introspection on mikaela’s sexuality for heavenlyseraphim!!! this is shameless
Mikaela doesn't realize he's not like other boys until he starts hanging around Yuu’s little group of humans--his new family. It still leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.
At first he can focus on nothing else but Yuu-chan, Yuu-chan, Yuu-chan and how he's safe now, at least as safe as he can be, how he's real and here. But as time goes on he notices the odd little glances Yoichi sends the girls, the way Narumi always gets distracted by the swish of Shinoa's skirt, and how even Yuu’s eyes seem to glaze over whenever Mitsuba runs past.
Kimizuki is the only one who seems unaffected by this phenomenon, but then one day Mikaela notices the way he watches Yoichi bend over to grab the bow of his demon weapon, cheeks turning as pink as his hair. It's then that he realizes that there's something different about him: there’s something wrong with him.
Mikaela thought he'd come to terms with all the ways he'd changed, thought he'd accepted the fact that he could never be human. But it hurts in the way only something can when it makes you feel alone--when you're on the outside looking in.
Mikaela remembers what desire feels like. He'd learned too young thanks to Ferid. He remembers the hot flood of it and the way blood rushed to places so quick it made him dizzy; he remembers the throb of it, the squirmy, strange, addicting feeling. He remembers the nagging urgency of want, and also the conflicting desire to draw it out endlessly. But the memory is distant and distorted as if submerged beneath water, the details constantly sliding away when he tries to grasp at them.
When he casts his gaze over Shinoa and Mitsuba and tries to see what the other boys see, he feels nothing but hollow and hungry and irritated.
The more he thinks about it the more frustrated he gets. Not too long ago he'd still felt a spark, the last dying flame of his humanity, ultimately snuffed out the minute his eyes turned from blue to red. There had been Yuu's body under him, hard muscle and heat close enough to penetrate the layers of his uniform. There had been the excitement of having Yuu beneath him, vulnerable and expectant, Mikaela's thigh pressed between his legs. There had been something. Mikaela clings to the thought almost desperately.
From then on he starts watching Yuu more closely, eyes following him so often it's starting to unnerve Narumi and Kimizuki; he can tell by the wary way they watch him back. Inevitably Mikaela finds his eyes returning to the same stretch of skin over and over, riveted on the tantalizing margin of throat between stiff uniform collar and sharp angular jaw.
It becomes an obsession. Yuu's neck isn't thick, but neither is it so slender as to feel fragile. There's the perfect amount of space between his jaw and shoulder for Mikaela to set his mouth on, the skin taut, smooth, warm and delicious. Thinking about it sends pangs of that long lost desire through him, and the want that seizes him feels so human that he doesn't care if it's a perversion of what others feel--a need that lingers tremulously between sex and hunger. When Mikaela stares at Yuu’s neck he feels the beginnings of a blush suffuse his face and the stirrings of something primal low in his belly.
He feels alive.
He follows that feeling further and further down the rabbit hole until he realizes it's breaking the threads of his careful control. He's no longer satisfied by the lukewarm blood he's handed when he needs to feed, the mixture of everyone's liquid donations coagulating in a single cup seems vulgar in comparison to the pure, hot spurt of Yuu’s blood from the vein.
It doesn't help that Yuu always goes willingly, that he offers to let Mikaela bite him with something like desire lurking behind the evergreen of his eyes.
"Are you sure?" Mikaela whispers, smoothing a gloved hand down Yuu's flank. Feeling the hard lines of Yuu's body makes the contrast of that soft place between jaw and shoulder even more apparent, and Mikaela's mouth waters.
"Just do it," Yuu says, but his words are edged with anticipation. His own hands, free of gloves, curl into the white fabric of Mikaela's cape where it lays over his shoulders. Mikaela reaches up and pushes the stiff fabric of Yuu's collar out of the way, the hand on his side sliding lower to grip his hip and hold him against the wall of the dilapidated shack they're hiding behind. Yuu fidgets a little in Mikaela's hold, as if testing his strength, and finds the vampire's grip to be immovable where it pins him in place. Mikaela can tell Yuu likes that.
In the beginning, after extensive coaxing from Yuu (quiet litanies of 'we're family, Mika' and 'it doesn't hurt I promise'), Mikaela would bite down and drink as quickly as he could. He'd just wanted to get it done as soon as possible.
Now, Mikalea draws it out.
He inhales the scent of Yuu's skin, the faint fruity scent of his shampoo as ink-black hair brushes his cheek in a soft whisper. He licks over the spot of his choosing, feels the blood rushing under the flat of his tongue as Yuu's breath hitches with the wet touch. Mikaela flicks his tongue over his pulse point just so he can watch Yuu's eyelashes flutter at the sensation, then lets his fangs come to rest over where the blood flows oh so close to the skin.
His breathing is ragged with anticipation, and he's sure Yuu can hear it, but he can't even bring himself to be ashamed when he's this close to getting what he wants. The waiting is agony of the best kind; maybe he's more of a masochist than he realized. Mikaela waits until he's desperate for it before sinking his fangs in: one long, smooth, stroke that makes Yuu gasp and dig his fingers into Mikaela's shoulders.
Blood rushes into his mouth like liquid ecstasy, overwhelming his senses. It has never been this good, always riddled with guilt and fraught with self loathing. But this is good, so good. Yuu must think so too because he's moaning, low and stifled in his throat like he doesn't want to make noise but doesn't know how to stop it either.
Mikaela likes how unrestrained he is, how he just can't seem to help but wear his heart on his sleeve. He presses closer, crushes Yuu with his body as he drinks deep, feels the viscous liquid slide down his throat. There's nothing, Mikaela thinks, more intimate than this.
He wants to consume Yuu.
He wants to keep him.
Mikaela starts to pull back but Yuu reaches up with one hand, curls fingers into soft blond hair. "Don't," He sounds breathless, dazed. His heart is beating a mile a minute. Mikaela is close enough to hear it. "Don't stop, Mika."
Mikaela lifts his head anyway. His mouth is smeared red with Yuu's blood. He doesn't think Yuu realizes how he's rocking his hips, rubbing himself against Mikaela's thigh. Red eyes meet green, Yuu's irises nearly swallowed whole by his pupils.
The hand on Yuu's hip slides down along his thigh before Mikaela curls his arm just beneath Yuu's ass. Yuu opens his mouth, probably to ask what Mikaela is doing, but all the comes out is a gasp as Mikaela lifts him up with one arm effortlessly. Yuu's legs automatically move to wrap around his waist, lips still parted in a pretty pink 'o'. Mikaela can feel the hard outline of Yuu's cock against his stomach.
One of Yuu's hands combs Mikaela's hair back from his eyes, fingers moving to tuck a stray curl behind the sharp point of one ear. The other guides Mikaela's mouth back to his neck; Yuu's legs tighten around his waist.
"Bite me again."
Mikaela finally understands desire.
