this singing fear

liz. demigirl. she/her. ace spectrum. queer af. p much a bpd blog now.

[zaryaas]

The day of Christmas, I thought it was going to be okay, that I wouldn’t have a low point, that I’d be okay. And then that night things have just gone downhill. I can’t even like formulate coherent thoughts about everything I’m thinking or feeling right now and it feels like a cop out to say it. But I know this is a low. This is a bad low, and I knew it was coming. Because every single time I try and I push myself to get better, to be better to people, it comes back to bite me in the ass. I honestly don’t know how much longer my body can physically withstand this pain anymore. 

I just want to be content. To live away from the people who trigger me. To have people in my life who don’t shit all over my, or their own, recovery. I need to have positive vibes in my life, and that’s ridiculously hard when I’m constantly reminded that I don’t have anyone who really cares about me like I need them to. 

[grlplant]

[borderlinesol]

ive been subconsciously self-sabotaging myself long before i realized what that even meant

[zaryaas]

Fp: *is neutral*

Me: WHAT DID I DO!!!!!!

[zaryaas]

I’m so invalidated right now and all I can think to say is just fucking lol

[zaryaas]

also my anger is flaring up again but I'm too exhausted to do anything about it so I just feel flames inside of me building up and building up and god I really hope that this one person says something so I can snap on them and feel so much better

[greshnaya]

i think the worst part about emotional detachment/numbness is that it invalidates moments and experiences that are objectively very positive, and should have the power to be influential, moving and riveting, yet they are reduced to the paranoia of “why isn’t this enough?”

net loss of connection, net loss of experience, net loss of life

[kieu-silly-world]

when you’re sad but you know your parents will yell at you if you show any negative emotions

[bpdconcept]

a bpd concept: you mean just as much to your favorite person as they mean to you

[boygirlz]

nobody :) gives a shit :) about me :) they all have more important things and people :) than my fucked up ass :) :) :)

[varsityqueerleadercaptain-deact]

how do i become easier to love

[bpd-ho]

do any other people with bpd REALLY REALLY HATE the word “needy”???? like, actually detest it

[bpdpoc]

How do I beg for someone’s attention without actually having to beg for someone’s attention asking for a friend

[bpdpoc]

Now that I like you, it’s time to start checking all your social media outlets in search of vague indirect mentions of me to validate my feelings

[itastemetal-deactivated20200404]

shitty bpd thing

my illness physically does not allow me to feel other people’s love, affection, care, etc. for me. my brain does not function in such a way that i can really know, outside of constant reassurance (and even then), that anyone really cares for me at all. to me, in my mind, nobody gives a rusty fuck about me.

that’s why i think ppl like me with bpd get so outraged, angry, violent, self-destructive, etc. when people say “oh well you should be grateful ______ cares about you at all” because we can’t feel it. it’s like a fucking lie to us.

don’t tell me i should be grateful for something i feel as if i don’t even have.

[zaryaas]

v positive friend: just because someone else is pretty doesn't mean you aren't pretty!!

me (internally): i literally question myself every day bc of my bpd and i'm very self concious and i have a huge fear of abandonment & rejection so i constantly compare myself to others to see if i'm good enough like i'm sure you mean well but my intrusive thoughts are louder than your good vibes ily and all but pls that doesnt really help i wish i wasn't like this but my only form of validation is attention and being physically pretty is one of the things i sometimes think i have and it gives me attention so when i see someone who is prettier than me i feel threatened and want to die

me: TRUE YOU ARE CORRECT I'M CURED THANK YOU ILY

[ulibeanzz]

mental illness makes me bad at the things i’m good at

[homojabi]

I hate that I’m gonna be borderline for the rest of my life. I hate that I’m always going to be insecure and think people hate me. And that I’ll always be impulsive and attention seeking and jealous and wanting to keep things and people for myself. And that I’ll always be empty and delusional and unable to find a balance between overly obsessed and completely uninterested. I hate that I’m always gonna ruin relationships and push people away and make them leave me when I want them to stay. I hate that I can’t escape from this disorder that destroys me.