I'm scared of being in a relationship, because when I'm in a relationship I lose myself and my individuality. I'm scared of going back to who I was when I was with [...]. I don't want to face life, it seems too difficult, I want to go back to being a child when my future was already decided. how can I decide for my future? it seems absurd to me. I am unable to. I'm too weak for these things. I can't change, I'm afraid of everything. reality is too hard for me, I can't accept it. I'm afraid of my heart and my body, my personality and what I could do if I took away all the limits I impose on myself. I don't want to lose anyone but I've made these friends by showing them a personality I want to get rid of. I can't help thinking about the future, and the future is uncertain and out of control but somehow I have to get it under control but I can't. I'm afraid to ask for help, I'm ashamed of it. I am a child, in every sense except for my body. I think like a child, react like a child, act like a child, see and observe things like a child. I want to have someone that loves me and touches me and caresses me and comforts me and makes the decisions for me but I can't afford that. I'm a fucking narcissist and I think I'm better than everyone else. I think I'm the only one who knows the absolute truth but I don't care about the absolute truth I only care about being admired and seen and loved and respected, about petting animals and lying down on flowers, and getting hurt and seeing blood coming out of a bruise, and writing and feeling emotions, running in the middle of the street and screaming and laughing while playing with the snow, and taking pictures with friends, and reading, drawing, touching myself, going for walks at night with my mother. please please please why should I care about my future? why should I think about university and a job? and money and having a home and a family, when all I want is to be free to do, feel, be. I don't care about the fate of the world or the universe and whether the government controls us or not, why can't I play with bugs in a sunflower field until I die? why can't I start walking and only stop when my body can't take it anymore? what have I become... I don't recognize myself anymore. this is not me anymore. I am a product of society and am no longer the embodiment of freedom as I was as a child. how disgusting.