TW
Jan.4.2026
I spent the half of yesterday crying. I genuinely don’t know why having emotions is seen as the worst thing in the world, especially when I react negatively to how people treat/talk to me.
I don’t care if I air out my workplace because at this point I am fed up.
I have worked at a Montana’s restaurant for almost three years now. When I first started, I was a chronic people pleaser. I hadn’t had a job in five years, due to school and being stuck with an abusive roommate (another tale), my dad had kicked me out the year prior to me moving to my new city, there was a lot going on in my life and my automatic response was to just to avoid stepping on any toes. But then the masking started to slip as I got comfortable with me navigating through neurodivergence as an adult. I was in counselling and different therapies. But the way I was being treated at work started to bother me.
The racism. The micro aggressions. The way people would stretch me beyond thin. I would do far more than I was expected. And the moment I told people that I am non binary, it got worse. The underlying homophobia and transphobia. Because god forbid a black person is trans and queer right?
And then I noticed how my managers and some coworkers treated me when I started setting boundaries. Started saying no. Started advocating for myself. When I started to speak up about the lack of communication in the workplace and from management suddenly I’m on their radar.
“You’re too loud”
“You’re disrespectful”
“You have an attitude”
“You’re not getting along with your peers” (strange because I have no reason to dislike people for no reason)
“You’re aggressive”
All because I try to speak up and finally stand up for myself and 9-29 year old me who spent their entire life being gaslit and bullied by teachers, authority figures and peers.
Because I’m supposed to “let it go” when a white male at my work reported me for calling him a “white boy” when he inserted himself into a conversation about racism and said “well I don’t know anything about that” no fucking shit. So he reports me and then BRAGGED to everyone about that and not a single person bothered to tell me for MONTHS about it and I’m supposed to let it go. When I had to beg for managers to train me on serving because I want to improve my skills at the godforsaken place and be told as if I’m a toddler “well we want to check your emotions/we don’t think you can handle it” meanwhile the manager’s daughter who IS a server and neurodivergent constantly gives everyone attitude and has actually yelled and screamed at managers and everyone else and she will get her way without punishment. I raised my only one time when working on expo because I’m getting yelled at and disrespected by servers and nobody was communicating to me and my managers hold that only moment over my head for a whole fucking year! Because god FORBID a black neurodivergent person gets upset one time!
It’s not like I lost my grandma, my nephew and my closest friend in that time frame. It’s not like I had to deal with so much racial trauma and the PTSD that came with it. It’s not as if people keep treating me like I don’t know how to handle stressful situations as if I wasn’t living with two abusive people back to back and then being homeless at the age of 28 for months. It wasn’t as if I had being battling passively suicidal thoughts and ideation for over 20 years and had gotten worse since 2021.
Because getting told with your 1on1 with a manager that “you’re so good with guests but because you give people who have disrespected you too many times to count and complaining about things that hinder your disabilities making you a sever is off the table. “You were doing so good but now serving is off the table for you because you’re not tolerating being abused by your peers”
I’m sorry am I a high schooler? Am I a child? What the fuck does that MEAN?! That is not a valid excuse! I admit my own faults and apologized so many times for having one off day but when my managers and coworkers do it suddenly they’re not told “everyone has an off day but leave it at home” but then also “you come into work upset” because whatever is going on in my life is upsetting me?! Don’t piss me off!!!!
It’s only the fourth day into the new year. I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t even know if I care anymore. I have tried so hard. I have been doing the therapy. I have been actively seek out therapy and support. I have been asking for accommodations. I apologize when I have overreacted. I apologized for FEELING THINGS. I have apologized when I got into fight or flight mode. I apologized so many times for shutting people out. I have apologized for not wanting people to know my business. I have apologized for setting BOUNDARIES. I have been asking for them to let me do something instead of just standing around on takeout with nothing to do but get snapped at by uber drivers and having the shove their phone in my face. I been begging to prove to SOMEONE that I can do the impossible.
I had to go no contact with my own fucking father because he has spent my entire childhood and adult life abusing and neglecting me. I have to be constantly apologizing to abusers. I have to navigate constantly asking myself why doesn’t my own fucking dad no like me. I have to question if going no contact was the right decision. I have to constantly question what have I done as a child that was so horrible for him to hate me. I want to know what the fuck I did.
I am tired of people in my life treating me like I can’t do things because of my emotions. I’m tired of people tone and emotion policing me. I am tired of feeling so hard and so much and treating me like having big emotions is WRONG. I am so fucking tired of working at this Montanas.
I am done with this shit. I am over this shit. I just want to disappear from the world. I just want to be in my own little world where I don’t have to deal with people anymore. I don’t trust anyone but the one friend I have left in my life. I can’t trust nobody at that workplace anymore.
Nobody is safe to me anymore. I don’t feel safe at that workplace anymore knowing my emotions are being weaponized against me.
I just want to feel safe. ☹️
