Events of Doom

Do you ever get tired of ... being dead? Going to work every day, spending money on senseless things and waking up in the Sulphur-Tubs every morning after having gotten yourself killed over and over again? Then, the Zeshea events are for you! We bring you everything you need to know in this world: weather, news, festivals, job-offers and the latest gossip, tourist tours... You'll never miss out anymore! And finally the dead don't have to feel as dead anymore!

[zesheanevents]

Weather Forecast

Hello citizens of Sh'tori! Due to prolonged issues with our weather system and announcer, we haven't been able to give you our latest on the forecast. The pastry rain unexpectedly did much more damage on our machines than on our weights! But fear not! I, Anoaz, will gladly deliver the prognosis for the week to you.

Looks it'll be hot, hot, HOT! Temperatures are going to be sweltering for the next two days, making Zeshea's natural heat unbearable. The lava rivers will glow brighter than ever, followed by bursts of steam and embers that will now be rising from overheated cobblestone paths. It's gonna be dangerous! For you souls, at least.

Some have even given their input on the drastic weather:

"It's getting hot in here, so you should stay in indoors." - "It is getting so hot, I think I'm gonna go on home now."

Take note, citizens! Staying indoors as much as possible would be the best way to avoid the incoming heat wave, but those who are daring enough to stay out while sweating bullets should prep themselves well! Disclaimer: The clean-up team won't be responsible for those whom passed out and become charred. 

The days after will be fair, but good weather won't last too long as Sulfur-storms will tumble in for the weekend. That is all!

-- Anoaz, newbie weather reporter and totally not Thaaora's replacement

[zesheanevents]

Paranormal Weather Report

H-hello dear citizens, it’s been a while! It’s me, your humble weather reporting… uh, what was my name supposed to be again? …Thaaora! Yes, that is my name. I knew that, of course! For I, Thaaora, have absolutely not been fired and sent to the Sanctum for repeatedly failing to deliver weather reports… That would totally never happen!

Anyway, onward to the prognosis for this week! Or month… Or year… Who even knows, it’s not like we’ve ever delivered accurate reports… Yes, okay, there’s no need for whips here as I whip out this naturally completely accurate report! Sheesh…

This week’s weather brings us a storm of a special kind: Raining candy! Now, while this might sound absolutely fantastic at first, I must warn everyone to watch out for the fierce wind accompanying the “rain”. The candy-missiles could reach ferocious velocities and might actually pose a danger to unsuspecting citizens. Please make sure to bring a candy-proof umbrella with you at all times – or a finely woven sturdy bag, to collect your share of these sugary treats.

Did I do my part right? No need for punishments, right? … wait, the microphone is still—— *beeeeeeeeep*

- totally “Thaaora”, Weather Reporting Imp

[zesheanevents]

Weather Update - Urgent!!!

It's raining cakes! I repeat, it's raining cakes!

As if the ongoing showers of downpouring candy hadn't been annoying enough, now whole pastries are crushing down on our heads like there's no tomorrow! Rumours say the sugary storm originated around the laboratories... which t-totally doesn't imply that the crazy scientists there are to blame! I would never dare to imply that! Absolutely not!

Seriously though, those scientists have been messing up a lot lately, don't you think it's suspicious? What are they even-- oh no, the microphone-- *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

- totally “Thaaora”, Weather Reporting Imp

[zesheanevents]

Paranormal Weather Report

H-hello dear citizens, it's been a while! It's me, your humble weather reporting... uh, what was my name supposed to be again? ...Thaaora! Yes, that is my name. I knew that, of course! For I, Thaaora, have absolutely not been fired and sent to the Sanctum for repeatedly failing to deliver weather reports... That would totally never happen!

Anyway, onward to the prognosis for this week! Or month... Or year... Who even knows, it's not like we've ever delivered accurate reports... Yes, okay, there's no need for whips here as I whip out this naturally completely accurate report! Sheesh...

This week’s weather brings us a storm of a special kind: Raining candy! Now, while this might sound absolutely fantastic at first, I must warn everyone to watch out for the fierce wind accompanying the "rain". The candy-missiles could reach ferocious velocities and might actually pose a danger to unsuspecting citizens. Please make sure to bring a candy-proof umbrella with you at all times – or a finely woven sturdy bag, to collect your share of these sugary treats.

Did I do my part right? No need for punishments, right? ... wait, the microphone is still---- *beeeeeeeeep*

- totally "Thaaora", Weather Reporting Imp

[zesheanevents]

[zesheanevents]

[zesheanevents]

"Is this going to be yearly?" Weather Forecast

Once again, this is Thaaora, your local weather reporter imp bringing you the latest news on Sh'tori forecast. Be at ease citizens! This entire week, we're going to have some great days. It's going to be sunny and temperatures will be scorching as usual, with a chance of moderate winds coming from the South. 

If you look up to the skies, there will be red balloons floating along, set loose by an unknown individual. According to some, these balloons are filled with highly expensive drugs. It's said that those who collect the most of these balloons and return them back to the imp drug dealer, will receive a reward. Happy collecting!

P.S. Don't open the balloons and get high on the drugs. They have anti-sulphur properties which will make bodies made out of sulphur fall apart. Don't become a ghost now!

- Thaaora, Weather Reporting Imp

[zesheanevents]

[zesheanevents]

i-almighty replied to your post: Attention, citizens!

(you know the college I went to was called “ECC”…)

We are very sorry, but people who kill our comrades are not allowed in Sh'tori's colleges. Perhaps jail would be more to your liking anyway.

*puts bubblegum in Zeke's hair and runs off*

- Kraler

[zesheanevents]

Attention, citizens!

It has been brought to our attention that certain members of our disposable citizens have been doing a hella crappy job at contributing enough emotions for our not very noble cause of feeding our boss demon. Shame on you! You shall all get punished in time.

The first on our list is a certain robot loser. We have received complaints about said individual. Some of our citizens have even started a petition entitled "Get Crow A Heart Campaign". Others have started a movement called "Destroy Crow 2k14". You see, this is a serious issue, and we really wouldn't care if it wasn't for the fact that this jerk isn't providing enough emotions to meet the quota. We thus must put a plan in place to fix this issue. Listen up!

From this day onward the robot loser called Crow is a wanted fugitive. If you succeed in capturing him and bringing him to the laboratories so he may receceive a heart transplant, you shall be more or less generously rewarded.

Happy hunting!

- Kraler, of the ECC (Emotion Collection Committee)

[zesheanevents]

Feburary 14th -- Time To Show Your "Affection"

Today marks the beginning of Valentine’s Week, the perfect time to show that special someone just what exactly you think of them. Here in Sh’tori people traditionally express their feelings with a delicate gift of chocolate - graciously thrown at the one they love, have a crush on or hate from the bottom of their soul. 

No, I am not joking, my dear lost souls; to throw is the way to go! Giving is such a weak-willed and inefficient way to show affection or hatred - clearly, if you’re simply handing the chocolate over, you’re not doing it right! Now, what kind of passionless love or hate would that be? It’s gotta be thrown. Popular chocolate gifts include special ingredients such a chilli, strange fungi known as space mushrooms and frog eyes. Hey, it might even be spiked with Cupidevil's Lake water.

And for those among you who might be a little bit confused by the fact that -unlike on earth- the Valentine’s festivities in Sh’tori last for a whole week - please keep in mind that us imps will use any excuse to slack off, especially when there’s chocolate to be thrown! And 7 days of neglected work sound so much better than just a single one, don’t you agree?

- Neatah, public festival planner 

[zesheanevents]

A cakefull of Honeymoons

Ah, can you feel it? Can you smell it? The scent of love... and despair? That's right, soon it'll be Christmas, which means it's time to bake Shandrii's traditional Giganto-X-Mess-Cake! Of course, a cake this awesome can't be made without a lot of quality feelings, so you, our more or less beloved citizens, all get to contribute! Awesome!

So, what do you have to do? That's easy. All you have to do is to get married to a partner of our choosing. Are you nervous already? Just wait until you hear all the details!

Our special honeymoon troupes will soon arrive at your place to retrieve our newlyweds, whether you want to or not. You'll then get shipped off to our special homeymoon island, where you'll spend the next 30 days - alongside your newly appointed spouse!

You'll live together in a small apartment with a single bedroom. Isn't that romantic? You'll get to spent a lot of quality time together. Why not start getting to know each other by comparing your pretty matching rings?

Talking about quality time together. We want your emotions, and we want a lot of them. Thus, refusing to spend time with your spouse is strictly forbidden. No one on honeymoon island will serve you unless you bring your spouse along.

Your rings also have a special little bonus. Don't try to take them off or you might find yourself in a shocking state of electrocution. And trying to get away from your spouse is a no-no as well. Move more than 16 ft/5 m away from each other and you'll both taste the sparks. :3

Of course now that you're all being shipped off to our beach island resort we can't leave you without things to do with your spouse now can we? Your little necessities can be bought from general shops (eh? what do you mean kinky demon shops?) that's located in the same areas we have our restaurants, casinos, nightclubs, theatres and spa places, and whatever else you people can find in there. Don't make me list them all, go explore to your heart's content! Try to leave the island though and your rings will go zappy zappy, don't make me say it twice now!

Once the 30 days are over Shandrii should have collected enough feelings to make his cake, so you'll get shipped right back to Sh'tori. Whether you want to stay with your spouse then or rather get a quick divorce is entirely up to you. But before the time is up, you're stuck with them, for better or worse. 

We actually don't care if you'll love or hate each other, as long as you produce lots of quality emotions. Have fun. (◕‿◕✿)

So, with the rules now explained, here's the list of all our freshly baked married couples. Congratulations to all of you:

Fenris and Lucina Knight

Wheatley and Milla Maxwell

Axel and Naoki Kashima

Godot and Aqua

Simon Blackquill and Rosary Esmeralda

Naoto Shirogane and Rise Kujikawa

Zeke Ferus and Perona

Queen and Travis Touchdown

Shan Shening and Shitani Arete

Petra Ral and Dante

Aoi Asahina and Minato Arisato

Raidou Kuzunoha and Cath

Rita Mordio and Crow

Pit and Thage

[zesheanevents]

Wanted: Toilet and Battlefield Cleaner at the Ifrit’s Fight Club

You’re looking for a job that will put the danger back into the word… dangerous? You’re so hardcore you can only do the extremest of extreme jobs? 

Then this might be exactly what you’ve been looking for!

The Ifrit’s Fight Club is still looking for new recruits who will take care of the Sanctum’s bathrooms and clean the battlefield of all the blood and random body parts that people just can’t help but drop in a good fight. The pay is high because this job is so incredibly extreme. An extra hazard pay will be made if you volunteer to clean the battlefield while the fighting is still on!

So, doesn’t this sound absolutely fantastic? Join the ifrits’ ranks now and be the most hardcore of hardcore people to ever have been hardcore and show off your immense hardcoreness to all your uncool and totally not hardcore friends!

[zesheanevents]

(An imp slides a report into the mailbox of Zeshean Events. You have no idea where it came from, and what it wants. But the cover of the mail it sent looks pretty enough.)

ISSUE #1: SH'TORI SCANDALMONGERS

Love is in the air! Or, rather, trapped inside a girl named Helen. But she probably wouldn't appreciate us tattling what only the Demon Lord knows.

But no more rambling. Us Imps, glorious, witty and attractive in all manners, have taken it upon our humble selves to bring you all yet again the Sh’Tori Gossip Magazine! We at Sh’tori Scandalmongers will provide you will all the latest emotion harvesting locations love interests, crushes and dare we go further? among the recyclable population. Without further ado, let us begin!

Jessica Rabbit and Fenris have been in a bit of a rendezvous lately! Long story short, saving her from danger, F enris being a shy kuu/dandere plus a salacious performance- oh, and how disappointed he sounded when she realized she was married! Disappointment, we say! Not confusion because she was married to a rabbot. DISAPPOINTMENT. Trust us. We’re experts.

But oh, she is married, isn’t she? But, well, her husband isn’t here. Can’t blame a girl for wanting for fun, ohohoho! They could do with a visit to Sleuthhound Quarter #13 and gets some bottled ‘water’.

TALKING about Sleuthhound Quarter #13, Mao and Elvin Elizabeth Earlsbeck Elsbeth von Racy Reuss have started off with a very… INTERESTING friendship as roommates, if I say so myself! He saw her naked, acted like he didn’t care, oh, and made a cake for her in ‘apology’. Well, well, we’ve done our research, of course, and this cake contains several… secret ingredients, including the waters of Cupidevil Lake! Now, readers, knowing Mao it’s probably an ‘experiment’ of his- but exactly what kind of experiment is this? We’ll just have to let time tell!

Glitz and glamour, hot showers and lake water; there’s a finale to this bunch of shenanigans! For those who prefer their meals with the side dish of tears and blood, how about these teenage samurai, Flynn and Isabeau? The latter is notorious already for her bountiful emotions. Forcing her to room with her indirect killer is yet another example of absolute genius! The other one, though… well, he causes the girl to despair, at least.

Warning: Do not enter their line of sight. This subject is extremely volatile and possibly murderous. Approach with caution. Any injuries and/or deaths that occur due to this article will not be under the blame of Sh’tori Scandalmongers. And if it is under our blame, then we will immediately pack up and move to the other side of town with Pitchfork Repellant and arrange for a batch of Reverse Forget-me-Nots to be planted out the front porch.

Want more information from our stalkers sources on these couples? Want to suggest your own topics? Well tough luck buddy, you just gotta hope for it. Until next time!

(It looks like the return address is Werewombat Ward 10, which is Jonathan and Luna’s place. But you doubt they actually wrote this, the imps are probably using the room as a headquarters without their knowledge. (Or maybe Luna knows about it, but not him.))

((im so sorry i made this tajujinku gave me the idea))

[zesheanevents]

[zesheanevents]

Not even Monthly Weather Report

Hello citizens of Sh’tori, we’ll like to present you the not-so-monthly weather for this month, with your weather imp Thaaroa whom is still here and not fired. According to very accurate predictions of our imp meteorologists, there’s going be a scattering of clouds with a strong chance of heavy fog approaching. This fog is unlike your regular kind as it is mainly composed of sulfur and beautiful petals of our native deadly flowers. Following this, will leave a baking heat lingering in the air

During this weather it would be wise to take caution while walking outside; the fog will be blanketing every inch of the city, limiting your vision. Of course, we’d prefer to see you go walk around and crash into things, but Tub Cleaners actually paid us to warn you; they want to keep their jobs as simple as always. Also the prank rating of locals is to increase by a grand 80%, because taking the chance to make your lives miserable is always a must for us demons.

Lastly, because I enjoy promoting our beautiful park, if anyone grows thirsty in the intense heat be sure to grab a friend and head on over to Cupidevil’s Lake. Take a drink from its crystal clear water and you’ll be refreshed in no time flat~

-Thaaroa, Weather Reporting Imp

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The (maybe at least monthly) Weather Forecast

The coming week marks the beginning of the rainy season in Sh'tori. Expect hot and humid weather and, if you value your "life" at all, stay as far away from the lava river as you can. You might also want to get yourself a nice pair of waterproof shoes, because the streets will be a muddy mess and you might just slip and die. And what a tragic loss that would be for all of us. 

Secondly, I'm sure everyone is already aware of it, but here is an obligatory warning for those lacking common sense: do not mess with the ifrits and flirrels during the rainy season. As beings of flames, rain usually puts them in an extremely bad mood, making them very irritable and aggressive. And if there's one thing we'll have enough of during the next few weeks, it's rain. Lots and lots of rain. We will take no responsibility if you get yourself killed or end up with your face buried in mud. You have been warned.

On another note, of course we cannot forget about the annual mud ball throwing competition. The aim is, as always, to hit as many people with skilfully shaped mud balls as you possibly can (although you might want to avoid choosing ifirits and flirrels as your target. See above). There is no actual prize to be won, but the expression on your victims' faces should give you all the satisfaction you need. So, happy mud-throwing, everyone!

- Thaaroa, Weather Reporting Imp

[zesheanevents]

Finally we have a capable gossip reporter!

So to celebrate this fortunate new hire, I wanted to contribute with this picture of my OTP!