hello angel ❀

In one day I think of you a million times.

[zhu-tto]

this is still personal development

maybe i haven't really learned anything, but i feel like i've learned so much.

what i mean by that is it doesn't feel like i've acquired any new knowledge, but the things i thought i knew and even the things i never gave much thought to, i now know to be true. life lessons can be told, but there is nothing that brings it home more than experience.

[zhu-tto]

tough cookie

i think university really showed me how tough i am. it was a true test of resilience because wow the days could get so hard. i knew that i would always get through them, that they were simply obstacles, but if i could talk to undergrad me, i'd tell myself:

some days are so hard, but you can cry. you can wallow. because i know you see everything as a challenge you can overcome but some days you're just too exhausted to fight. and that's okay. you're not a soldier, you're human. rest up for now, and although you'll never feel truly ready to take it on again, stand up and get back out there. you will be ready, i promise.

[zhu-tto]

my north stars

university graduation takes on a larger meaning in the context of graduations. it's special.

when i think about this speech and i think about how i've made it here now, it spans beyond my four years at Queen's - it comes back all the way to my small person years because i know that since my birth, i've carried my parents' hopes and expectations of me finishing some kind of post-secondary education. to think about graduation in that way makes me realize the incredible academic, but also truly emotional and personal journey it has been because i have experienced so many peaks and troughs. i can say with pride that i've really done "all that." while i've regularly thought back on my character development throughout my undergrad, to recognize how it flourished over eighteen years is like a phenomenon itself.

it's difficult to state the most impactful learnings (because really, what do i know?), so these are instead some north stars i've always remembered to look for:

be open-minded. it is okay not to agree with people, but to assume things is often a loss of opportunity to learn. even something as simple as learning more about what you actually like and don't like is incredibly important in figuring out your boundaries. it's always okay to say no, but unless you feel like you're in danger, consider what it is that's stopping you from trying something new. is it something you genuinely do not like (e.g., you don't like rollercoasters because you're afraid of heights) or is it because of a pre-determined notion you're making about it that you don't like?

view hindrances and adversity as challenges. if you think it's unwinnable from the beginning, you're often not going to try. you're the main character who can always see the end despite how long it may take. be persistent. take advantage of every resource available.

but know your limits. it's okay to take a different path. you don't have to force things to work out and if you feel hopeless, re-evaluate - is this really what i want? and if it is, take on the challenge from a different angle. maybe it isn't meant to be right now, maybe there are smaller steps you can take, or maybe you can take a different route.

listen to your heart. feel when it's crying. feel when it's full. sometimes it can be hard to reel in and feel everything, reminding ourselves of our humanity. when there are things you want, you aspire and you work towards them. and when there are things you are better off without, remember that it's okay to cut those out. if you bombard yourself with things of unimportance, the noise gets too loud. when you don't know what you want anymore, that's your sign to step back. you don't have the energy to expend on everyone and everything, and sometimes you have to pare it down. remember to check in with yourself periodically because sometimes, you can only know what you should be choosing when you feel it is right. don't drown that out.

lastly, don't rush. constantly remind yourself that you have time. every month flies by so quickly and i'm sure you often wonder how the new year has already crept up on you, but when you dive into each of them, you see just how much you've accomplished each year (even if it's always just one big thing!). because from that, you can remind yourself of how much you can accomplish in the next several. those achievements and big moments can really add up.

i knew this in high school and i know it now to be especially true, but there is nothing more comforting than being completely accepting of being uncomfortable. there's so much out there for you. think about the stories you will live to tell and the doors that will open up for you.

and i leave you [my future self] with two quotes from Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist that continue to live in my head rent-free:

“Why do we have to listen to our hearts?” the boy asked. “Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you will find your treasure.”

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

[zhu-tto]

proclivity

/prōˈklivədē,prəˈklivədē/

noun

a tendency to choose or do something regularly; an inclination or predisposition toward a particular thing.

[zhu-tto]

the pink daisies

i don't really understand my mother's fascination with the flowers outside our house.

one day, my parents came home with a large bouquet of these pink daisies and placed them by a bush. they even insisted i take some back with me to put in vases.

i came home a bit ago and on the dining table were the flowers in an old cup i used for painting. they reeked. they weren't particularly pretty too with their dull pink colour. you could tell they were starting to die because of the changing season, too, but my mom still continues to change the flowers out every now and then.

[zhu-tto]

main characters

i’d fly you out just to have you 'round.

instead of telling you stories,

we’d live it together.

[zhu-tto]

why

entranced by the spinning needle

“prick on my finger”

i know it’s lethal, but maybe it’s the weight of stone- piled sorrows that draw me towards it self-inflicted harm doing no good again. always in my head — started with my heart now trickling into actions. why do i let it do this to me? why do i do this? why do i? why?

[zhu-tto]

all you

packing everything to catch a ride, so i could see you the 2 hours before your flight. and when you’re gone, i stay ‘til you get up for our waking hours to coincide.

we stay up past a quarter after three talking ‘bout nothing, but somehow it means the most to me. or maybe it’s just your company. forget the talk, it’s just you.

reminded me that i don’t need to change; that love is given, not quite earned and it doesn’t sway. no, you told me it doesn’t.

you’re the sky from day to night - always there quietly; always there for me when i need someone. i’m sorry i was difficult. i’m sorry it was difficult.

you weren’t sure and i waited for you knowing fully well that it was already over.

showed me your favourite songs and now they’re mine, too. listen to them so much that i can’t forget about you.

[zhu-tto]

one thing

when i’m gone, i’ll love the new,

but you’ll be the only thing i really miss.

[zhu-tto]

this is the way i aspire to write

wholeheartedly, honestly — not necessarily until the heart clenches, but in such a way that tears will fall without noticing. it’ll uncover what’s surpressed beneath the skin, translating intangible to reality.

i dont need superfluous words to decorate (although, they are a nice-to-have). i’m still a firm believer that there’s always the “right” words to use from English language to convey our thoughts, and with these right words,

we don’t need over-excessive descriptors as long as we have concision.

[zhu-tto]

mutual

it’s crazy when you stumble across people who have so much in common with you and who just... get you. it makes you wonder where they’ve been all your life, but nonetheless, you’re happy to know them now.

[zhu-tto]

your name

i love your name. your name in itself had always been a favourite of mine, but then you attached yourself to it and now i always feel things when i see it.

i feel warmth. i feel the warmth from when you’d smile as i laughed at practically everything.

i feel kindness. i feel the kindness from your support whenever i needed it, even when i didn’t ask.

i feel a twinge of longing. i feel the longing when i think about how simultaneously close and far you are.

i feel the smallest bit of sadness. i feel the sadness when i think about all the “what if’s” i never knew i held that will now, never happen.

names are such arbitrary strings of letters, but real feelings resurface when i see yours.

[zhu-tto]

anchor

you’d think that after a chapter has closed in your life, you’d be much more sure of yourself than before,

but why do I feel so lost?

give me something to grab onto,

to anchor myself with.

what am I looking for?

hope?

a wish?

[zhu-tto]

nothing else

empty.

can i be more?

do you want me to be more?

will you let me be more?

i don’t have more to offer, though,

so i guess we’ll just

stay this way.

[zhu-tto]

fireplace

it’s a beauty it’s a shame

why can’t we love? our emotions untamed?

why cant we live? but live by what name?

life is a jolly always in flames

[zhu-tto]

potential

they are so brilliant.

they are so beautiful and wonderful and full of fantastic things, but

they always think they are weaker and less than they are -

but i know them better.

they always have so much potential.

always.

they are capable of so much more that they just can’t see.

or refuse to see?

or just have yet to experience the thing(s) to trigger that potential.

[zhu-tto]

do you remember this

the too-sugary taste of my sweets; the warm sunshine hugs of late afternoons; the love of mine which overflowed;

the paradise things