Alchemy to Zinc Fingers

[sword-and-nightingale]

Reblog to give a trans woman a warm cup of soup

[huffpost]

How Video Games Can Make A Social Impact

[zantor23]

I want to play this game!

[zantor23]

At the mercy of

I’m just a single leaf on this giant tree. I entered this world as a bud covered in wax to protect me while I was delicate. As I grew the sun, and the wind decided where I turned. I was nibbled on by caterpillers, bugs and fungus. I was shat upon by flying and resting birds. I sit here watching other leaves on my branch and other branches. I watch them get nibbled on, I watch them start to dry out and brown at the edges. They lose their vibrant green hue. They start to dry up and change colors. I’ve seen the point when the tree has given up on a leaf or an entire branch. At that point the leaf barely manages to hold on, praying for windless days. In the end their end comes at the hands of the wind, with little notification.

This is all of our fates someday, but till then, face the sun, fix carbon and sway in the wind.

[zantor23]

Lassoed

A swirl of words fill the air, some come like a string of pearls, others like a stack of Legos, while some must be coaxed and cajoled. The pen lassos these words and cages them on the page in an order determined by the Warden.

Words trapped till the Reader pardons them to the air once again, with memories of the rough neighbors and horrendous confinement still remaining.

The kind Librarian walks up and down the stacks looking for the jail upon which no Reader eyes have set. She pages through and knows the second half will never be released.

Those poor words, to be lassoed by such an unjust pen and confined by a cruel Warden.

[warpaintpeggy]

some of my favorite vintage dresses         ↳  red

[madgastronomer]

@gothiccharmschool

[gothiccharmschool]

Yes. Yes, good, I’ll take them all. Especially the dark red velvet ones. 

[zantor23]

Hiking kisses!

[zantor23]

Food and guilt

I am afraid to find myself one day just covered in avocados. Right now I'm not enjoying cooking because why cook if Erazm doesn't like anything I make and why cook if I am supposed to be losing weight. Every morsel is filled with guilt and I just don't know how to get over my food guilt. I have spent most of my life being inspired to explore cuisines and cook new things. But now cooking is complicated- what if Erazm won't like it. Is what I'm eating helping my health? Food is a medicine and a drug. Will this recipe make Erazm resent me? These are the things going through my head. And eating food from restaurants has the added disadvantage of -I know this is bad for me, I know this is bad for my pocket book, I know this is what I should be avoiding based on my religious beliefs and I know I'll eat too much. And to top it all off, eating unhealthy without a focus on the nutrients and the emotions I have seems to negatively impact my mood. My depression has previously been associated with feeling better about my food choices. 😖

[zantor23]

Confusion

Throughout the trip I felt like he was finally letting me in. I knew he was in a lot of pain.

I’m feeling so confused with him right now. His friends seem to have more of an impact on his happiness then I feel I ever will.

And I just don’t even know - I’m the person for when he doesn’t want to spend time with anyone or do anything.....

I think the concern I have is if he really wants me in his life..... Clearly his friends mean more to him then I do.

I’m going to stop trying to plan anything until he bites.... I’m tired.

I know he has a busy week with his first group therapy session and his first actual therapy session.

I’m supposed to look for a couples therapist - I’m going to talk to miles about that when I see him this week.

I don’t know when Erazm will give me time to go see my family right now.... I’m trying to keep my saturday’s free for him, but it makes it hard to see my nieces and nephews.

[zantor23]

This was Erazm and I towards the end of our trip to Monterey.

[zantor23]

Don't know how to feel

I'm in the bed right now with Erazm. Don't feel relaxed enough to talk to him. My needs are not important. He is going through so much. Annoyed that he asked me about mandir and katha and Bhavuben and then fell asleep as I was telling him that Foi is likely dying. I seriously don't want to be here. I can't really justify going to work right now. A little frightened about working at 2 am in the office. Especially since I have a meeting at 2 pm. My stomach hurts on and off. And my ear was hurting earlier. I need him to reach for me. Not try to fix me. I just don't know if he wants to spend anytime with me. If I could quietly get a blanket and fall asleep somewhere else I would.

[zantor23]

Why?

Why am I frustrated? Because we want to feel unique in a relationship, and right now I feel I am not Erazm's special rock. He needs attention from other people, but doesn't need attention from me. This is making me want to play games. To not be as available. To not be around. And I know those games are stupid. I don't want to be the stable one. Because that's a lot of the pressure. Or is he feeling that way because I already am not available and accessible because I'm busy. Really wishing I had some work related travel upcoming. Just to give me space from the scenario. This shit start right as I got back from London the last time. I didn't want to go back to London since it's stressed the relationship, my health, friendships and its exhausting. But now maybe I need it. How do you reach out to old friends for support. Especially when they have families to take care of. I am not normally this emo.

[zantor23]

Sadness

So when Erazm is going through shit it's hard to feel happy. I'm worried about him. Feeling like I failed him. Unlike myself, Erazm turns to others for help and I feel like the relationship is failing when he needs to talk to someone else. It will take some getting used to regarding him needing a therapist. And for all his frustration and complaining he clearly needs Katie and Courtney. This is just a hard place for me. I don't know what to do. Right now I feel that everyone around me is just full of negativity. When I turn to friends I don't get positive energy back. Going home means either being around sad Erazm or Brian. And I can't go to my parents because it doesn't ever feel like home due to the Rift Valley that exists due to my decision to be with Erazm and not an Indian man. Being with my Nieces and Nephews is truly where I feel unjudged. I'm starting to feel like I should just live in my car, except I hat driving. And all this sadness is making it hard for me to concentrate at work. Going to Mandir this week and listen to katha helped some. But it also made me realize the vast # of items I need to change in my life to become a better Satsangi and move forward. Dr. Swami said to look within and try to determine what is hindering our progress. What flaws can I work on? I think I need to be less reactive and more proactive. If I can't focus after lunch I might just have to go for a walk.

[zantor23]

Ottolenghi's multiple vegetable Paella adapted to my dietary restrictions. Made enough for the housemates. Yum yum yum. #Ottolenghi #plenty #food #cookingadventures definitely a keeper recipe

[zantor23]

Selection of dinner at Nopi last night. Kumquat and Passion Fruit Mocktail was delicious. The Burratta dish was my favorite (not pictured here) as always. This chef knows how to do Veggies. Can't wait to cook more from yottam Ottolenghi's (the Chef/owner) cookbooks. #plenty #food #londonadventures (at Nopi Restaurant By Ottolenghi)

[zantor23]

Churchill painted in his free time! Also some of his quintessential hats. Churchill war museum was an educational experience. Can not imagine living through something like the Blitz. #Churchill #londonadventures #history #hat (at Winston Churchill War Museum)

[zantor23]

Darwin's pigeon's which were quintessential for Darwin's "On the Origin of Species" below is a first addition copy of said the masterpiece #Darwin #londonadventures #bird (at Natural History Museum, One Million Years of the Human Story)

[zantor23]

Winslow looking at a replica of an "elephant egg" largest egg in human history (they went extinct in 17th-18th century) from elephant birds. I love science museums. #fossils #winslow #museum #londonadventures #bird (Winslow is a kiwi, kiwis produce the largest egg given the size of the adult bird, talk about a painful labor!) (at National History Mesuem)