Honors Emotions Blog

Stuff for school

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Emotions I’ve been feeling lately...

So it’s been a hard few weeks for me. A lot of emotional ups and downs, going in and out of depressive states. I haven’t felt like painting for a while, but I got some good news yesterday and painted this last night while riding that high. Why did I decide to paint something that has some depressive undertones if I was excited? Simple answer: it was the easiest tutorial that I haven’t done yet, lol. But yeah, I’m one step closer to something I really want, and having that anxiety lift felt great. But on the other hand, I just found out today that my referral to a specialist didn’t go through in the way it was supposed to, and I’m now having to cancel an appointment I made a month in advance to make a new one with an insurance-approved doctor. That has me really frustrated. Navigating healthcare in general is very frustrating, especially since no one really teaches you this stuff. Ah well, I’m sure I’ll be able to straighten everything else, even though that appointment gets moved back a few weeks. In the meantime, I’ll do my best to focus on the positive stuff that’s going on and keep on keeping on. 

[zanatheduckling-blog]

Emotions I’ve been feeling lately....

My therapist recently suggested that I take up painting as a method of emotion regulation. The last few weeks have been really hard for me, and I’ve been meaning to try painting again for a while (went to one of those “Painting with a Twist” things a while ago and really liked it), so I went with it. There’s this lady on YouTube called the Art Sherpa who does class-like tutorials on it, and I’ve been learning through that. I’ve been having a lot of fun with it, and I’m especially proud of the one I did last night (bottom). 

This whole thing came about when I realized that I’ve been having a little bit of a problem with identity. I don’t really know who I am or where I’m going in life, and I’ve been using other people’s opinions of me to define myself and my worth. Taking up a new hobby like painting is an attempt to give me a stronger sense of self--that it doesn’t matter if I lose X person in my life, because I still have Y. That I have inherent value, regardless of what I put out into the world. Still working on the whole self esteem thing, but it’s a start. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been so proud of something I made. 

[zanatheduckling-blog]

Emotions I’ve been feeling lately...

Boy has it been a complicated few days. Thursday night, I logged into an old social media account of mine, and found that an estranged ex-best-friend had sent a message for the first time in what has probably been at least half a year. My relationship with her is really complicated, but the short version is that we knew each other online and got along for a while. She had severe mental health issues, and as such, kind of grabbed onto me like a life preserver. (She would often call me in the middle of the night to assist me with her break downs and panic if I didn’t text her constantly--that kind of thing.) Then a love triangle was thrown into the mix. She started dating a guy I liked, and when her mental issues turned toxic (threatening him with suicide), he broke up with her and started dating me. However, there was a weird one-month period, where he was BOTH of us, as he was too scared of her doing something to break it off completely. 

The message she sent basically said that he continued sexual relations with her for a month after the two of us got together. I think I was in physical shock at first. My emotions completely shut down, and I was shaking and felt like I was going to projectile vomit. Eventually I realized that she was talking about that weird one-month period. She didn’t know I was already aware of it. So in the end, the actual accusation wasn’t the problem. This had happened at the very beginning of our relationship, and we had gone on for another two years--good years. And I honestly can’t believe that the smile he showed me wasn’t real. Who could smile like that and intentionally hurt somebody? (See picture--us this July in Australia.) So I’m treating that period as a dating-but-not-exclusive time, which I think is fair. 

It’s how he reacted to the accusation that really bothered me. He was awake at the time, and like any normal person, I wanted to call him and talk it over (this wasn’t going to be well resolved over text). He was out with his friends, and used that as an excuse not to talk to me right away. I didn’t feel like a priority, and that on top of the shock of the accusation really hurt. Side note about my boyfriend. He has Asperger’s, and so has a really difficult time identifying and managing his emotions. It’s very typical of him to withdraw when he’s stressed out--such as having an argument. Knowing this, I had a bit of a dilemma. How understanding should I be? Should I allow him to have time because that’s how he processes things, or be angry about being pushed to the side even when there’s a potentially relationship-ending issue? I told myself that if he completely disappeared on me, and left me to deal with this on my own, that that’d be it. I couldn’t keep dealing with these things on my own. 

There was a period where he looked like he was going to, and I left to go stay with my best friend to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid. But... he didn’t disappear. He took his damn time getting home to talk to me--almost 4 am my time--but he didn’t leave me. And once we got to talking, everything got sorted out. He apologized profusely, admitted he was using his friends as an excuse not to talk to me, and most importantly--realized that he was scared. While that may be easy for another person, it takes a lot of intense emotion and self-reflection for him. He admitted that he was scared that I would leave him, and so tried to postpone our conversation. While everything isn’t really fixed yet, the conversation we had lasted two hours, and led to us having a lot of conversations that we really needed to have. I’m still dealing with a lot of the emotional aftermath--anger, fear, mistrust, etc, but I’m allowing him time to try and patch things up. Because it’s abundantly clear that he loves me, and I don’t want to throw away what we have over a bad reaction to something I already knew. 

Sorry for such a long post--I’m still processing. 

[zanatheduckling-blog]

Emotions I’ve been feeling lately...

Well, it’s been a mixed bag lately. I’ve felt better than have for a while for most of the week, but I also had a super crap day at work yesterday. I originally wanted to post a picture pertaining to that, but I figured it would be some kind of breach of privacy. Long story short, a coworker with more experience than me had a surprise shift before mine, and more or less said I’m doing an awful job. Part of my duties as a pool attendant include cleaning, but since there are several hours where we aren’t on duty, a lot can happen between shifts. Apparently a lot happened between shifts, and she assumed I hadn’t been cleaning like I should, pinned it all on me, and left it for me to do. Some of it may have been my responsibility, yes, but a large portion of it clearly wasn’t. I felt inadequate (for the things that may have been my fault) and also angry (for the things she pinned on me). Ex: Those cigarette butts weren’t there last night--I cleaned that table! Soda cans in the bushes? Where? I looked everywhere! etc. 

And besides, when I walked in, it was complete chaos. People eating their lunch IN the pool (BIG NO-NO) people misusing the slide, water running down the stairs from slide overflows... it felt to me like she wasn’t doing her own job properly. But you don’t see ME throwing her under the bus, do you? I picked up the slack and was grumpy all day. 

But in any case, instead of posting the report she wrote, I’m instead posting a picture of this koala I have on my desk. My boyfriend gave him to me while I was visiting, and he is now the guardian of my pin collection. He reminds me that even though I’m feeling alone in the moment, there’s someone out there who really cares about me. 

[zanatheduckling-blog]

Sooooo I forgot the word-for-word prompt that I was supposed to be responding to, but I know we’re meant to check in with our emotions and such, so I’ll just be doing that again.  This past week has been a mixed bag for me. I’ve had this problem with worry and catastrophizing for a while now, but it got especially bad last week. Without getting into too many details, it usually has to with my relationships. There’s a sort of project my boyfriend and I have been working on for a while, and we have very different ways of getting stuff done. He’s more of a relaxed and “go-with-the-flow” type, while I tend to be very type A and efficient. This particular part of the so-called project is something I can’t do anything about--it’s all up to him. It’s been taking months, and the longer the final product is postponed, the more it will end up costing me in the long run. I look at what he’s doing, and I’m like “what are you doing? I could get this thing done in a few weeks, tops. Why is it taking you so long?” Needless to say, it’s a point of contention. Nagging him about it only stresses him out, so I’m left obsessing over it and generally driving myself into an anxious frenzy 24/7. (Considering how controlling these tendencies have been making me, I’ve actually been considering trying therapy. Maybe I have a legitimate anxiety disorder?) 

But anyway, for a few days last week, I found myself going further and further down the rabbit hole. It was as if worry about this one isolated issue had open the door for every other demon I’m harboring, and I just had a miserable time of it. “Worried about your relationship? Well, here! Why don’t we examine your other relationships? Pretty sure your friends only keep you around out of pity. Oh, and have you looked in a mirror lately? Ha, you’re a joke. Oh, your bike was stolen? Well, it was your fault for not protecting it properly, lazy ass. Etc. etc.” 

I think it would be fair to say that I had a fairly solid depressive state going for a few days. Not only was it the result of obsessive worrying, but it was also partially unjustified. My boyfriend had actually made some good progress that week, but I just couldn’t accept it and feel good about it. I honestly feel as though I’m crazy sometimes. Shouldn’t it be easy to turn off whatever worry switch is flipped in my head? Apparently not. I sometimes wonder what in the world drives him to stay with me. 

In any case, I was very anxious for a majority of last week. The included picture is a little comic I drew myself, trying to illustrate what I was feeling. I’m not the best artist in the world (and for some reason, what talent I do have is restricted to cartoon birds), but I thought it turned out alright. I probably won’t do this every week, but I find drawing to be therapeutic, so I figured I may as well this week. 

...I also forgot what the word count was supposed to be. I think 600? But that sounds like a lot, looking at how long this post is becoming. I can’t find it on Canvas anywhere or anything. Ah well. I’ll have to ask later. 

[zanatheduckling-blog]

Emotions I’ve been feeling lately....

With the new semester having started up, I guess you could say I’ve felt fairly overwhelmed. There’s so much to do, and so little time to do it. I like to keep an agenda to keep things organized (color coded and all!), but the amount of pink this past week has gotten to me just a smidge. 

Guide to this Type A’s anal organization habits: 

Pink-DO IT NOW, YOUR GRADE DEPENDS ON IT!

Blue-Due the day after tomorrow

Yellow-Not due for a while/project that requires a lot of work 

Green-Not school related/things to look into on your own time 

I’m overwhelmed enough that I’m actually grateful that there’s a hurricane inbound. It’s given me the opportunity to sit down and knock some of these things out! I mean, of course, it would suck if the power got knocked out, but I think I’d go so far as to prefer work time in candlelight than no time under florescent. It’s important to start the semester off on the right foot, after all.

I’m also a bit worried about other things going on in my life, but that’s practically chronic, and is probably best covered in another post when it’s in the forefront of my mind.