Being Yuuki @yuukiotheman - Tumblr Blog

Just a thing

I watched a video of some people watching women who thought they were FTM and they ended up realising they weren’t and detransitioned.

Part of it made me sigh. Just because I know full well that people like that make femmy gay trans guys like me look like I’m fake. Just because I like all sorts of fashion and I’m attracted to men, some people will find me suspicious. I am a man. I didn’t feel ok wearing my femme clothes until my body got more masculine. I have intense dysphoria.

Now why I can wear clothes where I might not exactly pass according to strangers? I don’t care about strangers opinions. I never have. I never will. Also, I pass so well in the first place that everyone thinks I’m cis or make a mistake of thinking I’m mtf 🤷🏼‍♂️🤷🏼‍♂️🤷🏼‍♂️🤷🏼‍♂️ so like. Yea anyway.

I live my life stealth as fuck right now and don’t talk about my transness much because to avoid the dysphoria, I try to forget about it as much as possible. I’m just a guy. I’m a man.

And to add some details, I’ve known I was trans since I was 13 and I’m 24 now. So yea

yeo1

Yuto the grumpy girlfriend

#유토

Wow dysphoria

Literally I was trying to sleep and I couldn’t because my dysphoria was screaming in my ear.

It’s. So frustrating.

I don’t want to have to put trans guy on everything. I don’t want to have to make being trans a huge thing. My gender isn’t what my life revolves around. I’m so mad that just to date and not feel super uncomfortable about having the “oh yea I’m trans and my genitals are um. WELL” talk with guys if I don’t announce from the roof tops that I’m trans.

I live so stealth to protect myself from possible danger but all it does is leave me less and less space to talk if these things bother me.

I don’t want to have to worry about my stupid ass pregnancy phobia when thinking about getting dirty with a guy I’m comfortable with. I’m just so fucking frustrated.

It’s not that being trans is actually a bad thing, it’s just the discomfort with your body, the awkward situations, the need for surgeries to feel ok, the need for hormones to feel ok, the getting everyone around you to use the right language, the danger, the dating suffering, just... all the bullshit that comes with it just sucks.

What I hate is that I know I’m a guy. I’m comfortable in the fact that I’m a guy. I feel confident when people see me as a guy, but as soon as I remember my body isn’t like a cis guys and probably never will and all the discomfort that comes along with that.. I’m just. I hate it.

changkyuh

monsta x’s weak line is always suffering (usually from shownu)

#큔니 #ㅋㅋㅋㅋ

I’m just. Sigh.

I had a mental breakdown yesterday. I still have a lot of those feelings today.

The most prevalent ones involve dysphoria. Being trans is awful. I hate every part of it. I’m sick of it but also I know I’m a man and there’s nothing I can do.

I try to not think about the amount of bottom dysphoria I have. Mostly because when I think about it I’m reminded of how the chances I can have a normal functioning penis like cis men is so low. I’m completely discontent with the options available. It’s not all about what it looks like. Sure, phallo penises look very similar to cis penises. And whoopee you can stand to pee 🙄 that’s literally the LEAST of the functions I care about. I don’t care about sitting down to pee. I care about erections, ejaculations, natural twitches etc.

I’m just. I feel so defeated when I think about it. Can I ever have a body that reflects my mind?? Or am I always going to be disappointed by my junk? I can’t understand how people are content with what’s available. I want to be able to naturally get an erection. Like any other guy. I would feel BLESSED by random boners. I don’t even care if it’s only like 3-4”, as long as it functions. I feel like if I had what is available I would just feel more broken, more fucked up and more dysphoric.

I can get surgeries on my face to like it that are decent and I would be happy with. The chest ones are acceptable.

But I feel like my genitals that I hate are stuck with me forever like my anxiety, depression and adhd. It makes me angry that I couldn’t just be a girl. And sad and hurt and so done.

I try to just accept things I can’t change but.. it’s just so hard.

I’m glad that the surgeries are good enough for lots of guys. I’m very glad for them. I’m also glad for people who can accept their parts and stuff. Ah. But I’m just. Not one of them. I can pray for medical advancements.. but the reality of “will it happen in my lifetime?” Weighs.

It doesn’t help my depression at all. I feel like some people are going to say I’m just a whiny piss baby and maybe I am, but I don’t control how I feel buddy. I’m just releasing this as to not do something dumber.

#6 months on t #ftm #ftm transman #ftm trans #transman

Fuck Dysphoria

So I have been at the beach for the past couple days, yea? And obviously when you go to the beach, you plan on going into the water. Whether it be a pool or the actual ocean. So me, being a pre-op trans guy, I had to get a surf swim shirt (well I didn't have to but I felt like that's the only way I wouldn't feel uncomfortable). WRONG. I lasted maybe 10 minutes in the lazy river. Then I had to go sit by my mum with my towel covering my chest. Why? Because I felt like my chest was still sorta visible. I felt really uncomfortable. I had my family birth naming me and misgendering me the whole time so of course I feel like shit already. I saw cis guys with their shirts off and them doing typical "guy" stuff and know that I wouldn't enjoy that. So of course no one here is gonna see me as a man. My hair is longer. It made me feel like I will never have a chance to stand at the pool with my shirt off, hanging with friends and actually feeling confident in myself. And so for the rest of this time, I've been up in the room, watching the ocean. Or watching my family at the pool. Or when we go out when I can wear clothes I'm alright. Mind you I went out late at night and that still didn't help. Dysphoria is such a fucking awful time. I swear I would never wish it upon anyone. I'm proud to be who I am, but that doesn't mean I don't wish I was just a cis guy who didn't have to deal with this.

#Dysphoria #Dysphoria story #transgender #ftm trans #ftm transgender

Fucking 18 weeks on T man!

#testosterone #transman #transboy #ftm transman #ftm transgender #transgender

This is something really important to me. I haven't had a clean room in many years, since my mom had helped me do it sometime while I was still in high school, which was over four years ago. My depression has been very debilitating all of my life. And for me my room being cleaned by my own hand is a huge step. Between medications and hormone replacement therapy, I've seem to get more burst of energy which is really odd to me. I haven't had energy like this really ever. I'm really proud of myself and the progress that I'm making, as a person, as someone with mental illness's and as a man.

Lately, my heart has been one big mess. It can't make up its mind of whether it's lonely or it's fine with being alone for longer or forever. Im always assuming I'll be alone forever. I know my close friends tell me other wise but I just feel like I'm not going to make a connection with someone ever again. It's just my negativity creeping up on me. I just want to be able to have someone who I can give my love to and be loved for who I am in return. I'm trying to put all my thoughts and feelings together but it's really hard to when I want to ignore it but I really can't because it comes back to me over and over. I get salty and jealous over my friends who have a relationship but generally they don't really have the kind of relationship I would like but. My jealousy. Hah. I swear I want to hide in a pot and be the spaghetti but I can't. This is all over the place. Meh.