What if I Hurt You? | Zero Nyland
Sanji Vinsmoke x Gn! Reader | Oneshot
You peered at him from the corner of your eye, observing in silent amusement at his apparent struggle. The blondeβs blunt fingers fumbled, attempting to draw the string through the hole of the bead in his other handβs grasp. Spiraled brows furrowed, cheek sucked in between his molars, frustration painted his expression.Β
βI donβt understand how you can do this so efficiently, darling.β His breath drawled out, ashamed of his lack of gracefulness.Β
The corner of your lips drew upwards, chuckle stifled. βWhatβs wrong, Vinsmoke? I thought you said that itβd be a piece of cake, that you were good with your hands~β
Rather shocked grey irises met yours, redded cheeks paired with an agape jaw. Twang, the sound of his string snapping, followed by beads spilling to the floor in the momentarily dead silent room. βI- Uh, well-β At a loss for words, Sanji had no prepared response. He never knew what to say when you made comments like that!Β
βI mean, I thought youβd be a natural at jewelry making too, honestly. With your talent with cooking, and your honed knife skills. You have proficient mobility and coordination with your hands, so Iβm rather shocked.β You further elaborated, grinning as if you hadnβt caught him off guard on purpose. Exhaling beneath your breath, you braced your palms on your knees, pushing yourself to a standing position. βNow, you should put those adept fingers to use and help me clean your mess.βΒ
Sputtering, Sanji shot up from his spot at the foot of your bed, βI apologize- Ah- Mon autre, please- Sit, Iβll take care of it!β
Sighing playfully, you slung your upper body downwards to pluck a few beads off the floor, βToo late, already picking βem up. Thereβs no problem in me helping clean, we fight much worse battles on the regular, quite thoughtful of you though.β Shuffling beside you, Sanji joined in retrieving your investments towards the general wealth of the crew, blonde bangs casting a shameful shadow over his averted gaze.
Pausing, you noted his overall demeanor had dropped, turning to study his posture and what little of his face you could see. His movements, though slightly better masked than youβd expect, weighed down by something; how mopey.Β
βWhatβs wrong, prince?β You inquired, watching the subtle tenseness gather in his stature at being called out.
Shyly glimpsing at you before reaverting his eyes, he shook his head. βIβm justβ¦ I donβt know. Iβve been having a more difficult time remaining chipper. Though, I should just be happy, I get to spend my time on the ship with beautiful ladies, and spend my time with you- I have no right to be-β
βYou have every right to feel, Sanji.β You collected a few more beads before straightening your back to stand again. βSure, you have things around you that can make you happy, but those things shouldnβt be reasons to prevent you from experiencing other emotions when need-be. You need somewhere to outlet, lest it will remain inside you until it inevitably grows to the point where you are consumed by it.β
He didnβt meet your eyes, instead crouching to continue sadly plucking the pieces from the ground. His lips slightly pulled tight, suggesting a poorly hidden sense of unease.Β
βI understand that talking about your emotions, anything other than romance and admiration, is rather difficult for youβ¦ But I do want to reassure you that Iβm here for you, Sanji. I care about you, and your troubles bear no burden to me. So, if you please, tell me exactly whatβs been weighing down your mind.β
β... I feel useless.β His response was short, curt, and slightly unexpected. Head turned away, hands paused in motion; breath baited in wait of your reply.
β... Do expand upon that, please. Iβm afraid I donβt comprehend where that comes from.β You chose your words carefully, because truthfully, you couldnβt fathom why heβd feel that way. After all, he was probably one of the most useful people on the ship in your humble opinion.
βWellβ¦ I canβt keep Luffy out of the fucking fridge for one, our food expenses ended up being so high that weβre practically broke now. Now every one on the ship is having to do their own projects to try and make back that money! And help, oh I tried! But the one thing Iβm good at, cooking, baking, the whole shabang; we donβt have the funds to invest in! The payoff wouldnβt be great enough! So I tried helping the others with their individual works, all of which I discovered that I am profoundly shitty at! I canβt even make a fucking bracelet without making an utter mess!β His arms rose, fingers knotting into his scalp as he quickly grew distraught, voice growing in volume, demeanor crumbling. βI canβt do anything right! Even when I talk to girls, this voice in the back of my head tells me that Iβm just being plain creepy! That I canβt help anyone, save anyone any struggles! I just make things worse, I-β
Your palm landing gently over his trembling hands, tangled in his roots, you sat beside him, βSanji, youβre ripping out your hair.βΒ
He paused, looking at you in something akin to absolute confusion. βDid youβ¦ hear anything I said-β
βI did. You have a lot on your mind, a lot of self blame and hatred as well. But I donβt want you to hurt yourself. If you need to cry, I will let you. But I wonβt sit here and simply watch as you lay harm to your body while in a state of overwhelm.β You paused, seeing the glossy coating over his pupils, strained expression, his outright disheveled appearance. βIβm not sure what you need from me right now. And if at any point you feel as if Iβm not helping, feel free to cut me off. Whatever you need most. But I do feel itβs relevant for me to tell you what I think of you.βΒ
His grasp loosened on his hair, allowing you to take his hands in yours and lower them to your laps. βI think you're extraordinarily talented. Iβm aware how difficult it can be to see one's own proficiencies and strengths, and how easy it is to find every loophole that suggests worthlessness. But I donβt see you how you see you. Youβre the only reason the people on this ship remain fed, before you, we were consistently on the verge of starvation. We ate rotting food and got sick often. You bring something magical to the table in that category. You also aid in the liveliness and demeanor of the crew, do you know how many times youβve unintentionally cheered me up? Countless times. I value you so much, Sanji. And not to mention your strength, youβre one of our strongest fighters.β
β...β He simply stared at you, mouth slacked open.
βAnd even though youβre not good at everything, none of us are. Zoro canβt navigate for the life of him, and Luffy sure as hell canβt cook. The majority of our crew canβt swim. Iβm horrible at social conventions, and thatβs something you have down perfectly. Either way, I guess my point is, your worth as a human being comes from who you are, not what you can do for us. And youβre a wonderful human being, Sanji.βΒ
When you met eyes with him again, you were stunned to see a flowing trail of tears spilling down his visage. Blinking, you felt his hands leave yours, reaching up to hold the sides of your face. βCaβ¦ Can I kiss you?β The words fell from his lips at a pace you almost couldnβt follow.
β... Huh?β You were baffled, confused, astonished, because what the actual fuck? The sheer absurdity of it had you torpefied. βWha- Where did that come from?β Eventually knocked from your stupor, your words fumbled out in a flurry of utter confusion and slight distress.
βI think Iβ¦ Just fell in love with you all over againβ¦β Sanji sighed out dreamily, caressing your jaw as if it were the most beautiful thing heβd ever come across.Β
β...β You had no idea how to respond. Did you have the tone of conversation wrong initially or something? Or was Sanji just that type of person? βWaitβ¦ Again? All over again? Wha-β
Sanji blinked, shaking himself from his self-induced daze, βYes. Again. Did I not tell you before that Iβm absolutely smitten for you, mon biquet?"
βI thought you were just flirting with me like with Nami and Robin!!β You choked out, flabbergasted.Β
He paused, as if surprised that you had not previously known of his proclivity for you. βOhβ¦ Well, yes. I am in love with you, [Name]. Youβre kindness, charm, and passion captured my heart long ago, youβre the reason I strive to be better-β
βThatβs nice and everything but I feel like this is an avoidant attempt at changing the subject.β You put in your word hurriedly, unsure if you could handle this new claim of his at the moment. It was not so easy for you to switch gears that quickly, and the new topic was fully capable of sending you into a negative spiral.Β
β... Ah, I apologiseβ¦ I see it was a bit too muchβ¦β His hands hesitantly dropped from your face, lightly dragging down your neck before parting. βIβm sorry for suddenly throwing the subject at you. Nonetheless, thank you for hearing me out. For being there for meβ¦ Iβmβ¦ Iβm going to depart for my quarters now, if youβll excuse me.β And up he stood, walking out the door.Β
β... Ah fuck.β You groaned, forehead falling into your palms.Β
βΰΌΊπ©β οΈοΈπͺΰΌ»β
βSo, howβs your jewelry stock going, [Name]?β Nami prodded, βEnough to get lots of berries yet?β Mischievousness flooded her eyes, smirk painted on crookedly.Β
βIβve got a decent upstart, not enough to replace our previous funds, but it should get a bit for basic essentials at the very least.β You responded, picking at your nails boredly.
βRemember, seventy percent goes to me, twenty to the ship, and ten to you-β
βAgain, I never agreed to that.β You sent her a pointed look, garnering a nervous chuckle from her.Β
βKidding, kidding.β Resting her elbows on the table, she propped her chin on the heel of her palms. βHm, by the wayβ¦ Did Sanji and you get into a fight or something?βΒ
You paused your boredom induced fidgeting, waiting for her to continue.
βYou guys hangout all the time, but for the last few days, I havenβt seen him hovering around you at all. Hell, heβs even leaving Robin and I alone. Iβve only seen him briefly when heβs delivering meals.β She explained, pursing her lips in thought. βI figured maybe you and him got into an argument or something.βΒ
β...β You glanced both ways, checking if there were any eavesdroppers. βNami, if I tell you something, friend-to-friend, you need to promise not to blackmail me or the people involved.βΒ
βSure, sure, whatever you say.β She waved her hand dismissively at you, βTell mee-β
βSo uhβ¦ Sanji was helping me with my project-β
βThat ass, he shouldβve been doing his own-β
You deadpanned at her, βNami, let me finish.β
βWell, I guess.. Uh, he told me that he was in love with me.β
βThat tracks, heβs a huge flirt-β
βNot in the usual Sanji way though, like, it wasnβt flirting. We were having an excessively important conversation then he asked to kiss me. Out of fucking no where! I was so caught off guard, Nami! It was so out of place and I wasnβt expecting it!βΒ
She blinked. βHeβ¦ Huh? Like if you guys were just, I donβt know, talking about dead parents or something then heβs just like, βkiss meβ??β
βWell, that wasnβt the topic or how it went but kinda, yeah.β
βAnd he just seemed, I donβt know, so genuinely smitten?? Then he straight up told me that I captured his heart, that he was in love with me. He specified that he adored me in a different way than you or Robin.β
β... Howβd you respond to that? How does thatβ¦ make you feel?β
βConfused. Heβs my best friend, I didnβt really put it together so I just thought he was flirting with me at first. Iβm not even, why the fuck would he like me of all people?? Eventually I kinda panicked and told him that he was avoiding the conversation, so he got dejected and left-β
βYouβre a fucking idiot, [Name]! A complete dumbass!βΒ
You leaned back at her outburst, startled.Β
βYou donβt know why he likes you? Oh my god, [Name], whatβs wrong with you? Youβre the only one here that actually takes him seriously! You actually check on him when he gets upset, you stand up for him when he lands himself in trouble, fuck- You dimwit!βΒ
βShut. Up. You need to reevaluate the situation, [Name]. No fucking wonder heβs avoiding everyone. His best friend and apparently love of his life just rejected him. In a kinda shitty way might I add. How do you even feel about him? Huh? Do you feel the same? Or are you just inconsiderate about your delivery?β
βI- Well, I donβt know, he just startled me-β
βI get that his delivery was shit too, but this is something you should be thinking about. You need to figure out how you feel and talk to him, [Name]. Heβs your best friend, you donβt want to lose that over something like this.β At this point she was standing, hands on her hips as she looked down at you. Her frustration slowly warped to concern, caring about your dynamics within the crew.
You sighed. β... Youβre right. I need to get my shit sorted. Thanks for the advice.βΒ
βOf courseβ¦ Justβ¦ I donβt know, keep me updated. Iβm here for you.β Nami mumbled, βIβm going to go take a bath, come find me if you need me.β Then she walked away.
Burying your head in your arms, you thought it over. Your relationship with Sanji, since youβve known him, itβs been mutual flirtation and playfulness. Though, youβd always presumed the flirting was his usual demeanor, as he flirted with multitudes of people. Youβd simply returned it because you never thought it was genuine. Then again, in battle, he always had your back, and you had his. During times of struggle or desperation, youβd lend a hand to one another. He was always there for you, you were his first priority.Β
If there was a serious decision being made within the crew, heβd be extra sure to make your voice heard. If he didnβt know what to make for a meal that day, you were the first person heβd ask the opinion of. He was always so eager to hear about your day, your goals and vices. He cared about you deeply, clearly.Β
But, romance wasnβt something you were well versed in. Sure, youβd slept around here and there, but falling in love? That wasnβt really something youβd had the luxury of experiencing quite yet. So how were you supposed to identify it if you did feel that way?
Not to mention, youβd had your doubts. Sanji flirted with many, he had options, people to pin after. So it was difficult to actually comprehend why heβd chosen you, difficult to believe. His lady loving nature made you insecure if you actually held the idea of a relationship with him, something more intimate. Honestly, keeping him as a friend would just be easier, but is that what you actually wanted?Β
You imagined him dating Nami, a shifty discomfort settling in your stomach. Your throat tightened, the conscious struggle to breathe clasping your ribs. You imagined watching the two kiss, all smiles and laughter, genuine happiness. That made you feel like vomiting, panic settling beneath your flesh. You didnβt like the idea of that, obviously. But did that really mean you wanted a deeper connection with him?
Next, you thought of his arms around you, lips nuzzling against the skin of your neck. Your spine shuttered, skin tingling as your stomach twisted in a near-anxiety sort of way. But it didnβt feel heavy or disturbing, simply staggering. The notion of those metaphorical lips leaving traces up your throat, accompanied by soft whispers of adoration and love nearly brought tears to your eyes; a sense of yearning clawing at your diaphragm, stealing your breath.
Maybe⦠Maybe you did like him like that.
But then there were the other factors to consider. Your profession as pirates, your crewmates, the agonizing loss youβd feel if he died in combat. You were already tied in, you werenβt sure if you wanted to go deeper. And regardless, would that relationship even work? You were both troubled individuals with a significant lack of self worth, that wouldnβt bode well for either of you. And his habit of flirtation would significantly grate on your ability to believe him when heβd give you the same phrases he did others. Would it be smart to pursue someone who would unintentionally kill you over time? Someone so broken heβd bleed all over you without meaning to?Β
Really, you didnβt know what to make of the situation. To you, it was hopeless, an endless loop of suffering whenever you may look.Β
Sitting up hurriedly, you turned to look at the speaker.Β
β[Name], I need to talk to you.βΒ
There stood Sanji, hand awkwardly tugging on his elbow, gaze down ridden. He seemed unsure, anxious, and slightly terrified.Β
You blinked, before gesturing to the chair across the table from you, βTake a seat then.β
Hesitantly following your command, Sanji sat, refusing to look you in the eye. βI need to apologize, for misunderstanding our connection. I-β
βDonβt apologize for having feelings, Sanji. Youβre entitled to them. Your timing was just the issue, it entirely caught me off guard.β You cut him off. βI need to apologize actually, how I handled the tail end of that conversation, it was unfair to you. I didnβt think about my words, and I pushed you away. For that, Iβm sorry. I shouldβve been there for you-β
βI overwhelmed you, I get it. I was already dumping my crap onto you, then I threw that in there. It wasnβt the time for it. Iβm sorry too.β Sanji clarified, running a hand through his hair. βAnd I understand if you donβt feel the same way, I can justβ¦ leave you alone if you want.β
βSanji, I never said that I didnβt feel the same way. I care about you a lot, and while I have difficulty identifying my feelings, I do know that itβs more than Iβve been saying. I feel similarly, I know that. But there are issues with the concept of dating you. Weβre flawed people, weβll hurt each other. I know your flirting with others makes me anxious and may cause difficulty down the line. And my struggles with communication, and knowing myself and my feelings will hurt you too. So if we did pursue anything, weβd need to work on a lot.β
β... Youβre correctβ¦β He chewed on the inside of his cheek.
βAnd frankly, I couldnβt stand the thought of losing you already. If you die in combat, I donβt know what Iβll do. Iβm hesitant to get more attached.β you confessed, growing anxious at his lack of coherent response.
βIβm willing to put in the work. To become a better person.β Sanji looked you in the eye, reaching over to join hands with you, βIβll stop flirting with girls, Iβll be more careful in fights, take more accountability for my actions! Iβll understand when youβre struggling to say whatβs on your mind and be there for you, Iβll give you whatever time you need, whatever thing you may need. I love you, mon autre! Iβll do whatever I need to do make you feel loved and support you!βΒ
βBut, what if I hurt you-β
βThen Iβll forgive you, and weβll work on it together."
βMa raison de vivre, I love you for you. I understand that youβre flawed like me, I expect it. But I donβt care, I just want you. So please, may I kiss you?βΒ
βFuck, fine! Letβs do this.β And your lips crashed into his, not gracefully whatsoever. It was sloppy, and probably smashed his mouth into his teeth. Frankly you could taste blood on his breath. But he didnβt care, he was finally kissing you! His fingers found their way behind your ears, pulling you closer as his lips parted. Sanji could feel his entire world spinning, bliss filling every thought behind his closed eyes. You werenβt too caring of it at the moment either, he showed no hesitation so neither did you. Hand cupping the back of his neck, you tilted your head to help deepen the jointment, stomach twisting pleasantly. You felt a trail of shivers line your spine, goosebumps trailing your skin. Despite this technically being a shitty kiss, it felt right. It gave bodily sensations you hadnβt fully felt in other experiences, Sanji was just perfect you supposed.
Pulling back, your eyes went wide, suspicions proven correct. His lower lip lined with blood, dripping down his chin, absolute glee flooding his face. βOh, Iβm so in love with you.β
β.... Sanji, I already hurt you-β
βI donβt care, itβll heal.βΒ
βI-β Sanji cut you off, meeting your lips again. This time the kiss was better placed, softer, though accompanied by the taste of iron. Oh god, you loved him too.
