyes lock with mine, his face taken over by a scared expression probably mirroring mine.
"Guys." He yells in a whispering tone and everyone's heads snap my way. JJ is the last to jump out the window, running behind his friends.
His eyes fall on me, eyes widening. "No, no, no." He mumbles as they all reach me. "No, not now." He grabs my arm just when a gunshot echoes through the area. I gasp, my body numbing with fear as JJ drags me along with them, my eyes not leaving the house as the 2 guys open the door and burst into the room that they guys came out of. JJ pulls me inside the small chicken coop closing the small door behind us. I bring my hand to cover my mouth, my fingers trembling. I look around taking in all of their scared faces. "W-what-" I try to say.
"What are you doing here?" JJ angrily whispers, pulling me by the arm to face him but I don't react.
"JJ now is not the time." Kie snaps at him, fear written all over her face as well. The chickens begin to make noise, yet nothing reaches me. "Do something. " She nods towards the chickens.
"Like what? Pet them?" Pope jokes while trying not to panic.
JJ reaches over taking the chicken in his hands and squeezing his little neck until it eventually stops breathing. I try to take deep breaths but my eyes stay locked on the house as the men get inside the car and drive off. Kiara takes my hand in her, tears wetting her cheeks.
"I think it's clear." John B says. "Come on." He steps out of the coop, Pope and Kiara following him.
JJ moves in front of me, stepping out as well. He extends his hand for me to take. My trembling fingers wrap around it, allowing him to pull me out.
"What are you here?" He repeats. His eyes look at me still panicked, moving around my face almost fanatically. His hands come up to my face, pushing hair away.
"I.." I try to form a sentence but my mouth is dry. "I was looking f-for John B."
"God." He runs his fingers through his hair, moving around.
"I thought we were going to die." Kie breathes out, holding her hand over her chest. Pope moves to her side and pulls her into a side hug.
"What just happened?" I say still trying to catch my own breath. "Who are they? What did they want?"
John B looks at his friends, and I know that he's silently asking them if he can tell me. He walks towards me. "Hey, I'm sorry you had to see that." He pulls me to his chest.
"Are you in trouble?" I look up at him. "you know that my mom will help you with anything. Just tell me."
"Y/n-"
"You don't have to know everything." JJ says, his hands crossed in front of him, his face suddenly cold.
I move my eyes to him, confused by his tone and sudden energy shift.
"JJ.." Kiara sends him a careful glare.
"Why were you looking for me?"
"Um," I mumble, my eyes still fixated on JJ. "did you take the keys to our boat?"
He closes his eyes, cursing under his breath. "Yeah," he looks at his friends again, all of them looking at me apologetically. What the hell is going on? I'm used to not being involved in pretty much anything when it comes to them, but this is not a joke.
I narrow my eyes at all of them, shaking my head. "Can anyone please explain to me what the fuck just happened?"
"Look Y/n-" Pope takes a step forward but JJ cuts him off, placing a hand on his chest.
"No, she doesn't need to know."
"What's wrong with you?" Anger overtakes my tone. He's acting like an asshole right now. "Do you realise what just happened JJ? Those guys had a gun."
"I know that Y/n." He clenches his jaw, walking back towards me. "but it doesn't involve you, so just go back to figure 8 cause last time I checked that's where you belong." He gets closer to my face and I feel my whole body stiffens at his cruel words. "Stop trying to be a pogue."
I tighten the muscles on my face, not wanting to let the tears leave my eyes but the unexpected anger overtakes my body and my hand moves across his face, slapping him hard. His face freezes, staying to the right. He has never spoken to me like that. He has never acted this way towards me and I hate it.
"Fuck you dude." I spit, shaking my head. I turn to John B. "Give me the keys." I don't care why they took them and I don't wanna know what happened anymore, I just wanna go home.
"Y/n.." He gives an apologetic look.
"Give. me. the. keys." My tone is sharp as I open my palm in front of him.
He lets out a sigh before dropping them in my palm. I put them in my pocket, not saying a word to him, and turn around.
"Y/n, let me come with you." Kie offers.
"I'd rather not." I say getting inside my car and slamming the door shut. I pull out without waiting for any of them to try and stop me and drive off, letting the tears finally fall. Tears of fear, tears of anger, and tears of hurt. He was right; I desperately wanted to be one of them my whole life but that wasn't the reason why I asked. I don't give a shit what they were doing and how they ended up in a situation like that, but it was serious. It wasn't fun and games, those guys weren't joking around and I care about them. All of them. If they're in trouble I want to help them as much as I can. My mom would understand them and she would do anything to help cause she's a pogue. But I'm not. I'm not and they'll never see me as one. They'll never trust me enough. He'll never let me get close. I know how it is and I thought that I had accepted it but clearly I was wrong cause it hurts.
. . . .
It's been 2 days and yet I'm still on edge. I still look over my shoulder every 5 seconds, and I still flinch over any slightly loud noise. I've been zoning out constantly, my mind travelling back to that day and his words. It still hurts, the way he talked to me but it was the reality check that I needed. Maybe it's time to actually stop and move on.
I wipe the last of the tables getting ready to close the cafe. The sun is setting and I can't wait to go home and relax after a long day. I move to the counter, grabbing my stuff and making sure everything is closed and in order when I hear the 'ding' the door makes when it opens.
"I'm sorry we're closed-" I turn around coming face to face with the 2 men that broke into John B's house.
Their faces hold the same smug expression, satisfied with the clear shock that overtakes my whole body. "We're not here for coffee." One of them says, his voice raspy and low.
My feet move backwards until my back hits the front of the counter. "I-I can't help you then." I shutter.
"Oh but you can," He smirks. "you can deliver a message to John B for us." I shake my head repeatedly, my chest heavy as I try to breathe. He grabs me by the arm, his fingertips digging painfully into my skin while the other finds my neck, choking me.
"And since words won't do it for them, maybe this will. "The other one says, nodding to his partner with a smirk. The guy releases me and before I have time to catch my breath, his hand slaps me across the face so hard that it sends me to the ground.
"Ugh." It takes me a few seconds for my sense to return, my head heavy with pain and my skin burning. He grabs me by the shirt, forcing me upwards only to bring his hand across my face again. I yell in pain, tears streaming down my face as the taste of blood fills my mouth. My eyes struggle to focus.
He stands straight, looking down at me. "P-Please stop." I beg but he stays unphased, kicking me right in the stomach. Pain spreads through my body, my knees coming to my chest as I cough violently. He kicks me again, and again, his boot finding my face at some point and I scream until there's no strength in me to make noise anymore. The tears won't stop and breathing gets harder by the second.
"Tell your friend that he better give us the compass or else he's next. "He pulls my head up by my hair causing me to whine in pain. He gives me one last evil smirk before slamming it back on the wooden floor and walking away without a second glance at my aching body, his partner following.
I sob violently at this point, trying to keep my head focused and my eyes open but they're getting heavier and heavier, the world starting to spin. I don't know how long I stayed on the floor in and out of consciousness but when I heard my name being yelled my eyes snapped open.
John B kneels by my side. "Oh my god Y/n, what happened?" He says, his voice full of panic. His hands' ghost over my body not knowing where to touch me as he scans the injuries.
I don't reply but a broken sob escapes me.
"It's okay, it's gonna be okay." He slides his hands carefully under my body, my face twitching with pain. He takes me in his arms and walks out of the cafe. "It's okay, you're safe, I got you." he murmurs against my head. He lays me down on the back seat of the twinkie before hopping in on the driver's seat. His hands move fast, his eyes wild, looking back at me every 2 seconds as he drives.
"What happened?" He whispers. "W-who did this?"
I keep my eyes close and try to control my breathing but the pain is too much. "T-those men" The words that leave my mouth are barely audible but he catches them.
His hands tighten around the wheel, before punching it. He looks back at me anger written all over his face, his eyes almost watering. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Y/n. It's all my fault."
"The compass.." I drag out, causing him to look back at me with wide eyes but everything fades again.
I feel his hands on me again. He takes me in his arms. "We're here." He whispers and I bury my face in his neck. I recognise his house immediately. He takes big steps almost running trying to hold me without causing me pain.
He reaches the house. "Guys!." he yells. "Help!"
"Oh my god, Y/n," Kie cries out rushing to us.
"What happened?" Pope tries to help John B carry me to the couch.
"Y/n." It's his voice that makes my eyes finally open and it's the look on his face when he sees me that hurts more that the pain in my body. A single sharp breath leaves his mouth before he's by my side as John B places me on the couch. I let out a small whine.
"What happened?" He whispers, dropping to his knees beside me. "What happened?!" He yells turning to John B who has his hands buried in his hair, pacing around the room. Kie appears back in the room with a first aid kit.
"Those men, the 2 men that broke in, jumped on her. " He answers.
"What?" Pope says. "Why would they do that to her? How do they even know her?"
"It's the boat, idiots." Kie angrily says passing some ice to JJ. "They saw us jumping inside it to escape them."
"Baby," JJ presses the ice to my cheek, with trembling hands. I can already feel different parts of my body brushing. His other hand comes to my head, brushing my hair back. "Baby, I'm sorry." He places his lips against my forehead. His lips tremble, and he shakes his head, eyes wide full of fear and anger. "You're gonna be okay, I'm here yeah? I'm not leaving you again." He whispers, his voice breaking.
Kie appears next to us. "Jay, let me take care of her." She touches his shoulder. "She needs help and rest."
JJ leaves one last kiss on the side of my face before getting up. "I'm gonna fucking kill them."I hear him growl before he and the boys move further into the house. Kie cleans up all my wounds and takes care of the cuts that I had on my face.
"Get some rest okay?" She smiles a sad smile at me.
"Thanks, Kie." I mumbled before drifting off.
. . . . . .
I shiver, the sudden cold air that hits my exposed skin forces my eyes open, waking me up from my slumber. The living room is dark, not a single person is here except me.
I try to lift my body into a seating position, and a sharp but lighter pain spreads around my stomach and back causing me to whine.
I hear a groan from my left and I turn to find JJ's sleeping body laying on the floor. His closed eyes twitch before opening. It takes a few seconds for him to react but when he sees me awake his body shoots up, hands stretching towards my body.
"Y/n," He breathes. "hey."
I rub my eyes with the back of my hands. "What time is it?"
"Um," His hands fumble with his phone. "It's almost 3 am. You fell asleep"
"Hmm," I hum, lifting myself into a seating position. "My parents-"
"Kiara texted them from your phone that you're gonna stay at hers tonight." He says. "Take it easy." He touches my back softly. A sad expression overtakes his face when he sees me struggling to straighten my back.
"Y/n.." He shakes his head and I know exactly what he's going to say.
"It's okay, it's fine." I reassure him. JJ tends to hold a lot of guilt inside. He thinks that he's responsible for anything that happens. It seems like he holds the weight of the world on his shoulders when there's really no need.
"No, it's not." He shakes his hand repeatedly. "It's not. I can't stand seeing you hurt because of me. You did nothing wrong, it shouldn't have happened like this." His eyes drop to his hands that are resting on my thighs.
"It's not your fault." I place my hand on top of his.
"But it is. We stole your boat to escape, they saw that. And then I acted like a dick refusing to tell you anything in order to protect you and keep you out of it when in the end it's you who got hurt." His voice is filled with guilt and anger.
"Protect me from what?" I scoff. "What's going on Jay?"
His eyes soften at the nickname but he stays quiet.
"Why don't you trust me?" I mumble, mostly to myself.
"I do trust you." He defends.
"Just not enough right?" I smile a little.
He closes his eyes. "Y/n, you know it's not like that. You know me."
"Apparently I don't JJ." I raise my tone a little. "I mean I thought I did, I wanted to. I was patient and I was understanding. I listened to you and I was there. As much as you would let me at least." I go on, and all the words that I was holding inside come rushing out. "The JJ I know would not talk to me like that, the JJ I know would not disappear for days, the JJ I know would not keep secrets from me."
"Y/n-" He tries to interrupt me.
"No, I get it, I know my place. " I hold a hand up between us. "I know we're not together but I care JJ. " I admit looking at him dead in the eye. His face falls at my words, jaw tightening. "I liked it when you would climb through my window and we would talk for hours about all the things you guys had done that day and I liked it when I would sneak out after midnight and go on bike rides with you. I liked how we would surf together or how we would lay on my rooftop, looking at the stars talking about all the things we want in life. You were the one that was pushing me to join you in all kinds of things, you would always tell me that I was a pogue deep down." Tears threaten to spill but I try to contain them.
"You were the one that pushed me away," He point a finger towards me. "Since day one, since the first day we fucked, you never wanted me."
"JJ," I lift my hands to my hair, struggling to control my anger. "I was trying to protect myself!"
"For what?" He shoots back, his frustration building as well.
"From you!" His shoulders fall. "I wanted you, I've always wanted you but I know you." I sigh, studying his beautiful, blue eyes that are piercing mine. "I know better than to let myself fall and believe that this is more than it is." I say quietly.
He tilts his head, his eyes never leaving mine. "I tried to stay away from you because I couldn't stand to hold you and know that you aren't mine. Every time I would look at your face, I would see nothing but walls. We would have sex and then you would go back to being cold and wanting to be as far away from me as possible and I honestly get it, people like me don't deserve people like you."
I shake my head in disbelief. "How can you say that?"
"Cause it's true." He chuckles sadly. "Look at you and look at me." He motions between us.
"Stop." I close my eyes, unable to stand the way he views himself, I wish he could see how extraordinary he actually is.
"Y/n, I know." His gaze hardens. "But when John B walked through that door with you almost unconscious in his arms. Your body and face brushed and beaten," He twitches his face as if the image brushes through his mind and physically hurts him. "I lost it. My heart dropped. Nothing mattered but making sure that you were okay and holding you in my arms. The thought that something like that had happened to you," He shakes his head, reaching to take my jaw in his hands gently. "I can't fucking stand it. And I swear to you that I will search the whole island for these motherfuckers and I'll fucking kill them for laying a finger on you." He leans forward, his forehead inches away from mine.
A small smile creeps on my lips at his words, my heart warming instantly.
"I'm sorry about what I said the other day, all I wanted was to protect you and I'm sorry for disappearing on you. I'm sorry about all the lying and the secrets and I'm sorry I can't be what you need and deserve." His eyes move all over my face while his thumbs move gently over my cheekbones.
I bite my lip. "JJ, you're all I want. You're more than enough." I say with my whole heart, wanting nothing more than for him to see himself the way I do. "You're the most incredible person I know and it hurts me that don't see it."
"I don't deserve you." He whispers, his lips ghosting over mine. His breath becomes my breath.
"Shut up." I smile crushing my lips to his. It doesn't take more than a second for him to react, moving his mouth against mine, inhaling sharply as if I'm oxygen. I let out a low moan as JJ's lips started nibbling at mine, demanding entrance that I'm all too happy to grant. It's ridiculous how much I've missed him, the taste of his lips is enough to make all the pain disappear. Everything fades away as our tongues collide, teasing and testing each other. My hands travel to his hair, tugging lightly while he holds my waist carefully. I push myself forwards, sucking on his bottom lip before capturing it between my teeth. I can feel him holding back, he digs his fingers into my skin and releases a sharp breath.
"Y/n," He lets out a low groan, breaking the kiss.
My frustration builds more with each second passing, wanting nothing more than to feel his hands on me. I need to feel him. "What?" I breathe out.
"Maybe.." His eyes fall to my swollen lips, his mouth opening. "Maybe we should take it slow, considering what you went through the last few hours."
I shake my head. "No, I want you." I inch forward wanting to taste him again but he doesn't let me.
"Princess, trust me I want nothing more than to throw you on the couch and fuck you senseless while you scream my name for everyone to hear." He tilts his head downwards, his words making my insides hot and causing my thighs to clench together, hoping for some relief. His eyes big and wild, hungrily staring back at mine while I let my hands explore and touch his face, brushing his hair back and down his neck. My burning desire for his touch has overtaken me completely, my stomach tightens just at the thought of all of the things we could do but I know that he's right, my body still feels beaten and heavy.
"You need to rest for tonight." He takes my jaw between his fingers.
"Will you stay with me?" I'm scared that the minute we leave each other, things will go back to how they were, and what I realised after tonight and after what happened is that I don't wanna be without him anymore. I don't want to be scared anymore cause you never know what will happen.
His face breaks into a soft smile. "Lay down."
His arms felt familiar yet foreign. Like I missed the feeling of falling asleep buried in his chest, his scent filling my senses but different like something's changed.
.
.
.
.
The book that I'm reading has been getting less and less interesting with each minute passing. Maybe it's the fact that it's 10:00 pm and I'm laying in my bed, reading on Saturday night, or the fact that he hasn't called me or even texted the whole day. It's been a few days since the incident at the cafe. After we woke up that day JJ drove me back home and explained pretty much everything, about The Royal Merchant, the compass that they found, and how it lead them to the tape recorder that Big John left for his son. I still can't believe some of the things that happened to them and what they discovered. He made me promise that I won't tell a soul, something I would have done even if he hadn't asked. I haven't seen him since, mostly cause my parents have been babying me none stop. I told them what happened at the cafe, twisted around a little the actual truth, and claimed that the 2 men tried to rob the cafe but JJ and John B showed up. I haven't gone to school or done anything in general for the past few days. I've been laying low and have recovered completely but my mind has been stuck on what JJ told me. Through the days I found myself wondering what they were doing and wishing I was with them.
A knock on my widow breaks me out of my thoughts. JJ sends me a small wave. My head snaps to my door, checking if it's closed before running to open the window. He quickly pushes his tall body through the small opening, stumbling a little in the process.
"Hi" he breathes out, standing up straight.
"Hi," I giggle "what are you doing here?" I scan him with my eyes making sure that he's okay and also taking in the sight of him that I've missed so much.
"I wanted to check up on you." He says, running his hands through his hair.
My hands are itching, wanted to reach in and touch him but I don't know if that is too much. Honestly, I don't know where we stand, all I know is that I've missed him.
His eyes move around my face while he tugs his bottom lip between his teeth. My eyes catch the movement. "Come here." He mutters before reaching forward and wrapping his arms around my waist. I bury my face into the curve of his neck, my eyes closing at the feeling of his embrace.
"I missed you." He speaks so quietly that I almost didn't catch it.
I tighten my arms around his neck, silently responding. I missed him too.
"I was worried about you." I say, pulling away slightly.
"About me?" He lifts his brows playfully. "Come on have a little faith in my survival skills princess."
I slap his shoulder lightly, trying to hide my smile. "What happened? Is everyone okay?"
"Yeah, everyone's fine." He brushes me off. "I'll tell you everything but first.." He cups my jaw with his hands and presses his lips to mine. I let out a surprised sound that dies in my throat before moving my lips against his, responding. I feel him smile into the kiss and he opens his mouth slightly, allowing my tongue to slide inside. He hums as our tongues play with each other, letting his hands fall to my waist. He pulls my body closer to his, forcing me to my tiptoes while the kiss gets heavier. The sound of our lips and our heavy breathing fills the room.
"My parents will hear us." I breathe out.
"I don't care." He attacks my lips again, backing me slowly until the back of my knees hit my bed. He breaks the kiss and gives me a light push causing me to fall on the bed. He stares down at me with a smirk slowly dropping his hands to the bottom of his shirt and peeling it off his body. My eyes take him in, his chest and abs on full display. I bite my lip wanting nothing more than to reach out and touch him. He leans down, wrapping his hands around my neck, forcing my head upwards to look at him.
"Don't look at me like that." He drawls out.
I relax my face, staring at him through my lashes. "Like what?"
He pushes me down completely, my back flat against the bed while his legs are spread on each side of my hips.
He gives me a light slap on the cheek but it's enough to make my back arch and my thighs to clench together. "Don't test me, princess, 'cause I don't give a shit about your parents being just across the hall."
My hands find the bottom of my own shirt, pulling it over my head. "I don't give a shit either."
"Fuck." He dives right into my chest, his mouth nibbling and sucking on my exposed skin. My hands go to his hair instantly, guiding him to my breasts. He wastes no time, unclipping my bra and taking one of my nipples in his mouth.
"Mhh," I moan as he circles his tongue around the hardening nub. His hands hold my hips down when I try to find some relief by grinding my hips to his. His lips travel farther down teasingly, dragging his tongue over my stomach and stopping at the top of my pajama pants. His eyes shoot up, the light and hunger in them challenging me. His fingers toy with the fabric, pulling it down slowly, not breaking eye contact while I lift my hips, allowing him to fully take it off. He straightens up, his hands fumbling with his belt with his eyes glued to my panties. His breathing hardens when I open my thighs exposing myself to him.
"You have no idea how I missed you." He groans, pulling his pants down.
I blink at him with a small smile. "How much?"
His eyes darken, looking down at my figure hard. " Let me show you." He pulls me by the thighs to the edge of the bed and kneels down right in front of my core. I inhaled sharply as he wastes no time ripping my panties off of me. His eyes beamed with hunger, taking in the sight of me. He lowers himself just a little, his hot breath fanning my bare pussy causing shivers to spread through my body. He looks up, eyes narrowing playfully using the tip of his tongue to deliver a soft flick over my clit. My legs twitch slightly, which causes him to smile.
"Stay still princess." He pins my hips down again and drags his tongue over my slit. He groans against me, the vibration shooting through me while he wastes no time diving in and moving his tongue at a faster pace. Heat explodes through my veins, my toes curling at the feeling of his wet muscle absolutely devouring me with no hesitation. He sucks and nibbles, drawing and flickering against my sensitive nerves as I whimper shamelessly underneath him. My hand shoots to his hair, head falling back and my back arching when I feel not one but two fingers slotting into my entrance.
"Oh my god, Jay." I rasp out, my palm covering my mouth.
His fingers start moving violently fast inside me, filling the room with pornographic wet sounds as the heat on my lower stomach builds embarrassingly fast. "Fuck baby, you're so wet." He groans against me before moving his thumb to cover my clit, rubbing circles in a fast motion.
His mouth attaches to my neck, taking the soft skin between his lips. "I want you to come on my fingers baby can you do that for me?" He whispers in my ear.
My body lifts off the mattress, feeling myself climbing higher and higher. "I-I'm gonna-" The words die in my throat as a giant wave of unexpected pleasure crashes over me, my eyes roll all the way back to my head, my mind going completely numb as his fingers keep up the pace allowing me to ride it out.
"That's it, baby," He mumbles against my neck. I close my eyes, still feeling the tingling sensation lingering in my belly. He pulls his fingers out, the aftermath of my orgasm dripping to his palm. He wraps his swollen lips around them, testing me while piercing me with his blue eyes.
He moans lightly. "The taste of you is incredible."
"Can I have a taste?" I nod down to his visibly hard member, that's fighting against the fabric of his boxers as he straightens his back, towering over me. My mouth watering at the thought, hands inching to fill the weight of his throbbing cock against them.
A low chuckle escapes him. "I would die to feel those pretty lips around my dick," He takes my jaw between his fingers. "But there's something I want more right now." He captures his bottom lip between his teeth, reaching to pull his boxers down. His dick shoots up free hitting his stomach, my eyes flicker to the tip, red and swollen with drops of precum coating it already. He pulls the drawer of my nightstand open, grabs a condom from the ones that he left a few weeks back, and quickly rolls it over his dick. He takes both of my wrists in his hands before I have any time to touch him and slams me back down on the bed.
He pins my hands over my head. "Your hands stay there."
I nod, trying to stop the grin of excitement that's forming on my lips. The feeling of need and frustration that only he can make me feel and that I've missed so much overtakes me as he lines his dick in my entrance. His tip brushes over my clit, opening my folds before pushing in slowly. His forehead falls on mine and we both gasp as he fills me up entirely.
"Shit, princess." He hisses when I nod my head and give him the green light to move which he wastes no time doing. He pulls out all the way before slamming back in, filling me up again with such a powerful push that it causes me to gasp out loud. His hips find a rhythm in no time, attacking me with sharp, deep thrusts that make my breasts bounce almost painfully. His forceful movements draw all kinds of sounds out of me while everything begins to fade. My ears fill with the sound of my own heartbeat and his low moans and grunts as he pushes in and out of me, stretching me out with the size of his cock. I fight to keep my eyes open, only being able to focus on his beautiful face, that's overtaken by a mesmerizing fucked out expression. His eyebrows are drawn together, drops of sweat coating his forehead while his mouth hangs slightly open. He looks breathtaking as he fucks me senseless, reminding me with each thrust that in reality, he's all I want. His hands reach for the back of my right thigh, lifting it a little gaining access to a better angle that allows him to thrust deeper. My eyes roll back, unable to contain the pleasure that shoots from my core, my hands fly to his back, nails dining to the soft flesh, earning a deep grunt from him.
"You're doing so well baby, look at you taking my dick like a good girl." He grabs my neck with his free hands, his pace quickening making the knot in my stomach tighten. I dig my nails deeper, hands tugging his hair while both of our bodies dripping with sweat but I don't care about anything except my second orgasm that approaches.
"Are you gonna come for me again princess?" He teases me, feeling my walls tighten against him. "Tell me how good it feels, and maybe I'll let you come." He demands, tilting his head downwards and tightening his grip around my neck.
I can feel my wall throbbing, tightening painfully around his dick trying to keep him inside as heat begins to spread in my belly. "It feels so good Jay, so fucking good please baby don't stop." My dignity dissolves as tears start to form at the corners of my eyes.
"Tell me I'm the only one you want." His thrusts being to get sloppy, signalling that his own high is approaching. His eyes are wild, and everything starts to feel overwhelming.
"Y-you're the only one, I only want you." I confess, my tone desperate and begging.
He connects our foreheads again, hand dropping to my clit and with a single flick of his finger, I'm over the edge. My back arches, black spots fill my vision, and an almost euphoric feeling pulses through my veins. My brain and body are overtaken with pleasure and I keep my eyes shut as JJ's orgasm hits him just as hard.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck." He buries his face in the curve of my neck, letting his low groans fill my ear. I let him ride it out, ignoring the over-sensitivity that I start to feel. His body freezes for a few seconds as he releases into the condom before collapsing on top of me. I feel his heart drumming in his chest while he tries to control his breathing. I'm still in a state of bliss, ears still ringing and heart still beating fast. We stay like this for a good minute, our sweaty bodies touching and our fast breathing filling the air until he decides to lift himself off me and fall to the side.
Silence overtakes us, letting everything that just happened sink in. He pops himself on his elbow, head resting on his hand as he looks down at me with soft eyes. His hair going in every possible direction, his lips swollen and his neck covered in marks I don't remember making.
I smile at the sight of him.
"What?" His breathing is still uneven.
"You're pretty." I think out loud.
His eyes shift, lips curving upwards. "I love you, Y/n."
The raw emotion is visible as he speaks the words, causing my heart to stop for a split second. The words I desperately wanted to hear and desperately wanted to say for so long. The skin of my cheeks tingled but I say nothing, still processing what he just said.
His face breaks into a smile, unphased by my silence. "Fuck, I wanted to say that for so long." He lets out a breath of relief, pushing his hair back.
I've dreamt about this moment, never actually believing that it'll happen, thinking that just a hookup was all that I would ever be for JJ.
I stare deep into his ocean eyes. "I love you too JJ." I speak the easiest truth I've ever had to say out loud.
His smile grows more, overtaking his whole face and causing his eyes to almost close. I reach over throwing a hand around his neck and kissing him like I've never had before. We both smile into the kiss and giggles fill the air.
"I'm in love with you." He says again, against my lips.
His phone interrupts our moment before I have the chance to say it back again.
He sighs, reaching towards the floor to retrieve it from the pocket of his pants.
"What?" He picks up, keeping his eyes on me. His face drops, eyebrows coming together. "Slow down, slow down." His gaze shifts and I lift myself to a seating position, quickly throwing my shirt on. "Okay, I'm coming got it." His body almost bounces as he paces back and forth, his free hand moving fanatically until he stops right in front of me, ending the call.
His eyes light up and a challenging smile tugs at his lips.
"What?" I ask, completely lost.
"Wanna join me on a treasure hunt princess?" He grins.
"What do you mean?" My face twitches with confusion.
"John B needs me, they found something." He begins to get dressed.
"And what? You want me to join you guys?" I can't help the excitement that spreads over my face. "What do you mean?"
"The guys are waiting for us at Kie's place." He stands up straight, all dressed and ready with his hands resting on his hips. "That's the reason I came here." He bites his bottom lip, trying to contain his smile. "To get you. They guys are okay with it, especially with everything happening with Sarah and John B. " He waves his hands around.
I frown." What's going on with Sara and John B?"
He shakes his head, reaching for my waist. "I'll explain on the way. Are you in or not?"
I look into his eyes, the deepest shade of blue I've ever seen. The eyes that I've fallen so hard for and I would do anything for. The eyes that are now silently inviting me, challenging me, and making my heart beat faster. All my life I wanted nothing more than to be like them, to feel what it's like to live life their way, and even though what happened was the scariest thing I've ever experienced I can't help but give him a small nod.
His teeth make an appearance before he takes my face in his hands, planting a kiss on my lips. "Get dressed then baby, the gold is waiting." He smirks.
I smile against his lips. I guess my mom was right; the choice is pretty easy if you follow your heart.
WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self harm, eating disorders etc.. mentions of blood, swearing, smoking, smut [ dirty talk, oral; giving and receiving, chocking, spanking, praising, degradation, pet names, sometimes Minho is a dick :)
SUMMARY: "Do you remember what you told me the first time we met?"
"What?"
"You said; Always leave people a little better than you found them" he looked at the floor with a small smile for a few seconds and then his eyes found mine. "You really annoyed me when we first met. I envied your optimism and excitement for life. But each time I saw you, I felt a certain thrill. You made me angry, you made me laugh., you made me feel everything. Something about you made me feel a little more alive each time. I know I fucked up and I know I'm an asshole but I'm also brutally in love with you."
I woke up with one of the worst headaches I've ever had. The events of last night a bit blurry in my head. I groan and search under the covers for my phone. I have 5 missed calls and 12 messages from Chan, a few messages from our group chat, and a missed call from Emma. Last night, after the fight with Minho I got an uber and went straight home, without saying goodbye to anyone. Now I silently curse myself that I didn't. Chan was supposed to take me and Emma home so I decide to go and check if Emma is in her room. I pull myself out of the comfort of my bed and walk across the hall.
"Em?" I gently knock on her door. After a few seconds of silence, I push her door open only to see her bed perfectly made with random pieces of clothing on it and a few shoes thrown around the room which means that she didn't come home last night. I immediately start to panic, Emma isn't the type to sleep around. I dial her number and after 3 rings she picks up.
"What the fuck y/n, you scared the shit out of me. Why did you leave like that? What happened? Where are you?" Her voice is filled with worry.
"I could ask you the same thing. I'm home, where are you?"
"I'm still at the frat house, I slept here last night." She says and I can feel her shyness through the phone.
"Em, who did you fuck?" I giggle.
"Y/N!" She squeals.
"Get your ass over here, we need to talk"
"Do you wanna meet at the cafe near the frat? We need to practice anyway, so we can go straight to the dance studio after."
"Yeah, okay I'll be there in about half an hour. " I say and hang up.
I walk to our shared bathroom and stare at my reflection in the mirror. My makeup from last night is still on, well kinda. I cried so much last night that my eyeliner has spread all over my eyes and down to my cheeks. Last night was too much. It was something that I didn't really want to deal with ever again, seeing him and putting myself in a situation to relive all these bad memories I have with him. I was really grateful for Minho, in a way. I still can't believe that it was him that night. I honestly thought that I would never see that person again. Our conversation that night stayed with me for a long time after. The advice that I was giving him was one that I never seemed to follow, it was a reminder though. I kept the words I said to him in the back of my head to remind me that; I control my life and I can change it any time I want. Which is easier said than done when I find such comfort in the struggles of my life. They become excuses for me to not even try anything better. I shake my head and remove my clothes. I take a quick shower, throw on a pair of jeans and a hoodie, grab my dance bag and make my way out the door. As I walk towards the frat, I decide to call Chan back. I know that he's probably worried just as much as Emma was but honestly, I'm a little nervous to talk to him after everything that happened last night. I don't know if Minho said anything to him or not but either way I can feel my heart racing as I wait for him to pick up.
"You're dead” His voice sends chills down my body, even through the phone.
"Okay let me explain."
"Do you know how worried I was? I can't have a single night of fun without worrying about your ass. What the hell happened?" He sounds genuinely annoyed to the point that it makes me feel bad cause it's true, Chan's always there. He's there for me at every party, taking care of me, taking me home when I'm drunk, and making sure I don't do anything I'll regret the next day. Which is hard.
"I know Chan, I'm sorry" I sigh. "I'll explain everything, are you at the frat?"
"No, I'm at the studio with the guys, why?" I inhale a sharp breath cause I know that being in the studio means that Minho's probably with him.
"I'm going for a coffee with Em, near the frat. She said she stayed over yesterday."
"Yeah" He laughs "She will tell you everything herself, I don't wanna spoil anything"
"How long will you be at the studio?" I nervously ask.
"I don't know. Tell me what happened now."
I take a breath, getting ready to lie to my best friend once again. "I just didn't feel well and everyone was having such a good time that I didn't wanna bother anyone, so I just took an uber home"
"Cut the bullshit Y/n." He brushes my lie off. "Did Minho say anything to you?" At that, I stop walking.
"What? Why would you ask that?"
"He left without saying anything as well and today when I came to the studio, he kept asking me about you" He casually says and my hand that's holding the phone begins to sweat.
"What was he asking you about?" I try to sound unbothered.
"Just random stuff but I found it weird cause I thought that the only interaction you guys had was when you met the guys, which did not go well. Obviously, that's not true so tell me what the fuck happened." He demands again. For a second I consider telling him the truth. That a saw Jackson and everything that happened with Minho afterwards cause Chan is my best friend and I can't really lie to him. We tell each other everything. Well, almost everything. The reality of my relationship with Jackson was something that none knew besides me and him. It's something that I wanna forget, a piece of myself that I don't want anyone to see. I'm ashamed of it. But the more I burn it deep inside me the more it's eating me alive. What was happening for almost a year, took a toll on me. It changed me into a person that I never wanted to be. And now here I am, trying desperately to keep up with the image of myself that my friends and family know and love. Hiding the truth about my childhood and my relationship, and fighting to be the person that I dreamt of becoming. Someone with no trauma, weaknesses, or mental issues. Someone who smiles at every situation and a not a burden to be around. I knew it was a matter of time before all my secrets catch up with me and I know that Minho knowing is only the beginning. I need to take control of the situation. Chan seems clueless about Jackson and that takes a bit of my anxiety away but the fact that Minho was asking about me does not calm down my nerves at all.
"Um, nothing we just bumped into each other when he was looking for the bathroom. He was acting like a complete dick, what's his deal?" I try to push the conversation into Minho.
"He's not a dick. Really." Chan emphasizes the word "He's just.." He trails off searching for the right word.
"A dick." I laugh.
"He's complicated. Don't be quick to judge him."
"Whatever" I roll my eyes. "Listen I really wanna talk to you more but I have to go now, we'll talk later. " I say spotting Emma at our usual table.
"Wait, do you maybe wanna meet tonight? Watch a movie or something?"
"I can't Channie, I have dance practice tonight. Maybe tomorrow?" I offer. Me and Chan used to spend almost every day together but that has changed in the last few months and I have none to blame but myself.
"Um, yeah sure." He mumbles, disappointed at my answer.
"I have to go now, bye ." I hang up and make my way toward Emma.
I pop to the seat across from her. " Tell me everything"
Apparently, Emma ended up hooking up with Seungmin. The moment the words left her mouth, I borderline screamed. She said that they were talking all night long about themselves, life, and other deep shit, and then after a few hours of just talking he finally made a move. It didn't take them long to take it upstairs and they ended up having sex in Chan's room.
"Oh my god, I can't imagine the look on Chan's face when he opened the door" I cover my mouth with my hand, laughing.
"I felt so embarrassed" Emma shakes her head, blushing at the memory.
"Hold up, where did Chan sleep?"
"With Felix" She shrugs.
"Why didn't you guys go back to his place?" I ask taking a sip of my coffee.
"He lives with Changbin, Jisung, Minho, and a guy called Jeongin, which I already know cause we have some classes together."
"There are 5 guys in one apartment?" I scrunch my nose in disgust.
"It's a 2-floor apartment. Apparently, Seungmin's parents are loaded" She lifts her brows for emphasis. "The guys pay half of the actual rent."
"Damn, you should definitely date him" I giggle.
"Stop" She reached to slap my shoulder over the table, which I easily avoid.
"We've been texting nonstop today." She says, blushing.
"Oh." I wiggle my eyebrows at her.
"And he invited me to a party that they're throwing next weekend" She can't stop smiling and that warms my heart. I haven't seen Emma that excited about a guy in so long.
"I mean, you're definitely going"
"You mean, WE are definitely going" She corrects me.
"I'm not in the mood to be a third wheel, thank you very much" I smile at her.
"No, I'm not talking only about you and me" She shakes her head." All of us are invited"
"All of us you mean-"
"Me, you, Hyunjin, and Felix. We all got along so well. Me and Seungmin are not the only ones that started talking." She smiles.
That's just great. If everyone starts hanging out with each other, avoiding Minho will be impossible. I can't believe that the guy that I've been looking for for the past year is now someone I desperately wanna avoid but I can't risk Minho telling Chan anything. I could try and talk to him I guess but I really don't think that he'll care. I'm hoping that he'll just let it go and stay out of it.
"I'm not really in the mood for another party." I try to turn her down politely.
"Y/n, you're coming." She says in a serious voice "You've been locked away in your room for weeks. You won't talk to anyone, you won't go out. What's happening? I'm concerned" Her eyes are filled with worry.
"I'm just not really well mentally. I'm exhausted and I'm stressed with college." I try to brush it off.
"Y/n, mental health is really important and yours has been up and down since I met you. But this 'down' has lasted too long and it's really making me worry" Her hand softly touches mine.
"I know I just- I will get through it, you don't need to worry" I offer her yet another fake smile for reassurance, like the one I've been offering myself as well.
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Dance is my life. I've been dancing since I was 6 and somehow growing up I knew that, that's what I was meant to do with my life. While I was in high school I was the best dancer in my studio, but when I got into college I came to realize that I'm only as good as a hundred other dancers here. Hyunjin and Felix are 2 of the best dancers in our year and being friends with them has really helped me. We always practice together and they're always there to help me out. I was supposed to practice with Emma all night long some hard combinations for our class on Friday but around 10 Emma left, claiming she was tired. I decided to stay a bit longer. Late-night practices have lately become a part of my everyday routine. It's a way for me to clear my mind and just let go. For those hours that I'm dancing, the voices in my head disappear. I'm alone in the dance room, just me and the music. None to compare myself to and no teacher to correct my every move. It's the only time of the day that I feel peaceful. Today, however, I'm everything but that. I can't seem to get everything that happened out of my mind and I also can't seem to get any of the steps right. Extremely frustrated at this point, I take a step back and start from the top but it's not long until I step a bit too quickly into one of my turns causing me to lose my balance and stumble backward.
"You're not counting" A voice suddenly says from behind me. I look up into the mirror to see Minho resting against the door with his hands crossed. "You're not counting slow enough. You hurry into the turn, that's why you're losing your balance." He continues when I don't say anything.
"What are you doing here?" I reach for my phone to turn the music off and then turn to face him.
He stares at me, almost as if I caught him off guard. "I was on my way home"
"The studio is on the other side of the campus Minho" I mirror his position, crossing my hands. "Are you stalking me or something?"
A laugh escapes him at my accusation, taking a few steps into the room. "Don't flatter yourself darling" He shakes his head, still smiling. I narrow my eyes at the nickname. I take a moment to look at him, finally under normal light. He's taller than I remember and his shoulders are wide. I can only see the outline of his body through his white shirt and grey sweatpants but I can tell that he's definitely someone who works out. I drag my eyes higher, over his chest that rises and falls at a quicker pace than normal like he's out of breath. I look at his face. Full lips, big brown eyes, and dark messy hair that's sticking into his sweaty forehead. His cheeks look like they're on fire and his jaw is tensed. A big, black bag hanging from his shoulder. I take one last look at his appearance before speaking.
"What are you doing at the dance building?" I ask again. "Were you dancing?" He's definitely dressed like a dancer.
He doesn't respond immediately. Instead, he wets his lips with his tongue and tilts his head a bit, his eyes still on me. There's something about his gaze that makes me feel intimidated. We've only seen each other 3 times and in each one of them, I've struggled to hold eye contact. His eyes are calm and completely unreadable but somehow piercing and intense. His eyes are beautiful.
"Are you not going to answer me?" I press after a few seconds of silence.
He smirks."You seem annoyed. Bad day?"
And just like that everything beautiful about him disappears and my frustration grows. His irony is something that I don't really wanna deal with right now, I would rather be alone. "Yes, today has actually been a really shitty day and your presence isn't making it better" My voice is flat.
"Really? Most people find my company quite enjoyable"
"Right, 'cause you seem like such a joy to be around." I sarcastically say.
His eyes light up slightly, at my clear annoyance. " I could say the same thing."
"You don't know me" I spit through my teeth.
"And you know me?" He snaps back without hesitation.
I take a few seconds to breathe. My chest feels heavy and the all-too-familiar knot in my stomach is tighter than ever. I've been feeling like I'm walking around the edges of a cliff for so long now, desperately trying to keep myself from falling. I need to be alone right now. "Minho, please leave, I want to be alone" I run my hands along my face and through my hair.
"It's okay you can dance in front of me, don't be shy, it looks like you could use the extra help anyway." His lips twitch with suppressed amusement.
"The last thing I wanna do is to dance in front of you and give you another reason to make fun of me. And I don't need any extra help, especially from someone that doesn't know shit about dancing." My voice comes out harsher and louder than I intended.
Minho's small smile drops and I notice the slight shift in his eyes. "I wouldn't make fun of you, As a dancer myself, I've known to respect someone else's effort and passion. " He says in a steady voice.
I pause a bit. What? "But you're studying-"
"I've been dancing since I was 4. It has been my passion for as long as I remember" He cuts me off. "But things change. People change" His eyes soften for only a second as he speaks the last words and then for the first time since he walked into the room his gaze leaves my face and travels the floor and then to the stereo in the corner of the room.
Silence takes over the room and the feeling of guilt grows in me.
"What made you change your mind about dancing?" I question lowly, trying to turn the conversation around and gather any information out of him because for some reason, I'm curious.
His eyes snap to mine as if he wasn't expecting me to press on the matter. "That's not any of your business" He repeats the words I said to him yesterday.
"As you wish" I sigh. "Could you please leave now? I need to practice" I lower the lights a bit and then reach for my phone to restart the music.
"You dance with the lights like that?' He's staring at me. His face is hard, jaw set.
"Mostly, yeah. It makes me feel more comfortable. There're no blinds in this room and people walk by all the time. I feel safer dancing like this"
The loud noise of his bag hitting the ground echoes through the quiet room. I flinch slightly at the sound and lift my eyes from my phone to see him walking towards me. He grabs my phone and presses play to the first song on the playlist that I happened to be scrolling through. He then drops the phone on my bag, turns around, and begins to walk backwards.
His eyes meet mine through the mirror. "Dance for me" His words send chills down my spine. My body doesn't move an inch, his tone and gaze making me freeze.
"I can't. " You confess after a few seconds.
"You're a dancer, and you can't dance?" His lips twitched with amusement once again.
"I'm stuck." My eyes drop to my feet. Minho's words hit me hard, they burn. 'You're a dancer', I smile to myself.
"Dancers get stuck all the time. Listen to the music, let go and dance." Minho's eyes seem softer under the dimmed light of the room and his body stiff as if he's desperately trying to control it, stopping it from moving to the music. I miss that.
"You don't understand" I shake my head. "Everything in my head is stuck, I can't dance" I swallow hard.
He cocks his head. "What do you mean? You're-"
"Yes, I'm a dancer. I am and I'm not. My feet move, they follow the steps, the perform the routines. I keep my legs straight, my toes pointed, arms light and gentle. I try to keep my smile bright and my back straight. I do everything. Yes, I'm a dancer. But I haven't danced in so long. It's like the music doesn't reach my heart anymore, my body moves mechanically and my head is always counting. I don't feel the moves, I can't dance unless it's an already choreographed piece, unless I have to perform, unless I have to be perfect for a class. I don't really see the point in trying anymore. It's not like I'll ever make it professionally." The words pour out of my mouth without my control and I feel like all the suppressed emotions and fears that I've been bottling up and keeping to myself about my future in dance are coming out. My eyes start to burn as I desperately try to control my tears. Every time I meet this man, I somehow end up like that.
"I see people like Hyunjin and Felix, and they're made for this. You can see the passion in their eyes as they dance, even if it's a small piece in class. They put everything they have into it. They dance with their heart. I miss that, so much and I feel like there's nothing I can do to fix it." I'm out of breath by the time I finish talking. And the realization that I just voiced all of this in front of Minho hits me hard. I look up at him, his eyes were clouded and his lips almost frowned. I turn away immediately. The last thing I want is people pitting me, especially him. I quickly grab my stuff and walk past him. He calls my name a few times, but I'm out of the door before he has any time to say anything else.
It's 1.30 am when I open the door of my apartment. All the lights are closed except the light in the hallway that we always leave on. A sigh of relief leaves my lips, knowing Emma is asleep. I left the studio, around 11 pm but I was so emotionally charged that I decided to take a walk instead of going straight home. Listening to music and walking around aimlessly always helps me relax. I think about a million things and nothing at the same time. I think about dance. I think about Jackson. I think about all the people that I call my friends and love more than myself but fill them with lies. So many lies about everything. The person that they call their friend; is that even me? Does anyone actually know me? At that, I probably laughed at loud. I don't even know myself, but that doesn't comfort me. I still feel like the fakest person alive. I think about Minho. I think about how rude he was the first time we met. I think about how he helped me and then how he reacted when he found out I was one of the hundreds of women that have been abused and lied to by a person they loved. Or think they loved. He called me stupid, and maybe he was right. In his eyes right now I probably seem stupid and weak, and after tonight I seem useless as well. I'm fine with it. I'm fine with Minho thinking so low of me, cause frankly, he's not anyone important to me. But the thought of everyone else thinking that way about me makes my stomach turn. Maybe that's the reason I feel so comfortable sharing so much, cause he's a stranger. With him, I don't feel the need to pretend to be someone else or cover up anything. Maybe it's the fact that he already knows or maybe I see it as a clean start considering that he doesn't really know me, either way for some reason I tend to overshare whenever I see him. As soon as I step into the shower, every muscle in my body relaxes instantly, and I stay under the hot water until it turns cold. I slipped into a huge T-shirt that I'd stolen from Chan and climb under the covers. Sleep doesn't come easily to me that night.
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"What's up with you?" Hyunjin sits down next to me as I take off my shoes. I woke up 30 minutes before class and basically ran to the studio. My head was all over the place throughout the whole class and Mrs. Martin corrected me about 5 times. I don't really take corrections and criticism lightly. It's hard being a perfectionist when you're the furthest thing from perfect.
"What do you mean?" I say avoiding his eyes.
"Come on y/n." he laughs "You were off throughout the whole class, where's your head at?"
I throw my shoes in my bag, frustrated. Frustrated with myself, with my dancing skills, and with fucking Minho who's the reason I stayed up last night and didn't wake up in time. "I just didn't sleep last night, and I have a terrible headache" I mumble.
Hyunjin runs a hand through his freshly dyed blond hair and sighs. "You know you can always come to me for help, yeah?" He softly says and I know he means it in more ways than one. I've gotten really close with Hyunjin, even though I know him for only 2 years. Both he and Felix have been amazing friends to both me and Emma and I'm honestly so grateful to have people like them by my side.
"And me" Felix sits down beside me, bumping his shoulder into mine. His bright smile is enough to make my day a little better already.
"Maybe we can meet and practice together one of those days. We haven't done that in a while" Hyunjin offers. He lifts himself off of the ground and adjusts his bag on his shoulder. Me, Hyunjin, and Felix used to meet every week, sometimes twice to rehearse together. I guess you can call me lucky that 2 of my best friends are 2 of the best dancers in our class. I always feel safe dancing with them, it gave me room to get better, without feeling judged.
Felix's eyes spark with excitement. "Oh my god, we haven't done that in so long, I've missed it. I've missed us hanging out together." Sadness takes over his voice as we make our way out of the dance room. My heart tightens at the way he spoke. Felix must be one of my favorite humans ever. I haven't met a purest soul than Felix's. He's incredibly kind and thoughtful, always thinking of others first and always with a smile on his face, trying to help as much as he can whenever he can, no matter what. Chan and Felix have been friends since High School. They're incredibly close and Chan's very protective of him. Well, chan's very protective in general.
"Yes, sure we can do that" I end up saying with a smile on my face. "Just not tonight 'cause I promised chan to hang out."
"It's fine, I have plans tonight anyways." Hyunjin shrugs.
"Oh, what are you doing?" I question casually as we exit our building.
"I'll meet up with Jisoo and then I'll go for lunch with Em and Seungmin." Hyunjin says while scrolling through his phone.
"What?" I say dumbfounded. They're already hanging out altogether?
"Yeah." Hyunjin doesn't seem to notice my reaction, instead, his long fingers type something on his phone incredibly fast before speaking again.
"Anyway, I have to go 'cause I really need to shower and I only have half an hour." He swiftly kisses my forehead. "Bye." he yells as he's basically running to his car.
"He's so fucking smitten with her" Felix laughs.
"Yeah, I can see that" I nod smiling.
"Anyway," Felix focuses his gaze back on me. "If you want we can do something together." He says
I shake my head "No it's fine. I haven't hung out with Chan in a while, plus I really feel like going to the studio. It really calms me down"
Felix's eyes soften "Yeah, I know."
"But don't worry, I'll make some time for you in my super busy schedule sometime this week" I joke and my hand comes up to riffle his hair.
His face breaks into a smile. "I hope so."
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After a quick shower and a change of clothes, I make my way to the other side of the campus where the studio is. Chan will probably be working late tonight but I don't really have a problem keeping him company since I don't have any classes tomorrow. Plus I love spending time at the studio. I walk through the familiar hallways and stop when I reach the studio door. I lift my hand to knock but before I have the chance, the door opens wide.
"Holy shit!" Jisung flinches backwards and I try my best not to laugh in his face. "You scared the shit out of me" He places a hand over his chest.
"I'm sorry Jisung." I giggle, touching his shoulder apologetically, and walk past him, inside the studio. Chan is sitting on the couch, laptop on his legs, and headphones on.
I walk behind the couch and take them off. "Hi."
His head snaps upwards, and his features relax instantly when he sees it's me. "Hey, there best friend." He smiles at me and pulls me by my hand to sit beside him on the couch.
"What are you doing?" I move closer to him, looking at his laptop screen.
"Just working on some sounds, writing some lyrics. You know, the usual." He sighs, focusing back on what he was working on.
"Did you guys record the song you were talking about?"
"Not entirely. We've recorded Seungmin's and Jisung's parts. We've been a bit stuck on the lyrics actually." He grabs his notebook from the coffee table beside him and passes it to me. " I was hoping you could help a bit. This is what we've got so far."
I take the notebook in my hands and silently read the lyrics. Chan has a way with words like none else I've ever seen. Every time I read something he has written or he plays me songs he's working on, I'm reminded of just how talented he is.
"Chan, that's really good." I honestly say.
A hint of color appears on his cheeks. "Yeah?" He tries to hide his smile.
"Like you don't know that everything you write is fucking amazing" I push at his shoulder.
His smile grows. "That's not true"
He starts playing me all the recorded parts and I have to say, all of the guys are really good, their voices blend so well together. We spent the next 2 hours working on some of the lyrics, playing around with the music, and recording some of Jisung's and Chan's parts. Currently, Chan has gone to the bathroom and I'm on the couch with Jisung. We were supposed to continue working on the lyrics but we started talking and now I'm laughing harder than I've laughed in weeks at stories he's telling me about living with the guys.
"Oh my god, stop, my stomach hurts from laughing" I manage to say through my laughter.
"I swear, he ran around the block in his underwear, it was priceless." He shakes his head at the memory.
"You guys seem so fun."
"You should definitely come on Saturday, so you can see just how fun we are when we're drunk." He smiles. What I've noticed in the short time I've known Jisung, is that he's such a bright person. He's really easy to talk to and tries his best to make you feel comfortable. Bright eyes, and a bright smile, I enjoy being around him. He has a lot of similar qualities to Felix, they would get along well.
"I don't know," I rest my head on the back of the couch trying to catch my breath. My jaw honestly hurts from laughing. "I'm usually a really outgoing person but my social anxiety has been pretty bad lately."
"I get it," He shrugs smiling "I'm also really struggling with anxiety. Have been for years now."
"Really?" He seems so open and sociable that I would've never imagined that he's struggling with something like that.
He shakes his head, laughing. "I'm really shy and I get anxiety over every little thing." He honestly says. "I'm thankful to have people around me that you know, push me out of my comfort zone and help me get over it." My mind trails back to the conversation I had with chan the other day when he told me that Jisung and Minho are really close, and suddenly I'm curious about their relationship but I suppress it. I don't wanna seem noisy.
"Okay, I'll come," I say after a few seconds. "But I'm just letting you know that I'm going to be glued to your side the whole night." I point my finger at him.
A huge smile takes over his face making his eyes disappear. "No problem kid" He ruffles my hair.
"What are you doing here?" Minho's voice interrupts our moment. He's standing by the door, phone in his hand, dressed in black jeans and a simple white shirt that's a bit big on him. His face filled with confusion. I froze a bit not really expecting to see him here and after what happened the last time I saw him I can't stop the embarrassment that rushes through me. I didn't really think about the possibility of him showing up here, but of course, I'm at the studio where he and his friends are working on their music. Stupid.
"She's helping us with the song," Jisung speaks up and I'm grateful for it. "Chan called her."
Minho focuses back on his phone and walks to sit on the chair, facing us. He doesn't seem to share the same uncomfortable feeling I feel towards him but then again he didn't really do anything. I was the one that whined about my problems out of the blue, to a person that I hardly know and hardly cares. But still, the way his face holds the most unbothered expression that I've ever seen bothers me for some reason.
'Why does she knows about music?" He snorts.
"Do you always have to be so rude?" I glare at him.
"It's part of my charm" He smiles, only for a second, and then his face drops again.
I narrow my eyes at him "Oh please-"
"Okay, let's get back into it" Chan enters the room, interrupting me. His eyes fall on Minho, whose eyes are still on me. His face is a mixture of amusement and annoyance if that's even possible and I stare back at him, not breaking eye contact.
"Minho, " Chan pauses. "I thought you weren't coming today. "He sits back on the couch beside me.
"I didn't have anything better to do," Minho shrugs. "and Jisung told me you working on the song." He puts his phone in his pocket and leans forward.
Chan throws the notebook on the table. "This is what we have so far."
Minho grabs it and his eyes scan the page. "Okay," He simply says. "So we're basically done"
"Kinda," Chan scratches the back of his neck. "Thanks to y/n."
"You should come by more often, we could use the help" Jisung pats the back of my head. I feel like a little kid getting praised by his parents for doing the bare minimum.
"Whatever," Minho throws the notebook back on the table. "We were doing just fine. You, Chan, and Changbin are really good with lyrics." He crosses his hands.
"She's good," Chan glances at Minho. "And we could always use some extra help." He says in a steady voice. He seems to notice the clear dislike Minho has for me, not that Minho's trying to hide it in any way. It bothers me, I have to admit. I think that I've been nothing but nice to him since the night I met him a year ago, he on the other hand has been a jerk.
My phone interrupts whatever Minho was going to say. I stare at Hynjin's name with confusion. Why is he calling me? He's supposed to be on a date.
"Hello?" I answer.
"Hi, am I interrupting?" His tone is rushed.
Minho is looking back at his phone and Chan turns to talk to Jisung. "Um, no what's up?"
"You won't believe who I just saw"
"Who?"
"I was leaving Jisoo's dorm and I run into that piece of shit you were dating" My grip on my phone tightens and my eyes widen.
"Jackson? What?" I say shocked. Chan's and Minho's eyes are on me. "Hold on" I mutter to Hyunjin.
"Excuse me" I get up and walk towards the door, ignoring Chan as he calls my name. I walk down the hall and once I'm far enough, I speak again.
"What happened?" I ask, trying not to sound as nervous as I am.
"Well," Hyunjin sighs "We bumped into each other in the halls." He pauses.
"And?" I say, impatiently.
"He asked me how are you doing," I release a breath at that, but Hyunjin continues. "And he also asked me if you're seeing anyone." His tone slightly changes, dropping lower.
"And what did you say?" I nervously play with the end of my shirt.
"I told him that as far as I know, you're not but either way it's none of his business" I giggle at his response. I can almost picture Hyunjin's face, saying that.
"And then he asked me who was the guy that interrupted you when you were talking and picked a fight with him." He clears his throat.
I swallow hard.
"I told him that who you're seeing is not his problem anymore and I left. But as I was walking back I kept trying to remember if you were with anyone that night, 'cause If you had hooked up with anyone, you would've told me." He pauses." First of all, what the fuck? Why were you talking to him? If you're even thinking about forgiving him, I'm done with you." He suddenly raises his voice. Even when me and Jackson were together, Hyunjin never really liked him. After we broke up, I told everyone that he cheated on me instead of the actual story.
"No, it's not-"
"And second, what the hell was he talking about? What guy?" He cuts me off. He sounds annoyed, to say the least.
"Okay, it's not what you think." I try to calm him down. "I was just getting a drink and he somehow appeared in the kitchen. He kept trying to talk to me and I kept telling him that I don't wanna hear shit but he wasn't giving up. At some point, he was almost yelling at me, and then Minho, one of Chan's friends walked in." I clarify.
"Oh, so that's the guy he was talking about?" Hyunjin says, sounding almost relieved.
"Yes. Anyway, basically Minho told him to leave me alone and Jackson was not having it. Long story short, Minho pushed him and we left the kitchen." I explain.
"Bro, that's crazy" Hynjin chuckles." I would really wanna see that."
"You were fucking Jisoo at the moment."
He just laughs at my comment. "So you and Minho?" He teases.
"No, nothing's up with me and Minho." I immediately say, rolling my eyes even though he can't see me.
"What about me?" Minho suddenly appears from down the hall and I almost drop my phone. His hands are in his sweats, a bored-looking expression all over his face as he walks toward me. I glance at him not knowing what to say and hold up a hand in front of his face, silently telling him to wait.
"Yeah sure." Hyunjin says, his voice dripping with irony.
"Really Hyunjin, nothing's up. I have to go now, have fun with Emma and Seungmin." I rashly say.
"Okay wow, rude. Fine but we'll talk about this another time." He says.
"Yeah yeah okay, bye now." I giggle and hang up. I turn to look at Minho, whose back is against the wall, his hands crossed in front of him and his face blank, simply staring at me. He's one of the people that I can never tell what they're thinking cause his face holds the same expression almost all the time. His eyes move around my face. From one eye to the other, down my lips, and back to my eyes again. He stares way too much.
"What do you want?." I speak up, feeling uncomfortable under his intense gaze.
He smiles to himself, noticing. "Were you talking about me?"
"Don't flatter yourself, darling." I smile back at him innocently, using his line. His eyes drop to the ground, and the smile on his lips grows. "I was just explaining to Hyunjin what happened."
"So you were talking to Hyunjin about what happened with your abusive ex?" He grins at me.
My eyes widen at the tone of his voice and I look around to see if anyone heard him. "Keep your voice down. " I say through my teeth, stepping closer to him.
His hands come up to his mouth. "Shit sorry, I forgot none needs to know." The amusement mixed with irony that's written all over his face makes me want to punch him right in that perfectly straight nose of his.
Instead, I narrow my eyes at him. "I told you to forget what you saw.'"
Both of his eyebrows lift up for a second. "Well yeah, but you see, your situation is really interesting to me." He uncrosses one of his hands and brings one to his chin.
"I don't care what you're interested in Minho."
"You're so defensive." He shakes his head, that stupid smile never leaving his face.
"And you are so annoying." I snap back.
"You know most women that are in situations similar to yours try to defend their partner, it's a common symptom". He shrugs.
My hands turn into fists as I try to remain calm. "I'm going to hit you." I lower my voice, glaring at him.
"No really, tell me something" He pushes himself off the wall " Why haven't you said anything to anyone?" His face changes a bit, and the smile that was on his lips slowly starts fading. "Does he have anything on you or something?"
"Minho," I sigh "I just don't want to, drop it, you're pissing me off."
He looks to the left and takes a deep breath. I can see his jaw tightening as he shakes his head and then turns to look back at me. His eyes, suddenly harder than before.
"Stop being so weak, just tell me." He spits.
His words trigger me so much that I forget about Chan and Jisung, only a door down the hall and I raise my voice. "Excuse me?"
He releases a breath through his nose and shakes his head once again, probably regretting what he just said. " Forget it" He mutters and pushes my shoulder as he walks away.
I don't move, trying to control my anger and keep myself from dragging his ass back here and asking him what's his fucking problem. I don't care if he's bored or simply just wants to fuck with someone but my personal life is none of his goddamn business. He knows nothing about me or the situation and the fact that he judges me so easily makes me wanna smack him and cry at the same time. I shouldn't care, I shouldn't, he's none to me. What makes my eyes water though is the fact that his reaction is the same that everyone would probably have if they knew.
Weak. Stupid. Pitiful.
I remained in the hallway for a few minutes to cool down a bit before returning to the studio, Thankfully Minho was not there when I got back. I couldn't stay any longer. I quickly made an excuse, that I have to study and Chan offered to drive me home, leaving Jisung to work on editing some of the pieces that they recorded.
"Thanks for the help," Chan says as he pulls up to my apartment. "Jisung loved you" His smile is soft.
"I liked him too, he reminds me of Felix" I giggle.
"Um, yeah in a way I guess" I scratch the back of his neck.
'You're really close with them huh?"
"Yeah," He nods "They get me you know? Don't get me wrong I love our friend group, but having people that have the same dreams as me is really encouraging. We connected through our love for music."
"I can tell," I shrug, knowingly. "Even by the little I've seen you guys together, I can tell how close you have gotten."
"We're all close, obviously some more than others but we're definitely a team."
"Who are you referring to?" I ask.
"Um, you know how we're all close but Felix and I are a bit close? Or me and you? Or Hynjin and Emma?"
"Yeah." I laugh.
"Well, Jisung and Minho are like me and Felix" He smiles.
"None is like you and Felix." I smile back. Chan and Felix have a connection like no other, it's truly amazing.
"True." He grins. "But they are kinda like that too. Minho has been through some stuff and Jisung was there for him."
I hate the interest that sparks inside me at his words, but I can't help as the thought of the first time I saw him brushes through my mind. I never learned his story and why he said everything he said that night.
"What happened?" I decide to ask. He stayed a mystery for a year, maybe I can finally get an answer, but Chan shakes his head.
"That's not my story to tell. You should ask him yourself if you're interested. But I'm warning you, it's hard to get him to open up about anything."
"Open up?" I scoff. "I can't even say a word to him without him picking a fight."
"He can come off a bit cold at first." Chan struggles to find the right words.
"Rude is the right word, Chan." I correct him.
Chan sighs. "Do you want me to talk to him or something?"
"Oh no," I panic a bit. "It's fine"
"Okay." He pats my head.
"I have to go, thanks for driving me. " I grab my things and get out of his car.
